The Return of Tinker (or Reviving the Girl Killing the Myth)
12 weeks ago I wrote a journal entry titled: Rebuilding Tinkerstien... It was an entry of discovery, a work in progress, filled with jumbled thoughts and colorful wording. It is much like this entry. Yet so much has changed in those 12 weeks. In those 84 days I started to feel at ease with myself. Or did I? In some parts of my life I have grown stronger and sure of who I am. What about the other parts? The parts of me that haven't grown.
This is me----->
I have lost and found myself several times in the last year. At the moment I find myself searching for bits of my past. Bits of nothing really important, movies, music, books, ect. Searching through the remains of a girl who seems to be a bigger mystery to me than to those who knew her. Know her? Am I that same girl or have I changed? Is it possible to change and remain the same? Ahh yes many read this and say, "You think to much." To those people I say, "Yes I do."
When was the last time I watched Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn when I was heartbroken over something? It has been months and I can tell you I washed dishes and cleaned house while others slept. Was that the last time I was heartbroken? No. When was the last time I forced(some times they are willing) someone to sit with me and watch cartoons? It was my birthday morning. Which in its self wasn't the grand of birthdays. When was the last time I went to a bar stood at the jukebox picking the perfect songs? I seriously can't remember. When was the last time I spent quality time with anyone? The kids? Mark? my best friends? I spend time with these people, but i feel my head never turns off. I worry myself sick. My social retardedness is always there. Am i speaking correctly? Do I sound a fool? Am i interesting at all? Things are going on around me and I am missing them. I am once again falling into my social funk. "Jane stop this crazy thing!"
Today I found a note as I mentioned in my entry earlier today. Past Me from Nov. of 2009 was pretty sure that Present Me of 2010 would be a better person. I can't let her down, can I? I think it is clear we both want Future Me of 2011 to be happy.
I love when I feel awesome after an entry.
This is me----->
I have lost and found myself several times in the last year. At the moment I find myself searching for bits of my past. Bits of nothing really important, movies, music, books, ect. Searching through the remains of a girl who seems to be a bigger mystery to me than to those who knew her. Know her? Am I that same girl or have I changed? Is it possible to change and remain the same? Ahh yes many read this and say, "You think to much." To those people I say, "Yes I do."
When was the last time I watched Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn when I was heartbroken over something? It has been months and I can tell you I washed dishes and cleaned house while others slept. Was that the last time I was heartbroken? No. When was the last time I forced(some times they are willing) someone to sit with me and watch cartoons? It was my birthday morning. Which in its self wasn't the grand of birthdays. When was the last time I went to a bar stood at the jukebox picking the perfect songs? I seriously can't remember. When was the last time I spent quality time with anyone? The kids? Mark? my best friends? I spend time with these people, but i feel my head never turns off. I worry myself sick. My social retardedness is always there. Am i speaking correctly? Do I sound a fool? Am i interesting at all? Things are going on around me and I am missing them. I am once again falling into my social funk. "Jane stop this crazy thing!"
Today I found a note as I mentioned in my entry earlier today. Past Me from Nov. of 2009 was pretty sure that Present Me of 2010 would be a better person. I can't let her down, can I? I think it is clear we both want Future Me of 2011 to be happy.
I love when I feel awesome after an entry.