Thoughts on fandom and sexuality
I've recently given a lot of thought to fandom and sexuality and all that. Here are some of those thoughts and such. And, ok, I know I haven't been in fandom all that long, really, but I think at least some of what I lack in experience can be made up with enthusiasm...
I've fairly recently come to realize that I like girls. You know, I like them that way.
In a lot of ways, this isn't a big deal to me. I've never thought there was anything "wrong" with homo- and bisexual people. They're not weirdos. (Well, ok, some of them are, but they're like transvestites: they belong in the Weirdo Homosexual or Bisexual category, not the general one.) So for me to realize this was just kind of, "Huh. Well that fantasy makes a little more sense now. Ok, back to Hugh..." And then there's the inevitable thought of, "Hey, maybe there will be sex in my future! I've just doubled my chances! Woohoo!"
But, of course, it's not quite that simple. It's not upsetting, but it is something that requires thought on my part. It is an adjustment. My little girl dreams of being happily married to a very rich man and spending my days shopping and traveling and being a fangirl have to be edited. It's one of those things that doesn't really hit you until you mention your not-yet-existant "future husband" in passing. Because what if I have a "future wife"? Suddenly, some of those little comments and jokes I always made make a little less sense. Like I said, this is not a bad thing or a problem. But it proves that realizing bisexuality isn't exactly a passing thought.
Recently, a friend asked me about having this sort of epiphany while having fandom as a support system. Is it helpful at all? Is it just there? Does it actually get in the way at all? And I had to think a lot about it. Because the answer is d.) all of the above.
On the one hand, it's possible I'd never have gotten this far without fandom. It's possible that I'd sitting around, living my life, thinking I'm straight. I've never really been very close with someone who isn't straight (that I know of, of course) until I got into fandom. The beautiful part of fandom is Hugh Dillon fucking Callu-- I mean, the beautiful part of fandom is the people you meet. Sometimes you get lucky, and find someone who inspires you to propose with, "Marry me and write me porn for the rest of my life? Please?" and all of a sudden, you've got a fandom wife. Sometimes you end up with people who comment on your journal and you comment on theirs, but it pretty much stops there; you'll probably never meet them in real life. Other times, you friend someone or they friend you, you interact once or twice, and that's about it. And there are the times that you stalk someone else's journal; you read it all the time and think they're awesome, but never actually interact with them at all for one reason or another. And all of that is beautiful. It really is.
The friends I've met through fandom have been absolutely invaluable to me. I blame some of them for starting all of this thinking, by posting things almost unrelated, but using phrases and sentences that clicked with me. Of course, I really actually thank them for it, but that's so not the point! It's only fair that they had to help me figure this out since they totally started it. Fandom gave me people to talk to and to listen to, people who have been through this, who have made discoveries about themselves such as this, who have maybe experienced the not-so-good side of it. Fandom helped to ensure that I'd be able to tell people and not have it questioned, not have it made into a huge deal.
On the other hand, fandom has ensured that I'd be able to tell people and not have it questioned, not have it made into a huge deal. Which is usually a great thing. Sometimes, though, it's not enough. Bisexuality is so normal and so prevalent in fandom, that it's not really a big deal to anyone. I do love that it's so accepted and that people just don't, well, care (bad word choice, I know, but just go with me here), but occasionally - I don't know. I guess just a little more reaction wouldn't hurt.
I haven't discussed my situation with many people at all, and none who aren't in fandom. My two RL best friends, I feel, deserve a face-to-face conversation, and I hope I'll get that chance soon. I was at my sister's this weekend, and though we've never really been all that close, I did want to tell her, just so I'd have to explain it. I'd have to find words for it. In the end, I didn't mention it to her, for a lot of reasons, but partly because I don't think I'd have done it for the right reasons. When I tell her or anyone else, I want it to be because I want them to know this about me, not because I'm just trying to fumble it into words instead of feelings.
The other thing about bisexuality being everywhere in fandom is that when I first started thinking about this a lot, I had to make sure to consider the influence. I've been swayed by peer pressure in the past, and I needed to make sure - for myself - that I wasn't just thinking these thoughts because they're everywhere in fandom. And when I really thought about it, I remembered things like that friend from high school that I really liked and wanted to hang out with all the time. In retrospect, I had a huge crush on her. (She went to an all-women's college; maybe I should look her up... *g*) The point is, I had to be positive that I wasn't being influenced in the wrong way, and that I wasn't taking the "easy way out." Because, think about it, being straight is a minority in fandom. You get an inverse reaction from the real world: "Oh, honey. Are you sure you're straight? Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet. You never know; it's still possible."
Sexuality is such a huge part of fandom. Many of us are here for the gay porn, after all. And because it is, I think it can be kind of intimidating to be questioning. Sometimes it seems like everyone is bi or gay and everyone has known this about themselves since forever, but I think everyone also knows that's not really true. But it feels that way. Sometimes it's just, "Ok, everyone got their memo. I got the one about TPS reports, but where the hell's the one about sex?!" It's just - I know that not everyone is sure, and that not everyone is bi or gay, but sometimes it does seem that way. So anyone who's questioning just might feel really behind, you know? Like they're trying to catch up. It's a hard thing for a lot of people to talk about, especially if they're just considering it. Because it is such a personal issue, it can be really difficult to bring up the topic in an environment that seems to be so certain. On a one-on-one basis, it's not really so bad, but in general, fandom can be really intimidating. I'm not quite sure if what I'm trying to say here is coming out the way I want it to, but I just can't seem to really get it into concise words.
I'm happy with myself. I'm glad I've figured this out, though I know I've still got some thinking to do. But the truth is, this is exciting for me. It's a new aspect of myself that I'm looking forward to exploring some more. Kind of like when I realized months ago that, hey, I'm kinda liking this gay porn stuff. *g*
*deep breath* Ok, I said a lot up there. I'm not even sure what the hell my point was, but if you think you can figure it out, please let me know! *g* I'd really love to get some more opinions on the subject. (Please keep in mind that I'm not trying in any way to offend anyone. These are just some thoughts that I had that grew from recent conversations. If you are offended, please tell me why and I will attempt to explain myself better and hopefully you'll teach me something.)
I've fairly recently come to realize that I like girls. You know, I like them that way.
In a lot of ways, this isn't a big deal to me. I've never thought there was anything "wrong" with homo- and bisexual people. They're not weirdos. (Well, ok, some of them are, but they're like transvestites: they belong in the Weirdo Homosexual or Bisexual category, not the general one.) So for me to realize this was just kind of, "Huh. Well that fantasy makes a little more sense now. Ok, back to Hugh..." And then there's the inevitable thought of, "Hey, maybe there will be sex in my future! I've just doubled my chances! Woohoo!"
But, of course, it's not quite that simple. It's not upsetting, but it is something that requires thought on my part. It is an adjustment. My little girl dreams of being happily married to a very rich man and spending my days shopping and traveling and being a fangirl have to be edited. It's one of those things that doesn't really hit you until you mention your not-yet-existant "future husband" in passing. Because what if I have a "future wife"? Suddenly, some of those little comments and jokes I always made make a little less sense. Like I said, this is not a bad thing or a problem. But it proves that realizing bisexuality isn't exactly a passing thought.
Recently, a friend asked me about having this sort of epiphany while having fandom as a support system. Is it helpful at all? Is it just there? Does it actually get in the way at all? And I had to think a lot about it. Because the answer is d.) all of the above.
On the one hand, it's possible I'd never have gotten this far without fandom. It's possible that I'd sitting around, living my life, thinking I'm straight. I've never really been very close with someone who isn't straight (that I know of, of course) until I got into fandom. The beautiful part of fandom is Hugh Dillon fucking Callu-- I mean, the beautiful part of fandom is the people you meet. Sometimes you get lucky, and find someone who inspires you to propose with, "Marry me and write me porn for the rest of my life? Please?" and all of a sudden, you've got a fandom wife. Sometimes you end up with people who comment on your journal and you comment on theirs, but it pretty much stops there; you'll probably never meet them in real life. Other times, you friend someone or they friend you, you interact once or twice, and that's about it. And there are the times that you stalk someone else's journal; you read it all the time and think they're awesome, but never actually interact with them at all for one reason or another. And all of that is beautiful. It really is.
The friends I've met through fandom have been absolutely invaluable to me. I blame some of them for starting all of this thinking, by posting things almost unrelated, but using phrases and sentences that clicked with me. Of course, I really actually thank them for it, but that's so not the point! It's only fair that they had to help me figure this out since they totally started it. Fandom gave me people to talk to and to listen to, people who have been through this, who have made discoveries about themselves such as this, who have maybe experienced the not-so-good side of it. Fandom helped to ensure that I'd be able to tell people and not have it questioned, not have it made into a huge deal.
On the other hand, fandom has ensured that I'd be able to tell people and not have it questioned, not have it made into a huge deal. Which is usually a great thing. Sometimes, though, it's not enough. Bisexuality is so normal and so prevalent in fandom, that it's not really a big deal to anyone. I do love that it's so accepted and that people just don't, well, care (bad word choice, I know, but just go with me here), but occasionally - I don't know. I guess just a little more reaction wouldn't hurt.
I haven't discussed my situation with many people at all, and none who aren't in fandom. My two RL best friends, I feel, deserve a face-to-face conversation, and I hope I'll get that chance soon. I was at my sister's this weekend, and though we've never really been all that close, I did want to tell her, just so I'd have to explain it. I'd have to find words for it. In the end, I didn't mention it to her, for a lot of reasons, but partly because I don't think I'd have done it for the right reasons. When I tell her or anyone else, I want it to be because I want them to know this about me, not because I'm just trying to fumble it into words instead of feelings.
The other thing about bisexuality being everywhere in fandom is that when I first started thinking about this a lot, I had to make sure to consider the influence. I've been swayed by peer pressure in the past, and I needed to make sure - for myself - that I wasn't just thinking these thoughts because they're everywhere in fandom. And when I really thought about it, I remembered things like that friend from high school that I really liked and wanted to hang out with all the time. In retrospect, I had a huge crush on her. (She went to an all-women's college; maybe I should look her up... *g*) The point is, I had to be positive that I wasn't being influenced in the wrong way, and that I wasn't taking the "easy way out." Because, think about it, being straight is a minority in fandom. You get an inverse reaction from the real world: "Oh, honey. Are you sure you're straight? Maybe you just haven't met the right woman yet. You never know; it's still possible."
Sexuality is such a huge part of fandom. Many of us are here for the gay porn, after all. And because it is, I think it can be kind of intimidating to be questioning. Sometimes it seems like everyone is bi or gay and everyone has known this about themselves since forever, but I think everyone also knows that's not really true. But it feels that way. Sometimes it's just, "Ok, everyone got their memo. I got the one about TPS reports, but where the hell's the one about sex?!" It's just - I know that not everyone is sure, and that not everyone is bi or gay, but sometimes it does seem that way. So anyone who's questioning just might feel really behind, you know? Like they're trying to catch up. It's a hard thing for a lot of people to talk about, especially if they're just considering it. Because it is such a personal issue, it can be really difficult to bring up the topic in an environment that seems to be so certain. On a one-on-one basis, it's not really so bad, but in general, fandom can be really intimidating. I'm not quite sure if what I'm trying to say here is coming out the way I want it to, but I just can't seem to really get it into concise words.
I'm happy with myself. I'm glad I've figured this out, though I know I've still got some thinking to do. But the truth is, this is exciting for me. It's a new aspect of myself that I'm looking forward to exploring some more. Kind of like when I realized months ago that, hey, I'm kinda liking this gay porn stuff. *g*
*deep breath* Ok, I said a lot up there. I'm not even sure what the hell my point was, but if you think you can figure it out, please let me know! *g* I'd really love to get some more opinions on the subject. (Please keep in mind that I'm not trying in any way to offend anyone. These are just some thoughts that I had that grew from recent conversations. If you are offended, please tell me why and I will attempt to explain myself better and hopefully you'll teach me something.)