Last part of "The Sound of Sucking"
I did the flist swap yesterday, but I think her flist was gone for the day. Except for the Disney icon makers. Lots of those. If you are into Disney, sisterelwood's flist is the place to be. Hopefully my flist didn't scare her too bad. I did warn her that you are all a bunch of pervs...
I finished the Sound of Music parody fic, and am posting it in it's entirety here so I can save it in my memories as one part. I'll link to the last chapter for those who want some closure. Hee!! crazydiamondsue, this one goes out to you. After this, I need some sweet romance along the lines of Gilbert and Anne.
~~~~~~~~
The Sound of Sucking
Cast of Characters:
Adults
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraede -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah
The Children - Character Names introduced further on
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem
Rolf - Faith
Chapter One
[Setting]
Sweeping hillside in Southern California, 1965. Old mission from weird religious sect that happened upon California five hundred years ago. Black Mass is about to begin.
Harmony and the other cloistered vamps cannot locate the newly interred Spikina. Reverend Mother asks if they have looked in all of the "usual places."
"Yes, Mother Darla. He isn't playing in my make-up or high heels, he wasn't brooding with many dangerous candles lit all around him, and Passions doesn't come on until morning! I... I think he's doing inappropriate things to himself."
(Harmony sings:) I've even heard him spanking in the Abbey!
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you make a gay man not a clown?
How do you write a gay man like Spikina?
A chick with dick? A vamp with a soul? No frown?
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you move his balls so he'll sit down?"
We cut to the moonlit garden behind the Abbey where Spikina is spinning like a top, hands outstretched, naked as a jaybird, and the forest creatures are huddled in fright at the edge of the forest.
(Sings:)
The hills are alive, with the sound of sucking
From Vamps that have fed for a thousand years...
The blood fills my head with the sound of sucking
My gay self wants to sing every song I hear...
"Oh! The time!" Spikina dashes to the Abbey to try and make the beginning of Black Mass, tucking stray platinum locks under his wimple. He runs directly into the Reverend Mother Darla.
"Reverend Mother! I... I couldn't help it. The furry creatures of the forest, the moon, my SOUL! They all cried out for me to prance and sing."
Mother Darla looks on at the flighty young vamp and decides he has no business in the Abbey. Well, none of the vamps did, really. All of the wasted medical supplies on cross burns, the constant smell of burning flesh, but ... They were there and didn't think too hard on it.
"Spikina, it is time for you to leave the Abbey for a spell. There is a dashing and handsome man who broods far more than is necessary who is in need of a governess. He was recently widowed and requires someone to raise his seven children while he travels. You will go live there and leave us in peace- or rather, you will just go and live with him."
Spikina is afraid, but doesn't dwell on things too much. He much prefers to be told what to do. He hums to himself about being confident in himself when he approaches the gates of the Vis Clap mansion. It's large enough to be a hotel, and why didn't he notice this house before while spinning on mountain tops above? Not one to be bothered by deep thinking, Spikina enters the home and spies a ballroom off the grand foyer. Ever the gay lad, er lass, she flings her carpetbag down and dashes into the grand gilt-covered room with candelabras to rival Liberace.
"Oh, I MUST have found a man of great taste and style to love so much gold and gilt and glitter! Methinks my heart will burst with joy!" And Spikina clasps her delicate hands to her tiny man-boobies and begins to dance and sway to the music in her head. Because she has the music in her.
SLAM!
Spikina whirls around to see the impressive figure cut by Angel Vis Clap, who is furrowing his mighty brow and looking quite angry with our heroine.
"Fraulein Spikina? Leave this room at once! It is my personal happy place, and you can tell from my well practiced glower that I don't come in here often. You will kindly remember that some rooms are not to be entered! Especially as I have a very large sign on the outside of this room that reads, ‘DO NOT ENTER.'"
Spikina sees the sign, gulps audibly and follows her new employer reproachfully into the grand hallway.
"Now, the first rule of this house is DISCIPLINE. You are the nine hundred and forty seventh governess we've had this summer."
"Good Lord! What on earth is wrong with your children?"
Angel backhands Spikina with such force that she is flown across the room, slams into a column (Grecian) and knocks chips of plaster loose. Angel is sad that he has something else to regret in his long life of remorse.
Spikina adjusts her dress to hide the visible hardness from her "surprisingly not female" penis. Spikina likes to be knocked around.
"There is nothing wrong with the children, I assure you," Angel's hard voice cuts through the arduous fug in Spikina's head.
Spikina can now hear sounds of growling and animal yipping, and a high sing-songy and eery lullaby. Angel puts his hand under his arm and makes a series of farting noises. Doors all over the house begin to open and bodies come flying out. A procession of children (some who look older than Spikina, and one who is DEFINITELY gay, but afraid to talk about it, and one who... well, it is becoming apparent why so many governesses had been to the Vis Clap family).
Angel begins to make specific fart noises under his arm and each child steps forth, reporting their name and age.
"Xandl, 16 and I don't NEED a governess."
"Oh, fine, then we shall just be great friends!"
Xandl tries to cover up the hardness growing in her "amazing that it isn't a female body part since she is a girl" penis.
"Weslich, 14, and I was Head Boy at my school this year."
"Dawnsa, 13, and I want you to get out, get out, GET OUT!"
"Oz. 11." A curt nod was all from this boy.
"Drusilta, and sometimes I hear the daisies crying out from the ground, the sound of their blood is a lullaby that makes the dirt sing such lovely songs... Miss Edith is 10, but she's been a bad girl."
"Marta."
Marta steps back in formation, remembers her mistake, then steps forward again.
"I'm seven, but the author couldn't think of anyone to be me in this production, so I'll disappear. But remember that my daddy had seven children, alright?" And with that, she disappears.
The adorable, and youngest child in the Vis Clap family steps forward, finger stuck in her mouth and darling braids of, dear, God, is it flesh tied up in ribbons? and speaks:
"Clemtl. I'm this many!" and holds out a chubby, flappy hand with five, er, things sticking up.
Spikina unpacks her guitar and asks if anyone has a special request from Ghost of the Robot when Angel interrupts, "Right. You've met the children. Make them march all day and breath deeply. Do not under any circumstances do anything that could be considered charitable or kind to them. My past theories on child rearing have obviously proven successful by the long line of governesses we've had through here, so adhere to my every word or I shall lock you up in my chamber of nasty treats, strip you, beat you soundlessly, rape your man-hole (you aren't fooling anyone in that get-up), make you fall in love with me, then dump you. Or just beat you a lot, it depends on my mood, really."
And with that revelation, he is off for "business" in Los Angeles, and by business, I mean he needs to have sex with a wealthy woman of some means and escape those freakish children of his. But they don't need to know about that.
~~~
Later that night, rocks tapping at a window draws Xandl into the night air. Waiting for her is her courier-lover, Faith, with a "message" for her. They escape to the conveniently romantic gazebo where they begin to circle each other in a COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS and miraculously harmonized song of their feelings for each other.
(Faith sings:)
Bitch, I don't sing.
(To Xandl:)
Get your pants off. Now.
Xandl is in mid-leap on the concrete steps that ring the gazebo when she realizes that she is the only one singing and dancing. Huh.
"But... I... am 16 going on 17? Totally unprepared am I!"
Faith shoves Xandl to the ground, whips off her belt and begins tying Xandl's hands together.
"Yeah. Fucking awesome. I've tried to get that ass of a father you have out of the house for weeks. If he knew about us he'd beat me like a bitch down in his "Happy Fun Room" again, only this time I wouldn't like it. Shut up. Let's fuck."
Faith rides Xandl, not caring that Xandl's back is being scraped raw on the hard floor. She gets hers, climbs off, unties Xandl's hands then helps him up into a sitting position on the concrete bench. She takes his cock (funny, it’s still not a female organ, yet Xandl has one, and it's a nice, long, thick one at that) into her mouth and sucks it to the root. Rain begins to lightly fall, promising a heavier downpour that is very symbolic to the liquids "raining" down their thighs currently. A quick squeeze on the balls and Faith achieves her goal. Xandl jumps to her (ahem) feet and with arms outstretched cries out, "WHEEEEEEE!"
Faith recoils in horror at the nerdiness on display, grabs her clothes and runs off yelling back over her shoulder, "you tell anyone and I'll fucking gut you, dumbass!"
Xandl is so elated by his first orgasm that she (ahem) doesn't care. She climbs the rose arbor to Spikina's bedroom to sneak back in. The rain is coming down with a vengeance, lightening and thunder are crashing.
Spikina throws a blanket over her lap, "Oh! Xandl! What on earth are you doing out in this weather? What have you been doing?"
Spikina closes her eyes and sniffs like a bloodhound. "You had your first orgasm! You are just covered in spunk, you poor dear. They didn't stay to finish the job?"
Xandl is trembling with fear. Surely Spikina isn't going to tell her (ahem) father?
"Here. Take those wet clothes off, slowly... SLOWLY! And tell Spikina all about what happened while I take care of this mess."
Xandl strips (he can't help it that his hips sway in a provocative manner while the dripping, tight clothes are peeled away from his gloriously taut flesh) and tells Spikina all about Faith riding his jock out on the concrete floor, trash and debris blowing about their heads like Mother Nature's breath coughing up lung cookies.
"Xandl, I don't understand. Faith did what with your female oversized clitoris?"
"She... She put it in her mouth. But she didn't use teeth, and she wrapped her tongue around it and drew it hard into her mouth so that all of it was in there, and the tip of my female penis was hitting the back of her throat."
"Huh. Laah thisth? Diihh theee thcrath lightly on youuah ballths?"
"Huh uh. Fuuuh-! I thought about putting my hands on her head like... GUH! Like this, and I thought about her putting a wet finger in MY-!"
"Thith? *slurp* Dih you thay three?"
"OHMYGODANDICAMELIKETHISWHENSHESUCKEDMYCOCKLIKETHATSOHARD FUCKYEAHFRAULEIN!"
The sound of Xandl "remembering" his orgasm with Faith coincided with a massive crash of thunder outside. All of the children came running in, eyes wide with fear. Weslich dove straight for Fraulein Spikina to find comfort in her crotch. He burrowed his face right down under the blankets, so great was his fear.
"Oh, Fraulein, we are so afraid! How will we ever be happy again?"
"Oh, children, you just need to think of things that make you happy to remind yourself that it won't always be as bad as right now, things like...."
(Spikina sings:)
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things...
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings,
When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!"
They all fall into a happy, "no more contention" lump of family-building love, except for Oz because he's too cool for that, and Drusilla who wandered off to lock up a chicken in a box, and Dawnsa who is just such a pouty, needy shit, and Weslich, who was still buried under the lap blanket of Spikina and was STILL trembling with fear, so much that he was practically BOUNCING up and down under that blanket, or so Spikina said when Xandl was pouty and asked for a reassuring hug from the new Fraulein.
"Now, off to bed with you all, except you Weslich, because it seems you need me to help soothe you a bit, right?"
A nod from under the blankets was seen, and Xandl looked mournfully at her new best friend, Fraulein Spikina, who looked back and mouthed, "five minutes!"
It seemed the singing, choreographed dance steps, and a little will power had won over the children. Spikina was now setting her sights on changing the stiff (guh) and rigid (wibble) Captain Angel Vis Clap.
"Darling, try four fingers. It's time you went off to bed, but not until you finish, alright?"
Chapter 2
[Setting]
We have a montage of moments with the children and Spikina singing and frolicking in their dresses made from tea towels. Spikina insisted that the boys needed "breathing room" and so their new play clothes are more loincloths than anything else.
As they ride in a carriage and confess to Fraulein Spikina that none of them know how to sing, Fraulein makes a most unusual face whereby she places her tongue behind her teeth and smirks at the children. She picks up her guitar (that is never far from her nimble fingers) and begins to play a few notes.
(Sings:)
The first thing to sing is ‘Val-er-ie'
(Children, looking nervously at one another:)
Val-er-ie
(Spikina, singing up the scale:)
Val-er-ie-but-I-wrote-Good-bye!
Oz squints and replies, "Dude. Enough of the GoTR stuff. It's not like I'm always harping on the Dingoes. ‘Cause we kinda sucked."
Spikina replies, "Fair enough. I want all of you children to learn how to behave in proper society, as your father is bringing back the Baroness Cordelia to become your new mother."
The children eye each other with trepidation.
"I'll teach you to put on a hand puppet program to woo her and make her not shove you in the oven."
"Fraulein Spikina, will we play hand puppets like you taught me last night?"
"No, my precious Xandl. This is a different way with strings and choreography and will have real production value."
Weslich becomes jealous of this special hand puppet game his big sister knows and buries his head back in the crotch of his governess. His sobs have an odd slurping quality. Fraulein Spikina is a considerate person, and throws a lap blanket over him to hide his, um, salty white tears from the other children.
They arrive home and frolic and play the Eskimo way, that is, in close quarters to keep warm, but then they become so warm they must doff their hot, form-fitting tea cloths. The sound of under-arm farting means Captain Vis Clap is home, so they all rush to stand before him and receive disapproving stares. No one has remembered they were playing Eskimo and all the children are naked.
"FRAULEIN! What is the meaning of this? Children, get your proper clothes on and march about breathing deeply AT ONCE. Fraulein, a word."
Angel steps off to the side, Spikina joins him.
"What happened to the threat of me beating you into oblivion, until the flesh hangs off your bones, of me ramming my hard, incredibly average penis into your prepared poop-chute until you beg for mercy, or for a reach around, or for a full mouthed, wet, slow, tongue sliding on your teeth, hot moans into my open mouth, cock rubbing against cock... What happened to my surly, angry, deformed children?"
"I'll tell you! Xandl is becoming a woman and needs a man to show her how! How to please herself when the inevitable happens: three times in one night isn't enough! And Weslich. He also needs a man to show him, not that you'd ever notice. He cries into my mouth every night, I mean my ear, and Dawnsa steals everything that isn't nailed down, but she gets on my nerves, so I call her sweet names then lock her in her room, because honestly, I couldn't stand to have her around longer than possible, and Oz! He just wants to be a man, but he's a werewolf, not that you'd even KNOW it! And little whatsername that took off that first day, and Drusilta is the oddest bir-"
"ENOUGH!" roars Angel. He grabs Spikina by the she-stick that is poking out in a most becoming manner and leads her to the stairs. "Pack your things and be gone at ONCE!"
Suddenly, the features on our angry, sullen Captain melt into peace as he hears the sounds coming from the ballroom. The children...are singing?
(Children Singing, but not Oz because he's too cool to perform on demand:)
High on his horse, Cap'n Angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl ay hee hoo
Loud was the sigh, ev-er-y-one had heard
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Weslich and Spikina sing a duet:)
Men in the midst of menage a'tois heard
Lay odl ay odl ay hmm hmm
Men having sex but not say-ing a word
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Spikina has a solo:)
One pretty vamp in a black leather coat heard
Lay odl ay odl ay oo hoo
He yodeled back to his angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl oo.
(All, Children answering Spikina's yodel:)
Odl ay ee, (odl ay ee)
Odl ay hee hee (odl ay hee hee)
Odl ay HEE! (Odl ay HEE!)
Odl ay HEE HEE! (Odl ay HEE HEE!)
O ho ho lady odl ay O, ho ho lady odl ay
O ho ho lady odl ay O, lady odl ay O lay WHEE!
(Drusilta:)
Hums nonsense off-key, wanders outside and pokes out the eyes of a duck.
The Baroness Cordelia is sitting slack jawed, eyes searching for a quick exit.
"Um, Angel? I know you have lots of money or whatever, but..." she gestures with her chin, eyes wide and disbelieving, then back to Angel, "nuh uh."
Cap'n Vis Clap ignores her and runs to the children, tripping over a bird cage filled with dead frogs and fish, he giggles to himself, "Oh, Drusilta. You remind me of your mother. She was bat-shit crazy, too."
The children pile on their dad as Angel laughs at the overeagerness of his son Weslich getting his skin as cloooose to dad as possible and rubbing up and down.
Giles VonRipper walks in clapping. "Excellent. I shall market you as the ‘Family of Freaks Who Sing' and make a fortune! You are performing tomorrow. Angel, throw a lavish party, invite heads of state, and make your children perform to the delight of the crowd, which will end in a completely unprepared, yet perfectly harmonized ‘good-bye' from said crowd."
Baroness Cordelia perks up at the prospect of a party, "Oh my gosh, I only brought five gowns to wear! I need to find the one that accentuates my boobs the best."
While the Baroness wanders off discussing lighting and cleavage, Angels takes this moment to speak to Spikina.
"Fraulein, I had completely forgotten that I had responsibilities as a father to these children aside from just feeding and sheltering them. Please don't leave."
"Oh, Captain! Love them, love them all! Love me! Meep!"
Angel sees Spikina is a whole new light. First off, Spikina is still naked. And happy. Very happy, apparently. Second, the governess was able to draw out the children and force them to please others and do their bidding, always appealing to a dominating parent... Yes, Spikina should stay.
Spinkina is afraid of these feelings coursing through her, making her female "that isn't a penis, is it?" hard and trembly. With hands to her cheeks (ouch! They cut like a knife!) She dashes upstairs to sort through her feelings, and to get some goddamn clothes on, for hell's sake.
Baroness Cordelia watches from the great hall and sees her chance at lots of money (well, more because she already has, like, loads and stuff) slipping away. She links her arm with Giles VonRipper and leads him to over to Angel.
"Darling, we need to make arrangements for this fabulous party where you will see me in a perfect outfit, accentuating my ridiculously beautiful decolletage and tiny waist, fall madly in love with me and marry me on the spot. Then we'll pack off these freaks, um, your children to boarding school and I'll begin to shop in earnest."
Angel is still watching Spikina walk slowly to her room to get dressed, hips swaying, female penis swinging (my Lord, that thing is huge!) and hasn't really listened to the plans of the Baroness.
"Mmm, yes. Fine, fine. Giles, make it so."
~~~
Later that afternoon finds the Baroness brushing her luxurious mane of hair in her dressing room, talking out loud.
"And when I get rid of that bitch from this house, QUIT LOOKING AT ME, I'll have all that money to myself. Look, if you don't WANT to be here, you can just head off to your room."
Xandl stands and wipes the cinnamon scented dew from his cheeks when the Baroness slaps him and shoves him back down between her legs. "Sheayuh. Not likely. And use a finger or three for hell's sake. You're like, supposed to please your guests and stuff, so get to it.
"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to buy a yacht, and a bunch of cars, and hire Tom Ford to design all my clothes, and unnn, yeah, juuust like th- oh GOD! Damn, you have long fingers. Now suck on it hard. Shhhhhi-! Mmmm. Maybe you I keep around..."
"I don't understand, Baroness. Why is your penis not here? You're a girl just like me."
"I didn't force you in here to talk. Now go get me a hot washcloth. And then get out. I have to get fabulous for a party."
Chapter 3
[Setting]
The house is filling up with guests for the ball. Spikina and the children are on the terrace watching the party guests eat fine food and dance. Weslich and Dawnsa are attempting to waltz to the music playing for the guests, but are having a hard time deciding who WON'T lead.
Oz leans against the edge of the terrace and makes a "pfft" sound. Xandl laughs, "Why don't you try to dance? Or are you afraid of women?"
Weslich makes a "meep!" and dives under the skirt of Spikina to shake the fear away. And is apparently embarrassed by the white, salty tears that have coursed all the way to his chin after a few minutes of under-skirt shaking.
Oz retorts, "Only grown up men and pussies like Weslich are afraid of grown-up women."
A loud gulp is heard from the direction of Fraulein Spikina's skirts. With a large sigh, Spikina draws Weslich out from hiding. "Now, now children, if you are to be a part of society, you must learn to dance properly like ladies and gentlemen. Xandl? Let me show you how to waltz."
Xandl rockets to Spikina's ready arms and they begin to one-two-three, one-two-three in time to the music. Xandl draws nears to the Governess and whispers, "I've learned a few dance moves from our South American banker. The Forbidden Dance?"
Spikina whispers back, "meet me in my chambers at midnight."
A tap on her shoulder leaves her breathless. Mainly because she's a vampire and doesn't breathe. But also because she can sense (with her vampiric sonar for hot and willing dudes) that Captain Angel vis Clap is behind her.
"May I?"
Without a word, and with her mouth gaping like a trout, she allows Angel to lead her into a complicated series of hops, skips, and the hokey-pokey. She dreams that the Captain knows the Abbey's version of the hokey-pokey with other appendages to stick in and out...
A twirl, a twist, hands reaching, they move about the courtyard while the children watch, Weslich rubbing an itch, no doubt, on one of the columns as his Daddy twirls his best new friend, Fraulein Spikina. As Spikina twirls and spins in a circle, faster and faster, Angel leans over and pops the hem of her skirt up with his palms showing everyone her panties-
"I feel so free!"
Everyone tries to hide their eyes, except for brave, loyal Weslich who can't seem to tear his eyes away.
Angel grabs one of the flailing arms of the saucy governess and pulls her close. Their eyes lock with an audible click.
"Oh, are you all out here? I couldn't open the door until I remembered I had a key. You should have the groundsman oil this lock. Noisy bugger. Wouldn't you say, Baroness Cordelia?"
"I don't know, Giles!?! Angel, they are playing a lovely song, and I know you wouldn't want this dress to go to waste. Not to mention my hair and makeup that took hours to perfect and don't you look, um, domestic, Fraulein in your scrub wool smock. The two of you look divine out here dancing, by the way, and in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC. Come on, Angel."
Spikina holds her face in her hands, willing the blush to fade. "I.. I'll see to the children, Captain. We have a special surprise prepared for your guests. You know how you are a slave driver and want your children to ask how high when you tell them to jump?"
Giles VonRipper cuts into the conversation. "Actually, Fraulein, that would be me, but I am obviously the Captain's butt monkey, so feel free to blame him."
"Yes. And as my "butt monkey" as you put it, you will kindly shut up and move aside so I can take the Baroness' arm to dance with her?"
"Yeah, Giles. Move it or lose it."
The children and Spikina dash to the main entrance to perform a "good-night" number for the guest of the Captain, like the good little do-be's they are. Weslich is reminded that he doesn't need to dab a little glitter on his cheeks before they hit the stairs and get the crowd's attention.
(All the children, with exception to Drusilta, who is wandering about, plucking the feathers from a songbird and muttering, "He loves me... He loves me not.:)
There's a sad little moaning from the girl in the hall
And there's bats in her belfry too
Our little sister's an absurd bird
Don't you know she's quite coo-coo (coo-coo, coo-coo)
Regretfully she's quite coo-coo
But you know that we are all coo-coo
We say goodbye coo-coo...
To you...
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-bye
(Marta:)
I hate you all, I wish you all a blight
(and disappears again while the other children do a complicated jazz hands/rainbow hands dance move)
So long, farewell, au revoir, and audieu
(Weslich:)
Have sex, have sex, with you and you and you (points to attractive men in audience, leaves with a grand jete and a wink)
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen
(Xandl:)
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
Yes?
(Captain:)
No (kicks her up the stairs to the delight of the misogynistic crowd)
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight
(Oz:)
(does a head nod and takes the stairs three at a time)
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight
(Drusilta:)
I named all the stars the same name - there is great confusion in the heavens. I will drink your blood before the night is over... Miss Edith doesn't like your party.
So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good night
(Dawnsa:)
I wish you all would leave, get out, GET OUT!
(Slowly and more quietly)
(Clem:)
The sun... has gone... to bed and so must I...
So long...farewell...auf Wiedersehen goodbye...
Goodbye...
(Spikina gathers up sleepy wittle Clem in her flesh braided cuteness and carries her up the stairs, singing for all it's worth)
Goodbye....
Goodbye....
(Guests:)
All RIGHT!
Baroness Cordelia sees a chance to nip this bitch in her not female pink bud while the guests are all wandering off discussing how weird it was that the Captain used his kids for cheap entertainment, and what was the DEAL with that weird girl who hurts things and hums? Weren't there supposed to be seven vis Clap children? Huh.
Fraulein Spikina was changing out of her simple peasant dress (that accentuated her pert boobies, truth be told) into something suitable for the party.
"Here. Let me help you pick out something that won't make you look like the Ugly Truck drove over you. I know! Why don't you put on that potato sack you had on the other day when the Captain was checking out your PENIS."
"What?"
"Come on. One of us is a woman, and one of us is packing a thunder stick. Don't pretend you haven't noticed. The Captain certainly has."
"The Captain notices everything that sticks out, so long as it doesn't interfere with his brooding..."
"You know what's hilarious in that not even a little bit, funny way? That he thinks he's in love with you. Well, let me tell you something Miss Yodel. You may think you're hot shit with the singing and puppet stuff, but when it comes to confused men, no one can get them into bed faster than me. He may think he loves you with your whole Madonna thing, but they only want to turn the Madonna into their personal whore. If you leave right now, you may still be able to get back to the Abbey before they close up shop for the night."
Spikina is scandalized that her feelings for the Captain are obvious. She grabs her things, takes her guitar under an arm and dashes out of the house. The Baroness, it seems, is the winner.
Cordelia looks at herself in the mirror. "Just a quick change, then I'll let Angel know that we are to be married by the end of the week. Why am I always talking to myself? Oh yeah. Because I'm the bad guy."
~~
The party is in full swing when the Baroness begins her descent down the stairs. She hollers out in a sing-songy voice, "Oh, Captain vis Clap? Do you think we have an announcement?"
Baroness Cordelia has changed into a black two piece outfit bedecked and bedazzled. It is a two piece because her large protruding belly needs space to breathe. Bows slide across cello strings causing a discordant noise, guests gasp, and Angel looks up at his escort. Xandl (who has been peeking through the balustrade to catch a glimpse of the adults at their games) stands up in horror. "But... but I just tasted her cinnabon-bon. I couldn't have done that... Could I?"
A woman swoons and falls to the floor. Angel rushes to Cordelia's side. "What's going on? Where's Fraulein Spikina?"
"She had to bail. Something about these troglodytes you call kids. But forget about her." The Baroness begins rubbing her belly against Angel's thigh. "What about us? Remember me? The ACTUAL date?"
"Baroness - you - how did... I haven't?"
"What are you babbling about?"
Angel points to her very obvious and protruding belly.
"Oh! No, no. Hang on." Baroness Cordelia turns her head, puts a dainty hand to her mouth and gives a window shattering belch, that smells strangely of fish and vanilla. "‘Scuse me. Shall we?"
Shocked beyond words, Captain vis Clap takes her hand and is lead to a waltz among the murmuring guests. Far off in the hills, a lonely and limp Vampire/Nun/Songstress says goodbye to the family she has come to love.
Chapter 4
[Setting]
Spikina is entering the Abbey, tears running down her face, because she is just SO distraught. And easily defeated. And a pushover. She runs to the Reverend Mother Darla's chambers and throws herself into a chair. When the Reverend Mother makes no move to speak, Spikina throws her hand to her face and sighs. Nothing. Bigger sigh and a sob this time.
"Yes, my Childe? What brings you back here to the Abbey? I thought I made myself clear that we wanted you gon- uh, heh, that the Captain needed you. (Mutters to herself:) That'll teach that asshole to dump me for that blonde goody-goody chick."
"Oh, Mother, I began to have feelings for the Captain - he's so handsome and broody and can never be happy and that is just SO attractive in a man - but the Baroness said he knew that I had a penis, um, large pink oboe, and I was sent there to do a job with the children, and I have, Mother, I have! But to fall in love with each other so quickly and easily would be boring and make the story end sooner. I don't know... I don't KNOW! There were times when I'd look at him, and he'd order the children to march about, or would be quiet and sulky and, Oh Mother... I couldn't BREATHE!"
"That's because you are a vampire, dear. Now if the problem is that you are afraid of your, well, ‘enlarged clitoris that is exactly the same as a penis,' will distress him, then you must search your heart, and tuck it under."
The Reverend Mother shows Spikina how to move her female nodules back and push her "okay, let's just call it a penis because this is getting silly" penis back, hold her thighs together and stand, arms out. Spikina is led to a mirror and given a large scarf to hold behind her, grasped in her hands. She cannot believe the transformation.
"I'd sing to me. I'd sing to me so hard."
The Reverend Mother has quickly and efficiently packed all of Spikina's things while she has been admiring her smooth genital area.
"Off you go, dear! Chop, chop. We wouldn't want the Captain to not have his gift from me, now would we? Oh. And you are supposed to find yourself, help them out, yadda yadda. Bye bye!"
We next see Spikina determined, brave, and walking with purpose back to the Captain and the children not caring that she just walked all the way back up into the mountains. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
We see the children the day after Fraulein Spikina has fled, fearful her penis, er, love for Angel has been discovered. The children are sprawled about the grounds, completely incapacitated, such is their grief.
Giles VonRipper is trying to encourage them to sing, which is his sneaky way of making them practice because he wants to exploit their abilities like a Bangladeshi shoe-factory owner. The children sing = he gets rich.
Baroness Cordelia wants to ensure the Captain that the rash decision to get married the night Spikina left wasn't a rash decision. She approaches a few of them lying prostate, faces frozen in sorrow.
"Who wants to bounce a ball or something? Isn't that what you people do? I mean, I don't sing or anything. I'm more the hot chick in the video type. Hello? Someone better than you is talking?"
Xandl stands and half-heartedly bounces a ball at her; Cordelia flinches and gets two on the arm.
"Okay! That was fun.” Eye roll. “You kids do your little depression thing." The Baroness turns to walk back to the house and mouths to no one in particular, "Boarding school. Pronto."
Dawnsa moans to the group, "I don't think I'll ever be cheerful again."
Oz replies in a sarcastic tone, which is a lot like his other tones, "nice one, Ronald."
Welisch bounces up on his toes (easier for him since he has on a pair of 4 inch Manolo's that match his Lederhosen perfectly, like oh my God!) and reminds the children, "whenever Fraulein Spikina was sad, she had us sing about our favorite things. Let's try!"
(The children, slow and sad:)
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings
(A voice can be heard in the distance growing louder:)
These are a few of my favorite things!
The children cry out, "Fraulein Spikina!"
(They all finish the song together, voices triumphant:)
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings, when I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad!"
(Final note ascending and descending on the music scale.)
They all fall into a heap, Weslich managing to fall so his head lands into his beloved governess' lap.
Sweet, adorable Clem cries, "Fraulein, you left without even saying goodbye!"
Xandl looks to her governess and questions, "Why did you leave? Did you know that Father is going to marry that bitc- um, the Baroness?"
Spikina slumps, then quickly remembers the words of the Reverend Mother Darla, and sticks her chin out (come on, y'all. It is a bit short for those features.) and replies, "it doesn't matter. Anyway, the reason doesn't exist anymore."
Spikina shifts her hips in discomfort while Weslich looks up to her with large puppy-dog eyes and whimpers.
Captain vis Clap comes out to see what all the commotion is about and finds Spikina standing with the children.
"Fraulein! You've come back! You didn't even say goodbye. Not even to the children. Off you go, children. I must speak with Fraulein."
The children are sad, but have had it ingrained that to disobey means to wear god-awful uniforms and be forced to march around breathing deeply, so they all flee to their rooms.
"Fraulein, why did you leave? I think a better question is, why have you returned?"
The Baroness steps outside and sees her nemesis has returned. "Oh! Look who's come back! Did you bring your penis with you?" She links her arm into Angel's.
"Let's just say I've come back for the children until a suitable person can be found as a replacement."
"Oh, didn't you know? Cappy and I are getting married. I guess he wants a REAL woman."
Angel is a complete pussy at this point and lets the Baroness pull him away to wander about the inside of his house and be far away from Spikina. Spikina, on the other hand, takes it upon herself to wander onto the grounds, moving with fluid grace, pausing every moment to lean against a tree in a picturesque manner. She does this for about an hour, hoping that the Captain will accidentally on purpose wander out, see her silhouette (her penis-free silhouette) and fall madly in love with her. Which is exactly what happens, thank goodness.
The Baroness is hot on Angel's heels when she sees the Captain sigh, his dead, dusty heart filled with love for the precious and dainty governess, who possesses a high, clear soprano that would make the angels weep. And Angel is weeping, the big ol' softy.
"So, I was thinking that you could buy me my own department store as a wedding gift, that way I could always be sure to have exactly what I want, and that you could put an ad in the newspapers around the world saying how beautiful and fantastic I am, and are you even listening to me?" Cordelia spins Angel around to look at her when she sees the tear streaks on his face.
"Oh. My. God. I think I need a little more MAN in my man, and you are just a big fucking cry-baby. I am so out of here!" And as she ascends the staircase to gather her things and make a dramatic exit, she delivers her parting shot, "Ya fuckin' BOOB!"
Angel is filled with love for the frail, bird-like, retiring governess who has won his heart. She flinches when he approaches her (that's two on the arm) but he is able to soothe her by shoving his tongue down her throat.
"Oh, Captain, I've loved you for so long. I only wanted you. Even when I was instructing the children on how to love again, I only wanted to teach you, you big lug!"
Spikina begins to sing about ‘somewhere in her youth or childhood,' but the Captain is really cramming his tongue in her mouth, so she stops. Angel slides his hands up her smooth, waxed thighs, fingers searching for her lightening rod of love. Searching... searching...
Angel pulls away with a loud smack and a line of spittle connecting their mouths. Spikina giggles and wipes the drool away with the back of her hand. "What... what is it, Angel?"
"Where's your dick?"
"I'm sorry? But.. The Baroness. She's a woman and you liked her! I thought you only liked women!"
"Yeah, I used to, but then you came along, and you are more of a woman than all the women I've loved put together, especially because you are packing cock-meat."
And with this realization, Spikina realizes that her penis is a magic penis, a penis that brings people together in love and she doesn't need to hide from it any longer. She stands, rips her dress from her body, and spreads her legs. Her twig and berries spring forth, with a little tremor, and she throws her hands on her hips, proud of her body.
"Oh, Captain. Love me. Right here. Love me."
Angel crushes her delicate, yet well muscled frame to his body and whispers in her ear, "who should I ask for permission to marry you?"
And they both break up into peals of laughter because there isn't anywhere that two men can get married, especially when both men are dead and raising cross-dressing children.
"We should at least go on a long and extensive honeymoon, you being rich and me having gone no further than the Abbey walls all my life. That horrible and greedy Giles can watch the children. I'm sure everything will be just fine while we travel."
And with that decided, they rip off Angel's clothing and cry bloody tears in their happiness at the joy of hot, tight, man-hole sex. Angel is surprised that he can get his entire fist in Spikina's hole, and Spikina is surprised at how average Angel's penis is, so he is grateful that his new-found love can get his fist in there, because PLEASE. A governess has needs of her own. With a bite and a growl and a "Mine/Yours!" cry, they have secured their fate as lovers for ever more.
News travels fast, and the vampires of the Abbey rejoice that Spikina will belong to the Captain (they could hear with their vampiric senses the Mine! Yours! yelled from the grounds in the night) and begin to party and feast on young virgins and puppies. Because they are vampires. Living in an Abbey, for hell's sake.
Chapter 5
[Setting]
A grand organ begins to play at the Abbey, filling the halls with its majestic, dear Lord, is that Pink Floyd? No, no it's Brahms, and it's majestic. The girls are helping their soon-to-be mother get dressed to be married to their father. Spikina has done some research and learned that they could marry in Canada. Apparently Canucks have no issues with dead cross-dressing vampires marrying. They had a civil service there, and it was swift, but Spikina wants the whole shebang and all eyes on her. This spectacle is to be Her. Big. Day.
Our bride is decked in a lovely silver, sequined body suit with a coordinating cream tutu. The body suit has a few "artistic" rips across the chest revealing her hard belly and a nipple. Instead of a veil, she has an avant garde arrangement of willow branches, cherry blossoms and oddly enough, a parrot. Xandl and Dawna are fluffing the (ahem) bride's tutu when the music changes and the girls hurry to their places. Dawnsa marches to the front, smiling because OMG! People are looking at her, finally! Xandl leans in to her former governess and kisses her cheek.
"I'm going to miss our governess/ward chats at night. Especially the ones that left us both sweaty and naked with our female penises in each other's bottoms."
Xandl heads to the front of the chapel, only Spikina and a gaggle of hissing Vampire nuns left. The Reverend Mother Darla pulls the tutu out a bit further in the front, wary of the effect the young (ahem) lady's words had on her former charge.
"Alright. Get down there and make Mama proud."
Spikina performs a few deep knee bends and high kicks it down to her waiting groom, Captain Angel vis Clap. As she marches, the Vampire nuns begin to sing in time with the organ.
(Vampire Nuns:)
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you make a gay man not a clown?
How do you write a gay man like Spikina?
A chick with dick? A vamp with a soul? No frown?
Spikina interrupts, "I can HEAR you! Do you mind? This is MY. BIG. DAY!!!"
With a stomp of her delicate foot (encased in a worn out black boot with 6 inch lifts) she makes her way to her adoring Angel, who has tears in his eyes. Apparently the priest was afraid of all the goddamn vampires running around and wore several strings of garlic around his neck. At least that smell overpowered the smell of burning vampires from the idiotic crosses the novices were forced to wear. Mother Darla enjoyed her games.
The priests tells Angel to take his bride's hand; their voices are choked with emotion as they claim each other (didn't we do this already?) and finally, Angel is told to kiss his wife. A huge cheer goes up in the church, Angel puts his hands at Spikina's waist and helps lift her as she jumps and pirouettes with glee.
The bells of the city are tolling, tolling...Jesus, they are STILL tolling after several hours. The constable goes to the church to tell the kid who rings the bells to quit. It seems the child was tangled in the ropes and couldn't get out, and thank GOD someone thought to check on him. The ringing in his ear never goes away.
While our heroine and hero are on their honeymoon, Giles VonRipper is tending the children. And by tending, I mean teaching them 7 part harmony and splashy dance moves as he plans on entering the children in the Sunnydale Singing Competition, Angel be damned.
Dawnsa questions Giles after 10 hours of synchronized arm movement practice, "Uncle Giles, won't father be angry that we are going to perform in public? Aside from performing on command for his friends at his gala, that is?"
"No, my dear child. When your father sees that more money can be made, that he can prove his national love by forcing, er, having you perform, and that you must practice out of the house for 10 hours a day... He'll come around."
Welsich whined, "why must we practice for so long, Uncle?"
"It's because of your sister, Drusilta. If only she wasn't constantly improvising her dance moves and bringing the heads of puppies onto the stage, we'd be far better off."
Drusilta hisses at Giles and sways to the music in her head. And it isn't in the same time as the song the children are currently choreographing, so she is placed in the back. Oz is also causing difficulties. He likes to stand still and nod a lot, so a fake guitar is handed to him.
A knock causes the children to run to the door. Faith is standing there with a letter for the Captain. Herr Lilah (work with me, people) is behind her.
"Am I to understand that the Captain and his, are you calling it a bride? haven't come back from their honeymoon yet?" Lilah queries.
Giles has taken off his glasses and is rubbing them furiously, FURIOUSLY! and replies, "No. We've had no contact with them for a month. I expect him home soon, however. Should I mention that you've come calling?"
"This isn't a social visit. I have orders to force the Captain to accept his new post with Wolfram & Hart, or kill you all. Have him read this note saying the very thing I just told you and then tell him to contact me immediately. Faith? The letter."
Xandl pipes in, "Faith, wouldn't you rather deliver that note later tonight? Say, in the gazebo after I've had time to purchase some lube?"
Faith sneers, "Pfft. In your dreams retard. Tell your gloomy dad and queerbait "mom" (Faith makes the quote marks with her fingers in a sarcastic manner) that they better not piss of the Big Bad. I'm weak, ultimately, and have to follow orders to feel loved. Probably because my mom was a drunk and didn't buy me a puppy. Later, nerd."
Xandl feels her heart is breaking. Who is going to pleasure her female penis now?
A new car is pulling up in the drive.
"Father! Mother!" the children exclaim as they drag their parents from the vehicle to tell them in a rush what all has happened.
"And a bitch came and said you have to work for them, which means you'll be gone more because you HATE me-"
"I can do the cha cha without falling over-"
"‘Sup."
"I'm still adorable with my flesh braids!"
"She said she wouldn't have sex with me anymore-"
"I will kill you all and eat your lungs, won't I, Miss Edith-"
"Your children are driving me absolutely batty. You better believe I'm making them perform in the concert."
"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed Angel. Everyone came to a standstill and the record that was playing in the great hall skipped, causing the needle to scratch over the whole record, underlying the sudden quiet.
"What? I laugh. Now, children, we've just walked in the door and you are already making me wish I stayed on my honeymoon and pleasured Spikina more. Like putting a key in her piss-slit. Everyone is doing it. Now, run along to the terrace where I've miraculously placed a large amount of gifts for each of you."
With much shoving and kicking, the children make their way outside to see the bounty. Angel turns to Giles for information, "Giles, tell me exactly what Lilah said."
"I'll do you one better. Read the note."
Spikina worries her hands at her tiny man-boobies. "I did think we would have more time."
"We'll leave tonight, darling. Tell the children to put on traveling clothes, we'll sneak out under the cover of darkness. And also because we are vampires and to leave in the daytime would be the death of us."
~~~
The girls, who are weak and incapable of doing any physical labor, with the exception of Xandl, she is built like a brick shit-house, pile into the Dodge conversion van, while Giles, Weslich (complaining about his hangnail, the sissy), Oz, and Angel are pushing the van down the driveway and out the majestic gates of the estate. A bright light shines on them unexpectedly. Angel winces and squints, trying to locate the source.
Herr Lilah steps out of the beam of light and walks a few steps towards the family and inquires, "Car trouble? Surely you aren't trying to sneak your family out of Sunnydale to avoid taking a distasteful job with a company you loathe?"
Everyone in the vis Clap family breaks out into nervous laughter, except Drusilta who asks her mummy if she can eat the nice looking lady yet. Captain Angel pats her on the arm to quiet her, then speaks to Herr Lilah.
"No, no, we were on our way to the festival to sing, but it seems we are having car trouble. But I don't want you to check into that, and I'd like it if you just left. Now."
Lilah nods to Faith, who runs over to the car, takes the key from Angel, wrinkles her nose at the lingering smell on it, gives Spikina a disgusted look (who just giggles and shrugs) and starts the car. "No problems here, Boss."
Resigned, the family piles into the Dodge conversion van where everyone has a captain chair (which bugs Captain vis Clap to NO end, because dammit, HE'S the Captain) and are followed to the festival.
The family has a plan, but in order to sneak out of the festival and make it to the Abbey, they have to perform some songs about snacks and flowers, first. The family then runs through their "Good-Bye" song, with the exception of Drusilta. She is making hissing and spitting noises, then bouncing up and down with her eyes closed and almost misses her cue to leave the stage.
When the song is complete, Giles vonRipper takes the stage. "I want to waste time and announce the other winners, but that is NOT to give the vis Clap family time to leave." He rambles through the list of finalists, then announces the first place winner.
"The Family vis Clap!"
Applause, but no family.
"The vis Clap Family Singers!"
More applause, and still no family on stage.
"Die Familien vis Clap!"
Faith runs onto the stage. "They're gone! Das splitten! Vamoose! Schnell! Schnell!"
~~~
Spikina bangs on the gates of the Abbey. "Oh, Reverend Mother, they are coming for us! Captain Angel is going to be forced to work for Wolfram & Hart, and I cannot stand the thought of being alone without him! I'll have to move back here with the children!"
It takes no time for Mother Darla to make a decision. "Get inside. Quickly. We'll help you all escape into the mountains." Mother Darla motions for the nuns to help with the younger children. "Many enemies are on their way here for eating, er, for the vis Clap family. We must stop them."
The family is instructed to hide in a crypt as there is now a steady banging on the gate. Spikina indicates for everyone to be silent. "Oh, why didn't we turn the children! Their breathing will give us all away!"
The lawyers of Wolfram & Hart stream into the Abbey, searching for signs of the missing family. After several harrowing minutes, they begin to leave. Faith, however, stays behind, perched on a tombstone - waiting.
The captain can take no more. He indicates for the family to head to the car so he can speak to Faith. He approaches her with his hands up.
"Faith, you don't want to do this."
"Oh, don't I? Maybe you aren't too clear on the sitch. You're fucked, dude."
"Faith, I know where you are coming from. I've been evil, too. But if I hadn't changed my ways, I wouldn't have found Spikina and true happiness. Well, not TRUE happiness, because no one wants that, but pleasure and my own fuck doll, but that's neither here nor there. Come with us, and make a new life for yourself. A life of pain, regret, and brooding, like me. You aren't one of them. Well, you ARE, but you could be one of us."
Faith looks at him questioningly, as if making a decision. "Chump. THEY'RE HERE!!!"
Angel races to the car where his family waits. Spikina was a simpering fool and didn't get in the driver's seat and start the car, so precious minutes are lost. But they escape the Abbey's walls right before the lawyers pour out and into their cars where THEY were smart enough to leave their drivers. But the cars don't go.
Harmony (secretly pleased at how fucking PRECIOUS she looks in her wimple, because she styles her bangs off to the side and secretly wears a bit of mascara, and-) looks to Mother Darla with contrition.
"Forgive me, Mother, for I have fed." She holds her hands out to reveal intestines and a liver, her mouth bloody from feasting on the lawyers' drivers. Mother Darla smiles, then vamps out, clangs a dinner bell, and tell the other novices, "Come and get it!" They descend on the lawyers, ensuring the family's safety.
~~~
The family is weary, but they are together and free. We last see them walking along a precarious knife edge on one of the grand mountains outside of Sunnydale, separating the glitz of Southern California from the great desert, where there won't be protection from the sun. They may be brave, but they aren't smart. Angel remembers they have a car at the base of the mountain, tells them all to pile back in, and they head for Las Vegas.
The Family vis Clap makes a fortune playing the Riviera Room. Clem grows up, but was never as cute as he was as a child. After plastic surgery, he becomes a high school counselor.
Marta was left behind at the house when the family left, thought that maybe everyone had gone to the Abbey, met up with the Reverend Mother Darla, and was promptly made an initiate. She found the vow of silence easy peasy.
Drusilta became a fortune teller, was quite successful, but began eating people who came to her with images of daisies floating over her head. The cops didn't buy that excuse, either.
Oz traveled the world, camped out on a mountaintop for a few years and had people from all over the world try and interpret his noncommital grunts and huhs, and they built many shrines in his honor. He got lots of tail.
Dawnsa FINALLY grew out of her whiney stage, became a gorgeous woman, and eventually married a nice computer programmer. He couldn't believe such a beautiful girl would marry a troll like him, so he always lavished attention on her, which is all she ever wanted.
Weslich came out of the closet when he was in his early twenties, was disappointed that no one made a big deal about it, then went about the business of running a dress shop. He never told his customers that he tried on all of the dresses before they went on the rack.
Xandl eventually dropped the charade of being a girl (I mean, with shoulders that broad and that Adam's apple...) and found a nice red-head that was quiet, and goofy and thought he was the bee's knees and married her. He found a job building things, and was eventually able to refer to his female bits as a penis. Because it was.
Captain Angel and Spikina lived for decades in peace, which became very boring, so they decided to have fist fights every few months to keep the spice alive. They formed a singing duet once the children had grown up enough to know they didn't want to turn out like the Jacksons. Angel and Spike had one big hit as "Cap'n and Spikina" but later faded into obscurity. And they stayed dead happily ever after.
A/N
*There was actually a wedding ensemble like I mentioned for Spikina. Sans the nipple tear and parrot, but everything else was as mentioned. Living in Dallas where the Bridal shows are held every year, you see some weird stuff.
** The parrot is obviously a shout out to dovil because she shares my parody (get it!!??) love.
I finished the Sound of Music parody fic, and am posting it in it's entirety here so I can save it in my memories as one part. I'll link to the last chapter for those who want some closure. Hee!! crazydiamondsue, this one goes out to you. After this, I need some sweet romance along the lines of Gilbert and Anne.
~~~~~~~~
The Sound of Sucking
Cast of Characters:
Adults
Maria - Spikina
Captain Von Trapp - Angel Vis Clap
Baroness Schraede -, Baroness Cordelia
Max Detweiler - Giles VonRipper
Reverend Mother - Darla
Nuns, cloistered at the Abbey - Harmony, assorted vamps
Herr Zeller (evil Nazi wannabe) - Fraulein Lilah
The Children - Character Names introduced further on
Liesl - Xander
Friedrich - Wesley
Louisa - Dawn
Kurt - Oz
Brigitta - Drusilla
Marta - herself
Gretl - Clem
Rolf - Faith
Chapter One
[Setting]
Sweeping hillside in Southern California, 1965. Old mission from weird religious sect that happened upon California five hundred years ago. Black Mass is about to begin.
Harmony and the other cloistered vamps cannot locate the newly interred Spikina. Reverend Mother asks if they have looked in all of the "usual places."
"Yes, Mother Darla. He isn't playing in my make-up or high heels, he wasn't brooding with many dangerous candles lit all around him, and Passions doesn't come on until morning! I... I think he's doing inappropriate things to himself."
(Harmony sings:) I've even heard him spanking in the Abbey!
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you make a gay man not a clown?
How do you write a gay man like Spikina?
A chick with dick? A vamp with a soul? No frown?
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you move his balls so he'll sit down?"
We cut to the moonlit garden behind the Abbey where Spikina is spinning like a top, hands outstretched, naked as a jaybird, and the forest creatures are huddled in fright at the edge of the forest.
(Sings:)
The hills are alive, with the sound of sucking
From Vamps that have fed for a thousand years...
The blood fills my head with the sound of sucking
My gay self wants to sing every song I hear...
"Oh! The time!" Spikina dashes to the Abbey to try and make the beginning of Black Mass, tucking stray platinum locks under his wimple. He runs directly into the Reverend Mother Darla.
"Reverend Mother! I... I couldn't help it. The furry creatures of the forest, the moon, my SOUL! They all cried out for me to prance and sing."
Mother Darla looks on at the flighty young vamp and decides he has no business in the Abbey. Well, none of the vamps did, really. All of the wasted medical supplies on cross burns, the constant smell of burning flesh, but ... They were there and didn't think too hard on it.
"Spikina, it is time for you to leave the Abbey for a spell. There is a dashing and handsome man who broods far more than is necessary who is in need of a governess. He was recently widowed and requires someone to raise his seven children while he travels. You will go live there and leave us in peace- or rather, you will just go and live with him."
Spikina is afraid, but doesn't dwell on things too much. He much prefers to be told what to do. He hums to himself about being confident in himself when he approaches the gates of the Vis Clap mansion. It's large enough to be a hotel, and why didn't he notice this house before while spinning on mountain tops above? Not one to be bothered by deep thinking, Spikina enters the home and spies a ballroom off the grand foyer. Ever the gay lad, er lass, she flings her carpetbag down and dashes into the grand gilt-covered room with candelabras to rival Liberace.
"Oh, I MUST have found a man of great taste and style to love so much gold and gilt and glitter! Methinks my heart will burst with joy!" And Spikina clasps her delicate hands to her tiny man-boobies and begins to dance and sway to the music in her head. Because she has the music in her.
SLAM!
Spikina whirls around to see the impressive figure cut by Angel Vis Clap, who is furrowing his mighty brow and looking quite angry with our heroine.
"Fraulein Spikina? Leave this room at once! It is my personal happy place, and you can tell from my well practiced glower that I don't come in here often. You will kindly remember that some rooms are not to be entered! Especially as I have a very large sign on the outside of this room that reads, ‘DO NOT ENTER.'"
Spikina sees the sign, gulps audibly and follows her new employer reproachfully into the grand hallway.
"Now, the first rule of this house is DISCIPLINE. You are the nine hundred and forty seventh governess we've had this summer."
"Good Lord! What on earth is wrong with your children?"
Angel backhands Spikina with such force that she is flown across the room, slams into a column (Grecian) and knocks chips of plaster loose. Angel is sad that he has something else to regret in his long life of remorse.
Spikina adjusts her dress to hide the visible hardness from her "surprisingly not female" penis. Spikina likes to be knocked around.
"There is nothing wrong with the children, I assure you," Angel's hard voice cuts through the arduous fug in Spikina's head.
Spikina can now hear sounds of growling and animal yipping, and a high sing-songy and eery lullaby. Angel puts his hand under his arm and makes a series of farting noises. Doors all over the house begin to open and bodies come flying out. A procession of children (some who look older than Spikina, and one who is DEFINITELY gay, but afraid to talk about it, and one who... well, it is becoming apparent why so many governesses had been to the Vis Clap family).
Angel begins to make specific fart noises under his arm and each child steps forth, reporting their name and age.
"Xandl, 16 and I don't NEED a governess."
"Oh, fine, then we shall just be great friends!"
Xandl tries to cover up the hardness growing in her "amazing that it isn't a female body part since she is a girl" penis.
"Weslich, 14, and I was Head Boy at my school this year."
"Dawnsa, 13, and I want you to get out, get out, GET OUT!"
"Oz. 11." A curt nod was all from this boy.
"Drusilta, and sometimes I hear the daisies crying out from the ground, the sound of their blood is a lullaby that makes the dirt sing such lovely songs... Miss Edith is 10, but she's been a bad girl."
"Marta."
Marta steps back in formation, remembers her mistake, then steps forward again.
"I'm seven, but the author couldn't think of anyone to be me in this production, so I'll disappear. But remember that my daddy had seven children, alright?" And with that, she disappears.
The adorable, and youngest child in the Vis Clap family steps forward, finger stuck in her mouth and darling braids of, dear, God, is it flesh tied up in ribbons? and speaks:
"Clemtl. I'm this many!" and holds out a chubby, flappy hand with five, er, things sticking up.
Spikina unpacks her guitar and asks if anyone has a special request from Ghost of the Robot when Angel interrupts, "Right. You've met the children. Make them march all day and breath deeply. Do not under any circumstances do anything that could be considered charitable or kind to them. My past theories on child rearing have obviously proven successful by the long line of governesses we've had through here, so adhere to my every word or I shall lock you up in my chamber of nasty treats, strip you, beat you soundlessly, rape your man-hole (you aren't fooling anyone in that get-up), make you fall in love with me, then dump you. Or just beat you a lot, it depends on my mood, really."
And with that revelation, he is off for "business" in Los Angeles, and by business, I mean he needs to have sex with a wealthy woman of some means and escape those freakish children of his. But they don't need to know about that.
~~~
Later that night, rocks tapping at a window draws Xandl into the night air. Waiting for her is her courier-lover, Faith, with a "message" for her. They escape to the conveniently romantic gazebo where they begin to circle each other in a COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS and miraculously harmonized song of their feelings for each other.
(Faith sings:)
Bitch, I don't sing.
(To Xandl:)
Get your pants off. Now.
Xandl is in mid-leap on the concrete steps that ring the gazebo when she realizes that she is the only one singing and dancing. Huh.
"But... I... am 16 going on 17? Totally unprepared am I!"
Faith shoves Xandl to the ground, whips off her belt and begins tying Xandl's hands together.
"Yeah. Fucking awesome. I've tried to get that ass of a father you have out of the house for weeks. If he knew about us he'd beat me like a bitch down in his "Happy Fun Room" again, only this time I wouldn't like it. Shut up. Let's fuck."
Faith rides Xandl, not caring that Xandl's back is being scraped raw on the hard floor. She gets hers, climbs off, unties Xandl's hands then helps him up into a sitting position on the concrete bench. She takes his cock (funny, it’s still not a female organ, yet Xandl has one, and it's a nice, long, thick one at that) into her mouth and sucks it to the root. Rain begins to lightly fall, promising a heavier downpour that is very symbolic to the liquids "raining" down their thighs currently. A quick squeeze on the balls and Faith achieves her goal. Xandl jumps to her (ahem) feet and with arms outstretched cries out, "WHEEEEEEE!"
Faith recoils in horror at the nerdiness on display, grabs her clothes and runs off yelling back over her shoulder, "you tell anyone and I'll fucking gut you, dumbass!"
Xandl is so elated by his first orgasm that she (ahem) doesn't care. She climbs the rose arbor to Spikina's bedroom to sneak back in. The rain is coming down with a vengeance, lightening and thunder are crashing.
Spikina throws a blanket over her lap, "Oh! Xandl! What on earth are you doing out in this weather? What have you been doing?"
Spikina closes her eyes and sniffs like a bloodhound. "You had your first orgasm! You are just covered in spunk, you poor dear. They didn't stay to finish the job?"
Xandl is trembling with fear. Surely Spikina isn't going to tell her (ahem) father?
"Here. Take those wet clothes off, slowly... SLOWLY! And tell Spikina all about what happened while I take care of this mess."
Xandl strips (he can't help it that his hips sway in a provocative manner while the dripping, tight clothes are peeled away from his gloriously taut flesh) and tells Spikina all about Faith riding his jock out on the concrete floor, trash and debris blowing about their heads like Mother Nature's breath coughing up lung cookies.
"Xandl, I don't understand. Faith did what with your female oversized clitoris?"
"She... She put it in her mouth. But she didn't use teeth, and she wrapped her tongue around it and drew it hard into her mouth so that all of it was in there, and the tip of my female penis was hitting the back of her throat."
"Huh. Laah thisth? Diihh theee thcrath lightly on youuah ballths?"
"Huh uh. Fuuuh-! I thought about putting my hands on her head like... GUH! Like this, and I thought about her putting a wet finger in MY-!"
"Thith? *slurp* Dih you thay three?"
"OHMYGODANDICAMELIKETHISWHENSHESUCKEDMYCOCKLIKETHATSOHARD FUCKYEAHFRAULEIN!"
The sound of Xandl "remembering" his orgasm with Faith coincided with a massive crash of thunder outside. All of the children came running in, eyes wide with fear. Weslich dove straight for Fraulein Spikina to find comfort in her crotch. He burrowed his face right down under the blankets, so great was his fear.
"Oh, Fraulein, we are so afraid! How will we ever be happy again?"
"Oh, children, you just need to think of things that make you happy to remind yourself that it won't always be as bad as right now, things like...."
(Spikina sings:)
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things...
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings,
When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!"
They all fall into a happy, "no more contention" lump of family-building love, except for Oz because he's too cool for that, and Drusilla who wandered off to lock up a chicken in a box, and Dawnsa who is just such a pouty, needy shit, and Weslich, who was still buried under the lap blanket of Spikina and was STILL trembling with fear, so much that he was practically BOUNCING up and down under that blanket, or so Spikina said when Xandl was pouty and asked for a reassuring hug from the new Fraulein.
"Now, off to bed with you all, except you Weslich, because it seems you need me to help soothe you a bit, right?"
A nod from under the blankets was seen, and Xandl looked mournfully at her new best friend, Fraulein Spikina, who looked back and mouthed, "five minutes!"
It seemed the singing, choreographed dance steps, and a little will power had won over the children. Spikina was now setting her sights on changing the stiff (guh) and rigid (wibble) Captain Angel Vis Clap.
"Darling, try four fingers. It's time you went off to bed, but not until you finish, alright?"
Chapter 2
[Setting]
We have a montage of moments with the children and Spikina singing and frolicking in their dresses made from tea towels. Spikina insisted that the boys needed "breathing room" and so their new play clothes are more loincloths than anything else.
As they ride in a carriage and confess to Fraulein Spikina that none of them know how to sing, Fraulein makes a most unusual face whereby she places her tongue behind her teeth and smirks at the children. She picks up her guitar (that is never far from her nimble fingers) and begins to play a few notes.
(Sings:)
The first thing to sing is ‘Val-er-ie'
(Children, looking nervously at one another:)
Val-er-ie
(Spikina, singing up the scale:)
Val-er-ie-but-I-wrote-Good-bye!
Oz squints and replies, "Dude. Enough of the GoTR stuff. It's not like I'm always harping on the Dingoes. ‘Cause we kinda sucked."
Spikina replies, "Fair enough. I want all of you children to learn how to behave in proper society, as your father is bringing back the Baroness Cordelia to become your new mother."
The children eye each other with trepidation.
"I'll teach you to put on a hand puppet program to woo her and make her not shove you in the oven."
"Fraulein Spikina, will we play hand puppets like you taught me last night?"
"No, my precious Xandl. This is a different way with strings and choreography and will have real production value."
Weslich becomes jealous of this special hand puppet game his big sister knows and buries his head back in the crotch of his governess. His sobs have an odd slurping quality. Fraulein Spikina is a considerate person, and throws a lap blanket over him to hide his, um, salty white tears from the other children.
They arrive home and frolic and play the Eskimo way, that is, in close quarters to keep warm, but then they become so warm they must doff their hot, form-fitting tea cloths. The sound of under-arm farting means Captain Vis Clap is home, so they all rush to stand before him and receive disapproving stares. No one has remembered they were playing Eskimo and all the children are naked.
"FRAULEIN! What is the meaning of this? Children, get your proper clothes on and march about breathing deeply AT ONCE. Fraulein, a word."
Angel steps off to the side, Spikina joins him.
"What happened to the threat of me beating you into oblivion, until the flesh hangs off your bones, of me ramming my hard, incredibly average penis into your prepared poop-chute until you beg for mercy, or for a reach around, or for a full mouthed, wet, slow, tongue sliding on your teeth, hot moans into my open mouth, cock rubbing against cock... What happened to my surly, angry, deformed children?"
"I'll tell you! Xandl is becoming a woman and needs a man to show her how! How to please herself when the inevitable happens: three times in one night isn't enough! And Weslich. He also needs a man to show him, not that you'd ever notice. He cries into my mouth every night, I mean my ear, and Dawnsa steals everything that isn't nailed down, but she gets on my nerves, so I call her sweet names then lock her in her room, because honestly, I couldn't stand to have her around longer than possible, and Oz! He just wants to be a man, but he's a werewolf, not that you'd even KNOW it! And little whatsername that took off that first day, and Drusilta is the oddest bir-"
"ENOUGH!" roars Angel. He grabs Spikina by the she-stick that is poking out in a most becoming manner and leads her to the stairs. "Pack your things and be gone at ONCE!"
Suddenly, the features on our angry, sullen Captain melt into peace as he hears the sounds coming from the ballroom. The children...are singing?
(Children Singing, but not Oz because he's too cool to perform on demand:)
High on his horse, Cap'n Angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl ay hee hoo
Loud was the sigh, ev-er-y-one had heard
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Weslich and Spikina sing a duet:)
Men in the midst of menage a'tois heard
Lay odl ay odl ay hmm hmm
Men having sex but not say-ing a word
Lay odl ay odl oo
(Spikina has a solo:)
One pretty vamp in a black leather coat heard
Lay odl ay odl ay oo hoo
He yodeled back to his angel, that turd
Lay odl ay odl oo.
(All, Children answering Spikina's yodel:)
Odl ay ee, (odl ay ee)
Odl ay hee hee (odl ay hee hee)
Odl ay HEE! (Odl ay HEE!)
Odl ay HEE HEE! (Odl ay HEE HEE!)
O ho ho lady odl ay O, ho ho lady odl ay
O ho ho lady odl ay O, lady odl ay O lay WHEE!
(Drusilta:)
Hums nonsense off-key, wanders outside and pokes out the eyes of a duck.
The Baroness Cordelia is sitting slack jawed, eyes searching for a quick exit.
"Um, Angel? I know you have lots of money or whatever, but..." she gestures with her chin, eyes wide and disbelieving, then back to Angel, "nuh uh."
Cap'n Vis Clap ignores her and runs to the children, tripping over a bird cage filled with dead frogs and fish, he giggles to himself, "Oh, Drusilta. You remind me of your mother. She was bat-shit crazy, too."
The children pile on their dad as Angel laughs at the overeagerness of his son Weslich getting his skin as cloooose to dad as possible and rubbing up and down.
Giles VonRipper walks in clapping. "Excellent. I shall market you as the ‘Family of Freaks Who Sing' and make a fortune! You are performing tomorrow. Angel, throw a lavish party, invite heads of state, and make your children perform to the delight of the crowd, which will end in a completely unprepared, yet perfectly harmonized ‘good-bye' from said crowd."
Baroness Cordelia perks up at the prospect of a party, "Oh my gosh, I only brought five gowns to wear! I need to find the one that accentuates my boobs the best."
While the Baroness wanders off discussing lighting and cleavage, Angels takes this moment to speak to Spikina.
"Fraulein, I had completely forgotten that I had responsibilities as a father to these children aside from just feeding and sheltering them. Please don't leave."
"Oh, Captain! Love them, love them all! Love me! Meep!"
Angel sees Spikina is a whole new light. First off, Spikina is still naked. And happy. Very happy, apparently. Second, the governess was able to draw out the children and force them to please others and do their bidding, always appealing to a dominating parent... Yes, Spikina should stay.
Spinkina is afraid of these feelings coursing through her, making her female "that isn't a penis, is it?" hard and trembly. With hands to her cheeks (ouch! They cut like a knife!) She dashes upstairs to sort through her feelings, and to get some goddamn clothes on, for hell's sake.
Baroness Cordelia watches from the great hall and sees her chance at lots of money (well, more because she already has, like, loads and stuff) slipping away. She links her arm with Giles VonRipper and leads him to over to Angel.
"Darling, we need to make arrangements for this fabulous party where you will see me in a perfect outfit, accentuating my ridiculously beautiful decolletage and tiny waist, fall madly in love with me and marry me on the spot. Then we'll pack off these freaks, um, your children to boarding school and I'll begin to shop in earnest."
Angel is still watching Spikina walk slowly to her room to get dressed, hips swaying, female penis swinging (my Lord, that thing is huge!) and hasn't really listened to the plans of the Baroness.
"Mmm, yes. Fine, fine. Giles, make it so."
~~~
Later that afternoon finds the Baroness brushing her luxurious mane of hair in her dressing room, talking out loud.
"And when I get rid of that bitch from this house, QUIT LOOKING AT ME, I'll have all that money to myself. Look, if you don't WANT to be here, you can just head off to your room."
Xandl stands and wipes the cinnamon scented dew from his cheeks when the Baroness slaps him and shoves him back down between her legs. "Sheayuh. Not likely. And use a finger or three for hell's sake. You're like, supposed to please your guests and stuff, so get to it.
"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm going to buy a yacht, and a bunch of cars, and hire Tom Ford to design all my clothes, and unnn, yeah, juuust like th- oh GOD! Damn, you have long fingers. Now suck on it hard. Shhhhhi-! Mmmm. Maybe you I keep around..."
"I don't understand, Baroness. Why is your penis not here? You're a girl just like me."
"I didn't force you in here to talk. Now go get me a hot washcloth. And then get out. I have to get fabulous for a party."
Chapter 3
[Setting]
The house is filling up with guests for the ball. Spikina and the children are on the terrace watching the party guests eat fine food and dance. Weslich and Dawnsa are attempting to waltz to the music playing for the guests, but are having a hard time deciding who WON'T lead.
Oz leans against the edge of the terrace and makes a "pfft" sound. Xandl laughs, "Why don't you try to dance? Or are you afraid of women?"
Weslich makes a "meep!" and dives under the skirt of Spikina to shake the fear away. And is apparently embarrassed by the white, salty tears that have coursed all the way to his chin after a few minutes of under-skirt shaking.
Oz retorts, "Only grown up men and pussies like Weslich are afraid of grown-up women."
A loud gulp is heard from the direction of Fraulein Spikina's skirts. With a large sigh, Spikina draws Weslich out from hiding. "Now, now children, if you are to be a part of society, you must learn to dance properly like ladies and gentlemen. Xandl? Let me show you how to waltz."
Xandl rockets to Spikina's ready arms and they begin to one-two-three, one-two-three in time to the music. Xandl draws nears to the Governess and whispers, "I've learned a few dance moves from our South American banker. The Forbidden Dance?"
Spikina whispers back, "meet me in my chambers at midnight."
A tap on her shoulder leaves her breathless. Mainly because she's a vampire and doesn't breathe. But also because she can sense (with her vampiric sonar for hot and willing dudes) that Captain Angel vis Clap is behind her.
"May I?"
Without a word, and with her mouth gaping like a trout, she allows Angel to lead her into a complicated series of hops, skips, and the hokey-pokey. She dreams that the Captain knows the Abbey's version of the hokey-pokey with other appendages to stick in and out...
A twirl, a twist, hands reaching, they move about the courtyard while the children watch, Weslich rubbing an itch, no doubt, on one of the columns as his Daddy twirls his best new friend, Fraulein Spikina. As Spikina twirls and spins in a circle, faster and faster, Angel leans over and pops the hem of her skirt up with his palms showing everyone her panties-
"I feel so free!"
Everyone tries to hide their eyes, except for brave, loyal Weslich who can't seem to tear his eyes away.
Angel grabs one of the flailing arms of the saucy governess and pulls her close. Their eyes lock with an audible click.
"Oh, are you all out here? I couldn't open the door until I remembered I had a key. You should have the groundsman oil this lock. Noisy bugger. Wouldn't you say, Baroness Cordelia?"
"I don't know, Giles!?! Angel, they are playing a lovely song, and I know you wouldn't want this dress to go to waste. Not to mention my hair and makeup that took hours to perfect and don't you look, um, domestic, Fraulein in your scrub wool smock. The two of you look divine out here dancing, by the way, and in case you couldn't tell, I'm being SARCASTIC. Come on, Angel."
Spikina holds her face in her hands, willing the blush to fade. "I.. I'll see to the children, Captain. We have a special surprise prepared for your guests. You know how you are a slave driver and want your children to ask how high when you tell them to jump?"
Giles VonRipper cuts into the conversation. "Actually, Fraulein, that would be me, but I am obviously the Captain's butt monkey, so feel free to blame him."
"Yes. And as my "butt monkey" as you put it, you will kindly shut up and move aside so I can take the Baroness' arm to dance with her?"
"Yeah, Giles. Move it or lose it."
The children and Spikina dash to the main entrance to perform a "good-night" number for the guest of the Captain, like the good little do-be's they are. Weslich is reminded that he doesn't need to dab a little glitter on his cheeks before they hit the stairs and get the crowd's attention.
(All the children, with exception to Drusilta, who is wandering about, plucking the feathers from a songbird and muttering, "He loves me... He loves me not.:)
There's a sad little moaning from the girl in the hall
And there's bats in her belfry too
Our little sister's an absurd bird
Don't you know she's quite coo-coo (coo-coo, coo-coo)
Regretfully she's quite coo-coo
But you know that we are all coo-coo
We say goodbye coo-coo...
To you...
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-bye
(Marta:)
I hate you all, I wish you all a blight
(and disappears again while the other children do a complicated jazz hands/rainbow hands dance move)
So long, farewell, au revoir, and audieu
(Weslich:)
Have sex, have sex, with you and you and you (points to attractive men in audience, leaves with a grand jete and a wink)
So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen
(Xandl:)
I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne
Yes?
(Captain:)
No (kicks her up the stairs to the delight of the misogynistic crowd)
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight
(Oz:)
(does a head nod and takes the stairs three at a time)
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodnight
(Drusilta:)
I named all the stars the same name - there is great confusion in the heavens. I will drink your blood before the night is over... Miss Edith doesn't like your party.
So long, farewell, auf Weidersehen, good night
(Dawnsa:)
I wish you all would leave, get out, GET OUT!
(Slowly and more quietly)
(Clem:)
The sun... has gone... to bed and so must I...
So long...farewell...auf Wiedersehen goodbye...
Goodbye...
(Spikina gathers up sleepy wittle Clem in her flesh braided cuteness and carries her up the stairs, singing for all it's worth)
Goodbye....
Goodbye....
(Guests:)
All RIGHT!
Baroness Cordelia sees a chance to nip this bitch in her not female pink bud while the guests are all wandering off discussing how weird it was that the Captain used his kids for cheap entertainment, and what was the DEAL with that weird girl who hurts things and hums? Weren't there supposed to be seven vis Clap children? Huh.
Fraulein Spikina was changing out of her simple peasant dress (that accentuated her pert boobies, truth be told) into something suitable for the party.
"Here. Let me help you pick out something that won't make you look like the Ugly Truck drove over you. I know! Why don't you put on that potato sack you had on the other day when the Captain was checking out your PENIS."
"What?"
"Come on. One of us is a woman, and one of us is packing a thunder stick. Don't pretend you haven't noticed. The Captain certainly has."
"The Captain notices everything that sticks out, so long as it doesn't interfere with his brooding..."
"You know what's hilarious in that not even a little bit, funny way? That he thinks he's in love with you. Well, let me tell you something Miss Yodel. You may think you're hot shit with the singing and puppet stuff, but when it comes to confused men, no one can get them into bed faster than me. He may think he loves you with your whole Madonna thing, but they only want to turn the Madonna into their personal whore. If you leave right now, you may still be able to get back to the Abbey before they close up shop for the night."
Spikina is scandalized that her feelings for the Captain are obvious. She grabs her things, takes her guitar under an arm and dashes out of the house. The Baroness, it seems, is the winner.
Cordelia looks at herself in the mirror. "Just a quick change, then I'll let Angel know that we are to be married by the end of the week. Why am I always talking to myself? Oh yeah. Because I'm the bad guy."
~~
The party is in full swing when the Baroness begins her descent down the stairs. She hollers out in a sing-songy voice, "Oh, Captain vis Clap? Do you think we have an announcement?"
Baroness Cordelia has changed into a black two piece outfit bedecked and bedazzled. It is a two piece because her large protruding belly needs space to breathe. Bows slide across cello strings causing a discordant noise, guests gasp, and Angel looks up at his escort. Xandl (who has been peeking through the balustrade to catch a glimpse of the adults at their games) stands up in horror. "But... but I just tasted her cinnabon-bon. I couldn't have done that... Could I?"
A woman swoons and falls to the floor. Angel rushes to Cordelia's side. "What's going on? Where's Fraulein Spikina?"
"She had to bail. Something about these troglodytes you call kids. But forget about her." The Baroness begins rubbing her belly against Angel's thigh. "What about us? Remember me? The ACTUAL date?"
"Baroness - you - how did... I haven't?"
"What are you babbling about?"
Angel points to her very obvious and protruding belly.
"Oh! No, no. Hang on." Baroness Cordelia turns her head, puts a dainty hand to her mouth and gives a window shattering belch, that smells strangely of fish and vanilla. "‘Scuse me. Shall we?"
Shocked beyond words, Captain vis Clap takes her hand and is lead to a waltz among the murmuring guests. Far off in the hills, a lonely and limp Vampire/Nun/Songstress says goodbye to the family she has come to love.
Chapter 4
[Setting]
Spikina is entering the Abbey, tears running down her face, because she is just SO distraught. And easily defeated. And a pushover. She runs to the Reverend Mother Darla's chambers and throws herself into a chair. When the Reverend Mother makes no move to speak, Spikina throws her hand to her face and sighs. Nothing. Bigger sigh and a sob this time.
"Yes, my Childe? What brings you back here to the Abbey? I thought I made myself clear that we wanted you gon- uh, heh, that the Captain needed you. (Mutters to herself:) That'll teach that asshole to dump me for that blonde goody-goody chick."
"Oh, Mother, I began to have feelings for the Captain - he's so handsome and broody and can never be happy and that is just SO attractive in a man - but the Baroness said he knew that I had a penis, um, large pink oboe, and I was sent there to do a job with the children, and I have, Mother, I have! But to fall in love with each other so quickly and easily would be boring and make the story end sooner. I don't know... I don't KNOW! There were times when I'd look at him, and he'd order the children to march about, or would be quiet and sulky and, Oh Mother... I couldn't BREATHE!"
"That's because you are a vampire, dear. Now if the problem is that you are afraid of your, well, ‘enlarged clitoris that is exactly the same as a penis,' will distress him, then you must search your heart, and tuck it under."
The Reverend Mother shows Spikina how to move her female nodules back and push her "okay, let's just call it a penis because this is getting silly" penis back, hold her thighs together and stand, arms out. Spikina is led to a mirror and given a large scarf to hold behind her, grasped in her hands. She cannot believe the transformation.
"I'd sing to me. I'd sing to me so hard."
The Reverend Mother has quickly and efficiently packed all of Spikina's things while she has been admiring her smooth genital area.
"Off you go, dear! Chop, chop. We wouldn't want the Captain to not have his gift from me, now would we? Oh. And you are supposed to find yourself, help them out, yadda yadda. Bye bye!"
We next see Spikina determined, brave, and walking with purpose back to the Captain and the children not caring that she just walked all the way back up into the mountains. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
We see the children the day after Fraulein Spikina has fled, fearful her penis, er, love for Angel has been discovered. The children are sprawled about the grounds, completely incapacitated, such is their grief.
Giles VonRipper is trying to encourage them to sing, which is his sneaky way of making them practice because he wants to exploit their abilities like a Bangladeshi shoe-factory owner. The children sing = he gets rich.
Baroness Cordelia wants to ensure the Captain that the rash decision to get married the night Spikina left wasn't a rash decision. She approaches a few of them lying prostate, faces frozen in sorrow.
"Who wants to bounce a ball or something? Isn't that what you people do? I mean, I don't sing or anything. I'm more the hot chick in the video type. Hello? Someone better than you is talking?"
Xandl stands and half-heartedly bounces a ball at her; Cordelia flinches and gets two on the arm.
"Okay! That was fun.” Eye roll. “You kids do your little depression thing." The Baroness turns to walk back to the house and mouths to no one in particular, "Boarding school. Pronto."
Dawnsa moans to the group, "I don't think I'll ever be cheerful again."
Oz replies in a sarcastic tone, which is a lot like his other tones, "nice one, Ronald."
Welisch bounces up on his toes (easier for him since he has on a pair of 4 inch Manolo's that match his Lederhosen perfectly, like oh my God!) and reminds the children, "whenever Fraulein Spikina was sad, she had us sing about our favorite things. Let's try!"
(The children, slow and sad:)
Rings of Amarra and poker with kittens,
Locking the door on a room full of sit-ins,
Pretty young men who are tied up with strings
(A voice can be heard in the distance growing louder:)
These are a few of my favorite things!
The children cry out, "Fraulein Spikina!"
(They all finish the song together, voices triumphant:)
Cream colored spunk pools and black 501 jeans
Blood drunk from goblets and boys who are SO mean
Sucking real hard on a man's ding-a ling,
These are a few of my favorite things!
When they won't bite, when my ass stings, when I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad!"
(Final note ascending and descending on the music scale.)
They all fall into a heap, Weslich managing to fall so his head lands into his beloved governess' lap.
Sweet, adorable Clem cries, "Fraulein, you left without even saying goodbye!"
Xandl looks to her governess and questions, "Why did you leave? Did you know that Father is going to marry that bitc- um, the Baroness?"
Spikina slumps, then quickly remembers the words of the Reverend Mother Darla, and sticks her chin out (come on, y'all. It is a bit short for those features.) and replies, "it doesn't matter. Anyway, the reason doesn't exist anymore."
Spikina shifts her hips in discomfort while Weslich looks up to her with large puppy-dog eyes and whimpers.
Captain vis Clap comes out to see what all the commotion is about and finds Spikina standing with the children.
"Fraulein! You've come back! You didn't even say goodbye. Not even to the children. Off you go, children. I must speak with Fraulein."
The children are sad, but have had it ingrained that to disobey means to wear god-awful uniforms and be forced to march around breathing deeply, so they all flee to their rooms.
"Fraulein, why did you leave? I think a better question is, why have you returned?"
The Baroness steps outside and sees her nemesis has returned. "Oh! Look who's come back! Did you bring your penis with you?" She links her arm into Angel's.
"Let's just say I've come back for the children until a suitable person can be found as a replacement."
"Oh, didn't you know? Cappy and I are getting married. I guess he wants a REAL woman."
Angel is a complete pussy at this point and lets the Baroness pull him away to wander about the inside of his house and be far away from Spikina. Spikina, on the other hand, takes it upon herself to wander onto the grounds, moving with fluid grace, pausing every moment to lean against a tree in a picturesque manner. She does this for about an hour, hoping that the Captain will accidentally on purpose wander out, see her silhouette (her penis-free silhouette) and fall madly in love with her. Which is exactly what happens, thank goodness.
The Baroness is hot on Angel's heels when she sees the Captain sigh, his dead, dusty heart filled with love for the precious and dainty governess, who possesses a high, clear soprano that would make the angels weep. And Angel is weeping, the big ol' softy.
"So, I was thinking that you could buy me my own department store as a wedding gift, that way I could always be sure to have exactly what I want, and that you could put an ad in the newspapers around the world saying how beautiful and fantastic I am, and are you even listening to me?" Cordelia spins Angel around to look at her when she sees the tear streaks on his face.
"Oh. My. God. I think I need a little more MAN in my man, and you are just a big fucking cry-baby. I am so out of here!" And as she ascends the staircase to gather her things and make a dramatic exit, she delivers her parting shot, "Ya fuckin' BOOB!"
Angel is filled with love for the frail, bird-like, retiring governess who has won his heart. She flinches when he approaches her (that's two on the arm) but he is able to soothe her by shoving his tongue down her throat.
"Oh, Captain, I've loved you for so long. I only wanted you. Even when I was instructing the children on how to love again, I only wanted to teach you, you big lug!"
Spikina begins to sing about ‘somewhere in her youth or childhood,' but the Captain is really cramming his tongue in her mouth, so she stops. Angel slides his hands up her smooth, waxed thighs, fingers searching for her lightening rod of love. Searching... searching...
Angel pulls away with a loud smack and a line of spittle connecting their mouths. Spikina giggles and wipes the drool away with the back of her hand. "What... what is it, Angel?"
"Where's your dick?"
"I'm sorry? But.. The Baroness. She's a woman and you liked her! I thought you only liked women!"
"Yeah, I used to, but then you came along, and you are more of a woman than all the women I've loved put together, especially because you are packing cock-meat."
And with this realization, Spikina realizes that her penis is a magic penis, a penis that brings people together in love and she doesn't need to hide from it any longer. She stands, rips her dress from her body, and spreads her legs. Her twig and berries spring forth, with a little tremor, and she throws her hands on her hips, proud of her body.
"Oh, Captain. Love me. Right here. Love me."
Angel crushes her delicate, yet well muscled frame to his body and whispers in her ear, "who should I ask for permission to marry you?"
And they both break up into peals of laughter because there isn't anywhere that two men can get married, especially when both men are dead and raising cross-dressing children.
"We should at least go on a long and extensive honeymoon, you being rich and me having gone no further than the Abbey walls all my life. That horrible and greedy Giles can watch the children. I'm sure everything will be just fine while we travel."
And with that decided, they rip off Angel's clothing and cry bloody tears in their happiness at the joy of hot, tight, man-hole sex. Angel is surprised that he can get his entire fist in Spikina's hole, and Spikina is surprised at how average Angel's penis is, so he is grateful that his new-found love can get his fist in there, because PLEASE. A governess has needs of her own. With a bite and a growl and a "Mine/Yours!" cry, they have secured their fate as lovers for ever more.
News travels fast, and the vampires of the Abbey rejoice that Spikina will belong to the Captain (they could hear with their vampiric senses the Mine! Yours! yelled from the grounds in the night) and begin to party and feast on young virgins and puppies. Because they are vampires. Living in an Abbey, for hell's sake.
Chapter 5
[Setting]
A grand organ begins to play at the Abbey, filling the halls with its majestic, dear Lord, is that Pink Floyd? No, no it's Brahms, and it's majestic. The girls are helping their soon-to-be mother get dressed to be married to their father. Spikina has done some research and learned that they could marry in Canada. Apparently Canucks have no issues with dead cross-dressing vampires marrying. They had a civil service there, and it was swift, but Spikina wants the whole shebang and all eyes on her. This spectacle is to be Her. Big. Day.
Our bride is decked in a lovely silver, sequined body suit with a coordinating cream tutu. The body suit has a few "artistic" rips across the chest revealing her hard belly and a nipple. Instead of a veil, she has an avant garde arrangement of willow branches, cherry blossoms and oddly enough, a parrot. Xandl and Dawna are fluffing the (ahem) bride's tutu when the music changes and the girls hurry to their places. Dawnsa marches to the front, smiling because OMG! People are looking at her, finally! Xandl leans in to her former governess and kisses her cheek.
"I'm going to miss our governess/ward chats at night. Especially the ones that left us both sweaty and naked with our female penises in each other's bottoms."
Xandl heads to the front of the chapel, only Spikina and a gaggle of hissing Vampire nuns left. The Reverend Mother Darla pulls the tutu out a bit further in the front, wary of the effect the young (ahem) lady's words had on her former charge.
"Alright. Get down there and make Mama proud."
Spikina performs a few deep knee bends and high kicks it down to her waiting groom, Captain Angel vis Clap. As she marches, the Vampire nuns begin to sing in time with the organ.
(Vampire Nuns:)
How do you solve a problem like Spikina?
How do you make a gay man not a clown?
How do you write a gay man like Spikina?
A chick with dick? A vamp with a soul? No frown?
Spikina interrupts, "I can HEAR you! Do you mind? This is MY. BIG. DAY!!!"
With a stomp of her delicate foot (encased in a worn out black boot with 6 inch lifts) she makes her way to her adoring Angel, who has tears in his eyes. Apparently the priest was afraid of all the goddamn vampires running around and wore several strings of garlic around his neck. At least that smell overpowered the smell of burning vampires from the idiotic crosses the novices were forced to wear. Mother Darla enjoyed her games.
The priests tells Angel to take his bride's hand; their voices are choked with emotion as they claim each other (didn't we do this already?) and finally, Angel is told to kiss his wife. A huge cheer goes up in the church, Angel puts his hands at Spikina's waist and helps lift her as she jumps and pirouettes with glee.
The bells of the city are tolling, tolling...Jesus, they are STILL tolling after several hours. The constable goes to the church to tell the kid who rings the bells to quit. It seems the child was tangled in the ropes and couldn't get out, and thank GOD someone thought to check on him. The ringing in his ear never goes away.
While our heroine and hero are on their honeymoon, Giles VonRipper is tending the children. And by tending, I mean teaching them 7 part harmony and splashy dance moves as he plans on entering the children in the Sunnydale Singing Competition, Angel be damned.
Dawnsa questions Giles after 10 hours of synchronized arm movement practice, "Uncle Giles, won't father be angry that we are going to perform in public? Aside from performing on command for his friends at his gala, that is?"
"No, my dear child. When your father sees that more money can be made, that he can prove his national love by forcing, er, having you perform, and that you must practice out of the house for 10 hours a day... He'll come around."
Welsich whined, "why must we practice for so long, Uncle?"
"It's because of your sister, Drusilta. If only she wasn't constantly improvising her dance moves and bringing the heads of puppies onto the stage, we'd be far better off."
Drusilta hisses at Giles and sways to the music in her head. And it isn't in the same time as the song the children are currently choreographing, so she is placed in the back. Oz is also causing difficulties. He likes to stand still and nod a lot, so a fake guitar is handed to him.
A knock causes the children to run to the door. Faith is standing there with a letter for the Captain. Herr Lilah (work with me, people) is behind her.
"Am I to understand that the Captain and his, are you calling it a bride? haven't come back from their honeymoon yet?" Lilah queries.
Giles has taken off his glasses and is rubbing them furiously, FURIOUSLY! and replies, "No. We've had no contact with them for a month. I expect him home soon, however. Should I mention that you've come calling?"
"This isn't a social visit. I have orders to force the Captain to accept his new post with Wolfram & Hart, or kill you all. Have him read this note saying the very thing I just told you and then tell him to contact me immediately. Faith? The letter."
Xandl pipes in, "Faith, wouldn't you rather deliver that note later tonight? Say, in the gazebo after I've had time to purchase some lube?"
Faith sneers, "Pfft. In your dreams retard. Tell your gloomy dad and queerbait "mom" (Faith makes the quote marks with her fingers in a sarcastic manner) that they better not piss of the Big Bad. I'm weak, ultimately, and have to follow orders to feel loved. Probably because my mom was a drunk and didn't buy me a puppy. Later, nerd."
Xandl feels her heart is breaking. Who is going to pleasure her female penis now?
A new car is pulling up in the drive.
"Father! Mother!" the children exclaim as they drag their parents from the vehicle to tell them in a rush what all has happened.
"And a bitch came and said you have to work for them, which means you'll be gone more because you HATE me-"
"I can do the cha cha without falling over-"
"‘Sup."
"I'm still adorable with my flesh braids!"
"She said she wouldn't have sex with me anymore-"
"I will kill you all and eat your lungs, won't I, Miss Edith-"
"Your children are driving me absolutely batty. You better believe I'm making them perform in the concert."
"Ha, ha, ha!" laughed Angel. Everyone came to a standstill and the record that was playing in the great hall skipped, causing the needle to scratch over the whole record, underlying the sudden quiet.
"What? I laugh. Now, children, we've just walked in the door and you are already making me wish I stayed on my honeymoon and pleasured Spikina more. Like putting a key in her piss-slit. Everyone is doing it. Now, run along to the terrace where I've miraculously placed a large amount of gifts for each of you."
With much shoving and kicking, the children make their way outside to see the bounty. Angel turns to Giles for information, "Giles, tell me exactly what Lilah said."
"I'll do you one better. Read the note."
Spikina worries her hands at her tiny man-boobies. "I did think we would have more time."
"We'll leave tonight, darling. Tell the children to put on traveling clothes, we'll sneak out under the cover of darkness. And also because we are vampires and to leave in the daytime would be the death of us."
~~~
The girls, who are weak and incapable of doing any physical labor, with the exception of Xandl, she is built like a brick shit-house, pile into the Dodge conversion van, while Giles, Weslich (complaining about his hangnail, the sissy), Oz, and Angel are pushing the van down the driveway and out the majestic gates of the estate. A bright light shines on them unexpectedly. Angel winces and squints, trying to locate the source.
Herr Lilah steps out of the beam of light and walks a few steps towards the family and inquires, "Car trouble? Surely you aren't trying to sneak your family out of Sunnydale to avoid taking a distasteful job with a company you loathe?"
Everyone in the vis Clap family breaks out into nervous laughter, except Drusilta who asks her mummy if she can eat the nice looking lady yet. Captain Angel pats her on the arm to quiet her, then speaks to Herr Lilah.
"No, no, we were on our way to the festival to sing, but it seems we are having car trouble. But I don't want you to check into that, and I'd like it if you just left. Now."
Lilah nods to Faith, who runs over to the car, takes the key from Angel, wrinkles her nose at the lingering smell on it, gives Spikina a disgusted look (who just giggles and shrugs) and starts the car. "No problems here, Boss."
Resigned, the family piles into the Dodge conversion van where everyone has a captain chair (which bugs Captain vis Clap to NO end, because dammit, HE'S the Captain) and are followed to the festival.
The family has a plan, but in order to sneak out of the festival and make it to the Abbey, they have to perform some songs about snacks and flowers, first. The family then runs through their "Good-Bye" song, with the exception of Drusilta. She is making hissing and spitting noises, then bouncing up and down with her eyes closed and almost misses her cue to leave the stage.
When the song is complete, Giles vonRipper takes the stage. "I want to waste time and announce the other winners, but that is NOT to give the vis Clap family time to leave." He rambles through the list of finalists, then announces the first place winner.
"The Family vis Clap!"
Applause, but no family.
"The vis Clap Family Singers!"
More applause, and still no family on stage.
"Die Familien vis Clap!"
Faith runs onto the stage. "They're gone! Das splitten! Vamoose! Schnell! Schnell!"
~~~
Spikina bangs on the gates of the Abbey. "Oh, Reverend Mother, they are coming for us! Captain Angel is going to be forced to work for Wolfram & Hart, and I cannot stand the thought of being alone without him! I'll have to move back here with the children!"
It takes no time for Mother Darla to make a decision. "Get inside. Quickly. We'll help you all escape into the mountains." Mother Darla motions for the nuns to help with the younger children. "Many enemies are on their way here for eating, er, for the vis Clap family. We must stop them."
The family is instructed to hide in a crypt as there is now a steady banging on the gate. Spikina indicates for everyone to be silent. "Oh, why didn't we turn the children! Their breathing will give us all away!"
The lawyers of Wolfram & Hart stream into the Abbey, searching for signs of the missing family. After several harrowing minutes, they begin to leave. Faith, however, stays behind, perched on a tombstone - waiting.
The captain can take no more. He indicates for the family to head to the car so he can speak to Faith. He approaches her with his hands up.
"Faith, you don't want to do this."
"Oh, don't I? Maybe you aren't too clear on the sitch. You're fucked, dude."
"Faith, I know where you are coming from. I've been evil, too. But if I hadn't changed my ways, I wouldn't have found Spikina and true happiness. Well, not TRUE happiness, because no one wants that, but pleasure and my own fuck doll, but that's neither here nor there. Come with us, and make a new life for yourself. A life of pain, regret, and brooding, like me. You aren't one of them. Well, you ARE, but you could be one of us."
Faith looks at him questioningly, as if making a decision. "Chump. THEY'RE HERE!!!"
Angel races to the car where his family waits. Spikina was a simpering fool and didn't get in the driver's seat and start the car, so precious minutes are lost. But they escape the Abbey's walls right before the lawyers pour out and into their cars where THEY were smart enough to leave their drivers. But the cars don't go.
Harmony (secretly pleased at how fucking PRECIOUS she looks in her wimple, because she styles her bangs off to the side and secretly wears a bit of mascara, and-) looks to Mother Darla with contrition.
"Forgive me, Mother, for I have fed." She holds her hands out to reveal intestines and a liver, her mouth bloody from feasting on the lawyers' drivers. Mother Darla smiles, then vamps out, clangs a dinner bell, and tell the other novices, "Come and get it!" They descend on the lawyers, ensuring the family's safety.
~~~
The family is weary, but they are together and free. We last see them walking along a precarious knife edge on one of the grand mountains outside of Sunnydale, separating the glitz of Southern California from the great desert, where there won't be protection from the sun. They may be brave, but they aren't smart. Angel remembers they have a car at the base of the mountain, tells them all to pile back in, and they head for Las Vegas.
The Family vis Clap makes a fortune playing the Riviera Room. Clem grows up, but was never as cute as he was as a child. After plastic surgery, he becomes a high school counselor.
Marta was left behind at the house when the family left, thought that maybe everyone had gone to the Abbey, met up with the Reverend Mother Darla, and was promptly made an initiate. She found the vow of silence easy peasy.
Drusilta became a fortune teller, was quite successful, but began eating people who came to her with images of daisies floating over her head. The cops didn't buy that excuse, either.
Oz traveled the world, camped out on a mountaintop for a few years and had people from all over the world try and interpret his noncommital grunts and huhs, and they built many shrines in his honor. He got lots of tail.
Dawnsa FINALLY grew out of her whiney stage, became a gorgeous woman, and eventually married a nice computer programmer. He couldn't believe such a beautiful girl would marry a troll like him, so he always lavished attention on her, which is all she ever wanted.
Weslich came out of the closet when he was in his early twenties, was disappointed that no one made a big deal about it, then went about the business of running a dress shop. He never told his customers that he tried on all of the dresses before they went on the rack.
Xandl eventually dropped the charade of being a girl (I mean, with shoulders that broad and that Adam's apple...) and found a nice red-head that was quiet, and goofy and thought he was the bee's knees and married her. He found a job building things, and was eventually able to refer to his female bits as a penis. Because it was.
Captain Angel and Spikina lived for decades in peace, which became very boring, so they decided to have fist fights every few months to keep the spice alive. They formed a singing duet once the children had grown up enough to know they didn't want to turn out like the Jacksons. Angel and Spike had one big hit as "Cap'n and Spikina" but later faded into obscurity. And they stayed dead happily ever after.
A/N
*There was actually a wedding ensemble like I mentioned for Spikina. Sans the nipple tear and parrot, but everything else was as mentioned. Living in Dallas where the Bridal shows are held every year, you see some weird stuff.
** The parrot is obviously a shout out to dovil because she shares my parody (get it!!??) love.