crack alert!
So Milliways brought the funny mental images last night; this is so not current Millicanon for a number of reasons, but I still thought it bore writing out. And so: Poker night at the Henchmen's Union.
(Also, to the best of my knowledge, the Marx Brothers named the lawyers.)
Double or Nothing
Doc doesn't understand why Moist likes going to poker night so much if he can't play. To be fair, the Union did try to accommodate him once, but that didn't even last a minute - the plastic-backed cards got too slick for him to hold on to.
But maybe, considering the group, that's just as well. And when Doc asks why he clears his schedule for a game he can't even play, Moist just smiles and says, "You won't find entertainment like it anywhere else."
He's not sure who though poker night was a good pastime for low-level villains. They all cheat, after all - it's just a question of how. Since there's more than enough shady card play to go around, the night almost always ends in a fight over who actually won; depending on how long it takes everyone's bruised egos to recover, there's at least three months between games - sometimes as long as a year.
It's an impressive spectacle, even for someone who can't actively participate. Sometimes Moist wishes he could play, just once; he's watched enough games that he has a decent grasp of the rules and - more importantly, with this group - a better grasp of how people get around those rules. It'd probably only work out in his favor once, but that would be enough to keep people on their toes.
Mostly, he's just glad no one minds an audience.
Tonight's the first poker night in a good eight months - the singing cowboys raked in the pot last time, prompting a fight over whether they really needed the extra money. Whether they needed it or not, they got to keep it; Bad Horse wanted a message put out halfway through the fight, and they took the money with them when they teleported out of the Union building.
He hasn't heard whether they're off for this one or not, but it's going to be an interesting night nonetheless. He's pleasantly surprised to find Conflict Diamond bartending, when he gets there (she's not Union, but doesn't mind not being paid Union rates, what with her habit of knocking over jewelry stores for fun and profit). She smiles and hands him a glass of water when he approaches.
"I heard I missed a good show, last time," she says. "I did not want to make the same mistake twice."
"Don't know if this'll live up to last time's benchmark. It might depend on whether the cowboys have the night off. But... well, it's always a quality show. Were you planning to make off with the pot again?"
"I hadn't decided yet. It may depend on the course of the game."
Moist grins. "Well, I won't tell them who did it, if you do."
"I appreciate it."
As things work out, the cowboys don't show up. It's a game with the usual crowd: Bait and Switch, the Purple Pimp, Hourglass, and one of the League's lawyers - Moist can never tell if it's Dewey, Cheatem or Howe. Whichever one it is, they'll probably be firing off all kinds of legal jargon in the hopes of confusing people out of their winnings.
Anyway. Bait's scowling at her cards before they're five minutes into the game; it looks more like her 'bluffing low' scowl than her 'I'm about to swap cards with Switch' scowl. It's probably sad that Moist can tell the difference by now, but he's watched a good number of these games, over the years.
He can't see Hourglass's face, from the bar, but if he had a stake in the game, he'd be willing to bet she's counting cards. Or... not counting cards so much as sneaking a look at the game one minute from now, and making her moves accordingly. It's practically second nature to her, doing that sort of thing; Moist has no idea why it surprises people when she wins with it.
Conflict Diamond refills his water. "How long before the Purple Pimp calls out his girls, do you think?"
"Half an hour or so, unless he gets really desperate."
"That long?"
Moist shrugs. "Well, they'd only really be effective on Bait and the lawyer. If it's only going to distract half his opponents, he'll hold off, if he can. Anyway, the lawyer would probably raise an objection to that."
"You do have a point. It is a pity, though. I like that part."
"You say that like you really need to pay for it."
"Well, no," she says, "but he does have some very beautiful girls in his charge."
Moist can't really argue with that, so he doesn't.
It's closer to an hour before the Purple Pimp calls out the girls; clearly, he was doing pretty well for a while, if he's only now feeling the need to pull his extra cards out of his sleeves. The lawyer does, in fact, actually shout "Objection!" at that - and the first argument of the night is off.
It's not going to be the last, Moist is sure, but it's not the game-ender of the night either. The players settle down again, the girls go back to the back room, and everything's relatively calm for another hour or so.
But then, Bait swaps her hand with Switch, and Hourglass still comes out ahead of that - probably because she saw the swapped hand coming - and the fight starts all over again. The fight leaves the playing table, and Moist sees Conflict Diamond edge around the bar; she smiles, and he stays quiet while she approaches the table and relieves it of the pot.
The fight goes on for long enough after that that Conflict Diamond has the pot not only counted, but sorted by denomination.
"I don't suppose I could interest you in the change?"
Moist blinks. "You... I. Really?"
"Why not? You gave them no sign of my approach, so it may as well be your heist as well. And this once, the coins appear to be a substantial part of the pot."
"Good thing they didn't get to throwing it at each other, then." He only has to think about the offer for a second, when she puts it like that. "Well, if you're sure. Thanks."
Conflict Diamond smiles. "It's no trouble. Those of us who watch these things do nearly as much work as those who play, in our way."
She must be having a good day, if she's making this kind of offer, but Moist isn't going to object. It's the first time he can actually say he made money off of poker night, and he'll take that.
(Also, to the best of my knowledge, the Marx Brothers named the lawyers.)
Double or Nothing
Doc doesn't understand why Moist likes going to poker night so much if he can't play. To be fair, the Union did try to accommodate him once, but that didn't even last a minute - the plastic-backed cards got too slick for him to hold on to.
But maybe, considering the group, that's just as well. And when Doc asks why he clears his schedule for a game he can't even play, Moist just smiles and says, "You won't find entertainment like it anywhere else."
He's not sure who though poker night was a good pastime for low-level villains. They all cheat, after all - it's just a question of how. Since there's more than enough shady card play to go around, the night almost always ends in a fight over who actually won; depending on how long it takes everyone's bruised egos to recover, there's at least three months between games - sometimes as long as a year.
It's an impressive spectacle, even for someone who can't actively participate. Sometimes Moist wishes he could play, just once; he's watched enough games that he has a decent grasp of the rules and - more importantly, with this group - a better grasp of how people get around those rules. It'd probably only work out in his favor once, but that would be enough to keep people on their toes.
Mostly, he's just glad no one minds an audience.
Tonight's the first poker night in a good eight months - the singing cowboys raked in the pot last time, prompting a fight over whether they really needed the extra money. Whether they needed it or not, they got to keep it; Bad Horse wanted a message put out halfway through the fight, and they took the money with them when they teleported out of the Union building.
He hasn't heard whether they're off for this one or not, but it's going to be an interesting night nonetheless. He's pleasantly surprised to find Conflict Diamond bartending, when he gets there (she's not Union, but doesn't mind not being paid Union rates, what with her habit of knocking over jewelry stores for fun and profit). She smiles and hands him a glass of water when he approaches.
"I heard I missed a good show, last time," she says. "I did not want to make the same mistake twice."
"Don't know if this'll live up to last time's benchmark. It might depend on whether the cowboys have the night off. But... well, it's always a quality show. Were you planning to make off with the pot again?"
"I hadn't decided yet. It may depend on the course of the game."
Moist grins. "Well, I won't tell them who did it, if you do."
"I appreciate it."
As things work out, the cowboys don't show up. It's a game with the usual crowd: Bait and Switch, the Purple Pimp, Hourglass, and one of the League's lawyers - Moist can never tell if it's Dewey, Cheatem or Howe. Whichever one it is, they'll probably be firing off all kinds of legal jargon in the hopes of confusing people out of their winnings.
Anyway. Bait's scowling at her cards before they're five minutes into the game; it looks more like her 'bluffing low' scowl than her 'I'm about to swap cards with Switch' scowl. It's probably sad that Moist can tell the difference by now, but he's watched a good number of these games, over the years.
He can't see Hourglass's face, from the bar, but if he had a stake in the game, he'd be willing to bet she's counting cards. Or... not counting cards so much as sneaking a look at the game one minute from now, and making her moves accordingly. It's practically second nature to her, doing that sort of thing; Moist has no idea why it surprises people when she wins with it.
Conflict Diamond refills his water. "How long before the Purple Pimp calls out his girls, do you think?"
"Half an hour or so, unless he gets really desperate."
"That long?"
Moist shrugs. "Well, they'd only really be effective on Bait and the lawyer. If it's only going to distract half his opponents, he'll hold off, if he can. Anyway, the lawyer would probably raise an objection to that."
"You do have a point. It is a pity, though. I like that part."
"You say that like you really need to pay for it."
"Well, no," she says, "but he does have some very beautiful girls in his charge."
Moist can't really argue with that, so he doesn't.
It's closer to an hour before the Purple Pimp calls out the girls; clearly, he was doing pretty well for a while, if he's only now feeling the need to pull his extra cards out of his sleeves. The lawyer does, in fact, actually shout "Objection!" at that - and the first argument of the night is off.
It's not going to be the last, Moist is sure, but it's not the game-ender of the night either. The players settle down again, the girls go back to the back room, and everything's relatively calm for another hour or so.
But then, Bait swaps her hand with Switch, and Hourglass still comes out ahead of that - probably because she saw the swapped hand coming - and the fight starts all over again. The fight leaves the playing table, and Moist sees Conflict Diamond edge around the bar; she smiles, and he stays quiet while she approaches the table and relieves it of the pot.
The fight goes on for long enough after that that Conflict Diamond has the pot not only counted, but sorted by denomination.
"I don't suppose I could interest you in the change?"
Moist blinks. "You... I. Really?"
"Why not? You gave them no sign of my approach, so it may as well be your heist as well. And this once, the coins appear to be a substantial part of the pot."
"Good thing they didn't get to throwing it at each other, then." He only has to think about the offer for a second, when she puts it like that. "Well, if you're sure. Thanks."
Conflict Diamond smiles. "It's no trouble. Those of us who watch these things do nearly as much work as those who play, in our way."
She must be having a good day, if she's making this kind of offer, but Moist isn't going to object. It's the first time he can actually say he made money off of poker night, and he'll take that.