Be the Light in My Lantern, chapter 10
BE THE LIGHT IN MY LANTERN
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)
Chapter 10: Everything for the First Time
Will you kiss me again so I can pretend
We're kissing for the first time?
Because when we kissed for the first time
I was distracted
I couldn't believe it was true
That I was truly, really, finally kissing you
- Of Montreal, Let's Do Everything for the First Time Forever
Tonks looked lovely. Even lovelier than usual.
They'd agreed to meet in Muggle London, after Remus had haltingly explained that it was sometimes hard to know whether he would be welcome in wizarding establishments, and that Muggle London was simply easier much of the time. "I don't mind," Tonks had said. "We can be Muggles for a night. We'll dress up!"
He hadn't quite realised she'd also meant, well, dress up. She was wearing not just Muggle clothes, but nice ones - a dress, a stylish coat, earrings. Long, flowing hair in an entirely normal shade of chestnut. Remus didn't know anything about fashion, and certainly not Muggle fashion, but he knew she looked nice. She also looked endearingly self-conscious about it.
"Before you say anything at all," Tonks warned, "I can't walk properly in these shoes, and I'm going to be tripping and falling all night. By the end of this, you're going to wish I'd go back to being a clumsy but practically clothed witch instead of an impractically dressed Muggle."
"You make a lovely Muggle," he replied, and she actually blushed.
Remus stepped closer and took her arm in his. What a very odd feeling, to be on a date. He hadn't done this in - well, he didn't even really want to think how long.
Tonks laughed and skipped the first few steps as they set off, and her light-heartedness made it easier. "So, where are we going?" he asked.
"It's a surprise," she chirped.
So Remus simply followed. Brain, turn off, he instructed. Please, for this one evening.
Tonks led him first along Regent's Canal, then down a small side street. "I thought we could go here," she said.
Remus read the sign over the door, "The Magic Hat," and looked to Tonks for an explanation.
"They're not actually magic," she said. "They wouldn't know magic if it came up and bit them. We're the only ones who'll get the joke."
"A lovely choice," he agreed and held the door open for her.
Inside, the place was cosy but simple, almost more of a pub than a restaurant, and Remus sent Tonks a silent thank-you for her choice. She'd probably sensed that he'd feel more at home in a place like this, whereas some fancy fine dining place would have made him jittery, not so much at the prices as the implications.
They selected a booth and sat down on opposite sides of the table. Made small talk. Ordered food and a bottle of wine. Talking to Tonks was so easy, Remus almost forgot to be anxious about it.
"What'd you do before the Order?" she asked, just as their meals arrived. "I mean, directly before?"
He considered the question, then chuckled wryly at himself.
"What's the joke?"
"Before I joined the Order of the Phoenix," he told her, "I was a student at Hogwarts."
"No-o, I meant the Order this time."
"I know what you meant."
She pointed her fork at him. "Explain. You're being deliberately obscure, aren't you?"
"I often think pupil of Hogwarts and member of the Order are the only two jobs I've ever properly held. And they're not even really jobs."
"Remus. Stop being self-effacing and tell me what you actually did for the last couple decades of your life."
"Decades?" he groaned. "Dora, how old, precisely, do you think I am?"
"Oh, sorry, I mean, let's see, the 17 and a half years since you finished Hogwarts?" She batted her eyelashes innocently at him.
"Must you insist on making me feel ancient?"
"You know, you're not going to stop feeling ancient until you stop making such a big deal of it. You want ancient, that's Dumbledore. The man is seriously ancient." She set down her knife and reached over to touch his arm. "You're older than me, okay, I get it. But I've got over it, too. So it doesn't have to matter unless you want it to."
Remus wasn't sure what to say to that, but was saved from having to find a reaction when Tonks dove right back into the previous topic. "So what kind of things have you done? Were you working somewhere else, before Dumbledore called the Order back together this time?"
Remus made a face. "Yeah, I was working in a Muggle library."
"Sounds nice enough."
"I was mostly shelving books. Hadn't even quite worked my way up to the point where I was allowed to check them in and out. Before that, I had work at a Muggle school for a bit, but they found out I didn't have the proper credentials. Basically, you name something a failed academic might do and I've done it. Working in bookshops, copyediting. I even ghostwrote a book once, which was rather diverting. But I've also done my share of waiting tables and grooming post owls."
She contemplated him across the table. "A lot of Muggle jobs, then? That's pretty unusual."
"Muggle employers aren't particularly keen either about how often I'm off sick, but at least they don't tend to pick up on the correlation between the frequency of my sick leave and the timing of the full moon. At this point, if I do apply for a job among wizards, I tell them the truth upfront. Saves me the nastiness that inevitably comes later on."
The intensity of Tonks' gaze was starting to make him uncomfortable. "What is it?" he asked.
"You're really…" She twirled her fork absently as she searched for a fitting word. "You're tough, you know?"
Remus blinked at her. "That's not a word people have generally used to describe me."
She continued the thought. "You've clearly been through a whole lot, for a whole bunch of reasons, but here you are, being the strong shoulder the whole Order relies on. You do know that, don't you? How everyone looks up to you and trusts you? And I know, I know, we must be crazy, right, to trust a werewolf? So it says something about you that we do." She leaned towards him, her gaze piercing. "Do you realise that?"
"No…" His mouth felt dry. "I don't think that I do."
"You should try and start. You're not doing anybody any favours by acting like nobody needs you."
"I -" Remus ran a hand through his hair, baffled. "I'm not sure what to say."
She smiled at him gently. "Also, Remus? You're not a failed academic. I've seen the kinds of tasks Dumbledore sets you, the things he asks you to look up or find or write about for him. You'd have to be pretty much a genius to understand what he's even talking about. I certainly don't."
Remus couldn't think what to say to that either, but already Tonks was leaning back, giving an embarrassed laugh and saying, "Er, yeah, end of lecture. Sorry. Oh, I should just stop talking. Are you done? Should we go for a walk?"
"Sure," Remus managed. Tonks unearthed a small purse from somewhere in her coat - Remus wondered if there had been a slight bit of magical concealment after all, despite her declaration that they would go completely Muggle tonight - and he reached for his wallet as well.
Tonks put a hand out to stop him. "This one's on me."
Remus looked up at her, startled. "No, I can't possibly accept that."
"Why?" she challenged, clearly ready to fight him over it. "Because I'm a woman? Because I'm younger than you?"
"No," he struggled. "Just because…I can't accept that."
"Well, what did you expect? When I said I wanted to take you out to dinner, that's what that means."
"I can't let you do that."
"Look," she said, "You can just pay next time, all right?"
And she'd already summoned the waiter and handed him some Muggle notes before Remus had fully absorbed the implications of what she'd just said.
The night was chilly, but not unbearably so. They turned back towards the canal and Tonks slipped her arm through Remus' again. Despite Tonks' claim that she would stumble in the shoes she was wearing, Remus found she looked unusually graceful tonight, as well appearing older in her Muggle-style dress than she did in her usual T-shirts.
"I feel like I should ask getting-to-know-you questions," Tonks mused as they strolled. "But I know you already. Or, well, do I?"
"Er, what does that mean?"
"Just that you keep things pretty close to your chest, don't you? I wonder if anybody could say they really know you. I'm looking forward to - I mean, if you want - No, no, never mind, I'm being silly again. Forget it, I'll try to ask normal questions. Um, what's your favourite colour?"
"My favourite colour?"
"Yeah. Do you have a favourite?"
"Green, I suppose."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Why?"
"It just doesn't seem like… Well, I've never seen you wear anything green, for starters."
He laughed. "I didn't realise there was a rule that one's favourite colour must be worn."
"But why green?"
"I suppose it makes me think of springtime, of nature. Fresh starts and new things. And you?"
"Pink, obviously. And purple. Red, sometimes. Well, anything warm and bright. Though not orange, so much…"
They had turned onto the cobblestone way that sloped up to a small footbridge by the lock, passing under the bare, draping branches of a willow tree. Tonks stopped at the middle of the bridge and slipped her arm free of Remus' so she could wriggle her way into a sitting position on the handrail that ran along the bridge.
"Oh, Dora, don't."
"Don't worry, I won't fall," she said. "Here, hold me steady." She reached out and pulled Remus a little closer, so she could rest her hands on his shoulders. "See, no harm done." She smiled.
Remus took a deep breath, then leaned in and kissed her.
How strange. How very, very strange and wonderful.
He cupped one hand against her cheek and pulled back enough so he could look at her. That smile of hers.
"You have no idea -" he began, then broke off. "I can't tell you how long - you can't imagine -"
"Me too, Remus," she whispered. "Since I first met you, I think."
He shook his head, smiling. "That can't possibly be true. I'm certain that the first time you met me, you thought I was some old fuddy-duddy of Moody's."
"Not true at all, but okay, then - since I second met you." She pulled him towards her and kissed him again.
Remus wrapped his arms around Tonks and marvelled at her energy, how alive she was, how absolutely present in this moment. When he pulled back again, he found himself amazed all over again by the sight of her gaze on him, almost shy, but so open and sweet, full of the expectation of good things.
"I think you must be too good to be true," he told her, the words tumbling out unchecked.
Tonks grinned. "Does that mean I get a second date?"
Remus shouldn't have had to hesitate, but he did, just for a moment. This really was stepping over the brink. "Yes," he said.
"Good, because I actually…have to get home pretty soon. I'm sorry. I work tomorrow."
"Let me see you to your door, then, this time." Remus raised one hand to stave off her protests, though he kept the other securely round her waist, since she was still perched on the handrail. "I know, I know, you're more than a match for any dangers the night might throw across your path. But humour me, would you?"
"Okay." Tonks hopped down off the railing and offered him her arm. "Side-Along me there."
"Why…?"
"I want to be sure you remember how to get to my flat," she tossed back with a cheeky smile.
So Remus took her arm and concentrated on the one time he'd been to her building, hoping the recollection would be clear enough, despite his emotional distraction the last time he'd seen Tonks home.
With a pop, they were there, in the alley by her block of flats. "Well done," Tonks smiled, then led him by the hand to her front door. "So," she said.
"So," Remus agreed. The last time he'd been here, he'd been fighting so hard not to let this happen, precisely this. And now he had let it happen after all - what had changed? And was it, truly, the right decision?
Tonks rested one hand against Remus' chest and looked up at him. "I just wanted to say," she started, her voice gone earnest, "it seems like you can't quite figure out if this can work, if it's real, if we can really dare to be serious about it. So I'm going to go right ahead and tell you: Yeah, it is. From my side, at least, yes, I am."
She kissed him one more time, just a light brush of her smiling lips against his, then turned to unlock the building door. "Good night, Remus."
"Good night, Dora. See you soon."
"Definitely."
With one more flash of a grin and a quick wave, Tonks disappeared through the door and up the stairs.
- - - - -
(continue to CHAPTER ELEVEN)
Summary: In which Remus and Tonks fight battles, arrest criminals, befriend werewolves, overcome inner demons and, despite it all, find themselves a happy ending. A love story, and a story of the Order years. (At long last, my Remus/Tonks epic, which has been years in the making!)
Chapter 10: Everything for the First Time
Will you kiss me again so I can pretend
We're kissing for the first time?
Because when we kissed for the first time
I was distracted
I couldn't believe it was true
That I was truly, really, finally kissing you
- Of Montreal, Let's Do Everything for the First Time Forever
Tonks looked lovely. Even lovelier than usual.
They'd agreed to meet in Muggle London, after Remus had haltingly explained that it was sometimes hard to know whether he would be welcome in wizarding establishments, and that Muggle London was simply easier much of the time. "I don't mind," Tonks had said. "We can be Muggles for a night. We'll dress up!"
He hadn't quite realised she'd also meant, well, dress up. She was wearing not just Muggle clothes, but nice ones - a dress, a stylish coat, earrings. Long, flowing hair in an entirely normal shade of chestnut. Remus didn't know anything about fashion, and certainly not Muggle fashion, but he knew she looked nice. She also looked endearingly self-conscious about it.
"Before you say anything at all," Tonks warned, "I can't walk properly in these shoes, and I'm going to be tripping and falling all night. By the end of this, you're going to wish I'd go back to being a clumsy but practically clothed witch instead of an impractically dressed Muggle."
"You make a lovely Muggle," he replied, and she actually blushed.
Remus stepped closer and took her arm in his. What a very odd feeling, to be on a date. He hadn't done this in - well, he didn't even really want to think how long.
Tonks laughed and skipped the first few steps as they set off, and her light-heartedness made it easier. "So, where are we going?" he asked.
"It's a surprise," she chirped.
So Remus simply followed. Brain, turn off, he instructed. Please, for this one evening.
Tonks led him first along Regent's Canal, then down a small side street. "I thought we could go here," she said.
Remus read the sign over the door, "The Magic Hat," and looked to Tonks for an explanation.
"They're not actually magic," she said. "They wouldn't know magic if it came up and bit them. We're the only ones who'll get the joke."
"A lovely choice," he agreed and held the door open for her.
Inside, the place was cosy but simple, almost more of a pub than a restaurant, and Remus sent Tonks a silent thank-you for her choice. She'd probably sensed that he'd feel more at home in a place like this, whereas some fancy fine dining place would have made him jittery, not so much at the prices as the implications.
They selected a booth and sat down on opposite sides of the table. Made small talk. Ordered food and a bottle of wine. Talking to Tonks was so easy, Remus almost forgot to be anxious about it.
"What'd you do before the Order?" she asked, just as their meals arrived. "I mean, directly before?"
He considered the question, then chuckled wryly at himself.
"What's the joke?"
"Before I joined the Order of the Phoenix," he told her, "I was a student at Hogwarts."
"No-o, I meant the Order this time."
"I know what you meant."
She pointed her fork at him. "Explain. You're being deliberately obscure, aren't you?"
"I often think pupil of Hogwarts and member of the Order are the only two jobs I've ever properly held. And they're not even really jobs."
"Remus. Stop being self-effacing and tell me what you actually did for the last couple decades of your life."
"Decades?" he groaned. "Dora, how old, precisely, do you think I am?"
"Oh, sorry, I mean, let's see, the 17 and a half years since you finished Hogwarts?" She batted her eyelashes innocently at him.
"Must you insist on making me feel ancient?"
"You know, you're not going to stop feeling ancient until you stop making such a big deal of it. You want ancient, that's Dumbledore. The man is seriously ancient." She set down her knife and reached over to touch his arm. "You're older than me, okay, I get it. But I've got over it, too. So it doesn't have to matter unless you want it to."
Remus wasn't sure what to say to that, but was saved from having to find a reaction when Tonks dove right back into the previous topic. "So what kind of things have you done? Were you working somewhere else, before Dumbledore called the Order back together this time?"
Remus made a face. "Yeah, I was working in a Muggle library."
"Sounds nice enough."
"I was mostly shelving books. Hadn't even quite worked my way up to the point where I was allowed to check them in and out. Before that, I had work at a Muggle school for a bit, but they found out I didn't have the proper credentials. Basically, you name something a failed academic might do and I've done it. Working in bookshops, copyediting. I even ghostwrote a book once, which was rather diverting. But I've also done my share of waiting tables and grooming post owls."
She contemplated him across the table. "A lot of Muggle jobs, then? That's pretty unusual."
"Muggle employers aren't particularly keen either about how often I'm off sick, but at least they don't tend to pick up on the correlation between the frequency of my sick leave and the timing of the full moon. At this point, if I do apply for a job among wizards, I tell them the truth upfront. Saves me the nastiness that inevitably comes later on."
The intensity of Tonks' gaze was starting to make him uncomfortable. "What is it?" he asked.
"You're really…" She twirled her fork absently as she searched for a fitting word. "You're tough, you know?"
Remus blinked at her. "That's not a word people have generally used to describe me."
She continued the thought. "You've clearly been through a whole lot, for a whole bunch of reasons, but here you are, being the strong shoulder the whole Order relies on. You do know that, don't you? How everyone looks up to you and trusts you? And I know, I know, we must be crazy, right, to trust a werewolf? So it says something about you that we do." She leaned towards him, her gaze piercing. "Do you realise that?"
"No…" His mouth felt dry. "I don't think that I do."
"You should try and start. You're not doing anybody any favours by acting like nobody needs you."
"I -" Remus ran a hand through his hair, baffled. "I'm not sure what to say."
She smiled at him gently. "Also, Remus? You're not a failed academic. I've seen the kinds of tasks Dumbledore sets you, the things he asks you to look up or find or write about for him. You'd have to be pretty much a genius to understand what he's even talking about. I certainly don't."
Remus couldn't think what to say to that either, but already Tonks was leaning back, giving an embarrassed laugh and saying, "Er, yeah, end of lecture. Sorry. Oh, I should just stop talking. Are you done? Should we go for a walk?"
"Sure," Remus managed. Tonks unearthed a small purse from somewhere in her coat - Remus wondered if there had been a slight bit of magical concealment after all, despite her declaration that they would go completely Muggle tonight - and he reached for his wallet as well.
Tonks put a hand out to stop him. "This one's on me."
Remus looked up at her, startled. "No, I can't possibly accept that."
"Why?" she challenged, clearly ready to fight him over it. "Because I'm a woman? Because I'm younger than you?"
"No," he struggled. "Just because…I can't accept that."
"Well, what did you expect? When I said I wanted to take you out to dinner, that's what that means."
"I can't let you do that."
"Look," she said, "You can just pay next time, all right?"
And she'd already summoned the waiter and handed him some Muggle notes before Remus had fully absorbed the implications of what she'd just said.
The night was chilly, but not unbearably so. They turned back towards the canal and Tonks slipped her arm through Remus' again. Despite Tonks' claim that she would stumble in the shoes she was wearing, Remus found she looked unusually graceful tonight, as well appearing older in her Muggle-style dress than she did in her usual T-shirts.
"I feel like I should ask getting-to-know-you questions," Tonks mused as they strolled. "But I know you already. Or, well, do I?"
"Er, what does that mean?"
"Just that you keep things pretty close to your chest, don't you? I wonder if anybody could say they really know you. I'm looking forward to - I mean, if you want - No, no, never mind, I'm being silly again. Forget it, I'll try to ask normal questions. Um, what's your favourite colour?"
"My favourite colour?"
"Yeah. Do you have a favourite?"
"Green, I suppose."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Why?"
"It just doesn't seem like… Well, I've never seen you wear anything green, for starters."
He laughed. "I didn't realise there was a rule that one's favourite colour must be worn."
"But why green?"
"I suppose it makes me think of springtime, of nature. Fresh starts and new things. And you?"
"Pink, obviously. And purple. Red, sometimes. Well, anything warm and bright. Though not orange, so much…"
They had turned onto the cobblestone way that sloped up to a small footbridge by the lock, passing under the bare, draping branches of a willow tree. Tonks stopped at the middle of the bridge and slipped her arm free of Remus' so she could wriggle her way into a sitting position on the handrail that ran along the bridge.
"Oh, Dora, don't."
"Don't worry, I won't fall," she said. "Here, hold me steady." She reached out and pulled Remus a little closer, so she could rest her hands on his shoulders. "See, no harm done." She smiled.
Remus took a deep breath, then leaned in and kissed her.
How strange. How very, very strange and wonderful.
He cupped one hand against her cheek and pulled back enough so he could look at her. That smile of hers.
"You have no idea -" he began, then broke off. "I can't tell you how long - you can't imagine -"
"Me too, Remus," she whispered. "Since I first met you, I think."
He shook his head, smiling. "That can't possibly be true. I'm certain that the first time you met me, you thought I was some old fuddy-duddy of Moody's."
"Not true at all, but okay, then - since I second met you." She pulled him towards her and kissed him again.
Remus wrapped his arms around Tonks and marvelled at her energy, how alive she was, how absolutely present in this moment. When he pulled back again, he found himself amazed all over again by the sight of her gaze on him, almost shy, but so open and sweet, full of the expectation of good things.
"I think you must be too good to be true," he told her, the words tumbling out unchecked.
Tonks grinned. "Does that mean I get a second date?"
Remus shouldn't have had to hesitate, but he did, just for a moment. This really was stepping over the brink. "Yes," he said.
"Good, because I actually…have to get home pretty soon. I'm sorry. I work tomorrow."
"Let me see you to your door, then, this time." Remus raised one hand to stave off her protests, though he kept the other securely round her waist, since she was still perched on the handrail. "I know, I know, you're more than a match for any dangers the night might throw across your path. But humour me, would you?"
"Okay." Tonks hopped down off the railing and offered him her arm. "Side-Along me there."
"Why…?"
"I want to be sure you remember how to get to my flat," she tossed back with a cheeky smile.
So Remus took her arm and concentrated on the one time he'd been to her building, hoping the recollection would be clear enough, despite his emotional distraction the last time he'd seen Tonks home.
With a pop, they were there, in the alley by her block of flats. "Well done," Tonks smiled, then led him by the hand to her front door. "So," she said.
"So," Remus agreed. The last time he'd been here, he'd been fighting so hard not to let this happen, precisely this. And now he had let it happen after all - what had changed? And was it, truly, the right decision?
Tonks rested one hand against Remus' chest and looked up at him. "I just wanted to say," she started, her voice gone earnest, "it seems like you can't quite figure out if this can work, if it's real, if we can really dare to be serious about it. So I'm going to go right ahead and tell you: Yeah, it is. From my side, at least, yes, I am."
She kissed him one more time, just a light brush of her smiling lips against his, then turned to unlock the building door. "Good night, Remus."
"Good night, Dora. See you soon."
"Definitely."
With one more flash of a grin and a quick wave, Tonks disappeared through the door and up the stairs.
- - - - -
(continue to CHAPTER ELEVEN)