Shadows (Oneshot)
Title: Shadows
Genre: Psychological/Thriller
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): Self harm/injury, Character death
Pairing: Kaisoo
Length: 2935 words
Summary: Kyungsoo hears voices in the shadows, yet no one else seems to hear them. Especially not Jongin.
Shadows
Kyungsoo hears voices in the shadows, yet no one else seems to hear them. They like to flit around in the corners, barely whispers, but loud enough for anyone to hear.
The thing is, Kyungsoo can never understand what they’re talking about. He knows they’re talking to him, because every once in a while, he will hear his name being whispered over and over again, but he can never figure out what exactly the shadows are saying.
It’s the same for the rest of the world, too. Kyungsoo drifts in and out of reality, never able to truly understand what others tell him. The world just doesn’t make sense to him-humans are such a mystery. Kyungsoo would much rather sit in his chair at home and listen to the shadows than attempt to understand what people say to him.
It’s a wonder they let him live alone, actually. The words that come out the most out of people when they are near Kyungsoo usually have to do with something related to the fact that he should be taken to a hospital or asylum. Kyungsoo just laughs in their faces and tunes them out. They don’t understand. He hasn’t done any harm. Can’t people just leave him alone to listen to the shadows? It’s not like they make any more sense than the shadows do.
And so Kyungsoo spends most of his day sitting there alone, listening to the shadows, and wondering when he will finally understand them.
:: :: ::
The knife was a present for Kyungsoo many, many years ago, and Kyungsoo can’t exactly remember what occasion it was for, and who gave him the knife. He used it about once or twice after receiving it, then put it away in a little box and stored it somewhere in his closet, not having much use for it.
Now he rummages through his closet and finds it sitting in a corner, covered with dust and smelling like an antique wooden box left in an attic for decades and decades. Kyungsoo opens it and there it is-the little sharp knife that still hasn’t dulled after all the years. He lifts it out of the box reverently, and runs his finger gently over the hilt, wiping away the dust that has accumulated over years of neglect.
The knife has a little black cat engraved on its hilt-it’s something that would be on some mystical dagger in a story, but Kyungsoo doesn’t really believe in fantasy tales and such. But he likes the knife-the black cat is gracefully curled around the hilt and, to him, has an understanding expression, which comforts him in that at least something in the world can relate to him.
Kyungsoo slices the blade of the knife over his thumb and watches in fascination as a bright red line appears on his skin-to him, blood is so beautiful, because its color is so vivid and intense. People get scared when he talks about blood, which Kyungsoo finds rather amusing. Blood is a part of everyone, and to him, it’s an enthralling work of art, because it exists everywhere and is so captivating.
Kyungsoo wipes at the blood on his thumb and finds a small sheath in the box to store the knife in. He clips the sheath to his belt and places the knife in it.
:: :: ::
The only person Kyungsoo ever feels any liking towards is Jongin, and even then, he’s not entirely sure why. Jongin has a smile that could cause any person to mistake him for some sort of heavenly deity, and he is always kind and caring. Yet despite this, Jongin doesn’t understand Kyungsoo. It’s a wonder the boy even visits Kyungsoo sometimes, because Jongin looks away awkwardly and uncomfortably whenever Kyungsoo begins talking about the voices and shadows.
For Kyungsoo, however, he doesn’t just like Jongin; he is obsessed with him. Jongin’s lips are so full and his eyes are so innocent, and sometimes, Kyungsoo wonders out of curiosity what it would be like to kiss Jongin, because Jongin looks so alive and full of life. That liveliness is something Kyungsoo is sure he will never achieve, so it feels nice to watch Jongin talk and move around, because Jongin shines with an inner light, and Kyungsoo is absolutely entranced by that light.
Jongin should understand the voices in the shadows. After all, he came from the shadows for Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo had been sitting in his chair when Jongin appeared out of nowhere from the shadows and smiled at Kyungsoo. “Are you lonely?” he had asked, sitting next to Kyungsoo and tilting his head slightly to the side in a curious manner. “You are lonely, aren’t you? I’ll come visit you often, if you want. You need a friend.”
At that time, Kyungsoo did not question where Jongin had come from. He was too relieved to have a companion who would understood him.
Yet Jongin still does not understand him, no matter how many times he visits Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo knows that because Jongin always changes the subject quickly whenever Kyungsoo begins talking of the shadows. Although Jongin does visit often, Kyungsoo gets the feeling that Jongin is merely visiting because he feels pity for him; that Jongin has no other choice but to talk to Kyungsoo.
Somehow, it makes Kyungsoo feel even lonelier than before, even though Jongin is the only person who will actually stay with him.
:: :: ::
Sometimes, Kyungsoo doesn’t feel like living. When he feels that way, he takes out the knife and stares at the blade, wondering what it will be like to cut off his life with the metal and if it will be extremely painful.
But of course, he never does it, and merely puts the knife back in its sheath, taking comfort in the little black cat on the hilt. It’s not his time to go yet. He hasn’t figured out what the shadows say, and Kyungsoo refuses to die without learning what the shadows whisper about.
On this rainy day, Kyungsoo is surveying the knife again, gazing at his reflection on the shiny metal, staring at his face and wondering who he really is. The door opens with a bang and Kyungsoo hastily slips the knife back into its sheath and looks up to see Jongin walk in, a determined expression on the boy’s face.
“That’s enough,” Jongin snaps, without even bothering to greet Kyungsoo the way he usually does. “Kyungsoo-ah, you can’t keep on living like this. I don’t know what you do when I’m not around. You can’t live alone. It’s too dangerous. You need help. Professional help.”
“What are you going to do?” Kyungsoo responds languidly, not bothering to be curious. Jongin won’t take him away. He is sure of it.
It is then that Kyungsoo notices the small slip of paper in Jongin’s hands, and the way Jongin’s hands shake when he reaches for the telephone. “You wouldn’t.”
“I can, and I will,” Jongin retorts defiantly. “I’m calling an asylum and I’m having them take you under their care. It’s for your own good, Kyungsoo-ah. It’s too dangerous for you to be alone. You’ll get help, and who knows, maybe one day you’ll be well enough to be by yourself again. I care for you. That’s why I’m doing this.”
“That’s what they all say,” Kyungsoo growls, walking over to the boy and knocking his hand aside as Jongin grabs for the telephone. “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here. I don’t need help. I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”
“Listen, Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouts, struggling against Kyungsoo’s grip for the telephone. “Listen to me! I’m doing this for you-”
Kyungsoo wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck, and as Jongin stiffens in alarm, Kyungsoo leans his entire weight on the boy and buries his face in Jongin’s shoulder. The boy is warm and full of life, and Kyungsoo wants to stay here, wrapped around Jongin forever.
“What are you doing?” Jongin’s voice is shocked and nervous, but Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. Instead, he draws the knife with the black cat on the hilt out from its sheath on his belt and holds it up to his neck. The shadows don’t matter as much anymore. Kyungsoo is fine with dying if people try to take him away. All he wants to do now is to die with Jongin in his arms.
“Kyungsoo-ah?”
Hidden from sight, Kyungsoo brings his knife up and makes a swipe at his neck. The cut doesn’t feel very deep or very painful, but Kyungsoo loses his grip on the knife and it falls to the floor, clattering as it lands by his foot.
The first few drops of blood drip down on Jongin’s shirt and soak into the material. In his arms, Kyungsoo feels Jongin stiffen even further and a few moments later, a hand reaches up and touches the side of Kyungsoo’s neck gently before drawing away. Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s muffled gasp, and merely smiles, giddy with perverse joy, already dizzy from the loss of blood.
“What did you do?” Jongin asks, his tone strained and terrified. “Why is your neck bleeding?”
“I…” Kyungsoo murmurs, half-conscious, clutching Jongin even tighter with the remainder of his strength, “I just want to die with you here.”
He closes his eyes.
:: :: ::
When Kyungsoo opens his eyes again, the side of his neck aches, and he is lying in a bed in a strange room, under white sheets. The entire place smells repulsively of sickness, and Kyungsoo closes his eyes, dazed and confused about where he is. A few moments later, he hears someone walk by his bed, and he opens his eyes again to see a man in a white coat-obviously a doctor-stand by him, holding a clipboard.
“Kyungsoo-sshi,” the doctor says pleasantly, “you’re awake. That’s good. Your neck cut wasn’t too deep, and you didn’t lose enough blood for the injury to be extremely dangerous, so you’re alive.”
“Alive?” Kyungsoo stares blankly at the doctor and touches his neck, where he finds a bandage over the cut from the knife. “Alive?” he repeats, although this time, it’s more to himself than the doctor.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?” the doctor asks abruptly, peering at him suspiciously. “It looks like it.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, just merely looks about, realizing something. “Did Jongin bring me here?”
“Pardon?” The doctor stares back at Kyungsoo, his expression bewildered. “Jongin? I didn’t see anyone named Jongin bring you in. Your neighbors heard a commotion and found you bleeding on your floor, alone.”
“He was there,” Kyungsoo says stubbornly, sitting up and glowering at the doctor. “Kim Jongin! He’s got darkish skin, slightly curly hair…you must have seen him! He tried to bring me here. He must have been here.”
The doctor shakes his head. “I’m sorry. Buy Kyungsoo-sshi, I don’t want to tell you this, but I think you should stay at our hospital for a while. The reports about you are a bit concerning. You need some help-”
“You think I’m insane and that I need to be kept under guard,” Kyungsoo says flatly. “Right?”
“Well…” The doctor fidgets uncomfortably, looking down at his clipboard nervously. “That’s not how I put it-”
Jongin isn’t anywhere to be found. Kyungsoo is suddenly sick and tired of being alive, and he stops caring about what happens to him. “Sure,” he says casually, causing the doctor to look up in surprise. “Take me away. Do whatever you want.”
:: :: ::
It’s lonely in his cell. After searching for hours, Kyungsoo has to admit that there is nothing for him to kill himself with. There are no windows to jump out of, and no sharp objects lying about, although they won’t be of much use because the doctor has tied his hands together so he cannot use them. But Kyungsoo truly is tired of living, and he doesn’t want to keep up with this anymore, yet he cannot end his life.
So he sits there and listens to the voices in the shadows again. They whisper and still, he cannot understand what they are saying.
The door opens and the sound of footsteps echo on the floor. Kyungsoo turns around and for the first time in hours, he feels slightly more hopeful.
“Jongin-ah?”
The boy walks in cautiously, his expression worried and furious at the same time. “What were you thinking? Do you know how terrifying that was?” he yells the moment he walks over to Kyungsoo. “I thought you were going to die! Why did you try to kill yourself?”
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin for a moment, entranced by the beauty of the boy’s anger, then nods at his bonds. “Untie my hands.”
“What?” Jongin shakes his head fervently. “No. Of course not. You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“I said, untie my hands. Or I will kill myself without using my hands.”
The moment Jongin reluctantly takes apart his bonds, Kyungsoo grabs the boy by the shoulders and pushes him against the wall. He can’t stand it anymore-Jongin won’t understand how he feels, but he wants Jongin.
“What are you-” Jongin begins hastily, but Kyungsoo cuts him off by finally succumbing to his curiosity and kissing him. Jongin tries to jerk away as Kyungsoo presses against him, but Kyungsoo merely presses harder, mouthing at Jongin’s lips and wrapping his hands around Jongin’s wrists, digging his fingers into them. Jongin’s trying to resist him, pushing against his arms, but that only makes Kyungsoo cling on even more tightly as he tries to make Jongin respond.
Kyungsoo finally lets go, panting and gasping for breath as he stares at Jongin. The boy’s face is flushed and he’s also panting, although the expression on his face is fearful and horrified. Kyungsoo laughs shortly, doubling over as he struggles to catch his breath. “I don’t love you,” he gasps as soon as he manages to take in some air. “I don’t love you. Don’t you understand?”
He laughs again, then begins coughing, unable to stop. “Do you love me?” he asks once he regains his breath again. “You don’t love me, do you?”
Jongin says nothing-the boy is still staring at him in horror, slumped against the wall, a look of numb shock on his face. Kyungsoo begins to choke on his laughter, unable to fully catch his breath as he lets out his torrent of emotions. He can’t decide whether to be angry or grieved, so instead, he’s amused. “Do we love each other? Do we not? Do I love you? I don’t love you, but I do.” He’s babbling, talking utter nonsense as he continues gasping and laughing.
Kyungsoo.
He stops laughing and looks around, eyes widening in shock. The shadows are talking again, and finally, Kyungsoo understands what the shadows whisper about. Worthless, they mock him, hissing the words out. Kyungsoo is worthless. He is alone.
“I have Jongin,” he retorts back, but already, he knows it’s an empty statement to make. Jongin doesn’t love him. Jongin doesn’t understand him. And Kyungsoo realizes that he has finally heard the shadows, and that he is truly alone in the world.
“Kyungsoo…” Jongin seems to have finally regained his voice, and the boy stands up shakily, taking deep breaths. “What…”
Kyungsoo doesn’t listen. He runs past Jongin and with a kick, breaks open the lock of the door of the cell and runs out. He can hear Jongin run after him, but Kyungsoo speeds up and makes as many turns as he can in the hallway until he reaches a dead end and runs over to where sunlight streams in from a lone window on the wall.
The window overlooks a courtyard, but the courtyard looks extremely small and far away from where Kyungsoo stands-the window is high, and Kyungsoo realizes that certain death will come to anyone who falls from it. He pries the window open and stands on its ledge, reveling in the breeze that flows in from outside, ruffling his hair. Behind him, he can hear Jongin’s footsteps as the boy runs after him, but the footsteps are too far away, and there is no way that Jongin will catch up in time to stop him.
Kyungsoo jumps.
For a moment, he feels as if he is flying-the wind rushes around his ears as he falls, and just for a moment, he feels at peace. Then, he hits the ground with a jarring thud, and the most intense pain he has ever felt explodes in his body. It’s a burning, hot pain that spreads everywhere, and Kyungsoo can hardly breathe in his agony. In the midst of this, he hears Jongin’s voice shout out the sweetest phrase he has ever heard in his life.
“Kyungsoo!”
He smiles, despite the pain, as he loses consciousness for the last time.
:: :: ::
The doctor flips through the pages of the directory for the fifth time and shakes his head, concerned. “That’s strange,” he mutters. “I don’t see anyone in here who matches the description.” He sighs, and shuts the book, too tired to feel extremely worried. “Poor Kyungsoo-sshi. He must have been imagining things.”
After listening to the patient talk about the person who was with him, he had gone and searched for the person. Yet after looking through hundreds of files, the doctor has only one conclusion to make. The shadows are dark as he walks home, for it is late at night, but the doctor does not notice, too engrossed in his thoughts.
Kim Jongin never existed.
the end
a/n: I don’t even know what I wrote dear gods wut. Um…if this is confusing, feel free to ask! But basically, Kyungsoo has some sort of mental illness and hallucinates of Jongin. Yeah.
Genre: Psychological/Thriller
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): Self harm/injury, Character death
Pairing: Kaisoo
Length: 2935 words
Summary: Kyungsoo hears voices in the shadows, yet no one else seems to hear them. Especially not Jongin.
Shadows
Kyungsoo hears voices in the shadows, yet no one else seems to hear them. They like to flit around in the corners, barely whispers, but loud enough for anyone to hear.
The thing is, Kyungsoo can never understand what they’re talking about. He knows they’re talking to him, because every once in a while, he will hear his name being whispered over and over again, but he can never figure out what exactly the shadows are saying.
It’s the same for the rest of the world, too. Kyungsoo drifts in and out of reality, never able to truly understand what others tell him. The world just doesn’t make sense to him-humans are such a mystery. Kyungsoo would much rather sit in his chair at home and listen to the shadows than attempt to understand what people say to him.
It’s a wonder they let him live alone, actually. The words that come out the most out of people when they are near Kyungsoo usually have to do with something related to the fact that he should be taken to a hospital or asylum. Kyungsoo just laughs in their faces and tunes them out. They don’t understand. He hasn’t done any harm. Can’t people just leave him alone to listen to the shadows? It’s not like they make any more sense than the shadows do.
And so Kyungsoo spends most of his day sitting there alone, listening to the shadows, and wondering when he will finally understand them.
:: :: ::
The knife was a present for Kyungsoo many, many years ago, and Kyungsoo can’t exactly remember what occasion it was for, and who gave him the knife. He used it about once or twice after receiving it, then put it away in a little box and stored it somewhere in his closet, not having much use for it.
Now he rummages through his closet and finds it sitting in a corner, covered with dust and smelling like an antique wooden box left in an attic for decades and decades. Kyungsoo opens it and there it is-the little sharp knife that still hasn’t dulled after all the years. He lifts it out of the box reverently, and runs his finger gently over the hilt, wiping away the dust that has accumulated over years of neglect.
The knife has a little black cat engraved on its hilt-it’s something that would be on some mystical dagger in a story, but Kyungsoo doesn’t really believe in fantasy tales and such. But he likes the knife-the black cat is gracefully curled around the hilt and, to him, has an understanding expression, which comforts him in that at least something in the world can relate to him.
Kyungsoo slices the blade of the knife over his thumb and watches in fascination as a bright red line appears on his skin-to him, blood is so beautiful, because its color is so vivid and intense. People get scared when he talks about blood, which Kyungsoo finds rather amusing. Blood is a part of everyone, and to him, it’s an enthralling work of art, because it exists everywhere and is so captivating.
Kyungsoo wipes at the blood on his thumb and finds a small sheath in the box to store the knife in. He clips the sheath to his belt and places the knife in it.
:: :: ::
The only person Kyungsoo ever feels any liking towards is Jongin, and even then, he’s not entirely sure why. Jongin has a smile that could cause any person to mistake him for some sort of heavenly deity, and he is always kind and caring. Yet despite this, Jongin doesn’t understand Kyungsoo. It’s a wonder the boy even visits Kyungsoo sometimes, because Jongin looks away awkwardly and uncomfortably whenever Kyungsoo begins talking about the voices and shadows.
For Kyungsoo, however, he doesn’t just like Jongin; he is obsessed with him. Jongin’s lips are so full and his eyes are so innocent, and sometimes, Kyungsoo wonders out of curiosity what it would be like to kiss Jongin, because Jongin looks so alive and full of life. That liveliness is something Kyungsoo is sure he will never achieve, so it feels nice to watch Jongin talk and move around, because Jongin shines with an inner light, and Kyungsoo is absolutely entranced by that light.
Jongin should understand the voices in the shadows. After all, he came from the shadows for Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo had been sitting in his chair when Jongin appeared out of nowhere from the shadows and smiled at Kyungsoo. “Are you lonely?” he had asked, sitting next to Kyungsoo and tilting his head slightly to the side in a curious manner. “You are lonely, aren’t you? I’ll come visit you often, if you want. You need a friend.”
At that time, Kyungsoo did not question where Jongin had come from. He was too relieved to have a companion who would understood him.
Yet Jongin still does not understand him, no matter how many times he visits Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo knows that because Jongin always changes the subject quickly whenever Kyungsoo begins talking of the shadows. Although Jongin does visit often, Kyungsoo gets the feeling that Jongin is merely visiting because he feels pity for him; that Jongin has no other choice but to talk to Kyungsoo.
Somehow, it makes Kyungsoo feel even lonelier than before, even though Jongin is the only person who will actually stay with him.
:: :: ::
Sometimes, Kyungsoo doesn’t feel like living. When he feels that way, he takes out the knife and stares at the blade, wondering what it will be like to cut off his life with the metal and if it will be extremely painful.
But of course, he never does it, and merely puts the knife back in its sheath, taking comfort in the little black cat on the hilt. It’s not his time to go yet. He hasn’t figured out what the shadows say, and Kyungsoo refuses to die without learning what the shadows whisper about.
On this rainy day, Kyungsoo is surveying the knife again, gazing at his reflection on the shiny metal, staring at his face and wondering who he really is. The door opens with a bang and Kyungsoo hastily slips the knife back into its sheath and looks up to see Jongin walk in, a determined expression on the boy’s face.
“That’s enough,” Jongin snaps, without even bothering to greet Kyungsoo the way he usually does. “Kyungsoo-ah, you can’t keep on living like this. I don’t know what you do when I’m not around. You can’t live alone. It’s too dangerous. You need help. Professional help.”
“What are you going to do?” Kyungsoo responds languidly, not bothering to be curious. Jongin won’t take him away. He is sure of it.
It is then that Kyungsoo notices the small slip of paper in Jongin’s hands, and the way Jongin’s hands shake when he reaches for the telephone. “You wouldn’t.”
“I can, and I will,” Jongin retorts defiantly. “I’m calling an asylum and I’m having them take you under their care. It’s for your own good, Kyungsoo-ah. It’s too dangerous for you to be alone. You’ll get help, and who knows, maybe one day you’ll be well enough to be by yourself again. I care for you. That’s why I’m doing this.”
“That’s what they all say,” Kyungsoo growls, walking over to the boy and knocking his hand aside as Jongin grabs for the telephone. “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here. I don’t need help. I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”
“Listen, Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouts, struggling against Kyungsoo’s grip for the telephone. “Listen to me! I’m doing this for you-”
Kyungsoo wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck, and as Jongin stiffens in alarm, Kyungsoo leans his entire weight on the boy and buries his face in Jongin’s shoulder. The boy is warm and full of life, and Kyungsoo wants to stay here, wrapped around Jongin forever.
“What are you doing?” Jongin’s voice is shocked and nervous, but Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. Instead, he draws the knife with the black cat on the hilt out from its sheath on his belt and holds it up to his neck. The shadows don’t matter as much anymore. Kyungsoo is fine with dying if people try to take him away. All he wants to do now is to die with Jongin in his arms.
“Kyungsoo-ah?”
Hidden from sight, Kyungsoo brings his knife up and makes a swipe at his neck. The cut doesn’t feel very deep or very painful, but Kyungsoo loses his grip on the knife and it falls to the floor, clattering as it lands by his foot.
The first few drops of blood drip down on Jongin’s shirt and soak into the material. In his arms, Kyungsoo feels Jongin stiffen even further and a few moments later, a hand reaches up and touches the side of Kyungsoo’s neck gently before drawing away. Kyungsoo hears Jongin’s muffled gasp, and merely smiles, giddy with perverse joy, already dizzy from the loss of blood.
“What did you do?” Jongin asks, his tone strained and terrified. “Why is your neck bleeding?”
“I…” Kyungsoo murmurs, half-conscious, clutching Jongin even tighter with the remainder of his strength, “I just want to die with you here.”
He closes his eyes.
:: :: ::
When Kyungsoo opens his eyes again, the side of his neck aches, and he is lying in a bed in a strange room, under white sheets. The entire place smells repulsively of sickness, and Kyungsoo closes his eyes, dazed and confused about where he is. A few moments later, he hears someone walk by his bed, and he opens his eyes again to see a man in a white coat-obviously a doctor-stand by him, holding a clipboard.
“Kyungsoo-sshi,” the doctor says pleasantly, “you’re awake. That’s good. Your neck cut wasn’t too deep, and you didn’t lose enough blood for the injury to be extremely dangerous, so you’re alive.”
“Alive?” Kyungsoo stares blankly at the doctor and touches his neck, where he finds a bandage over the cut from the knife. “Alive?” he repeats, although this time, it’s more to himself than the doctor.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?” the doctor asks abruptly, peering at him suspiciously. “It looks like it.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, just merely looks about, realizing something. “Did Jongin bring me here?”
“Pardon?” The doctor stares back at Kyungsoo, his expression bewildered. “Jongin? I didn’t see anyone named Jongin bring you in. Your neighbors heard a commotion and found you bleeding on your floor, alone.”
“He was there,” Kyungsoo says stubbornly, sitting up and glowering at the doctor. “Kim Jongin! He’s got darkish skin, slightly curly hair…you must have seen him! He tried to bring me here. He must have been here.”
The doctor shakes his head. “I’m sorry. Buy Kyungsoo-sshi, I don’t want to tell you this, but I think you should stay at our hospital for a while. The reports about you are a bit concerning. You need some help-”
“You think I’m insane and that I need to be kept under guard,” Kyungsoo says flatly. “Right?”
“Well…” The doctor fidgets uncomfortably, looking down at his clipboard nervously. “That’s not how I put it-”
Jongin isn’t anywhere to be found. Kyungsoo is suddenly sick and tired of being alive, and he stops caring about what happens to him. “Sure,” he says casually, causing the doctor to look up in surprise. “Take me away. Do whatever you want.”
:: :: ::
It’s lonely in his cell. After searching for hours, Kyungsoo has to admit that there is nothing for him to kill himself with. There are no windows to jump out of, and no sharp objects lying about, although they won’t be of much use because the doctor has tied his hands together so he cannot use them. But Kyungsoo truly is tired of living, and he doesn’t want to keep up with this anymore, yet he cannot end his life.
So he sits there and listens to the voices in the shadows again. They whisper and still, he cannot understand what they are saying.
The door opens and the sound of footsteps echo on the floor. Kyungsoo turns around and for the first time in hours, he feels slightly more hopeful.
“Jongin-ah?”
The boy walks in cautiously, his expression worried and furious at the same time. “What were you thinking? Do you know how terrifying that was?” he yells the moment he walks over to Kyungsoo. “I thought you were going to die! Why did you try to kill yourself?”
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin for a moment, entranced by the beauty of the boy’s anger, then nods at his bonds. “Untie my hands.”
“What?” Jongin shakes his head fervently. “No. Of course not. You’re going to hurt yourself.”
“I said, untie my hands. Or I will kill myself without using my hands.”
The moment Jongin reluctantly takes apart his bonds, Kyungsoo grabs the boy by the shoulders and pushes him against the wall. He can’t stand it anymore-Jongin won’t understand how he feels, but he wants Jongin.
“What are you-” Jongin begins hastily, but Kyungsoo cuts him off by finally succumbing to his curiosity and kissing him. Jongin tries to jerk away as Kyungsoo presses against him, but Kyungsoo merely presses harder, mouthing at Jongin’s lips and wrapping his hands around Jongin’s wrists, digging his fingers into them. Jongin’s trying to resist him, pushing against his arms, but that only makes Kyungsoo cling on even more tightly as he tries to make Jongin respond.
Kyungsoo finally lets go, panting and gasping for breath as he stares at Jongin. The boy’s face is flushed and he’s also panting, although the expression on his face is fearful and horrified. Kyungsoo laughs shortly, doubling over as he struggles to catch his breath. “I don’t love you,” he gasps as soon as he manages to take in some air. “I don’t love you. Don’t you understand?”
He laughs again, then begins coughing, unable to stop. “Do you love me?” he asks once he regains his breath again. “You don’t love me, do you?”
Jongin says nothing-the boy is still staring at him in horror, slumped against the wall, a look of numb shock on his face. Kyungsoo begins to choke on his laughter, unable to fully catch his breath as he lets out his torrent of emotions. He can’t decide whether to be angry or grieved, so instead, he’s amused. “Do we love each other? Do we not? Do I love you? I don’t love you, but I do.” He’s babbling, talking utter nonsense as he continues gasping and laughing.
Kyungsoo.
He stops laughing and looks around, eyes widening in shock. The shadows are talking again, and finally, Kyungsoo understands what the shadows whisper about. Worthless, they mock him, hissing the words out. Kyungsoo is worthless. He is alone.
“I have Jongin,” he retorts back, but already, he knows it’s an empty statement to make. Jongin doesn’t love him. Jongin doesn’t understand him. And Kyungsoo realizes that he has finally heard the shadows, and that he is truly alone in the world.
“Kyungsoo…” Jongin seems to have finally regained his voice, and the boy stands up shakily, taking deep breaths. “What…”
Kyungsoo doesn’t listen. He runs past Jongin and with a kick, breaks open the lock of the door of the cell and runs out. He can hear Jongin run after him, but Kyungsoo speeds up and makes as many turns as he can in the hallway until he reaches a dead end and runs over to where sunlight streams in from a lone window on the wall.
The window overlooks a courtyard, but the courtyard looks extremely small and far away from where Kyungsoo stands-the window is high, and Kyungsoo realizes that certain death will come to anyone who falls from it. He pries the window open and stands on its ledge, reveling in the breeze that flows in from outside, ruffling his hair. Behind him, he can hear Jongin’s footsteps as the boy runs after him, but the footsteps are too far away, and there is no way that Jongin will catch up in time to stop him.
Kyungsoo jumps.
For a moment, he feels as if he is flying-the wind rushes around his ears as he falls, and just for a moment, he feels at peace. Then, he hits the ground with a jarring thud, and the most intense pain he has ever felt explodes in his body. It’s a burning, hot pain that spreads everywhere, and Kyungsoo can hardly breathe in his agony. In the midst of this, he hears Jongin’s voice shout out the sweetest phrase he has ever heard in his life.
“Kyungsoo!”
He smiles, despite the pain, as he loses consciousness for the last time.
:: :: ::
The doctor flips through the pages of the directory for the fifth time and shakes his head, concerned. “That’s strange,” he mutters. “I don’t see anyone in here who matches the description.” He sighs, and shuts the book, too tired to feel extremely worried. “Poor Kyungsoo-sshi. He must have been imagining things.”
After listening to the patient talk about the person who was with him, he had gone and searched for the person. Yet after looking through hundreds of files, the doctor has only one conclusion to make. The shadows are dark as he walks home, for it is late at night, but the doctor does not notice, too engrossed in his thoughts.
Kim Jongin never existed.
the end
a/n: I don’t even know what I wrote dear gods wut. Um…if this is confusing, feel free to ask! But basically, Kyungsoo has some sort of mental illness and hallucinates of Jongin. Yeah.