8) This Man Is Your Father
He hadn't saved her... had he?
A/N- I think as a male and as a father, Rory does need to deal with it too. Please Review.
It had been two years for him. Two years of grieving, and not grieving. Of waiting and knowing she’d never be coming home. Of seeing children playing outside and fighting the urge to look for his own child. He had his River. That was plenty. But he still hadn’t fully dealt with not having his Melody. Not really.
Sure, he loved when she visited, and laughed and listened and accepted that this is who she was. And he was always just so PROUD of her. His little River Song. Only she wasn’t little. She would never be little again. And he knew- though he usually only admitted it aloud in his dreams- that it was so much his fault. He had had Kovarian in his grasp! He had been there and could have stopped her, followed her, destroyed her, ripped the base apart piece by piece until he found his baby girl. His real baby. He truly was a StupidFace. Amy would have been a hard call- he could admit that. But after seeing how convincing the flesh was, several times, after being tricked by a wife who wasn’t really there- why hadn’t he at least suspected?! And River had even warned him!
He startled awake again, the morning of his second Father’s Day, the nightmare of the time he had so failed as a father refreshed in his memory. He was restless. He went downstairs, careful not to wake his wife. After putting on the kettle, he washed his face, then turned away from the mirror, disgusted by the man too weak to protect his only child. He grabbed one of the pictures of her from its special place and couldn’t stop the breakdown, falling on the floor and unsuccessfully trying to stop the tears.
“I’m sorry. So, so sorry. So sorry.” He kept crying, clutching the image of the girl he’d never held as he should have, attempting to offer a lost orphan a hope long dead. Praying that she had had someone who loved her as she deserved when she most needed it. The caretaker had seemed nice, if not confused. But his baby didn’t deserve that. She deserved more than nice. She deserved his arms around her, telling her how much he loved her. How beautiful she was. How amazing she would become. How everything would be alright because Daddy really would be there. But, she had never had that. He had let down one of the only two people in his life it was his duty, obligation, and privilege to protect. Or- it should have been.
He didn’t always feel this way. These feelings mostly stayed behind the doors in his mind where he kept everything else that hurt- that was too much to deal with on a daily basis. But, they did pop up at the most innocent times. Treating a child in the emergency room. Watching an action movie, where the hero swoops in and saves the day. River’s birthday. Father’s day. Christmas. Saturdays. And, when they came, they overwhelmed him and he was always sure he would suffocate from the pain and is always certain he wants to because that’s what he deserves. So, he hugs his photo tighter and continues asking forgiveness from the one child whose wounds he couldn’t heal.
“Why are you sorry?”
He should have guessed she’d get her early. He looked up, knowing it was useless to try to hide his tear- streaked face. He’d been caught.
“River…” He couldn’t even continue the thought.
“Rory, what’s wrong?!” That name cut him even more- reminding him of the relationship they now had. The only one they would ever have.
She puts down the two cups of tea she was holding and looks at him. Then she reaches down and pulls him up, taking the picture he’s still clutching as she guides him to the couch.
“What are you sorry about?” She repeats. She actually sounds genuinely confused. How does she not know? How does she not constantly blame him?! How can she stand the sight of him? He doesn’t deserve her.
“It’s all my fault!” he finally bursts, no longer able to stand her looks of worry and understanding. “I didn’t save you. I didn’t save you… I wasn’t there for you.”
“Dad-“no, that title hurt worse. He wasn’t worthy of it. “Not even the Doctor could have-“
“I’M your father. I’M the one who should’ve protected you. I’M the one who-“
“You’re the one who still came. Who fought for me, and not just to repay an old debt. Who gave me some of my first tastes of safety and love. No one could change what happened a very, very long time ago. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR, NOR MUM’S, NOR MY, NOR THE DOCTOR’S FAULT. What happened happened. But I’ve never blamed any of you.” Her firm gaze did little to console him.
“I never even got to really hold you.” He was hiccupping now, defeated and all cried out, wallowing in guilt.
River looked at the broken man before her, who she had never seen as anything but strong and amazing. She couldn’t let him see himself as weak, or horrible, or worse- blame himself for anything. She wished he could see himself as she saw him. Then, she realized, he could.
“Dad, I need you to close your eyes.” He looked up at her questioningly.
“Trust me.” She closed her eyes as well and leaned into him, until she touched him forehead to forehead. She felt his flinch at the contact, but held his face in her hands.
“Remember, I’m not fully human. My memories span clearer and longer than yours. I need you to know the first time I remember feeling safe.”
“River, I-“
“Shh…”
He was in the dark. He didn’t like the dark. He heard crying, and realized it was his own. Not his own. Melody’s. He felt what she felt. Scared. She was being moved so abruptly. She wanted the woman who smelled nice back. She wanted kisses and arms and safe and light. But, she was alone and scared and heard the Woman and she didn’t like the sound. But then she heard a voice. A single word.
“No.” She didn’t know that voice. Except that she did. Call it a memory from the womb. It was always with her when she was in the Big Milk Thing. She liked that voice. It soothed her. It comforted her. She wanted it, too.
Then, there was light, and a man in a dress stood before her. He had such a kind face. She liked him.
“Hello, little one. I’m your Daddy.” He had arms too. Arms that held her and caressed her and she didn’t even mind that he didn’t feed her. She watched him intently as he unwrapped her slowly, lovingly, counting fingers and toes, tickling her belly button and holding her head close and he came with kisses too. She leaned into him and felt unbelievably…loved. She liked Dress Man almost as much as she liked the Smell- Nice woman. She said hello and asked what he was wearing. He didn’t put her back in the dark. She felt safe in his arms. She fell asleep, knowing he would keep holding her close.
When he found the Big Milk Thing again, she felt complete, held between both of them. But, he had taken his eyes off her, so she reached for him and tried to pat his chest to get his attention again. He was crying, but she liked his crying. She wanted to introduce herself, so she waved at him. But now he was talking to the idiot in the bow tie and the chin. Ooh. She liked the idiot. She told her Dress Man so, now that his attention was back on her. She also told him the tie was ridiculous. The Chin Man told her it was cool.
They had finally listened to her and put her down to sleep, but he always kept near her- never out of her sight, so she wanted to keep talking to him. She told him all about her new crib, how it was pretty, and how she liked Mummy’s hair.
Then she felt the fear in the air. She cried because Mummy was scared. But then Daddy was putting them down safe and kissed her head and she was alright. She told Mummy she would be ok because Daddy would make it not dark again. Then she heard the noises again, the noises that could hurt him and she started crying once more.
It had been years. Years of fear and helplessness. But she had finally escaped. She was petrified, hiding behind a wall from the monsters who were always there. Then she heard his voice again, just for a second, and that spurred her into action. She ran to the freedom he inspired in her.
Death had hurt. But now she was alive again. She was a toddler. She was scared. She was alone, again. “You’re going to be alright,” she heard from the man who pulled her out of the alleyway. He held her close to him, and once again, she was safe. She didn’t really remember his face. But, she remembered her feelings. He was hers. She was his. Come for her again.
She was alone on the playground, looking for her mother. She was almost certain she was here. She was tired- so tired of running. But, she had to keep going, keep trying, until she found that peace she barely remembered. She knew it waited for her somewhere. Maybe it was here, on this playground. All she could do was reign in the fear and keep up the hope. She hadn’t eaten much in awhile. Or rested fully, always on high alert. Then a little boy approached her slowly, non-threateningly. He held out half a sandwich to her. She took it greedily. He sat next to her and ate the other half. She didn’t run, or even try to move. For the first time in years, she felt safe again. She tried very hard and very unsuccessfully no to feel at peace around him.
Tears filled Rory’s face when he finally opened his eyes, the same eyes that looked back at him from his daughter’s face.
“That was… incredible.”
“Yeah. You always have been. And Dad- that’s not where the memories end.”
“Did- that alleyway. Wasn’t that a spoiler?”
“Would you still do it if I’d never shown you?”
“I’ve never stopped looking for you.”
“Then no. It’s not a spoiler. I haven’t told you where, or when. You’ll find me. You always do.”
He looked up at her, for the first time really seeing the child he so briefly held but immediately fell head over heels in love with.
“I-“
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again, Dad. You have always been there for me whenever I’ve needed it. I’ve never doubted it, not from the beginning. I guess you could thank Mum for that. But- don’t you ever concentrate on what you couldn’t do again. I showed you that so you would KNOW. You need to know. Thank you for being you. And for always making me safe again.”
Rory was speechless. He had blamed himself for so long, but seeing himself through River’s eyes, he couldn’t help but feel… good. And loved, even if her love was so different from a normal child’s offering. His Melody was not a normal child.
“Do you think- Would you mind it terribly if… we... hugged.”
River didn’t answer. She just leaned into him, accepting his embrace. He held her tightly to his chest, cradling her head the way he had cradled her tiny body, tears pouring down his face as he got to be “cool” once again. She let him hold her, then wished him a happy Father’s Day.
“Thank you for being my father, Rory.”
“No, Doctor Song. Thank you for letting me be one.”
A/N- I think as a male and as a father, Rory does need to deal with it too. Please Review.
It had been two years for him. Two years of grieving, and not grieving. Of waiting and knowing she’d never be coming home. Of seeing children playing outside and fighting the urge to look for his own child. He had his River. That was plenty. But he still hadn’t fully dealt with not having his Melody. Not really.
Sure, he loved when she visited, and laughed and listened and accepted that this is who she was. And he was always just so PROUD of her. His little River Song. Only she wasn’t little. She would never be little again. And he knew- though he usually only admitted it aloud in his dreams- that it was so much his fault. He had had Kovarian in his grasp! He had been there and could have stopped her, followed her, destroyed her, ripped the base apart piece by piece until he found his baby girl. His real baby. He truly was a StupidFace. Amy would have been a hard call- he could admit that. But after seeing how convincing the flesh was, several times, after being tricked by a wife who wasn’t really there- why hadn’t he at least suspected?! And River had even warned him!
He startled awake again, the morning of his second Father’s Day, the nightmare of the time he had so failed as a father refreshed in his memory. He was restless. He went downstairs, careful not to wake his wife. After putting on the kettle, he washed his face, then turned away from the mirror, disgusted by the man too weak to protect his only child. He grabbed one of the pictures of her from its special place and couldn’t stop the breakdown, falling on the floor and unsuccessfully trying to stop the tears.
“I’m sorry. So, so sorry. So sorry.” He kept crying, clutching the image of the girl he’d never held as he should have, attempting to offer a lost orphan a hope long dead. Praying that she had had someone who loved her as she deserved when she most needed it. The caretaker had seemed nice, if not confused. But his baby didn’t deserve that. She deserved more than nice. She deserved his arms around her, telling her how much he loved her. How beautiful she was. How amazing she would become. How everything would be alright because Daddy really would be there. But, she had never had that. He had let down one of the only two people in his life it was his duty, obligation, and privilege to protect. Or- it should have been.
He didn’t always feel this way. These feelings mostly stayed behind the doors in his mind where he kept everything else that hurt- that was too much to deal with on a daily basis. But, they did pop up at the most innocent times. Treating a child in the emergency room. Watching an action movie, where the hero swoops in and saves the day. River’s birthday. Father’s day. Christmas. Saturdays. And, when they came, they overwhelmed him and he was always sure he would suffocate from the pain and is always certain he wants to because that’s what he deserves. So, he hugs his photo tighter and continues asking forgiveness from the one child whose wounds he couldn’t heal.
“Why are you sorry?”
He should have guessed she’d get her early. He looked up, knowing it was useless to try to hide his tear- streaked face. He’d been caught.
“River…” He couldn’t even continue the thought.
“Rory, what’s wrong?!” That name cut him even more- reminding him of the relationship they now had. The only one they would ever have.
She puts down the two cups of tea she was holding and looks at him. Then she reaches down and pulls him up, taking the picture he’s still clutching as she guides him to the couch.
“What are you sorry about?” She repeats. She actually sounds genuinely confused. How does she not know? How does she not constantly blame him?! How can she stand the sight of him? He doesn’t deserve her.
“It’s all my fault!” he finally bursts, no longer able to stand her looks of worry and understanding. “I didn’t save you. I didn’t save you… I wasn’t there for you.”
“Dad-“no, that title hurt worse. He wasn’t worthy of it. “Not even the Doctor could have-“
“I’M your father. I’M the one who should’ve protected you. I’M the one who-“
“You’re the one who still came. Who fought for me, and not just to repay an old debt. Who gave me some of my first tastes of safety and love. No one could change what happened a very, very long time ago. AND IT WAS NOT YOUR, NOR MUM’S, NOR MY, NOR THE DOCTOR’S FAULT. What happened happened. But I’ve never blamed any of you.” Her firm gaze did little to console him.
“I never even got to really hold you.” He was hiccupping now, defeated and all cried out, wallowing in guilt.
River looked at the broken man before her, who she had never seen as anything but strong and amazing. She couldn’t let him see himself as weak, or horrible, or worse- blame himself for anything. She wished he could see himself as she saw him. Then, she realized, he could.
“Dad, I need you to close your eyes.” He looked up at her questioningly.
“Trust me.” She closed her eyes as well and leaned into him, until she touched him forehead to forehead. She felt his flinch at the contact, but held his face in her hands.
“Remember, I’m not fully human. My memories span clearer and longer than yours. I need you to know the first time I remember feeling safe.”
“River, I-“
“Shh…”
He was in the dark. He didn’t like the dark. He heard crying, and realized it was his own. Not his own. Melody’s. He felt what she felt. Scared. She was being moved so abruptly. She wanted the woman who smelled nice back. She wanted kisses and arms and safe and light. But, she was alone and scared and heard the Woman and she didn’t like the sound. But then she heard a voice. A single word.
“No.” She didn’t know that voice. Except that she did. Call it a memory from the womb. It was always with her when she was in the Big Milk Thing. She liked that voice. It soothed her. It comforted her. She wanted it, too.
Then, there was light, and a man in a dress stood before her. He had such a kind face. She liked him.
“Hello, little one. I’m your Daddy.” He had arms too. Arms that held her and caressed her and she didn’t even mind that he didn’t feed her. She watched him intently as he unwrapped her slowly, lovingly, counting fingers and toes, tickling her belly button and holding her head close and he came with kisses too. She leaned into him and felt unbelievably…loved. She liked Dress Man almost as much as she liked the Smell- Nice woman. She said hello and asked what he was wearing. He didn’t put her back in the dark. She felt safe in his arms. She fell asleep, knowing he would keep holding her close.
When he found the Big Milk Thing again, she felt complete, held between both of them. But, he had taken his eyes off her, so she reached for him and tried to pat his chest to get his attention again. He was crying, but she liked his crying. She wanted to introduce herself, so she waved at him. But now he was talking to the idiot in the bow tie and the chin. Ooh. She liked the idiot. She told her Dress Man so, now that his attention was back on her. She also told him the tie was ridiculous. The Chin Man told her it was cool.
They had finally listened to her and put her down to sleep, but he always kept near her- never out of her sight, so she wanted to keep talking to him. She told him all about her new crib, how it was pretty, and how she liked Mummy’s hair.
Then she felt the fear in the air. She cried because Mummy was scared. But then Daddy was putting them down safe and kissed her head and she was alright. She told Mummy she would be ok because Daddy would make it not dark again. Then she heard the noises again, the noises that could hurt him and she started crying once more.
It had been years. Years of fear and helplessness. But she had finally escaped. She was petrified, hiding behind a wall from the monsters who were always there. Then she heard his voice again, just for a second, and that spurred her into action. She ran to the freedom he inspired in her.
Death had hurt. But now she was alive again. She was a toddler. She was scared. She was alone, again. “You’re going to be alright,” she heard from the man who pulled her out of the alleyway. He held her close to him, and once again, she was safe. She didn’t really remember his face. But, she remembered her feelings. He was hers. She was his. Come for her again.
She was alone on the playground, looking for her mother. She was almost certain she was here. She was tired- so tired of running. But, she had to keep going, keep trying, until she found that peace she barely remembered. She knew it waited for her somewhere. Maybe it was here, on this playground. All she could do was reign in the fear and keep up the hope. She hadn’t eaten much in awhile. Or rested fully, always on high alert. Then a little boy approached her slowly, non-threateningly. He held out half a sandwich to her. She took it greedily. He sat next to her and ate the other half. She didn’t run, or even try to move. For the first time in years, she felt safe again. She tried very hard and very unsuccessfully no to feel at peace around him.
Tears filled Rory’s face when he finally opened his eyes, the same eyes that looked back at him from his daughter’s face.
“That was… incredible.”
“Yeah. You always have been. And Dad- that’s not where the memories end.”
“Did- that alleyway. Wasn’t that a spoiler?”
“Would you still do it if I’d never shown you?”
“I’ve never stopped looking for you.”
“Then no. It’s not a spoiler. I haven’t told you where, or when. You’ll find me. You always do.”
He looked up at her, for the first time really seeing the child he so briefly held but immediately fell head over heels in love with.
“I-“
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry again, Dad. You have always been there for me whenever I’ve needed it. I’ve never doubted it, not from the beginning. I guess you could thank Mum for that. But- don’t you ever concentrate on what you couldn’t do again. I showed you that so you would KNOW. You need to know. Thank you for being you. And for always making me safe again.”
Rory was speechless. He had blamed himself for so long, but seeing himself through River’s eyes, he couldn’t help but feel… good. And loved, even if her love was so different from a normal child’s offering. His Melody was not a normal child.
“Do you think- Would you mind it terribly if… we... hugged.”
River didn’t answer. She just leaned into him, accepting his embrace. He held her tightly to his chest, cradling her head the way he had cradled her tiny body, tears pouring down his face as he got to be “cool” once again. She let him hold her, then wished him a happy Father’s Day.
“Thank you for being my father, Rory.”
“No, Doctor Song. Thank you for letting me be one.”