A Little White Lie: Part 5
So...this chapter (and the one I'm working on to come next) gets a little intense. Please comment if you like it...I work faster when I know people are excited about my work!
Also, if you don't mind me sharing some of the randomness that comes into my head, I kind of think this song is Anders's song for Autumn Hawke in this fic. (I like the classics :P )
Title: A Little White Lie - part 5/?
Author: signcherie
Rating: M? Not sure about rating violence so I'll err on the side of caution.
Pairing: Anders/f!Hawke
Summary: Hawke is awkward with men. To get her to loosen up around Anders, Bethany and Isabela tell her that the apostate is only romantically interested...in other men.
crossposted to knickerweasels
If you missed the beginning, previous chapters are archived here
And the whole thing is on the kink meme
Hawke felt most alive in the heat of battle.
She wasn’t sure what that said about her, and frankly she didn’t have time to care. Two more darkspawn were swooping in on her. She raised her greatsword and swung it in a large, wide arc that sliced both their bellies open. As they dropped, first to their knees and then on their faces, she was already turning, looking for the next enemy.
Not too far away, Bethany was surrounded. From a distance, Varric and Anders were helping her pick off her enemies.
She was about to charge in to help Bethany when a movement behind Anders caught her eye.
She wasn’t sure why he didn’t sense the hurlocks coming up behind him. Perhaps it was the sheer number of darkspawn they’d been battling, perhaps he was worried about Bethany, perhaps he was just too fatigued. Whatever the reason, he didn’t turn as the nearest hurlock raised its blade and aimed for his head.
Hawke was running towards him before she’d even consciously decided to do so. Her form was wrong--she was leaving herself exposed--but there was no time. That hurlock’s sword was headed straight for Anders’s skull.
With a cry, she knocked the sword out of the hurlock’s hands...
...and gasped as a second hurlock’s blade pierced her throat.
I failed, she thought, and everything went black.
-----
It happened both unbearably slow and unstoppably fast.
Anders turned at the sound of Hawke’s battle cry. He saw her charge, disarming the darkspawn that would have put a sword through his own head.
Saw the second darkspawn’s blade slide straight into her neck.
Hawke’s body crumpled to the ground like a lifeless doll.
Anders felt more than heard the scream that tore through his body. Felt the power come unbidden to his hands as he lost control.
-----
Bethany was locked in combat, battling for her own life, unable to do a thing except watch in horror as blood spurted from her sister’s throat.
The cry that followed was almost inhuman in its rage. It took Bethany a moment to realize it was coming from Anders.
Bethany had seen Anders call on Justice’s power on the battlefield, but that was nothing compared to this. His skin cracked and came apart. Blue light glowed from within him, almost blinding in its intensity. His hands erupted in flames.
And so did the darkspawn. All of them.
It wasn’t any fire spell Bethany had ever seen, and she’d spent years perfecting her fire magic. Every darkspawn on the battlefield spontaneously combusted in a tower of blue flames. Bethany felt the heat of the fire scorch her own skin and was alarmed at the sheer amount of power being unleashed.
Just a moment later, the bodies of uncountable darkspawn lay in ashes around them. The blue glow abruptly disappeared, and Anders dropped to his knees next to Hawke’s body.
-----
Anders was kneeling on the stone floor, holding Autumn’s twitching body, her lifeblood pouring out all over his arms and spilling hot onto the cold stone.
She was still alive. There was still a chance. That was a miracle in itself, but there was no time to feel relief. Desperately, he tried to pull on a breath of mana, to call healing energy to his fingertips, but the power fizzled just out of his grasp.
Oh, Maker, help me, he thought, not now. Futilely, Anders tried to scrounge even the barest scrap of mana, but it was fruitless. He had nothing left.
And then there was a potion at his lips. Anders didn’t know who held it out to him, but he swallowed greedily, the metallic tang of lyrium the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted.
Hope surged in Anders’s breast as the healing power flowed into his hands. Frantically, he pushed the energy into Hawke. So much mutilation of her precious form. With his magic, he could feel every iota of the mangled damage she’d taken. Anders focused his whole mind on repairing each delicate artery, each severed muscle, rebuilding her to her former perfection. She had lost so much blood. He pushed extra energy into her, regenerating her blood supply--something he hadn’t even known he was capable of until Autumn needed it.
Finally he stopped, drained and breathless, because there was nothing more to do. She was healed, whole, perfect...
...but not breathing.
Oh, Maker, no.
Anders tried to stop himself from even thinking about the possibility, but the thought slid into his mind anyway. It happened, sometimes. The soul slipped away while the body was being healed, and there was nothing to be done. If she was dead, she was dead, and no power in Thedas could bring her back.
If her soul was gone, all his effort had created was a beautiful corpse.
Maker, please, Anders found himself begging, if there’s any good in you, not this woman. Sweet Andraste, have some mercy.
For a moment, there was nothing.
And then Hawke coughed and spat blood.
“Oh, praise the Maker, Andraste, and all the good spirits,” breathed Anders as he threw his arms around her.
-----
Hawke opened her eyes, coughing, to see all three of her companions staring at her with wide eyes. Anders whispered a blessing and scooped her up in his arms.
Over his shoulder, Hawke met Bethany’s eyes. A tear slid down her sister’s cheek, and Hawke knew she’d come much closer to death than she ever had before.
She didn’t know how to deal with the depth of emotion she saw in their faces, so she made a joke. “Looks as though I had you all worried,” she teased lightly. “Do you really think a few darkspawn could take me out?”
Anders made a noise that could have been a laugh or a sob.
Varric was the one to answer first. “You’ve got to be more careful, Hawke,” he told her, matching her light tone. “If you’re not here, I’d have to carry this party all by myself. I don’t particularly fancy having that kind of responsibility.”
If Hawke had been more careful, Anders would probably be dead. So Hawke simply said, “I’ll be just fine. Haven’t you noticed? I’ve got a healer who can work miracles.”
-----
Bethany had always liked Anders. It took a special kind of person to devote themselves to helping others the way he did. And not only the work he did in his clinic--she could see that his passion for the mage cause stemmed from a desire to protect, to stop the unnecessary suffering of so many people. Sometimes she found his devotion to his cause a tad frightening, but there was no doubt in her mind that it was born from compassion.
It had been obvious from nearly the moment they’d met him that he was crazy about Bethany’s sister, but she hadn’t realized until today that he was completely, one-hundred-percent, utterly in love with Autumn.
When they were back at camp and the entire expedition was packing up to move on, Bethany saw her opportunity. When she was sure her sister was thoroughly distracted, Bethany approached Anders.
“Why don’t you tell her?” she asked him without preamble.
“Tell her?”
“Tell Autumn.”
Anders met her eyes wearily, and she could see that he understood exactly what she meant.
“I have nothing to offer her.”
Bethany frowned. “You can’t possibly believe that, not really.”
Anders smiled, but there was no humor in it. “I don’t believe it. I know it.”
“But I don’t understand. You’d be perfect for her. You’re kind, compassionate, thoughtful, strong enough to put up with her...and you love her. You’re exactly what she needs.”
Seeing Autumn fall, coming so close to losing her...it had made things real for Bethany in a way they hadn’t been before. Life was so fleeting. It slipped through your fingers like water. Carver had died at eighteen years old. He would never fall in love, never know the joy of being cherished by another person. And it could happen to Autumn just as easily.
It seemed doubly important now that Bethany felt so close to finding her own happiness. She wanted her sister to know the same joy she had discovered.
But she wouldn’t think about Isabela now. There would be plenty of time to let things unfold between the two of them when she returned. Right now, Autumn was what was important.
“Don’t you think Autumn deserves to know?” she asked Anders.
“No,” Anders said, and suddenly he looked old, older than he ever had before. She looked into his eyes and saw a lifetime of pain and heartache looking out of them. “You don’t understand. I’m not stable anymore. Not for long. You can’t see what’s in my head. I’ve always hated what’s been done to mages, but I used to be able to put it out of my mind. Now...it’s always there. It keeps me awake at night. Sometimes I can’t focus on anything else. The only time I can relax at all is--”
He stopped abruptly.
Bethany understood what he wasn’t saying. “The only time you can relax at all is when you’re around Sister, isn’t it?”
Anders sighed. “Justice, mages, templars...it’s going to drive me crazy one day. I know it. It isn’t fair to make her suffer, too. I couldn’t do that to her.”
Bethany bit her lip.
“Anders,” she said softly. “I don’t mean to belittle what you’re going through. I can’t pretend to know how hard this must be for you. But you could make Autumn so happy. Don’t you think she deserves that?”
Anders looked away. “At what cost to her? When the templars come after her for having helped me, will it be worth it? When I lose control and it ruins her life, will that small bit of happiness be worth her pain?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said, “I can’t do it. She deserves a normal life, and if I can help her have it by staying out of it, then that’s what I have to do.”
Anders walked away, leaving an unhappy Bethany behind.
Also, if you don't mind me sharing some of the randomness that comes into my head, I kind of think this song is Anders's song for Autumn Hawke in this fic. (I like the classics :P )
Title: A Little White Lie - part 5/?
Author: signcherie
Rating: M? Not sure about rating violence so I'll err on the side of caution.
Pairing: Anders/f!Hawke
Summary: Hawke is awkward with men. To get her to loosen up around Anders, Bethany and Isabela tell her that the apostate is only romantically interested...in other men.
crossposted to knickerweasels
If you missed the beginning, previous chapters are archived here
And the whole thing is on the kink meme
Hawke felt most alive in the heat of battle.
She wasn’t sure what that said about her, and frankly she didn’t have time to care. Two more darkspawn were swooping in on her. She raised her greatsword and swung it in a large, wide arc that sliced both their bellies open. As they dropped, first to their knees and then on their faces, she was already turning, looking for the next enemy.
Not too far away, Bethany was surrounded. From a distance, Varric and Anders were helping her pick off her enemies.
She was about to charge in to help Bethany when a movement behind Anders caught her eye.
She wasn’t sure why he didn’t sense the hurlocks coming up behind him. Perhaps it was the sheer number of darkspawn they’d been battling, perhaps he was worried about Bethany, perhaps he was just too fatigued. Whatever the reason, he didn’t turn as the nearest hurlock raised its blade and aimed for his head.
Hawke was running towards him before she’d even consciously decided to do so. Her form was wrong--she was leaving herself exposed--but there was no time. That hurlock’s sword was headed straight for Anders’s skull.
With a cry, she knocked the sword out of the hurlock’s hands...
...and gasped as a second hurlock’s blade pierced her throat.
I failed, she thought, and everything went black.
-----
It happened both unbearably slow and unstoppably fast.
Anders turned at the sound of Hawke’s battle cry. He saw her charge, disarming the darkspawn that would have put a sword through his own head.
Saw the second darkspawn’s blade slide straight into her neck.
Hawke’s body crumpled to the ground like a lifeless doll.
Anders felt more than heard the scream that tore through his body. Felt the power come unbidden to his hands as he lost control.
-----
Bethany was locked in combat, battling for her own life, unable to do a thing except watch in horror as blood spurted from her sister’s throat.
The cry that followed was almost inhuman in its rage. It took Bethany a moment to realize it was coming from Anders.
Bethany had seen Anders call on Justice’s power on the battlefield, but that was nothing compared to this. His skin cracked and came apart. Blue light glowed from within him, almost blinding in its intensity. His hands erupted in flames.
And so did the darkspawn. All of them.
It wasn’t any fire spell Bethany had ever seen, and she’d spent years perfecting her fire magic. Every darkspawn on the battlefield spontaneously combusted in a tower of blue flames. Bethany felt the heat of the fire scorch her own skin and was alarmed at the sheer amount of power being unleashed.
Just a moment later, the bodies of uncountable darkspawn lay in ashes around them. The blue glow abruptly disappeared, and Anders dropped to his knees next to Hawke’s body.
-----
Anders was kneeling on the stone floor, holding Autumn’s twitching body, her lifeblood pouring out all over his arms and spilling hot onto the cold stone.
She was still alive. There was still a chance. That was a miracle in itself, but there was no time to feel relief. Desperately, he tried to pull on a breath of mana, to call healing energy to his fingertips, but the power fizzled just out of his grasp.
Oh, Maker, help me, he thought, not now. Futilely, Anders tried to scrounge even the barest scrap of mana, but it was fruitless. He had nothing left.
And then there was a potion at his lips. Anders didn’t know who held it out to him, but he swallowed greedily, the metallic tang of lyrium the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted.
Hope surged in Anders’s breast as the healing power flowed into his hands. Frantically, he pushed the energy into Hawke. So much mutilation of her precious form. With his magic, he could feel every iota of the mangled damage she’d taken. Anders focused his whole mind on repairing each delicate artery, each severed muscle, rebuilding her to her former perfection. She had lost so much blood. He pushed extra energy into her, regenerating her blood supply--something he hadn’t even known he was capable of until Autumn needed it.
Finally he stopped, drained and breathless, because there was nothing more to do. She was healed, whole, perfect...
...but not breathing.
Oh, Maker, no.
Anders tried to stop himself from even thinking about the possibility, but the thought slid into his mind anyway. It happened, sometimes. The soul slipped away while the body was being healed, and there was nothing to be done. If she was dead, she was dead, and no power in Thedas could bring her back.
If her soul was gone, all his effort had created was a beautiful corpse.
Maker, please, Anders found himself begging, if there’s any good in you, not this woman. Sweet Andraste, have some mercy.
For a moment, there was nothing.
And then Hawke coughed and spat blood.
“Oh, praise the Maker, Andraste, and all the good spirits,” breathed Anders as he threw his arms around her.
-----
Hawke opened her eyes, coughing, to see all three of her companions staring at her with wide eyes. Anders whispered a blessing and scooped her up in his arms.
Over his shoulder, Hawke met Bethany’s eyes. A tear slid down her sister’s cheek, and Hawke knew she’d come much closer to death than she ever had before.
She didn’t know how to deal with the depth of emotion she saw in their faces, so she made a joke. “Looks as though I had you all worried,” she teased lightly. “Do you really think a few darkspawn could take me out?”
Anders made a noise that could have been a laugh or a sob.
Varric was the one to answer first. “You’ve got to be more careful, Hawke,” he told her, matching her light tone. “If you’re not here, I’d have to carry this party all by myself. I don’t particularly fancy having that kind of responsibility.”
If Hawke had been more careful, Anders would probably be dead. So Hawke simply said, “I’ll be just fine. Haven’t you noticed? I’ve got a healer who can work miracles.”
-----
Bethany had always liked Anders. It took a special kind of person to devote themselves to helping others the way he did. And not only the work he did in his clinic--she could see that his passion for the mage cause stemmed from a desire to protect, to stop the unnecessary suffering of so many people. Sometimes she found his devotion to his cause a tad frightening, but there was no doubt in her mind that it was born from compassion.
It had been obvious from nearly the moment they’d met him that he was crazy about Bethany’s sister, but she hadn’t realized until today that he was completely, one-hundred-percent, utterly in love with Autumn.
When they were back at camp and the entire expedition was packing up to move on, Bethany saw her opportunity. When she was sure her sister was thoroughly distracted, Bethany approached Anders.
“Why don’t you tell her?” she asked him without preamble.
“Tell her?”
“Tell Autumn.”
Anders met her eyes wearily, and she could see that he understood exactly what she meant.
“I have nothing to offer her.”
Bethany frowned. “You can’t possibly believe that, not really.”
Anders smiled, but there was no humor in it. “I don’t believe it. I know it.”
“But I don’t understand. You’d be perfect for her. You’re kind, compassionate, thoughtful, strong enough to put up with her...and you love her. You’re exactly what she needs.”
Seeing Autumn fall, coming so close to losing her...it had made things real for Bethany in a way they hadn’t been before. Life was so fleeting. It slipped through your fingers like water. Carver had died at eighteen years old. He would never fall in love, never know the joy of being cherished by another person. And it could happen to Autumn just as easily.
It seemed doubly important now that Bethany felt so close to finding her own happiness. She wanted her sister to know the same joy she had discovered.
But she wouldn’t think about Isabela now. There would be plenty of time to let things unfold between the two of them when she returned. Right now, Autumn was what was important.
“Don’t you think Autumn deserves to know?” she asked Anders.
“No,” Anders said, and suddenly he looked old, older than he ever had before. She looked into his eyes and saw a lifetime of pain and heartache looking out of them. “You don’t understand. I’m not stable anymore. Not for long. You can’t see what’s in my head. I’ve always hated what’s been done to mages, but I used to be able to put it out of my mind. Now...it’s always there. It keeps me awake at night. Sometimes I can’t focus on anything else. The only time I can relax at all is--”
He stopped abruptly.
Bethany understood what he wasn’t saying. “The only time you can relax at all is when you’re around Sister, isn’t it?”
Anders sighed. “Justice, mages, templars...it’s going to drive me crazy one day. I know it. It isn’t fair to make her suffer, too. I couldn’t do that to her.”
Bethany bit her lip.
“Anders,” she said softly. “I don’t mean to belittle what you’re going through. I can’t pretend to know how hard this must be for you. But you could make Autumn so happy. Don’t you think she deserves that?”
Anders looked away. “At what cost to her? When the templars come after her for having helped me, will it be worth it? When I lose control and it ruins her life, will that small bit of happiness be worth her pain?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said, “I can’t do it. She deserves a normal life, and if I can help her have it by staying out of it, then that’s what I have to do.”
Anders walked away, leaving an unhappy Bethany behind.