The Matchmaker, by Roxie (PG)
Rec Category: Humor
Pairing: none, at least not really
Category: humor, gen, team, Daniel Jackson, Janet Fraiser, Samantha Carter
Warning: minor Danny whumping
Author on LJ: unknown
Author's Website: Other Places: Mulitfandom
Link: The Matchmaker
Why This Must Be Read: "I want a geek."
Any fic that includes that wistful quote, spoken by a native girl from another planet, has got to be worth reading!
SG-1 gates to the "Matchmaker Planet" and are instantly accosted by eager women, hoping they've come to find wives. O'Neill uses an adroit Jackism to evade the question for himself and Sam, although Carter will probably be looking daggers at him for a while; but when Daniel isn't quite as fast off the mark, the enthusiastic girls drag him off to meet with Ranata the Matchmaker, leader of the people.
Daniel does, eventually, manage to explain that after being recently widowed, he really isn't interested in another mate at the moment. But while Ranata is convinced to change the topic of discussion to naquadah deposits, her helpers decide that if Daniel isn't interested in the women of PC3-279, the least they can do for him is help him find a proper match back on his home planet. Their amateur meddling doesn't work out exactly as they'd intended, though - in the classic phrase, wacky hijinks ensue.
With every estrogen-producing female in the SGC trying to get to Daniel, it's up to Jack and Teal'c to protect him. But even if he's hidden away in a locked room and guarded by SFs, is Daniel really safe from the determined efforts of Janet and Sam?
The final solution proves, while benign, to be nearly as embarrassing to Daniel as the problem itself. By the end of the story, things are more or less back to normal... Even if Daniel, in the absolutely perfect epilogue, doesn't quite realize it yet. And really, who can blame old Mrs. Lancaster for trying? :)
Daniel climbed up on the nearest bed and tossed the shirt in his hand to the foot. "Have you noticed anything weird since we got back from the planet?"
"Like what?"
"Odd behavior?" Daniel asked with an evocatively raised brow.
"Just yours," Jack replied flippantly.
"Jack, I’m serious."
"What happened?" Jack frowned as he tilted Daniel’s face up to examine the split lip.
"You know that new technical advisor? Anna Gordon?"
"The skinny one, right?"
Daniel nodded. "She kissed me in the elevator."
Jack blinked in astonishment. "For real? She must be like… sixty."
With an embarrassed sigh Daniel nodded again.
"And then what happened?" Jack prompted impatiently.
"Well, one minute I was introducing myself and the next she was checking my adenoids with her tongue."
"Well, if all that mouth breathing is any indication your adenoids are probably huge," Jack goaded.
"Jack!" Daniel squawked in exasperation. "Then she bit my lip!"
"Ouch. Why?"
"I don’t know, but even before that…"
"Doctor Jackson, I need to take your blood pressure," Captain Hess announced as she rolled the Dinamap next to the bed and unwound the BP cuff.
"Daniel, I’ve got to get up there," Jack said as he glanced at his watch. "As soon as you’re done here come to the briefing room. I want to hear all about it," he added earnestly.
"Don’t leave," Daniel blurted out as he eyed the nurse nervously.
Jack laughed. "I think you’re in good hands, Daniel," he assured and turned to go.
Captain Hess smiled at the Colonel’s back as she wrapped the cuff snugly around Daniel’s upper arm smoothing it with her fingertips before hitting the button. "Are you okay, Doctor Jackson?" she asked. "You seem a little off."
"I do?" Daniel asked in mild surprise. The machine hummed as the cuff began to tighten.
"Yes," the captain answered sincerely. "It’s almost like… like… um… mmmm, Daniel," she purred.
"Oh, God, not again," Daniel exclaimed. "Doctor Fraiser!"
The captain hiked her skirt up and clamored up on the bed to straddle Daniel’s lap. As she reached for his face he quickly grasped both of her wrists as he leaned his head and shoulders back and away from her. Fully inflated, the blood pressure cuff popped off of his arm with the sudden flexion of his bicep.
"Hess! Get off him right this minute! Guard!" Janet yelled. A burly SF rushed into the room. "Get her off him," Fraiser instructed harshly.
The guard grabbed the nurse around the waist and as he pulled her back Daniel released her arms and rolled off the bed and away from Janet. Unfortunately he bumped his head on the corner of the blood pressure machine on the way down. "Ow."
"Doctor Jackson?" Janet asked as she moved forward to help him.
"Stop! Don’t come any closer!" Daniel shouted as he rapidly scooted backwards on his butt until he was trapped between two beds by the wall.
"Daniel, you’re bleeding," Janet argued.
"Please," Daniel pleaded. "I need to talk to you and I need to do it before you get any closer."
"Doctor?" the guard called out as the woman in his arms stopped struggling and pulled her skirt back down to her knees, her mortification written clearly on her face.
"In a minute," the doctor snapped. "Daniel, what’s going on?"
Daniel pressed a hand to his forehead to stem the flow of blood. "That’s the third person… make that woman… female… whatever, who has attacked me since we got back from the matchmaker’s planet. That’s every female I’ve come into physical contact with, Janet. And, well you are a woman…" he trailed off.
Pairing: none, at least not really
Category: humor, gen, team, Daniel Jackson, Janet Fraiser, Samantha Carter
Warning: minor Danny whumping
Author on LJ: unknown
Author's Website: Other Places: Mulitfandom
Link: The Matchmaker
Why This Must Be Read: "I want a geek."
Any fic that includes that wistful quote, spoken by a native girl from another planet, has got to be worth reading!
SG-1 gates to the "Matchmaker Planet" and are instantly accosted by eager women, hoping they've come to find wives. O'Neill uses an adroit Jackism to evade the question for himself and Sam, although Carter will probably be looking daggers at him for a while; but when Daniel isn't quite as fast off the mark, the enthusiastic girls drag him off to meet with Ranata the Matchmaker, leader of the people.
Daniel does, eventually, manage to explain that after being recently widowed, he really isn't interested in another mate at the moment. But while Ranata is convinced to change the topic of discussion to naquadah deposits, her helpers decide that if Daniel isn't interested in the women of PC3-279, the least they can do for him is help him find a proper match back on his home planet. Their amateur meddling doesn't work out exactly as they'd intended, though - in the classic phrase, wacky hijinks ensue.
With every estrogen-producing female in the SGC trying to get to Daniel, it's up to Jack and Teal'c to protect him. But even if he's hidden away in a locked room and guarded by SFs, is Daniel really safe from the determined efforts of Janet and Sam?
The final solution proves, while benign, to be nearly as embarrassing to Daniel as the problem itself. By the end of the story, things are more or less back to normal... Even if Daniel, in the absolutely perfect epilogue, doesn't quite realize it yet. And really, who can blame old Mrs. Lancaster for trying? :)
Daniel climbed up on the nearest bed and tossed the shirt in his hand to the foot. "Have you noticed anything weird since we got back from the planet?"
"Like what?"
"Odd behavior?" Daniel asked with an evocatively raised brow.
"Just yours," Jack replied flippantly.
"Jack, I’m serious."
"What happened?" Jack frowned as he tilted Daniel’s face up to examine the split lip.
"You know that new technical advisor? Anna Gordon?"
"The skinny one, right?"
Daniel nodded. "She kissed me in the elevator."
Jack blinked in astonishment. "For real? She must be like… sixty."
With an embarrassed sigh Daniel nodded again.
"And then what happened?" Jack prompted impatiently.
"Well, one minute I was introducing myself and the next she was checking my adenoids with her tongue."
"Well, if all that mouth breathing is any indication your adenoids are probably huge," Jack goaded.
"Jack!" Daniel squawked in exasperation. "Then she bit my lip!"
"Ouch. Why?"
"I don’t know, but even before that…"
"Doctor Jackson, I need to take your blood pressure," Captain Hess announced as she rolled the Dinamap next to the bed and unwound the BP cuff.
"Daniel, I’ve got to get up there," Jack said as he glanced at his watch. "As soon as you’re done here come to the briefing room. I want to hear all about it," he added earnestly.
"Don’t leave," Daniel blurted out as he eyed the nurse nervously.
Jack laughed. "I think you’re in good hands, Daniel," he assured and turned to go.
Captain Hess smiled at the Colonel’s back as she wrapped the cuff snugly around Daniel’s upper arm smoothing it with her fingertips before hitting the button. "Are you okay, Doctor Jackson?" she asked. "You seem a little off."
"I do?" Daniel asked in mild surprise. The machine hummed as the cuff began to tighten.
"Yes," the captain answered sincerely. "It’s almost like… like… um… mmmm, Daniel," she purred.
"Oh, God, not again," Daniel exclaimed. "Doctor Fraiser!"
The captain hiked her skirt up and clamored up on the bed to straddle Daniel’s lap. As she reached for his face he quickly grasped both of her wrists as he leaned his head and shoulders back and away from her. Fully inflated, the blood pressure cuff popped off of his arm with the sudden flexion of his bicep.
"Hess! Get off him right this minute! Guard!" Janet yelled. A burly SF rushed into the room. "Get her off him," Fraiser instructed harshly.
The guard grabbed the nurse around the waist and as he pulled her back Daniel released her arms and rolled off the bed and away from Janet. Unfortunately he bumped his head on the corner of the blood pressure machine on the way down. "Ow."
"Doctor Jackson?" Janet asked as she moved forward to help him.
"Stop! Don’t come any closer!" Daniel shouted as he rapidly scooted backwards on his butt until he was trapped between two beds by the wall.
"Daniel, you’re bleeding," Janet argued.
"Please," Daniel pleaded. "I need to talk to you and I need to do it before you get any closer."
"Doctor?" the guard called out as the woman in his arms stopped struggling and pulled her skirt back down to her knees, her mortification written clearly on her face.
"In a minute," the doctor snapped. "Daniel, what’s going on?"
Daniel pressed a hand to his forehead to stem the flow of blood. "That’s the third person… make that woman… female… whatever, who has attacked me since we got back from the matchmaker’s planet. That’s every female I’ve come into physical contact with, Janet. And, well you are a woman…" he trailed off.