HIM
Title: HIM
Pairing: Daejae (main), Bangdae, Daeup (minor)
Genre: angst, drama, romance
Warning: none. PG15
Summary: Sometimes the love we are searching for is right in front of us. Just too close for us to see.
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Sometimes the love we are searching for is right in front of us, just too close for us to see.
Youngjae was six when he had his first crush. She was his classmate at the daycare. Cute pigtails, yellow lacey dress, soft chubby cheeks and sugar- sweet voice; those were his reason of fascination. Excitement of going to school came from the sole purpose of seeing her. She was perfect in his eyes. Though young hearted and innocent, he was fully aware of the strange feeling of like towards the other.
“she is so cute” he gripped on the white horse toy on his hand as he took his time watching the little girl playing with their other classmate.
“cute?”
“yeah..the cutest in..the whole..whole world” he made imaginary circle using his both hands a smile plastered on his lips.
“re..really..are you..sure..no one’s cuter than her”
Youngjae glanced at his friend who was sitting on the ground, his chin propped between his folded knees. He took the space beside him and imitated his friend’s position bringing back his gaze on his object of admiration.
“very..very sure”
A sad smile appeared. If only he gave even just a little peek, Youngjae would have known that someone was hurting. A child’s first heartbreak was him.
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It was Valentines of Youngjae’s twelfth year of existence. He was in his last level in elementary and was pretty popular. He received lots of chocolates from his admirers and was greatly fond of it. He had two bags full of these sweet treats when he arrived home. He dumped them on the carpeted floor of his floor before entering his bathroom to change.
“you got so many chocolates” He walked out with fresh clothes on and watched his friend rummaging the contents of the paper bags. He sat at the edge of his bed as he continued to eye the gift boxes being pulled out from the bags and placed on the floor. He reached for one, popped it open and tasted the heart-shaped candy.
“do you even know where they are from?” the question made him stop from putting another one in his mouth. He shook his head and grinned.
“do you even like someone from those girls?”A muffled no came out of Youngjae’s mouth that was currently devouring the remaining contents of the box he had on his hand. He gave a satisfying smile before plopping down on the comforts of his bed.
A comfortable silence filled the room and Youngjae wondered what his friend is doing. He sat up and saw him standing by his desk, his back facing him. He was holding his school bag and seemed too absorbed in his thoughts.
“Daehyunnie?”
He saw his friend tense reaction but didn’t give it much attention. He stood up and was about to walk closer but Daehyun turned to face him the very time he made his first step.
“I want to eat some ramen..come with me..” He said in a cheerful voice. His eyes arced into thin line, cheekbones raised a bit higher as he put up a big smile. How could he reject that look? Youngjae thought it was cute and brought a same genuine smile on his face.
“let’s go.”
He came home satisfied with their meal and strode straight to his room. He kicked off his shoes and thrown his jacket on the swiveling chair near his desk. Then he caught sight of a rectangular box covered in red wrapper and ribbon. He lifted the item looking at it carefully and with curiosity. A small white envelope attached to it came into his view.
“argh..” He groaned as he looked at to what his foot had stepped on. He sighed as he found himself standing in middle of strewn boxes of sweets; some on the floor and others on his bed.
“that Daehyun made a mess of my room..taking out all of these boxes from the bag and leaving them for me to clean..ugh..” He bent down on his knees picking up the gifts and putting all back to the bags. His attention was once again caught by the red box. He took it, stared at it for a while and decided a mistake. He tossed it inside the bag along with the other unidentified gifts.
If only he spare even a little interest, he would have known that it was nothing like those other gifts. It was special. It was a confession. Just for him.
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End of semester for middle school was coming near. Every graduating student was in dilemma of the path they would take. Some were settled of attending a normal high school but others were considering entering a specialized education. Like any teenagers, Youngjae and Daehyun faced the same decision-making.
“why don’t you try a music school?” Youngjae said as he stared at the paper where names of different schools were printed. He looked at his friend who was playing with the tie of his rubber shoes seemed uninterested of this conversation.
“Daehyun-ah”
“hmm..”
“think about it..you have the talent..don’t waste it in attending a public school..”
“ok”
Youngjae could feel the unconcerned hint on his answer. It somehow built annoyance on him.
“yah..this is a serious matter..” Daehyun raised his head and met his friend’s irritated gaze. He fully understood his reaction and felt sorry for his actions.
“ok..i’ll consider the music school” he smiled. Youngjae sensed his temper settling down. He averted his eyes and felt embarrassed with his sudden mood. Wind gushed giving slight chills to Youngjae’s skin. The sound of leaves filled his ears as both of them came into silence. It didn’t took a while when he heard a soft humming coming from his side. . It was sweet and comforting. Then words started to replace the soft melody. He slowly directed his eyes on its source. For some reason he wished he didn’t.
The scene before him was beautiful. Daehyun’s head was placed on top of his knees folded against his chest and was angled to the side enough for him to have a view of his face His eyes were staring at nothing particular but it was giving off warmth and affection. He had this calm expression on his face and a loving smile on his lips. The bangs on his forehead danced along the gust of wind. Streaks of afternoon rays lighted the right places on his face making it a picture perfect image. It was so beautiful that it gave Youngjae an unusual feeling. And it somehow felt wrong, for him.
“beautiful..” he didn’t expect it to come out but it was too late to take back.
“hmm, beautiful?” Daehyun lifted his head up, confusion visible on his face. Youngjae averted from the other’s stare and coughed before coming up of an excuse.
“your voice..that’s why you shouldn’t waste it..there are so many reasons why you should choose music school..” Youngjae silently heave a sigh after those words. Time passed and there was no reply or anything from the other. He then felt him standing from his seat, taking a few steps out of the tree shade they were been for the last thirty minutes and turning to face him.
“I know” Daehyun was with that kind of smile that gave him the same weird feeling just a while ago. “but there is one reason why I shouldn’t..and it is enough”
And he watched him walked away from him. The bells ringing were in the background as he continued to have his eyes on the back of his retreating friend. He was left alone under their favorite spot in the school yard confused of what those words meant. He was completely clueless.
He shrugged it off as he did the same and followed the other inside pushing those words at the back of his mind. If only he listened carefully and gave even a tad of time to understand it more, he would know that the only reason was him. It was him.
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Second year in high school was the time when every student faced the greatest hurdles in their lives. The weight of the coming senior year and the exam that would tell their future. The moment when everyone tends to adapt to their environment and made bad decisions. And most of all, the time when innocence is slowly fading in every young hearts.
Daehyun ended up attending the same high school as Youngjae. Though disappointed that his friend doesn’t consider the talent school, Youngjae was still happy with it. Being with his best friend is always a joy for him. But it didn’t stop him from pushing the other on taking a path in singing.
Just like any other teenagers in their age, they’ve been into a lot of changes. Physically, both became utterly handsome with different approach. Youngjae, an original charmer, was popular because of his boy next door features and manly stature. Daehyun, a late bloomer, became striking for having an idol like look and gentle appearance. It was true that every girl and even the same sex eyed them with interest.
It was not the only changes that happened. Mentally and emotionally, they both matured. Their likes and dislikes were totally different from when they were young. Playing video games at home turned into hanging out in malls and pool centre. Watching cartoons was replaced by rated movies of many kinds. Ice creams became coffee and sometimes sips of cold beer. Being attracted to something or someone, became more than a simple infatuations.
“time flies so fast” He remarked before taking a drink of his cold beverage. He let out a loud satisfied sigh as he took in the great night view of Seoul from a rooftop. They were in a café where Daehyun worked as a waiter. The building only had one floor but since it was situated in a high area, they had a view of the whole city from its roof.
“yeah..just one more year and we’ll be graduating..” Daehyun agreed leaning his back on the metal railing. He tossed his empty can on the nearby trash bin before facing the beautiful view behind him. “do you have any plans?”
Youngjae looked at his friend and emptied his own drink. A low chuckle escaped his mouth as he thought of some made-up plans. He felt a light nudges on his side making him to flinch away.
“is there something funny with my question?”
“nothing..it’s just..you’re too serious about it.” Youngjae went back to his former position before the attack. “too early for that..”
“early? We only have one year to think about it”
“what we?..it’s only me that needs the thinking..for you..just take my advice and you’ll be fine” It was Daehyun’s turn to laugh.
“what? I’m serious..music is the path for you..if only you listen to me when I told you to enter that music school.”
“cmon it’s been two years..are you still pushing that idea?” There was a long pause and if not of the sound of passing cars, it was a complete stillness.
“anyway..why think of that..we have more things to consider before that” Youngjae cut through the quiet atmosphere. They turned their heads at the same time and their eyes met. And again it gave Youngjae an odd feeling inside. He swallowed a non existing lump on his throat and it took him more than he thought to avert and cool down his self.
“things?” a voice sent a crawling sensation on his skin. It made the hair on the back of his neck stood. It was so strange that it made him to feel a bit scared.
“y-yeah..things..li-like” He stuttered adding to the peculiarity of the situation. He tried to direct his gaze towards the other but regretted it. Daehyun was giving him an expression that sums all the cuteness and loveliness he knew. His eyes were rounded with curiosity, his lips were slightly protruding and his head were tilted to the side. His now colored hair moved with every blow of the cold breeze. The light from the bright full moon accentuated his features and making his skin sparkle under its glow.
“like love” Again out of blue, words slipped out of his lips. His heart started to drum crazy almost making his breathing difficult.
“love?” He searched for something to cover up his slip. He could feel his hands trembling as he brought them to his head running his fingers though his hair.
“yeah..love..we’re in the right age to have girl friends, right?..but until now we’re still single”
“is that so?” Youngjae didn’t miss the hint of sadness in those words. But he thought wrongly of what his friend wanted to imply.
“don’t worry..it’s not yet late to find one”
And he needed to find one, as soon as possible. Maybe that is what he needed to stop all this weird thoughts about his friend. Those were the things on his mind that very moment. It was the only solution he thought of to put an end to the bizarre feeling inside him. It was scaring him that it was not right especially he is his friend.
With that very plan, he started to date Sunhwa, a girl from his class that got his interest last semester. He never thought of going out with her but the happening just few days ago made him do it.
“Sunhwa?”
“yeah..you know her…she’s in your class last year..” Youngjae said before taking a bite of his sandwich. He chewed on the tasty treat waiting for any reaction from the other. And it was a bit off to get so curious of what the other think of his current interest.
“what do you think of her?”
“She’s pretty..but” Youngjae put down his lunch as he hang on the continuation of Daehyun’s comment. “do you really like her?”
“y-yeah..of course..that’s why I ask her for a date this Saturday..why..you ask?” Nervousness evident on his voice but it seemed to miss the other.
“nothing..i just thought this is all because of that talk we had few nights ago..you know the girl friend thing..”
“uhmm..well..” He noticed Daehyun’s gaze was focus on his plate and was playing with the remains of his food. “I really find her interesting..that’s why..i’m quite serious about it too”
Daehyun looked up to meet him and smiled. “good for you..i don’t think you need any help..i think she likes you too..so good luck”
Those words somehow felt a little heavy. Youngjae had an unsettling sensation swelling inside him. A part of him wanted to feel good with it but another one was wishing for Daehyun to tell him to think twice and reconsider. But why, it was the confusion he had. Why did he want Daehyun to stop him and what is it that he hoped to hear from the other.
The date was all fine that it happened again on the coming week. They didn’t talk about using the label on their relationship but people around them were the one that started to name them as couple. Youngjae was not against but he felt a little incomplete. He was happy with her but not as happy when he’s with Daehyun. His relationship with Sunhwa cut off some his time with his friend. If before he would always hang out on the café Daehyun was working and waited for his shift to end, it was decreased to twice or barely four times a week, and mostly it was during the weekends. Those times that he couldn’t make on meeting Daehyun, it was all because of Sunhwa’s demand of taking her home or going out.
“I understand..she’s your girl friend..you must choose her”
“thanks..i’ll make it up to you this weekend..”
“araso..i need to hang up..my shift’s starting” And a beeping sound indicated the start of another Daehyun less day.
“a party?”
“yeah..Jong Up is hosting a party on their rest house after the exams..”
“rest house?” Daehyun asked handing Youngjae a can of Cass beer before plopping on the sofa beside him. Youngjae was flipping channels on the TV as he explained the coming event.
“yeah..in incheon..his parents let him use their old house there for his birthday…he invited me and told me to tell you too..so?”
“so what?”
“are we coming?” Youngjae threw the TV control and face his friend. He had this pleading look on his face as he reached for the other’s hand enclosing it on his own.
“ok.” Daehyun was not a social person so partying was not his thing. But the puppy eyes Youngjae was on made it impossible to say no. He laughed as he watched the other jumped on the soft chair shouting ‘Nolza’.
Jong Up’s party was nothing like anything they’ve been to. It was like those high school parties in American shows. Music blaring throughout the house, loads of alcoholic drinks on every corner of the rooms, there were even college looking people being wild on the dance floor that was originally the house’s living room. It was a pretty big house, two floors with five rooms, the kitchen was almost half of the whole residence and there was a home bar, an infinity pool at the yard and a wide lawn.
Daehyun and Youngjae walked the inside of the house in awe taking in the unbelievable sight. They knew the boy is rich but not as much as this.
“thanks for coming.” Jong Up gave them a welcoming hug before handing them bottle of beers.
“great party” Youngjae almost shouted as the music got louder as people started to dance again.
“thanks..and Daehyun..i never thought you’ll come”
“blame this guy” Daehyun said pointing at the boy who was at the moment captivated by the girls on short skirts grinding their bodies against each other.
“you mean thank him..you never respond to my invites before” Jong Up leaned closer to Daehyun’s ear as he spoke.
“what are you two talking about?” Youngjae asked as he finally was able to leave his eyes away from the feasting view.
“nothing..enjoy the party” Jong Up sent a wink to Daehyun’s direction making Youngjae furrowed his brow. He looked at his friend with a demanding expression but Daehyun just shrugged his shoulder leading his way out of the crowd. Youngjae felt something inside but then ignored it as the song changed to his liking.
“hey..where is Youngjae?” a familiar girly voice made Daehyun averted his eyes from the group playing on the pool.
“Sunhwa?” He smiled before pointing his finger towards the inside of the house. “dancing..living room”
Sunhwa nodded her head putting down the martini glass on her hand. “thanks by the way.”
“for what?”
“for making him to come here..”
“you got it wrong..i was the one being force here”
Sunhwa chuckled taking a sip of her pinkish colored drink. “nah..he comes because you did..i tried asking him but he told me that he will ask you first”
Daehyun let out a silent laugh before reaching for another bottle of alcohol. “he’ll still come even I say no..”
“well..anyway..where are you two staying after the party?”
“we’re boys..we can sleep anywhere here and wait for the morning..then go back to Seoul first thing tomorrow..”
“oh..uhmm..this is a little embarrassing but..can I have Youngjae for tonight? I plan on..inviting him..you know..” Daehyun could see the red tint gracing the girl’s cheeks and decided to let her know that he fully understood what she wanted to tell.
“ok..no worries..”
“uhm..Sunhwa where are we going?” Youngjae asked the slightly tipsy girl who was dragging him out of the house.
“let’s go anywhere else..i’m bored..”
“where?”
“how about we go..to my hotel?” Youngjae felt fingers ghosting the back of his head. Then warm breathe caressed the side of his neck.
“Sunhwa..”He cut off when soft lips crashed into his. HE didn’t know if it was the strawberry taste or the alcohol he had been downing earlier that made him gave in to the kiss. He pushed her on the car and let his hand roamed her body, waist up to his neck.
“hotel..”
“yeah”
They were too absorbed in their world that they didn’t realize a pair of eyes watching them from a far. This person’s heart was breaking into pieces. Silent tears continued to stain his face as his eyes didn’t leave the scene in front of him, not until they disappeared at the night.
“why are you here all alone?”
“just..getting some fresh air” He kept his tone steady not wishing for the other to notice his grief. He heard footsteps coming near him and after some time he felt hands placed on his shoulders. Warmth air contacted with the skin close to his ears making him unconsciously tilt his head to the side. He closed his eyes as he let himself be enveloped by the comforting arms of the other boy.
“do you even like me?” Youngjae covered his face with his hands as he propped them on his knees his back facing the girl sitting against the bed’s headboard. She had the duvet covering her naked form as she slowly ran his hand on his long wavy hair. Youngjae was at the same state, white sheets pooling at his waist exposing his torso but it was far from his concern. The question thrown to him hit him hard, so hard that he suddenly felt dizzy.
They were in a heated situation just minutes ago, lust beating all rational reasons of not doing anything they might regret in the future. Clothes were ripped, kisses were shared. Their skins were burning with desire as hands brought intense sensation in every place it touched. But it didn’t last long. Just one word, and everything ended. One word from his lips made him realized his mistake.
Daehyun.
“I’m sorry”
“you called his name..why?”
“i..i don’t know” it was the truth.
“you should make up your mind..” Rustling sounds were heard followed by the slamming of the nearby door. He took out a deep breath before pushing himself up from the bed, picking up his discarded clothes on the floor and striding his way out of the room.
“when did you arrived?” That was Youngjae’s greeting as he walked inside Daehyun’s apartment. After dropping by his house just to let his parents know that he arrived safely, he went straight to his friend’s home. He threw himself on the sofa taking the TV control with him.
“this morning..you? have you gone home?”
“yeah..wash and change then here..why didn’t you call me?”
Daehyun took the seat beside him handing a drink that the other instantly devour. “my battery’s dead..”
“you took the bus?” He was staring at the screen all the time he was speaking, occasionally sipping of the sweet beverage on his mouth.
“Jong Up gave me a ride” Youngjae’s hand froze from its track and limply fell on his side. He averted his eyes from the TV but decided to wander it at nothing particular.
“I didn’t know you’re close with him”
“we’re classmates before”
“ah”
There was silence. They seemed too absorb on the show that they were watching though there was nothing fascinating to see. It was then when Daehyun broke it with a new and supposedly interesting topic.
“so I heard you ran away with Sunhwa last night..did..something happened?”
“well..we go to her hotel..then”
“do that?” Youngjae felt the creeping of heat on his cheeks. His eyes slowly travelled to where his friend at only to find his gaze on him.
“yeah” and he lied. Nothing happened. He didn’t know why he needed to lie and of all people to his best friend.
“so Yoo Youngjae is no longer part of the virgins club?” Daehyun had this smile on his face that Youngjae, for once, wished is not there. And again he didn’t know why.
“ye-yeah..you can say that..are you jealous of me being out of our club?” He wanted to ease the mood between them. Ever since he came, he couldn’t stop noticing the forming awkwardness in the air.
“actually..” Daehyun’s smile was still there but it was a bit different. His eyes were lowered in the intertwined hands on his lap. Youngjae suddenly felt nervous of what to come. And for the third time, he didn’t know why.
“I lost mine too..last night”
Cold water splashed on his face, air stuck on his lungs making it hard to breath, time seemed to stop and his chest was hurting so bad. All of these at one very moment as Daehyun’s words rang in his head. He turned his eyes away from him as he tried to grasp what the other just said.
“that’s..good..it’s great” and he understood everything now. Those words slipped from his lips unconsciously and unintentionally. It was a lie. That is not good. It is not great. Since he knew he just had his first heart break.
If only he was more honest, he would have realized it earlier. Not now when it seemed too late.
As one love is finally being recognized, the other seems to slowly fading away.
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<<<<< HIM - Part 02 >>>>>
Pairing: Daejae (main), Bangdae, Daeup (minor)
Genre: angst, drama, romance
Warning: none. PG15
Summary: Sometimes the love we are searching for is right in front of us. Just too close for us to see.
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Sometimes the love we are searching for is right in front of us, just too close for us to see.
Youngjae was six when he had his first crush. She was his classmate at the daycare. Cute pigtails, yellow lacey dress, soft chubby cheeks and sugar- sweet voice; those were his reason of fascination. Excitement of going to school came from the sole purpose of seeing her. She was perfect in his eyes. Though young hearted and innocent, he was fully aware of the strange feeling of like towards the other.
“she is so cute” he gripped on the white horse toy on his hand as he took his time watching the little girl playing with their other classmate.
“cute?”
“yeah..the cutest in..the whole..whole world” he made imaginary circle using his both hands a smile plastered on his lips.
“re..really..are you..sure..no one’s cuter than her”
Youngjae glanced at his friend who was sitting on the ground, his chin propped between his folded knees. He took the space beside him and imitated his friend’s position bringing back his gaze on his object of admiration.
“very..very sure”
A sad smile appeared. If only he gave even just a little peek, Youngjae would have known that someone was hurting. A child’s first heartbreak was him.
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It was Valentines of Youngjae’s twelfth year of existence. He was in his last level in elementary and was pretty popular. He received lots of chocolates from his admirers and was greatly fond of it. He had two bags full of these sweet treats when he arrived home. He dumped them on the carpeted floor of his floor before entering his bathroom to change.
“you got so many chocolates” He walked out with fresh clothes on and watched his friend rummaging the contents of the paper bags. He sat at the edge of his bed as he continued to eye the gift boxes being pulled out from the bags and placed on the floor. He reached for one, popped it open and tasted the heart-shaped candy.
“do you even know where they are from?” the question made him stop from putting another one in his mouth. He shook his head and grinned.
“do you even like someone from those girls?”A muffled no came out of Youngjae’s mouth that was currently devouring the remaining contents of the box he had on his hand. He gave a satisfying smile before plopping down on the comforts of his bed.
A comfortable silence filled the room and Youngjae wondered what his friend is doing. He sat up and saw him standing by his desk, his back facing him. He was holding his school bag and seemed too absorbed in his thoughts.
“Daehyunnie?”
He saw his friend tense reaction but didn’t give it much attention. He stood up and was about to walk closer but Daehyun turned to face him the very time he made his first step.
“I want to eat some ramen..come with me..” He said in a cheerful voice. His eyes arced into thin line, cheekbones raised a bit higher as he put up a big smile. How could he reject that look? Youngjae thought it was cute and brought a same genuine smile on his face.
“let’s go.”
He came home satisfied with their meal and strode straight to his room. He kicked off his shoes and thrown his jacket on the swiveling chair near his desk. Then he caught sight of a rectangular box covered in red wrapper and ribbon. He lifted the item looking at it carefully and with curiosity. A small white envelope attached to it came into his view.
“argh..” He groaned as he looked at to what his foot had stepped on. He sighed as he found himself standing in middle of strewn boxes of sweets; some on the floor and others on his bed.
“that Daehyun made a mess of my room..taking out all of these boxes from the bag and leaving them for me to clean..ugh..” He bent down on his knees picking up the gifts and putting all back to the bags. His attention was once again caught by the red box. He took it, stared at it for a while and decided a mistake. He tossed it inside the bag along with the other unidentified gifts.
If only he spare even a little interest, he would have known that it was nothing like those other gifts. It was special. It was a confession. Just for him.
*******************************************************************************
End of semester for middle school was coming near. Every graduating student was in dilemma of the path they would take. Some were settled of attending a normal high school but others were considering entering a specialized education. Like any teenagers, Youngjae and Daehyun faced the same decision-making.
“why don’t you try a music school?” Youngjae said as he stared at the paper where names of different schools were printed. He looked at his friend who was playing with the tie of his rubber shoes seemed uninterested of this conversation.
“Daehyun-ah”
“hmm..”
“think about it..you have the talent..don’t waste it in attending a public school..”
“ok”
Youngjae could feel the unconcerned hint on his answer. It somehow built annoyance on him.
“yah..this is a serious matter..” Daehyun raised his head and met his friend’s irritated gaze. He fully understood his reaction and felt sorry for his actions.
“ok..i’ll consider the music school” he smiled. Youngjae sensed his temper settling down. He averted his eyes and felt embarrassed with his sudden mood. Wind gushed giving slight chills to Youngjae’s skin. The sound of leaves filled his ears as both of them came into silence. It didn’t took a while when he heard a soft humming coming from his side. . It was sweet and comforting. Then words started to replace the soft melody. He slowly directed his eyes on its source. For some reason he wished he didn’t.
The scene before him was beautiful. Daehyun’s head was placed on top of his knees folded against his chest and was angled to the side enough for him to have a view of his face His eyes were staring at nothing particular but it was giving off warmth and affection. He had this calm expression on his face and a loving smile on his lips. The bangs on his forehead danced along the gust of wind. Streaks of afternoon rays lighted the right places on his face making it a picture perfect image. It was so beautiful that it gave Youngjae an unusual feeling. And it somehow felt wrong, for him.
“beautiful..” he didn’t expect it to come out but it was too late to take back.
“hmm, beautiful?” Daehyun lifted his head up, confusion visible on his face. Youngjae averted from the other’s stare and coughed before coming up of an excuse.
“your voice..that’s why you shouldn’t waste it..there are so many reasons why you should choose music school..” Youngjae silently heave a sigh after those words. Time passed and there was no reply or anything from the other. He then felt him standing from his seat, taking a few steps out of the tree shade they were been for the last thirty minutes and turning to face him.
“I know” Daehyun was with that kind of smile that gave him the same weird feeling just a while ago. “but there is one reason why I shouldn’t..and it is enough”
And he watched him walked away from him. The bells ringing were in the background as he continued to have his eyes on the back of his retreating friend. He was left alone under their favorite spot in the school yard confused of what those words meant. He was completely clueless.
He shrugged it off as he did the same and followed the other inside pushing those words at the back of his mind. If only he listened carefully and gave even a tad of time to understand it more, he would know that the only reason was him. It was him.
*******************************************************************************
Second year in high school was the time when every student faced the greatest hurdles in their lives. The weight of the coming senior year and the exam that would tell their future. The moment when everyone tends to adapt to their environment and made bad decisions. And most of all, the time when innocence is slowly fading in every young hearts.
Daehyun ended up attending the same high school as Youngjae. Though disappointed that his friend doesn’t consider the talent school, Youngjae was still happy with it. Being with his best friend is always a joy for him. But it didn’t stop him from pushing the other on taking a path in singing.
Just like any other teenagers in their age, they’ve been into a lot of changes. Physically, both became utterly handsome with different approach. Youngjae, an original charmer, was popular because of his boy next door features and manly stature. Daehyun, a late bloomer, became striking for having an idol like look and gentle appearance. It was true that every girl and even the same sex eyed them with interest.
It was not the only changes that happened. Mentally and emotionally, they both matured. Their likes and dislikes were totally different from when they were young. Playing video games at home turned into hanging out in malls and pool centre. Watching cartoons was replaced by rated movies of many kinds. Ice creams became coffee and sometimes sips of cold beer. Being attracted to something or someone, became more than a simple infatuations.
“time flies so fast” He remarked before taking a drink of his cold beverage. He let out a loud satisfied sigh as he took in the great night view of Seoul from a rooftop. They were in a café where Daehyun worked as a waiter. The building only had one floor but since it was situated in a high area, they had a view of the whole city from its roof.
“yeah..just one more year and we’ll be graduating..” Daehyun agreed leaning his back on the metal railing. He tossed his empty can on the nearby trash bin before facing the beautiful view behind him. “do you have any plans?”
Youngjae looked at his friend and emptied his own drink. A low chuckle escaped his mouth as he thought of some made-up plans. He felt a light nudges on his side making him to flinch away.
“is there something funny with my question?”
“nothing..it’s just..you’re too serious about it.” Youngjae went back to his former position before the attack. “too early for that..”
“early? We only have one year to think about it”
“what we?..it’s only me that needs the thinking..for you..just take my advice and you’ll be fine” It was Daehyun’s turn to laugh.
“what? I’m serious..music is the path for you..if only you listen to me when I told you to enter that music school.”
“cmon it’s been two years..are you still pushing that idea?” There was a long pause and if not of the sound of passing cars, it was a complete stillness.
“anyway..why think of that..we have more things to consider before that” Youngjae cut through the quiet atmosphere. They turned their heads at the same time and their eyes met. And again it gave Youngjae an odd feeling inside. He swallowed a non existing lump on his throat and it took him more than he thought to avert and cool down his self.
“things?” a voice sent a crawling sensation on his skin. It made the hair on the back of his neck stood. It was so strange that it made him to feel a bit scared.
“y-yeah..things..li-like” He stuttered adding to the peculiarity of the situation. He tried to direct his gaze towards the other but regretted it. Daehyun was giving him an expression that sums all the cuteness and loveliness he knew. His eyes were rounded with curiosity, his lips were slightly protruding and his head were tilted to the side. His now colored hair moved with every blow of the cold breeze. The light from the bright full moon accentuated his features and making his skin sparkle under its glow.
“like love” Again out of blue, words slipped out of his lips. His heart started to drum crazy almost making his breathing difficult.
“love?” He searched for something to cover up his slip. He could feel his hands trembling as he brought them to his head running his fingers though his hair.
“yeah..love..we’re in the right age to have girl friends, right?..but until now we’re still single”
“is that so?” Youngjae didn’t miss the hint of sadness in those words. But he thought wrongly of what his friend wanted to imply.
“don’t worry..it’s not yet late to find one”
And he needed to find one, as soon as possible. Maybe that is what he needed to stop all this weird thoughts about his friend. Those were the things on his mind that very moment. It was the only solution he thought of to put an end to the bizarre feeling inside him. It was scaring him that it was not right especially he is his friend.
With that very plan, he started to date Sunhwa, a girl from his class that got his interest last semester. He never thought of going out with her but the happening just few days ago made him do it.
“Sunhwa?”
“yeah..you know her…she’s in your class last year..” Youngjae said before taking a bite of his sandwich. He chewed on the tasty treat waiting for any reaction from the other. And it was a bit off to get so curious of what the other think of his current interest.
“what do you think of her?”
“She’s pretty..but” Youngjae put down his lunch as he hang on the continuation of Daehyun’s comment. “do you really like her?”
“y-yeah..of course..that’s why I ask her for a date this Saturday..why..you ask?” Nervousness evident on his voice but it seemed to miss the other.
“nothing..i just thought this is all because of that talk we had few nights ago..you know the girl friend thing..”
“uhmm..well..” He noticed Daehyun’s gaze was focus on his plate and was playing with the remains of his food. “I really find her interesting..that’s why..i’m quite serious about it too”
Daehyun looked up to meet him and smiled. “good for you..i don’t think you need any help..i think she likes you too..so good luck”
Those words somehow felt a little heavy. Youngjae had an unsettling sensation swelling inside him. A part of him wanted to feel good with it but another one was wishing for Daehyun to tell him to think twice and reconsider. But why, it was the confusion he had. Why did he want Daehyun to stop him and what is it that he hoped to hear from the other.
The date was all fine that it happened again on the coming week. They didn’t talk about using the label on their relationship but people around them were the one that started to name them as couple. Youngjae was not against but he felt a little incomplete. He was happy with her but not as happy when he’s with Daehyun. His relationship with Sunhwa cut off some his time with his friend. If before he would always hang out on the café Daehyun was working and waited for his shift to end, it was decreased to twice or barely four times a week, and mostly it was during the weekends. Those times that he couldn’t make on meeting Daehyun, it was all because of Sunhwa’s demand of taking her home or going out.
“I understand..she’s your girl friend..you must choose her”
“thanks..i’ll make it up to you this weekend..”
“araso..i need to hang up..my shift’s starting” And a beeping sound indicated the start of another Daehyun less day.
“a party?”
“yeah..Jong Up is hosting a party on their rest house after the exams..”
“rest house?” Daehyun asked handing Youngjae a can of Cass beer before plopping on the sofa beside him. Youngjae was flipping channels on the TV as he explained the coming event.
“yeah..in incheon..his parents let him use their old house there for his birthday…he invited me and told me to tell you too..so?”
“so what?”
“are we coming?” Youngjae threw the TV control and face his friend. He had this pleading look on his face as he reached for the other’s hand enclosing it on his own.
“ok.” Daehyun was not a social person so partying was not his thing. But the puppy eyes Youngjae was on made it impossible to say no. He laughed as he watched the other jumped on the soft chair shouting ‘Nolza’.
Jong Up’s party was nothing like anything they’ve been to. It was like those high school parties in American shows. Music blaring throughout the house, loads of alcoholic drinks on every corner of the rooms, there were even college looking people being wild on the dance floor that was originally the house’s living room. It was a pretty big house, two floors with five rooms, the kitchen was almost half of the whole residence and there was a home bar, an infinity pool at the yard and a wide lawn.
Daehyun and Youngjae walked the inside of the house in awe taking in the unbelievable sight. They knew the boy is rich but not as much as this.
“thanks for coming.” Jong Up gave them a welcoming hug before handing them bottle of beers.
“great party” Youngjae almost shouted as the music got louder as people started to dance again.
“thanks..and Daehyun..i never thought you’ll come”
“blame this guy” Daehyun said pointing at the boy who was at the moment captivated by the girls on short skirts grinding their bodies against each other.
“you mean thank him..you never respond to my invites before” Jong Up leaned closer to Daehyun’s ear as he spoke.
“what are you two talking about?” Youngjae asked as he finally was able to leave his eyes away from the feasting view.
“nothing..enjoy the party” Jong Up sent a wink to Daehyun’s direction making Youngjae furrowed his brow. He looked at his friend with a demanding expression but Daehyun just shrugged his shoulder leading his way out of the crowd. Youngjae felt something inside but then ignored it as the song changed to his liking.
“hey..where is Youngjae?” a familiar girly voice made Daehyun averted his eyes from the group playing on the pool.
“Sunhwa?” He smiled before pointing his finger towards the inside of the house. “dancing..living room”
Sunhwa nodded her head putting down the martini glass on her hand. “thanks by the way.”
“for what?”
“for making him to come here..”
“you got it wrong..i was the one being force here”
Sunhwa chuckled taking a sip of her pinkish colored drink. “nah..he comes because you did..i tried asking him but he told me that he will ask you first”
Daehyun let out a silent laugh before reaching for another bottle of alcohol. “he’ll still come even I say no..”
“well..anyway..where are you two staying after the party?”
“we’re boys..we can sleep anywhere here and wait for the morning..then go back to Seoul first thing tomorrow..”
“oh..uhmm..this is a little embarrassing but..can I have Youngjae for tonight? I plan on..inviting him..you know..” Daehyun could see the red tint gracing the girl’s cheeks and decided to let her know that he fully understood what she wanted to tell.
“ok..no worries..”
“uhm..Sunhwa where are we going?” Youngjae asked the slightly tipsy girl who was dragging him out of the house.
“let’s go anywhere else..i’m bored..”
“where?”
“how about we go..to my hotel?” Youngjae felt fingers ghosting the back of his head. Then warm breathe caressed the side of his neck.
“Sunhwa..”He cut off when soft lips crashed into his. HE didn’t know if it was the strawberry taste or the alcohol he had been downing earlier that made him gave in to the kiss. He pushed her on the car and let his hand roamed her body, waist up to his neck.
“hotel..”
“yeah”
They were too absorbed in their world that they didn’t realize a pair of eyes watching them from a far. This person’s heart was breaking into pieces. Silent tears continued to stain his face as his eyes didn’t leave the scene in front of him, not until they disappeared at the night.
“why are you here all alone?”
“just..getting some fresh air” He kept his tone steady not wishing for the other to notice his grief. He heard footsteps coming near him and after some time he felt hands placed on his shoulders. Warmth air contacted with the skin close to his ears making him unconsciously tilt his head to the side. He closed his eyes as he let himself be enveloped by the comforting arms of the other boy.
“do you even like me?” Youngjae covered his face with his hands as he propped them on his knees his back facing the girl sitting against the bed’s headboard. She had the duvet covering her naked form as she slowly ran his hand on his long wavy hair. Youngjae was at the same state, white sheets pooling at his waist exposing his torso but it was far from his concern. The question thrown to him hit him hard, so hard that he suddenly felt dizzy.
They were in a heated situation just minutes ago, lust beating all rational reasons of not doing anything they might regret in the future. Clothes were ripped, kisses were shared. Their skins were burning with desire as hands brought intense sensation in every place it touched. But it didn’t last long. Just one word, and everything ended. One word from his lips made him realized his mistake.
Daehyun.
“I’m sorry”
“you called his name..why?”
“i..i don’t know” it was the truth.
“you should make up your mind..” Rustling sounds were heard followed by the slamming of the nearby door. He took out a deep breath before pushing himself up from the bed, picking up his discarded clothes on the floor and striding his way out of the room.
“when did you arrived?” That was Youngjae’s greeting as he walked inside Daehyun’s apartment. After dropping by his house just to let his parents know that he arrived safely, he went straight to his friend’s home. He threw himself on the sofa taking the TV control with him.
“this morning..you? have you gone home?”
“yeah..wash and change then here..why didn’t you call me?”
Daehyun took the seat beside him handing a drink that the other instantly devour. “my battery’s dead..”
“you took the bus?” He was staring at the screen all the time he was speaking, occasionally sipping of the sweet beverage on his mouth.
“Jong Up gave me a ride” Youngjae’s hand froze from its track and limply fell on his side. He averted his eyes from the TV but decided to wander it at nothing particular.
“I didn’t know you’re close with him”
“we’re classmates before”
“ah”
There was silence. They seemed too absorb on the show that they were watching though there was nothing fascinating to see. It was then when Daehyun broke it with a new and supposedly interesting topic.
“so I heard you ran away with Sunhwa last night..did..something happened?”
“well..we go to her hotel..then”
“do that?” Youngjae felt the creeping of heat on his cheeks. His eyes slowly travelled to where his friend at only to find his gaze on him.
“yeah” and he lied. Nothing happened. He didn’t know why he needed to lie and of all people to his best friend.
“so Yoo Youngjae is no longer part of the virgins club?” Daehyun had this smile on his face that Youngjae, for once, wished is not there. And again he didn’t know why.
“ye-yeah..you can say that..are you jealous of me being out of our club?” He wanted to ease the mood between them. Ever since he came, he couldn’t stop noticing the forming awkwardness in the air.
“actually..” Daehyun’s smile was still there but it was a bit different. His eyes were lowered in the intertwined hands on his lap. Youngjae suddenly felt nervous of what to come. And for the third time, he didn’t know why.
“I lost mine too..last night”
Cold water splashed on his face, air stuck on his lungs making it hard to breath, time seemed to stop and his chest was hurting so bad. All of these at one very moment as Daehyun’s words rang in his head. He turned his eyes away from him as he tried to grasp what the other just said.
“that’s..good..it’s great” and he understood everything now. Those words slipped from his lips unconsciously and unintentionally. It was a lie. That is not good. It is not great. Since he knew he just had his first heart break.
If only he was more honest, he would have realized it earlier. Not now when it seemed too late.
As one love is finally being recognized, the other seems to slowly fading away.
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<<<<< HIM - Part 02 >>>>>