Not an easy love
Title: Not an easy love
Author: jayeanne
Pairing(s): Akanishi Jin x Kamenashi Kazuya
Length: one-shot
Rating: NC-17 (for glossed over sex)
Genre: romance, angst
Summary: Well, he didn't want it to be easy. They never did.
Warning: Unbetaed. Cross-posted in akame_ and akame_fanfics.
AN: Stress and boredom makes me crave for angsty akame. Thus, this. Now I go back to ninja mode.
Kamenashi Kazuya. 26 and at the top of the world.
Or at the very least, a mere 500 meters away from the peak of idol mountain. Fifteen consecutive #1 singles, a recently concluded nationwide tour, top-rating drama (that would soon have a movie, thank you very much) plus an actor’s award. On top of that, he still somehow gets to keep his boyhood baseball dreams. Not bad. Not bad at all.
I never wanted it to be easy, he whispers to himself. This, this is what I wanted. Kame gives himself a quick once over, plastering that famous, perfect idol smile on his face. I can do this.
***
This is what I wanted. Jin smiles to himself. It was a few hours before his first ever US solo tour was about to start and, despite of the anxiety and butterflies in his stomach a few days before, now that he was actually standing on-stage, he felt strangely calm. He takes a quick peek behind the curtain, surveying the Nokia theater. Well, the thousand seater hall was definitely a whole lot smaller compared to Tokyo Dome, but what the hell. This, this, was all him. Finally. Only him. Jin Akanishi. Not that he hated being in a group… it was just a little too restricting. When he was younger, he loved being in KAT-TUN. It didn’t feel like actual work - not when he had Koki to pick fights with, [and Yuiichi to pick on], Tat-chan to jam with, Junno to count on lame puns and what-not and of course, there was Kazuya. Kazuya who --- well, what was Kazuya to him exactly? He doesn’t really know. Between the Kazuya of before and the Kame now, Jin can’t really say anymore. He misses them, him. But still.
He’d never trade this, what he has now, for anything in the world. Selfish maybe, but it was his dream. He had given up too much already, just for this moment. No more regrets. He can’t afford to have them. Jin shakes the thought of him off his mind, at least for now and smiles -- a genuine one lighting up his whole face as he makes his way through the curtain, amidst the call of the crowd.
No regrets.
***
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He lifts up his eyes and stares at him. “I’ve never wanted anything more than this.”
A moment passes. They look at each other, gazes never wavering.
“Then, go. Go and never, ever look back okay? No regrets.” He gives him a smile, a real one, one that reaches his eyes making them crinkle at the edges. “I’ll personally drag your ass back out there if --"
He cuts him off, eyes at him, serious as he’ll ever be.
“No regrets.”
***
He moves inside him. He could feel the other’s throbbing flesh penetrating him, touching his innermost depths. He never knew that he could actually feel this way. Like he was on the edge, teetering, torn between fear of falling and actually anticipating the crash. Sweaty bodies colliding against each other, hot puffs of breath, tickling his neck and this, this is everything he could have ever wanted.
“I love you.”
***
But sometimes, no - more like all the time, Kazuya wonders if he was wrong. If they were wrong. If he shouldn’t have let him go, if he should’ve fought harder. He knew from the bottom of his heart, that in spite of the fact that he encouraged him to go and chase his dreams, all that Jin needed was a word from him and he’ll stay.
Stay and never, ever leave him again.
Should I have been more selfish? He sighs and closes his eyes. At the moment, he was all alone inside his room. His part for the shoot of their N.M.P. PV was over and he had at least an hour or so before the others would come barging inside the room. The quiet was almost deafening. Well, he could go out and bother the others while he was waiting, but. Seeing the other four just reminds him painfully of that absent shadow that made them six. Five was a good number; six was a bit of an overkill for a boy band (but hey, at least they were still a lot less than the NEWS before or HSJ, right?). But still. Kame misses being six. It was the way KAT-TUN was formed, all six of them in mind and it was the way they should stay. Right? Trust Jin to mess things up. Kame thinks to himself, trying to smile at his own face. But even the Kazuya in front of him couldn't. Not when he feels too acutely the absence of the other.
Liar, he whispers. You told him ‘no regrets.’
And for the hundredth time since Jin left, Kazuya breaks down and cries.
***
Contrary to what most people think, Jin was not a play boy. Sure, he loved to party, go clubbing, get wild, dance with pretty girls, drink and all that. But he wasn’t a play boy, nor a heart breaker (well, not intentionally, at least.) He was simply enjoying life.
Enjoying? Jin thinks to himself. His own sarcasm wasn’t lost on him as he downs his nth drink for the night.
“Hey, slow down man!” Josh chuckles beside him. “You on a mission or something?”
Jin forces himself to smile at his friend, “Shut it. Can’t a man celebrate in peace?”
“Celebrate is the keyword, man.” Josh turns to him, placing his own drink on the table. He gestures to the empty bottles and glasses surrounding them. “You’re cleaning out the bar.”
Jin takes another swig at his drink. He loved the bitter burn at the back of his throat. “Partyyy!” Jin suddenly yells as he stands up and makes his way towards the floor.
“Jin!”
Jin sways to the thumping music, trying to drown out everything in the noise as he grabs some random girl’s ass, smiling genially at her. “What’s your name?”
The girl smiles back, her hazel brown eyes looking back at him, “Satsuki.” She grabs Jin’s hands and pulls him closer, “Dance with me?”
Jin chuckles. Well, he couldn’t exactly blame her. After all this and this is what they all came here for. Strangers getting lost in the throng of dancing bodies, heavy beats drowning out everything, making them all forget and for now, it was all what Jin wanted to do.