(no subject)
Title: Bare Arse
Pairing: Steven Gerrard and Xabi Alonso (Jamie Carragher and Fernando Torres included)
Disclaimer: This fan-fiction, and the portrayal of any characters in it, is entirely fictitious. Any references to true events are entirely coincidental. Any references to the sexuality of the characters are completely untrue.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Practical jokes can be so cruel, especially at Steven’s expense.
“Alright Stevie, drop ‘em,” Carra said standing at the top of 18 yard box. Nando stood to his right, balancing a spinning soccer ball on one of his fingers, while Xabi stood in the background out of view from Steven.
Steven now stood on the goal line facing the net. Exhaling deeply, he hesitantly stuck his thumbs in between the elastic of his shorts and his hips and in one quick motion he flung his shorts down to his ankles.
“Alright Nando, I’ll give you three shots to hit my arse and that’s it - no more no less,” Steven said as he bent over resting the palms of his hands on his knees for support.
“O.K. Stevie,” Nando said tossing the ball to Xabi who placed it between Nando and Carra.
“Are you ready Stevie?” Nando asked biting his lip to hold his laughter back.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Alright, here it goes,” Nando said.
Xabi took two steps back and in a swift motion he struck the ball with such accuracy that it hit Steven square on his left cheek and made contact with a loud smack. Tears welled up in Steven’s eyes from the slight sting that the ball had left.
“Is that all you’ve got Nando?” Steven said choking back his screams.
“Not in the least,” Nando said while nibbling on a hang nail.
Carra tossed another ball to Xabi with a slight chuckle. Xabi placed it in the same spot and struck it with the greatest of accuracy with even more power. However, this time the ball curved to the right and made contact with Steven’s right cheek with an even louder smack.
Steven began to hop around holding his arse and cursing so loud that he could be heard in London. He danced back and forth along the goal line still facing the back of the goal.
“Hold tight Stevie. Don’t forget I have one more shot,” Nando said now sitting down laughing hysterically. Carra gasping to catch his breath threw Xabi the third and final ball. Steven finished his showcase performance and took his original place back on the goal line. He bit his lip and braced himself for the pain he knew was coming. Xabi for the final time took two steps back. However, instead of curving the ball as he had done on the first two kicks, he decided to drive the third with all of his power.
The ball whistled through the air and hit Steven square in his arse causing him to fly forward into the back of the net. A noise similar to the sound of fire works resonated around the training ground accompanied by the trio’s laughter.
Carra, Nando, and Xabi had all collapsed on the ground rolling around, laughing hysterically while on the other hand Steven was rolling in the net of the goal hollering like a baby that wants its bottle.
“You,” Steven said freeing himself from the net and getting to his feet. “You did this…you…you…” Steven’s sentenced trailed off as he launched himself at Xabi who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Xabi leapt to his feet and darted off across the training ground trying to get far away from Steven, who had tripped over his shorts that were wrapped around his ankles and landed flat on his face. This caused an uproar of laughter from Carra and Nando who were still rolling on the ground laughing.
Without giving it a second thought, Steven kicked his shorts off his ankles and into Carra’s face and took off after Xabi bare arse naked. They darted from goal line to goal line, side line to side line until the sun began to set. Carra and Nando were left by the 18 dying from laughter.
“I’m going to catch you Xabi, and when I do…”
In response, Xabi fell to the ground laughing and out of breath. He held his hands up in defeat.
“Alright Stevie, I surrender. Take me away and do what you like,” Xabi said holding his wrists together as if he were handcuffed laughing.
“I’m not going to do anything yet but you just wait ‘till we get back to my place. Your arse is all mine - no mercy!”
“Yes sir, captain sir.”