Sateda - A different kind of Commentary
Title: Sateda - A different kind of Commentary
Author: starrylizard
Characters: Wraith Commentators et al.
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: PG, crack!fic
Spoilers: Totally spoils Sateda (3x4)
Summary: Well, it’s a sunny day here on Sateda, and we’re reporting to you live from the Hive ship orbiting the planet. Conditions here are absolutely perfect for the hunt today.
Notes: I blame this whole thing on Yokiem and Derry667, and one of them saying how funny it would be if the hunt was commentated just like the cricket. It kind of got bigger from there. Warnings for bad puns in the advertisements. All download files are in wmv format, highest res I could manage. Thanks to celtic_sky for the beta. :)
Now with a super-awesome cover by smuffster. Thanks, hon!
The Wraith Queen sat back on her throne, surrounded by a few of her chosen, as she switched on the holographic projection of her favourite show.
“It’s Hunting Tiiiiime,” boomed an impressive voice, “and here’s our favourite commentators, Bob aaand Bruce.” The picture cleared and two commentators could be seen seated behind a bench.
Bob: Well, it’s a sunny day here on Sateda, and we’re reporting to you live from the Hive ship orbiting the planet. Conditions here are absolutely perfect for the hunt today.
Bruce: Yes, you’re absolutely right there, Bob. Absolutely marvellous conditions here on Sateda and it’s such an interesting setting for the hunt, with burnt-out buildings and rubble. Then add to that the drama of this being the Runner’s home planet and you’ve got all the necessary elements for a great fight.
Bob: Oh, and here’s the prey being delivered now. Ronon Dex, the only Runner to successfully evade the hunt for seven years, before somehow divesting himself of the tracking device.
Bruce: Yes, and now recaptured and released here on his home world for the final hunt. This should be a good one.
Bob: Indeed! And here’s our hunter rematerializing now. Joe, or as he’s been nicknamed, ‘Goggles Joe’, is quite the imposing specimen in his trademark eyewear.
Bruce: Yes, it’s a little known fact that Joe actually has enhanced night vision, Bob. Good for hunting in the dark, but it means those goggles are a real necessity here in the Satedan sun.
Bob: Joe’s never lost a hunt yet in his 3000-year career. That’s quite an amazing statistic right there for this exciting new young player.
Bruce: Yes, it’s shaping up to be an incredible match up here today.
Bob: Joe’s had a good look around and he’s pulling out his weapon now. Primed and ready there young ‘Goggles Joe’. Such an honour to be given first crack at this hunt.
Bruce: We’ve not seen such excitement over a hunting match since before the last great cull. I believe it was a Ballkan Runner by the name of…
Bob: Oh! Would you look at that! It appears Ronon armed himself somehow and Joe’s walked right into it. That Runner is quite the wily one; you can really see how he managed to last seven years.
Bruce: And I’m told we’re going live now to our on-site reporter… Theo, what’s it like down there on the ground?
Theo: It’s hectic down here, Bruce. We’re having trouble getting a clear picture of what’s going on in the abandoned warehouse behind me, but I’m about to try to sneak a look inside.
[sound of wraith stun fire and loud grunting and yelling]
Oh my god! It’s all action down here. Looks like Ronon has a knife and Joe’s firing wildly. It’s quite a scuffle and oooh, that’s got to hurt. Oh crap. This is Theo reporting live from…
Bruce: Theo? Theo, can you hear us? Well, it seems we’ve lost our live feed there. It looks like Joe isn’t fairing as well as we’d expected and this hunt could go on for a lot longer than we thought.
Bob: Yeah, Joe may just be out-classed here. The bookies are going to be raking in those cocoons tonight.
Bruce: Well, as I was saying, there hasn’t been a fight quite this anticipated since…
Bob: OH! And he’s off again. Would you look at that? Ronon kicked open the door to that warehouse. I guess we know who won that scuffle.
Bruce: What fighting spirit that Runner’s got. It looks like he’s heading into some sort of underground tunnel system.
Bob: We’ve got live WraithCam footage here, following Ronon into the tunnel systems. I’m not sure what he expects to achieve with this particular move.
ooooooo
ooooooo
Bruce: Looks like he’s arming himself. There’s a weapons cache down there.
Bob: Oh, you’re right! Would you look at that! Marvellous, just marvellous! He knows this territory and it’s turning out to be much more of an advantage than expected.
Bruce: Oh and here’s Joe again! Oooh! Ouch! That has to hurt.
Bob: Yes, Joe’s definitely not getting up after that one! Ronon’s just thrown a hand grenade to make sure. What drama!
Bruce: Oh, would you look at that!! They’ve sent in new hunters and it’s the Fabulous Five!
Bob: Wow, yes, they are really sending in the big guns now! Ferdinand, Farley, Fox, Fernando and Frank - The Fabulous Five! Oh, this is exciting now. These guys have over 30 000 years experience between them.
Bruce: Actually, Bob, Fabulous Frank has recently been forced to retire due to injury and they’ve replaced him with a fairly new player, Fabio.
Bob: I stand corrected there, Bruce. Oh and they’re moving in now and Fabio is down already. The others look to have the Runner trapped though and there’s stunner fire everywhere.
Bruce: What excitement! Look at that, he’s just leapt over the boxes and it seems he has weapons hidden everywhere. I don’t think the world of hunting has ever seen anything quite like that before, Bob!
Bob: Fabulous moves on Ronon’s part here. Hidden weapons; what a show! He’s taken out four of the Fabulous Five just like that, but wait where’s Farley got to?
Bruce: Oh, he’s above him. What a move, but oh not good enough. Ronon just flicked the gun up with his foot ad took him out. Marvellous, just marvellous.
Bob: Let’s look at an action replay of that final fabulous move.
He looks up and sees Farley and there’s the dodge. Wonderful reflexes there, as he kicks up the gun, pumps it and shoots… and there goes Farley!
Bruce: Just look at that little self-satisfied pose there. He knows he’s got their number.
Bob: Oh, breaking news here. There’s been an explosion down there. It’s likely that Farley set off his personal self-destruct as a final act, but we don’t have confirmation on that yet. It’s taken out our cameras, so we’re unable to see whether Ronon has made it out of there.
Bruce: We’ll take a short break while we wait on confirmation one way or the other. In the mean time, here’s a message from our sponsors.
(or dl it YSI or Filefront - 4mb)
(or dl YSI or Filefront - 3mb)
(For some reason Youtube isn't playing this one. It tells me it's coming? If it doesn't work soon I will reupload.)
Bruce: And we’re back, reporting live from Sateda, and we can now confirm that the hunt is still on. It looks like the Runner is heading into an old hospital building.
Bob: They’ve also just sent in twenty-five new hunters and they are closing in on his position now. This should be a real spectacle. Ronon looked pretty angry.
Bruce: We don’t have camera feed inside the building, but the life signs detectors are now picking up two unidentified life signs inside the building with Ronon.
Bob: Curious, isn’t it? All three are now on the move, Ronon in the lead, the other two life forms are staying close together and our hunters are going down.
Bruce: Yes, it doesn’t look good, Bob. Damn look at them go down. We started with twenty-five and we’ve already lost ten of those… fifteen …twenty …twenty-four!
Bob: And there goes the last one. That was quick!
Bruce: In a stunningly bold move, Ronon is now inviting the Ring Master down. He’s going too. The Ring Master himself is heading down to the planet right this instant.
Bob: Bart, the Ring Master, is 30 000 years old. To say he is an experienced hunter is an understatement.
Bruce: That might be the case, Bob, but Bart’s pretty out of the loop. He’s been coaching and training younger hunters for over 6000 years now. Some might say he’s rusty, gone soft in the middle.
Bob: He’s still a pretty formidable opponent though. He’s moving in to meet Ronon now. Ronon’s really strutting his manly stuff down there. Almost looks like some sort of primal war dance. These humans never cease to amaze me, but old Barty’s really looking unimpressed.
Bruce: Ronon’s attacking now, running in with nothing more than a knife. Ooh, he’ll have to do better than that. The move has been easily deflected by Bart. This fight is looking too easy!
Bob: Yeah, it’s a straight out fistfight down there and Barty definitely has the upper hand here. His pure Wraith strength is easily overwhelming… Hang on, what’s this now?
Bruce: What looks like a small Atlantean ship has just decloaked and blown the Ring Master away with a torpedo. Wow! I really didn’t expect that! What a show!
Bob: Looks like Ronon will live to run another day. Remarkable, absolutely remarkable.
Bruce: Well, that’s it from the hunt today. Hope you enjoyed our coverage of this most interesting event.
Bob: Yes, this will certainly be one for the history books!
Bruce: This has been Bruce
Bob: And Bob
Bruce: And you’ve been watching ‘It’s Hunting Time’.
The commentators waved happily as the feed cut out.
Author: starrylizard
Characters: Wraith Commentators et al.
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: PG, crack!fic
Spoilers: Totally spoils Sateda (3x4)
Summary: Well, it’s a sunny day here on Sateda, and we’re reporting to you live from the Hive ship orbiting the planet. Conditions here are absolutely perfect for the hunt today.
Notes: I blame this whole thing on Yokiem and Derry667, and one of them saying how funny it would be if the hunt was commentated just like the cricket. It kind of got bigger from there. Warnings for bad puns in the advertisements. All download files are in wmv format, highest res I could manage. Thanks to celtic_sky for the beta. :)
Now with a super-awesome cover by smuffster. Thanks, hon!
The Wraith Queen sat back on her throne, surrounded by a few of her chosen, as she switched on the holographic projection of her favourite show.
“It’s Hunting Tiiiiime,” boomed an impressive voice, “and here’s our favourite commentators, Bob aaand Bruce.” The picture cleared and two commentators could be seen seated behind a bench.
Bob: Well, it’s a sunny day here on Sateda, and we’re reporting to you live from the Hive ship orbiting the planet. Conditions here are absolutely perfect for the hunt today.
Bruce: Yes, you’re absolutely right there, Bob. Absolutely marvellous conditions here on Sateda and it’s such an interesting setting for the hunt, with burnt-out buildings and rubble. Then add to that the drama of this being the Runner’s home planet and you’ve got all the necessary elements for a great fight.
Bob: Oh, and here’s the prey being delivered now. Ronon Dex, the only Runner to successfully evade the hunt for seven years, before somehow divesting himself of the tracking device.
Bruce: Yes, and now recaptured and released here on his home world for the final hunt. This should be a good one.
Bob: Indeed! And here’s our hunter rematerializing now. Joe, or as he’s been nicknamed, ‘Goggles Joe’, is quite the imposing specimen in his trademark eyewear.
Bruce: Yes, it’s a little known fact that Joe actually has enhanced night vision, Bob. Good for hunting in the dark, but it means those goggles are a real necessity here in the Satedan sun.
Bob: Joe’s never lost a hunt yet in his 3000-year career. That’s quite an amazing statistic right there for this exciting new young player.
Bruce: Yes, it’s shaping up to be an incredible match up here today.
Bob: Joe’s had a good look around and he’s pulling out his weapon now. Primed and ready there young ‘Goggles Joe’. Such an honour to be given first crack at this hunt.
Bruce: We’ve not seen such excitement over a hunting match since before the last great cull. I believe it was a Ballkan Runner by the name of…
Bob: Oh! Would you look at that! It appears Ronon armed himself somehow and Joe’s walked right into it. That Runner is quite the wily one; you can really see how he managed to last seven years.
Bruce: And I’m told we’re going live now to our on-site reporter… Theo, what’s it like down there on the ground?
Theo: It’s hectic down here, Bruce. We’re having trouble getting a clear picture of what’s going on in the abandoned warehouse behind me, but I’m about to try to sneak a look inside.
[sound of wraith stun fire and loud grunting and yelling]
Oh my god! It’s all action down here. Looks like Ronon has a knife and Joe’s firing wildly. It’s quite a scuffle and oooh, that’s got to hurt. Oh crap. This is Theo reporting live from…
Bruce: Theo? Theo, can you hear us? Well, it seems we’ve lost our live feed there. It looks like Joe isn’t fairing as well as we’d expected and this hunt could go on for a lot longer than we thought.
Bob: Yeah, Joe may just be out-classed here. The bookies are going to be raking in those cocoons tonight.
Bruce: Well, as I was saying, there hasn’t been a fight quite this anticipated since…
Bob: OH! And he’s off again. Would you look at that? Ronon kicked open the door to that warehouse. I guess we know who won that scuffle.
Bruce: What fighting spirit that Runner’s got. It looks like he’s heading into some sort of underground tunnel system.
Bob: We’ve got live WraithCam footage here, following Ronon into the tunnel systems. I’m not sure what he expects to achieve with this particular move.
ooooooo
ooooooo
Bruce: Looks like he’s arming himself. There’s a weapons cache down there.
Bob: Oh, you’re right! Would you look at that! Marvellous, just marvellous! He knows this territory and it’s turning out to be much more of an advantage than expected.
Bruce: Oh and here’s Joe again! Oooh! Ouch! That has to hurt.
Bob: Yes, Joe’s definitely not getting up after that one! Ronon’s just thrown a hand grenade to make sure. What drama!
Bruce: Oh, would you look at that!! They’ve sent in new hunters and it’s the Fabulous Five!
Bob: Wow, yes, they are really sending in the big guns now! Ferdinand, Farley, Fox, Fernando and Frank - The Fabulous Five! Oh, this is exciting now. These guys have over 30 000 years experience between them.
Bruce: Actually, Bob, Fabulous Frank has recently been forced to retire due to injury and they’ve replaced him with a fairly new player, Fabio.
Bob: I stand corrected there, Bruce. Oh and they’re moving in now and Fabio is down already. The others look to have the Runner trapped though and there’s stunner fire everywhere.
Bruce: What excitement! Look at that, he’s just leapt over the boxes and it seems he has weapons hidden everywhere. I don’t think the world of hunting has ever seen anything quite like that before, Bob!
Bob: Fabulous moves on Ronon’s part here. Hidden weapons; what a show! He’s taken out four of the Fabulous Five just like that, but wait where’s Farley got to?
Bruce: Oh, he’s above him. What a move, but oh not good enough. Ronon just flicked the gun up with his foot ad took him out. Marvellous, just marvellous.
Bob: Let’s look at an action replay of that final fabulous move.
He looks up and sees Farley and there’s the dodge. Wonderful reflexes there, as he kicks up the gun, pumps it and shoots… and there goes Farley!
Bruce: Just look at that little self-satisfied pose there. He knows he’s got their number.
Bob: Oh, breaking news here. There’s been an explosion down there. It’s likely that Farley set off his personal self-destruct as a final act, but we don’t have confirmation on that yet. It’s taken out our cameras, so we’re unable to see whether Ronon has made it out of there.
Bruce: We’ll take a short break while we wait on confirmation one way or the other. In the mean time, here’s a message from our sponsors.
(or dl it YSI or Filefront - 4mb)
(or dl YSI or Filefront - 3mb)
(For some reason Youtube isn't playing this one. It tells me it's coming? If it doesn't work soon I will reupload.)
Bruce: And we’re back, reporting live from Sateda, and we can now confirm that the hunt is still on. It looks like the Runner is heading into an old hospital building.
Bob: They’ve also just sent in twenty-five new hunters and they are closing in on his position now. This should be a real spectacle. Ronon looked pretty angry.
Bruce: We don’t have camera feed inside the building, but the life signs detectors are now picking up two unidentified life signs inside the building with Ronon.
Bob: Curious, isn’t it? All three are now on the move, Ronon in the lead, the other two life forms are staying close together and our hunters are going down.
Bruce: Yes, it doesn’t look good, Bob. Damn look at them go down. We started with twenty-five and we’ve already lost ten of those… fifteen …twenty …twenty-four!
Bob: And there goes the last one. That was quick!
Bruce: In a stunningly bold move, Ronon is now inviting the Ring Master down. He’s going too. The Ring Master himself is heading down to the planet right this instant.
Bob: Bart, the Ring Master, is 30 000 years old. To say he is an experienced hunter is an understatement.
Bruce: That might be the case, Bob, but Bart’s pretty out of the loop. He’s been coaching and training younger hunters for over 6000 years now. Some might say he’s rusty, gone soft in the middle.
Bob: He’s still a pretty formidable opponent though. He’s moving in to meet Ronon now. Ronon’s really strutting his manly stuff down there. Almost looks like some sort of primal war dance. These humans never cease to amaze me, but old Barty’s really looking unimpressed.
Bruce: Ronon’s attacking now, running in with nothing more than a knife. Ooh, he’ll have to do better than that. The move has been easily deflected by Bart. This fight is looking too easy!
Bob: Yeah, it’s a straight out fistfight down there and Barty definitely has the upper hand here. His pure Wraith strength is easily overwhelming… Hang on, what’s this now?
Bruce: What looks like a small Atlantean ship has just decloaked and blown the Ring Master away with a torpedo. Wow! I really didn’t expect that! What a show!
Bob: Looks like Ronon will live to run another day. Remarkable, absolutely remarkable.
Bruce: Well, that’s it from the hunt today. Hope you enjoyed our coverage of this most interesting event.
Bob: Yes, this will certainly be one for the history books!
Bruce: This has been Bruce
Bob: And Bob
Bruce: And you’ve been watching ‘It’s Hunting Time’.
The commentators waved happily as the feed cut out.