A Mile for the Journey (5/6) -- a TGW fic
Title: A Mile for the Journey (5/6)
Author: sweetjamielee
Beta: threeguesses
Fandom: The Good Wife
Pairing: Kalinda/Alicia
Word Count: approx. 7,600/33,500
Spoilers: 2x14
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: M
Summary: The divorce came through, and it was time for Alicia to find herself.
Previous parts:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
A/N: And it all comes to a climax. This part was the most difficult to write, and I hope it does justice to what came before it. Thank you, thank you, those who have been sticking with me. You make me feel great about writing for this fandom and this pairing. :-*
--
Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick was in love with Kalinda Sharma.
Alicia loved her boldness, her savvy… loved her intelligence and her mastery over nearly every situation and every person she came across. And because she loved all those things, nothing surprised Alicia more than finding that, when she thought of Kalinda being scared or hurt…
It made Alicia love her a hundred times more, for being so damn real.
She would have never believed that she could feel so much for somebody, and know so little about them. She was a little afraid that if she did learn more, she’d end up loving her so much that her heart would never be able to let go of Kalinda again.
After the initial shock of this revelation had passed, an eerie serenity settled over Alicia; much like the one when she had finally decided to divorce Peter.
It was possible she (and Owen) were wrong, about Kalinda’s feelings. That Kalinda’s primary interest in Alicia was, and had always been, diversion and sex, and that she was now shaking her head that yet another person had fallen for her and confused physical intimacy for the emotional sort. That she’d left because she really didn’t want the same things Alicia did. Because she really didn’t want Alicia.
But the more she thought through the events of the past few months, Alicia was more convinced than ever that she wasn’t wrong. Not that it mattered if, as Owen had sagely pointed out, Kalinda wasn’t ready or willing to deal with it.
Not to say Alicia was ready to deal with it.
Yet… sometimes before she slept, she could still smell Kalinda’s perfume on her sheets. It was a few days past the one when Alicia typically had them laundered, and she had made excuses not to do it - if she were honest with herself, she wasn’t ready to lose that scent that was both exotic and soothing at the same time.
She couldn’t imagine not breathing it in again.
She couldn’t imagine not touching Kalinda, not talking at work, or at dinner, or late into the night, eyes flirting over their wine glasses and exchanging unspoken promises that Alicia had never imagined wanting to make with anyone else again.
She didn’t want to imagine it.
But Alicia had her pride, too. It wasn’t her style to pursue someone who’d made a clear statement about not wanting to be with her - even if that statement was based on assumptions Alicia believed to be untrue. Assumptions like the one that Alicia couldn’t handle a relationship with someone like Kalinda, and would back out once she realized that she really needed a man, or a husband, or a white picket fence.
Assumptions like the one that Kalinda was incapable of believing in something enough to commit to it - trusting it enough to give it a chance.
Alicia had a feeling that she had more faith in Kalinda’s heart than did Kalinda herself.
Late Sunday night, she lay in bed with her hands behind her head, thinking about her choices. The fact was that the safest and (probably) best option would be to let this one go. It would sting for awhile, but then she could be on her own for awhile like she’d always intended, and maybe, someday, find someone else to be with - someone mature, and honest, and good in relationships. Someone who wanted the same things Alicia wanted.
Someone like that would be so easy.
Reaching out, Alicia plucked her cell off the nightstand and stared at it for a minute before opening a new text screen.
Do I take a chance on something I believe in, even if I might come out of it feeling like an idiot?
She hit ‘send’ and waited. She wasn’t even sure if her brother stayed up this late these days. But it was a mere thirty seconds before her phone vibrated in response.
Read that as ‘do I deserve to be happy?’ Am not dignifying with response.
Alicia smiled at the screen. She should have expected that.
She fell asleep holding her phone to her heart.
--
Alicia preferred not to do these sorts of things at work. Actually, she had never done them at work, and she preferred not to do them at all. But there were a few reasons why she chose to do it there anyway. The first being that it would be the next place she saw Kalinda again, and if she waited, she’d quite possibly lose her nerve. The second was that she needed a place Kalinda couldn’t easily escape from - because by now Alicia had realized that escape was Kalinda’s default instinct.
She still felt a little bad about cornering Kalinda like this; but even Alicia’s newfound empathy couldn’t quite temper her anger at another person pretending they knew what was best for her - pretending like they knew what she could handle.
So it was a strange amalgam of frustration and affection that propelled Alicia to Kalinda’s office before she even dropped her things off in her own. She entered with an uncharacteristic lack of manners, not bothering to knock or check to see if Kalinda were busy - just walking inside and flicking the door shut behind her with one smooth motion.
Kalinda dragged her eyes from her computer screen to Alicia as if it hurt her to do it. Alicia understood her weariness, and her likely resentment of being accosted on her home turf.
Alicia couldn’t let it matter right now. Not even when she realized that, in her surge of exasperation and boldness, she hadn’t completely thought through what words she wanted to say.
But Kalinda was staring at her, looking uncomfortable and anxious, yet not completely surprised - maybe having known it was only a matter of time before this happened because as smart as Kalinda was, it had been a long time since she'd mistaken Alicia for the passive type. And Alicia had a memory.
“Do you remember, you once told me I was always waiting for people to give me things,” Alicia said without preamble, and it wasn’t a question because she knew Kalinda always remembered everything.
Kalinda blinked, processing. “You were about to lose your job.”
“Yes. And my job was important to me, and I still didn’t want to do the things I had to in order to keep it. I’m an attorney, and I was afraid of being pushy. Of bothering people. Isn’t that silly?”
Kalinda may not have been on the top of her game at the moment, but she still made a last-ditch effort to change the subject after ascertaining where this was going. “Is there something you need, Alicia? With work?”
There were plenty of things Alicia needed right now, very few of them work-related, and she was done denying them. She leaned forward, the tips of her fingers on Kalinda’s desk. “You’re afraid. I am too. Fear’s not a good enough reason, to keep from doing the things you want. The things you should. There’s got to be something more than that.”
To Kalinda’s credit, she didn’t jump to disclaiming that fear, as Alicia thought she might; she didn’t even change the subject this time, or pretend to not know what Alicia was talking about, or tell her this wasn’t the time or place. But she still stood her ground, expression turning determined. “How about that it’s impossible? Is that a good enough reason?”
“It’s not impossible.” Alicia found that the more she thought it, the more she said it, the truer she believed it to be.
Kalinda shook her head, in exasperation or disbelief or both. “How? Why?”
There were several emotions playing over Kalinda’s face; Alicia recognized them now, whereas before she’d ignored them - when she’d needed or wanted to believe that Kalinda was stronger than her, somehow more than human, and unaffected by the internal struggles that cowed normal people. But it was that humanness that had touched Alicia; the real person behind the always-calm and competent exterior, who she’d fallen for. And as much as it terrified her to know that neither of them really had a plan or knew what they were doing, she also knew that the very best things nearly always came with risks.
So Alicia took one, in the moment she tilted her head, blinked, and said more calmly than she ever would have believed herself capable: “Because I love you.”
And then, having made her most compelling argument, she turned and walked toward the door.
“Alicia.”
Never in their history of knowing each other, had Alicia heard Kalinda sound so panicked. She paused with her hand on the doorknob; looked back to where Kalinda was strangling the edge of her desk.
“You can’t say things like that.” The desperation in Kalinda’s tone was now matched by her expression; Alicia would have felt worse about Kalinda’s distress if she had believed herself to be any less gobsmacked by this, than Kalinda herself. As it was, the only difference Alicia saw was that she was finally being more honest with herself.
So instead of questioning, or arguing, or even humoring, Alicia just gave Kalinda as kind a smile as she could manage. “Let me know if that changes anything.”
She left Kalinda then to contemplate her own demons, while Alicia contemplated just how chaotic she’d just made her life.
--
Now, Alicia knew, the right thing was to back off. Lobbing the ball into someone else’s court meant you could only wait for it to be returned - or not. She’d made a choice - taken a stand, and it was all she could do. She couldn’t make Kalinda love her, but she could feel secure in the knowledge that she hadn’t let fear hold her back this time, like she had so many times before. It was an aching victory -- to know that you had put the whole of yourself out for someone to take or leave, been true and honest and exposed, and still able to be rejected.
But she’d been strong. And that was something.
Alicia caught Kalinda looking at her sometimes in a bitter and resentful way, and in it she read: Damn you for making me feel this way. For making this weird. This is why I don’t get involved.
Sometimes Alicia felt unrepentant - after all, she’d never be in this position if Kalinda hadn’t set it in motion to begin with. Other times, there were those flashes of strain on Kalinda’s face, so strange for the woman who never gave anything away, and Alicia felt guilty for making things hard for her. The defenses Kalinda used might not be healthy, but they had worked for her - kept her together for God knew how many years, and maybe it was selfish of Alicia to try to tear them away from her.
It was done now.
Maybe a lot of things were done.
--
The days of silence that followed were agonizing. It was likely that what sustained Alicia through them were the calluses she’d built up during Peter’s scandal; no matter how awkward things were now, it could never compare to the humiliation she’d steeled herself against during that time of her life. Alicia practically had a Ph.D. in ignoring the chill.
But she herself wasn’t cold or unaffected, and she fought every day against running back to Kalinda’s office and telling her she didn’t mean it, she took it back - anything so they could just get back to being normal again, or at least professional, like she’d told Will they’d be.
One evening her brother called, demanding an update on the situation. Alicia retired to her room out of earshot of the kids and gave it to him without resistance.
“You’re such a big, brave girl,” he told her, and although the words could have been interpreted as condescending, Alicia heard genuine admiration in his tone.
“This is one of those times it made no difference,” she sighed, making her way to her closet to choose the next day’s outfit for work. She ran her hand across dozens of jackets and collared shirts, all neatly pressed - thank God for laundry services. “She officially doesn’t want this.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s been a week, Owen.” She pulled her yellow blazer out and hung it on the doorknob. “She hasn’t said anything. Anything. After I told her that.”
“Maybe she’s just getting up the nerve.”
Her black pumps and belt sailed onto the bed. “Maybe all my relationships with people at work are destined to end in awkwardness because of leftover feelings. Maybe I need to get out more and meet people who are not employees of Lockhart Gardner.”
“I’m not going to argue that last point. You need more friends than me. I love you sis, but I don’t know what you women do. With your… purses and your tea parties and your… your… eyelash curlers…”
“Yeah, I get it,” she sighed.
“You know you did the right thing though, right? If you hadn’t said something, you’d always be wondering if it would have made a difference.”
“I know that. It’s just hard not to regret it when it feels so wrong right now.”
“Well… I might have a little something to distract you, if you’re interested.”
She froze in her activities, instantly suspicious. “What are you talking about?”
“Just hear me out. He’s a tenured communications and media studies professor. Divorced for five years, one kid a little older than Zach.”
“Owen…”
“He eyes up that picture I have of you on my bookshelf - that one from our Aspen trip - every time he comes into my office.”
“First of all, that picture is almost ten years old, and second, why is he in your office that often? Maybe he likes you.”
“Don’t deflect. You’ve looked the same for the past twenty years. And he’s straight as an arrow. Way straighter than you. I’m going to give you his number.”
“No.”
“Are you completely off men now?”
“Owen, the solution to my problems is not more dating. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”
“No, what got you into this mess was going out with someone you work with, who isn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with you. I promise you, this would be just for fun. Get your mind off things. I know how you get, when get in your head about this stuff. And if nothing else, maybe you could just make a new friend.”
Alicia sunk down to her bed. She’d been so preoccupied by things with Kalinda, not to mention with keeping involved with the kids and the constant stressors of her job, that the thought of making a concerted effort to move on hadn’t even occurred to her.
“I’m going to text you his name and number once we’re done here. You don’t have to do anything right away, just… think about it?” her brother wheedled.
“Fine. I’ll think about it.” From somewhere in apartment she heard Grace shrieking at her brother. “I’ve gotta go. My children are turning feral.”
“Hmm. I blame the schools.”
“I blame distracted, absentee parents,” she muttered under her breath. They said their goodbyes. Before she was even out the door, she heard the telltale vibration of her phone receiving a text.
Even though she knew it was the name and number of a stranger, she still checked to make sure it didn’t come from the person always hoped it was.
--
Even as Alicia was accepting that Kalinda’s silence meant that her bold confession actually didn’t change anything, and trying to put this whole crazy thing into perspective as some kind of learning experience or post-divorce growing pain, Alicia found herself struggling with just how much it hurt - trying to come to terms with another ending.
One snowy Friday, she’d considered who she could get to distract her from another weekend alone -- had thought of asking Peter for another trade-off with the kids, or enlisting Owen to come help her with some other project or maybe even just to do something fun. But in the end she realized she had to get used to this sometime - being alone with only her thoughts to accompany her.
So when the evening came and work was done, she resolutely poured herself a glass of wine and tried to focus on the book she was reading, on tv, on making dinner - anything but thinking of the woman who didn’t want her.
She wasn’t successful.
When news of Peter’s scandal had come out, he and Alicia had already been disconnected for quite some time - Peter had been absorbed by all the politicking and the activities and forced socializing that went with it, and Alicia was wrapped up in the kids and resentful of the things she had given up just to have a husband who was barely ever around. She was incredibly disappointed, hurt, and humiliated by that betrayal - not just of her, but of their family, their privacy, their life together - but the truth of the matter was that at that point, she didn’t feel like she was losing her one great love anymore, because that love had already faded in the course of leading largely separate lives.
And Will - after their repressed feelings had come to light, and it had been made clear over and over again that their timing was just never going to be right - that had stung, too. She mourned for the innocent hopefulness of their relationship at Georgetown, and for the lost possibilities of what they could have been.
Alicia was no stranger to heartbreak, and she should have been better prepared to deal with it. But… she didn’t feel anything but lost. Her relationship with Kalinda had been nothing like anything she’d ever experienced - even when Alicia felt completely out of her element, she still had never felt as stimulated with another person as she did with this woman. It was like connecting with and figuring out the mysterious and precocious Kalinda enervated Alicia, opening her up to new ways of understanding not just her colleague, but herself and her life and the whole damn world.
But it didn’t matter now. Because while Alicia had been opening up to these new experiences, Kalinda had firmly shut off and shut down. And that was the end of that.
Alicia was so damn sick of grieving these losses.
Swirling her wine in her glass, she glanced at the notepad sitting on the end table. On it was written the name and number of a man that Owen had promised her would be fun, and intelligent, and would have a lot in common with her.
She had no inclination toward more dating right now. But she was very much interested in not feeling this way anymore.
Her fingers crept toward her cell. She was already imagining how this conversation would go. “Hi, I’m Alicia, that cute girl in the ski jacket from the picture on Owen Cavanaugh’s desk? I just was involved in a massive political scandal, got divorced, and am still pretty hung up on the person with whom I just had a lesbian interoffice affair, but other than that I’m pretty fun! Care to have a drink?”
But in the end, the thing that made her pull her hand back wasn’t how ridiculous it sounded.
It was looking out the window and remembering how Kalinda’s lips had tasted in the snow.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she’d move on.
For one more night, Alicia would just let herself miss her.
--
It took her a long while to fall asleep, but once she did she slept hard and dreamless.
That sleep was so deep that when she was first startled out of it, she had no idea of what had woken her. She sat up, feeling as if lead weights were attached to her upper body. Blinked a few times. Rubbed her eyes.
Nothing.
She lay back down.
But then the knock came again, and she remembered. This is what had pulled her from her slumber.
A glance at her alarm clock told her it was one forty in the morning, and she was instantly more awake and aware and wary; this wasn’t the time for visitors, and she was all alone here - vulnerable. But she was fairly certain most home invasions didn’t start with a knock barely loud enough to hear.
Alicia rose out of bed, moving carefully; the room was lit with that strange white glow it got when the city was covered with snow, its light reflected through the window across sheets of pure, bright white. She padded down the hallway and through the living room in bare feet, still feeling somehow surreal - maybe she was still sleeping, and not so dreamlessly. It felt even more the case once she looked through the peephole and recognized her late-night visitor.
The sound of the locks disengaging felt deafening against the silence of the night. She pulled the door open and stood quietly, regarding Kalinda with tired and perplexed eyes. Kalinda’s eyes, on the other hand, looked like those of a wild animal that had been trapped and struggling for a quite some time - both exhausted and desperate. Her hair and clothes were damp, as if she’d been out in the snow for a long while before making the decision to come in where it was warm.
“You have more to lose than I do,” she told Alicia, not bothering with niceties.
Though she’d been shocked out of sleep, Alicia felt very, very clear. She thought of her children, her parents, her brother… even of Will, who, despite all the complications, had always been a good friend to her. “I’ll never lose the things that matter,” she replied quietly.
Kalinda looked as miserable as Alicia had ever seen her; glancing around like she wanted to escape, but not having the will to do so. “Fuck. Alicia. I’ve been so tired. I’ve wanted…” She trailed off, as if not knowing or not having the energy to finish what she wanted to say.
“Shh. I know.” They did have to talk about this; Alicia knew that, and she wanted to. But right now Kalinda looked as exhausted as she felt, and the thought of confronting everything that was between them tonight felt like an insurmountable task. “Come in.” Taking Kalinda by the hand, she led her inside.
Once the door was shut and the locks were turned again, she turned her attention to the woman in front of her. Kalinda was looking downward, as if ashamed to meet her eyes. Reaching out, Alicia cupped her cold cheeks in her hands, forcing Kalinda’s gaze higher.
“I shouldn’t have bothered you tonight,” Kalinda breathed, still obviously fighting the urge that brought her here.
Alicia let her hands drop down to Kalinda’s slumped shoulders, then she enfolded her slowly into her arms.
Kalinda seemed to melt into her, wrapping her arms around Alicia’s waist and burying her face into her shoulder. They stood for a moment like this, holding one another. Alicia pressed her cheek into Kalinda’s hair, savoring the silky soft brush and the ambered scent of it.
“Come on,” Alicia whispered, releasing Kalinda despite her reluctance, taking the other woman’s hand and pulling her gently toward the bedroom.
The small lamp on the bedside stand that Alicia turned on provided the only light in the room; the dim illumination cast dark shadows on Kalinda’s cheeks from her lowered eyelashes, as she sank onto the edge of the bed.
Alicia undressed Kalinda then to her underwear; slowly, methodically; not quite like a small child, but with hands that lingered tenderly and comfortingly on the skin she exposed. Kalinda allowed it, watching Alicia with a tired and vaguely confused look, as if she couldn’t quite understand why Alicia was being so nice to her. She even raised her arms obediently when Alicia took an oversized t-shirt from the dresser and pulled it down over her head; she looked tiny inside all the material, and it made Alicia’s chest tighten in the way it always did, when Kalinda seemed so uncharacteristically vulnerable.
Climbing on her knees onto the bed behind Kalinda, Alicia stroked her hair and hesitated for just a moment before pulling out the pins and band that held it in place. She combed her fingers through it once it fell thick and loose to Kalinda’s shoulders.
“Alicia…” Kalinda started, hesitantly, perhaps feeling the delayed need to tell Alicia to stop, she could do this all herself.
“In the morning,” Alicia replied firmly. She placed a hand on Kalinda’s shoulder, urging her back on the sheets to climb under the covers. Once Kalinda was securely nestled inside, Alicia leaned over to the nightstand and switched off the lamp.
In the dark, there was only the sound of her breathing to remind Alicia that Kalinda was here with her. For a guilty few seconds, she wondered if she should go sleep on the couch; Kalinda was obviously feeling uncertain, and exposed, and Alicia didn’t want to take advantage of her or the situation. This had been such a difficult past few days.
But Alicia loved her. And truth be told, she was feeling as needy as Kalinda looked when she arrived on her doorstep tonight.
Putting all guilt aside for the time being, she slid under the covers behind Kalinda. Alicia might have resisted the urge to touch her, if Kalinda hadn’t immediately eased backward against her body. And then, there was too much sweet, soft, and warm to do anything but wrap her arm around Kalinda, tucking a forearm under her breasts and tangling their legs together.
They sighed in unison - relieved.
Then they slept.
--
It would eventually matter why Kalinda was here. The things they talked about would matter, and the decisions they made.
But some important and intrinsic part of Alicia didn’t give a damn at the moment. And that part of her allowed her the most comforting, restful, blissful sleep, as long as this woman was in her arms.
It was only a few hours until she woke again, but when she did she felt incredibly rested and content and just a little surprised to find Kalinda still next to her - it hadn’t been a dream.
Even though the other woman wasn’t moving, Alicia somehow sensed her wakefulness - perhaps from the cadence of her breath - and she curled her hand around Kalinda’s hip, rubbing softly in a soothing gesture. At the movement, Kalinda turned and faced her on the bed.
Kalinda’s fingertips reached up to touch Alicia’s cheek - whisper-soft and tentative. Alicia turned her face into the caress, nuzzling into Kalinda’s palm and forgetting to be ashamed of how much she craved this - not just the feel of Kalinda’s skin against her own, but her tenderness. Alicia could feel her struggling - wanting to say things, but feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the words.
“It’s okay,” Alicia told her, wanting to give her the permission to be silent right now, if that’s what she needed.
“It’s not. I’ve been careless with you,” Kalinda whispered into the dark. “You deserve more.”
“Then give me more.”
“What if I’m bad at it?”
“I’ll love you anyway.”
Alicia took Kalinda’s gasp from her with a kiss - soft and sweet and unhurried - promising that the words were true. They traded that promise back and forth for long moments, embers warming slowly. Alicia touched Kalinda’s face, meaning to brush her hair back so they could kiss more freely - and then she felt it.
There was a single trail of moisture that streaked down Kalinda’s fine cheekbone. It dampened Alicia’s fingers and she stilled for a second, shocked.
She wasn’t alone in this. She never had been.
It set something off inside of her - something deep and protective and almost feral - and then she was tugging the other woman on top of her and clasping her close, closer… so close Alicia could feel the pounding of Kalinda’s heart against her own, and she felt lost in the curtain of thick, dark hair that fell around their faces and trapped her in a world of Kalinda’s touch and taste and scent.
It was another chance Alicia was taking - that tonight wouldn’t be the one Kalinda decided once and for all that it wasn’t worth it, to be so exposed and open, to let Alicia see something real and raw inside of her. That it wouldn’t be the last they’d spend together.
But months ago, Kalinda had taken a chance on Alicia-asking her out when the likely response would have been no, being patient with her anxieties when it would have been easier to move onto someone uncomplicated, someone more experienced; someone who would give Kalinda what she thought she wanted and not ask for or need more.
They owed each other one more risk.
Kalinda’s hands were restless on her, and Alicia found that she empathized… she was suddenly voracious for the feel of silky flesh, for the distinct flavors of Kalinda’s throat and her thighs and the tips of her breasts - she wanted it fast and wanted it slow and wanted it all, and she never wanted it to stop.
Fighting her way into a sitting position and forcing Kalinda up with her, Alicia sighed as she was finally able to slip her fingers under Kalinda’s t-shirt unencumbered and feel the softness of her belly, the sweet flare of her hips.
This was the skin she’d been wanting to feel - the breath she wanted to hear quicken - the hands she wanted pulling at her clothes and the mouth she wanted pressed against her body. The pieces fell together again as they touched one another, clothes giving way to persistent fingers.
“I’ve missed you,” Alicia told Kalinda on a breathy sigh as her tongue traced a slow path from the valley between Kalinda’s breasts, to the hollow of her throat.
“Show me,” Kalinda told her, and it sounded a plea rather than a challenge.
Alicia would show her. She’d show her everything.
Groaning, Alicia hauled her leg over Kalinda’s and they pulled together, weaving their limbs and clasping one another close as possible - sex to sex, breast to breast, sharing each other’s breath. For a moment they didn’t move, luxuriating in the press of their bodies, the connectedness. And then Kalinda’s hips rolled once - a request for more. And Alicia couldn’t deny her.
Had anything ever felt as lovely as this? The rich taste of this woman’s lips, the sweet, slippery slide of them together, the satin touch of their smooth skin, the friction unbearably tantalizing as they moved instinctively in the ways that gave the most pleasure. Kalinda was making the sexiest little sounds against Alicia’s mouth, making her hot all over, eventually making Alicia pick up the speed of their slow undulations against one another to fan the flames.
Kalinda’s movements grew frantic, her mouth opening hotly against Alicia’s while her nails scraped at her ass, and Alicia remembered each of the telltale signs of her impending climax - the knowledge making that inevitable moment that much more thrilling. She held her closer.
“Baby. Don’t let go,” Kalinda hissed, as if Alicia could ever be persuaded to do so.
“I won’t,” Alicia promised, voice choked with desire as she anchored Kalinda tightly to her, riding hard against her once, twice, three times more until the other woman tensed in her arms, teeth sinking gently into Alicia’s shoulder to muffle her shuddering sigh.
Alicia had been so focused on Kalinda, on the experience of her, that the sudden burst of her own orgasm came a surprise to her - shocking in its white-hot intensity, and in the emotion it wrenched from her pounding heart. God, how she’d needed this… how she’d needed this woman next to her, beside her, against her, sharing this with her, and for the first time feeling she might have a safe place to fall.
They rocked together slowly for a few more moments, holding one another’s damp bodies against the chill of the cool room, until Kalinda’s small shiver encouraged Alicia to untangle their legs and move, pulling the covers back over them. Kalinda resisted their separation for the briefest second before giving in, allowing herself to be tucked back into the cocoon of warmth.
It was getting lighter now; Alicia could see Kalinda’s face clearly as they lay facing one another. Kalinda fingers flexed open above the blanket covering them, and Alicia traced small circles on the palm with her fingertip, finding exquisite the contrast of light on dark.
Kalinda’s eyelids were heavy with satisfaction, but she was ever watchful. So much expressed, with so much still unsaid.
Even in the midst of the lovely feelings, Alicia felt guilt. Kalinda had come here tonight, reaching out to her - for her. Maybe sex wasn’t the right response - even if right now, it felt like this was the least selfish sex they had ever had.
“Don’t regret it,” Kalinda said softly, as if reading her mind, and Alicia shook her head slightly in amazement. Kalinda was such an exercise in contradictions; so perceptive about some things, and so blind to others.
Alicia’s fingers stilled against Kalinda’s hand. “You either,” she whispered, and the faintest trace of a smile crossed Kalinda’s face.
Kalinda’s hand closed; clasped Alicia’s inside of it.
They drifted off again.
--
It was the first morning Kalinda ever slept longer than Alicia did. When Alicia woke, she blinked hard at the sight of Kalinda curled up in her bed in the bright light of day. She looked small and peaceful and lovely against the pale yellow sheets, and Alicia almost dreaded than the moment when she’d wake up - the caution slipping back into her eyes, stiffness to her limbs, maybe telling Alicia that this was a nice goodbye, but goodbye was certainly what it was.
Because she couldn’t bear to wake her and face it, or to lie there silently and worry, Alicia slipped quietly from the bed, pulling her robe off the hook in the inside of her closet and pulling it over her shoulders. She maneuvered into the kitchen, where she took on the mechanical and soothing task of making coffee. She stood at the counter and watched the hypnotic drip, drip, drip into the carafe.
Alicia hadn’t thought it was possible to be more conflicted about this situation than she’d been in the past week. What woman didn’t dream of the person she loved and had been longing for, coming to her in the dead of night - falling into her arms, holding her close, making love to her until there was no energy or will left to remember the doubt or the fear or the hurt feelings?
Owen had warned her that as long as Kalinda were confused, she’d continue to play games. Alicia wasn’t sure if she could handle it, if last night were a game.
It had felt so real.
By the time Alicia pulled out of her reverie, the coffeepot had been done running for several minutes. Alicia shook her head, clearing the cobwebs, and poured two mugs. Maybe she should have just skipped the formalities and broken into the liquor cabinet.
Taking hold of the mugs and finding almost masochistic enjoyment in the too-hot sting of the glass on her skin, she carried them back to the bedroom. There she found Kalinda sitting up in bed, blinking sleepily - huge eyes looking so different when not completely alert and rimmed with dark liner.
“Hi,” Alicia told her quietly. She circled to Kalinda’s side of the bed and handed her one of the mugs. Kalinda took it with two hands, and their fingers overlapped. Their gazes met, and for a moment Alicia was nearly embarrassed - the intimacies they’d shared last night, how much she herself she had revealed to this woman, all culminating in the inadequate niceties of coffee - before Kalinda said a soft ‘thank you” and Alicia released the cup.
Alicia moved back around to her side of the bed; gingerly slipped back under the covers.
Her companion took a sip from her mug, and then stared down into it, as if contemplating whether it was what she really wanted. It was more than a little gratifying when Kalinda placed the mug on the stand beside her and turned back to Alicia, leaning in and pressing a soft and chaste kiss to her lips instead… bringing last night into this morning.
Giving up the pretense, Alicia set her coffee on the nightstand beside her as well, then laid on her stomach on the bed. She rested her head in the cradle of her crossed arms and they just shared the space for a few silent moments, Kalinda’s fingertips tracing absent-minded circles on Alicia’s back.
“When we first met I thought you were either weak, or a fool,” Kalinda spoke first.
Alicia startled a bit. Kalinda rarely spoke first, and it seemed a strange choice in topics. Still, that reveal didn’t particularly surprise her.
“I know,” she replied, turning her head on the pillow to better-regard the woman next to her. “Because I didn’t put a knife through Peter’s heart.” Strange, the things that stick with you, but Alicia could remember nearly every detail of that first drink with Kalinda - maybe because she’d been sizing her up in kind. Now, the memory of Kalinda’s words caused a small smile to touch her lips.
“After the night of the party, I wanted to just go back to the way things were before. But something felt missing. And I kept thinking to myself… who’s the fool now? Who’s the weak one?”
Alicia couldn’t help wondering about the things that had happened to Kalinda, to make her think that any decision guided by the heart was a foolish one. “What about now?”
“Now I think you’re the strongest person I know.” There wasn’t an ounce of insincere flattery in Kalinda’s tone; it was stated as fact. “Me? I’m not so sure.”
Shaking her head, Alicia stared at the ceiling. “It’s not exactly high praise, if you think it’s foolish to be with me.”
Kalinda sighed, obviously frustrated at being misunderstood. “It would be foolish to not want to be with you. But the reality of the situation…” She paused. “I thought you’d turn me down, you know. When I asked you out.”
Alicia looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. “No you didn’t. If you really did, you would have never asked.”
“I just knew it was the only chance. You’re the kind of person people want, Alicia. After you were divorced, it was just a matter of time - if it wasn’t going to be Will, it would be someone. And I figured when I asked and you turned me down, then at least I could stop thinking about it.”
Alicia had now gone from feeling vaguely insulted, to being as endeared by Kalinda as she’d ever been - she would have never guessed that when it came to things like dating, that Kalinda was anything other than confident, assertive, and unapologetic. The fact that she had gotten her chance, then squandered it, spoke to something that made Alicia hurt for her - and also made her proud that both of them had ultimately made decisions that still led them here, in this bed, this morning.
“Also figured you wouldn’t last past that first coffee,” Kalinda added.
“Aren’t I just full of surprises?” Alicia teased gently, but she knew all this was less likely about her capacity to surprise, and more about the things that Kalinda had wanted to believe. And as much as Kalinda obviously felt drawn to Alicia, and to this, there was a part of her that had hoped Alicia would make things easier by backing out. A part of her that still did wish it, and perhaps always would.
It made Alicia’s chest constrict a bit, to think of it.
Kalinda was studying her, and as if confirming Alicia’s thoughts, came out suddenly with: “I don’t know what to do with kids.”
“If you’re talking about mine then we match well, because neither do I,” Alicia groused, thinking for a moment of pornography and churches and her sincere desire to ban her children from the internet until they were thirty years old. She hadn’t given full consideration yet to what would happen, should Kalinda be introduced to the kids’ lives in any kind of real way - and certainly, it was a concern, because Zach and Grace would always be the most important parts of Alicia’s world. What would she do, if Kalinda refused to be a part of theirs?
But Kalinda didn’t appear to be refusing. Just… warning of the difficulty. So Alicia added, “It’s something we could talk about.”
Kalinda didn’t respond for a moment - still regarding Alicia with that intense look on her face. Then: “The man I was married to isn’t a good person. There are things I did to get away… I might never want to talk about them.” She said it with an edge of defensiveness, as if she expected Alicia to argue.
It was true, Alicia’s pain and empathy for whatever Kalinda had experienced was tinged with curiosity for the mystery of it, and fear for what it meant in the future - she wanted to know the things that were important to Kalinda, that made her become the woman she was today. But the past was less important than the future, and Alicia knew that Kalinda’s guardedness would never change overnight. “I understand. We can talk about it if you ever want to. Or not, if you don’t.”
Kalinda rolled to her back, staring at the ceiling with her fingers laced under her breasts, looking troubled.
“Am I saying the wrong things here?” Alicia asked her, perplexed.
“You’re making all these concessions for me. I’m just… not comfortable with it.”
Alicia exhaled, reaching out and touching the other woman’s cheek, making Kalinda to look at her again. “Let’s get something straight here. Being with you - the way you are - isn’t a concession, Kalinda. Just as I hope it wouldn’t be a concession to be with me. Yes, there are some things that are different than what I’m used to, but… I can deal with it. As long as you’re there, dealing along with me. I just don’t want to do it alone anymore. I don’t want to have to worry that you’re going to… check out, every time something feels strange or different or hard.”
It was hard to tell from her expression if Kalinda were buying it, or still seeing this all as some unlikely script from a clichéd romance movie.
“And I’ll have you know,” Alicia tried additionally, “as my brother will tell you, I can be a pretty big pain in the ass too.”
“Mmm, no kidding,” Kalinda mused, and Alicia pulled the pillow out from under her head for a smack. Kalinda dodged it easily, clasping it between her hands and easing in for an almost-apologetic kiss. Alicia found herself smiling into her lips, and feeling the slightest bit lighter after their tense moments - and even that bit felt like an enormous relief.
When they separated, Kalinda was looking at her with affection, and Alicia knew the same was being reflected in her own eyes.
“So are you gay now?” The way Kalinda’s mouth tipped up confirmed that she was teasing. “Because you know people are going to ask.”
That amused her. “Gay enough.” She nuzzled Kalinda’s breasts playfully with her face, to her delight getting a laugh from the other woman - and then it occurred to Alicia just what was implied behind the humor. Even though part of her wanted to stay more guarded, because for sure things were still uncertain and who ever knew what Kalinda was really thinking - her heart leapt a bit.
“We don’t need to… make an announcement or anything. That’s not what I want. I just want us to know - that we have something. And I don’t want to be ashamed or afraid of it.” And despite that last statement, she was suddenly terrified of what Kalinda would say next. “Do we have something?”
There was something sparkling in Kalinda’s eyes - something that made her look youthful and happy and hopeful and so, so different from the exhausted and frightened person of the past few weeks. Something had changed last night - something necessary and fundamental between them - and it made Alicia believe that no matter how difficult or impossible things seemed, this unlikely connection stood a fighting chance. “Maybe.” And it was impish.
“Maybe?” Alicia leaned in, keeping her lips teasingly out of reach as Kalinda pursued them - trying to get just a little more.
“Maybe more than maybe,” Kalinda confessed, sighing in triumph as Alicia conceded and allowed the kiss. Small steps, that made up bigger ones. “Guess there’s only one way to find out.”
And she was right. The only way of knowing, was by trying. And somewhere between Alicia’s divorce and Kalinda’s arms, Alicia had found that maybe was the most unexpected and thrilling opportunity of all.
How good it felt to take a chance on something, not because of some sense of it being the right thing or the moral thing or because she felt she had to… but just because she wanted it, and it made her happy.
And… just maybe… Kalinda was discovering too, that on the way to finding each other, there was something to be found of themselves, as well.
--
A/N: It sounds like it's over, BUT: I have a shorter epilogue upcoming. Plz to be staying tuned for that.
Say hi to me, why don'tcha. I don't bite. ;)
Author: sweetjamielee
Beta: threeguesses
Fandom: The Good Wife
Pairing: Kalinda/Alicia
Word Count: approx. 7,600/33,500
Spoilers: 2x14
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: M
Summary: The divorce came through, and it was time for Alicia to find herself.
Previous parts:
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
A/N: And it all comes to a climax. This part was the most difficult to write, and I hope it does justice to what came before it. Thank you, thank you, those who have been sticking with me. You make me feel great about writing for this fandom and this pairing. :-*
--
Alicia Cavanaugh Florrick was in love with Kalinda Sharma.
Alicia loved her boldness, her savvy… loved her intelligence and her mastery over nearly every situation and every person she came across. And because she loved all those things, nothing surprised Alicia more than finding that, when she thought of Kalinda being scared or hurt…
It made Alicia love her a hundred times more, for being so damn real.
She would have never believed that she could feel so much for somebody, and know so little about them. She was a little afraid that if she did learn more, she’d end up loving her so much that her heart would never be able to let go of Kalinda again.
After the initial shock of this revelation had passed, an eerie serenity settled over Alicia; much like the one when she had finally decided to divorce Peter.
It was possible she (and Owen) were wrong, about Kalinda’s feelings. That Kalinda’s primary interest in Alicia was, and had always been, diversion and sex, and that she was now shaking her head that yet another person had fallen for her and confused physical intimacy for the emotional sort. That she’d left because she really didn’t want the same things Alicia did. Because she really didn’t want Alicia.
But the more she thought through the events of the past few months, Alicia was more convinced than ever that she wasn’t wrong. Not that it mattered if, as Owen had sagely pointed out, Kalinda wasn’t ready or willing to deal with it.
Not to say Alicia was ready to deal with it.
Yet… sometimes before she slept, she could still smell Kalinda’s perfume on her sheets. It was a few days past the one when Alicia typically had them laundered, and she had made excuses not to do it - if she were honest with herself, she wasn’t ready to lose that scent that was both exotic and soothing at the same time.
She couldn’t imagine not breathing it in again.
She couldn’t imagine not touching Kalinda, not talking at work, or at dinner, or late into the night, eyes flirting over their wine glasses and exchanging unspoken promises that Alicia had never imagined wanting to make with anyone else again.
She didn’t want to imagine it.
But Alicia had her pride, too. It wasn’t her style to pursue someone who’d made a clear statement about not wanting to be with her - even if that statement was based on assumptions Alicia believed to be untrue. Assumptions like the one that Alicia couldn’t handle a relationship with someone like Kalinda, and would back out once she realized that she really needed a man, or a husband, or a white picket fence.
Assumptions like the one that Kalinda was incapable of believing in something enough to commit to it - trusting it enough to give it a chance.
Alicia had a feeling that she had more faith in Kalinda’s heart than did Kalinda herself.
Late Sunday night, she lay in bed with her hands behind her head, thinking about her choices. The fact was that the safest and (probably) best option would be to let this one go. It would sting for awhile, but then she could be on her own for awhile like she’d always intended, and maybe, someday, find someone else to be with - someone mature, and honest, and good in relationships. Someone who wanted the same things Alicia wanted.
Someone like that would be so easy.
Reaching out, Alicia plucked her cell off the nightstand and stared at it for a minute before opening a new text screen.
Do I take a chance on something I believe in, even if I might come out of it feeling like an idiot?
She hit ‘send’ and waited. She wasn’t even sure if her brother stayed up this late these days. But it was a mere thirty seconds before her phone vibrated in response.
Read that as ‘do I deserve to be happy?’ Am not dignifying with response.
Alicia smiled at the screen. She should have expected that.
She fell asleep holding her phone to her heart.
--
Alicia preferred not to do these sorts of things at work. Actually, she had never done them at work, and she preferred not to do them at all. But there were a few reasons why she chose to do it there anyway. The first being that it would be the next place she saw Kalinda again, and if she waited, she’d quite possibly lose her nerve. The second was that she needed a place Kalinda couldn’t easily escape from - because by now Alicia had realized that escape was Kalinda’s default instinct.
She still felt a little bad about cornering Kalinda like this; but even Alicia’s newfound empathy couldn’t quite temper her anger at another person pretending they knew what was best for her - pretending like they knew what she could handle.
So it was a strange amalgam of frustration and affection that propelled Alicia to Kalinda’s office before she even dropped her things off in her own. She entered with an uncharacteristic lack of manners, not bothering to knock or check to see if Kalinda were busy - just walking inside and flicking the door shut behind her with one smooth motion.
Kalinda dragged her eyes from her computer screen to Alicia as if it hurt her to do it. Alicia understood her weariness, and her likely resentment of being accosted on her home turf.
Alicia couldn’t let it matter right now. Not even when she realized that, in her surge of exasperation and boldness, she hadn’t completely thought through what words she wanted to say.
But Kalinda was staring at her, looking uncomfortable and anxious, yet not completely surprised - maybe having known it was only a matter of time before this happened because as smart as Kalinda was, it had been a long time since she'd mistaken Alicia for the passive type. And Alicia had a memory.
“Do you remember, you once told me I was always waiting for people to give me things,” Alicia said without preamble, and it wasn’t a question because she knew Kalinda always remembered everything.
Kalinda blinked, processing. “You were about to lose your job.”
“Yes. And my job was important to me, and I still didn’t want to do the things I had to in order to keep it. I’m an attorney, and I was afraid of being pushy. Of bothering people. Isn’t that silly?”
Kalinda may not have been on the top of her game at the moment, but she still made a last-ditch effort to change the subject after ascertaining where this was going. “Is there something you need, Alicia? With work?”
There were plenty of things Alicia needed right now, very few of them work-related, and she was done denying them. She leaned forward, the tips of her fingers on Kalinda’s desk. “You’re afraid. I am too. Fear’s not a good enough reason, to keep from doing the things you want. The things you should. There’s got to be something more than that.”
To Kalinda’s credit, she didn’t jump to disclaiming that fear, as Alicia thought she might; she didn’t even change the subject this time, or pretend to not know what Alicia was talking about, or tell her this wasn’t the time or place. But she still stood her ground, expression turning determined. “How about that it’s impossible? Is that a good enough reason?”
“It’s not impossible.” Alicia found that the more she thought it, the more she said it, the truer she believed it to be.
Kalinda shook her head, in exasperation or disbelief or both. “How? Why?”
There were several emotions playing over Kalinda’s face; Alicia recognized them now, whereas before she’d ignored them - when she’d needed or wanted to believe that Kalinda was stronger than her, somehow more than human, and unaffected by the internal struggles that cowed normal people. But it was that humanness that had touched Alicia; the real person behind the always-calm and competent exterior, who she’d fallen for. And as much as it terrified her to know that neither of them really had a plan or knew what they were doing, she also knew that the very best things nearly always came with risks.
So Alicia took one, in the moment she tilted her head, blinked, and said more calmly than she ever would have believed herself capable: “Because I love you.”
And then, having made her most compelling argument, she turned and walked toward the door.
“Alicia.”
Never in their history of knowing each other, had Alicia heard Kalinda sound so panicked. She paused with her hand on the doorknob; looked back to where Kalinda was strangling the edge of her desk.
“You can’t say things like that.” The desperation in Kalinda’s tone was now matched by her expression; Alicia would have felt worse about Kalinda’s distress if she had believed herself to be any less gobsmacked by this, than Kalinda herself. As it was, the only difference Alicia saw was that she was finally being more honest with herself.
So instead of questioning, or arguing, or even humoring, Alicia just gave Kalinda as kind a smile as she could manage. “Let me know if that changes anything.”
She left Kalinda then to contemplate her own demons, while Alicia contemplated just how chaotic she’d just made her life.
--
Now, Alicia knew, the right thing was to back off. Lobbing the ball into someone else’s court meant you could only wait for it to be returned - or not. She’d made a choice - taken a stand, and it was all she could do. She couldn’t make Kalinda love her, but she could feel secure in the knowledge that she hadn’t let fear hold her back this time, like she had so many times before. It was an aching victory -- to know that you had put the whole of yourself out for someone to take or leave, been true and honest and exposed, and still able to be rejected.
But she’d been strong. And that was something.
Alicia caught Kalinda looking at her sometimes in a bitter and resentful way, and in it she read: Damn you for making me feel this way. For making this weird. This is why I don’t get involved.
Sometimes Alicia felt unrepentant - after all, she’d never be in this position if Kalinda hadn’t set it in motion to begin with. Other times, there were those flashes of strain on Kalinda’s face, so strange for the woman who never gave anything away, and Alicia felt guilty for making things hard for her. The defenses Kalinda used might not be healthy, but they had worked for her - kept her together for God knew how many years, and maybe it was selfish of Alicia to try to tear them away from her.
It was done now.
Maybe a lot of things were done.
--
The days of silence that followed were agonizing. It was likely that what sustained Alicia through them were the calluses she’d built up during Peter’s scandal; no matter how awkward things were now, it could never compare to the humiliation she’d steeled herself against during that time of her life. Alicia practically had a Ph.D. in ignoring the chill.
But she herself wasn’t cold or unaffected, and she fought every day against running back to Kalinda’s office and telling her she didn’t mean it, she took it back - anything so they could just get back to being normal again, or at least professional, like she’d told Will they’d be.
One evening her brother called, demanding an update on the situation. Alicia retired to her room out of earshot of the kids and gave it to him without resistance.
“You’re such a big, brave girl,” he told her, and although the words could have been interpreted as condescending, Alicia heard genuine admiration in his tone.
“This is one of those times it made no difference,” she sighed, making her way to her closet to choose the next day’s outfit for work. She ran her hand across dozens of jackets and collared shirts, all neatly pressed - thank God for laundry services. “She officially doesn’t want this.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s been a week, Owen.” She pulled her yellow blazer out and hung it on the doorknob. “She hasn’t said anything. Anything. After I told her that.”
“Maybe she’s just getting up the nerve.”
Her black pumps and belt sailed onto the bed. “Maybe all my relationships with people at work are destined to end in awkwardness because of leftover feelings. Maybe I need to get out more and meet people who are not employees of Lockhart Gardner.”
“I’m not going to argue that last point. You need more friends than me. I love you sis, but I don’t know what you women do. With your… purses and your tea parties and your… your… eyelash curlers…”
“Yeah, I get it,” she sighed.
“You know you did the right thing though, right? If you hadn’t said something, you’d always be wondering if it would have made a difference.”
“I know that. It’s just hard not to regret it when it feels so wrong right now.”
“Well… I might have a little something to distract you, if you’re interested.”
She froze in her activities, instantly suspicious. “What are you talking about?”
“Just hear me out. He’s a tenured communications and media studies professor. Divorced for five years, one kid a little older than Zach.”
“Owen…”
“He eyes up that picture I have of you on my bookshelf - that one from our Aspen trip - every time he comes into my office.”
“First of all, that picture is almost ten years old, and second, why is he in your office that often? Maybe he likes you.”
“Don’t deflect. You’ve looked the same for the past twenty years. And he’s straight as an arrow. Way straighter than you. I’m going to give you his number.”
“No.”
“Are you completely off men now?”
“Owen, the solution to my problems is not more dating. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place.”
“No, what got you into this mess was going out with someone you work with, who isn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with you. I promise you, this would be just for fun. Get your mind off things. I know how you get, when get in your head about this stuff. And if nothing else, maybe you could just make a new friend.”
Alicia sunk down to her bed. She’d been so preoccupied by things with Kalinda, not to mention with keeping involved with the kids and the constant stressors of her job, that the thought of making a concerted effort to move on hadn’t even occurred to her.
“I’m going to text you his name and number once we’re done here. You don’t have to do anything right away, just… think about it?” her brother wheedled.
“Fine. I’ll think about it.” From somewhere in apartment she heard Grace shrieking at her brother. “I’ve gotta go. My children are turning feral.”
“Hmm. I blame the schools.”
“I blame distracted, absentee parents,” she muttered under her breath. They said their goodbyes. Before she was even out the door, she heard the telltale vibration of her phone receiving a text.
Even though she knew it was the name and number of a stranger, she still checked to make sure it didn’t come from the person always hoped it was.
--
Even as Alicia was accepting that Kalinda’s silence meant that her bold confession actually didn’t change anything, and trying to put this whole crazy thing into perspective as some kind of learning experience or post-divorce growing pain, Alicia found herself struggling with just how much it hurt - trying to come to terms with another ending.
One snowy Friday, she’d considered who she could get to distract her from another weekend alone -- had thought of asking Peter for another trade-off with the kids, or enlisting Owen to come help her with some other project or maybe even just to do something fun. But in the end she realized she had to get used to this sometime - being alone with only her thoughts to accompany her.
So when the evening came and work was done, she resolutely poured herself a glass of wine and tried to focus on the book she was reading, on tv, on making dinner - anything but thinking of the woman who didn’t want her.
She wasn’t successful.
When news of Peter’s scandal had come out, he and Alicia had already been disconnected for quite some time - Peter had been absorbed by all the politicking and the activities and forced socializing that went with it, and Alicia was wrapped up in the kids and resentful of the things she had given up just to have a husband who was barely ever around. She was incredibly disappointed, hurt, and humiliated by that betrayal - not just of her, but of their family, their privacy, their life together - but the truth of the matter was that at that point, she didn’t feel like she was losing her one great love anymore, because that love had already faded in the course of leading largely separate lives.
And Will - after their repressed feelings had come to light, and it had been made clear over and over again that their timing was just never going to be right - that had stung, too. She mourned for the innocent hopefulness of their relationship at Georgetown, and for the lost possibilities of what they could have been.
Alicia was no stranger to heartbreak, and she should have been better prepared to deal with it. But… she didn’t feel anything but lost. Her relationship with Kalinda had been nothing like anything she’d ever experienced - even when Alicia felt completely out of her element, she still had never felt as stimulated with another person as she did with this woman. It was like connecting with and figuring out the mysterious and precocious Kalinda enervated Alicia, opening her up to new ways of understanding not just her colleague, but herself and her life and the whole damn world.
But it didn’t matter now. Because while Alicia had been opening up to these new experiences, Kalinda had firmly shut off and shut down. And that was the end of that.
Alicia was so damn sick of grieving these losses.
Swirling her wine in her glass, she glanced at the notepad sitting on the end table. On it was written the name and number of a man that Owen had promised her would be fun, and intelligent, and would have a lot in common with her.
She had no inclination toward more dating right now. But she was very much interested in not feeling this way anymore.
Her fingers crept toward her cell. She was already imagining how this conversation would go. “Hi, I’m Alicia, that cute girl in the ski jacket from the picture on Owen Cavanaugh’s desk? I just was involved in a massive political scandal, got divorced, and am still pretty hung up on the person with whom I just had a lesbian interoffice affair, but other than that I’m pretty fun! Care to have a drink?”
But in the end, the thing that made her pull her hand back wasn’t how ridiculous it sounded.
It was looking out the window and remembering how Kalinda’s lips had tasted in the snow.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she’d move on.
For one more night, Alicia would just let herself miss her.
--
It took her a long while to fall asleep, but once she did she slept hard and dreamless.
That sleep was so deep that when she was first startled out of it, she had no idea of what had woken her. She sat up, feeling as if lead weights were attached to her upper body. Blinked a few times. Rubbed her eyes.
Nothing.
She lay back down.
But then the knock came again, and she remembered. This is what had pulled her from her slumber.
A glance at her alarm clock told her it was one forty in the morning, and she was instantly more awake and aware and wary; this wasn’t the time for visitors, and she was all alone here - vulnerable. But she was fairly certain most home invasions didn’t start with a knock barely loud enough to hear.
Alicia rose out of bed, moving carefully; the room was lit with that strange white glow it got when the city was covered with snow, its light reflected through the window across sheets of pure, bright white. She padded down the hallway and through the living room in bare feet, still feeling somehow surreal - maybe she was still sleeping, and not so dreamlessly. It felt even more the case once she looked through the peephole and recognized her late-night visitor.
The sound of the locks disengaging felt deafening against the silence of the night. She pulled the door open and stood quietly, regarding Kalinda with tired and perplexed eyes. Kalinda’s eyes, on the other hand, looked like those of a wild animal that had been trapped and struggling for a quite some time - both exhausted and desperate. Her hair and clothes were damp, as if she’d been out in the snow for a long while before making the decision to come in where it was warm.
“You have more to lose than I do,” she told Alicia, not bothering with niceties.
Though she’d been shocked out of sleep, Alicia felt very, very clear. She thought of her children, her parents, her brother… even of Will, who, despite all the complications, had always been a good friend to her. “I’ll never lose the things that matter,” she replied quietly.
Kalinda looked as miserable as Alicia had ever seen her; glancing around like she wanted to escape, but not having the will to do so. “Fuck. Alicia. I’ve been so tired. I’ve wanted…” She trailed off, as if not knowing or not having the energy to finish what she wanted to say.
“Shh. I know.” They did have to talk about this; Alicia knew that, and she wanted to. But right now Kalinda looked as exhausted as she felt, and the thought of confronting everything that was between them tonight felt like an insurmountable task. “Come in.” Taking Kalinda by the hand, she led her inside.
Once the door was shut and the locks were turned again, she turned her attention to the woman in front of her. Kalinda was looking downward, as if ashamed to meet her eyes. Reaching out, Alicia cupped her cold cheeks in her hands, forcing Kalinda’s gaze higher.
“I shouldn’t have bothered you tonight,” Kalinda breathed, still obviously fighting the urge that brought her here.
Alicia let her hands drop down to Kalinda’s slumped shoulders, then she enfolded her slowly into her arms.
Kalinda seemed to melt into her, wrapping her arms around Alicia’s waist and burying her face into her shoulder. They stood for a moment like this, holding one another. Alicia pressed her cheek into Kalinda’s hair, savoring the silky soft brush and the ambered scent of it.
“Come on,” Alicia whispered, releasing Kalinda despite her reluctance, taking the other woman’s hand and pulling her gently toward the bedroom.
The small lamp on the bedside stand that Alicia turned on provided the only light in the room; the dim illumination cast dark shadows on Kalinda’s cheeks from her lowered eyelashes, as she sank onto the edge of the bed.
Alicia undressed Kalinda then to her underwear; slowly, methodically; not quite like a small child, but with hands that lingered tenderly and comfortingly on the skin she exposed. Kalinda allowed it, watching Alicia with a tired and vaguely confused look, as if she couldn’t quite understand why Alicia was being so nice to her. She even raised her arms obediently when Alicia took an oversized t-shirt from the dresser and pulled it down over her head; she looked tiny inside all the material, and it made Alicia’s chest tighten in the way it always did, when Kalinda seemed so uncharacteristically vulnerable.
Climbing on her knees onto the bed behind Kalinda, Alicia stroked her hair and hesitated for just a moment before pulling out the pins and band that held it in place. She combed her fingers through it once it fell thick and loose to Kalinda’s shoulders.
“Alicia…” Kalinda started, hesitantly, perhaps feeling the delayed need to tell Alicia to stop, she could do this all herself.
“In the morning,” Alicia replied firmly. She placed a hand on Kalinda’s shoulder, urging her back on the sheets to climb under the covers. Once Kalinda was securely nestled inside, Alicia leaned over to the nightstand and switched off the lamp.
In the dark, there was only the sound of her breathing to remind Alicia that Kalinda was here with her. For a guilty few seconds, she wondered if she should go sleep on the couch; Kalinda was obviously feeling uncertain, and exposed, and Alicia didn’t want to take advantage of her or the situation. This had been such a difficult past few days.
But Alicia loved her. And truth be told, she was feeling as needy as Kalinda looked when she arrived on her doorstep tonight.
Putting all guilt aside for the time being, she slid under the covers behind Kalinda. Alicia might have resisted the urge to touch her, if Kalinda hadn’t immediately eased backward against her body. And then, there was too much sweet, soft, and warm to do anything but wrap her arm around Kalinda, tucking a forearm under her breasts and tangling their legs together.
They sighed in unison - relieved.
Then they slept.
--
It would eventually matter why Kalinda was here. The things they talked about would matter, and the decisions they made.
But some important and intrinsic part of Alicia didn’t give a damn at the moment. And that part of her allowed her the most comforting, restful, blissful sleep, as long as this woman was in her arms.
It was only a few hours until she woke again, but when she did she felt incredibly rested and content and just a little surprised to find Kalinda still next to her - it hadn’t been a dream.
Even though the other woman wasn’t moving, Alicia somehow sensed her wakefulness - perhaps from the cadence of her breath - and she curled her hand around Kalinda’s hip, rubbing softly in a soothing gesture. At the movement, Kalinda turned and faced her on the bed.
Kalinda’s fingertips reached up to touch Alicia’s cheek - whisper-soft and tentative. Alicia turned her face into the caress, nuzzling into Kalinda’s palm and forgetting to be ashamed of how much she craved this - not just the feel of Kalinda’s skin against her own, but her tenderness. Alicia could feel her struggling - wanting to say things, but feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the words.
“It’s okay,” Alicia told her, wanting to give her the permission to be silent right now, if that’s what she needed.
“It’s not. I’ve been careless with you,” Kalinda whispered into the dark. “You deserve more.”
“Then give me more.”
“What if I’m bad at it?”
“I’ll love you anyway.”
Alicia took Kalinda’s gasp from her with a kiss - soft and sweet and unhurried - promising that the words were true. They traded that promise back and forth for long moments, embers warming slowly. Alicia touched Kalinda’s face, meaning to brush her hair back so they could kiss more freely - and then she felt it.
There was a single trail of moisture that streaked down Kalinda’s fine cheekbone. It dampened Alicia’s fingers and she stilled for a second, shocked.
She wasn’t alone in this. She never had been.
It set something off inside of her - something deep and protective and almost feral - and then she was tugging the other woman on top of her and clasping her close, closer… so close Alicia could feel the pounding of Kalinda’s heart against her own, and she felt lost in the curtain of thick, dark hair that fell around their faces and trapped her in a world of Kalinda’s touch and taste and scent.
It was another chance Alicia was taking - that tonight wouldn’t be the one Kalinda decided once and for all that it wasn’t worth it, to be so exposed and open, to let Alicia see something real and raw inside of her. That it wouldn’t be the last they’d spend together.
But months ago, Kalinda had taken a chance on Alicia-asking her out when the likely response would have been no, being patient with her anxieties when it would have been easier to move onto someone uncomplicated, someone more experienced; someone who would give Kalinda what she thought she wanted and not ask for or need more.
They owed each other one more risk.
Kalinda’s hands were restless on her, and Alicia found that she empathized… she was suddenly voracious for the feel of silky flesh, for the distinct flavors of Kalinda’s throat and her thighs and the tips of her breasts - she wanted it fast and wanted it slow and wanted it all, and she never wanted it to stop.
Fighting her way into a sitting position and forcing Kalinda up with her, Alicia sighed as she was finally able to slip her fingers under Kalinda’s t-shirt unencumbered and feel the softness of her belly, the sweet flare of her hips.
This was the skin she’d been wanting to feel - the breath she wanted to hear quicken - the hands she wanted pulling at her clothes and the mouth she wanted pressed against her body. The pieces fell together again as they touched one another, clothes giving way to persistent fingers.
“I’ve missed you,” Alicia told Kalinda on a breathy sigh as her tongue traced a slow path from the valley between Kalinda’s breasts, to the hollow of her throat.
“Show me,” Kalinda told her, and it sounded a plea rather than a challenge.
Alicia would show her. She’d show her everything.
Groaning, Alicia hauled her leg over Kalinda’s and they pulled together, weaving their limbs and clasping one another close as possible - sex to sex, breast to breast, sharing each other’s breath. For a moment they didn’t move, luxuriating in the press of their bodies, the connectedness. And then Kalinda’s hips rolled once - a request for more. And Alicia couldn’t deny her.
Had anything ever felt as lovely as this? The rich taste of this woman’s lips, the sweet, slippery slide of them together, the satin touch of their smooth skin, the friction unbearably tantalizing as they moved instinctively in the ways that gave the most pleasure. Kalinda was making the sexiest little sounds against Alicia’s mouth, making her hot all over, eventually making Alicia pick up the speed of their slow undulations against one another to fan the flames.
Kalinda’s movements grew frantic, her mouth opening hotly against Alicia’s while her nails scraped at her ass, and Alicia remembered each of the telltale signs of her impending climax - the knowledge making that inevitable moment that much more thrilling. She held her closer.
“Baby. Don’t let go,” Kalinda hissed, as if Alicia could ever be persuaded to do so.
“I won’t,” Alicia promised, voice choked with desire as she anchored Kalinda tightly to her, riding hard against her once, twice, three times more until the other woman tensed in her arms, teeth sinking gently into Alicia’s shoulder to muffle her shuddering sigh.
Alicia had been so focused on Kalinda, on the experience of her, that the sudden burst of her own orgasm came a surprise to her - shocking in its white-hot intensity, and in the emotion it wrenched from her pounding heart. God, how she’d needed this… how she’d needed this woman next to her, beside her, against her, sharing this with her, and for the first time feeling she might have a safe place to fall.
They rocked together slowly for a few more moments, holding one another’s damp bodies against the chill of the cool room, until Kalinda’s small shiver encouraged Alicia to untangle their legs and move, pulling the covers back over them. Kalinda resisted their separation for the briefest second before giving in, allowing herself to be tucked back into the cocoon of warmth.
It was getting lighter now; Alicia could see Kalinda’s face clearly as they lay facing one another. Kalinda fingers flexed open above the blanket covering them, and Alicia traced small circles on the palm with her fingertip, finding exquisite the contrast of light on dark.
Kalinda’s eyelids were heavy with satisfaction, but she was ever watchful. So much expressed, with so much still unsaid.
Even in the midst of the lovely feelings, Alicia felt guilt. Kalinda had come here tonight, reaching out to her - for her. Maybe sex wasn’t the right response - even if right now, it felt like this was the least selfish sex they had ever had.
“Don’t regret it,” Kalinda said softly, as if reading her mind, and Alicia shook her head slightly in amazement. Kalinda was such an exercise in contradictions; so perceptive about some things, and so blind to others.
Alicia’s fingers stilled against Kalinda’s hand. “You either,” she whispered, and the faintest trace of a smile crossed Kalinda’s face.
Kalinda’s hand closed; clasped Alicia’s inside of it.
They drifted off again.
--
It was the first morning Kalinda ever slept longer than Alicia did. When Alicia woke, she blinked hard at the sight of Kalinda curled up in her bed in the bright light of day. She looked small and peaceful and lovely against the pale yellow sheets, and Alicia almost dreaded than the moment when she’d wake up - the caution slipping back into her eyes, stiffness to her limbs, maybe telling Alicia that this was a nice goodbye, but goodbye was certainly what it was.
Because she couldn’t bear to wake her and face it, or to lie there silently and worry, Alicia slipped quietly from the bed, pulling her robe off the hook in the inside of her closet and pulling it over her shoulders. She maneuvered into the kitchen, where she took on the mechanical and soothing task of making coffee. She stood at the counter and watched the hypnotic drip, drip, drip into the carafe.
Alicia hadn’t thought it was possible to be more conflicted about this situation than she’d been in the past week. What woman didn’t dream of the person she loved and had been longing for, coming to her in the dead of night - falling into her arms, holding her close, making love to her until there was no energy or will left to remember the doubt or the fear or the hurt feelings?
Owen had warned her that as long as Kalinda were confused, she’d continue to play games. Alicia wasn’t sure if she could handle it, if last night were a game.
It had felt so real.
By the time Alicia pulled out of her reverie, the coffeepot had been done running for several minutes. Alicia shook her head, clearing the cobwebs, and poured two mugs. Maybe she should have just skipped the formalities and broken into the liquor cabinet.
Taking hold of the mugs and finding almost masochistic enjoyment in the too-hot sting of the glass on her skin, she carried them back to the bedroom. There she found Kalinda sitting up in bed, blinking sleepily - huge eyes looking so different when not completely alert and rimmed with dark liner.
“Hi,” Alicia told her quietly. She circled to Kalinda’s side of the bed and handed her one of the mugs. Kalinda took it with two hands, and their fingers overlapped. Their gazes met, and for a moment Alicia was nearly embarrassed - the intimacies they’d shared last night, how much she herself she had revealed to this woman, all culminating in the inadequate niceties of coffee - before Kalinda said a soft ‘thank you” and Alicia released the cup.
Alicia moved back around to her side of the bed; gingerly slipped back under the covers.
Her companion took a sip from her mug, and then stared down into it, as if contemplating whether it was what she really wanted. It was more than a little gratifying when Kalinda placed the mug on the stand beside her and turned back to Alicia, leaning in and pressing a soft and chaste kiss to her lips instead… bringing last night into this morning.
Giving up the pretense, Alicia set her coffee on the nightstand beside her as well, then laid on her stomach on the bed. She rested her head in the cradle of her crossed arms and they just shared the space for a few silent moments, Kalinda’s fingertips tracing absent-minded circles on Alicia’s back.
“When we first met I thought you were either weak, or a fool,” Kalinda spoke first.
Alicia startled a bit. Kalinda rarely spoke first, and it seemed a strange choice in topics. Still, that reveal didn’t particularly surprise her.
“I know,” she replied, turning her head on the pillow to better-regard the woman next to her. “Because I didn’t put a knife through Peter’s heart.” Strange, the things that stick with you, but Alicia could remember nearly every detail of that first drink with Kalinda - maybe because she’d been sizing her up in kind. Now, the memory of Kalinda’s words caused a small smile to touch her lips.
“After the night of the party, I wanted to just go back to the way things were before. But something felt missing. And I kept thinking to myself… who’s the fool now? Who’s the weak one?”
Alicia couldn’t help wondering about the things that had happened to Kalinda, to make her think that any decision guided by the heart was a foolish one. “What about now?”
“Now I think you’re the strongest person I know.” There wasn’t an ounce of insincere flattery in Kalinda’s tone; it was stated as fact. “Me? I’m not so sure.”
Shaking her head, Alicia stared at the ceiling. “It’s not exactly high praise, if you think it’s foolish to be with me.”
Kalinda sighed, obviously frustrated at being misunderstood. “It would be foolish to not want to be with you. But the reality of the situation…” She paused. “I thought you’d turn me down, you know. When I asked you out.”
Alicia looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. “No you didn’t. If you really did, you would have never asked.”
“I just knew it was the only chance. You’re the kind of person people want, Alicia. After you were divorced, it was just a matter of time - if it wasn’t going to be Will, it would be someone. And I figured when I asked and you turned me down, then at least I could stop thinking about it.”
Alicia had now gone from feeling vaguely insulted, to being as endeared by Kalinda as she’d ever been - she would have never guessed that when it came to things like dating, that Kalinda was anything other than confident, assertive, and unapologetic. The fact that she had gotten her chance, then squandered it, spoke to something that made Alicia hurt for her - and also made her proud that both of them had ultimately made decisions that still led them here, in this bed, this morning.
“Also figured you wouldn’t last past that first coffee,” Kalinda added.
“Aren’t I just full of surprises?” Alicia teased gently, but she knew all this was less likely about her capacity to surprise, and more about the things that Kalinda had wanted to believe. And as much as Kalinda obviously felt drawn to Alicia, and to this, there was a part of her that had hoped Alicia would make things easier by backing out. A part of her that still did wish it, and perhaps always would.
It made Alicia’s chest constrict a bit, to think of it.
Kalinda was studying her, and as if confirming Alicia’s thoughts, came out suddenly with: “I don’t know what to do with kids.”
“If you’re talking about mine then we match well, because neither do I,” Alicia groused, thinking for a moment of pornography and churches and her sincere desire to ban her children from the internet until they were thirty years old. She hadn’t given full consideration yet to what would happen, should Kalinda be introduced to the kids’ lives in any kind of real way - and certainly, it was a concern, because Zach and Grace would always be the most important parts of Alicia’s world. What would she do, if Kalinda refused to be a part of theirs?
But Kalinda didn’t appear to be refusing. Just… warning of the difficulty. So Alicia added, “It’s something we could talk about.”
Kalinda didn’t respond for a moment - still regarding Alicia with that intense look on her face. Then: “The man I was married to isn’t a good person. There are things I did to get away… I might never want to talk about them.” She said it with an edge of defensiveness, as if she expected Alicia to argue.
It was true, Alicia’s pain and empathy for whatever Kalinda had experienced was tinged with curiosity for the mystery of it, and fear for what it meant in the future - she wanted to know the things that were important to Kalinda, that made her become the woman she was today. But the past was less important than the future, and Alicia knew that Kalinda’s guardedness would never change overnight. “I understand. We can talk about it if you ever want to. Or not, if you don’t.”
Kalinda rolled to her back, staring at the ceiling with her fingers laced under her breasts, looking troubled.
“Am I saying the wrong things here?” Alicia asked her, perplexed.
“You’re making all these concessions for me. I’m just… not comfortable with it.”
Alicia exhaled, reaching out and touching the other woman’s cheek, making Kalinda to look at her again. “Let’s get something straight here. Being with you - the way you are - isn’t a concession, Kalinda. Just as I hope it wouldn’t be a concession to be with me. Yes, there are some things that are different than what I’m used to, but… I can deal with it. As long as you’re there, dealing along with me. I just don’t want to do it alone anymore. I don’t want to have to worry that you’re going to… check out, every time something feels strange or different or hard.”
It was hard to tell from her expression if Kalinda were buying it, or still seeing this all as some unlikely script from a clichéd romance movie.
“And I’ll have you know,” Alicia tried additionally, “as my brother will tell you, I can be a pretty big pain in the ass too.”
“Mmm, no kidding,” Kalinda mused, and Alicia pulled the pillow out from under her head for a smack. Kalinda dodged it easily, clasping it between her hands and easing in for an almost-apologetic kiss. Alicia found herself smiling into her lips, and feeling the slightest bit lighter after their tense moments - and even that bit felt like an enormous relief.
When they separated, Kalinda was looking at her with affection, and Alicia knew the same was being reflected in her own eyes.
“So are you gay now?” The way Kalinda’s mouth tipped up confirmed that she was teasing. “Because you know people are going to ask.”
That amused her. “Gay enough.” She nuzzled Kalinda’s breasts playfully with her face, to her delight getting a laugh from the other woman - and then it occurred to Alicia just what was implied behind the humor. Even though part of her wanted to stay more guarded, because for sure things were still uncertain and who ever knew what Kalinda was really thinking - her heart leapt a bit.
“We don’t need to… make an announcement or anything. That’s not what I want. I just want us to know - that we have something. And I don’t want to be ashamed or afraid of it.” And despite that last statement, she was suddenly terrified of what Kalinda would say next. “Do we have something?”
There was something sparkling in Kalinda’s eyes - something that made her look youthful and happy and hopeful and so, so different from the exhausted and frightened person of the past few weeks. Something had changed last night - something necessary and fundamental between them - and it made Alicia believe that no matter how difficult or impossible things seemed, this unlikely connection stood a fighting chance. “Maybe.” And it was impish.
“Maybe?” Alicia leaned in, keeping her lips teasingly out of reach as Kalinda pursued them - trying to get just a little more.
“Maybe more than maybe,” Kalinda confessed, sighing in triumph as Alicia conceded and allowed the kiss. Small steps, that made up bigger ones. “Guess there’s only one way to find out.”
And she was right. The only way of knowing, was by trying. And somewhere between Alicia’s divorce and Kalinda’s arms, Alicia had found that maybe was the most unexpected and thrilling opportunity of all.
How good it felt to take a chance on something, not because of some sense of it being the right thing or the moral thing or because she felt she had to… but just because she wanted it, and it made her happy.
And… just maybe… Kalinda was discovering too, that on the way to finding each other, there was something to be found of themselves, as well.
--
A/N: It sounds like it's over, BUT: I have a shorter epilogue upcoming. Plz to be staying tuned for that.
Say hi to me, why don'tcha. I don't bite. ;)