Grey's Anatomy: I love you but... (1/1)
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Rating: PG
Status: Complete (1/1)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: Written for the callie_arizona Out of Africa challenge. Callie and Arizona are at the airport ready to go to Africa. Same ending but a different journey. I wasn't satisfied with the scene we got in the show so I re-wrote it.
Since she was a young girl, Arizona had always loved airports. They reminded her of family holidays and that feeling of excitement as they embarked on some kind of adventure, whether it was Disneyland or the beach or a trip to see family. They were comforting and familiar, always welcoming you home after a long journey.
Sat in the departure lounge waiting for their flight to be called, Arizona surveyed the people around her. A young couple were wrapped up in each other’s arms, their faces close, obviously in the delicious early stage of their relationship. By comparison, on the table next to her an old couple were sat in a comfortable silence as they shared a newspaper, her reading the headlines and him reading the sports pages. A group of backpackers were talking animatedly, cameras flashing as they documented their trip.
Arizona thought about her own trip. She had won the Carter Maddison award, a fantastic achievement and something she was incredibly proud of. She couldn’t wait to get to Africa and start making a difference. After all, isn’t that what people dream of? She had the opportunity to change the lives of people less fortunate than her.
She had said yes almost immediately. It had been an easy decision, as far as she was concerned. What she had not expected was Callie’s reaction. She could not understand why her excitement and enthusiasm was not shared.
Beside her, Arizona could hear Callie trying to convince herself that Africa was what she wanted.
“And you know, sure, there’s not a lot to do over there but that just means less to distract us from the medicine. It’ll just be us focussing on the medicine, which is great,” Callie said with false conviction. She looked across at Arizona and noticed that she was not paying attention. “Arizona? Arizona!”
Arizona turned her head towards her. “Hmm?”
“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” Callie said, clearly irritated that Arizona had not been listening.
Arizona looked at her. She didn’t speak immediately, instead taking in the features of Callie’s face; the eyes that made her skin tingle when she knew she was being watched, the lips she had kissed a hundred times, the laughter lines that Callie blamed on her. She loved every part of that face. She had once believed that those eyes and those lips and those laughter lines were going to be with her forever.
“All I heard…” she faltered, taking a deep breath before continuing, “…all I heard was that you don’t really wanna go to Africa.”
She spoke so quietly that Callie barely heard her.
“What?”
“You don’t wanna go to Africa, do you?” Arizona asked gently.
Callie scoffed. “Don’t be stupid,” she said, averting her eyes from Arizona’s.
“Calliope,” Arizona’s voice hardened. She wasn’t going to let her avoid this conversation. It was too important. “I won the Carter Madison grant. I won the Carter Madison grant. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how special that is? I get to go to Malawi with almost unlimited funds and help children, help tiny humans who might otherwise never see a pediatric surgeon. I get to change lives. That’s the dream, I am living the dream and I am over the moon about it, or I would be but…”
“But what?” Callie interrupted.
Arizona shook her head slightly and twisted in her seat so that she was facing her. “When I found out I’d got the grant, you were the only person I wanted to tell. I was so excited. I saw this whole life for us in my head, doing amazing things in Malawi and being so happy. But I don’t think you’re happy, Callie. I’ve never believed that you’ve been happy about it.”
“Happy?” Callie said, raising her voice. “Happy about what? This is your achievement, not mine. This is your dream, not mine. You’ve created this whole life for us and you never once asked me how I felt about it.”
Arizona’s eyes darted around, conscious of the curious glances being directed towards them as Callie continue her rant.
“You accepted the grant without even asking me if moving to Africa was what I wanted. But I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Why are you here, Callie? If Africa isn’t what you want, why are you here?” Arizona asked. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she blinked them back.
“Because of you,” Callie cried. “Ok, fine. I don’t wanna go to Africa, ok? But I do wanna be with you. So I’m really trying here. I agreed to move half way across the world. I quit my job, I sublet the flat, I said goodbye to my family and friends. I did it all for you because I love you. So don’t you dare do this, not here, not now.”
“Not here? Not now?” Arizona heard her own voice getting louder. “When were we supposed to have this conversation, Callie? This is the first time you’ve told me how you really feel.”
“What was I supposed to do?” Callie asked. “If I’d told you, it would have ruined all this for you. I do know how excited you are about it and I didn’t want to ruin that.”
“But you are ruining it,” Arizona said. “Because now we’re at the airport about to get on a plane and you’re finally being honest with me. I know it came as a surprise and I know it took you a while to get your head around the idea, but you said you’d come to Africa with me and you never told me that you hated the idea this much. Why couldn’t you just be honest with me?”
“The last time I was honest with you, I lost you. I’m not going to go through that again,” Callie admitted.
“And pretending that you were ok with moving to Africa was going to make everything alright?”
“What do you want me to say?” Callie said exasperated.
“Do you really not understand how special this grant is? Are we really so different that you don’t get why Africa is important? It’s about more than just mending broken bones, Callie. It’s about making a difference.”
“Just mending broken bones? Is that all you think about my job?”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Arizona defended herself.
“I don’t know what to think any more, Arizona. I don’t know why we’re arguing about this. You’re getting what you want. I’m coming to Africa with you,” Callie said bitterly.
“This is not what I want, not like this. I want us to be on the same page about this, but we’re not. I want you to want to go to Africa, like I do, but you don’t. I don’t know how to fix that, but I know that we need to fix it or…”
“Or what?” Callie questioned. Her stomach turned as she started to feel uneasy about where this conversation was leading. It wasn’t just a fight.
A loud voice announced their flight over the speakers. With a heavy sigh, Callie stood up with conviction. “Come on, we’re gonna miss our plane so let’s go.”
Arizona didn’t move.
“Arizona!” Callie cried in frustration.
“No,” she said softly.
“What do you mean ‘no’? So what, you suddenly don’t want to go?”
Taking a deep breath, Arizona stood up slowly and said, “I don’t want to go to Africa with you.”
Callie looked shocked. “Arizona…no, ok? No.”
“I’m sorry,” Arizona said. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?” Callie reacted angrily. “It’s three years!”
“I’m gonna miss my plane,” Arizona announced.
As she tried to step around Callie, she felt a hand grab her arm.
“No. No! Please, please I can… we can, we can do this, we can figure this out,” Callie pleaded, her demeanour switching suddenly from anger to desperation.
“No, we can’t,” Arizona said sadly.
“If you go to Africa without me, it will break us,” Callie said, hoping that a threat would convince Arizona to change her mind.
“I know. But don’t you get it, Callie? We can’t win. If you come to Africa with me, it will break us. If I walk away from this opportunity and stay in Seattle, it will break us. We can’t win.”
Tears were streaming down Arizona’s face.
“No!” Callie fought back, her own eyes full of tears. “I’ll come to Africa and it’ll be ok.”
“No, it won’t. You don’t wanna go, and if you do, you’ll hate it and eventually you’ll hate me too. I don’t want that. I can’t stand the idea of you hating me.”
“If you get on that plane, if you go without me, we are done, do you hear me? We are over,” Callie tried one more time to persuade her.
“We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other,” Arizona said in despair. “We’re already over.”
There was a second call for their flight. Arizona took a step towards Callie, cupping her face and lifting Callie’s eyes to meet hers. She ran her thumb across Callie’s face, wiping away the tears that stained her cheek. “I love you, but I have to go now.”
“No,” Callie whimpered.
“Please don’t make this any harder than it is,” Arizona whispered. “I’m going to turn around and I’m going to get on that plane. I need you to turn around and walk away, ok? Please Callie. Walk away from me.”
“I can’t. I love you,” Callie said, crying so hard that her face burned.
Arizona smiled for the first time since they had arrived at the airport. It wasn’t a happy smile. “I know you do, but this is the way it has to be. You stay here and you be happy, ok?”
“I won’t be happy without you.”
“You will,” Arizona said. She needed to believe it. She needed to believe that they could both be happy without each other.
She placed a kiss on Callie’s cheek.
“I love you. Be happy, Calliope.”
Turning on her heel, Arizona made her way towards the boarding gate. She could feel Callie’s eyes on her and she willed her to leave. She could feel her whole body shaking, using all of her efforts to carry on walking when all she wanted to do was run back into Callie’s arms. She knew she couldn’t do that. She had to be the strong one; the cruel one. She had to be the one to walk away because she knew Callie never would.
So she kept on walking, a piece of her heart shattering with each step.
Rating: PG
Status: Complete (1/1)
Author: englishstrawbie
Characters/Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: Here.
Author's Note: Written for the callie_arizona Out of Africa challenge. Callie and Arizona are at the airport ready to go to Africa. Same ending but a different journey. I wasn't satisfied with the scene we got in the show so I re-wrote it.
Since she was a young girl, Arizona had always loved airports. They reminded her of family holidays and that feeling of excitement as they embarked on some kind of adventure, whether it was Disneyland or the beach or a trip to see family. They were comforting and familiar, always welcoming you home after a long journey.
Sat in the departure lounge waiting for their flight to be called, Arizona surveyed the people around her. A young couple were wrapped up in each other’s arms, their faces close, obviously in the delicious early stage of their relationship. By comparison, on the table next to her an old couple were sat in a comfortable silence as they shared a newspaper, her reading the headlines and him reading the sports pages. A group of backpackers were talking animatedly, cameras flashing as they documented their trip.
Arizona thought about her own trip. She had won the Carter Maddison award, a fantastic achievement and something she was incredibly proud of. She couldn’t wait to get to Africa and start making a difference. After all, isn’t that what people dream of? She had the opportunity to change the lives of people less fortunate than her.
She had said yes almost immediately. It had been an easy decision, as far as she was concerned. What she had not expected was Callie’s reaction. She could not understand why her excitement and enthusiasm was not shared.
Beside her, Arizona could hear Callie trying to convince herself that Africa was what she wanted.
“And you know, sure, there’s not a lot to do over there but that just means less to distract us from the medicine. It’ll just be us focussing on the medicine, which is great,” Callie said with false conviction. She looked across at Arizona and noticed that she was not paying attention. “Arizona? Arizona!”
Arizona turned her head towards her. “Hmm?”
“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” Callie said, clearly irritated that Arizona had not been listening.
Arizona looked at her. She didn’t speak immediately, instead taking in the features of Callie’s face; the eyes that made her skin tingle when she knew she was being watched, the lips she had kissed a hundred times, the laughter lines that Callie blamed on her. She loved every part of that face. She had once believed that those eyes and those lips and those laughter lines were going to be with her forever.
“All I heard…” she faltered, taking a deep breath before continuing, “…all I heard was that you don’t really wanna go to Africa.”
She spoke so quietly that Callie barely heard her.
“What?”
“You don’t wanna go to Africa, do you?” Arizona asked gently.
Callie scoffed. “Don’t be stupid,” she said, averting her eyes from Arizona’s.
“Calliope,” Arizona’s voice hardened. She wasn’t going to let her avoid this conversation. It was too important. “I won the Carter Madison grant. I won the Carter Madison grant. Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how special that is? I get to go to Malawi with almost unlimited funds and help children, help tiny humans who might otherwise never see a pediatric surgeon. I get to change lives. That’s the dream, I am living the dream and I am over the moon about it, or I would be but…”
“But what?” Callie interrupted.
Arizona shook her head slightly and twisted in her seat so that she was facing her. “When I found out I’d got the grant, you were the only person I wanted to tell. I was so excited. I saw this whole life for us in my head, doing amazing things in Malawi and being so happy. But I don’t think you’re happy, Callie. I’ve never believed that you’ve been happy about it.”
“Happy?” Callie said, raising her voice. “Happy about what? This is your achievement, not mine. This is your dream, not mine. You’ve created this whole life for us and you never once asked me how I felt about it.”
Arizona’s eyes darted around, conscious of the curious glances being directed towards them as Callie continue her rant.
“You accepted the grant without even asking me if moving to Africa was what I wanted. But I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Why are you here, Callie? If Africa isn’t what you want, why are you here?” Arizona asked. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and she blinked them back.
“Because of you,” Callie cried. “Ok, fine. I don’t wanna go to Africa, ok? But I do wanna be with you. So I’m really trying here. I agreed to move half way across the world. I quit my job, I sublet the flat, I said goodbye to my family and friends. I did it all for you because I love you. So don’t you dare do this, not here, not now.”
“Not here? Not now?” Arizona heard her own voice getting louder. “When were we supposed to have this conversation, Callie? This is the first time you’ve told me how you really feel.”
“What was I supposed to do?” Callie asked. “If I’d told you, it would have ruined all this for you. I do know how excited you are about it and I didn’t want to ruin that.”
“But you are ruining it,” Arizona said. “Because now we’re at the airport about to get on a plane and you’re finally being honest with me. I know it came as a surprise and I know it took you a while to get your head around the idea, but you said you’d come to Africa with me and you never told me that you hated the idea this much. Why couldn’t you just be honest with me?”
“The last time I was honest with you, I lost you. I’m not going to go through that again,” Callie admitted.
“And pretending that you were ok with moving to Africa was going to make everything alright?”
“What do you want me to say?” Callie said exasperated.
“Do you really not understand how special this grant is? Are we really so different that you don’t get why Africa is important? It’s about more than just mending broken bones, Callie. It’s about making a difference.”
“Just mending broken bones? Is that all you think about my job?”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Arizona defended herself.
“I don’t know what to think any more, Arizona. I don’t know why we’re arguing about this. You’re getting what you want. I’m coming to Africa with you,” Callie said bitterly.
“This is not what I want, not like this. I want us to be on the same page about this, but we’re not. I want you to want to go to Africa, like I do, but you don’t. I don’t know how to fix that, but I know that we need to fix it or…”
“Or what?” Callie questioned. Her stomach turned as she started to feel uneasy about where this conversation was leading. It wasn’t just a fight.
A loud voice announced their flight over the speakers. With a heavy sigh, Callie stood up with conviction. “Come on, we’re gonna miss our plane so let’s go.”
Arizona didn’t move.
“Arizona!” Callie cried in frustration.
“No,” she said softly.
“What do you mean ‘no’? So what, you suddenly don’t want to go?”
Taking a deep breath, Arizona stood up slowly and said, “I don’t want to go to Africa with you.”
Callie looked shocked. “Arizona…no, ok? No.”
“I’m sorry,” Arizona said. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?” Callie reacted angrily. “It’s three years!”
“I’m gonna miss my plane,” Arizona announced.
As she tried to step around Callie, she felt a hand grab her arm.
“No. No! Please, please I can… we can, we can do this, we can figure this out,” Callie pleaded, her demeanour switching suddenly from anger to desperation.
“No, we can’t,” Arizona said sadly.
“If you go to Africa without me, it will break us,” Callie said, hoping that a threat would convince Arizona to change her mind.
“I know. But don’t you get it, Callie? We can’t win. If you come to Africa with me, it will break us. If I walk away from this opportunity and stay in Seattle, it will break us. We can’t win.”
Tears were streaming down Arizona’s face.
“No!” Callie fought back, her own eyes full of tears. “I’ll come to Africa and it’ll be ok.”
“No, it won’t. You don’t wanna go, and if you do, you’ll hate it and eventually you’ll hate me too. I don’t want that. I can’t stand the idea of you hating me.”
“If you get on that plane, if you go without me, we are done, do you hear me? We are over,” Callie tried one more time to persuade her.
“We are standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other,” Arizona said in despair. “We’re already over.”
There was a second call for their flight. Arizona took a step towards Callie, cupping her face and lifting Callie’s eyes to meet hers. She ran her thumb across Callie’s face, wiping away the tears that stained her cheek. “I love you, but I have to go now.”
“No,” Callie whimpered.
“Please don’t make this any harder than it is,” Arizona whispered. “I’m going to turn around and I’m going to get on that plane. I need you to turn around and walk away, ok? Please Callie. Walk away from me.”
“I can’t. I love you,” Callie said, crying so hard that her face burned.
Arizona smiled for the first time since they had arrived at the airport. It wasn’t a happy smile. “I know you do, but this is the way it has to be. You stay here and you be happy, ok?”
“I won’t be happy without you.”
“You will,” Arizona said. She needed to believe it. She needed to believe that they could both be happy without each other.
She placed a kiss on Callie’s cheek.
“I love you. Be happy, Calliope.”
Turning on her heel, Arizona made her way towards the boarding gate. She could feel Callie’s eyes on her and she willed her to leave. She could feel her whole body shaking, using all of her efforts to carry on walking when all she wanted to do was run back into Callie’s arms. She knew she couldn’t do that. She had to be the strong one; the cruel one. She had to be the one to walk away because she knew Callie never would.
So she kept on walking, a piece of her heart shattering with each step.