[ys] Go Now (I'm Right Behind You) [5/5]
A/N: So... finally. The finale. :) I hope you all like it, and thank you so much for all the messages, tweets and comments over the past few days; they've meant the world to me!
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When she exits the school building, Joo-hyun is too preoccupied with zipping up her haversack to notice the soft, white flakes falling from the sky. It is only when she slings her bag back on properly, that she realizes the dusting of white all over her shoulders, her coat. Figures, she thinks, sticking out a bare hand to catch some of the flakes. It’s been freezing these past few days.
She sticks her hands into the pockets of her wool coat, her breath fogging even as she breathes out and begins the walk home. It is a crisp evening out, the streets quiet and made even more beautiful by the first snowfall of the season, which paints everything a delicate white. Despite everything, Joo-hyun has to smile at the sight of it all.
Joo-hyun had left school later today, even by her standards - 5 days after coming back from Seoul, there are still lesson plans to be done, marking to catch up on, meetings to share and discuss what she’d seen and learnt about in the review session and Seoul.
If anything, Joo-hyun is thankful to be busy at work; to be having long discussions over changes to exam papers, to be back with her students, to be up marking papers late into the wee hours of the night until she is too exhausted to do anything more than fall into bed and repeat the whole thing over the next day.
Yet, some part of Joo-hyun that won’t let her cheat herself whispers, it’s going to catch up to you eventually. You’re going to have to deal with it.
She knows, knows she should be taking time to properly process everything that happened in Seoul, that happened between her and Yong-hwa. It’s already over and done with, she tries to rationalize weakly with herself on more than one occasion. You just need to let go of the hurt, let go of the bitterness, make your peace with it and move on. It’s that easy, Joo-hyun.
If only it were actually that easy.
It is physically exhausting carrying around this huge knot of hurt in her heart everyday, and Joo-hyun would like nothing better than to put it down, than to go back to her normal life in Jin-hae, a life pre-Seoul, pre-Yong-hwa.
Yet try as she might, it is still there, lodged like a hard little fist between her ribs that she can’t forget about.
So Joo-hyun does the only thing she can: she keeps busy. Tries not to think too much about it, about Seoul or Yong-hwa for that matter. And it works for the most part.
It also helps that she’s not heard a single word from Yong-hwa since her departure from Seoul. There’d been a few missed calls, which she never picked up; a few texts she deleted without looking at, but for the past 3 days, there’s been nothing but silence.
Joo-hyun tells herself that this is better, that this will help her adjust back to life as she knew it before her trip. After all, she thinks, he did say that I would go back to my life in Jin-hae, while he stayed in Seoul. He’s only making good on his word, as he always does.
Joo-hyun closes her eyes against a sudden gust of wind, the sting of snowflakes against her eyes. Unbidden, a flash of her letter to Yong-hwa surfaces in her mind’s eye, blinding and bright. This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me…
Joo-hyun cringes, forces open her eyes because she doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about him for the xth time and -
She comes to such a sudden stop that her body rocks forward in the momentum of her stride, but she manages to keep herself steady on the spot somehow.
I’m dreaming this, she tells herself, rubbing an hand across her eyes. It’s the snow; I’m seeing things, I am, because…
Joo-hyun pulls away her hand from her eyes, but the figure is still standing there, waiting in the snow, looking at his handphone.
It’s not possible. Yong-hwa.
Here in Jin-hae.
Here in Jin-hae.
Just as her thoughts are beginning to even make sense to her, Yong-hwa looks up from his phone. Right at her.
Joo-hyun doesn’t even have to think; her instincts kick in and she turns on her heel, walking as fast as her shoes will let her in the opposite direction, sliding slightly on the icy ground.
“Oh no, you don’t, Seo Joo-hyun!”
And then, Yong-hwa is there, beside her, the warmth and grip of his hand around her arm assuring her that this is very much real, that this is not some winter mirage or something her overworked brain has cooked up. That for some reason, Yong-hwa is back in Jin-hae, standing right next to her, and he looks furious.
“You’re not leaving until you tell me what the hell this is.” Yong-hwa thrusts a white piece of paper before her, his eyes flashing. “What the hell is all of this supposed to mean?”
Joo-hyun’s eyes fall to the paper, which she recognizes as her letter to him, and phrases from her letter bubble up in her mind.I’m going home - thank you for showing me around - I won’t be a burden to you any longer - this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me - I wish you all the best in whatever you do.
She can sense the waves of anger pouring off Yong-hwa, from his flashing eyes to the way he breathes heavily, never taking his eyes off her as if she’ll bolt if he even blinks. An answering flicker of fire sparks to life in Joo-hyun, warm and heady. “It’s a letter,” She says evenly through gritted teeth. “And as to what the hell it means, I’m sure you can read for yourself unless you’ve forgotten the Korean language.”
She yanks her arm fiercely away from Yong-hwa, but his fingers only tighten around her upper arm, holding her firm in place, and she sees now that if anything, her answer has only served to piss him off even further.
“You do not want to play the sarcasm game with me, Seo Joo-hyun!” Yong-hwa shouts, and the sight of Yong-hwa shouting - the usually mild-mannered, even-tempered Yong-hwa - actually shouting at her, of all people, stills her involuntarily. “Do you know what I went through these past days? How I waited for you all night, and worried and fretted that you might be injured, or dead or robbed in Seoul? And I went to your hotel and found this… this… this piece of crap that you don’t want to be a burden to me and that you went home to Jin-hae and you wished me all the best?!”
Yong-hwa opens his mouth, ostensibly to continue, but Joo-hyun can’t bear it any longer.
“That’s right,” She says defiantly, looking back at him right in the eye, because if Jung Yong-hwa thinks that he can waltz back into Jin-hae, yelling at her like he has any kind of right to, he’s got another think coming. “I came home to Jin-hae. Because that’s where I belong, that’s where I’ve always been and that’s where I’ll continue to be as long as I live!”
She doesn’t realize she’s shouting too, doesn’t note the sudden stillness in Yong-hwa’s frame even as he watches her, stunned.
“And you,” Joo-hyun continues raggedly. “You were going to stay in Seoul, living your fancy rockstar dreams, with your big city girlfriend - because that’s who you are now, isn’t it? And there I was, thinking that somehow, that even after you cut me out of your life 5 years ago, this was our chance to rebuild our friendship, to not lose one of the people I considered dearest to me since I was a child.” She laughs, not even caring that her tears are coming down once again, in plain sight for Yong-hwa to see.
Her eyes are so filled with tears; its hard to make out Yong-hwa properly, but Joo-hyun wants to look him in the eye as she says this, wants desperately to hurt him, even if it's just a little fraction of how much he’s hurt her, not just once, but twice, in her 23 years of life.
“I think we’ve established that you don’t care a jot about me, Jung Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun says. “Not since the day you left Jin-hae and broke my heart, not since 5 years ago when you abandoned me without a word, and definitely not now. So, I think it’s perfectly understandable when I ask you to get the hell out of my life and Jin-hae and never come back.”
Joo-hyun is shaking so hard that she can barely see where she’s going even as she walks away, but she only gets so far as a few steps when a pair of arms circle her shoulders, holding her in a tight hug from behind.
After everything that’s been said and done between the pair of them, this shouldn’t mean anything, shouldn’t have any effect on Joo-hyun, but it does.
Joo-hyun physically feels herself break apart in his arms.
She sobs so hard that she can’t even tell apart which parts of her are shaking and which aren’t. All she can feel in that moment is the desperate gasps for air which balloon up in her lungs and rip themselves from her throat, the noises she makes which barely sound human, and most of all, the tears which slide freely from beneath her closed lids, as Joo-hyun tries and fails to hold in everything she’s been carrying around her for so, so long.
Yet, Yong-hwa holds her, all throughout it, with a strength and tightness that makes Joo-hyun cry even harder, because it’s too late, and it hurts too much and I can’t do this all over again.
She thinks he whispers apologies in her ear, thinks he must call her a name a million times over, but Joo-hyun’s heart just hurts too much for her to hear it.
Gradually, her sobs turn into hiccups, and her tears slow down, now cold in the winter air. And then, for a long time, silence and nothing but the sound of falling snow in a quiet street, but Yong-hwa holds on to her, holds on to her like he doesn’t plan on letting her go anytime soon.
Finally, Yong-hwa speaks.
“You were at the apartment,” He says softly and Joo-hyun’s chest hitches involuntarily in a half sob at his words. “You heard everything I said to Hae-in and that’s why you left.”
She feels his face pressed against her ear, her hair, and he must feel the slightest of nods that she gives, because his arms tighten around her even more, as if he can physically hold her together.
A few more seconds pass, but this time, when Yong-hwa speaks, there is nothing but pleading in his voice. “Hyun, I… I want to tell you about what happened 5 years ago.”
She shakes her head, tries to break free, and Yong-hwa must panic, because his arms tighten around her even more. “Please.” He begs, “I just… I want you to know what happened. You don’t have to forgive me, or even like me after this, and I’ll leave, just as you asked me to. I just… I just want you to know what happened. Please?”
Joo-hyun closes her eyes. She doesn’t owe him anything, doesn’t need to listen to his story, but at the same time, she wants to know. Of course she wants to.
Yong-hwa breathes out heavily in something like a sigh and even through her coat, Joo-hyun can feel the sudden tensing of his body, almost as if he’s bracing himself for something difficult, and in spite of herself, she wonders, not for the first time, what really happened to Yong-hwa, five years ago?
“Five years ago," Yong-hwa says heavily. "Your letters were returned or unanswered. Your texts were unanswered and you must have tried to call me, but the number was not in use.”
Even as he recounts this, the memory resurfaces in her brain with stinging clarity and Joo-hyun remembers - remembers the confusion, the hurt, the bewilderment.
His arms rest on her shoulders, encircling her, anchoring her to the present moment. “You’ve always been the smart one. Think, Joo-hyun.” He says quietly. “What happened to me?”
Joo-hyun is quiet for a bit, thinking. What else, if not that he didn’t want to keep in touch with her? What could have happened that made it such that Yong-hwa had no house, no phone...
Her hand flies up to her mouth and in spite of herself, she turns around to face him, eyes wide.
Yong-hwa looks down at her sadly, and she sees the confirmation in his eyes, even as he bites his lip, exhaling. “Yeah,” He says. There is an unexpected wobble in his voice that causes Joo-hyun to freeze mid-breath. “I lost everything.”
“I thought something was wrong.” Joo-hyun whispers, not quite daring to believe it. “I… I thought you might be sick, or run over by a car, or robbed…”
Yong-hwa’s smile is weary, evidently more for her sake than his. “Not quite,” He shakes his head, “But close. The bills started piling up just into my second month in Seoul... what I made from working at the call centre and the convenience store just wasn’t enough."
"I was already dipping into the savings that I brought along with me to cover my expenses. In my third month, I fell behind on rent, and this went on for three more months, until the landlord decided that enough was enough... and he kicked me out.”
Joo-hyun presses a hand against her mouth, because everything is starting to click into place now.
“I was homeless for a bit even before I lost my jobs at the convenience store and call centre. So I, ah, lived on the streets for almost two years.” Yong-hwa tries to smile, but it disappears before it can reach his eyes. “Not a fun experience. So obviously, I had no phone because… because I couldn’t pay for it. Nothing to contact you with. I got some of your last letters; I snuck back into the building to get them, but I had nothing to write you back with. And I think after a while, the new tenant just started sending your letters back to you.”
Joo-hyun’s eyes fill with tears, but not for the same reason as before. She thinks back to the homeless people she saw in Seoul, to the few homeless people living on the streets of Jin-hae, tries to imagine Yong-hwa as one of them, hungry, in ragged clothes, with desolate expressions on their faces and even the thought of it breaks her heart.
She touches his shoulder gently, “Why didn’t you…”
“Come home?” Yong-hwa finishes her sentence, eyes meeting hers.
“It’s not like I didn’t think about it,” He admits. There is something faraway in his eyes, almost as if he is looking back into that period of his life, and Joo-hyun hates the bleakness that shadows his face even as he talks. “It was tempting, especially when I hadn’t eaten in 2 days, and was getting rejected at every other job I was applying to. But…”
“You didn’t want to look like a failure.” Joo-hyun supplies quietly. It is all making sense now to her at least. Yong-hwa has never had a huge ego, but she knows him well enough to know that returning home to Jin-hae wouldn’t have been just a matter of pride to him; it would have meant that Yong-hwa was conceding defeat, that he was admitting that he couldn’t make his dreams come true. That would have been a huge blow to him, and Yong-hwa must see this in Joo-hyun’s eyes because he nods.
But Joo-hyun has another question, “How did you manage to write then to your…”
Yong-hwa’s smile, if possible, grows even sadder. “I bought a pack of postcards one day,” He tells her shakily. “It cost me 1,000 won, and I spent another few thousand won on stamps. That was all I had that day. Took me almost a day before I, ah... well, before people dropped enough cash into my cup so that I could get something to eat."
Joo-hyun bites her lip so hard she can taste blood, because the thought of Yong-hwa oppa, alone, living on the streets by himself, hungry, homeless, begging for cash to get by each day - those are things she would have never imagined. Things she never wants to imagine or even associate with bright, cheerful, strong Yong-hwa oppa, but they happened to him all the same.
“I wrote to Omma, because I knew that if she didn’t hear from me periodically, she would start to worry, start to think that I had died or something and I didn’t want her to worry. Not that I wanted you to worry either too, Hyun,” Yong-hwa sighs now, scrubbing a hand across his face roughly. “I just… I just made a huge mess of things, didn’t I?”
Joo-hyun’s mind skips back to the postcards addressed to Mrs Jung that’d she’d seen. They were cheerful, that’s for sure, but now with this new information in mind, she realizes how starkly generic they’d been - talking about Yong-hwa eating well and keeping busy, but with no real specifics about what was really going on then so as not to worry Mrs Jung. Lies which were easier to tell, especially when there wasn't a need for details, Joo-hyun realizes. No return address for Mrs Jung to write letters to because there wasn't one.
Yong-hwa keeps on talking.
“I wanted to send you a postcard too, Hyun.” Joo-hyun realizes that Yong-hwa is looking at her now, the look on his face so earnestly vulnerable that Joo-hyun can't help but soften. “I… I don’t even know why I didn’t write. It was stupid. But I just... I just kept thinking of you back here in Jin-hae, being so proud of me for making it in Seoul, and now I had to write and tell you that I’d lost everything and that I was living on the streets…”
Yong-hwa rubs fiercely at his eyes, choking up, and Joo-hyun’s heart aches even just to see him like this.
“So I didn’t write,” He says, and Joo-hyun can see his tears, glistening drops in the lamplight. “I didn’t write because… because I was just so ashamed and unhappy and I didn’t want you to know any of it. I just kept thinking, I’ll write when things get better. I’ll write and hopefully, she’ll forgive me, because we’re best friends. She has to, right?”
Joo-hyun wipes at her own eyes.
“And when things finally did get better after 2 years, when I was somewhat back on my feet, I… I…” Yong-hwa rubs an arm across his wet eyes, looking down, blinking fast. “I couldn’t think of an excuse to explain why I had been quiet for so long. I thought that we’d not talked in so long, that maybe you were happier without knowing why I had disappeared, and that… maybe it might just have been best for me to vanish completely from your life.”
Yong-hwa shakes his head. “And then, 3 years later, you show up in a bar. In Seoul. At my gig.”
Joo-hyun can only watch, can only take one last breath as Yong-hwa takes his last few steps towards her, pulling her close to him until there is no space left between the pair of them. This close, Joo-hyun sees the wetness on his own cheeks, the last tiny droplets of tears on his eyelids, barely distinguishable from the flakes of snow landing on the stretch of skin below his eyes, on his cheeks.
“You want to know why I’m back here in Jin-hae?” Yong-hwa oppa breathes softly, so softly that it’s a miracle Joo-hyun can hear him over the heartbeat ringing in her ears.
She shakes her head mutely.
“Because Hyun,” He tells her, a hand coming up to cup her cheek. “I’m convinced this isn’t the end for us.”
And then, there it is; everything is a blur but also utterly in focus at the same time, Yong-hwa oppa’s eyelashes, dusted with snowflakes, the way he looks at her like she’s the axis on which his universe spins, the way he leans in and the smell of him -
The minute his lips touch hers, the chaos in Joo-hyun’s mind comes to a blessed silence and all she does is let everything in her feel; the way it feels to be back in Yong-hwa oppa’s arms, the way she can taste so palpably the love and sorrow in his lips, the safety she feels just being here with him. It is almost as if the two of them have spent the longest time running circles around each other, just missing the other, before finally, finally colliding with one another around the next street corner. Home, Joo-hyun manages fuzzily. It feels a lot like coming home.
And though it’s far from perfect and there are so many things that need to be talked about, Joo-hyun does the only thing she can do - which is to let herself be in this moment, where everything finally begins to make perfect sense, where everything is finally beginning to fall into place.
She pulls away first, not wanting it to end, but still, she keeps her forehead pressed to his, and Yong-hwa oppa rubs his nose against hers, softly, tenderly. His eyes look at her with an unbearable sweetness that makes Joo-hyun both want to look away and not look away, and she exhales shakily, because wow.
But there are things they have to talk about, and so Joo-hyun steps back a little, licking her lips. “Oppa,” She says, not missing the way his eyes light up at that. “I hate to say this, but… but Hae-in…”
Some of the glow dies from Yong-hwa’s face; shame and guilt clearly color his features. “I know,” He says somberly. “I… I broke up with her before I came down here. I had to.” He says at the look of concern on her face. “I mean, I cared for her. I still do. But…”
“But it’s you, Hyun.” He says softly. “And no one else is going to match up, not as long as you’re around, and… I’m sorry to Hae-in; I really am, but… this is how I feel. This is how I’ve always felt - right from the start, even before I left Jin-hae.”
His confession, though not surprising, still manages to send Joo-hyun reeling, but Yong-hwa oppa distracts her in the next minute with his question. “You said, I broke your heart when I left Jin-hae the first time.” There is something so hopeful in his eyes, that makes Joo-hyun’s heart soften. “Did you… did you mean that?”
Joo-hyun ponders his question, even though those were words that escaped her initially in heightened emotions. Still, that doesn’t mean that those words aren’t the truth. “Yes,” She admits, aware that Yong-hwa oppa is watching her closely, hanging on her every word. “At first, I thought I was devastated because you were my best friend, and you were leaving me behind in Jin-hae. I thought it was just that much.”
“But… I think… even though I didn’t realize it back then, there was already much more going on than I was aware of.” Joo-hyun says slowly, rubbing the edge of her nose as she puzzles out feelings that have never quite occurred to her, which have been hovering in the shadows of her subconscious. She looks up at him. “I knew I had to let you go, to let you chase your dreams because that’s what you do for the people you love, but at the same time…” She laughs shakily. “It broke my heart to let you go, and it broke my heart all over again when I thought I’d lost you without reason.”
Just as she hoped, Yong-hwa oppa catches that word that she’s slipped into her little monologue and his eyes are aglow in a way that makes her heart weightless, even as he steps forward to embrace her. Joo-hyun simply leans her head against his shoulder, feeling the press of his lips against the crown of her head, hearing him whisper her name like she’s something exquisitely precious. And all she can do is to close her eyes, because in a matter of minutes, they have surpassed years of silence and mistakes, gone from being best friends, to strangers, to something else altogether - and it is both strange and wonderful in the same heartbeat and yet, Joo-hyun wouldn’t change any part of how this is unfolding.
But she exhales deeply out, and maybe Yong-hwa oppa can feel some of her sudden tension because they break away and he looks at her with concern in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
Joo-hyun shakes her head, trying for a smile that she can't quite reach. “It’s just…” She shrugs her shoulders helplessly. “I’m here in Jin-hae, and you’re in Seoul now. The same things that kept us apart are still in place now… nothing has changed.”
Yet, even at her words, Yong-hwa oppa has a faintly bemused smile on his lips. He keeps his hands on her elbows, holding her close, keeping her steady and Joo-hyun can only watch the spark of affectionate amusement grow in his eyes. “I disagree, Seo Joo-hyun,” is all he says. “I think everything has changed.”
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EPILOGUE
Joo-hyun sits alone in the bus station, jiggling her foot in a bout of anxious energy, only stopping when the elderly lady at the end of the bench gives her a look. Is it just me, she thinks, lifting a hand to wipe away some of the sweat gathering on her forehead, Or is this summer just unnaturally hot?
Even in shorts and sandals, it’s still sweltering in the Jin-hae bus station, but that could also be because of the number of people in the station. Jin-hae sees its highest volume of tourists in spring because of the cherry blossoms that’s for sure, but summer is also one of the peak periods for visitors, and so the bus station is surprisingly packed, with students from neighbouring provinces, families who’ve driven up for a day trip and even soldiers passing through on their way to the basic military training facility.
It’s a mad crush of activity, but Joo-hyun waits still, checking the time on her watch. 10.15 am. Still 10 minutes to go at least, if there isn’t a traffic jam from Seoul to Jin-hae this morning.
3 months ago, when Yong-hwa oppa had returned home to Jin-hae, there’d been screams and surprises all around - screams of joy from Mrs Jung, who’d promptly started scolding her son a few seconds after for only returning home once after 5 long years, and twin looks of surprise from both the Seo and Jung families, when Yong-hwa had immediately asked for permission from the Seos to date Joo-hyun. Still, Joo-hyun smiles fondly at the memory of the both mothers, exchanging sly but perceptible grins of delight after Yong-hwa had made his announcement - it seemed like this was something both mothers had been rooting for all this time. We finally caught up to them after all.
Yong-hwa oppa also had a reason for declaring this to both families - he wanted Joo-hyun to be able to come up to Seoul and visit on weekends without anyone querying her frequent trips up. Since then, Joo-hyun has gone up to Seoul at least twice - both their schedules had been crazily busy and finding a time to visit was difficult. Today is Yong-hwa oppa’s first return to Jin-hae since 3 months ago.
It’d surprised Joo-hyun how easily the pair of them fell back into their habit of writing letters and texting. Of course, Yong-hwa texts her more frequently now, and they talk on the phone every two nights as much as they can without busting their phone bills. But Joo-hyun still loves the letters most; letters which come regularly every 2 weeks, sometimes short, sometimes long, yet never failing to make her laugh or make her smile.
She pulls out his last letter to her, which arrived in Jin-hae a week earlier.
We have an audition with FNC Entertainment on 8 June, he writes with some obvious excitement. It’s still a time away obviously - this was the only date the CEO could fit us in, but it’s good. Gives us time to practice and get some new material in order for the audition. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that this won’t affect our summer plans in Jin-hae.
Joo-hyun smiles.
Whatever it is, I’m looking forward to it. It could be nothing at all, or something else altogether. I think that’s the most exciting thing - not knowing what could be waiting just around the corner. We’ll have to wait and see.
I’m also happy to report, he writes more somberly. That I’ve paid off all my outstanding rent fees, with some help from my parents. Thank you for making me tell them that last time I was in Jin-hae. It was hard; I hated taking money from them - but at the same time, I won’t deny that it feels good not to be in debt. I’m working on paying them back - does 50,000 won in a glass jar on my counter count? Anyway, I’m on top of my rent payments at long last, and I plan to keep it that way.
His last paragraph reads, To sum up, everything in Seoul is almost perfect - almost, because it can’t be perfect, not if you’re all the way there in Jin-hae.
Joo-hyun looks up at the sudden rumble of an engine, a bus pulling into the station and stopping at the kerb.
She folds up the letter, puts it into her bag and stands up. I can’t wait to see you in a week.
The first to disembark is an elderly man, followed by a young couple holding hands and then a woman in a blazer, talking into her cellphone.
I love you and I’ll see you soon.
Then, a tall familiar figure, guitar case in one hand, descends and Joo-hyun smiles.
She doesn’t even know she’s running, running to meet him; all she sees is his side profile first, then his face, beaming even as he drops his guitar case, picking her up and swinging her round and Joo-hyun has to laugh at that; full-blown cheesy, romantic Jung Yong-hwa, but she’s probably just as bad because she honestly doesn’t care about anything else right now except the fact that Yong-hwa oppa is here in Jin-hae with her. At long last.
“Hi,” She whispers, brushing a hand across his cheek. Those eyes, she thinks. Those bright, shining eyes which can turn her world right side up. “Welcome home.”
Yong-hwa oppa grins back at her, lowering her a little so he can brush his nose against hers. His arms are firm and strong around her waist. “Hi,” He echoes, his eyes crinkling in the brightest of smiles. “It’s good to be home.”
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When she exits the school building, Joo-hyun is too preoccupied with zipping up her haversack to notice the soft, white flakes falling from the sky. It is only when she slings her bag back on properly, that she realizes the dusting of white all over her shoulders, her coat. Figures, she thinks, sticking out a bare hand to catch some of the flakes. It’s been freezing these past few days.
She sticks her hands into the pockets of her wool coat, her breath fogging even as she breathes out and begins the walk home. It is a crisp evening out, the streets quiet and made even more beautiful by the first snowfall of the season, which paints everything a delicate white. Despite everything, Joo-hyun has to smile at the sight of it all.
Joo-hyun had left school later today, even by her standards - 5 days after coming back from Seoul, there are still lesson plans to be done, marking to catch up on, meetings to share and discuss what she’d seen and learnt about in the review session and Seoul.
If anything, Joo-hyun is thankful to be busy at work; to be having long discussions over changes to exam papers, to be back with her students, to be up marking papers late into the wee hours of the night until she is too exhausted to do anything more than fall into bed and repeat the whole thing over the next day.
Yet, some part of Joo-hyun that won’t let her cheat herself whispers, it’s going to catch up to you eventually. You’re going to have to deal with it.
She knows, knows she should be taking time to properly process everything that happened in Seoul, that happened between her and Yong-hwa. It’s already over and done with, she tries to rationalize weakly with herself on more than one occasion. You just need to let go of the hurt, let go of the bitterness, make your peace with it and move on. It’s that easy, Joo-hyun.
If only it were actually that easy.
It is physically exhausting carrying around this huge knot of hurt in her heart everyday, and Joo-hyun would like nothing better than to put it down, than to go back to her normal life in Jin-hae, a life pre-Seoul, pre-Yong-hwa.
Yet try as she might, it is still there, lodged like a hard little fist between her ribs that she can’t forget about.
So Joo-hyun does the only thing she can: she keeps busy. Tries not to think too much about it, about Seoul or Yong-hwa for that matter. And it works for the most part.
It also helps that she’s not heard a single word from Yong-hwa since her departure from Seoul. There’d been a few missed calls, which she never picked up; a few texts she deleted without looking at, but for the past 3 days, there’s been nothing but silence.
Joo-hyun tells herself that this is better, that this will help her adjust back to life as she knew it before her trip. After all, she thinks, he did say that I would go back to my life in Jin-hae, while he stayed in Seoul. He’s only making good on his word, as he always does.
Joo-hyun closes her eyes against a sudden gust of wind, the sting of snowflakes against her eyes. Unbidden, a flash of her letter to Yong-hwa surfaces in her mind’s eye, blinding and bright. This is the last time you’ll ever hear from me…
Joo-hyun cringes, forces open her eyes because she doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about him for the xth time and -
She comes to such a sudden stop that her body rocks forward in the momentum of her stride, but she manages to keep herself steady on the spot somehow.
I’m dreaming this, she tells herself, rubbing an hand across her eyes. It’s the snow; I’m seeing things, I am, because…
Joo-hyun pulls away her hand from her eyes, but the figure is still standing there, waiting in the snow, looking at his handphone.
It’s not possible. Yong-hwa.
Here in Jin-hae.
Here in Jin-hae.
Just as her thoughts are beginning to even make sense to her, Yong-hwa looks up from his phone. Right at her.
Joo-hyun doesn’t even have to think; her instincts kick in and she turns on her heel, walking as fast as her shoes will let her in the opposite direction, sliding slightly on the icy ground.
“Oh no, you don’t, Seo Joo-hyun!”
And then, Yong-hwa is there, beside her, the warmth and grip of his hand around her arm assuring her that this is very much real, that this is not some winter mirage or something her overworked brain has cooked up. That for some reason, Yong-hwa is back in Jin-hae, standing right next to her, and he looks furious.
“You’re not leaving until you tell me what the hell this is.” Yong-hwa thrusts a white piece of paper before her, his eyes flashing. “What the hell is all of this supposed to mean?”
Joo-hyun’s eyes fall to the paper, which she recognizes as her letter to him, and phrases from her letter bubble up in her mind.I’m going home - thank you for showing me around - I won’t be a burden to you any longer - this is the last time you’ll ever hear from me - I wish you all the best in whatever you do.
She can sense the waves of anger pouring off Yong-hwa, from his flashing eyes to the way he breathes heavily, never taking his eyes off her as if she’ll bolt if he even blinks. An answering flicker of fire sparks to life in Joo-hyun, warm and heady. “It’s a letter,” She says evenly through gritted teeth. “And as to what the hell it means, I’m sure you can read for yourself unless you’ve forgotten the Korean language.”
She yanks her arm fiercely away from Yong-hwa, but his fingers only tighten around her upper arm, holding her firm in place, and she sees now that if anything, her answer has only served to piss him off even further.
“You do not want to play the sarcasm game with me, Seo Joo-hyun!” Yong-hwa shouts, and the sight of Yong-hwa shouting - the usually mild-mannered, even-tempered Yong-hwa - actually shouting at her, of all people, stills her involuntarily. “Do you know what I went through these past days? How I waited for you all night, and worried and fretted that you might be injured, or dead or robbed in Seoul? And I went to your hotel and found this… this… this piece of crap that you don’t want to be a burden to me and that you went home to Jin-hae and you wished me all the best?!”
Yong-hwa opens his mouth, ostensibly to continue, but Joo-hyun can’t bear it any longer.
“That’s right,” She says defiantly, looking back at him right in the eye, because if Jung Yong-hwa thinks that he can waltz back into Jin-hae, yelling at her like he has any kind of right to, he’s got another think coming. “I came home to Jin-hae. Because that’s where I belong, that’s where I’ve always been and that’s where I’ll continue to be as long as I live!”
She doesn’t realize she’s shouting too, doesn’t note the sudden stillness in Yong-hwa’s frame even as he watches her, stunned.
“And you,” Joo-hyun continues raggedly. “You were going to stay in Seoul, living your fancy rockstar dreams, with your big city girlfriend - because that’s who you are now, isn’t it? And there I was, thinking that somehow, that even after you cut me out of your life 5 years ago, this was our chance to rebuild our friendship, to not lose one of the people I considered dearest to me since I was a child.” She laughs, not even caring that her tears are coming down once again, in plain sight for Yong-hwa to see.
Her eyes are so filled with tears; its hard to make out Yong-hwa properly, but Joo-hyun wants to look him in the eye as she says this, wants desperately to hurt him, even if it's just a little fraction of how much he’s hurt her, not just once, but twice, in her 23 years of life.
“I think we’ve established that you don’t care a jot about me, Jung Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun says. “Not since the day you left Jin-hae and broke my heart, not since 5 years ago when you abandoned me without a word, and definitely not now. So, I think it’s perfectly understandable when I ask you to get the hell out of my life and Jin-hae and never come back.”
Joo-hyun is shaking so hard that she can barely see where she’s going even as she walks away, but she only gets so far as a few steps when a pair of arms circle her shoulders, holding her in a tight hug from behind.
After everything that’s been said and done between the pair of them, this shouldn’t mean anything, shouldn’t have any effect on Joo-hyun, but it does.
Joo-hyun physically feels herself break apart in his arms.
She sobs so hard that she can’t even tell apart which parts of her are shaking and which aren’t. All she can feel in that moment is the desperate gasps for air which balloon up in her lungs and rip themselves from her throat, the noises she makes which barely sound human, and most of all, the tears which slide freely from beneath her closed lids, as Joo-hyun tries and fails to hold in everything she’s been carrying around her for so, so long.
Yet, Yong-hwa holds her, all throughout it, with a strength and tightness that makes Joo-hyun cry even harder, because it’s too late, and it hurts too much and I can’t do this all over again.
She thinks he whispers apologies in her ear, thinks he must call her a name a million times over, but Joo-hyun’s heart just hurts too much for her to hear it.
Gradually, her sobs turn into hiccups, and her tears slow down, now cold in the winter air. And then, for a long time, silence and nothing but the sound of falling snow in a quiet street, but Yong-hwa holds on to her, holds on to her like he doesn’t plan on letting her go anytime soon.
Finally, Yong-hwa speaks.
“You were at the apartment,” He says softly and Joo-hyun’s chest hitches involuntarily in a half sob at his words. “You heard everything I said to Hae-in and that’s why you left.”
She feels his face pressed against her ear, her hair, and he must feel the slightest of nods that she gives, because his arms tighten around her even more, as if he can physically hold her together.
A few more seconds pass, but this time, when Yong-hwa speaks, there is nothing but pleading in his voice. “Hyun, I… I want to tell you about what happened 5 years ago.”
She shakes her head, tries to break free, and Yong-hwa must panic, because his arms tighten around her even more. “Please.” He begs, “I just… I want you to know what happened. You don’t have to forgive me, or even like me after this, and I’ll leave, just as you asked me to. I just… I just want you to know what happened. Please?”
Joo-hyun closes her eyes. She doesn’t owe him anything, doesn’t need to listen to his story, but at the same time, she wants to know. Of course she wants to.
Yong-hwa breathes out heavily in something like a sigh and even through her coat, Joo-hyun can feel the sudden tensing of his body, almost as if he’s bracing himself for something difficult, and in spite of herself, she wonders, not for the first time, what really happened to Yong-hwa, five years ago?
“Five years ago," Yong-hwa says heavily. "Your letters were returned or unanswered. Your texts were unanswered and you must have tried to call me, but the number was not in use.”
Even as he recounts this, the memory resurfaces in her brain with stinging clarity and Joo-hyun remembers - remembers the confusion, the hurt, the bewilderment.
His arms rest on her shoulders, encircling her, anchoring her to the present moment. “You’ve always been the smart one. Think, Joo-hyun.” He says quietly. “What happened to me?”
Joo-hyun is quiet for a bit, thinking. What else, if not that he didn’t want to keep in touch with her? What could have happened that made it such that Yong-hwa had no house, no phone...
Her hand flies up to her mouth and in spite of herself, she turns around to face him, eyes wide.
Yong-hwa looks down at her sadly, and she sees the confirmation in his eyes, even as he bites his lip, exhaling. “Yeah,” He says. There is an unexpected wobble in his voice that causes Joo-hyun to freeze mid-breath. “I lost everything.”
“I thought something was wrong.” Joo-hyun whispers, not quite daring to believe it. “I… I thought you might be sick, or run over by a car, or robbed…”
Yong-hwa’s smile is weary, evidently more for her sake than his. “Not quite,” He shakes his head, “But close. The bills started piling up just into my second month in Seoul... what I made from working at the call centre and the convenience store just wasn’t enough."
"I was already dipping into the savings that I brought along with me to cover my expenses. In my third month, I fell behind on rent, and this went on for three more months, until the landlord decided that enough was enough... and he kicked me out.”
Joo-hyun presses a hand against her mouth, because everything is starting to click into place now.
“I was homeless for a bit even before I lost my jobs at the convenience store and call centre. So I, ah, lived on the streets for almost two years.” Yong-hwa tries to smile, but it disappears before it can reach his eyes. “Not a fun experience. So obviously, I had no phone because… because I couldn’t pay for it. Nothing to contact you with. I got some of your last letters; I snuck back into the building to get them, but I had nothing to write you back with. And I think after a while, the new tenant just started sending your letters back to you.”
Joo-hyun’s eyes fill with tears, but not for the same reason as before. She thinks back to the homeless people she saw in Seoul, to the few homeless people living on the streets of Jin-hae, tries to imagine Yong-hwa as one of them, hungry, in ragged clothes, with desolate expressions on their faces and even the thought of it breaks her heart.
She touches his shoulder gently, “Why didn’t you…”
“Come home?” Yong-hwa finishes her sentence, eyes meeting hers.
“It’s not like I didn’t think about it,” He admits. There is something faraway in his eyes, almost as if he is looking back into that period of his life, and Joo-hyun hates the bleakness that shadows his face even as he talks. “It was tempting, especially when I hadn’t eaten in 2 days, and was getting rejected at every other job I was applying to. But…”
“You didn’t want to look like a failure.” Joo-hyun supplies quietly. It is all making sense now to her at least. Yong-hwa has never had a huge ego, but she knows him well enough to know that returning home to Jin-hae wouldn’t have been just a matter of pride to him; it would have meant that Yong-hwa was conceding defeat, that he was admitting that he couldn’t make his dreams come true. That would have been a huge blow to him, and Yong-hwa must see this in Joo-hyun’s eyes because he nods.
But Joo-hyun has another question, “How did you manage to write then to your…”
Yong-hwa’s smile, if possible, grows even sadder. “I bought a pack of postcards one day,” He tells her shakily. “It cost me 1,000 won, and I spent another few thousand won on stamps. That was all I had that day. Took me almost a day before I, ah... well, before people dropped enough cash into my cup so that I could get something to eat."
Joo-hyun bites her lip so hard she can taste blood, because the thought of Yong-hwa oppa, alone, living on the streets by himself, hungry, homeless, begging for cash to get by each day - those are things she would have never imagined. Things she never wants to imagine or even associate with bright, cheerful, strong Yong-hwa oppa, but they happened to him all the same.
“I wrote to Omma, because I knew that if she didn’t hear from me periodically, she would start to worry, start to think that I had died or something and I didn’t want her to worry. Not that I wanted you to worry either too, Hyun,” Yong-hwa sighs now, scrubbing a hand across his face roughly. “I just… I just made a huge mess of things, didn’t I?”
Joo-hyun’s mind skips back to the postcards addressed to Mrs Jung that’d she’d seen. They were cheerful, that’s for sure, but now with this new information in mind, she realizes how starkly generic they’d been - talking about Yong-hwa eating well and keeping busy, but with no real specifics about what was really going on then so as not to worry Mrs Jung. Lies which were easier to tell, especially when there wasn't a need for details, Joo-hyun realizes. No return address for Mrs Jung to write letters to because there wasn't one.
Yong-hwa keeps on talking.
“I wanted to send you a postcard too, Hyun.” Joo-hyun realizes that Yong-hwa is looking at her now, the look on his face so earnestly vulnerable that Joo-hyun can't help but soften. “I… I don’t even know why I didn’t write. It was stupid. But I just... I just kept thinking of you back here in Jin-hae, being so proud of me for making it in Seoul, and now I had to write and tell you that I’d lost everything and that I was living on the streets…”
Yong-hwa rubs fiercely at his eyes, choking up, and Joo-hyun’s heart aches even just to see him like this.
“So I didn’t write,” He says, and Joo-hyun can see his tears, glistening drops in the lamplight. “I didn’t write because… because I was just so ashamed and unhappy and I didn’t want you to know any of it. I just kept thinking, I’ll write when things get better. I’ll write and hopefully, she’ll forgive me, because we’re best friends. She has to, right?”
Joo-hyun wipes at her own eyes.
“And when things finally did get better after 2 years, when I was somewhat back on my feet, I… I…” Yong-hwa rubs an arm across his wet eyes, looking down, blinking fast. “I couldn’t think of an excuse to explain why I had been quiet for so long. I thought that we’d not talked in so long, that maybe you were happier without knowing why I had disappeared, and that… maybe it might just have been best for me to vanish completely from your life.”
Yong-hwa shakes his head. “And then, 3 years later, you show up in a bar. In Seoul. At my gig.”
Joo-hyun can only watch, can only take one last breath as Yong-hwa takes his last few steps towards her, pulling her close to him until there is no space left between the pair of them. This close, Joo-hyun sees the wetness on his own cheeks, the last tiny droplets of tears on his eyelids, barely distinguishable from the flakes of snow landing on the stretch of skin below his eyes, on his cheeks.
“You want to know why I’m back here in Jin-hae?” Yong-hwa oppa breathes softly, so softly that it’s a miracle Joo-hyun can hear him over the heartbeat ringing in her ears.
She shakes her head mutely.
“Because Hyun,” He tells her, a hand coming up to cup her cheek. “I’m convinced this isn’t the end for us.”
And then, there it is; everything is a blur but also utterly in focus at the same time, Yong-hwa oppa’s eyelashes, dusted with snowflakes, the way he looks at her like she’s the axis on which his universe spins, the way he leans in and the smell of him -
The minute his lips touch hers, the chaos in Joo-hyun’s mind comes to a blessed silence and all she does is let everything in her feel; the way it feels to be back in Yong-hwa oppa’s arms, the way she can taste so palpably the love and sorrow in his lips, the safety she feels just being here with him. It is almost as if the two of them have spent the longest time running circles around each other, just missing the other, before finally, finally colliding with one another around the next street corner. Home, Joo-hyun manages fuzzily. It feels a lot like coming home.
And though it’s far from perfect and there are so many things that need to be talked about, Joo-hyun does the only thing she can do - which is to let herself be in this moment, where everything finally begins to make perfect sense, where everything is finally beginning to fall into place.
She pulls away first, not wanting it to end, but still, she keeps her forehead pressed to his, and Yong-hwa oppa rubs his nose against hers, softly, tenderly. His eyes look at her with an unbearable sweetness that makes Joo-hyun both want to look away and not look away, and she exhales shakily, because wow.
But there are things they have to talk about, and so Joo-hyun steps back a little, licking her lips. “Oppa,” She says, not missing the way his eyes light up at that. “I hate to say this, but… but Hae-in…”
Some of the glow dies from Yong-hwa’s face; shame and guilt clearly color his features. “I know,” He says somberly. “I… I broke up with her before I came down here. I had to.” He says at the look of concern on her face. “I mean, I cared for her. I still do. But…”
“But it’s you, Hyun.” He says softly. “And no one else is going to match up, not as long as you’re around, and… I’m sorry to Hae-in; I really am, but… this is how I feel. This is how I’ve always felt - right from the start, even before I left Jin-hae.”
His confession, though not surprising, still manages to send Joo-hyun reeling, but Yong-hwa oppa distracts her in the next minute with his question. “You said, I broke your heart when I left Jin-hae the first time.” There is something so hopeful in his eyes, that makes Joo-hyun’s heart soften. “Did you… did you mean that?”
Joo-hyun ponders his question, even though those were words that escaped her initially in heightened emotions. Still, that doesn’t mean that those words aren’t the truth. “Yes,” She admits, aware that Yong-hwa oppa is watching her closely, hanging on her every word. “At first, I thought I was devastated because you were my best friend, and you were leaving me behind in Jin-hae. I thought it was just that much.”
“But… I think… even though I didn’t realize it back then, there was already much more going on than I was aware of.” Joo-hyun says slowly, rubbing the edge of her nose as she puzzles out feelings that have never quite occurred to her, which have been hovering in the shadows of her subconscious. She looks up at him. “I knew I had to let you go, to let you chase your dreams because that’s what you do for the people you love, but at the same time…” She laughs shakily. “It broke my heart to let you go, and it broke my heart all over again when I thought I’d lost you without reason.”
Just as she hoped, Yong-hwa oppa catches that word that she’s slipped into her little monologue and his eyes are aglow in a way that makes her heart weightless, even as he steps forward to embrace her. Joo-hyun simply leans her head against his shoulder, feeling the press of his lips against the crown of her head, hearing him whisper her name like she’s something exquisitely precious. And all she can do is to close her eyes, because in a matter of minutes, they have surpassed years of silence and mistakes, gone from being best friends, to strangers, to something else altogether - and it is both strange and wonderful in the same heartbeat and yet, Joo-hyun wouldn’t change any part of how this is unfolding.
But she exhales deeply out, and maybe Yong-hwa oppa can feel some of her sudden tension because they break away and he looks at her with concern in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
Joo-hyun shakes her head, trying for a smile that she can't quite reach. “It’s just…” She shrugs her shoulders helplessly. “I’m here in Jin-hae, and you’re in Seoul now. The same things that kept us apart are still in place now… nothing has changed.”
Yet, even at her words, Yong-hwa oppa has a faintly bemused smile on his lips. He keeps his hands on her elbows, holding her close, keeping her steady and Joo-hyun can only watch the spark of affectionate amusement grow in his eyes. “I disagree, Seo Joo-hyun,” is all he says. “I think everything has changed.”
+++
EPILOGUE
Joo-hyun sits alone in the bus station, jiggling her foot in a bout of anxious energy, only stopping when the elderly lady at the end of the bench gives her a look. Is it just me, she thinks, lifting a hand to wipe away some of the sweat gathering on her forehead, Or is this summer just unnaturally hot?
Even in shorts and sandals, it’s still sweltering in the Jin-hae bus station, but that could also be because of the number of people in the station. Jin-hae sees its highest volume of tourists in spring because of the cherry blossoms that’s for sure, but summer is also one of the peak periods for visitors, and so the bus station is surprisingly packed, with students from neighbouring provinces, families who’ve driven up for a day trip and even soldiers passing through on their way to the basic military training facility.
It’s a mad crush of activity, but Joo-hyun waits still, checking the time on her watch. 10.15 am. Still 10 minutes to go at least, if there isn’t a traffic jam from Seoul to Jin-hae this morning.
3 months ago, when Yong-hwa oppa had returned home to Jin-hae, there’d been screams and surprises all around - screams of joy from Mrs Jung, who’d promptly started scolding her son a few seconds after for only returning home once after 5 long years, and twin looks of surprise from both the Seo and Jung families, when Yong-hwa had immediately asked for permission from the Seos to date Joo-hyun. Still, Joo-hyun smiles fondly at the memory of the both mothers, exchanging sly but perceptible grins of delight after Yong-hwa had made his announcement - it seemed like this was something both mothers had been rooting for all this time. We finally caught up to them after all.
Yong-hwa oppa also had a reason for declaring this to both families - he wanted Joo-hyun to be able to come up to Seoul and visit on weekends without anyone querying her frequent trips up. Since then, Joo-hyun has gone up to Seoul at least twice - both their schedules had been crazily busy and finding a time to visit was difficult. Today is Yong-hwa oppa’s first return to Jin-hae since 3 months ago.
It’d surprised Joo-hyun how easily the pair of them fell back into their habit of writing letters and texting. Of course, Yong-hwa texts her more frequently now, and they talk on the phone every two nights as much as they can without busting their phone bills. But Joo-hyun still loves the letters most; letters which come regularly every 2 weeks, sometimes short, sometimes long, yet never failing to make her laugh or make her smile.
She pulls out his last letter to her, which arrived in Jin-hae a week earlier.
We have an audition with FNC Entertainment on 8 June, he writes with some obvious excitement. It’s still a time away obviously - this was the only date the CEO could fit us in, but it’s good. Gives us time to practice and get some new material in order for the audition. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that this won’t affect our summer plans in Jin-hae.
Joo-hyun smiles.
Whatever it is, I’m looking forward to it. It could be nothing at all, or something else altogether. I think that’s the most exciting thing - not knowing what could be waiting just around the corner. We’ll have to wait and see.
I’m also happy to report, he writes more somberly. That I’ve paid off all my outstanding rent fees, with some help from my parents. Thank you for making me tell them that last time I was in Jin-hae. It was hard; I hated taking money from them - but at the same time, I won’t deny that it feels good not to be in debt. I’m working on paying them back - does 50,000 won in a glass jar on my counter count? Anyway, I’m on top of my rent payments at long last, and I plan to keep it that way.
His last paragraph reads, To sum up, everything in Seoul is almost perfect - almost, because it can’t be perfect, not if you’re all the way there in Jin-hae.
Joo-hyun looks up at the sudden rumble of an engine, a bus pulling into the station and stopping at the kerb.
She folds up the letter, puts it into her bag and stands up. I can’t wait to see you in a week.
The first to disembark is an elderly man, followed by a young couple holding hands and then a woman in a blazer, talking into her cellphone.
I love you and I’ll see you soon.
Then, a tall familiar figure, guitar case in one hand, descends and Joo-hyun smiles.
She doesn’t even know she’s running, running to meet him; all she sees is his side profile first, then his face, beaming even as he drops his guitar case, picking her up and swinging her round and Joo-hyun has to laugh at that; full-blown cheesy, romantic Jung Yong-hwa, but she’s probably just as bad because she honestly doesn’t care about anything else right now except the fact that Yong-hwa oppa is here in Jin-hae with her. At long last.
“Hi,” She whispers, brushing a hand across his cheek. Those eyes, she thinks. Those bright, shining eyes which can turn her world right side up. “Welcome home.”
Yong-hwa oppa grins back at her, lowering her a little so he can brush his nose against hers. His arms are firm and strong around her waist. “Hi,” He echoes, his eyes crinkling in the brightest of smiles. “It’s good to be home.”