Fanfiction: Heroes: If I Could Start Again, A Million Miles Away
Title: If I Could Start Again, A Million Miles Away (I Would Keep Myself, I Would Find A Way)
Rating: R
Characters: Gabriel (With a small appearance by Elle in the end)
Summary: 3x08 centric, Gabriel’s thoughts as he decides to commit suicide.
Warnings: Could be triggering for some.
Word Count: 826
Author’s note: I’ve been wanting to write this fic for a while, and talking to razycrandomgirl today, I remembered that. Plus I realized it was a good fit for the “Release” prompt over at heroes_contest, so it’s a win-win situation for me.
I can fix it, its evolutionary imperative.
Guilt churns and boils inside of Gabriel’s stomach as he fixes the noose. It’s not the first time he’s thought of suicide, not by a long shot. Living such a boring, meaningless life, to be something as insignificant as a watchmaker, who would want to go on living like that? It was depressing enough to make anyone want to end it, really. What was the point of going on in a life that had no higher meaning? No purpose? Knowing that life was so futile, so unchangeable, so hopeless was enough to make him consider the option on more than one occasion in the past.
The only thing that had kept him from going through with anything was that the thought that maybe things could still change. His mother always told him he could be special, and there was this gnawing little voice in the back of his head that told him she was right. He kept waiting for the day someone would come through his door and tell him that everything would be okay. He kept hoping that maybe he was wrong and maybe his mother was right. Maybe he was special. More than just a watchmaker’s son turned watchmaker.
And then he met Chandra Suresh. Everything went to hell after that.
Make it go away.
Gabriel’s grip on the rope tightens a little as he stands to his feet. Part of wishes the geneticist had never come to visit him, never sent him down this path. At least when he thought he was just significant he hadn’t hurt anyone. But that’s no longer true. He’s a murderer now. He’s gone against everything he was raised to believe in. The Bible says that killing is a sin and such crimes should be paid for. An eye for an eye. A life for a life. So he will atone for Brian’s life with his own. Because it’s the right thing to do. Besides, now that he’s had a taste for power, Gabriel is afraid. Gabriel knows he will not be able to stop. If he lives how many will die at his hands, just so he can be special? They say it’s better for one life to be sacrificed for the sake of the many.
He stands on the chair now, trying to stay steady. He briefly wonders what his mother will think when she hears of this. That her precious little Gabriel killed himself. He was supposed to be special. My Gabriel wouldn’t do something like this. She’ll probably blame someone other than him for it, in order to keep her perfect image of him in her head. The devil must have possessed him. My Gabriel would never be so selfish.
If only she knew.
He briefly thinks of calling her up, explaining himself to her, but he’s afraid of that call. If she starts to cry, he’ll lose his nerve. And he can’t. They say that people who call or leave a note before killing themselves are making a cry for help. He supposes the display he made in his closet could count as that, but it doesn’t quite matter at this point. He’s beyond help now. He doubts anything can save him now.
Forgive me.
He takes a deep breath before pulling the noose over his head. The chair slips a bit underneath his feet. The visions of his crime play in his head, over and over again, louder than the ticking of a clock that wasn’t set right. He tightens the noose so it chafes against his skin a little and he gathers whatever courage he has left.
He kicks the chair out from underneath him and suddenly he’s dangling in the air, gasping desperately for air. As the oxygen supply is cut off from his brain his vision blurs and darkens, and for a moment he finally finds release, reprieve from the guilt that has nearly consumed him. It’s painful but there is a beauty in this pain. Salvation through suffering.
But suddenly something goes against his plan, and the rope breaks, sending him crashing to the ground. Despite himself, Gabriel starts gasping for air as a blurred figure runs towards him. Her long blonde hair seems almost like a halo through his blurred vision. She seems almost like an angel, and he can’t help but cling to her as she helps him, loosening the rope from around his neck. She asks if he’s okay and he can only gasp out a few words before burying his head into her chest as he cries, in both fear and relief. Perhaps God is giving him a chance, a way to change. Perhaps this is forgiveness, freedom from the sin he had committed. She brushes his hair back and holds him and he feels safe. For the first time since he had met Chandra, he felt safe.
But what if that second chance isn't enough?
Rating: R
Characters: Gabriel (With a small appearance by Elle in the end)
Summary: 3x08 centric, Gabriel’s thoughts as he decides to commit suicide.
Warnings: Could be triggering for some.
Word Count: 826
Author’s note: I’ve been wanting to write this fic for a while, and talking to razycrandomgirl today, I remembered that. Plus I realized it was a good fit for the “Release” prompt over at heroes_contest, so it’s a win-win situation for me.
I can fix it, its evolutionary imperative.
Guilt churns and boils inside of Gabriel’s stomach as he fixes the noose. It’s not the first time he’s thought of suicide, not by a long shot. Living such a boring, meaningless life, to be something as insignificant as a watchmaker, who would want to go on living like that? It was depressing enough to make anyone want to end it, really. What was the point of going on in a life that had no higher meaning? No purpose? Knowing that life was so futile, so unchangeable, so hopeless was enough to make him consider the option on more than one occasion in the past.
The only thing that had kept him from going through with anything was that the thought that maybe things could still change. His mother always told him he could be special, and there was this gnawing little voice in the back of his head that told him she was right. He kept waiting for the day someone would come through his door and tell him that everything would be okay. He kept hoping that maybe he was wrong and maybe his mother was right. Maybe he was special. More than just a watchmaker’s son turned watchmaker.
And then he met Chandra Suresh. Everything went to hell after that.
Make it go away.
Gabriel’s grip on the rope tightens a little as he stands to his feet. Part of wishes the geneticist had never come to visit him, never sent him down this path. At least when he thought he was just significant he hadn’t hurt anyone. But that’s no longer true. He’s a murderer now. He’s gone against everything he was raised to believe in. The Bible says that killing is a sin and such crimes should be paid for. An eye for an eye. A life for a life. So he will atone for Brian’s life with his own. Because it’s the right thing to do. Besides, now that he’s had a taste for power, Gabriel is afraid. Gabriel knows he will not be able to stop. If he lives how many will die at his hands, just so he can be special? They say it’s better for one life to be sacrificed for the sake of the many.
He stands on the chair now, trying to stay steady. He briefly wonders what his mother will think when she hears of this. That her precious little Gabriel killed himself. He was supposed to be special. My Gabriel wouldn’t do something like this. She’ll probably blame someone other than him for it, in order to keep her perfect image of him in her head. The devil must have possessed him. My Gabriel would never be so selfish.
If only she knew.
He briefly thinks of calling her up, explaining himself to her, but he’s afraid of that call. If she starts to cry, he’ll lose his nerve. And he can’t. They say that people who call or leave a note before killing themselves are making a cry for help. He supposes the display he made in his closet could count as that, but it doesn’t quite matter at this point. He’s beyond help now. He doubts anything can save him now.
Forgive me.
He takes a deep breath before pulling the noose over his head. The chair slips a bit underneath his feet. The visions of his crime play in his head, over and over again, louder than the ticking of a clock that wasn’t set right. He tightens the noose so it chafes against his skin a little and he gathers whatever courage he has left.
He kicks the chair out from underneath him and suddenly he’s dangling in the air, gasping desperately for air. As the oxygen supply is cut off from his brain his vision blurs and darkens, and for a moment he finally finds release, reprieve from the guilt that has nearly consumed him. It’s painful but there is a beauty in this pain. Salvation through suffering.
But suddenly something goes against his plan, and the rope breaks, sending him crashing to the ground. Despite himself, Gabriel starts gasping for air as a blurred figure runs towards him. Her long blonde hair seems almost like a halo through his blurred vision. She seems almost like an angel, and he can’t help but cling to her as she helps him, loosening the rope from around his neck. She asks if he’s okay and he can only gasp out a few words before burying his head into her chest as he cries, in both fear and relief. Perhaps God is giving him a chance, a way to change. Perhaps this is forgiveness, freedom from the sin he had committed. She brushes his hair back and holds him and he feels safe. For the first time since he had met Chandra, he felt safe.
But what if that second chance isn't enough?