Hello hello.
Title:
Everything Forever, Part 2
Pairing: Nick/Julian
Rating: NC-17 gratuitous cussin’ and sex.
Disclaimer: Never happened. All lies.
Such a shame.
***
When I wake up the first thing I notice is that I’m warm. I snuggle closer into the warmth and I’m a little startled when I feel a pair of arms slide around me and squeeze. I open my eyes and as soon as I see him I remember everything and my first instinct is to scoot up a little and nuzzle at the place under his jaw. He lowers his lips and brushes them over my forehead then settles back into sleep and I wonder if he even really woke up at all or if he’s just kind of on auto pilot.
I consider what happened last night and I wonder what’s going to happen now. Julian likes guys. That’s one of those facts that only people who party with him or hang out backstage with us know. He doesn’t try to hide it or anything but he doesn’t walk around in rainbow shirts or ride a float on Pride day, either. Anyone who goes to the same parties we go to has seen him lip locked on the couch or in a corner with a guy at some point. Once in a while he’ll even leave with one but usually he comes back, sometimes alone sometimes not. I don’t know how far he’s gone because I’ve never asked but I doubt that he stops at kissing and handjobs, especially after what happened last night.
I’d never seriously thought about sleeping with a guy before yesterday. Kissing the boys for fun was a whole lot different from what had happened with Julian. Julian’s the only one of us who gets aggressive with his lips when he gets a few drinks in him. When he gets that way you have two choices: you can give in and let him kiss you until he gets so drunk that he gets either depressed and leaves you alone or he passes out, or you can spend the entire night fighting him off. We all know that the latter is a lost cause and besides, it’s endearing and kind of cute and seriously, the chicks love it. It turns them of to see two guys playing tonsil hockey.
I’m listening to his heartbeat because my ear is pressed right over it and I’m wondering if I was just a willing body or if maybe he’s been thinking about me, too. One of his hands starts to move on my back and I know he’s waking up. It’s a long process with him-getting him out of bed is like pulling teeth, I know that much from years of friendship not to mention touring with him. I feel him kissing the top of my head and I start to smile as he shifts and then I feel him pressing into my thigh and I freeze. Both of his hands are moving down to my ass and I groan when he cups and squeezes. I hear him sigh and then he’s whispering.
“Take your pants off.”
I realize that he’s naked and I’m not, in fact I’m still fully clothed except I have my shoes off. I reach down and work open the button and zip of my jeans and then his hands are sliding them down over my hips. Once they’re past the top half of my thighs he abandons them and his hands move up to touch and caress my hips. Then they’re moving around to my behind again, pulling me closer and now I’m groaning as my dick presses and rubs against his. His hands hook into the hem of one of my shirts and he’s almost rasping “Take it off”, and it’s fucking sexy because when I think of Julian getting it on I never think of him sounding desperate but he does, he sounds as if his life depends on my shirts coming off. I obey him and shimmy out of them and then we’re both naked. It feels good, his silky skin pressed up against me, his feet rubbing my calves and I’m moving up with my eyes closed and when our lips touch heat slams through me and every hair follicle on my body tingles.
He spreads his thighs for me and I kind of nose the tip of my cock up against him, smearing the wetness he’d already brought out in me. I wonder if we need to use anything but he isn’t trying to stop me so I decide to just go for it, because I don’t feel like stopping to find the lube I have in the drawer next to my bed. It’d be ice cold anyway and if we don’t need it why bother?
When I slide inside him everything, every idea, every thought I’ve ever had about Julian dissolves. My elbows rest just beside his ears and I’m using both hands to smooth back his hair as his chin lifts and his lips part. I watch his eye drift shut, the lids a little shiny in spite of the darkness of the skin. His eyelashes are so thick against his cheek that they leave shadows and I can just see his nostrils barely quiver as he makes a soft sound in the back of his throat.
I’ve never felt stronger than him until now. Now he’s underneath me and when I thrust, my belly brushes the curves of his ass and he whimpers as his hands explore my back. They feel good as they slide over my shoulders and I can’t believe how good this feels, can’t believe I’ve waited so long to do this, can’t believe I’ve known him for so long and didn’t know that he was capable of making me feel like this. Every time I push into him it feels better than the last and he seems to think so too because he’s moaning and rocking back against me and his fingers are digging in hard and I can see the sweat beading on his upper lip and forehead so I lean and suck at his lips, let my tongue flick out to clean the wetness away.
There’s so much going on in my head that it’s dizzying, not just the pleasure but the shifting emotions and the way my heart’s feeling-I want to put my arms around him, to crush his body to mine, to kiss him from his forehead right down to his toes. I can’t tear my eyes from him-he’s arching and writhing and his mouth is stretching as his cries come louder and faster and closer together and I can hear the rhythmic slap of skin on skin as I go at him harder and harder, out of control as I skid off the rails and lose myself in him completely.
His tightness feels so good that I’m pulling almost all the way out every time, loving the way it feels when the head of my dick slides back in, loving the way he makes it tighter once he catches on to what I’m doing. His hand is on his own cock now and every vein is his neck is taut and his Adam’s apple is jumping and bobbing in his throat. I look down just in time to see the thick ropes of spunk drop over his belly as he tenses and shudders, going so tight around me that I choke his name and jerk forward, thrusting deep and rocking against him in circles. He’s blinking slowly with dark dazed eyes and they flick up to meet mine and suddenly it’s happening and I’m saying his name over and over and I’m blind, all I see is exploding light as every nerve ending fires off. I’m coming so hard that when it’s over I still can’t see for a good 30 seconds. I slump all over him and rest my chin on his neck as I try to catch my breath.
When I finally look at him again his eyes are a tawny brown and his lips and cheeks still look a little flushed. He reaches to tuck some hair behind my ear and for the first time I notice how delicate his wrists are. They’re fine boned and small. I let my eyes sweep over him and suddenly I don’t see the swaggering boasting alpha male that he’s always represented to me. Now he looks vulnerable and breakable and I find myself feeling protective of him.
I lean down to kiss his lips gently and he strains up to meet me half way. When I pull back his eyelashes are still shivering against his cheeks and it’s dawning on me that all this time I’ve had it wrong. Julian isn’t really a brute with a heart of gold, he’s got a softness that goes beyond that. When his eyes open again they lock onto mine and he smiles and I can’t name the emotion washing over me. I’m a little afraid because I’ve never seen him like this and it’s making me feel kind of weird. It’s also tugging at my heart and that’s strange too because I’m not an overly emotional person. In fact, a lot of my friends think I’m kind of heartless and I guess they’re right. Well, maybe not heartless, maybe cold is a better word.
I’m not gonna lie, a lot of it comes down to arrogance. I know I’m good looking so I know I can get away with a lot. I learned early on that it’s easier to not get too involved or attached to when it comes to other people because you never know who’s gonna stick around for the long haul and who’s going to check out early. Another thing is when you’re in a band and you’re actually getting some attention, people want to be around you and they’ll do anything to achieve that. That goes double for women. I admit it- I treat women like shit but that’s because there’s ten in line for every one I kick to the curb and because I don’t trust them anyway. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve hooked up with only to catch them making eyes at Fab or offering to suck Julian’s dick as soon as my back is turned.
I wouldn’t say I’m bitter, I just know the score and I’m not letting anyone do to me what I’ve seen Julian and Fab and even Albert go through. I’m not planning on letting anyone get that close to me, because it never lasts and it always ends badly. And yet in just a few hours I feel like I’ve never gotten so close to anybody and I feel like just saying fuck it and letting him have any part of me that he wants. It’s scary but I like it. It’s like that feeling when you’re on a rollercoaster and you drop down the first huge hill and you feel like you’re flying and you might die but you don’t even care.
He sits up and reaches for his jeans and pulls out his smokes, lights one and lies back and for a little bit we're quiet. He smokes slowly and when he speaks he’s not looking at me, rather his eyes are fixed on my ceiling. My room's still dark even though it's sometime after noon because the drapes are still pulled and the shade's down. The tip of his smoke brightens as he drags then dims again as he takes it from his lips.
“So is this a secret? You and me?”
I don’t answer right away because I’m not sure myself what I want to do about this. It’s not that I’m ashamed or anything. It’s a lot more complicated than that. We have the band to think about. We have the boys and the media to think about and we have a reputation that’s a huge part of our image. I’d be lying if I said none of that mattered. The band is our livelihood. We’ve put everything we’ve got into it. I know he doesn’t want us to fail and I don’t want that either. And what are we doing anyway? Is this a fling or is it going to be more? It’s too early to know. I know that until a few days ago if someone had told me I’d be seeing and sleeping with a guy I would’ve laughed. If they’d taken it a step further and said I’d be seeing Julian I’d have had ‘em 302’ed.
I take the cigarette from him and inhale thoughtfully. When I reply it’s slow and careful.
“I think that’s probably a good idea. We’re on a winning streak you know? Don’t wanna fuck that up. And what are we doing anyway? Do you think this is like, a thing or just a thing?”
I probably could’ve been a lot less cold right then. He doesn’t say anything, he just shrugs, and when I offer him his smoke back he shakes his head. After a few more drags I crush it out and turn to him. I move so my cheek is resting on his chest and he drops his arm around me. I fall asleep thinking about how good it feels to be so close to him and I wonder what we’ll do tonight. It’s Friday and there’s no excuse to stay in but I kind of want to, I want him to myself. I don’t feel like sharing him, even with the boys. I settle closer to him and turn to kiss his chest then I drift off, warm and happy. When I wake up he’s gone and the bed’s cold again.
He’s not answering his phone. I’m so stupid that I think maybe he’s in the shower, maybe he went home to change his clothes or whatever and I figure I’ll see him at the bar. I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to read but really I want to call him and ask why he left. I don’t want to seem clingy so I don’t, I go to the store and I buy stuff and I come home and I make food and after I eat I shower and get dressed.
I pretend that I don’t care what I put on but it’s a lie. I’m trying to look good, because I want him to see me and want me. I spend almost an hour on my hair, getting it just right, stopping now and then to smoke and to shake my head at myself. Finally the sun starts to set and I head out, dropping my head down against the fucking wind and cursing myself for not wearing gloves again.
As soon as I walk in I see him alright and he’s already drunk. He’s piss drunk and he’s in a booth, half in Anna-Marie’s lap. Anna-Marie’s a nice girl, I can’t really talk too much shit on her except that we’ve all had her. Seriously. She’s slept with all of us. Well she never got Nikolai but she did get Ryan so he kind of cancels Niko out.
Normally I’d think it’s funny, if not sad, that he’s hitting on her but all of a sudden it’s not funny. It’s not even remotely funny. Suddenly I want to beat the crap out of both of them. Our eyes meet and the smile drops off his face. I wait for the guilty look or even a bigger smile, a kind of ‘ha ha ha, just kidding!’ look but it doesn’t come. He just keeps up with that level stare until I look away and I feel like my stomach just dropped out of me and I know it’s gonna be a long night.
Julian’s never had a problem with PDA. If he wants to hold hands or suck someone’s head down his throat he will and he doesn’t care where he is or who’s watching. There’s a part of me that wants to just leave but if I do that then he wins, plus I don’t want him to ruin my night. Or, I don’t want him to know that he’s ruined my night would be a little more accurate. I glance over and he’s got his tongue so far down her throat I bet it’s poking out her ass and I grit my teeth and look away.
Fab hands me a beer and puts an arm around me and I’m grateful and I think about how much I hated him 48 hours ago and I feel guilty. Fab’s a great person and an amazing friend and he’d never do anything to hurt me and I know it. He also has a kind of radar where he knows when you’re feeling down and usually he’ll just make it known that he’s there to listen, he doesn’t pester you to tell him what’s bothering you or anything.
He gives me a squeeze and asks me if I’m feeling better and I nod even though I feel miserable. But he means from the other day; he has no idea that right now Julian is squeezing my heart into a bloody mess of nothingness. He leans and speaks into my ear:
“Fuckin’ Julian. Doesn’t she ever learn?”
He’s referring to the fact that even though Anna-Marie’s slept with all of us she’s in love with Julian. Of course she is. Everyone’s in love with Julian. He’s like this dark mysterious thing, and when he’s really on he could pull tides with his eyes, I swear it. The only people who ever turn him down are people he’s already fucked over, people who’s hearts he’s already broken. He doesn’t mean to, it’s not his fault. He doesn’t mean to make people fall in love with him.
It confuses him how after a night a girl will swear all over the place that she’s in love and seriously, some of them go crazy when it’s time for them to leave. And the thing is, he’s an honest guy. He won’t ask for a number if he doesn’t want it and he won’t lie. If a girl asks if he wants to call her and he doesn’t want to, he’ll tell her no. He’s not trying to be a dick about it, he just doesn’t see the point in lying.
I think about this and then suddenly I feel so fucking stupid that I want to put my head through a wall. What was I thinking? What makes me any different from Anna-Marie or any of the other people he’s slept with? How many of those guys he left all those parties with, or the green room with, have pined and ached for more after a night of his attentions? For the first time in my life I feel sorry for all the girls who’ve rung his phone off the hook and cried all over the rest of us, asking what they did wrong, why he won’t call them back.
The feeling in my stomach’s growing worse by the second and I try to keep myself from looking over at him again but my body doesn’t listen and when our eyes meet I can feel the look on my face but I can’t make it quit. I know I have that stricken deer-in-headlights look and it’s not the cute version that I use to catch girls, it’s the real one where my throat’s so tight I can’t swallow and then my legs unlock and I start walking. I don’t even know where I’m going until I walk through the door and grab onto the lip of the sink. My hands are shaking and I’m trying to breathe normally but I want to cry and that pisses me off so bad that without thinking I slam my fist into the mirror right in front of me.
It stings like fuck and I wince, but it’s more because I don’t want to be barred than because it hurts. The door swings open and I look up and Julian’s staring at me and his eyes get huge.
“What the FUCK!”
He reaches past me and turns on the spigot and his fingers close around my wrist and hold my hand under the water. All I can focus on is his hand touching my skin and I’m turning to face him, I’m kissing him, and it’s a hard possessive kiss, the kind I never thought I’d ever put on anyone. It’s scaring me but he’s taking it and I think he even likes it because he groans and that’s almost too much for me. I think about how her mouth was where mine is just a few seconds ago and suddenly my hands leave his face and I’m gripping his shoulders and shoving him down. He drops like a stone and I look down and see dark blood smeared across his face and smudged into the shoulder of his shirt.
He’s working my belt open then my flies and then he’s shoving my shirt up and kissing and licking and biting at the taut skin of my stomach. I watch him, part of me impassive because he made me want to hurt him in a weird way, the other part of me trying to make sense of the idea that Julian Casablancas is on his knees in front of me, about to put my dick in his mouth. It’s that as much as it’s the pleasure that makes me groan when he slurps all over my tip and I have to reach behind me with one hand and grab at the sink while I rest the other on the top of his head.
He takes me down and starts to move quickly and that’s when I know for sure that this is nothing new for him. My eyes drift shut and I make this soft, almost cooing sound because I’ve never had anyone go down on me like this before. It feels so fucking good-he’s keeping his mouth slick with spit and his teeth are nowhere near me and his tongue’s all over me, velvet-soft and firm. His hands are all over my ass, pulling me close, yanking me deeper and he making all kind of soft noises around me.
I look down and see myself sliding in and out of his mouth and I have to close my eyes hard because it’s too much. I start fucking his mouth because it’s only a matter of time before someone wants in to piss or bang a few rails and time is of the essence plus it feels goddamn good. He’s deep-throating the fuck out of me until I’m starting to shake and my thigh muscles tense up in tandem with the muscles in my belly and suddenly I’m struggling to stifle myself and my fingers are twisting reflexively in his hair and I’m blowing my load in his mouth. I keep moving my hips because he’s still licking and sucking all over me and my fingers relax and I start stroking his hair tenderly. Finally he lets me slip out of my mouth and rests his forehead against my hip, breathing hard.
When he looks up I touch his cheek. The blood’s all dried and he looks fucking gorgeous, there’s a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead and his eyes are black and glittering. I make a slight movement with my head and he’s on his feet and I walk out, not looking to see if he’s following but I know he is. I just now learned something about who’s got the upper hand here and it’s not him. I can’t explain how I know but I do.
Something in his eyes told me when he looked up at me. I could see that he likes to be on his knees in front of me and that makes me fucking hot, I’m not gonna lie. I feel this rush of something and I guess the only word is power and I like it. I’ve never felt that before with another person. It’s always been just me and them and the interaction was purely physical, nothing like this. This is kind of fucking with my head but I think we can probably make this work. I walk out past Fab and Al and nod at them and they look confused but they nod back then I’m outside and without looking over I speak.
“My place.”
He’s stepping out to flag the cab as soon as I say it. We get in and he moves close to me and I put my arm around him. His head is resting on my shoulder and I can smell the booze on his breath. I stare out the window as his hand finds mine and I squeeze gently. I’m feeling that thing again, where I want to protect him and that’s so totally fucking crazy-Julian Casablancas doesn’t need protecting, right? But I feel it and it feels like it’s what he wants and I’m smiling as the lights from outside wash over us and I think we’re gonna be alright.
End
There will be one more part. Hope you're enjoying it so far :)
Everything Forever, Part 2
Pairing: Nick/Julian
Rating: NC-17 gratuitous cussin’ and sex.
Disclaimer: Never happened. All lies.
Such a shame.
***
When I wake up the first thing I notice is that I’m warm. I snuggle closer into the warmth and I’m a little startled when I feel a pair of arms slide around me and squeeze. I open my eyes and as soon as I see him I remember everything and my first instinct is to scoot up a little and nuzzle at the place under his jaw. He lowers his lips and brushes them over my forehead then settles back into sleep and I wonder if he even really woke up at all or if he’s just kind of on auto pilot.
I consider what happened last night and I wonder what’s going to happen now. Julian likes guys. That’s one of those facts that only people who party with him or hang out backstage with us know. He doesn’t try to hide it or anything but he doesn’t walk around in rainbow shirts or ride a float on Pride day, either. Anyone who goes to the same parties we go to has seen him lip locked on the couch or in a corner with a guy at some point. Once in a while he’ll even leave with one but usually he comes back, sometimes alone sometimes not. I don’t know how far he’s gone because I’ve never asked but I doubt that he stops at kissing and handjobs, especially after what happened last night.
I’d never seriously thought about sleeping with a guy before yesterday. Kissing the boys for fun was a whole lot different from what had happened with Julian. Julian’s the only one of us who gets aggressive with his lips when he gets a few drinks in him. When he gets that way you have two choices: you can give in and let him kiss you until he gets so drunk that he gets either depressed and leaves you alone or he passes out, or you can spend the entire night fighting him off. We all know that the latter is a lost cause and besides, it’s endearing and kind of cute and seriously, the chicks love it. It turns them of to see two guys playing tonsil hockey.
I’m listening to his heartbeat because my ear is pressed right over it and I’m wondering if I was just a willing body or if maybe he’s been thinking about me, too. One of his hands starts to move on my back and I know he’s waking up. It’s a long process with him-getting him out of bed is like pulling teeth, I know that much from years of friendship not to mention touring with him. I feel him kissing the top of my head and I start to smile as he shifts and then I feel him pressing into my thigh and I freeze. Both of his hands are moving down to my ass and I groan when he cups and squeezes. I hear him sigh and then he’s whispering.
“Take your pants off.”
I realize that he’s naked and I’m not, in fact I’m still fully clothed except I have my shoes off. I reach down and work open the button and zip of my jeans and then his hands are sliding them down over my hips. Once they’re past the top half of my thighs he abandons them and his hands move up to touch and caress my hips. Then they’re moving around to my behind again, pulling me closer and now I’m groaning as my dick presses and rubs against his. His hands hook into the hem of one of my shirts and he’s almost rasping “Take it off”, and it’s fucking sexy because when I think of Julian getting it on I never think of him sounding desperate but he does, he sounds as if his life depends on my shirts coming off. I obey him and shimmy out of them and then we’re both naked. It feels good, his silky skin pressed up against me, his feet rubbing my calves and I’m moving up with my eyes closed and when our lips touch heat slams through me and every hair follicle on my body tingles.
He spreads his thighs for me and I kind of nose the tip of my cock up against him, smearing the wetness he’d already brought out in me. I wonder if we need to use anything but he isn’t trying to stop me so I decide to just go for it, because I don’t feel like stopping to find the lube I have in the drawer next to my bed. It’d be ice cold anyway and if we don’t need it why bother?
When I slide inside him everything, every idea, every thought I’ve ever had about Julian dissolves. My elbows rest just beside his ears and I’m using both hands to smooth back his hair as his chin lifts and his lips part. I watch his eye drift shut, the lids a little shiny in spite of the darkness of the skin. His eyelashes are so thick against his cheek that they leave shadows and I can just see his nostrils barely quiver as he makes a soft sound in the back of his throat.
I’ve never felt stronger than him until now. Now he’s underneath me and when I thrust, my belly brushes the curves of his ass and he whimpers as his hands explore my back. They feel good as they slide over my shoulders and I can’t believe how good this feels, can’t believe I’ve waited so long to do this, can’t believe I’ve known him for so long and didn’t know that he was capable of making me feel like this. Every time I push into him it feels better than the last and he seems to think so too because he’s moaning and rocking back against me and his fingers are digging in hard and I can see the sweat beading on his upper lip and forehead so I lean and suck at his lips, let my tongue flick out to clean the wetness away.
There’s so much going on in my head that it’s dizzying, not just the pleasure but the shifting emotions and the way my heart’s feeling-I want to put my arms around him, to crush his body to mine, to kiss him from his forehead right down to his toes. I can’t tear my eyes from him-he’s arching and writhing and his mouth is stretching as his cries come louder and faster and closer together and I can hear the rhythmic slap of skin on skin as I go at him harder and harder, out of control as I skid off the rails and lose myself in him completely.
His tightness feels so good that I’m pulling almost all the way out every time, loving the way it feels when the head of my dick slides back in, loving the way he makes it tighter once he catches on to what I’m doing. His hand is on his own cock now and every vein is his neck is taut and his Adam’s apple is jumping and bobbing in his throat. I look down just in time to see the thick ropes of spunk drop over his belly as he tenses and shudders, going so tight around me that I choke his name and jerk forward, thrusting deep and rocking against him in circles. He’s blinking slowly with dark dazed eyes and they flick up to meet mine and suddenly it’s happening and I’m saying his name over and over and I’m blind, all I see is exploding light as every nerve ending fires off. I’m coming so hard that when it’s over I still can’t see for a good 30 seconds. I slump all over him and rest my chin on his neck as I try to catch my breath.
When I finally look at him again his eyes are a tawny brown and his lips and cheeks still look a little flushed. He reaches to tuck some hair behind my ear and for the first time I notice how delicate his wrists are. They’re fine boned and small. I let my eyes sweep over him and suddenly I don’t see the swaggering boasting alpha male that he’s always represented to me. Now he looks vulnerable and breakable and I find myself feeling protective of him.
I lean down to kiss his lips gently and he strains up to meet me half way. When I pull back his eyelashes are still shivering against his cheeks and it’s dawning on me that all this time I’ve had it wrong. Julian isn’t really a brute with a heart of gold, he’s got a softness that goes beyond that. When his eyes open again they lock onto mine and he smiles and I can’t name the emotion washing over me. I’m a little afraid because I’ve never seen him like this and it’s making me feel kind of weird. It’s also tugging at my heart and that’s strange too because I’m not an overly emotional person. In fact, a lot of my friends think I’m kind of heartless and I guess they’re right. Well, maybe not heartless, maybe cold is a better word.
I’m not gonna lie, a lot of it comes down to arrogance. I know I’m good looking so I know I can get away with a lot. I learned early on that it’s easier to not get too involved or attached to when it comes to other people because you never know who’s gonna stick around for the long haul and who’s going to check out early. Another thing is when you’re in a band and you’re actually getting some attention, people want to be around you and they’ll do anything to achieve that. That goes double for women. I admit it- I treat women like shit but that’s because there’s ten in line for every one I kick to the curb and because I don’t trust them anyway. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve hooked up with only to catch them making eyes at Fab or offering to suck Julian’s dick as soon as my back is turned.
I wouldn’t say I’m bitter, I just know the score and I’m not letting anyone do to me what I’ve seen Julian and Fab and even Albert go through. I’m not planning on letting anyone get that close to me, because it never lasts and it always ends badly. And yet in just a few hours I feel like I’ve never gotten so close to anybody and I feel like just saying fuck it and letting him have any part of me that he wants. It’s scary but I like it. It’s like that feeling when you’re on a rollercoaster and you drop down the first huge hill and you feel like you’re flying and you might die but you don’t even care.
He sits up and reaches for his jeans and pulls out his smokes, lights one and lies back and for a little bit we're quiet. He smokes slowly and when he speaks he’s not looking at me, rather his eyes are fixed on my ceiling. My room's still dark even though it's sometime after noon because the drapes are still pulled and the shade's down. The tip of his smoke brightens as he drags then dims again as he takes it from his lips.
“So is this a secret? You and me?”
I don’t answer right away because I’m not sure myself what I want to do about this. It’s not that I’m ashamed or anything. It’s a lot more complicated than that. We have the band to think about. We have the boys and the media to think about and we have a reputation that’s a huge part of our image. I’d be lying if I said none of that mattered. The band is our livelihood. We’ve put everything we’ve got into it. I know he doesn’t want us to fail and I don’t want that either. And what are we doing anyway? Is this a fling or is it going to be more? It’s too early to know. I know that until a few days ago if someone had told me I’d be seeing and sleeping with a guy I would’ve laughed. If they’d taken it a step further and said I’d be seeing Julian I’d have had ‘em 302’ed.
I take the cigarette from him and inhale thoughtfully. When I reply it’s slow and careful.
“I think that’s probably a good idea. We’re on a winning streak you know? Don’t wanna fuck that up. And what are we doing anyway? Do you think this is like, a thing or just a thing?”
I probably could’ve been a lot less cold right then. He doesn’t say anything, he just shrugs, and when I offer him his smoke back he shakes his head. After a few more drags I crush it out and turn to him. I move so my cheek is resting on his chest and he drops his arm around me. I fall asleep thinking about how good it feels to be so close to him and I wonder what we’ll do tonight. It’s Friday and there’s no excuse to stay in but I kind of want to, I want him to myself. I don’t feel like sharing him, even with the boys. I settle closer to him and turn to kiss his chest then I drift off, warm and happy. When I wake up he’s gone and the bed’s cold again.
He’s not answering his phone. I’m so stupid that I think maybe he’s in the shower, maybe he went home to change his clothes or whatever and I figure I’ll see him at the bar. I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to read but really I want to call him and ask why he left. I don’t want to seem clingy so I don’t, I go to the store and I buy stuff and I come home and I make food and after I eat I shower and get dressed.
I pretend that I don’t care what I put on but it’s a lie. I’m trying to look good, because I want him to see me and want me. I spend almost an hour on my hair, getting it just right, stopping now and then to smoke and to shake my head at myself. Finally the sun starts to set and I head out, dropping my head down against the fucking wind and cursing myself for not wearing gloves again.
As soon as I walk in I see him alright and he’s already drunk. He’s piss drunk and he’s in a booth, half in Anna-Marie’s lap. Anna-Marie’s a nice girl, I can’t really talk too much shit on her except that we’ve all had her. Seriously. She’s slept with all of us. Well she never got Nikolai but she did get Ryan so he kind of cancels Niko out.
Normally I’d think it’s funny, if not sad, that he’s hitting on her but all of a sudden it’s not funny. It’s not even remotely funny. Suddenly I want to beat the crap out of both of them. Our eyes meet and the smile drops off his face. I wait for the guilty look or even a bigger smile, a kind of ‘ha ha ha, just kidding!’ look but it doesn’t come. He just keeps up with that level stare until I look away and I feel like my stomach just dropped out of me and I know it’s gonna be a long night.
Julian’s never had a problem with PDA. If he wants to hold hands or suck someone’s head down his throat he will and he doesn’t care where he is or who’s watching. There’s a part of me that wants to just leave but if I do that then he wins, plus I don’t want him to ruin my night. Or, I don’t want him to know that he’s ruined my night would be a little more accurate. I glance over and he’s got his tongue so far down her throat I bet it’s poking out her ass and I grit my teeth and look away.
Fab hands me a beer and puts an arm around me and I’m grateful and I think about how much I hated him 48 hours ago and I feel guilty. Fab’s a great person and an amazing friend and he’d never do anything to hurt me and I know it. He also has a kind of radar where he knows when you’re feeling down and usually he’ll just make it known that he’s there to listen, he doesn’t pester you to tell him what’s bothering you or anything.
He gives me a squeeze and asks me if I’m feeling better and I nod even though I feel miserable. But he means from the other day; he has no idea that right now Julian is squeezing my heart into a bloody mess of nothingness. He leans and speaks into my ear:
“Fuckin’ Julian. Doesn’t she ever learn?”
He’s referring to the fact that even though Anna-Marie’s slept with all of us she’s in love with Julian. Of course she is. Everyone’s in love with Julian. He’s like this dark mysterious thing, and when he’s really on he could pull tides with his eyes, I swear it. The only people who ever turn him down are people he’s already fucked over, people who’s hearts he’s already broken. He doesn’t mean to, it’s not his fault. He doesn’t mean to make people fall in love with him.
It confuses him how after a night a girl will swear all over the place that she’s in love and seriously, some of them go crazy when it’s time for them to leave. And the thing is, he’s an honest guy. He won’t ask for a number if he doesn’t want it and he won’t lie. If a girl asks if he wants to call her and he doesn’t want to, he’ll tell her no. He’s not trying to be a dick about it, he just doesn’t see the point in lying.
I think about this and then suddenly I feel so fucking stupid that I want to put my head through a wall. What was I thinking? What makes me any different from Anna-Marie or any of the other people he’s slept with? How many of those guys he left all those parties with, or the green room with, have pined and ached for more after a night of his attentions? For the first time in my life I feel sorry for all the girls who’ve rung his phone off the hook and cried all over the rest of us, asking what they did wrong, why he won’t call them back.
The feeling in my stomach’s growing worse by the second and I try to keep myself from looking over at him again but my body doesn’t listen and when our eyes meet I can feel the look on my face but I can’t make it quit. I know I have that stricken deer-in-headlights look and it’s not the cute version that I use to catch girls, it’s the real one where my throat’s so tight I can’t swallow and then my legs unlock and I start walking. I don’t even know where I’m going until I walk through the door and grab onto the lip of the sink. My hands are shaking and I’m trying to breathe normally but I want to cry and that pisses me off so bad that without thinking I slam my fist into the mirror right in front of me.
It stings like fuck and I wince, but it’s more because I don’t want to be barred than because it hurts. The door swings open and I look up and Julian’s staring at me and his eyes get huge.
“What the FUCK!”
He reaches past me and turns on the spigot and his fingers close around my wrist and hold my hand under the water. All I can focus on is his hand touching my skin and I’m turning to face him, I’m kissing him, and it’s a hard possessive kiss, the kind I never thought I’d ever put on anyone. It’s scaring me but he’s taking it and I think he even likes it because he groans and that’s almost too much for me. I think about how her mouth was where mine is just a few seconds ago and suddenly my hands leave his face and I’m gripping his shoulders and shoving him down. He drops like a stone and I look down and see dark blood smeared across his face and smudged into the shoulder of his shirt.
He’s working my belt open then my flies and then he’s shoving my shirt up and kissing and licking and biting at the taut skin of my stomach. I watch him, part of me impassive because he made me want to hurt him in a weird way, the other part of me trying to make sense of the idea that Julian Casablancas is on his knees in front of me, about to put my dick in his mouth. It’s that as much as it’s the pleasure that makes me groan when he slurps all over my tip and I have to reach behind me with one hand and grab at the sink while I rest the other on the top of his head.
He takes me down and starts to move quickly and that’s when I know for sure that this is nothing new for him. My eyes drift shut and I make this soft, almost cooing sound because I’ve never had anyone go down on me like this before. It feels so fucking good-he’s keeping his mouth slick with spit and his teeth are nowhere near me and his tongue’s all over me, velvet-soft and firm. His hands are all over my ass, pulling me close, yanking me deeper and he making all kind of soft noises around me.
I look down and see myself sliding in and out of his mouth and I have to close my eyes hard because it’s too much. I start fucking his mouth because it’s only a matter of time before someone wants in to piss or bang a few rails and time is of the essence plus it feels goddamn good. He’s deep-throating the fuck out of me until I’m starting to shake and my thigh muscles tense up in tandem with the muscles in my belly and suddenly I’m struggling to stifle myself and my fingers are twisting reflexively in his hair and I’m blowing my load in his mouth. I keep moving my hips because he’s still licking and sucking all over me and my fingers relax and I start stroking his hair tenderly. Finally he lets me slip out of my mouth and rests his forehead against my hip, breathing hard.
When he looks up I touch his cheek. The blood’s all dried and he looks fucking gorgeous, there’s a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead and his eyes are black and glittering. I make a slight movement with my head and he’s on his feet and I walk out, not looking to see if he’s following but I know he is. I just now learned something about who’s got the upper hand here and it’s not him. I can’t explain how I know but I do.
Something in his eyes told me when he looked up at me. I could see that he likes to be on his knees in front of me and that makes me fucking hot, I’m not gonna lie. I feel this rush of something and I guess the only word is power and I like it. I’ve never felt that before with another person. It’s always been just me and them and the interaction was purely physical, nothing like this. This is kind of fucking with my head but I think we can probably make this work. I walk out past Fab and Al and nod at them and they look confused but they nod back then I’m outside and without looking over I speak.
“My place.”
He’s stepping out to flag the cab as soon as I say it. We get in and he moves close to me and I put my arm around him. His head is resting on my shoulder and I can smell the booze on his breath. I stare out the window as his hand finds mine and I squeeze gently. I’m feeling that thing again, where I want to protect him and that’s so totally fucking crazy-Julian Casablancas doesn’t need protecting, right? But I feel it and it feels like it’s what he wants and I’m smiling as the lights from outside wash over us and I think we’re gonna be alright.
End
There will be one more part. Hope you're enjoying it so far :)