(no subject)
If I were to keep a diary, it would look like this.
Day 8
It was time to explain, and so I went to talk to Michael. He was surprised that I spoke English and asked me why I didn't say anything. I had to tell him that it was because Jin didn't know. He asked why I would learn English and not tell my husband, but he doesn't know Jin. Jin has a bad temper.
A very bad temper, although he didn't always. I told him that what my husband did to him today was a misunderstanding. Michael also misunderstood and thought it was because of the color of his skin; I heard what he said on the beach about Korean people not liking Black people but that wasn't it at all. I told him it was because of the watch, that it belonged to my father. That protecting that watch was a question of honor. Of course, not being Korean, that made little sense to Michael and he was angry again, but he never knew my father.
☼
"Michael, I need your help." There is a way that men have about them that makes them want to rush into action but as I sit with Michael to tell the story he sits too, finally, and listens. My English is not so good as it was when I practiced with Jae every day, but the words come back -- haltingly -- the more I use it. I tell Michael about meeting Jin outside the hotel by the river, about bumping into him, and ask him if he believes in love at first sight. He says no but his eyes tell a different story, one he does not put into words.
I tell Michael about falling in love with Jin. About secret meetings held away from my father's watchful eyes. About Jin's romantic and idealistic nature. About the gift of flowers and about how all I ever wanted from him was the gift of flowers, of simplicity, of love.
I tell Michael about Jin's proposal and his refusal to run away to America with me. About how instead, he insisted on the old-fashioned way of requesting my father's permission for marriage, and of my father granting it... with conditions. About how there would be a year of work in management training and another year of work in the factory and then there would be enough money. And that he was right, and we did get married, and we were happy.
I tell Michael about how things started to change, but I don't tell him why. I don't even tell myself why, but Michael hears that Jin took another job with my father, one that changed him. And that what we had was no longer so good or so happy. I don't tell Michael details because that is private, but he does learn that before this flight, I was going to leave Jin.
I tell Michael about the flower Jin gave me at the airport and how I couldn't leave him after that, and about how we boarded the flight to Los Angeles and about how we maybe -- hopefully -- would have been lost in America. How I loved my husband in that moment, and how I love him still, and how his honor would not let him lose that watch to anyone and about how Michael found it but it didn't matter who was wearing it; Jin was honor-bound to retrieve it. To save face. That it wasn't personal. That it was more than just a watch: it was Jin's entire life being put into question.
I ask Michael to please forgive him. That Jin has a bad temper because he is afraid, but not because he is a bad person. Through the whole story, Michael is silent. At the end he looks at me and nods and picks up the axe he was using to chop wood. The only thing he says before he goes to free Jin is this: "If he ever so much as raises a hand to you, I'll kill him."
I think... Michael wasn't really listening to all of my words. If he had been he would know: Jin would never hurt me. It could only happen the other way around.
☼
Later, after putting as much aloe on his wrist as Jin will allow, he tells me to get dressed for bed. We are at the caves; he says that is the more protected spot and there is privacy, and that he will not let me come to harm, and that it's a miracle that Michael was able to figure out about the watch and that maybe he isn't as stupid as he looks. I have to laugh at his words, but I do not tell him that I love him as I move to our corner of the cave to open my suitcase. Somewhere in here is a nightgown.
It is the same one I wore on our wedding night, but not for very long then. Tonight, I think, will tell a different story.
Day 8
It was time to explain, and so I went to talk to Michael. He was surprised that I spoke English and asked me why I didn't say anything. I had to tell him that it was because Jin didn't know. He asked why I would learn English and not tell my husband, but he doesn't know Jin. Jin has a bad temper.
A very bad temper, although he didn't always. I told him that what my husband did to him today was a misunderstanding. Michael also misunderstood and thought it was because of the color of his skin; I heard what he said on the beach about Korean people not liking Black people but that wasn't it at all. I told him it was because of the watch, that it belonged to my father. That protecting that watch was a question of honor. Of course, not being Korean, that made little sense to Michael and he was angry again, but he never knew my father.
☼
"Michael, I need your help." There is a way that men have about them that makes them want to rush into action but as I sit with Michael to tell the story he sits too, finally, and listens. My English is not so good as it was when I practiced with Jae every day, but the words come back -- haltingly -- the more I use it. I tell Michael about meeting Jin outside the hotel by the river, about bumping into him, and ask him if he believes in love at first sight. He says no but his eyes tell a different story, one he does not put into words.
I tell Michael about falling in love with Jin. About secret meetings held away from my father's watchful eyes. About Jin's romantic and idealistic nature. About the gift of flowers and about how all I ever wanted from him was the gift of flowers, of simplicity, of love.
I tell Michael about Jin's proposal and his refusal to run away to America with me. About how instead, he insisted on the old-fashioned way of requesting my father's permission for marriage, and of my father granting it... with conditions. About how there would be a year of work in management training and another year of work in the factory and then there would be enough money. And that he was right, and we did get married, and we were happy.
I tell Michael about how things started to change, but I don't tell him why. I don't even tell myself why, but Michael hears that Jin took another job with my father, one that changed him. And that what we had was no longer so good or so happy. I don't tell Michael details because that is private, but he does learn that before this flight, I was going to leave Jin.
I tell Michael about the flower Jin gave me at the airport and how I couldn't leave him after that, and about how we boarded the flight to Los Angeles and about how we maybe -- hopefully -- would have been lost in America. How I loved my husband in that moment, and how I love him still, and how his honor would not let him lose that watch to anyone and about how Michael found it but it didn't matter who was wearing it; Jin was honor-bound to retrieve it. To save face. That it wasn't personal. That it was more than just a watch: it was Jin's entire life being put into question.
I ask Michael to please forgive him. That Jin has a bad temper because he is afraid, but not because he is a bad person. Through the whole story, Michael is silent. At the end he looks at me and nods and picks up the axe he was using to chop wood. The only thing he says before he goes to free Jin is this: "If he ever so much as raises a hand to you, I'll kill him."
I think... Michael wasn't really listening to all of my words. If he had been he would know: Jin would never hurt me. It could only happen the other way around.
☼
Later, after putting as much aloe on his wrist as Jin will allow, he tells me to get dressed for bed. We are at the caves; he says that is the more protected spot and there is privacy, and that he will not let me come to harm, and that it's a miracle that Michael was able to figure out about the watch and that maybe he isn't as stupid as he looks. I have to laugh at his words, but I do not tell him that I love him as I move to our corner of the cave to open my suitcase. Somewhere in here is a nightgown.
It is the same one I wore on our wedding night, but not for very long then. Tonight, I think, will tell a different story.