"The Meaning of Wife" is making my blood BOIL!
This month for book club, we're reading a book called "The Meaning of Wife" by Anne Kingston. I am about 40 pages into it, and every time I pick it up to read, I feel my blood pressure start to rise. I'm trying very hard to keep an open mind about the things that she's saying, however, she is painting the institution of marriage as a jail with no benefits for women. Her description of men is equally as unfavorable. And mind you, this is all written by a woman who has never, herself, actually married. Obviously, I haven't either, but as I read along, I can't help but compare everything that she says to my parents' marriage. The things she has said when applied to them are an absolute disgrace! The way she describes it, once two people are married, a wife automatically becomes the lesser of the two, she falls into a role where it's expected that she serve her husband, the husband is the primary bread-winner, and that a wife's pre-determined role by society is to be a glorified maid/baby factory/child care provider. I'm sorry, but this to me is the biggest crock of BS that I have read in a long time.
Maybe I have ideas about marriage that are not the norm of the rest of society, but let me explain what I have grown up witnessing. First of all, my parents have been happily married for 30 years. They both met when they were in the Marine Corps. They were both the same rank, and both stationed at Cherry Point Naval Air Station. My mom was the first EVER female aviation supply officer, which was a big deal. She is a woman who had a pilot's license before a driver's license, and had her driver's license EARLY at the age of 14. Both of my parents lived on the same hall in the BOQ, and were introduced by mutual friends. They dated 3 weeks, knew they had met "the one," and got engaged. They met each other's parents...my dad's parents liked my mom, my mom's parents disowned her for wanting to marry my dad because he was Catholic and Italian (her family was Episcopalian...BIG DIFFERENCE!!!!). She told them to basically deal with it, and married my dad one year later in his hometown. My mother probably stood to benefit a hell of a lot more in the short-term financially if she hadn't gotten married... Had she not been disowned, she probably would have inherited a LARGE sum of money given the fact that her parents were fairly well off since they owned an airport outside of Houston. But, she married my dad, anyway, because they loved each other. Not because she wanted to become someone's glorified housekeeper. As it is, my dad does a lot of the house cleaning, anyway! Marrying my father was my mom's "happily ever after" because they both loved each other so much and they wanted to share their lives together. Once they had kids, my mom WANTED to stay home and be with my brothers and I. She thought that it was important work, and aside from that, she didn't want to have someone else witnessing all of our "firsts". Sure, she made sacrifices for my dad's job, but I think that my dad made plenty himself to make sure that we were always taken care of. It was always a team effort. My dad may have been the one who brought home a paycheck, but my mother has always been the one to manage the household finances. She's the one who figured out budgets. Not a single major purchase has EVER been made by either of them without coming to agreement. And I will tell you that just as my mom and us kids were the central focus of my dad's life, my dad and us kids were the central focus of my mom's. Once my brothers and I were old enough, my mom decided to go back to work. Not because she had to, but because she WANTED to. Her degree in school was in Elementary Education with a Math minor, so she became a middle school / high school math teacher. My dad is COMPLETELY supportive of her doing this, even though he makes more than enough to support the two of them. He makes sacrifices for her to take on the endeavor because it's something she loves. Maybe they don't see each other as much because she's working late grading papers or she's busy writing a paper for her masters degree (which she will have completed in May of this year!). But that's what being in an equal partnership is all about. It's give and take. It's not about losing your identity for the sake of serving the "alpha partner," as Ms. Kingston refers to it. And the thing about my parents' relationship is that after 30 years, they still love each other. God help me if they don't both die at the same time because they both swear that if they ever had to live without the other, they would be so distraught that they've promised to move in with me!!! So that's why all of the anti-marriage rhetoric has really pissed me off in this book. I feel like it's a narrow-minded view of marriage, men, and a woman's role in a relationship.
Which leads me to my next point, which is that I feel like this woman presumes that women are only enlightened enough to the point that we should know that we don't want to be the "beta partner" in a relationship, but that we are all still so stupid that by marrying, we knowingly commit to a life-long jail sentence, anyway. Does she ever consider the fact that maybe some of us are smart enough to not turn into a blithering idiot the second we don a white dress and have a wedding band on our finger? Does she not believe that the type of marriage that I have witnessed through my parents for the last 29 years of my life is possible? It makes me wonder what kind of a travesty she was exposed to growing up to make her sound so completely jaded and bitter. Sure, I know that not every marriage works out. Absolutely there are men in the world who live up to the bashing she describes what with all the "dead-beat dads" and domestic abuse that you hear about these days. But to say that every marriage is predestined to be utterly horrible is just plain moronic. No two people are the same, and no two marriages are the same, either.
And finally, for my last thought tonight in this little rant of mine, I'd like to tell one last story about why I can't stand man-bashing. I probably have the world's greatest father. And one day about 20 years ago, I went with him to the grocery store. We lived in Woodbridge, VA, a suburb of Northern Virginia just outside of DC. It was summertime, and it was pouring down rain like you wouldn't believe with lightning and thunder. After we had purchased the things on our list, we both ran to the car. He unlocked the door and had me get in while he loaded everything in the trunk. As soon as he got in the car, he looked at me and said, "Do you see that?" He was pointing to the truck that was parked next to us. In the cab of the truck sat a guy who probably hadn't bathed for a couple of days and was wearing a "wife beater" tank top. He was smoking a cigarette with the window cracked. Behind the truck, the back window was open, and his wife who was probably 9 months pregnant and could have given birth at any moment was soaked to the bone, with her worn sundress stuck to her body, loading all of their groceries into the back by herself. My mouth hung open in shock. I turned back to him, and he said, "Lauren, I want you to do well in school, and go to college so that you can get a good job, and you never have to depend on someone who will treat you like that. And furthermore, if anything bad ever happens to you, you can always come to your mother and I for help. If you need something, mom and I will do whatever we can to help with whatever you need." I will never forget that afternoon for as long as I live. This was my father telling me that I could do anything that I wanted to do. Those were not the words of someone telling me that I was going to marry into a prison sentence. And what's more is that those were the words of my FATHER. A MAN told me I could do anything I wanted to do. Maybe I'm lucky to have had such a wonderful person as my father mold my ideas of how men should treat women, and what I, myself, as a woman am capable of doing. Maybe he truly is in the minority of men who think that way. But as far as I'm concerned, if there is one man who thinks like this, he isn't alone.
As far as how I view marriage for myself? Well, I think that I would love to have a relationship like the one my parents have. If I become someone's wife, I know that whoever I pick will share the same ideas about the relationship that I have. In my mind, calling myself a "wife" will not be a degrading thing like this book keeps trying to say that it is. I view the terms "husband" and "wife" as equal partners in a relationship. Now, if it turns out that it's not in the cards for me to get married, then that's ok, too. I wasn't brought up to have a set plan other than that I should do what makes me happy. And the other thing is that if I do get married and decide to stay home with my kids, I sure as hell will not take anyone giving me grief about it. Anyone who tries to tell me or anyone else that raising your children is lesser work compared to what I could be doing in Corporate America better be ready to have my size 10 foot surgically removed from their ass...because that's what will have to happen after I get finished kicking it.
And that's why I can't stand man-bashing or this book. I feel a little better having gotten THAT off my chest for the night!
And PS - When and if I do get married, it's gonna be one hell of a party...fluffy white dress and all. And anyone who doesn't like that, isn't invited, anyway!!! Now I'm really done.
Maybe I have ideas about marriage that are not the norm of the rest of society, but let me explain what I have grown up witnessing. First of all, my parents have been happily married for 30 years. They both met when they were in the Marine Corps. They were both the same rank, and both stationed at Cherry Point Naval Air Station. My mom was the first EVER female aviation supply officer, which was a big deal. She is a woman who had a pilot's license before a driver's license, and had her driver's license EARLY at the age of 14. Both of my parents lived on the same hall in the BOQ, and were introduced by mutual friends. They dated 3 weeks, knew they had met "the one," and got engaged. They met each other's parents...my dad's parents liked my mom, my mom's parents disowned her for wanting to marry my dad because he was Catholic and Italian (her family was Episcopalian...BIG DIFFERENCE!!!!). She told them to basically deal with it, and married my dad one year later in his hometown. My mother probably stood to benefit a hell of a lot more in the short-term financially if she hadn't gotten married... Had she not been disowned, she probably would have inherited a LARGE sum of money given the fact that her parents were fairly well off since they owned an airport outside of Houston. But, she married my dad, anyway, because they loved each other. Not because she wanted to become someone's glorified housekeeper. As it is, my dad does a lot of the house cleaning, anyway! Marrying my father was my mom's "happily ever after" because they both loved each other so much and they wanted to share their lives together. Once they had kids, my mom WANTED to stay home and be with my brothers and I. She thought that it was important work, and aside from that, she didn't want to have someone else witnessing all of our "firsts". Sure, she made sacrifices for my dad's job, but I think that my dad made plenty himself to make sure that we were always taken care of. It was always a team effort. My dad may have been the one who brought home a paycheck, but my mother has always been the one to manage the household finances. She's the one who figured out budgets. Not a single major purchase has EVER been made by either of them without coming to agreement. And I will tell you that just as my mom and us kids were the central focus of my dad's life, my dad and us kids were the central focus of my mom's. Once my brothers and I were old enough, my mom decided to go back to work. Not because she had to, but because she WANTED to. Her degree in school was in Elementary Education with a Math minor, so she became a middle school / high school math teacher. My dad is COMPLETELY supportive of her doing this, even though he makes more than enough to support the two of them. He makes sacrifices for her to take on the endeavor because it's something she loves. Maybe they don't see each other as much because she's working late grading papers or she's busy writing a paper for her masters degree (which she will have completed in May of this year!). But that's what being in an equal partnership is all about. It's give and take. It's not about losing your identity for the sake of serving the "alpha partner," as Ms. Kingston refers to it. And the thing about my parents' relationship is that after 30 years, they still love each other. God help me if they don't both die at the same time because they both swear that if they ever had to live without the other, they would be so distraught that they've promised to move in with me!!! So that's why all of the anti-marriage rhetoric has really pissed me off in this book. I feel like it's a narrow-minded view of marriage, men, and a woman's role in a relationship.
Which leads me to my next point, which is that I feel like this woman presumes that women are only enlightened enough to the point that we should know that we don't want to be the "beta partner" in a relationship, but that we are all still so stupid that by marrying, we knowingly commit to a life-long jail sentence, anyway. Does she ever consider the fact that maybe some of us are smart enough to not turn into a blithering idiot the second we don a white dress and have a wedding band on our finger? Does she not believe that the type of marriage that I have witnessed through my parents for the last 29 years of my life is possible? It makes me wonder what kind of a travesty she was exposed to growing up to make her sound so completely jaded and bitter. Sure, I know that not every marriage works out. Absolutely there are men in the world who live up to the bashing she describes what with all the "dead-beat dads" and domestic abuse that you hear about these days. But to say that every marriage is predestined to be utterly horrible is just plain moronic. No two people are the same, and no two marriages are the same, either.
And finally, for my last thought tonight in this little rant of mine, I'd like to tell one last story about why I can't stand man-bashing. I probably have the world's greatest father. And one day about 20 years ago, I went with him to the grocery store. We lived in Woodbridge, VA, a suburb of Northern Virginia just outside of DC. It was summertime, and it was pouring down rain like you wouldn't believe with lightning and thunder. After we had purchased the things on our list, we both ran to the car. He unlocked the door and had me get in while he loaded everything in the trunk. As soon as he got in the car, he looked at me and said, "Do you see that?" He was pointing to the truck that was parked next to us. In the cab of the truck sat a guy who probably hadn't bathed for a couple of days and was wearing a "wife beater" tank top. He was smoking a cigarette with the window cracked. Behind the truck, the back window was open, and his wife who was probably 9 months pregnant and could have given birth at any moment was soaked to the bone, with her worn sundress stuck to her body, loading all of their groceries into the back by herself. My mouth hung open in shock. I turned back to him, and he said, "Lauren, I want you to do well in school, and go to college so that you can get a good job, and you never have to depend on someone who will treat you like that. And furthermore, if anything bad ever happens to you, you can always come to your mother and I for help. If you need something, mom and I will do whatever we can to help with whatever you need." I will never forget that afternoon for as long as I live. This was my father telling me that I could do anything that I wanted to do. Those were not the words of someone telling me that I was going to marry into a prison sentence. And what's more is that those were the words of my FATHER. A MAN told me I could do anything I wanted to do. Maybe I'm lucky to have had such a wonderful person as my father mold my ideas of how men should treat women, and what I, myself, as a woman am capable of doing. Maybe he truly is in the minority of men who think that way. But as far as I'm concerned, if there is one man who thinks like this, he isn't alone.
As far as how I view marriage for myself? Well, I think that I would love to have a relationship like the one my parents have. If I become someone's wife, I know that whoever I pick will share the same ideas about the relationship that I have. In my mind, calling myself a "wife" will not be a degrading thing like this book keeps trying to say that it is. I view the terms "husband" and "wife" as equal partners in a relationship. Now, if it turns out that it's not in the cards for me to get married, then that's ok, too. I wasn't brought up to have a set plan other than that I should do what makes me happy. And the other thing is that if I do get married and decide to stay home with my kids, I sure as hell will not take anyone giving me grief about it. Anyone who tries to tell me or anyone else that raising your children is lesser work compared to what I could be doing in Corporate America better be ready to have my size 10 foot surgically removed from their ass...because that's what will have to happen after I get finished kicking it.
And that's why I can't stand man-bashing or this book. I feel a little better having gotten THAT off my chest for the night!
And PS - When and if I do get married, it's gonna be one hell of a party...fluffy white dress and all. And anyone who doesn't like that, isn't invited, anyway!!! Now I'm really done.