Why Is It So Hard
Title: Why Is It So Hard
Author:steelesimz
Artist:browneyesparker
Link to art:
Word Count: 3383
Rating: PG
Summary: When words are not enough.
Disclaimer:Don't own the show.
Notes:Written for the 2012 reverse big bang with artist browneyesparker
Season 4 finale spoilers.
Why Is It So Hard
He walked out of the interrogation room leaving Lisbon and Lorelei alone together. Lisbon could just see her smile out of the corner of her eye. Getting to her feet she made her way to the door, but Lorelei's voice stopped her.
“Red John knows.” she said simply.
Lisbon knew better than to take the bait as the words came out of her mouth, “About?”
“How loyal you are to him.” Lorelei said gleefully.
“He's a friend.” Lisbon answered back but refused to look at her.
“I'm surprised you didn't say that he, 'closes cases'.” she continued to taunt.
Lisbon bit her lip and walked straight out of the room. She needed some fresh air and proceeded to make her way to the one place that she could find peace and quiet. She walked by other agents who were talking about what had happened in the past few days. From the fake deaths of herself and Rigsby to the actual death of Wainwright. She didn't need to hear any of the rumors that were spreading as she walked up the stairs to the attic.
She slid the door open and looked across the room. She smiled as she saw that he was outside on the balcony. She knew that this was where he would come after he had left. She closed the door behind her and watched him for a few seconds. His shoulders were slumped as he was looking out into the city. She walked over to the small door and gave a little knock before walking out to join him.
“Hey.” Lisbon mirrored his position and look at the city beneath her.
“She is going to tell us.” Jane's voice was hoarse as he spoke.
“How can you be so certain that she will?” Lisbon asked softly.
“Because I am.” Jane said cockily.
“I need a better answer than that.” Lisbon stated.
“Don't you trust me?”
“Honestly, no.”
“Why is that?”
“You left.” Lisbon spat out. “You didn't so much as leave a message or text to let any of us know how you were doing and you expected me to trust you completely?!”
“I did it for your safety.” Jane replied genuinely.
“No, you did it because your're selfish.” Lisbon hissed before turning away from him.
Jane grabbed her upper arm to stop her from getting too far. She stopped but didn't turn around to face him. Without releasing his grip Jane walk closer to her, leaned down, and whispered into her ear.
“You know that's a lie.”
His voice sent shivers done her spine. She didn't try to move away from him or get out of the grip that he had on her arm.
“I'm not lying.” she whispered back.
Jane slowly released his grip as his hand drifted down her arm until he could lace his fingers with hers. Just like in the desert she tightened her grip on his hand for fear that he might be a mirage.
“Red John needed to know that I had given up completely and that included me having to lie to you.” he kept his voice low, “If I let you in on the plan then he would have figured it out months ago, and I couldn't risk that.”
“So you don't trust me?” Lisbon asked shaky.
“I trust you with my life.” Jane whispered before closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against the back of her head. Lisbon closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the closeness between the two of them.
“Then why not tell me the truth.” Lisbon asked again as she tilted her head a little to talk to him.
“My dear, all due respect but you can't lie.” Jane replied as he released her hand and backed up a little from her. Lisbon turned around to face him.
“Jane-” Lisbon started to say when her cellphone went off. She cussed to herself before pulling it out of her pocket and answering it. “Lisbon.”
Jane listened as Cho told her that Darcy was in the building asking to see the both of them as soon as possible. Lisbon acknowledged him before hanging up and looking at Jane.
“Darcy wants to talk.”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“We should get going.” Lisbon suggested as she started to walk out. She stopped abruptly at the door and turned back to face him. “We need to have a serious conversation.”
“And we will after all this mess has cleared up.” Jane replied to her as he placed a hand on her lower back to guide her out.
“Susan.” Lisbon stated as she and Jane came down the stairs that led to the attic.
“Any luck with your suspect?” Darcy asked as the three of them made their ways to Lisbon's office.
“It is a work in progress.” Jane replied as he took a seat on the couch. Lisbon sat down at her chair while Darcy took a seat across from her.
“Understood. I'm here to offer both the FBI's and my condolences.” Darcy stated.
“Thank you.” Lisbon replied.
“Also, I've had all the warrants on the team dismissed.”
“I know I speak for them when I say thank you for that.” Lisbon replied.
“You should have never put them out to begin with.” Jane muttered.
“Jane!” Lisbon hissed and shot a glare at him to shut up.
“No, he's right.” Darcy remarked as she quickly glanced at Jane. “The FBI is willing to help you with anything that will lead to the arrest of Red John.”
“That is an interesting development.” Jane observed.
“Seeing as there is a mole in the FBI it is the least we can do.” Darcy stated.
“And how do we know that you aren't the mole?” Jane asked. Lisbon noticed the shift in his eyes from relaxed to anger.
“Agent Darcy, once again thank you for coming.” Lisbon said quickly in hopes of diffusing the conversation.
Darcy nodded her head in understanding before getting to her feet and walking to the door. “If you need anything, please call.”
Lisbon nodded as she watched her walk out of the office and down the hallway. Jane got to his feet and walked over to her.
“We can't trust her.” he said.
“Since when?” Lisbon asked.
“We can't trust anyone who works for the FBI,” Jane told her flat out, “or anybody that works for the CBI.”
“So we keep all Red John information between the team.” Lisbon concluded but Jane shook his head. She cocked her head, “You want to keep the team out of this?”
“Yes.” Jane said.
“Have you lost your mind?!” Lisbon spat as she got to her feet and walked over to him.
“No, it is for their-” Jane was cut off by the wave of her hand.
“I don't want to hear your excuse.” Lisbon replied angrily as she walked over to the door and closed it. She pointed to the couch before closing the blinds to give them some privacy.
“Lisbon.” he stated firmly.
“We are having this conversation now.” she ordered him as she walked over to the couch.
“We have more important things to do.” He pointed out.
“Those things can wait.” Lisbon replied.
“What do you want to know?” Jane asked as he took a seat next to her.
“What did Red John say?” Lisbon asked as she shifted slightly in her seat.
Jane studied her for a few seconds before speaking. “That's not what you wanted to know.”
“Yes, it is.” Lisbon growled through her teeth. Jane shook his head no. “Fine, then what the hell do I want to know?”
“You want to know why I slept with her.” Jane said calmly.
“N-No, I don't.” Lisbon stuttered.
“It was all part of the plan, Lisbon.” Jane said as he placed a hand on her knee. Lisbon jerked her knee away from him.
“Yeah your plan worked out so well.” Lisbon said sarcastically as she crossed her arms across her chest.
“The plan backfired because Red John called my bluff.” Jane stated.
“You couldn't give him what he asked for?” Lisbon confessed.
“Yes. And he had tested me by sending Lorelei to me that day. She reported back to him and he believed that I had given up but he wanted me to prove, one last time, I had.” he explained.
“Jane-” Lisbon stated but Jane lifted his hand to stop her.
“Let me finish,” he told her before moving closer to her and grabbing her hand in his. “I could never give him you. You are the most important person in my life and the only person I trust. I knew the second she had told me of Red John's request that I would fail but I had to give it a shot because-” his voice started to break.
Lisbon looked as she felt a single tear fall from her eye. Shaking her head she let go of his hand and pulled him into a hug. She felt his hands go around her waist to pull her even closer before he dropped his head on her shoulder. The thoughts of the last hug they shared didn't escape her thoughts as they just sat there wrapped in each others embrace.
“You know you can't protect me.” she whispered into his ear.
“I want to protect you.” he replied simply as he raised his head and moved slightly back to so he could look at her.
“And how do you expected to do that?” Lisbon asked with a smirk.
“By any means possible.” he replied serious as he leaned over and kissed her forehead before letting her go.
“Jane.” she warned him as he got to his feet and headed to the door.
“I meant what I said to you before.” he told her right before walking out.
Lisbon sat their in shock as she watched him disappear. He had never been one to show any indication that he felt something more than friendship for her until that evening. After they had both blown off the entire thing, and she had placed in the back of her mind. Now all of a sudden he meant it. For the first time she was the one searching for the words to tell him how she felt.
Lisbon had spent the rest of the day in her office trying to fill out paperwork instead of thinking about what Jane had told her a few hours before. Finally she dropped her pen on the desk and got to her feet. Heading out of the office she walked into the bullpen in search of Jane but he wasn't anywhere in sight.
“Where's Jane?” Lisbon asked Van Pelt who was sitting at the conference table filling out paperwork.
“I think he's in the interrogation room with Lorelei.” Van Pelt told her before going back to filling out paper work.
“How long has he been in there?” Lisbon asked alarmed.
“Not sure.”
Lisbon nodded and made her way there. She looked through the window and noticed that the two of them were just sitting there staring at each other. Lorelei said something to Jane but he only gave her a slight smile. Wanting to hear the conversation Lisbon walked into the room next door and clicked the volume button as she watched through the two-way mirror.
“So how does she feel knowing we were lovers?” Lorelei asked.
“Why don't you tell me about him?” Jane avoided her question as he watched her.
“No.”
“Why are you so loyal to him?” Jane pushed on.
“Why is she loyal to you?”
“This has nothing to do with her.” he replied.
“Oh but you're wrong lover.”
“Am I?”
“Everything he does now has to do with her.” she answered with a wicked smile.
Lisbon held her breath as she watched him rise to his feet and walk to the door. He opened it a little bit before turning around to look at her.
“He won't get to her.” he growled before walking out. Lisbon turned quickly and opened the door to find him standing in front of it.
“I knew you would find me sooner or later.”
“I don't want you talking to her without someone from the team present.” she told him as she pulled on his arm to get him into the room.
“She had no control on me.” he told her as he closed the door.
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I am.”
“Jane, you slept with her so you now have this connection to her.”
“It didn't mean anything.” he told her as he took a step closer.
“You can say that but it doesn't mean that it isn't there.”
Jane sighed then put both his hands on her face. Lisbon eyes caught his right before he bent down and captured her lips with his own. The kiss started off slow and sweet as the two of them savored the long awaited moment. It wasn't until Lisbon wrapped were arms around his neck did he finally deepen the kiss.
“We can't.”she pushed him away with all the effort she could muster. Jane groaned as she put some distance between them.
“Why?”
“You know why.” Lisbon stated as she tried not to look at him.
“Because of my past.” he started.
“That is part of the reason.”
“What is the other part?”
“My past.” she whispered.
“Teresa-” Jane began to say.
“It is so hard for me to tell you what I'm feeling.”
“I know.”
“Patrick, I keep searching for the words to tell you how I feel but every time I think I found them I can't say anything.” she told him with tears brimming in the corners of her eyes.
“I know how you feel.” he told her as he walked up to her and hugged her.
“Because you can read me so well.”she mumbled against his chest.
“Of course, my dear.” Jane whispered to her before placing a finger under her chin to life her face to his and once again captured her lips with his own.
She had wondered from time to time what it would be like to kiss him but they had never bothered to cross that line that they had set. She felt his hand tangled in her hair as his tongue slid across her lips silently asking for entrance. She granted his request as she allowed her hands to run through his blonds curls. The two of them finally separated after the need for oxygen became more apparent.
“Wow.” was the only word Jane could say as he leaned his head against hers.
“Better than Lorelei?” Lisbon smiled.
“There is no comparison.” he told her as he leaned down to kiss her again but the creaking of the door made them jump apart.
“Hmm, did you want me to put Lorelei back in holding?” Rigsby asked confused as he looked at the scene in front of him.
“Yes.” Lisbon's raspy voice told him. Rigsby nodded and at the closing of the door Jane couldn't help but start laughing a little.
“It isn't fumy.” she told him as she slapped his shoulder.
“Where is your sense of humor?”
“Jane if they find out about any of this.” she began to mumble.
“Honestly, do you think they will object to us?” Jane asked trying to control his laughter.
“No, but that isn't the point.” Lisbon snapped back.
“What is the point, my dear?” Jane asked with a smile.
“For one, it is against the rules.” she pointed out.
“Since when did we ever follow the rules?”
“You don't follow the rules but I'm supposed to.”
“Meh.”
“This is serious.”
“No, this is a long time coming.”
“And what happens to us now?” Lisbon asked with a serious tone.
“We take it one step at a time and see where it goes.” Jane replied.
“And what happens when people find out? Or worse! What if Red John finds out about us?”
“The entire time I was in Vegas all I thought about was you, even when I was with Lorelei my mind was on you. So I don't care what people say about us. As for Red John he already knew a long time ago that you meant more to me than anyone else.” he explained to her.
“Still, this is going to be complicated.” she smirked.
“I know.”
“Then my life has been complicated since the first day I met you.” Lisbon smiled at him before walking over to him and giving him a quick kiss.
“Lets get out of here.” Jane suggested as he placed a hand on her lower back.
Lisbon had taken him back to her apartment since he wasn't living at the motel he used to live at, and she refused to allow him to stay at any other motel for the night. She walked into the living room and turn on the lights.
“Why don't you go take a shower and change into something more comfortable.” she suggested as she headed into the kitchen.
Jane nodded, grabbed his duffel bag, and made his way to her bathroom. After a quick hot shower and shave he changed into some sweats and a t-shirt before making his way to the kitchen. He found her placing some take out food onto plates.
“Smells good.” he started as he walked up behind her. She smiled and turned around to face him.
“It is take out.” she replied to him before giving him a quick kiss. Jane smiled as he took his seat and started to eat the dinner.
“I'm going to go take a shower.” she told him after they had finished eating and cleared the dishes.
“Okay.” he replied as he watched her walk out.
Jane made his way to the couch and laid down. He listened to the sound of the shower and allowed his exhaustion to take over his body. He didn't hear the water turn off or the opening of the bathroom door sometime later.
Lisbon made her way down the stairs and over to the couch. He was fast asleep when she knelt down next to him to watch him sleep. She pulled a blanket from the top of the couch and wrapped it over him so he would stay warm. Leaning over she gave him a quick kiss on the lips before getting to her feet and started to walk away from him but his hand grabbed her wrist.
“Stay?” he begged without opening his eyes. Lisbon studied him for a moment as her mind debated whether she should stay or not.
“Move over.” she stated with a smile. Jane did as he was told and she laid down next to him with her head on his chest. His right arm came to rest on her side pulling her as close as possible.
“Night.” he whispered to her before kissing the top of her head.
“I love you.” she whispered to him as she snuggled closer to him. A smile played on his lips as he knew that she had finally come up with the words she had been meaning to say to him.
Whatever fate had in store for them didn't matter in that moment. For now they were in this together for better or worse, and it had all simply started with “I love you.”