Family Matters: Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter XXII
Harry stepped out of the room with Hermione on his arm. They were immediately besieged by quite a large crowd of people, as most of the teaching staff seemed to have taken up vigil in the Hospital Wing, and Ron, Ginny, and Neville had apparently managed to wangle their way in. Yes, they are Just That Special. Harry and Hermione both flushed themselves down a toilet as they realized how long they had been in there, and thanked Merlin for silencing charms. "Miss Granger!" Flitwick said happily. "How do you feel?"
"Horribly violated!" she replied.
"Isn't that Madame Pomfrey's question?" Harry asked no one in particular, drawing a slight chuckle from the woman in question as she bustled up to them. Hermione sat on one of the hospital beds while the mediwitch ran a quick series of tests. "Everything seems to be in order, blood sugar a little low, and you're a tad dehydrated, dear, make sure you eat and drink something soon ... oh, yes, and the little visitor is doing just fine, too!" It's official. "Little visitor" is the most nausea-inducing euphemism for unborn baby I have yet to hear.
Cut for everyone gushing over Hermione and the magical miracle baby. I think I may vomit.
"Now then ... excuse me, Mr. Potter, would you mind putting me down? Thank you. As I was saying ... I hate to remind you of earlier unpleasantness, but I would like to begin the process of regenerating Professor Snape's injuries. Your stasis is still preventing that. Could I convince you to remove it now?"
Harry snorted. "I suppose so. He really ought to be awake and potentially as whole what does that even mean? as possible for when the Aurors come to pick him up. Let's go wake up Sleeping Ugly." Oh Harry, you have such a devastating wit! He followed her around the screen that shielded the bed of his long-time tormentor, followed by Hermione, who gasped as she saw the ravaged form.
Was it really necessary to do that? she asked him.
He was calling you a whore, and intimating that you sleep with everyone in the castle, not to mention the fact that he severed our bond. He paused. You need to get used to the fact that I will deal with those who go after you, Hermione. I said it earlier in the summer, and I say it again. Your friendship is that pearl beyond price, and your love is more than I deserve. But since you feel I am worth such a gift, then I consider myself your Champion. I will deal with those who demean and belittle my lady. Ew. I need to go shower in bleach now.
Harry tells Hermione about the stupid "line theft" that Malfoy attempted, and Hermione's reaction is to squee over how rich Harry is going to be!
"I certainly believe so," Albus Dumbledore said quietly. "However, delightful as catching up is, Madame Pomfrey is becoming impatient, and dinner awaits the rest of us. Harry, if you would?" He gestured at the still form of Severus Snape. Harry nodded and removed his pants stasis spell. The Potions Master groaned and shuddered-- he had just realized that he was in a Kinsfire fic, and for one horrifying second seemed on the verge of screaming his way to consciousness, before Madame Pomfrey spelled her word correctly and won the Spelling Bee him comatose again.
Dumbledore was attempting to shepherd everyone towards the execution chamber wide double doors when they were flung open and Cornelius Fudge breezed into the room, Percy Weasley and a pair of Aurors in tow behind him.
Fudge objects to all the dueling that's been going on, and he has to be told about the Super Speshul Soul Bond.
"A Muggleborn?" Fudge interjected. "How? Soul bondings are rare enough as it is, but with a Muggleborn?"
"And here we see the biggest problem with the wizarding world," Harry said softly, but loud enough for everyone to hear. "When the Minister for Magic can say something so patently asinine and bigoted, and believe it." He turned to face the Minister. "I hate to tell you this, sir, but my wi ... fiancée is not some highly trained animal. She is a thinking, breathing woman who is a better spell-caster than most of the students in this school, myself included. She studied O.W.L. level potions when she was a second year student. Yet purebloods such as yourself seem to think that she's worthless because her parents weren't from a pureblood family. And none of you see the inherent bigotry in the statement. Come see the violence inherent in the system! 'How could Potter have bonded with something that doesn't qualify as human?' That's what you're really saying." He stopped and inhaled deeply, a sharp sound that worried everyone. "The man who was our Potions professor had similar feelings, and took it upon himself to break our soul bond with a spell that Professor Flitwick apparently thinks should be an Unforgivable. That, and his choosing to call my wife ... sorry, fiancée; we're getting married in a week ... a whore; that was just a little too much for me, so I challenged him to a duel. He lies in that bed over there."
Cut for more people kissing Harry's ass and saying how powerful he is for beating Snape at a duel. Blah blah blah.
"Well, it shouldn't be a problem," Fudge said. "Mister Potter can pay for the regeneration; and the lost wages - out of his considerable fortune, considering he caused the damage."
"Considerable fortune?" Harry asked. "And just what would you know about my finances? Hell, even I didn't know until my emancipation, and then ... Wait a minute. Even I know that banks don't keep all of the money just sitting around. They invest it. Especially with an amount as large as my parents had. Headmaster? Who would have been administering the investments in the trusts after my parents died?" Really? Financial intrigue? Could this story get any more tedious?
"You said yourself that if you want it discussed in private, it can't be on the up and up, Minister. If Mister Potter doesn't mind discussing this under these circumstances, I don't think you have any grounds to object."
"Well obviously I don't have the facts immediately to hand. Nor am I the right person to address in any case. Mister Potter needs to take this up with the Trusts Administration Office ..." his voice trailed off uncertainly.
"... at the Ministry. That explains it right there," said Harry, grimly. "With the Ministry in control of my parents' estate, Fudge and his cronies could skim anything they wanted."
Cut for more thrilling embezzlement scandal. Then Harry does some super powerful wandless magic, because he is just that awesome.
He shook his head. "Wow," was all he could say. Minerva MacGonagall smiled and left the room, but not without Fudge looking as if he wished to kiss her passionately stop her. Harry shook his head and looked at the Minister, and then the Aurors. "I don't blame you. She is one sexy lady. I'm sorry about that, by the way. I had no intention of actually hurting you. I'm not stupid enough to attack the Minister for Magic, even though he annoys me to no end with his attempts to discredit me and call me insane. Some of the problems caused by his cronies, such as Dolores Umbridge," he paused as the name made Fudge wince slightly, "were actually a greater disservice to the Wizarding world; setting Dementors on me is one thing, but she abused the entire rest of the student body here as well."
Cut for more of Harry being obnoxious. You know it's bad when I actually feel bad for Fudge.
Fudge stood before Harry for a moment before emulating the younger Malfoy by fainting. Dumbledore eased his passage to the floor before looking at Harry.Now I'm imagining Fudge swooning into Dumbledore's arms. "I must say that you do seem to live in interesting times, Harry," he finished with a smile.
Fudge was carried to a bed by the Aurors, with Percy fussing over him. Fudge/Percy OTP! Nobody else seemed to be terribly concerned, and it didn't occur even to Percy that the Minister should be revived.
"Now, then," said Dumbledore, assuming the mantle that said he was In Charge Here, and to which the Aurors automatically responded, "I believe you gentlemen have some work to do. Ms. Bones will need to be notified of all this, so that she can start the inquiries into Minister Fudge's conduct, and the Minister's office secured to prevent destruction of evidence. As Supreme Warlock of the Wizengamot, I have authority to order those inquiries, but she should properly supervise them. Except that Dumbledore was removed from the Wizengamot. Then we shall be needing extra Aurors here, as I regret that it will be necessary to take Professor Snape and Mister Draco Malfoy into custody."
"A Malfoy?" said the lead Auror. "What for?"
"Ah, I forgot it hadn't been mentioned so far. Mister Malfoy attempted to commit criminal assault on another student."
"Call it what it is, sir," Hermione said. "He sexually assaulted me in class, physically and magically, then later tried to rape me and commit line theft." She had a stern look on her face.
"Line theft? But that's a totally bogus invention of the typist!... but he ..."
"Exactly," said Dumbledore. "We have eyewitnesses and magical evidence in the form of the spell cast upon Miss Granger to ensure the conception. And since two of the great houses, Malfoy and Potter, are involved, that's a matter for the Wizengamot, over and above the personal insult offered to Miss Granger. Mister Malfoy's mother must be notified as well, immediately, since he is, after all, still underage." Uh oh. They're going to tell his MOMMY on him!
Snip. This story is the worst thing I've read. It is boring, disgusting, and stupid--the great Trifecta of Suck.
Dinner had already started when the teachers, students, Aurors, and Percy entered the Great Hall. Since none of the students had seen Harry, Hermione, or Draco Malfoy after the duel ended, rumour had been running even more rampant than usual, and the arrival of the Minister in high dudgeon had only added fuel to the fire. Harry made sure that his explanations to the Gryffindors were just loud enough to be heard at the neighbouring Hufflepuff table; he was sure that the story would make it across the room to the Slytherin table by the time the meal ended. It turned out that the Prefects of the various houses, plus whatever D.A. members were available, had been dragooned into keeping order among the students before and after the Duel, which had given Ron and Ginny excellent views of the action, which they described from their point of view. Ron, as usual, suitably embellished his narrative, until Harry wondered if he'd been watching the same fight Harry had been in. And what horrible fanfic is complete without some nice Ron bashing?
By the end of the meal, things had begun to calm down, when the arrival of Minerva McGonagall, carrying a thick book and accompanied by Amelia Bones and twelve Aurors, stirred them up again. Dumbledore descended from the heavens wearing a diamond tiara high table to greet Ms. Bones, and the two of them swept out of the Hall at the head of the column of Aurors, Percy trailing along uncertainly in their wake. Professor McGonagall did not follow immediately, but went to the Gryffindor table. "Mister Potter, Miss Granger, when you are done with your dinner, you will be wanted in the Headmaster's office. I have what you needed, and while I did not look at the contents, I was informed by the goblins that you would likely find it to be interesting reading."
Cut because if I wanted to read about stupid financial details, I'd just do my tax returns.
While Doug was bemoaning the conditions of Wizarding accounting, the fireplace roared green It was learning the colors and was very proud of its new-found knowledge, and Narcissa Malfoy's head appeared in the flames.
"Headmaster Dumbledore, may I come to your office? There are Aurors here at my home and they're telling me the most ridiculous things about my son."
Dumbledore tells Narcissa what Draco did. I hate this stupid line-theft thing, and the way that it's being treated as a worse offense than rape.
"Regardless of what the Wizengamot decides, Mister Malfoy's actions are more than sufficient to require his expulsion from Hogwarts. He is currently being held under house arrest in secure quarters, and I have requested the house elves to pack up his belongings to return them to your home. Do you have any questions?"
Mrs. Malfoy hid her face with her hands. "Oh, that stupid, stupid boy! What was he thinking?" Let me guess, she's going to become good so Harry can bang her too, or something.
"He probably wasn't," said Harry candidly. "It's not something he seems to be familiar with."
"He's just like his father. Always thinking he's entitled to anything he wants."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Unfortunately, in addition to everything else, there's the issue of a possible challenge for the insult to your daughter's honour. Mister Potter opted not to challenge, but it is left open for Miss Granger or her parents to do so. Have you made a decision in that regard?" he asked.
"Duelling isn't part of our traditions," said Doug. "I understand there are criminal penalties for his actions?"
And what about Harry? He didn't just attempt rape, he actually did rape Hermione.
"If found guilty of the attempted rape, he will spend time in Azkaban or whatever other facility is designated to hold criminals. If found guilty of the line theft, he will pay the appropriate financial penalties. And, of course, the social consequences will be enormous, since he has disgraced his entire family."
Blah blah blah. More of Narcissa doing a complete 180 and kissing Harry's and Hermione's respective asses.
Harry and Hermione quietly returned to the writing desk, to find that Percy Weasley was leaning over Doug's shoulder, looking at the ledger of transactions. "Percy, what are you doing looking at my financial statements?"
Doug looked puzzled. "Mr. Weasley offered to help, and since he's your friend Ron's brother ... I thought ..."
"Of all Ron's brothers, he's the last one ..."
"Excuse me, Harry, but I really did just want to help," cut in Percy. "And I think I can. I recognize some of these other firms, and I can assure you that they're just short term investment houses. Minister Fudge recommended them to me and I have some of my own money in them. They're good solid investments, and they provide a dependable return. Not large, but dependable, and that's something in these troubled times. This one, LXM Holdings, in particular ..."
More thrilling financial intrigue. Turns out that Lucius Malfoy and Fudge were taking Harry's money. Lucius was using it to fund the Death Eaters and pay for better prison accommodations. Remember when I asked if this story could get any more tedious? I think Kinsfire just answered me.
Narcissa is also divorcing Lucius.
"Will you be all right?"
"Oh, yes, there were settlements made when we married. My own money has been invested safely. I won't be living quite in the same style, but I think an extended trip to the Continent might be good for my health after this anyway. I doubt that my husband's associates will be pleased with what I have done. Now then," she said briskly, "if the Aurors can produce my son so that little matter can be dealt with, I think all of this can be wrapped up fairly shortly."
The Aurors in question having been cooling their heels outside Dumbledore's office for the past several minutes, producing Malfoy was quite rapid. Malfoy himself seemed to be glad to be out of the hallway, which had suddenly become the single most popular route from anywhere in the castle to anywhere else as everyone found a reason to pass by and gawk at him and his penis guards.
"Mother! I am so glad to see you!" Malfoy said, stumbling towards his mother with his hands dramatically covering his face. "You won't believe what they did! They imprisoned me! And tortured me! It was terrible!"
"Really, Albus. Torture?" asked Director Bones.
"We put him in a safe cell in the dungeons. He has received food and water, and even had his own house-elf to wait on him. He was perfectly comfortable."
"Comfortable?!" screeched Malfoy. "You have no idea what that house-elf did to me ...he made me read 'Family Matters'! the things it thought passed as food ... drink ... it insisted on ... on talking to me. All the time! And singing! Oh, the horror!" Realizing that his mother had for some inexplicable reason not taken him into her arms and assured him that all would be well and that she had ordered his tormentors killed, Malfoy risked a peek between his fingers. His mother was just standing there, her arms crossed and her lips pressed into a thin line. "Mother?"
"Draco Malfoy! I have never been so disappointed in my life! I'd ask what you were thinking, except that I'm sure you weren't! A more empty-headed stunt I've never heard of, you little cretin! You are a disgrace to your family!"
Cut for more of Narcissa being completely out of character. You're welcome.
In a surprisingly short time, it was all done. The Aurors were gone, Fudge and Snape were gone, and Harry, Hermione, the Grangers and the teachers were the only ones remaining.
Harry collapsed into an overstuffed armchair. "Wow. I really did not ever expect to have anything like that happen. I'm not dreaming, am I?"
"No, my boy, you're not," said Dumbledore, relaxing into his own chair and steepling his fingers. "But you are trapped in a terrible Harmonian fanfic probably should be. I'd imagine the last two days are going to catch up with you quite shortly, and it would really be advisable for you to be in your bed when that happened, instead of in some random hallway somewhere."
The very suggestion seemed to summon up a yawn, which Hermione echoed. "You may just be right, Professor. I'm looking forward to having the weekend to recover and then just getting back into the regular flow of things, you know?"
"That won't be happening for a while, Harry," Helen said, laughing. "There's going to be a wedding on Thursday, remember?" Oh joy. The only thing I love more than embezzlement scandals are weddings.
"Well, yeah, I remembered that, but that's all set up, right? I just have to show up and stand there and say the stuff, right?"
Helen and Hermione looked at each other and shook their heads sadly. "He has no idea, does he?" Weddings CAN be that simple, you know.
Harry looked to Doug for support, but received none. "Harry, my boy ... you're doomed. Just go along with them if you know what's good for you."
---
By Tuesday, Harry understood exactly what Doug meant. He had no idea there were so many details still to work on for the wedding, or that every single one of them would require his input. He really had no preference as to mock orange or jasmine, or whether to use plain white ribbons or ribbons in the Gryffindor house colours for the seat decorations, Neither do we, so SHUT UP and he had taken to hiding in unused classrooms or broom closets whenever he saw Hermione, Helen, Minerva McGonnagal, or Ginny (who seemed to have appointed herself to the Wedding Committee) coming towards him with a purposeful stride. The Marauder's Map and Invisibility Cloak were his new best friends, and he never went anywhere without them.
Finally, Thursday morning dawned. Hermione had been whisked off to spend the night in her parents' apartment, and Harry had not slept well without her. He rose unnaturally early for him, dressed quickly, and went out to sit on the castle steps and watch the sun come up. The mist slowly dissipated from the lawn, but shreds of it still hung in the shadows of the woods when Harry decided to go back in and see if the house-elves had breakfast on yet. He reached down to pick up the Map from the step where he had placed it, and froze. There were dots, many of them, moving through the mass of stylized trees that marked the Forbidden Forest. The little labels that bore the names overlapped each other and the trees too much to be clear, but Harry's heart started pounding nonetheless. He leaped to his feet and ran to Dumbledore's office, meeting the aged wizard just as he left to go to breakfast. He waved the Map under Dumbledore's nose. "Headmaster, in the Forest," he gasped. "They're coming! The Forbidden Forest is full of Sue Assassins!Death Eaters!"
Chapter 21 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 23