When Satan Takes You Over
Chapter 5
Dean was pissed. He’d given up calling Castiel at least a half hour ago and when he called Bobby using his cell phone, all the older man had said was that Cas and Sam had left to check something out. Then he’d asked if Dean had pulled his head out of his ass yet and Dean had hung up on him.
Dean ran a hand over his chin. His emotions were all over the place, waffling from being angry at his brother for leaving him here while he ran off to do God knows what, and worried about the very same thing. Anger was winning out, as it had so often these days. He knew what kind of trouble his wayward sibling could get into on his own, having proven it last year over and over. And now he was off with Castiel who was hardly better, trying to once again prove that he could take care of things without his big brother’s help. Dean ignored the niggling voice in his head that told him it was his own fault that Sam didn’t ask for his help.
He was seriously considering dismantling the cell phone to see if there was anything inside he could use to jimmy the door when a noise startled him. Dean looked up from his perch on the cot as the door suddenly blew open and Castiel appeared. The angel strode forward, and before he could even think of anything to say, Dean found himself transported upstairs to Bobby’s living room. He landed roughly on the couch and looked up to find a startled Bobby looking at him from his desk.
“What the hell, Cas?” Dean grabbed his head to steady it for moment before turning to scowl at the angel.
“It is no longer necessary for you to be restrained,” Castiel stated.
There was no mistaking the anger in Castiel’s tone and Dean glanced at Bobby who looked just as confused as he felt .
“What do you mean? Where’s Sam?”
Before he could answer, Bobby interrupted them. “We’ve got another problem. Adam’s disappeared.”
Both Dean and Castiel turned to look at the older man and Bobby frowned at them. “What? I didn’t let him go. He was just there one minute and gone the next.”
“The angels took him,” Castiel declared.
Bobby frowned. “What do you mean, the angels took him? You branded his ribs, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Adam must have tipped them.”
“How?” Bobby questioned, wheeling himself forward from his desk.
“I don’t know. Maybe in a dream.”
“One problem at a time, Bobby,” Dean interrupted, gesturing impatiently to the angel. “Where the hell’s Sam and why did you let me out?”
Turning his gaze to the younger man, Castiel didn’t answer for a moment and Dean felt his stomach drop at the look on his face.
“What did he do, Cas?” Dean said, fear harshening his tone. “What did you do?”
“I did what Sam asked me to do, Dean.” Castiel faced the older brother, and despite being shorter than the other man, his presence was daunting. “I did what was necessary.”
“What do you mean?” Dean grated out, wanting the throttle the angel, but knowing it would do no good.
“Sam asked me to give these to you.” Castiel retrieved the letters from his pocket and handed one to each of the men.
Dean looked at the envelope in his hand before shaking his head angrily. “No. This is not happening. Tell me right now where….”
“Sam wanted me to find an angel that was willing to carry through with Anna’s plan to scatter his cells. I did as he asked.”
Dean could only stare at him, his mind unable to comprehend his words for a moment.
“You did what?” Bobby practically shouted as he wheeled forward. “Where is he? Where is Sam right now?”
“Sam is……”
“You bastard!” Dean lunged forward and grabbed Castiel by the lapels of his trench coat. “Tell me you’re lying! Tell me you’re just saying that so I’ll change my mind about Michael! Tell me where my brother is, you son of a …”
Dean’s words were abruptly cut off as he found himself suddenly against the wall, held there by a powerful hand.
“Sam is gone!” Castiel leaned forward, his usually calm face, livid. “He came to me and said that his brother was determined to give himself up and that he felt he had no choice but to try and kill himself in a way to keep Lucifer from using him as a vessel!”
Dean choked against the hand tightening at his throat as the angel continued, “He begged me to let him destroy himself so he could make up for his perceived sins and said that if it stopped the apocalypse, then it had to be done!” Castiel stopped his tirade for a moment, staring harshly into the man’s stunned face, before letting Dean slide down the wall. He stepped back. “I did what I had to do…..and so did Sam.”
The silence in the room was palpable after the shouting that had gone on before. Dean couldn’t move from his place against the wall as he tried to comprehend what Castiel had said.
It couldn’t be real. Dean found himself looking over at Bobby who had the same look of disbelief that must be on his own face. Dean tried to speak, but no words would come out and Bobby’s face crumpled as his eyes watered and he looked away. The older man wiped at his eyes and wheeled himself back behind his desk to read his letter in private.
Dean looked down at his own letter and before he even realized what he was doing, he had opened the flap and pulled out the single sheet of paper. Unfolding it, he recognized his brother’s scrawl immediately..
Dear Dean,
First of all, don’t be angry at Castiel. This is not his fault. He was only doing what I asked him to do. He’s a soldier in a war and he knows, as do you and I, that we no longer have the luxury of allowing any opportunity to win go by without giving it a try. He didn’t want to do it and I think I can count myself lucky that he feels that way considering how he felt when he first met me, don’t you?
I guess second of all, I’m sorry. I know I’ve said it a thousand times, but I don’t have anything else left to offer. And honestly, there are so many things that I’m sorry for, it would fill up a book, so I’ll just say it once to encompass my whole life.
And thirdly, I want you to know that I don’t blame you for giving up on me. I let you down so many times, it’s a wonder that you held on as long as you did. So thank you for that. There is nothing I can do to make up for everything, but I hope you know that, in spite of what you may think, I know how lucky I was to have you for my big brother. This is not your fault no matter how you feel right now. You tried harder and longer than anyone had a right to expect to save me, but it was a losing battle, Dean. Dad should never have laid the responsibility for my safety and my life in your hands. You deserved so much better than that. I know we never talk about it, and I don’t honestly know if you will believe me, but I didn’t do any of it on purpose. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I wanted to save you. I wanted, for once, to control something and be able to say that I did something right. Well, we all know how that one turned out. Another chapter in the screwed up book of my life.
I had to do this, Dean and if you let yourself, you’ll realize it too. My life has been a curse to everyone around me, you know that. If there had been a way, I would have gone back in time one more time to convince Mom not to have me. To make you an only child. You would have had a real childhood and a real home. You wouldn’t have spent your whole life fighting for everything you have and saddled with the responsibility of taking care of a little brother who only ended up disappointing you. This is not me being a martyr. I can’t tell you how much peace it would have given me to know that I could have prevented all the pain my existence has caused for so many people. To know that you and Mom and Dad and Jessica would have lived the lives you deserved if I wasn’t around.
Maybe I can’t change that, but I can do this. I can try one more time to make my existence worth something. I didn’t mean to let Lucifer out of the cage, but I did, and I have to fix it. If my death is what it takes then it’s more than worth it. If this works, then maybe you can finally stop fighting for everyone else and start living for yourself. I want that for you, Dean. You deserve it. You’ve earned it. Please do it. Consider it a dying wish.
Finally, I don’t think of this as giving up. It’s my choice and I choose to go out like a Winchester. If it works, then be glad for me, Dean. I didn’t let them win. I did exactly what you and Dad taught me.
Fight to your dying breath and go down swinging.
I love you, you big jerk.
Your Brother,
Sam
Dean didn’t feel the moisture on his face until he stopped reading. Wet blotches appeared on the paper and he closed the letter automatically to keep it from smearing. Looking up he saw a sight he never thought he would see. Bobby had unashamed tears running down his face, the baseball cap he kept on his head crumpled in his hands along with the letter that Sam had written to him. Whatever the letter had said, it apparently had penetrated the stoic heart of the old hunter, and Dean had to choke back a sound of his own at the sight of his surrogate father crying for his brother.
He looked down at his letter, Sam’s brave, apologetic words hitting him like a freight train and Dean realized suddenly that this was the last thing he would ever hear from his brother. Sam’s last will and testament.
Oh God. Dean felt his legs give out as he slid all the way to the floor. His brother was dead. His brother was gone and he would never see him again. His brother was dead and Dean’s last words to him had been angry and hurtful. He suddenly knew how Sam must have felt after their father died. Like he would give anything to take them back. Like he would willing go to hell again just to be able to never have told Sam that he didn’t believe in him, that he didn’t trust him and that he might have to kill him as Lucifer.
He was never moving again. Dean slumped against the wall, his head falling forward as tears continued to leak from his eyes, and he felt numb. The world was saved now due to his brother and he couldn’t care less. The world could go on without him. He would sit here until he rotted away into nothing.
A sound penetrated his despair and Dean looked up to see Castiel doubled over as if in pain. A second later, the angel jerked his head up in alarm and abruptly disappeared in a flap of wings, his last word hanging in the air like a wisp of smoke.
“Sam!”
TBC.............