Trans-Matter, part 3
I'm so chill
No wonder it's freezing
I'm so still
I just can't keep my fingers out of anything
I'm so thrilled
To finally be failing
--"Falling for the First Time" - Barenaked Ladies
As a coping mechanism, it only works until Sunday night. That's the point when Moist comes in, and stops saying whatever it was he was saying when he came in the door (he does that a lot; today, it's something about the Henchmen's Union and Captain Hammer's latest sweeping gesture) when he actually catches sight of Billy.
"...Doc? Are you okay?"
Billy laughs, and can't help noticing how broken and on the verge of hysterics it sounds. "Never better. And if you believe that, I've got a condo in the middle of the Sahara to sell to you. You might actually dry out, out there."
"I definitely don't believe it. First, you don't wear your pajamas around the house. Second, you don't eat much ice cream, and third, when you do, it's definitely not the biggest carton of Triple Chocolate Swirl you can get your hands on."
"Guess you could say I'm developing a taste for it. But you could say that about a lot of things, right now."
Moist raises an eyebrow. "Are you going to explain what's going on anywhere near coherently, or should I just come back tomorrow?"
"No, no, you can stay, just... I don't know how well I can explain it. Haven't really managed to explain it to myself, yet."
"O...kay. Start from the beginning, and maybe by the time you finish you'll have something."
Billy sighs. "I don't know. I think I'm starting to get used to this. Like... I still don't want it to be anything permanent, but maybe if I get stuck longer than I wanted, it won't be the end of the world, and - I don't know. It's like my gender pronouns wandered off for a lunch break and came back wearing a dress, or something."
"Have you... slept in the last couple days? Even you're not usually this loopy."
"Not well. I - Captain Hammer hit on me yesterday, which at least means he wasn't trying to eviscerate me in the middle of the laundromat, but still. And the League's expecting me to do something to further my application, and I don't know how Penny's going to react if she ever finds out it's me she's been talking to the last couple weeks and not my imaginary sister, and... I don't know."
Moist starts to say something three or four times, but doesn't actually voice any of those thoughts, whatever they are. "Okay," he finally says, "I honestly never thought these words would leave my mouth, but... are you sure you're not PMSing, Doc?"
"...No, I'm not sure about that." Billy sighs. "God, it probably would be that on top of everything else. That would explain all the chocolate, at any rate. Either way, I just... I wish I still knew what I wanted."
"Well. 'Doctor' is a gender-neutral title, at least these days."
"That doesn't help as much as you might think, considering the League's jumped straight to advocating murder, since I've been so quiet. And they say it like there's nothing else I could do."
Moist shrugs. "You've got more than enough evil hours to get into the Henchmen's Union, I know that--"
Billy waves him off. "No. If I'm doing this, it's all or nothing, and I still have to throw Bad Horse a bone. Or maybe a carrot, in his case. But I see no reason to be predictable, and anyway, people don't learn anything if they're dead."
"So you're not even - Captain Hammer hit on you? Seriously? How did he not catch on?"
"I don't know, but I'm not going to question my luck. The one thing I do know for sure right now is that he's treating Penny like shit, and I can't let him get away with that."
"She might not let him get away with it either," Moist points out. "Girls have some weird intuitions about that kind of stuff."
"It's Captain Hammer, though. I'd rather make sure the point gets across, hopefully to as many people as... hmm."
"Okay, now you sound like you've got a plan."
Billy smiles a little for what feels like the first time in days, even though it hasn't really been that long. "I think I might be closer to one. Thanks for hearing me out."
"No problem, Doc. Want to watch a movie or something?"
"Sure, why not. You pick, I'll put it in after I..." Billy puts the lid on the ice cream container. "Since you and freezers go together even less than you and electronics."
Moist grins. "Yeah, that'd just be a disaster waiting to happen." He goes over to Billy's stack of DVDs, and Billy puts the tub of ice cream away. There's still a lot left to be figured out, but the situation doesn't look as hopeless as it did half an hour ago.
***
Billy spends all of Monday and Tuesday trying to figure out the Trans-Matter Ray. It still doesn't work out very well, but that's not the end of the world; if all else fails, there's the Freeze Ray, and he can at least give Captain Hammer the verbal pantsing he so richly deserves. It's just going to be a question of the proper venue, the better to make the point to as many people as possible.
On Wednesday, it's pretty clear that she'll need a break before anything remotely resembling an answer reveals itself; good thing it's laundry day. Penny doesn't show up until Billy's stuff is halfway done in the dryer, looking pleased but very, very tired.
"Hey. I was starting to wonder if you were gonna show up."
Penny grins. "We've been busy since Saturday. Frozen yogurt?"
"Absolutely." Penny digs a cup of frozen yogurt out of her bag; Billy accepts it, and digs in with relish. "How're things?"
"Like I said, busy. I've been helping with the shelter in pretty much all of my free time, the last couple of days. Thanks to our ringing endorsement, they're saying we can open by Monday, but there's a lot to do to get the building ready for use as a shelter. It's already got bathrooms on every floor, at least, but those all need showers installed, and it hasn't been used in a few months, so it's pretty much a mess all around."
"Yikes. No structural problems, one hopes?"
"Not so far, but there's been a good amount of heavy lifting." Penny sighs. "And, well, three guesses who hasn't shown up once, at least while I've been there."
"Why am I not surprised?"
"Well, I am. After him going out of his way to get us the extra building, you'd think he might at least show up for five minutes."
Billy shrugs. "I doubt he's realised there's a photo op in it for him, yet. Once he does, you won't be able to get rid of him."
"Probably not, no. You know, if you wanted to help out, we'd be more than glad to have an extra pair of hands."
"I... might be able to. I don't know right now - Billy's having a stressful time of things at the moment. It'll depend on how things go on that front."
Penny nods. "Well, I hope he gets through it all right."
"Oh, so do I."
"You're both welcome to come to the shelter dedication, if you're free for it. It... would be good to see a familiar face or two, other than the obvious set."
Billy thinks about that for a few moments, then grins. "I'll see what we can do. Thanks for the invite."
After collecting his laundry and heading home, it occurs to Billy that the shelter dedication would be the perfect place. Captain Hammer will almost certainly be there - after persuading the mayor to sign it over, he'll probably get to give some incredibly narcissistic speech, or something - and after three weeks of silence (which it will be by then), he probably won't be expecting his arch-nemesis to do... oh, much of anything.
It's a very solid plan, for once.
***
On Thursday, Billy tries to run up some work hours, but that fails spectacularly in what has to be record time. Normally, even the most idiotic support requests imaginable don't manage to be quite this frustrating, but it's the completely logical ones that are doing her in - and making her all the more sure she's PMSing. It'd be good to get a breakthrough on what went wrong with the Trans-Matter Ray in the next few days, but Billy's not exactly holding her breath on that.
Moist comes over for a while that evening, presumably to make sure Billy hasn't dived back into the tub of ice cream. He hasn't, but it was a near thing. Billy goes over the plan for the shelter dedication, the better to get a second opinion on it; Moist thinks it sounds solid, on the whole.
"You better be careful, though, if you can't get the thing sorted out in time," he says, and Billy nods.
"I know. At least I won't be tripping over myself, at this point."
"True. You gonna stick with that, if you figure out how to fix it beforehand?"
"I might, if I don't have a couple days to readjust." It sounds damn weird to think about tripping over his own feet the way he grew up having them, but Billy can't rule out the possibility.
***
On Friday, Billy decides that if she's going to claim to be used to this body, it's high time to figure out the... well, the sexual mechanics of it.
Billy's not entirely clueless, thanks to one brief relationship in college (in which he was the rebound, the girl moved way too fast to be healthy for either of them, everything fell apart three weeks after she first snogged him, and they never spoke again). But that's from a completely different perspective, so to speak, and even knowing that ahead of time leaves Billy pretty much unprepared for just how... intense it is as a firsthand experience.
It's entirely possible guys underestimate it just because the parts aren't completely obvious. This is clearly a giant mistake on their part.
Billy has to wash her hands, after figuring all of this out; it's the first time in all of this that her face has looked mostly unfamiliar, all flushed cheeks and dilated pupils and lazy smile. It's not really a bad sort of unfamiliar, though. In fact, it just might make things worthwhile, if this does stick.
It occurs to Billy, well over an hour later, that, so far as she thinks about anyone in that state of mind, she was still thinking of Penny.
***
Billy spends the entire weekend, barring short breaks for food and longer breaks for sleep, working on the Trans-Matter Ray, but still can't find any signs of why it sparked like it did. The wiring seems fine, the battery pack and the reaction power source are both fully intact, and he knows from the tree branch test that it does exactly what it was designed to, if in exactly the same way it did it to the gold bars. But the shifting molecules are still the only apparent problem with the thing, which doesn't bode so well for emasculating Captain Hammer.
It's a little disappointing, that Billy won't have it done for the shelter dedication, but that doesn't mean it'll never happen. It just won't be quite as attention-getting, whenever it does happen.
On Monday, Billy goes for a long walk after lunch, taking a route that avoids as many people as it's possible to dodge in downtown Los Angeles. He needs the walk, even if people are singularly aggravating right now - even more so than usual. Much as Billy hates to think of it, it's got to be PMS.
Oh, well. At least she's getting used to the internal pronoun dissonance; it's still weird, but it makes sense to Billy, and it doesn't really have to make sense to anyone else.
When Billy gets home, he packs up the Freeze Ray - and a Stun Ray, just in case - along with the lab coat and goggles, and heads down to the shelter's new building, the better to case the joint and pick the best place to set up shop. The statue of Captain Hammer in front of the damn building really shouldn't be a surprise, but it is, not to mention disgusting. Billy rolls her eyes, silently vows to make the most of not having sorted out the Trans-Matter Ray, and goes in.
He picks a spot down the center aisle as likely the best place to set up the Freeze Ray; it's in a direct line with the podium, which Captain Hammer will undoubtedly be standing at before the night is over, and the choice spot is far enough back to set up without drawing undue attention. That decided, Billy heads for the bathrooms in order to set up.
It takes a couple of minutes to decide which one to use; there's going to be visual dissonance either way, if anyone happens to see. In the end, she decides on the women's, just to cut down on the blatantly obvious issues.
Putting on the lab coat - and, for some reason, especially the goggles - for the first time in weeks feels oddly like coming home. The goggles prove especially useful for keeping Billy's hair out of the way; it's still almost severely short, for this face, but there hasn't been much point in having it cut, given the circumstances.
Billy stays in the bathroom until the crowd noises through the door settle out and seem to indicate that the event's on its way to starting, though she doesn't actually leave until the mayor starts talking. If this is going to be a remotely successful setup, Billy's got to stay out of Captain Hammer's direct line of sight until everything's ready; hopefully, he'll be too busy posturing for his adoring fans to notice what's going on at the back of the room. It's a slim chance, but it's all Billy has to see this through.
It works out well enough, though Billy has to fight down a serious wince when Captain Hammer opens his speech with, "I hate the homeless." He may correct to "...ness problem that plagues our city" within seconds, but one would hope that pause was long enough that someone would catch on - Penny, if no one else.
And then Captain Hammer starts making up a song, or something, and that only makes matters worse - well, aside from giving Billy the perfect distraction to get everything set up, since everyone seems to be eating it up, and not even noticing that they're being repeatedly insulted by their hero. Penny, Billy's glad to see, has the good sense to look thoroughly alarmed when Captain Hammer gets around to mentioning her.
Billy fires up the Freeze Ray as Captain Hammer nears the end of his song, and can't hold back a laugh when the Freeze Ray cuts off his last note; she's pleased to note that the evil laughter coaching is paying off. Apparently, just being there in her current state is enough to confuse most of the audience into sticking around.
"Well, now that I have your attention..." Billy smiles, perhaps more pleasantly than the situation entirely calls for, but she's in a good mood so far. "Makes a good statue, doesn't he? Let's just put him on display out there and get rid of the stone work. It'll save time and money.
"But while we've got him here, let's consider for a moment. Who, exactly, did he persuade the mayor to hand over the shelter for? Certainly not for the people who are going to be living in it, since he started out by saying he hates them. And, I'd guess, if it were for his girlfriend, that was only a coincidence, as far as advancing himself with her was concerned. When you like someone that much, you don't flirt with other people or air your private details in a room full of the city's finest."
There are definitely some thoughtful looks floating around the audience, after that. Confident that she's actually getting somewhere and Captain Hammer won't be moving for a while yet, Billy continues.
"My guess is that he did it just to make himself look good - didn't you, Captain? Like how you always offload the fact that you put bystanders in more danger than they were before you got there onto whoever you're beating up at the time, and how you're automatically suspicious of anything you can't understand within three seconds. You'd impress people a lot more if you actually did something out of the goodness of your heart, but I don't know how much of that you've actually got."
Some of the audience starts murmuring - not loudly enough to really detract from Billy's overall monologue, but enough to give her some hope that they're thinking, for once, rather than just accepting what they're told by Captain Hammer's fans in the press.
"I've got a little surprise coming for you. It's only too bad I couldn't have it ready for today, but... I'd rather take the time to get it right." Billy's not about to admit that the surprise in question isn't even remotely as in progress as it sounds; better to keep Captain Hammer in the dark, on that front, and hopefully spring it when he's complacent about the imminent threat again. "And I think that's all the more I'm going to say, since... you know, I think I kinda like it when you don't know about my plans in--"
The Freeze Ray sputters; Billy frowns, and turns toward it. "That's... not a good sound."
The Freeze Ray gives out a couple seconds later. Billy ducks, perhaps a bit prematurely since Captain Hammer insists on finishing his goddamn song before going after anyone. Oddly, though, he doesn't seem to have violence in mind so much as... something else.
"Look," he says, "if you're regretting turning me down, that's one thing. But you really don't have to impersonate Dr. Horrible to get your point across. You could have just asked."
Billy sighs. "I wouldn't have regretted turning you down even if you hadn't had a girlfriend when you tried it. And who says I was impersonating anyone?"
Captain Hammer frowns, but fortunately (Billy thinks it's fortunate, anyway), before he can get around to saying or hitting anything, Penny walks over, looking like she's barely got a hold on her temper.
"You," she says, poking Captain Hammer in the arm, "have a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Especially if..." She eyes Billy for a few moments, then continues. "Especially if she was right about why you did this."
"This... person is just making stuff up," Captain Hammer says, but Billy's pleased to note he doesn't sound as confident as usual.
"Didn't sound like it." Penny rubs the finger she poked Captain Hammer with. "Anyway, I was wondering before this if you ever did anything for someone other than yourself, in the end. I guess I have my answer. Don't talk to me again."
Billy grins, as Captain Hammer leaves, but it drops right off her face when Penny turns to her. "And don't think you're in the clear. If anything, you have more explaining to do than he did."
"...Yeah, I guess I do."
"I just won't make you do it in public. Among other things, I don't think we have long enough here to get through the whole story."
Billy nods. "It's kind of complicated. To say the least. Maybe... do you have time tomorrow? This isn't exactly laundry conversation either."
"That should work. Give me directions, I'll come over after work."
Billy gives her directions, then packs up the Freeze Ray and the ultimately unnecessary Stun Ray - still, knowing Captain Hammer, it had seemed better to play it safe and have something on hand. She considers changing back into street clothes, before walking home, but ultimately decides against it; it's high time she owned the lab coat again, after too damn long out of it.
Of course, having pretty much nothing to show for three weeks of near-total silence, other than a verbal smackdown that felt damn good to deliver, probably screwed up her chances with the League in a big way. But right now, Billy doesn't really care. She achieved her main objective (calling Captain Hammer out on the depths of his... toolery? toolishness? whatever, and hopefully jarring some of his adoring fans into having second thoughts), and Penny's not dismissing her out of hand.
Two out of three ain't bad, all things considered.
***
Billy's unbelievably nervy, for most of Tuesday; she thinks it has a lot to do with the fact that Penny seems to have taken what she saw at the shelter dedication and processed it a hell of a lot more calmly than she did the reality of Captain Hammer being a total jackass. Or maybe it's just that she's saving her questions until they talk in private.
Either way, she won't know until later, so Billy channels that nervous energy into answering support requests. It helps to balance out the lingering over-the-top frustration with the world at large, and Billy knows from experience that working on Dr. Horrible's projects in this state of mind rarely ends in anything short of disaster. Come to think of it, that might have been part of what got her in this mess in the first place, in a way; irritation with life in general can be just as distracting as nerves, after all.
It's not a bad day, other than the moment around lunch where Billy has a temporary lapse in sanity and turns on the news. The anchors are talking about what happened at the shelter dedication, and spending as much time trying to figure out if that was actually Dr. Horrible as they are debating whether the charges against Captain Hammer were serious. At least she's getting a little press for once, but still, do they have to wonder that seriously whether anyone could dislike Captain Hammer?
At around six, there's a knock on the door. Billy jumps - partly from having half expected it all day, she thinks - then says, "Come in."
"Hi." Penny stops just inside the door, and holds up a bag from the frozen yogurt stand. "I thought maybe we could use some reinforcements."
"Not a bad idea." Billy grins, and takes one of the frozen yogurts; the smile fades after she gets it open, though. "So, um. You're the one with all the questions. Go ahead."
Penny's quiet while she opens her own frozen yogurt and takes a bit. "So," she finally says. "I'd wondered why there hadn't been any video posts lately, but... I'd guess your current situation has a lot to do with it."
"Yeah, I thought it might be better to keep it - you... know my blog?" There's no point in denying it, if Penny's already called it, and, well. It does explain a little bit of why she was so calm last night.
"Found it a few months ago. It's... well, it's thought-provoking, I'll give you that. But why didn't you just level with me?"
Billy sighs. "In this particular case, I panicked. And I wasn't sure you'd believe it if I did tell you, all things considered. In general... I don't know. I think I thought I'd need to have something to impress you, before I did say anything. Otherwise, I'd just be a normal guy, and what's so impressive about that when you've got a hero chasing you around?"
"Well, I didn't have the hero until recently, and if he keeps chasing me around after last night, I may be getting a restraining order. But anyway, I don't want to rule the world, and I don't think you ruling it will solve all the problems you have with it. Historically, absolute dictatorships don't work out so well."
"Yeah, well. I still don't think the world's got a lot going for it right now."
"Maybe not, but there are better ways to get to fixing those problems than just..." Penny trails off, and picks up a Ziploc bag sitting on the coffee table. "What is this?"
"Tree branch," Billy says, after taking a closer look. "Molecularly, anyway. Had to make sure the thing that got me in this state was still doing what it's supposed to - or, at least, what it did last time I used it. It did."
"All right then."
"Anyway... I don't want to be a hero. People expect certain things of their heroes, and none of that's me."
Penny shrugs. "People also expect certain things of their bad guys. Including the bad guys themselves."
"I've noticed. And... I don't know, maybe that's part of why I didn't tell you. It's easier to get a read on just normal people."
"I don't know about that. Anyway, what was it you wanted me to see in the end - just a normal guy, or a reclusive genius who's got some good ideas, even if he's taking them in some weird directions right now?"
Billy pauses, and tries to cover up the shock of that statement with a bite of frozen yogurt. "You... I haven't scared you off?"
"Incurable optimist, remember? Besides, you have convinced me lately you're not a completely terrible person. Or, well, your imaginary sister did. I figure there's no harm in talking, at least."
After a few moments, Billy fully relaxes, for what feels like the first time in weeks. They sit in reasonably companionable silence for a while, working on their frozen yogurts.
"So," Penny says, after a bit, "how'd you manage to get yourself into this pickle in the first place?"
"I still have yet to figure that out - even though I should in the next few days, if I don't want to see the bad side of biology. I was trying to figure out why the Trans-Matter Ray leaves things turning into goo after a few days, it sparked, and... well."
"Well... I can't make any promises, since I'm way out of practice and don't exactly know mad science anyway, but if you want a second pair of eyes on it, I could try."
Billy looks up, caught completely off guard by that. "I did have someone look, but she - isn't good with this sort of engineering. I didn't know you... yeah."
Penny blushes, and sort of ducks behind her hair. "I was on the robotics team in high school. Would have done it in college, too, but the guys running it didn't seem to think a social work major would take it seriously. I think that was their code for still thinking girls can't be scientists, but." She shrugs. "I meant it, though. I make no promises, but I can try."
"Well. Sure. It can't hurt, as long as you're careful."
Billy gets up, gets the original Trans-Matter Ray and a plastic probe - the better to make sure there aren't any errant sparks, if Penny wants to poke around - and takes it over to her. Penny doesn't get to a hands-on examination until after she's finished her frozen yogurt; once she does, though, she frowns at something a few minutes in.
"Why do you have the reaction power source so close to the battery pack?" she says. "That looks like it's just asking for trouble, especially if you push the battery pack wires into it."
"Well, I--" Billy stops, and thinks back to the first night of this mess. "That's... the part I was poking at. I think you might have solved my problem."
"I'm still making no promises. Did you want to... try it again with someone here, or what?"
"Probably better to do that than wait for Moist to find me again. He's done more than his share of picking up the pieces, the last couple weeks. Just - stay back? I don't think it'd do anything to you, but I'd rather make sure."
Penny nods, and ducks back behind the couch; once satisfied she'll be out of the way, Billy takes the Trans-Matter Ray over to a lab table and gives the wires Penny pointed out a prod. The spark doesn't throw Billy as far as the first one did, but there is a spark, which is more than can be said for previous attempts at fixing the situation.
Billy glances down to find a completely flat chest, and sighs; he's not sure how relieved he really is, but doesn't want to think about that too closely just yet. "You," he says, "are clearly a genius."
"I don't know if I'd go that far, but I'm glad I could help." Penny emerges from behind the couch. "Are you okay?"
"I think so, yeah. I think I'll wait a couple minutes before trying to walk, this time around."
"Completely fair, I think."
Penny changes the subject, and after a while, they order some take-out from a Chinese place down the street. By the time she leaves, Billy's at least hopeful he hasn't entirely screwed that up - even in the knowledge that he's got a hell of a lot to make up for.
Now if he could just deal with the nagging feeling that he still hasn't really solved the internal crisis, he'd call it a success without question.
***
On the bright side, Billy knows exactly where to start with bringing about the gender-swap reaction on purpose, now - and he's got a spare Trans-Matter Ray, so he sees no reason not to just convert the old one. He can keep the basic design intact, and just shift the spark-inducing reaction to where the matter-transportation one currently takes place.
Not to mention, this one's practically guaranteed to be at a hundred percent right out of the gate, considering Billy's already lived through the effect. But that's a matter to be dealt with after a little sleep.
As things work out, he doesn't get to working on it until Thursday; Wednesday goes to a combination of income-earning work and laundry day, which manages to be barely awkward at all. Billy takes that as a hopeful sign on one front, at least.
On Thursday afternoon, while he's dismantling the matter transportation reaction center on the soon-to-be-former Trans-Matter Ray, Billy's League phone rings. It takes him a while to find it - apparently, he'd tossed it down the couch cushions after that last singing telegram from Bad Horse - but he gets it, and picks up, and braces himself for the singing cowboys.
They don't appear, though. Instead, after about five seconds of silence, a British voice on the other end says, "Well, have you answered, or is this bloody mobile network dropping calls again?"
"Oh - sorry, I didn't... I was waiting for the cowboys. Um. Yeah."
"Fair enough. Not like I'd usually be doing this anyway, but - Union-defined time off and the fact that I think Bad Horse is two steps away from firing that lot aside, yours is something of a special case."
Billy frowns; he's not entirely sure what's so special that Dead Bowie felt the need to call him, especially since the shelter dedication pretty much ruined his chances anyway. "Oh. Um. What... sort of special case?"
"I think you know as well as I do that simply giving a hero a verbal dressing-down wasn't going to be enough for Bad Horse, especially after three weeks of nothing. And he insists that he dropped you a hint or two as to what might work out in your favor."
"He did, but I... prefer to take my own initiative." Billy feels more than a little like Crowley, trying to explain to Hastur and Ligur that there are bigger, better, more creative fish to fry these days, if one just looks beyond the most obvious course of action - but he doesn't point that out. He has no idea how much reading the current League members have done, for one thing.
"A good point," Dead Bowie says, "but the only place it seems to have taken you was into a woman's body - and back again, if your voice is any sign. Now, I liked it, it's probably the most entertaining thing you've done since you started applying, and Fury Leika... just might not vivisect you on sight, now. But the two of us only have so much sway, and even we have to agree that you might have put that trick to more practical use on someone else." The 'like your nemesis' hangs unspoken on the phone line.
Billy sighs, not quite as explosively as she'd like to. "I had some issues getting that part sorted out as quickly as I'd wanted to. Give it time, and I may yet get up to something interesting."
"I do hope it's good. You're likely too late to save your application, but you just might save your skin."
The phone goes dead, before Billy can ask for a clarification, and no one calls back. She tosses the phone back onto the couch - at least she can stop pre-paying it, if that call was any indication - and goes back to gutting the old Trans-Matter Ray.
But anything more than that is going to have to wait, thanks to that phone call; God only knows what the distraction-induced sparking might cause, this time, and Billy's in no hurry to find out from experience again. So he calls it an earlyish night, once the shell's ready to be refitted.
He flops into bed, just for the sheer pleasure of being able to do it - but after an hour, has to concede that maybe he can't fall asleep on his stomach anymore, not after nearly a month of learning not to.
***
Billy gets the Trans-Matter Ray reassembled on Friday. He'd like to test it before actually putting it to the use he's got in mind, but the question there is on who; animal testing wouldn't necessarily be obvious enough, and if word of that got out, he'd be up against PETA, which is in many ways even scarier than the threat of Bad Horse.
Both Moist and Conflict Diamond drop by over the course of the day, and congratulate Billy for getting his situation sorted out. He still doesn't really feel like he's sorted anything out at all, but more importantly, he doesn't get a test of the new design from either of them. He doesn't really feel like he can ask that of Conflict Diamond, and Moist makes so many funny faces at the thought that Billy tells him to forget about it.
"Sorry, Doc," Moist says. "But I... it's weird, to think about. Really weird. I don't know how you handled it so well."
"And you know how well I was handling it."
"Hey, I would've had that breakdown about two days in, I think. And I know you wouldn't make it stick that long just for a test, but... still."
Billy sighs. "Yeah, I know. And I'd have you try it on me, but then I'd have water-in-the-electronics issues to sort out."
There are other reasons she's undecided on going the self-test route, but the conversation is already making Moist uncomfortable, and most of Billy's towels are in the laundry pile; it seems better not to go into that right now. After Moist goes home, Billy does his first video post in a while, largely because it's time to clear up a number of questions from the shelter dedication.
He doesn't name the new project - not having Captain Hammer figure things out before he's got a chance to do anything is really a nice change of pace. But it's entirely possible some people will figure out what he's got in mind anyway; there are hints there, in case anyone with half a brain is paying attention.
On Saturday, he goes to the laundromat, stopping at the frozen yogurt stand first; Penny bought the last round, so it's only fair. She's already there when he gets in, grinning her head off, but she doesn't explain until after Billy's got a washer started.
"The shelter's hiring me," she says. "They want me to help run the new building."
"That's great! Congratulations."
"Thanks. I still have another week and a half at the store, but - well, the end's in sight, and I actually get to use my degree for a living now."
Billy grins, a little surprised to realise there's not a trace of 'fake it to impress her' to be found. "You'll kick ass at it. Not... literally, one would hope, but in principle."
"Yeah." Penny eats some of her frozen yogurt, then says, "About your post yesterday. Are you... going to do what I think you're planning?"
"Soon as I can figure out how to test it."
"You know it'd be taking the higher road to just leave him alone."
Billy sighs. "I know, but... first, I don't trust him to take the higher road just because I try to, second, he needs to have the point driven home in a way he can't pretend didn't happen, and third, it could be a matter of saving my own life. My application's officially out of the running, but..."
"But they may not be done with you yet. I'll give you that one, I guess, and... well, at least you're not planning anything lethal."
"Nah. I'd rather hear 'ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking.'" Billy's starting to get the nagging feeling that he was only in the running for so long because Bad Horse got some kind of amusement from watching him squirm; if that's the case, he might be better off staying out of the League after all.
Penny smiles. "Well, I think you'll get that with no trouble."
"I sort of already have. Now it's just a matter of surviving the encounter."
Penny changes the subject, after that, and they don't revisit it for the rest of the afternoon.
***
On Sunday, Billy checks the blog's email account; after sorting through the usual dreck from Johnny Snow and people wondering how it could have been him at the shelter dedication when there were clearly breasts involved, he's left with something... rather interesting.
I commend you for staying obtuse about your plans this time around, it says, but based on what you've thrown out there and how you showed up at the shelter dedication, I have a question you seem to be well suited to answer. If you're up to what I think you are, I might be able to guinea-pig for you, for your trouble. Let me know if you're interested.
Billy lets it sit for a couple hours, then emails the person back, thinking he might as well. Anyway, he's kind of curious as to what they think he's up to and how they expect to benefit. They agree to meet in the park the next afternoon, and that's the end of it until Monday.
When Billy gets to the right section of the park, he finds a fairly androgynous person leaning against the tree they chose as a landmark; getting 'Chris' by way of an introduction doesn't really help clarify matters, but given the circumstances, Billy can't help wondering if that's the point.
"So," he says. "You said you had a question for me?"
"I do, actually. Mind, I'm just extrapolating from your previous work and what happened, so if I'm wrong, stop me. That said, what's this ray gun of yours likely to do to someone who's had a double mastectomy and been on testosterone for three years?"
There's an unmistakably personal undercurrent to the question, which at least clears up one of Billy's questions. Just as well; it wasn't one he was really looking forward to having to ask.
"...Good question. Considering - what you saw wasn't exactly on purpose, and I only just sorted out where the reaction came from, I don't know whether it acts on chromosomes, or hormones, or presentation, or what. I think it'd be safe to say if it worked the way you wanted, and you ended up wanting it reversed, you'd... probably have to have your surgeries redone, whatever they may be."
"I won't be wanting to reverse it, if it works. There are people who would call it cheating, and they will, but--" Chris sighs. "I've had just about goddamn enough of putting up with what God gave me. If the chance is here, I want what I should have had in the first place."
"All right. What's in it for me?"
"A free test of your latest design, and some good publicity with the people who won't call it cheating."
Billy raises an eyebrow. "What are you, a lawyer or something?"
"Not yet, but I'm working on that part. So, what do you think?"
"You make a... very good case. I think I'm willing to give it a try if you are - and, well, at least you're a willing participant."
Chris snorts. "If you developed the thing, you have at least one unwilling participant in mind. But I take your point. Any particular time you want to do this?"
"Well... now works. Or, well, as long as it takes to get back to my place."
The reaction, it turns out, works from chromosomes above all else. Chris is quite pleased with the result, and heads off smiling, leaving Billy to wonder if losing out on the self-test was really all that good, in the end.
***
Billy's finding that there are things she misses about the experience, accidental though it was.
He can't get used to having to shave his face again, even though he never had to do it that often in the first place. He has yet to go for a now long-overdue haircut, but that could be a budget crunch as much as anything else. He thinks he might have been better equipped to deal with people, but how much of that was because pretty much no one knew who he was, he can't say. There was an odd sort of freedom to it, but that could have been a factor of staying out of the public eye more often than not, both in general and during those three weeks.
On Tuesday night, Billy sets out to do what he'd wanted to do at the shelter dedication. Captain Hammer's got electronic alarms on his ridiculously large house (seriously, the place is big enough to make Billy suspect Captain Hammer's compensating for something), but that's easy to get around, with Moist as a go-to henchman.
But then Billy pulls the trigger and finds herself envying Captain Hammer - who, thankfully, is a very sound sleeper - and thinks maybe it's time to stop making excuses and actually think things through.
Wednesday is laundry day, of course. Penny brings the frozen yogurt; Billy's surprised to find that he's still got more of a taste for chocolate than he used to. They talk about Penny's last few days in retail hell, Billy's latest couple of adventures with tech support, whether Captain Hammer's had a nervous breakdown yet (and whether that'll end up on the news) - and then the conversation trails off into awkward silence.
They haven't really had much awkward silence since the first couple of times they talked; it's kind of weird, that it's showing up again now.
"This... this might sound kind of weird," Penny says, stirring the remnants of her frozen yogurt. "But I miss having girl talk with you. It's - I don't know, there's something completely different about it, this way."
"No, I... think I know exactly what you mean. Considering I haven't been able to decide whether I actually fixed anything by reversing it."
"Never would have thought it from you, if I hadn't seen it."
Billy shrugs. "It's definitely nothing I would have set out to try, but... I don't know. Maybe if I knew what I was getting into, it wouldn't throw me for such a loop."
"You're probably the only person who can really figure that out. And, well, I like you either way, if that would be a factor in your decision."
"...You do?"
Penny smiles. "You're a nice person, League application aside. And there's always time to figure things out beyond that."
"Yeah. I... guess there is."
They go back to talking about just about everything under the sun, until such time as Billy's laundry is done. She heads home feeling more at peace than she has in weeks, if not longer.