Particle Mans
OK, so I refer to a lot of particles. Some of them are scientifically established and thoroughly real, while others are super-real (meaning that they're realer than real, they have transcended reality - thus being outside of it. I promise, it makes sense and isn't entirely made-up), and still more are just plain not for real. I thought I ought to break them down here. I'm halfway considering revising this for submission to the Journal of Irreproducible Results.
First, examples of the Real particles (with acknowledgment to Wikipedia for this section):
Bosons: In particle physics, bosons are particles with an integer spin, as opposed to fermions which have a half-integer spin. From a behaviour point of view, fermions are particles that obey the Fermi-Dirac statistics while bosons are particles that obey the Bose-Einstein statistics.
Photons: The photon is the elementary particle responsible for electromagnetic phenomena. It is the carrier of electromagnetic radiation of all wavelengths, including gamma rays, X-rays, ultraviolet light, visible light, infrared light, microwaves, and radio waves.
Gluons: Gluons are elementary particles that cause quarks to interact, and are indirectly responsible for the binding of protons and neutrons together in atomic nuclei. In technical terms, they are vector gauge bosons that mediate strong color charge interactions of quarks in quantum chromodynamics.
Phonons: A phonon is a quantized mode of vibration occurring in a rigid crystal lattice, such as the atomic lattice of a solid. The study of phonons is an important part of solid state physics, because phonons play a major role in many of the physical properties of solids, including a material's thermal and electrical conductivities.
Fermions: In particle physics, fermions are particles with a half-integer spin, such as protons and electrons. In contrast to bosons, only one fermion can occupy a quantum state at a given time (they obey the Pauli Exclusion Principle). Thus, if more than one fermion occupies the same place in space, the properties of each fermion (e.g. its spin) must be different from the rest. Therefore fermions are usually related with matter while bosons are related with radiation, though the separation between the two is not clear in quantum physics.
Leptons: A lepton is a sub-atomic particle with spin of 1/2 that does not experience the strong interaction (that is, the strong nuclear force). The leptons form a family of fermions that are distinct from the other known family of fermions, the quarks.
Baryons: The baryons are the family of subatomic particles which are made of three quarks. The family notably includes the proton and neutron, which make up the atomic nucleus, but many other unstable baryons exist as well.
Protons: The proton is a subatomic particle with an electric charge of one positive fundamental unit.
Next, the Super-Real particles:
Ethicons: Ethicons are moral particles and are perceived by the Cartesian flashlight, an important organ which guides our moral intuitions. Originally thought to be more like a tentacle, this theory was abandoned when Hentai was discovered. It was later discovered that the Cartesian flashlight, unlike the mundane flashlight, does not emit particles which are then perceived by another organ (the eye), but in fact is itself the receptor and emits nothing. However, we stuck with the nomenclature anyway, because tentacles are ecchi.
Right-ons: The right-on is a particle of moral goodness (righteousness), and it is radiated by that which is awesometudinous. Right-ons were first postulated when it was noted that in the presence of awesometude, persons would be driven to exclaim, "Right on!" A lack of exposure to right-ons, over time, has been shown to be harmful.
Hate-ons: A hate-on is a particle of moral outrage (indignation), and interestingly, it need not interfere with the right-on. These are many times more massive than the right-on, though; one is typically sufficient to accomplish any spiteful act (hence the turn of phrase, "Getting my hate on").
Phenomen-ons: The phenomen-ons are a class of particles responsible for the phenomenology of first-person experiences, and thus serve as "mental particles." To perceive one is to know what it is like, and no amount of propositional knowledge (such as reading about phenomen-ons) will be able to fill this gap - like pornography, "You know it when you see it." Phenomen-ons are interesting in that they do not merely act upon an observer, but may be generated spontaneously or in reaction to stimulus, sometimes resulting in escalating feedback loops.
Hedons: A hedon is a pleasure particle which is generated by the experience of happiness of any kind. It was once believed that certain kinds of happiness were "better" than others, but when it was observed that the allegedly "higher-order" happinesses were simply the result of compound phenomen-on interactions, this theory was abandoned and the current model came to the fore. It is possible to become "attuned" to the hedon secretions of another person, such that perceiving the hedons emanating from them will cause oneself to secrete hedons; if this relationship is two-way, this results in a feedback loop known as "brain sex."
Hardons: The hardon is a particle of arousal (in the often-but-not-strictly-sexual sense - "excitement" may be used synonymously), named unambiguously after the erect male phallus from which it was first seen to emanate. It was discovered at great length and much expense that the hardon is identical in females and males, though certain structural and hormonal differences result in dissimilar first-person experiences. Nevertheless, this is why it is perfectly fair to say that a female "has a hard-on for" something (honesty, sharing, justice, etc.). The delays in discovering male/female hardonic symmetry (MFHS) are also due in part to the fact that, although hardons themselves are no more difficult to detect in females, corroborating signals tend to be more subtle, and most males simply don't give a shit.
Morons: The moron is the particle of stupidity, the slowest and heaviest of all known phenomen-ons. Those who generate large amounts of morons are termed "highly moronic" and build up a tolerance, even to the point of secreting hedons in the presence of other highly moronic individuals. For those without such a tolerance, exposure to high amounts of morons can result in "brain drain," which is both painful and dangerous. Low-grade exposures, however, can sometimes result in temporary euphoria, and this led to research which found that alcohol has similar effects to moronic exposure: a little bit is fun, sometimes a lot can be a lot of fun, but too much will kill you.
Rations: The ration is the particle of rationality. Like the moron, the ration can cause a tolerance to accrue over time in individuals who are consistently exposed to high concentrations (even when self-generated). Similarly, exposure to rational radiation will cause a condition known as "brainsplosion" in highly moronic individuals who are not accustomed to deep or critical thinking. While both the moron and the ration have been known to cause hedon secretion, only the ration has been experimentally observed to result in the generation of hardons. Though the moron and the ration have been observed to interfere with each other, the observed generation of one does not preclude the generation of the other (though it is exceedingly rare to find individuals with high tolerances for both particles).
Hit-on: The hit-on, like the hardon, is identical in both males and females, though structural and hormonal differences once again lead to different experiences. When radiated by a female, hit-ons are often used sparingly, in subtle and various ways. When directed this way towards a female, hit-ons can be very effective and cause many hardons to be generated. Interestingly, males operate in almost diametrically opposite ways, both in the secretion and reception of hit-ons. The typical male will direct his hit-ons in relatively crude and obvious ways, using them all at once such that they inadvertently trip the target female's moron receptors. Unless copious amounts of alcohol have also been consumed, the female will be unable to experience hardons as a direct result. Conversely, female-typical use of hit-ons will not even register on the typical male hit-on receptors, and the failure to perceive the expected hardon emanations may also trip the female's moron receptors.
Last, the Not For Real particles:
Goodons: Goodons do not exist. They were once thought to be ethicons, similar to but distinct from the right-on, but experimental data has soundly refuted this. Not only has a goodon never been observed, but Utility Monster autopsy (a rich source of data, considering that Utility Monsters ought to be killed before they have the chance to experience suffering) has revealed that there was no organ that could perform a function like goodon reception. Goodons should not be confused with Gordons, which most definitely do exist: the Gordon is a radioactive compound with a high concentration of right-ons and a peculiar half-life (it seems that the Gordon's half-life increases at each stage of decay, resulting in emanations higher in right-on concentration over a shorter time period until it lies dormant during its next decay period).
Badons: Badons were thought to be ethicons similar to the hate-on, until it was discovered that the hate-on is not harmful in and of itself. It was later determined during extensive double-blind trials that all negative effects of hate-on exposure were not due, as was supposed, to any elusive badons, but simply to the lack of right-ons.
Wrongons: Wrongons were thought to be ethicons that functioned like morons, but their supposed effects have been satisfactorily explained by the synergistic effects of overlapping moronic and hate-onic radiation.
Love-ons: The love-on was once thought to be an elusive particle, until it too was explained by the interaction of various forms of other radiation. In this case, the right-ons, hedons, hardons, and hit-ons forming a metastable resonance pattern during an orgy. Not to be confused with a love-in.
Jackons: Ain't no jack-ons. Unfortunately, there are way too many jack-offs.
Now that this has all been laid out, I can finally tell a joke that I've been sitting on since high school:So these two electrons are sitting across from each other at a lunch table in the cafeteria, when a third electron comes up and says, "Hey, mind if I join you guys?" The seated electrons glare at him, and one responds in an irritated tone, "What do you think we are, bosons?!"
Ah! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Listen to my Aristotelian laughter! Ha ha ha!
First, examples of the Real particles (with acknowledgment to Wikipedia for this section):
Bosons: In particle physics, bosons are particles with an integer spin, as opposed to fermions which have a half-integer spin. From a behaviour point of view, fermions are particles that obey the Fermi-Dirac statistics while bosons are particles that obey the Bose-Einstein statistics.
Photons: The photon is the elementary particle responsible for electromagnetic phenomena. It is the carrier of electromagnetic radiation of all wavelengths, including gamma rays, X-rays, ultraviolet light, visible light, infrared light, microwaves, and radio waves.
Gluons: Gluons are elementary particles that cause quarks to interact, and are indirectly responsible for the binding of protons and neutrons together in atomic nuclei. In technical terms, they are vector gauge bosons that mediate strong color charge interactions of quarks in quantum chromodynamics.
Phonons: A phonon is a quantized mode of vibration occurring in a rigid crystal lattice, such as the atomic lattice of a solid. The study of phonons is an important part of solid state physics, because phonons play a major role in many of the physical properties of solids, including a material's thermal and electrical conductivities.
Fermions: In particle physics, fermions are particles with a half-integer spin, such as protons and electrons. In contrast to bosons, only one fermion can occupy a quantum state at a given time (they obey the Pauli Exclusion Principle). Thus, if more than one fermion occupies the same place in space, the properties of each fermion (e.g. its spin) must be different from the rest. Therefore fermions are usually related with matter while bosons are related with radiation, though the separation between the two is not clear in quantum physics.
Leptons: A lepton is a sub-atomic particle with spin of 1/2 that does not experience the strong interaction (that is, the strong nuclear force). The leptons form a family of fermions that are distinct from the other known family of fermions, the quarks.
Baryons: The baryons are the family of subatomic particles which are made of three quarks. The family notably includes the proton and neutron, which make up the atomic nucleus, but many other unstable baryons exist as well.
Protons: The proton is a subatomic particle with an electric charge of one positive fundamental unit.
Next, the Super-Real particles:
Ethicons: Ethicons are moral particles and are perceived by the Cartesian flashlight, an important organ which guides our moral intuitions. Originally thought to be more like a tentacle, this theory was abandoned when Hentai was discovered. It was later discovered that the Cartesian flashlight, unlike the mundane flashlight, does not emit particles which are then perceived by another organ (the eye), but in fact is itself the receptor and emits nothing. However, we stuck with the nomenclature anyway, because tentacles are ecchi.
Right-ons: The right-on is a particle of moral goodness (righteousness), and it is radiated by that which is awesometudinous. Right-ons were first postulated when it was noted that in the presence of awesometude, persons would be driven to exclaim, "Right on!" A lack of exposure to right-ons, over time, has been shown to be harmful.
Hate-ons: A hate-on is a particle of moral outrage (indignation), and interestingly, it need not interfere with the right-on. These are many times more massive than the right-on, though; one is typically sufficient to accomplish any spiteful act (hence the turn of phrase, "Getting my hate on").
Phenomen-ons: The phenomen-ons are a class of particles responsible for the phenomenology of first-person experiences, and thus serve as "mental particles." To perceive one is to know what it is like, and no amount of propositional knowledge (such as reading about phenomen-ons) will be able to fill this gap - like pornography, "You know it when you see it." Phenomen-ons are interesting in that they do not merely act upon an observer, but may be generated spontaneously or in reaction to stimulus, sometimes resulting in escalating feedback loops.
Hedons: A hedon is a pleasure particle which is generated by the experience of happiness of any kind. It was once believed that certain kinds of happiness were "better" than others, but when it was observed that the allegedly "higher-order" happinesses were simply the result of compound phenomen-on interactions, this theory was abandoned and the current model came to the fore. It is possible to become "attuned" to the hedon secretions of another person, such that perceiving the hedons emanating from them will cause oneself to secrete hedons; if this relationship is two-way, this results in a feedback loop known as "brain sex."
Hardons: The hardon is a particle of arousal (in the often-but-not-strictly-sexual sense - "excitement" may be used synonymously), named unambiguously after the erect male phallus from which it was first seen to emanate. It was discovered at great length and much expense that the hardon is identical in females and males, though certain structural and hormonal differences result in dissimilar first-person experiences. Nevertheless, this is why it is perfectly fair to say that a female "has a hard-on for" something (honesty, sharing, justice, etc.). The delays in discovering male/female hardonic symmetry (MFHS) are also due in part to the fact that, although hardons themselves are no more difficult to detect in females, corroborating signals tend to be more subtle, and most males simply don't give a shit.
Morons: The moron is the particle of stupidity, the slowest and heaviest of all known phenomen-ons. Those who generate large amounts of morons are termed "highly moronic" and build up a tolerance, even to the point of secreting hedons in the presence of other highly moronic individuals. For those without such a tolerance, exposure to high amounts of morons can result in "brain drain," which is both painful and dangerous. Low-grade exposures, however, can sometimes result in temporary euphoria, and this led to research which found that alcohol has similar effects to moronic exposure: a little bit is fun, sometimes a lot can be a lot of fun, but too much will kill you.
Rations: The ration is the particle of rationality. Like the moron, the ration can cause a tolerance to accrue over time in individuals who are consistently exposed to high concentrations (even when self-generated). Similarly, exposure to rational radiation will cause a condition known as "brainsplosion" in highly moronic individuals who are not accustomed to deep or critical thinking. While both the moron and the ration have been known to cause hedon secretion, only the ration has been experimentally observed to result in the generation of hardons. Though the moron and the ration have been observed to interfere with each other, the observed generation of one does not preclude the generation of the other (though it is exceedingly rare to find individuals with high tolerances for both particles).
Hit-on: The hit-on, like the hardon, is identical in both males and females, though structural and hormonal differences once again lead to different experiences. When radiated by a female, hit-ons are often used sparingly, in subtle and various ways. When directed this way towards a female, hit-ons can be very effective and cause many hardons to be generated. Interestingly, males operate in almost diametrically opposite ways, both in the secretion and reception of hit-ons. The typical male will direct his hit-ons in relatively crude and obvious ways, using them all at once such that they inadvertently trip the target female's moron receptors. Unless copious amounts of alcohol have also been consumed, the female will be unable to experience hardons as a direct result. Conversely, female-typical use of hit-ons will not even register on the typical male hit-on receptors, and the failure to perceive the expected hardon emanations may also trip the female's moron receptors.
Last, the Not For Real particles:
Goodons: Goodons do not exist. They were once thought to be ethicons, similar to but distinct from the right-on, but experimental data has soundly refuted this. Not only has a goodon never been observed, but Utility Monster autopsy (a rich source of data, considering that Utility Monsters ought to be killed before they have the chance to experience suffering) has revealed that there was no organ that could perform a function like goodon reception. Goodons should not be confused with Gordons, which most definitely do exist: the Gordon is a radioactive compound with a high concentration of right-ons and a peculiar half-life (it seems that the Gordon's half-life increases at each stage of decay, resulting in emanations higher in right-on concentration over a shorter time period until it lies dormant during its next decay period).
Badons: Badons were thought to be ethicons similar to the hate-on, until it was discovered that the hate-on is not harmful in and of itself. It was later determined during extensive double-blind trials that all negative effects of hate-on exposure were not due, as was supposed, to any elusive badons, but simply to the lack of right-ons.
Wrongons: Wrongons were thought to be ethicons that functioned like morons, but their supposed effects have been satisfactorily explained by the synergistic effects of overlapping moronic and hate-onic radiation.
Love-ons: The love-on was once thought to be an elusive particle, until it too was explained by the interaction of various forms of other radiation. In this case, the right-ons, hedons, hardons, and hit-ons forming a metastable resonance pattern during an orgy. Not to be confused with a love-in.
Jackons: Ain't no jack-ons. Unfortunately, there are way too many jack-offs.
Now that this has all been laid out, I can finally tell a joke that I've been sitting on since high school:So these two electrons are sitting across from each other at a lunch table in the cafeteria, when a third electron comes up and says, "Hey, mind if I join you guys?" The seated electrons glare at him, and one responds in an irritated tone, "What do you think we are, bosons?!"
Ah! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Listen to my Aristotelian laughter! Ha ha ha!