Fake But Fighting
Title: Fake But Fighting
Pairing: None
Genre: Angst, non-AU
Rating: G
Summary: Sometimes it's hard to keep a smile. Sometimes the constant attention, the hundreds of cameras, the too-many people and the pressure of being the perfect role model become just a bit too much - but you've just got to keep fighting.
At first, it's exciting.
You've been in training for years. Years and years. You've worked so hard for this, your dream, your parents' dream, it doesn't matter, it's all you've been aiming for and it's finally happening, debut, such a magical word. You might not be put with all your friends, but that's okay, you can't have everything, and besides, the group will become your friends. They'll be like your family, as close as all the bands that debuted before you.
It's exciting.
"We're finally going to debut!"
Have a few drinks. Party. Celebrate. Gush. Sure.
Then it's terrifying.
Officially the biggest boy band, twelve members, you need to be perfect to get noticed. There's so much charisma in these boy-men, how are you going to make your mark? You're going to be on stage, there's going to be so many people watching your every move on high-def cameras right in your face, the audience might just be a dark blur but they can see the drops of sweat on your brow, you know because you've seen it on others' performances. What if you screw up? You could be finished before you even start, even if the 'start' for you feels like it began years ago when you became a trainee.
You come offstage and you're shaking, you're shaking so bad and crying and laughing and everyone's hugging there are so many bodies and oh god, we've done it, we've debuted, we're Super Junior. You'd been recording before of course, in the safety of the recording studio where stuff-ups are only an issue after the seventh time and your hyungs (or even dongsaengs) start groaning at you then glaring at you then (eventually) yelling or swearing at you. But anyway. Debut stage is the real initiation and you'd done it, we've done it, let's go celebrate. Or we could just go to bed.
Act gay, the fans will like it.
What.
Actually… you have seen it before. The leader and the eldest of Dong Bang Shin Ki; Jungsu and Heechul find it hilarious but wait, it's happening to us? Why do the fans like it? They like the idea of not having a chance with men who like men?
'Couple names' pop up, a conglomeration of your name syllables; KangTeuk, HanChul, EunHae. It's weird, it's weird, you don't like men that way, but there you are, flirting with your fellow band members on stage and in front of cameras and in public. Little cheek-kisses, too-long hugs, the 'snogging' while you cup their cheek and shield the (lack of) action between your lips.
They added another member. Isn't the group big enough? No. Okay, one more guy is alright. Kibum doesn't act much like a maknae anyway. The new guy is tall and has a voice that puts all of the rest of you to shame, even Jongwoon, and perhaps Kibum wasn't such a bad maknae after all, because this guy has the snarkiest mouth you've ever encountered. And you've been in a group with Heechul for six months.
He's put in Sungmin's room (temporarily), but long enough that bam! Another couple appears among the ones who like Kyuhyun. KyuMin.
Fangirls are so weird.
There's backlash. Some people don't like Kyuhyun. Some people think it's wrong, you've already debuted, why add someone else?
But wasn't that the idea? There was an underlying concept, a rotational group, the same name, but adding and removing members. It was a terrifying thought, actually, maybe the fans have it right. None of you want to be replaceable, you worked hard enough to get where you are, but maybe the managers and organizers were serious. Still, it's not the kid's fault, he worked hard too.
He's a part of our 'family' now, we will protect thirteen members.
"I've thought we have a lot of members, but never that we have TOO many members."
But… you have thought there are too many members at times; when you're washing up after meals, when you're crammed into the bus or a waiting room with everyone talking, when you're trying to get some screen time on one of your seemingly endless string of variety shows, when you're cleaning up the dorm (read: looking around and announcing it to be a hopeless venture because seriously there is just so much crap), when the loser has to buy the rounds and Hyukjae's abstinence only puts the price down by one drink, and you think maybe if you didn't have one, it would be a little cheaper but why should everyone else drink down your money while you just sit there and watch? So you buy one for yourself as well and then one turns into more and the manager is going off at you all for being irresponsible and you have to get up early for schedules, and get him to bed for crying out loud, and stop shouting or voicing that ridiculous excuse for singing, you drunkard, you'll lose your voice.
…But you smile and nod and agree for the cameras because you have to put out a good image.
What's a smile when you have to wear one all the time?
Keeping up appearances has become almost the priority of your job, of your life, it's something that has to happen constantly. Slip up for just five minutes and at least ten fan cameras have captured it.
Oppa, take care of your health, oppa, are you sleeping well? Oppa looks so sad… what happened? Oppa fighting! We will pray for you!
And then the buck arrives, don't let the fans think something is amiss, what is wrong with you, don't make it look like the company is mistreating our celebrities.
So you've become a family, the band is now your family, just like they said. But families aren't perfect, there's sibling rivalry and fighting and avoidance of responsibility and the sleepless media picks up on that too. They even take advantage of it, let's make a show out of your awkwardness, the fans will love it.
There's laughter and there's embarrassment and there's awkwardness and challenges for the camera, all filmed, all scripted to a point. What's an apology when it's made to uphold your image? What's an acceptance of that apology? You think maybe everything will be fine, you've apologized, but you know it's because you've been forced to, not because you volunteered. Even if you took it as a chance, it's faked. Is their acceptance sincere too? Or not? But you've hugged and made up and you're laughing and being intimate with each other like you're supposed to and when you get back to a private place you're too tired to bring shit like that up.
You smile when your band mates badmouth you, when they insult you, because it's supposed to be funny. You duck your head and laugh, deny it, agree with it, hide or defend or retort, but unless your image is good they cut it and you have to shoot again and you just want your bed, you want to go home.
You're made to shrug it off, I love you anyway, that's okay, you can say that stuff if you love me anyway. You're supposed to apologize for what you said, I love you anyway, even if you meant it, because you're on camera and Super Junior has to be one big, happy family. And finally you can go back to the dorms. Should you bring it up? I'm still mad about what you said. How could you say that to the camera. Do you really think that way? But it's just too much trouble, you're too tired to fight with anyone. Jungsu and the manager would scold you, Ryeowook might cry and Siwon would be all up in your face, come on, guys, we're a team, can't we just get along.
There are a couple of new guys, now. Henry (some western name that only Kibum seems able to pronounce), and Zhou Mi (Jumyuk, at first, but everyone gives in and ends up calling him Jomi), and they're going to be part of a new Chinese subgroup with Geng and a few others. First, Henry gets a part in one of their music videos before anyone even knows his name, and then the other (skinny, insanely tall) one debuts with Super Junior Mandarin.
Protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen protect thirteen.
The fans' 'mantra' is echoing in everyone's heads after every performance and Henry is crying and Ryeowook is crying and Zhou Mi is crying and Hankyung is babbling away at them in Mandarin and Jungsu is wishing he'd never used the word 'thirteen' way back at Kyuhyun's backlash and Siwon is going onstage to tell the audience to shut the fuck up. Except not worded that way because it's Siwon and Siwon doesn't do that.
Because Henry is too adorable, the new maknae, sort of, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook will always be the maknaes; and Zhou Mi has his own sort of lanky (somewhat gay) adorableness and an amazing, amazing voice and Henry is even more flexible than Sungmin (and can speak fluent English, that's always helpful) and they're not even part of the official group anyway; and all of this is just all of you telling yourselves once again that you're not replaceable because the thought is just too disturbing.
What's fake? What's real?
What if all this 'fanservice' is not fanservice but him taking advantage of his chance to flirt? What if he's actually into men? Even little American (Canadian!) Henry thought you were all gay at first. But you can't ask because it's too awkward and anyway, you find out, he has a girlfriend, and there's a little bit of disappointment there and fuck what if I'm turning gay because of this shit?!
So you grab yourself a girlfriend but she's crazy, she's only after your fame, and once she finds out that she won't get it through you it's only a matter of time before she disappears; because you have to sneak everywhere, disguises and everything, because if the fans find out, they'll kill her. (Perhaps even literally; you'd scoffed at that originally but you look out the window at the blue mob outside and there's a scuffle between a banner supporting 'EunHae' and a banner supporting 'KiHae' and you shudder, fangirls are fucking insane). Even if you so much as look at (let alone smile at or talk to, perish the thought) a female celebrity (a goddamn colleague), the fans will freak out.
Kibum's taking a break from promotions to focus on acting; Youngwoon's gone off to take his military service (of course he would go first, men of all men) and Hankyung is suing the company. Everything's in uproar and Youngwoon was right years ago, even with one or two members not present it feels like something is missing. Even though Geng's issue has put Super Junior M on suspension, Henry and Zhou Mi are still around, but as far as every official article is concerned there are now only ten active members. There will be ten members for their next concept and ten members for the recording of their next album.
Super Junior M is active again. They added Hyukjae and Sungmin to it (the EunHae and KyuMin shippers went insane, it still baffles you how much this could mean to them) and Siwon became the new leader and the eight of them are touring and recording and working and only a short while before the main group's new album preparations begin and soon there's recording and dramas and shows and everything is hectic and insane and what? Heechul's leaving?
Everything was kept quiet until the last minute. Heechul is taking his military service too, right as Youngwoon's due to return. ELF were not happy.
But what could they do?
What could anyone do?
Hangeng was for sure not coming back. There would be more upheaval as each of the members took their military time, there would be more downs, they were sure of it. Maybe Henry and Zhou Mi would become members of the official group. Maybe a new trainee or two would debut under the name of Super Junior. There had been fights and tears and wars with fandoms and the company and backlash and there had been deaths, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, pets. There had been days where it didn't seem worth everything, days where everything you'd been working for exploded in emotion as you held that trophy (or trophies). Even through all that was wrong, you'd come through in victory. Sungmin had even proven to ELF that he did, in fact, have functioning tear ducts. Perhaps it was unrealistic, but somewhere inside you hoped that one day, no matter how distant, all of you would stand on stage together and that would be the day when the streets would be lined with sapphire blue (giant blue patches spread out over a satellite image; Korea shining sapphire).
But there's still a long way to go.
A/N: How hard must it be to be an idol? Seriously. I couldn’t. Anyway I broke my AU-only policy. It’s choppy and random and innacurate and… chronological order? LOL WHAT IS.
I really did try to avoid having my die-hard forever15ness from overwhelming everything. *cough*.
I also tried to avoid mentioning ELF, as a name at least, as much as I could, because it really is impossible to talk about ELF without offending someone.
I added the last line in an attempt to get rid of an utterly cheesy ending but… ehehe…
The fighting in the title refers to the sense of Hwaiting!.