In the Eye of the Beholder
Title: In the Eye of the Beholder
Author: Surevesta
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: J2, Jensen/Danneel, Jared/Sandy
Warning: Minor character deaths
Word count: 5088
Prompt Chosen:
When Zack Morgan discovers he's a father, and that his little boy was given up for adoption, he decides to find him. He has to know his son is okay. Life is a struggle for single mom Susan Johnson, but she loves being Danny's mother. When Zack unexpectedly comes into their lives, he lights up their world. Zack intended to keep his distance, but he's found the family of his dreams. Only, Susan has no idea who he really is….
Summary: Written for the spn_meanttobe
Excerpts from the baby book of Felicity Jaide Ackles.
He gained a daughter and lost a wife. He gained a daughter and found a family.
Author Note: I can't say I'm perfectly happy with how this turned out... but I did want to write it and get it out there. I'll likely revisit this in the form of some half completed images I was working on to make this seem more like a real baby book. As such I'll wait to post it to communities other than the challenges till I complete those... I do hope you all enjoy my uncoventional story... and if you don't you can always scroll ahead to the real story scene that takes place near the end. I also want to thank anyothergirl415 for the initial read through where she utterly encouraged me to continue this!
Graphics Version
Happiness isn't something that can be bought, it can't be earned. You can deserve it but that doesn't mean you'll find it. Sometimes it requires work, it doesn't just appear out of thin air. You have to want it with your whole being, believe in it. If you doubt it then you'll go without. It isn't based on presents or material wealth, you can surround yourself with a crowd of people and not have it.
It is simple, inelegant, and it is above all else... a choice.
Excerpts from Felicity Jaide Ackles' Baby Memory Book
Name: Felicity Jaide Ackles
Parents: Jensen Ross Ackles and Elita Danneel Graul - Ackles
Birth Date: January 2, 2001 Time: 3:24 a.m.
Weight: 6 lbs 3 onces Length: 17.8 inches
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
The first time I saw you was when the nurse brought you to me. You were so small and precious and we were so lucky. I fell in love with you the moment you opened your eyes. They were mostly blue but there were flecks of green already present in them. When your father and I decided to start a family we thought it would take years for our dream to come true.
You were our angel. We were so lucky to have you and I thank God everyday that you are here, in my arms. Your father cried when he first saw you, though he'll try to deny it. He's going to be the best father in the world. I'm going to try and keep him from spoiling you rotten, but I just know that he'll be sneaking you sweets and trips to the park. I love him and I just know you will to.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Hey baby girl, your mother wants me to write about the first time I saw you in this book. That's one of the first things you'll learn about her. She loves to write, always has. I think she has twenty old diaries not to mention the one she's writing in now. I think that's why she does so well with her job- she's a natural.
It's hard to believe you're really here. We brought you home last night and I'm just watching you sleep while your mother takes a well deserved bath. You kept us up last night, I think you were just confused with the change in your surroundings. From what my Mother tells me we'll be spending a lot of time getting up with you in the coming months. I think she thought we were insane to start a family so soon. I wouldn't change this for the world; I can't imagine my life without you in it now that you're here.
You're so small. When your Mother handed you to me I was worried I would break you somehow- or drop you. I didn't though and you cracked your eyes open and looked up at me... that was when I fell in love for the second time- the first time was when I met your mother. I love you baby girl and always will.
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
Your father is so silly! The faces he makes when he changes your diaper are just so cute! I'd take a picture but he's threatened me. Plus I'm not as good with a camera as he is. the last time I used the digital camera the flash stopped working. Your father is an amazing photographer. I think that's part of why I fell in love with him. We met during our Sophomore year of college while working for the school newspaper. We went to a lot of events together. I wrote about them and he took pictures. We just graduated last May and started working for the Dallas Morning News. I'm low on the totem pole right now and your father is working freelance but we make ends meet.
We always knew we wanted a family and we were so lucky to find out about you! I can't imagine life without you and your father. I love you both so much. You're both asleep right now, something that I should probably be doing myself. I just can't help but watch the two of you together. Half the time it seems that he can't let go of you- you're sleeping on his chest right now, his hand resting on your back. Every time I see you two together I fall in love again.
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
You laughed today, a real laugh. You're also so much bigger than you were at the hospital! It's hard to believe it's already been nearly three months since the first time I saw you. Your eyes are darker then they were in the hospital. They're hazel now, but they have a lot of green in them. Not quite as bright as your fathers but that's to be expected. I can almost see bits of your father and I in you but I know that's just an illusion- physically I mean.
I don't mention it much, the fact that you're adopted, because it doesn't matter to me. You're ours and your father and I love you very much. I don't want to hide it from you though. One day I know you'll wonder, ask questions. I don't know much about your birth parents but I know that your birth-mother was a sweet girl who wanted you to have a good life with two parents. She wasn't able to support you and through a friend of a friend found us. We were so lucky. Your father and I thought it would be years before we had a baby, part of the reason why we started searching right after college.
You see, I can't have children of my own due to a car accident when I was a child. Your father didn't care about that and for that I love him. I couldn't give him a baby so he worked non-stop to give me one. Yes, your father is the one that found you and his camera was shelved for months till the day we got the call to pick you up. There are only a few things that can tear your father away from that contraption- coffee, sleep, and family.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
It's been a long time since I wrote in here. That was Danyour mother's job. She wrote in it everyday for the first seven and a half months of your life. Everyday without fail. I put her off a lot about writing in it myself. This was hers, part of why I loved her. For her life was about making as many memories as she could and recording them for the future. For when memories grow faint and the mind looses it's sharpness. That's what her books should have been for. They should have been something to look into, enjoy, giggle over when you and your siblings. When you were shipping your mother and I off to a nursing home or burying us into the ground. They should have been something to make you laugh and cry and remember the good old days when you were small and your parents were young.
That was before though, before life changed and I lost my way. I nearly lost you too. It took your Uncle Josh and Chris to knock some sense into me. Almost literally. You're my life baby girl and I can't imagine life without you. I don't want to. It's bad enough that your mother is gone.
I miss her so much. Losing her nearly destroyed me and without you I think I might have. I didn't sign up for this heartache. It isn't something I want. But I can't avoid it. No matter how much I try or want to. The future I envisioned for us, you, me, and your mother is gone and I can't ever get it back.
I lost my way for the first few months after the accident. Imagine that, an accident took away your mothers ability to have a child and now it took her away from her child. I'm sorry, this isn't really the best place to dump my sorrows. Although it's better than a bottle of beer. Your Aunt Mackenzie actually suggested I start doing this. I didn't want to but the therapist I've been seeing also suggested it. Only the therapist said it should be a journal to keep to myself. She even said I could burn the pages if I wanted to after I'd written them. Your mother wouldn't have wanted me to do that though. Danneel would have wanted me to write it down, to share it with you in the future. For her bottling things up wasn't an option. You had to deal with it, record it, analyze, and learn from it.
I don't know what if anything I'll learn from losing her. I don't really want to learn anything... I don't want to be without her. I am though- we are. Nothing can change that.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Happy Birthday baby girl! You've gotten so big! It just seems like yesterday that you could practically fit into the palm of my hand. It's been a rough couple years for us, but we're making do. We moved about six months ago; I doubt you'll remember the old house. It was a ranch style two bedroom house painted a pale blue. Your mother fell in love with it the first time she saw it. There were so many memories in that home- good and bad. I wish we could have stayed there but we couldn't, not on my commissions alone.
Your Grandparents helped out for a year or so, Chris even offered to skip out on his plans of moving to LA to bunk with us for a year or two until I could rebuild some savings. I couldn't let him do that though. He was so helpful after your mother died and now he needs to get back to work. I couldn't rely on others for the rest of my life. So now here we are in a small one bedroom apartment. It's big enough for the two of us right now and we have a bit of a cushion from the sale of the house.
You're sleeping right now, all tired and worn out from a busy day. The whole family was over here, including your Mother's parents. They don't come by often but they care about you. It's just hard since they live so far away. You were such a chatter box today, a regular “Chatty Cathy” according to your Grandmother Ackles.
Aunt Mackenzie bought you a princess dress, pink and frilly, and now I can't get you to take it off. You insisted on wearing it to bed tonight.
I love you baby girl. I can't believe you're already three...
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
I'm going to kill your godfather. At the very least I'm going to maim and torture him. Chris was in town for the week for a show and he insisted I go out and have some fun. Apparently I'm lame for wanting to spend a quiet night at home with my baby girl after working all day at the shop. He volunteered to watch you for the night while I went out with a few other friends to have some 'fun'. It would have been much better if I hadn't come home to find my four year old barfing up candy and ice cream and crying due to a upset stomach. Chris is no longer allowed to babysit you without someone else around.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
It was your first day of school and I think you handled it so much better than I did. You're attending the small elementary school just two blocks down from the two bedroom apartment we moved into three months ago. Between my salary working part time for Morgan's Auto Shop and the money I'm making from photography we're doing alright. I know this isn't the life your Mother and I had envisioned when we adopted you- there is no house, no fenced in yard, no younger sibling for you to play with. I like to think we're doing alright though, that you're happy. Because I am. Happy. For the first time in a long time I'm happy.
Your Mother would have wanted us to be.
~~~~~~A Letter~~~~~~~
January 23, 2007
Dear Jared Padalecki,
The news I'm about to share with you will probably- no definitely come as a shock. How could it not? We spent two years together in high school and were friends for almost a decade. I can still remember the first time we met. I had just moved into town to stay with my Aunt and Uncle, after my parents and brother died. I was crying beneath the tree in the neighborhood park and you came up and gave me a dandelion. It wasn't even a flower anymore, just a ton of tiny seeds. You told me to close my eyes and blow as hard as I could and make a wish. I wished that I would see my family again.
I guess I've gotten my wish, huh? The doctors tell me I don't have much longer to live. It's cancer, inoperable and spreading. I have a tumor in my brain and several dozen other places in my body.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. One of them was the night we spent together after prom... and everything that came after that. I was scared though. You left after Graduation, left to make it big in Hollywood. I guess you got your wish, huh? I've seen a couple episodes of that show you were on... Gilmore Girls I think it was. You did good. I hope it was all you hoped it would be.
I guess I should get to the point. That night, senior prom night, the night we had sex. Crappy, sloppy, sex. Don't take it personal, we were young and I won't hold your lack of stamina against you. Anyway, that night something happened and then you left and nine months later I spent fourteen hours in the worst pain you could ever imagine. That's right Tiger, you got me pregnant. It was wrong of me not to tell you but I didn't want anything to do with you and I was too damaged and too young to take care of a baby.
It was a girl, a perfect little girl. That's what the nurse told me anyway. I never saw her, but I did meet her adoptive parents before she was born. They're good people, perfect and in love. The woman couldn't have children and was just so thankful and the way the husband looked at her... it made me wish that we could have had that. It reminded me of what we had that first year together.
Anyway now you know. My conscious is clear. You have a daughter and she was born on January 2nd, 2001. She has two parents who love her very much, I made sure of that.
I hope you have a long, wonderful life. I really did love you once.
Sincerely,
Sandra McCoy
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Today was your graduation ceremony, hard to believe you're all grown up- well six years old anyway. That's right it was your Kindergarten graduation ceremony. The teacher, Mrs Smith, even had little hats for y'all to wear. You were adorable and I took lots of pictures. The parents even contracted me to take pictures of all the kids- practically on the spot. I know I shouldn't have accepted but you insisted baby girl. Sometimes I think you love photography more than I do.
I bought you a camera for your graduation present this year, just an old crank camera that you can learn the basics on. Your grin was so wide and beautiful; you were so excited! I'm going to teach you all about developing film soon. I've been saving money... I think in a year or two between my commissions from the stock photos, weddings, and miscellaneous events I'm taking pictures for and working at Morgans I should be able to buy a small house. Maybe set up a real dark room and teach you first hand how to develop pictures in a way that doesn't involve a Wal-mart or the computer.
~~~~~~A Letter~~~~~~
18 June 2007
Mr. Padalecki,
You will be pleased to find out that I have successfully completed the job I was hired for. It took some doing, but I was able to locate the biological daughter of Sandra McCoy and yourself born January 2, 2001.
The child in question is living with her father in a small two bedroom apartment in Dallas, TX. From what I was able to gather, her adopted mother, Danneel Ackles, passed away approximately eight months after the birth of your daughter. Since then she has lived with her father a part time mechanic and a freelance photographer whose jobs usually entail weddings, special events, family photos, and High School Senior pictures.
Ackles appears to be lower middle class income wise but is currently debt free. His parents, older brother, and younger sister all live within a two hour drive and appear to visit frequently.
I have enclosed all available contact information as well as a recent school picture of your daughter: Felicity Jaide Ackles. See also the attached file for a more detailed summary of all pertinent information found during my search.
Sincerely,
Zachary Quinto
Zachary Quinto, P.I.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
The fireworks were amazing this year. I took you to the park with Aunt Mackenzie, Uncle Josh and his family. You had a lot of fun with your cousin. There were a lot of booths set up and you dragged me to each one, just to see what they sold. We ended up tyedyeing a frisbee together. It started out purple (your favorite color) and we colored it with yellow, green, blue, a dab of purple, some white, and even a bit of pink. When it was done the person running the machine that spun the frisbee around asked what you wanted written on it and do you know what you said? You told him flat out that you didn't want to write anything on it because it looked like the sunrise behind the picture of your mama next to your bed. You said that it was perfect as it was.
When night fell we all sat on a large quilt your Great-Grandmother made for me and your Mother's wedding and watched the show. You were mesmerized by the sparling colors in the sky, leaning against my chest with eyes only for the skyline. Your cousin cried a little at the loudest booms. I did warn Uncle Josh that he is still a bit young to enjoy the show, but he didn't listen to me.
Afterwards, when I was buckling you into the back seat, you blinked sleepily at me and flat out told me that next year I had to bring the good camera because the fireworks are so pretty and you wanted to be able to show your Mother when we go visit her grave on her birthday.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
I think it's funny how fate works sometimes. I met someone in the park today while taking pictures of a small community event. It was an old car show... I literally backed into him while trying to get the perfect shot of a black 1967 Chevy Impala. You'll probably never believe this and will laugh at me when you're much, much older, but I ran into Jared Padalecki. Yes, THE Jared Padalecki, movie star.
If your mother was alive she'd be laughing at me right now for being so flustered. I never hid the fact that I'm attracted to other men from her and I don't plan on hiding that portion of my life from you either baby girl. It wouldn't be fair to you or me to do that. I loved your mother with all my heart and never cheated on her... but now she's gone and it's just you and me.
You'll never believe this but he asked me out for coffee. I was kind of shocked, I mean I backed into him spilling his drink and he asked me to go with him for coffee. We talked for two hours, until I had to go pick you up from school. It was incredible and he seemed genuinely interested in my work. I'm really not sure what to make of this but he asked if he could see my portfolio and said he might be able to put in a good word for me somewhere.
God is looking out for us baby girl, we may have that little home, and the kitty you've been bugging me about getting, sooner rather than later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jensen,” Jared's voice was raw with emotion, fist curled tight as he leaned heavily against the worn wood of the apartment door. Inches from his forehead the brass number '5' was tilted slightly, the nail holding it in place loosened with time and the strength of his knocking. “I'm sorry. Just, please Jensen... I just want to talk.”
“Go away,” The reply was muffled slightly by the door, but Jared could hear the hissed anger in the words. “There's nothing you could say that would ever make me want to talk to you ever again.”
“Just five minutes, please! Just give me five minutes to explain and then I'll leave. I'll go back to LA and never bother you again. Just give me five minutes Jen-”
“Then you'll go away and stop scaring my daughter?” The question was filled with disbelief and a mixture of emotions that was difficult for the actor to decipher.
“Five minutes and I'll never bother you again.”
“Okay,” There was a pause and Jared could here the slide of the chain lock followed by the click of the bolt and the door knob before it twisted and pulled in. He stepped back, the tip of his boots barely over the edge of the door mat as the door swung open. Immediately he sought out the face of the other man, sweeping over pale, tired features schooled into stillness.
The green eyes were open windows into the older mans soul, though. Hurt, anger, betrayal, heart break. Everything flashing in those orbs was his fault Jared's. His assumptions of the world and how people lived... his lack of insight into the lives of others had caused that pain. Jared would give anything to to take it away once more.
“We're discussing this outside though,” Jensen held up a hand, stopping Jared as he moved forward. “You've upset Lissy enough as it is.”
Swallowing roughly, Jared nodded wishing that hand was just half an inch closer so he could feel the heat of Jensen's skin. He almost could. “Fair enough.”
The apartment complex wasn't the nicest one in the area, but it was by no means the worst. When Jared had first laid eyes on it, however, he had gotten sick to his stomach. The vast difference between his home in LA and the two bedroom one bath apartment was quite unsettling for him. He had been shocked and appalled that his child, his little girl, was growing up in that.
For once Chad was right though, he was spoiled with the wealth he had accumulated after a string of successes that began only a month after his high school graduation. It had taken him too long to figure out that living and working the way Jensen did wasn't what he imagined it to be. For one thing Jensen and Felicity were happy with their life. Sure it wasn't the best situation, but Jensen worked hard to keep them living comfortable and was saving to buy a real home. Jared had just been blinded by the superficial and rushed into everything without thinking.
There was a small, empty play ground at the side of the building with a single bench barely lit by a flickering lamp post. Jared shuffled awkwardly nearby when Jensen dropped down onto the bench, eyes staring down at the tiny round gravel scattered across the sidewalk. He stood there for a moment, just watching the man that had gone from being the stranger his daughter called 'Dad' to his lover and boyfriend in only a few short months. It was funny how the world worked.
“Four minutes,” Jensen's voice cut through his thoughts.
Clearing his throat, Jared moved to sit down next to the photographer on the bench, wincing inwardly when the older man visibly tensed, “I'm sorry Jensen. I know that nothing I say can take back all the pain I caused... and for that I am truly sorry.”
“Then why are you even here?”
“Because I have to try?” Jared tilted his head and slumped forward slightly, leaning towards Jensen and trying to catch his gaze. “Because I was an idiot who acted without thinking and completely misjudged a situation? And by the time I had realized just how wrong I was to even think about-”
“Taking my daughter from me?” Finally Jensen turned his head, eyes still blazing with pain and anger and every other emotion Jared could think of.
“I wasn't thinking. I never even knew she existed till Sandy...” Jared sighed, taking in a deep breath and trying to collect himself before continuing. “She sent me a letter telling me what happened. How she had hidden the fact that I had a daughter, a baby girl, from me and sent her to live with another family. I just wanted to make sure she was okay, happy.”
“And what did you think she was?” Jensen pulled himself away, standing. “How could you ever think that she wasn't happy here? What made you-”
“I don't know... I guess I just saw the apartment and everything and I... I judged,” He ran a hand roughly through his hair, pulling it tight. “I judged you before I ever got to know you. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I want nothing more than to go back to how it was, how we were two days ago.”
“We can't go back to how it was, Jared. Even if I wanted to.”
“I know,” Standing, Jared ran his palms over his thighs. “I'm sorry Jensen. I was wrong, so horribly wrong. If I could make it so I never talked to the lawyers I would, but I wouldn't change getting to know you, loving you or Felicity for anything.”
There was a pause, a long moment that seemed to stretch on for hours but Jared knew it only lasted seconds. A car drove by, the light from the headlights crossing over them and sending weird shadows across the playground and the side of the building.
“What?”
“I said I'd never have contacted-”
“No,” Jensen's hands had unclenched, the right one twitching slightly. “You... the last part. You... you-”
“I do,” Jared took a chance, stepping closer to Jensen. “I couldn't help it because... because you and her... you're so damn happy and perfect. I can't imagine what my life would be like without you two in it. I don't want to because I fell in love with you both. I never meant to but I did. I'm sorry I hurt you Jensen, I always will be because I know that I'll never meet anyone like you again.” He dropped his hand from where it had lifted in the space between them, hovering near Jensen but not close enough to touch. “I guess my times up...” He turned to go, heart aching and a distinct wetness building up along his eyes.
Jared barely made it three steps.
“Wait.”
Pausing, he didn't dare turn around.
“I believe that you're sorry,” There was a pause. A distinct beat that Jared knew meant Jensen was searching for the right words. “I believe you but I can't forgive you. Not yet. But I... I want to. I want to be able to trust you again because I... I care for you and I never thought I'd ever care for someone other than Felicity this much ever again.”
Jared turned, cautiously, taking in the fact that Jensen had moved forward, was watching him with eyes that still held hurt and a little bit of anger but distinctly lacked the rage that had been burning in them before. He stood in place though, letting Jensen take the lead. After what seemed like hours of green eyes searching his own hazel ones, the slightly shorter man stepped closer.
“This isn't going to be easy.”
“Nothing ever is.” Except sometimes, okay a lot of the time, things in Jared's life had seemed pretty easy. Especially the movie career that practically fell into his life.
“You're going to have to work, earning our trust back isn't going to be easy. I don't want Felicity to be put into this situation ever again.”
“She won't be,” Jared stated firmly, insisting and imploring. “And neither will you. I pr-”
“Don't make promises you can't or don't intend to keep.”
They were inches away from each other now, close enough that a quick duck of his head could bring their lips crashing together. Memories of the last time their lips touched, of the night they spent together before the letter arrived with the morning mail filtered through his mind.
“I promise.”
Jensen nodded and he must have seen something in Jared's eyes because the next thing Jared knew was the feel and taste of Jensen's lips against his, the press of calloused hands through the thin material of his immaculate dress shirt, and the knowledge that while things weren't okay one day they would be.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Happy Birthday baby girl! Today you turned eight today and managed to tire yourself out pretty quickly...
Papa-Jared took you to the humane society and you two ended up coming home with two puppies. I couldn't believe it. For the past two years all you'd talked about was getting a cat and you just came in the back door, arms full of wriggling puppies...
~~~~~~The End~~~~~~
Note: Before anyone comments on grammar/spelling... I have errors in the "excerpts" on purpose (the story section, not so much).
Thank you every for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it!
Author: Surevesta
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: J2, Jensen/Danneel, Jared/Sandy
Warning: Minor character deaths
Word count: 5088
Prompt Chosen:
When Zack Morgan discovers he's a father, and that his little boy was given up for adoption, he decides to find him. He has to know his son is okay. Life is a struggle for single mom Susan Johnson, but she loves being Danny's mother. When Zack unexpectedly comes into their lives, he lights up their world. Zack intended to keep his distance, but he's found the family of his dreams. Only, Susan has no idea who he really is….
Summary: Written for the spn_meanttobe
Excerpts from the baby book of Felicity Jaide Ackles.
He gained a daughter and lost a wife. He gained a daughter and found a family.
Author Note: I can't say I'm perfectly happy with how this turned out... but I did want to write it and get it out there. I'll likely revisit this in the form of some half completed images I was working on to make this seem more like a real baby book. As such I'll wait to post it to communities other than the challenges till I complete those... I do hope you all enjoy my uncoventional story... and if you don't you can always scroll ahead to the real story scene that takes place near the end. I also want to thank anyothergirl415 for the initial read through where she utterly encouraged me to continue this!
Graphics Version
Happiness isn't something that can be bought, it can't be earned. You can deserve it but that doesn't mean you'll find it. Sometimes it requires work, it doesn't just appear out of thin air. You have to want it with your whole being, believe in it. If you doubt it then you'll go without. It isn't based on presents or material wealth, you can surround yourself with a crowd of people and not have it.
It is simple, inelegant, and it is above all else... a choice.
Excerpts from Felicity Jaide Ackles' Baby Memory Book
Name: Felicity Jaide Ackles
Parents: Jensen Ross Ackles and Elita Danneel Graul - Ackles
Birth Date: January 2, 2001 Time: 3:24 a.m.
Weight: 6 lbs 3 onces Length: 17.8 inches
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
The first time I saw you was when the nurse brought you to me. You were so small and precious and we were so lucky. I fell in love with you the moment you opened your eyes. They were mostly blue but there were flecks of green already present in them. When your father and I decided to start a family we thought it would take years for our dream to come true.
You were our angel. We were so lucky to have you and I thank God everyday that you are here, in my arms. Your father cried when he first saw you, though he'll try to deny it. He's going to be the best father in the world. I'm going to try and keep him from spoiling you rotten, but I just know that he'll be sneaking you sweets and trips to the park. I love him and I just know you will to.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Hey baby girl, your mother wants me to write about the first time I saw you in this book. That's one of the first things you'll learn about her. She loves to write, always has. I think she has twenty old diaries not to mention the one she's writing in now. I think that's why she does so well with her job- she's a natural.
It's hard to believe you're really here. We brought you home last night and I'm just watching you sleep while your mother takes a well deserved bath. You kept us up last night, I think you were just confused with the change in your surroundings. From what my Mother tells me we'll be spending a lot of time getting up with you in the coming months. I think she thought we were insane to start a family so soon. I wouldn't change this for the world; I can't imagine my life without you in it now that you're here.
You're so small. When your Mother handed you to me I was worried I would break you somehow- or drop you. I didn't though and you cracked your eyes open and looked up at me... that was when I fell in love for the second time- the first time was when I met your mother. I love you baby girl and always will.
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
Your father is so silly! The faces he makes when he changes your diaper are just so cute! I'd take a picture but he's threatened me. Plus I'm not as good with a camera as he is. the last time I used the digital camera the flash stopped working. Your father is an amazing photographer. I think that's part of why I fell in love with him. We met during our Sophomore year of college while working for the school newspaper. We went to a lot of events together. I wrote about them and he took pictures. We just graduated last May and started working for the Dallas Morning News. I'm low on the totem pole right now and your father is working freelance but we make ends meet.
We always knew we wanted a family and we were so lucky to find out about you! I can't imagine life without you and your father. I love you both so much. You're both asleep right now, something that I should probably be doing myself. I just can't help but watch the two of you together. Half the time it seems that he can't let go of you- you're sleeping on his chest right now, his hand resting on your back. Every time I see you two together I fall in love again.
~~~~~~Danneel~~~~~~
You laughed today, a real laugh. You're also so much bigger than you were at the hospital! It's hard to believe it's already been nearly three months since the first time I saw you. Your eyes are darker then they were in the hospital. They're hazel now, but they have a lot of green in them. Not quite as bright as your fathers but that's to be expected. I can almost see bits of your father and I in you but I know that's just an illusion- physically I mean.
I don't mention it much, the fact that you're adopted, because it doesn't matter to me. You're ours and your father and I love you very much. I don't want to hide it from you though. One day I know you'll wonder, ask questions. I don't know much about your birth parents but I know that your birth-mother was a sweet girl who wanted you to have a good life with two parents. She wasn't able to support you and through a friend of a friend found us. We were so lucky. Your father and I thought it would be years before we had a baby, part of the reason why we started searching right after college.
You see, I can't have children of my own due to a car accident when I was a child. Your father didn't care about that and for that I love him. I couldn't give him a baby so he worked non-stop to give me one. Yes, your father is the one that found you and his camera was shelved for months till the day we got the call to pick you up. There are only a few things that can tear your father away from that contraption- coffee, sleep, and family.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
It's been a long time since I wrote in here. That was Danyour mother's job. She wrote in it everyday for the first seven and a half months of your life. Everyday without fail. I put her off a lot about writing in it myself. This was hers, part of why I loved her. For her life was about making as many memories as she could and recording them for the future. For when memories grow faint and the mind looses it's sharpness. That's what her books should have been for. They should have been something to look into, enjoy, giggle over when you and your siblings. When you were shipping your mother and I off to a nursing home or burying us into the ground. They should have been something to make you laugh and cry and remember the good old days when you were small and your parents were young.
That was before though, before life changed and I lost my way. I nearly lost you too. It took your Uncle Josh and Chris to knock some sense into me. Almost literally. You're my life baby girl and I can't imagine life without you. I don't want to. It's bad enough that your mother is gone.
I miss her so much. Losing her nearly destroyed me and without you I think I might have. I didn't sign up for this heartache. It isn't something I want. But I can't avoid it. No matter how much I try or want to. The future I envisioned for us, you, me, and your mother is gone and I can't ever get it back.
I lost my way for the first few months after the accident. Imagine that, an accident took away your mothers ability to have a child and now it took her away from her child. I'm sorry, this isn't really the best place to dump my sorrows. Although it's better than a bottle of beer. Your Aunt Mackenzie actually suggested I start doing this. I didn't want to but the therapist I've been seeing also suggested it. Only the therapist said it should be a journal to keep to myself. She even said I could burn the pages if I wanted to after I'd written them. Your mother wouldn't have wanted me to do that though. Danneel would have wanted me to write it down, to share it with you in the future. For her bottling things up wasn't an option. You had to deal with it, record it, analyze, and learn from it.
I don't know what if anything I'll learn from losing her. I don't really want to learn anything... I don't want to be without her. I am though- we are. Nothing can change that.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Happy Birthday baby girl! You've gotten so big! It just seems like yesterday that you could practically fit into the palm of my hand. It's been a rough couple years for us, but we're making do. We moved about six months ago; I doubt you'll remember the old house. It was a ranch style two bedroom house painted a pale blue. Your mother fell in love with it the first time she saw it. There were so many memories in that home- good and bad. I wish we could have stayed there but we couldn't, not on my commissions alone.
Your Grandparents helped out for a year or so, Chris even offered to skip out on his plans of moving to LA to bunk with us for a year or two until I could rebuild some savings. I couldn't let him do that though. He was so helpful after your mother died and now he needs to get back to work. I couldn't rely on others for the rest of my life. So now here we are in a small one bedroom apartment. It's big enough for the two of us right now and we have a bit of a cushion from the sale of the house.
You're sleeping right now, all tired and worn out from a busy day. The whole family was over here, including your Mother's parents. They don't come by often but they care about you. It's just hard since they live so far away. You were such a chatter box today, a regular “Chatty Cathy” according to your Grandmother Ackles.
Aunt Mackenzie bought you a princess dress, pink and frilly, and now I can't get you to take it off. You insisted on wearing it to bed tonight.
I love you baby girl. I can't believe you're already three...
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
I'm going to kill your godfather. At the very least I'm going to maim and torture him. Chris was in town for the week for a show and he insisted I go out and have some fun. Apparently I'm lame for wanting to spend a quiet night at home with my baby girl after working all day at the shop. He volunteered to watch you for the night while I went out with a few other friends to have some 'fun'. It would have been much better if I hadn't come home to find my four year old barfing up candy and ice cream and crying due to a upset stomach. Chris is no longer allowed to babysit you without someone else around.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
It was your first day of school and I think you handled it so much better than I did. You're attending the small elementary school just two blocks down from the two bedroom apartment we moved into three months ago. Between my salary working part time for Morgan's Auto Shop and the money I'm making from photography we're doing alright. I know this isn't the life your Mother and I had envisioned when we adopted you- there is no house, no fenced in yard, no younger sibling for you to play with. I like to think we're doing alright though, that you're happy. Because I am. Happy. For the first time in a long time I'm happy.
Your Mother would have wanted us to be.
~~~~~~A Letter~~~~~~~
January 23, 2007
Dear Jared Padalecki,
The news I'm about to share with you will probably- no definitely come as a shock. How could it not? We spent two years together in high school and were friends for almost a decade. I can still remember the first time we met. I had just moved into town to stay with my Aunt and Uncle, after my parents and brother died. I was crying beneath the tree in the neighborhood park and you came up and gave me a dandelion. It wasn't even a flower anymore, just a ton of tiny seeds. You told me to close my eyes and blow as hard as I could and make a wish. I wished that I would see my family again.
I guess I've gotten my wish, huh? The doctors tell me I don't have much longer to live. It's cancer, inoperable and spreading. I have a tumor in my brain and several dozen other places in my body.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. One of them was the night we spent together after prom... and everything that came after that. I was scared though. You left after Graduation, left to make it big in Hollywood. I guess you got your wish, huh? I've seen a couple episodes of that show you were on... Gilmore Girls I think it was. You did good. I hope it was all you hoped it would be.
I guess I should get to the point. That night, senior prom night, the night we had sex. Crappy, sloppy, sex. Don't take it personal, we were young and I won't hold your lack of stamina against you. Anyway, that night something happened and then you left and nine months later I spent fourteen hours in the worst pain you could ever imagine. That's right Tiger, you got me pregnant. It was wrong of me not to tell you but I didn't want anything to do with you and I was too damaged and too young to take care of a baby.
It was a girl, a perfect little girl. That's what the nurse told me anyway. I never saw her, but I did meet her adoptive parents before she was born. They're good people, perfect and in love. The woman couldn't have children and was just so thankful and the way the husband looked at her... it made me wish that we could have had that. It reminded me of what we had that first year together.
Anyway now you know. My conscious is clear. You have a daughter and she was born on January 2nd, 2001. She has two parents who love her very much, I made sure of that.
I hope you have a long, wonderful life. I really did love you once.
Sincerely,
Sandra McCoy
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Today was your graduation ceremony, hard to believe you're all grown up- well six years old anyway. That's right it was your Kindergarten graduation ceremony. The teacher, Mrs Smith, even had little hats for y'all to wear. You were adorable and I took lots of pictures. The parents even contracted me to take pictures of all the kids- practically on the spot. I know I shouldn't have accepted but you insisted baby girl. Sometimes I think you love photography more than I do.
I bought you a camera for your graduation present this year, just an old crank camera that you can learn the basics on. Your grin was so wide and beautiful; you were so excited! I'm going to teach you all about developing film soon. I've been saving money... I think in a year or two between my commissions from the stock photos, weddings, and miscellaneous events I'm taking pictures for and working at Morgans I should be able to buy a small house. Maybe set up a real dark room and teach you first hand how to develop pictures in a way that doesn't involve a Wal-mart or the computer.
~~~~~~A Letter~~~~~~
18 June 2007
Mr. Padalecki,
You will be pleased to find out that I have successfully completed the job I was hired for. It took some doing, but I was able to locate the biological daughter of Sandra McCoy and yourself born January 2, 2001.
The child in question is living with her father in a small two bedroom apartment in Dallas, TX. From what I was able to gather, her adopted mother, Danneel Ackles, passed away approximately eight months after the birth of your daughter. Since then she has lived with her father a part time mechanic and a freelance photographer whose jobs usually entail weddings, special events, family photos, and High School Senior pictures.
Ackles appears to be lower middle class income wise but is currently debt free. His parents, older brother, and younger sister all live within a two hour drive and appear to visit frequently.
I have enclosed all available contact information as well as a recent school picture of your daughter: Felicity Jaide Ackles. See also the attached file for a more detailed summary of all pertinent information found during my search.
Sincerely,
Zachary Quinto
Zachary Quinto, P.I.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
The fireworks were amazing this year. I took you to the park with Aunt Mackenzie, Uncle Josh and his family. You had a lot of fun with your cousin. There were a lot of booths set up and you dragged me to each one, just to see what they sold. We ended up tyedyeing a frisbee together. It started out purple (your favorite color) and we colored it with yellow, green, blue, a dab of purple, some white, and even a bit of pink. When it was done the person running the machine that spun the frisbee around asked what you wanted written on it and do you know what you said? You told him flat out that you didn't want to write anything on it because it looked like the sunrise behind the picture of your mama next to your bed. You said that it was perfect as it was.
When night fell we all sat on a large quilt your Great-Grandmother made for me and your Mother's wedding and watched the show. You were mesmerized by the sparling colors in the sky, leaning against my chest with eyes only for the skyline. Your cousin cried a little at the loudest booms. I did warn Uncle Josh that he is still a bit young to enjoy the show, but he didn't listen to me.
Afterwards, when I was buckling you into the back seat, you blinked sleepily at me and flat out told me that next year I had to bring the good camera because the fireworks are so pretty and you wanted to be able to show your Mother when we go visit her grave on her birthday.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
I think it's funny how fate works sometimes. I met someone in the park today while taking pictures of a small community event. It was an old car show... I literally backed into him while trying to get the perfect shot of a black 1967 Chevy Impala. You'll probably never believe this and will laugh at me when you're much, much older, but I ran into Jared Padalecki. Yes, THE Jared Padalecki, movie star.
If your mother was alive she'd be laughing at me right now for being so flustered. I never hid the fact that I'm attracted to other men from her and I don't plan on hiding that portion of my life from you either baby girl. It wouldn't be fair to you or me to do that. I loved your mother with all my heart and never cheated on her... but now she's gone and it's just you and me.
You'll never believe this but he asked me out for coffee. I was kind of shocked, I mean I backed into him spilling his drink and he asked me to go with him for coffee. We talked for two hours, until I had to go pick you up from school. It was incredible and he seemed genuinely interested in my work. I'm really not sure what to make of this but he asked if he could see my portfolio and said he might be able to put in a good word for me somewhere.
God is looking out for us baby girl, we may have that little home, and the kitty you've been bugging me about getting, sooner rather than later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jensen,” Jared's voice was raw with emotion, fist curled tight as he leaned heavily against the worn wood of the apartment door. Inches from his forehead the brass number '5' was tilted slightly, the nail holding it in place loosened with time and the strength of his knocking. “I'm sorry. Just, please Jensen... I just want to talk.”
“Go away,” The reply was muffled slightly by the door, but Jared could hear the hissed anger in the words. “There's nothing you could say that would ever make me want to talk to you ever again.”
“Just five minutes, please! Just give me five minutes to explain and then I'll leave. I'll go back to LA and never bother you again. Just give me five minutes Jen-”
“Then you'll go away and stop scaring my daughter?” The question was filled with disbelief and a mixture of emotions that was difficult for the actor to decipher.
“Five minutes and I'll never bother you again.”
“Okay,” There was a pause and Jared could here the slide of the chain lock followed by the click of the bolt and the door knob before it twisted and pulled in. He stepped back, the tip of his boots barely over the edge of the door mat as the door swung open. Immediately he sought out the face of the other man, sweeping over pale, tired features schooled into stillness.
The green eyes were open windows into the older mans soul, though. Hurt, anger, betrayal, heart break. Everything flashing in those orbs was his fault Jared's. His assumptions of the world and how people lived... his lack of insight into the lives of others had caused that pain. Jared would give anything to to take it away once more.
“We're discussing this outside though,” Jensen held up a hand, stopping Jared as he moved forward. “You've upset Lissy enough as it is.”
Swallowing roughly, Jared nodded wishing that hand was just half an inch closer so he could feel the heat of Jensen's skin. He almost could. “Fair enough.”
The apartment complex wasn't the nicest one in the area, but it was by no means the worst. When Jared had first laid eyes on it, however, he had gotten sick to his stomach. The vast difference between his home in LA and the two bedroom one bath apartment was quite unsettling for him. He had been shocked and appalled that his child, his little girl, was growing up in that.
For once Chad was right though, he was spoiled with the wealth he had accumulated after a string of successes that began only a month after his high school graduation. It had taken him too long to figure out that living and working the way Jensen did wasn't what he imagined it to be. For one thing Jensen and Felicity were happy with their life. Sure it wasn't the best situation, but Jensen worked hard to keep them living comfortable and was saving to buy a real home. Jared had just been blinded by the superficial and rushed into everything without thinking.
There was a small, empty play ground at the side of the building with a single bench barely lit by a flickering lamp post. Jared shuffled awkwardly nearby when Jensen dropped down onto the bench, eyes staring down at the tiny round gravel scattered across the sidewalk. He stood there for a moment, just watching the man that had gone from being the stranger his daughter called 'Dad' to his lover and boyfriend in only a few short months. It was funny how the world worked.
“Four minutes,” Jensen's voice cut through his thoughts.
Clearing his throat, Jared moved to sit down next to the photographer on the bench, wincing inwardly when the older man visibly tensed, “I'm sorry Jensen. I know that nothing I say can take back all the pain I caused... and for that I am truly sorry.”
“Then why are you even here?”
“Because I have to try?” Jared tilted his head and slumped forward slightly, leaning towards Jensen and trying to catch his gaze. “Because I was an idiot who acted without thinking and completely misjudged a situation? And by the time I had realized just how wrong I was to even think about-”
“Taking my daughter from me?” Finally Jensen turned his head, eyes still blazing with pain and anger and every other emotion Jared could think of.
“I wasn't thinking. I never even knew she existed till Sandy...” Jared sighed, taking in a deep breath and trying to collect himself before continuing. “She sent me a letter telling me what happened. How she had hidden the fact that I had a daughter, a baby girl, from me and sent her to live with another family. I just wanted to make sure she was okay, happy.”
“And what did you think she was?” Jensen pulled himself away, standing. “How could you ever think that she wasn't happy here? What made you-”
“I don't know... I guess I just saw the apartment and everything and I... I judged,” He ran a hand roughly through his hair, pulling it tight. “I judged you before I ever got to know you. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back but I can't. I want nothing more than to go back to how it was, how we were two days ago.”
“We can't go back to how it was, Jared. Even if I wanted to.”
“I know,” Standing, Jared ran his palms over his thighs. “I'm sorry Jensen. I was wrong, so horribly wrong. If I could make it so I never talked to the lawyers I would, but I wouldn't change getting to know you, loving you or Felicity for anything.”
There was a pause, a long moment that seemed to stretch on for hours but Jared knew it only lasted seconds. A car drove by, the light from the headlights crossing over them and sending weird shadows across the playground and the side of the building.
“What?”
“I said I'd never have contacted-”
“No,” Jensen's hands had unclenched, the right one twitching slightly. “You... the last part. You... you-”
“I do,” Jared took a chance, stepping closer to Jensen. “I couldn't help it because... because you and her... you're so damn happy and perfect. I can't imagine what my life would be like without you two in it. I don't want to because I fell in love with you both. I never meant to but I did. I'm sorry I hurt you Jensen, I always will be because I know that I'll never meet anyone like you again.” He dropped his hand from where it had lifted in the space between them, hovering near Jensen but not close enough to touch. “I guess my times up...” He turned to go, heart aching and a distinct wetness building up along his eyes.
Jared barely made it three steps.
“Wait.”
Pausing, he didn't dare turn around.
“I believe that you're sorry,” There was a pause. A distinct beat that Jared knew meant Jensen was searching for the right words. “I believe you but I can't forgive you. Not yet. But I... I want to. I want to be able to trust you again because I... I care for you and I never thought I'd ever care for someone other than Felicity this much ever again.”
Jared turned, cautiously, taking in the fact that Jensen had moved forward, was watching him with eyes that still held hurt and a little bit of anger but distinctly lacked the rage that had been burning in them before. He stood in place though, letting Jensen take the lead. After what seemed like hours of green eyes searching his own hazel ones, the slightly shorter man stepped closer.
“This isn't going to be easy.”
“Nothing ever is.” Except sometimes, okay a lot of the time, things in Jared's life had seemed pretty easy. Especially the movie career that practically fell into his life.
“You're going to have to work, earning our trust back isn't going to be easy. I don't want Felicity to be put into this situation ever again.”
“She won't be,” Jared stated firmly, insisting and imploring. “And neither will you. I pr-”
“Don't make promises you can't or don't intend to keep.”
They were inches away from each other now, close enough that a quick duck of his head could bring their lips crashing together. Memories of the last time their lips touched, of the night they spent together before the letter arrived with the morning mail filtered through his mind.
“I promise.”
Jensen nodded and he must have seen something in Jared's eyes because the next thing Jared knew was the feel and taste of Jensen's lips against his, the press of calloused hands through the thin material of his immaculate dress shirt, and the knowledge that while things weren't okay one day they would be.
~~~~~~Jensen~~~~~~
Happy Birthday baby girl! Today you turned eight today and managed to tire yourself out pretty quickly...
Papa-Jared took you to the humane society and you two ended up coming home with two puppies. I couldn't believe it. For the past two years all you'd talked about was getting a cat and you just came in the back door, arms full of wriggling puppies...
~~~~~~The End~~~~~~
Note: Before anyone comments on grammar/spelling... I have errors in the "excerpts" on purpose (the story section, not so much).
Thank you every for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it!