[fic]
title: Blurring the Lines
rating: PG-13 I guess
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae
summary: Love blurred the lines between right and wrong, and Hyukjae doesn't know what's real anymore.
notes: written for 1sentence to the epsilon themeset. I've never done anything like this before, I hope it isn't too confusing.
warnings: deals a little with religion.
Motion
The way he moves is so fluid, so graceful, so effortless, and Hyukjae wonders if everything Donghae does looks that good.
Cool
Even days after, Hyukjae can still feel the press of cool fingers against his skin, and he shivers.
Young
When Donghae smiled like that he looked like the happiest little boy in the world, and Hyukjae wished he could have that smile all to himself.
Last
“Last one there’s a flesh-eating zombie!” Donghae shouts and laughs as he sprints ahead before Hyukjae can even get moving, shaking his head and muttering, “zombie?” as he starts to chase after his friend, laughing.
Wrong
All his life Hyukjae had read and been told that things like this were wrong, weren’t tolerated, that they went against God; boys were not supposed to fall in love with boys, and that was the way things were.
Gentle
But at Donghae’s soft touch and warm smile, how could Hyukjae do anything but fall in love with him?
One
“If it’s just the once,” Hyukjae asked himself in the darkness of his bedroom, “just the one, then isn’t it okay?”
Thousand
“It isn’t as if I like more, or want more - I’m not in love with every other guy out there,” Hyukjae tried to reason to himself; only the silence of the night was there to hear him, and he received no answer.
King
If Hyukjae was a king, he decided, he wouldn’t have a princess to take as his wife, not when there was a prince like Donghae in his kingdom.
Learn
Perhaps he could learn to live with it, deal with it; perhaps this one mistake hadn’t let him stray too far from the path he wished to walk.
Blur
Tears blurred your vision, made it difficult to define things and see what was really there, and love, Hyukjae discovered, had a similar effect, blurring believes and faith and right and wrong until he couldn’t distinguish between any of them anymore.
Wait
“Not yet,” he’d whispered to Donghae, “not yet, we have to … we have to wait,” because Hyukjae wasn’t ready yet, and waiting was the only thing he could do.
Change
Something like this, something as big, as wrong, as against the laws of God as this, was sure to make everything change - Hyukjae didn’t know if it was a change to welcome, or a change to flee from.
Command
“Thou shalt not” most of them started in a similar way, telling him not to, telling him it was wrong, telling him to forget what it was he felt and move on - but doing that was like trying to command his blood to flow in the other direction, and Hyukjae just didn’t have that power.
Hold
When he sees Donghae’s tears, all Hyukjae wants to do is enfold him in his arms and hold him close; it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he’s the very cause of those tears.
Need
“Hyukjae, you don’t understand,” Donghae’s words come out in a warm rush of air against the side of his neck, and Hyukjae has to stop himself from trembling at the shiver this gives him; “I need you.”
Vision
All Hyukjae sees at night as he stares wide-eyed at his dark ceiling is Donghae’s face, that familiar smile of his slowly fading away into darkness and Hyukjae has to stifle his guilty tears, he doesn’t want to wake his roommate up.
Attention
Donghae didn’t realise it, but Hyukjae always paid careful attention to every detail of his friend, from the way that his eyes would no longer turn up with the rest of his smile to how his voice had this almost monotone ring to it lately; and Donghae also didn’t realise how seeing all of this made Hyukjae worry.
Picture
A picture was supposed to paint a thousand words, but Hyukjae only wanted one, and he couldn’t find it.
Fool
Hyukjae wondered if telling Donghae “no” was the most foolish thing he had ever done; Heechul definitely seemed to think so, as he bitterly spat the word out to him one morning.
Mad
It wasn’t often Hyukjae ever saw Donghae mad, but that evening, that one particular evening, he had seen his friend even more than mad at him, and knowing that he had done it made Hyukjae ache with guilt.
Child
“You are such a child,” Donghae spat at him, practically seething, “trying to run and hide from the truth like this - it isn’t a game, Hyukjae, this is real, just like my feelings for you, why don’t you just grow up and admit the truth to yourself?”
Now
Hyukjae had had no words for Donghae then, but he could think of a couple now: “I’m sorry.”
Shadow
Something had happened to Donghae, some kind of shade had come down and covered the brightness in his eyes, some kind of shadow had settled over his once warm smile and seeing this made Hyukjae shiver and wonder just what he’d done to his friend.
Hide
“Don’t hide your feelings,” was the advice Sungmin gave him one day; Hyukjae hadn’t asked for it, hadn’t even told Sungmin what was going on, but his friend seemed able to interpret his behaviour lately, and only smiled softly at Hyukjae as he continued, “everything’s a lot easier once you accept them.”
Hunger
Where had it come from, this sudden, insatiable hunger Hyukjae had for something that he wasn’t supposed to have or even want; where had this desire for Donghae come from?
Fortune
Why had this happened to him, why was he fated to stumble and fall and be turned away, when all he had ever done was try to do everything right as it should be; why did he have to fall in love?
Safe
Nowhere had Hyukjae ever felt himself so secure and protected as he felt when Donghae held him tightly in his arms; not even the embrace of his faith had ever made him feel as safe as Donghae did.
Ghost
Often, lately, Hyukjae’s dreams were haunted by the ghost of Donghae’s words, “why can’t you just accept it like I have - I love you, Hyukjae.”
Book
He tried to read it the other day, he tried to put everything else, everything wrong, out of his mind and settle into what used to be a safe haven for him; but as Hyukjae had stared down at the familiar words, he had come to the realisation that even his Bible could no longer provide him with what he was looking for - he was lost.
Eye
A sudden revulsion, a wave of absolute guilt filled Hyukjae, and he was sure the eye of Judgement was upon him, weighing him up and preparing to cast him away into the flames of Hell; that was when he woke up, in the middle of the night, sweating and shivering, with the incredible urge to vomit.
Never
“When, Hyuk, when,” Donghae whispered, clutching at Hyukjae’s arms as he stared up into his face, voice almost pleading, and the only answer Hyukjae could give him was “never,” when really all he wanted to say was, “now, right now.”
Sing
Hyukjae finds himself thinking one day as he hears Donghae singing that he has the voice of an angel; the comparison strikes him as funny and he can’t help but laugh; he’s fallen in love with an angel.
Sudden
There are lips, suddenly and without warning, pressing demandingly against his own.
Stop
“Donghae,” Hyukjae gasps, forcefully pushing the younger boy away, “Donghae stop.”
Time
Time, so they say, is supposed to heal all wounds; Hyukjae wonders how much time it will take to heal the wounds he’s inflicted upon Donghae.
Wash
‘Unclean’ is the word that comes to mind, ‘dirty’, ‘impure’; the taste of Donghae lingers in his mouth, the feel of Donghae’s fingers lingers on his skin, and Hyukjae thinks he can almost see the dirty impressions they leave on him; the water can’t be hot enough as he tries to wash the evidence of sin away, but water can’t purge the feelings he holds inside.
Torn
Hyukjae has never felt so torn and mixed up and confused in his life, he always knew exactly what he was aiming for and what he wanted, success, and of course eventually that perfect wife and their perfect 2.4 children, but he can’t stop thinking about Donghae’s smile and Donghae’s touches and Donghae’s lips pressed against his own, and suddenly Hyukjae doesn’t know what he wants anymore, torn between what he wants, and what he thinks he wants.
History
When he can’t sleep at night, Hyukjae remembers times he and Donghae have spent together, the things they’d done, the fun things, the stupid things, the tiring things, the embarrassing things, the wrong things, and these thoughts help keep him awake at night.
Power
“You can decide for yourself, Hyukjae,” Donghae had said to him one day, “you’re the only one who has the power to decide how you feel and what you want.”
Soul
He knew already, with sudden clarity one night, that his soul was no longer destined for Heaven.
Goodbye
Hyukjae whispered words almost silently to himself, his eyes closed as he knelt, hands clasped together, in the church, whispering out his final goodbye to everything he used to believe in; there was no turning back now.
Bother
“I don’t mean to bother you, hyung, but …” Donghae trails off, smiling almost shyly at him, and Hyukjae opens his blanket and holds out his arms to his friend, whispering softly into the darkness, “you’re never a bother, Donghae.”
God
“I don’t want to lose God,” he whispered into the darkness, his voice trembling as he admitted his fear, and Donghae was silent beside him, but Hyukjae felt a warm squeeze of fingers around his own and sighed.
Wall
He had a dream that night were he was backed up against a wall, pressed tightly against it by something he couldn’t see, and the only way he could move was left or right, but he couldn’t see what was in either direction, all Hyukjae knew was that one way was good, and one way was bad, and when he woke up he wondered why he couldn’t just move forward instead.
Naked
Seeing Donghae naked, laying in his bed, open and willing and hoping, seemed to finally clear all the fog of doubt from Hyukjae’s mind; he could see everything he ever wanted right in front of him.
Drive
Finally seeing things clearly, seeing Donghae, Hyukjae is filled with this desire that he never wanted to admit he had, but now knew he couldn’t resist, and Donghae’s warm smile and soft words urge him on.
Harm
”I’ve hurt you, so bad, Hae,” Hyukjae’s voice cracks slightly as he whispers the words into the darkness, “I don’t know if I could ever make it up to you.”
Precious
“You mean so much to me,” Hyukjae hoped it wasn’t too late, that he hadn’t already damaged everything beyond repair, and the smile Donghae gave him told him that things could be okay; in losing one thing, Hyukjae had gained another.
Believe
“I’ve lost it,” Hyukjae tells him, “I’ve lost my faith, I’ve lost God,” he wants to cry, because he loves Donghae, so much, but the idea he’s lost something that meant so much to him still hurts; but Donghae tells him softly, “I believe people can build their own heaven, Hyuk,” and with that familiar smile back in place and a warm squeeze of fingers, Hyukjae can feel Donghae saying, “we’ll build ours together.”
- end -
rating: PG-13 I guess
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae
summary: Love blurred the lines between right and wrong, and Hyukjae doesn't know what's real anymore.
notes: written for 1sentence to the epsilon themeset. I've never done anything like this before, I hope it isn't too confusing.
warnings: deals a little with religion.
Motion
The way he moves is so fluid, so graceful, so effortless, and Hyukjae wonders if everything Donghae does looks that good.
Cool
Even days after, Hyukjae can still feel the press of cool fingers against his skin, and he shivers.
Young
When Donghae smiled like that he looked like the happiest little boy in the world, and Hyukjae wished he could have that smile all to himself.
Last
“Last one there’s a flesh-eating zombie!” Donghae shouts and laughs as he sprints ahead before Hyukjae can even get moving, shaking his head and muttering, “zombie?” as he starts to chase after his friend, laughing.
Wrong
All his life Hyukjae had read and been told that things like this were wrong, weren’t tolerated, that they went against God; boys were not supposed to fall in love with boys, and that was the way things were.
Gentle
But at Donghae’s soft touch and warm smile, how could Hyukjae do anything but fall in love with him?
One
“If it’s just the once,” Hyukjae asked himself in the darkness of his bedroom, “just the one, then isn’t it okay?”
Thousand
“It isn’t as if I like more, or want more - I’m not in love with every other guy out there,” Hyukjae tried to reason to himself; only the silence of the night was there to hear him, and he received no answer.
King
If Hyukjae was a king, he decided, he wouldn’t have a princess to take as his wife, not when there was a prince like Donghae in his kingdom.
Learn
Perhaps he could learn to live with it, deal with it; perhaps this one mistake hadn’t let him stray too far from the path he wished to walk.
Blur
Tears blurred your vision, made it difficult to define things and see what was really there, and love, Hyukjae discovered, had a similar effect, blurring believes and faith and right and wrong until he couldn’t distinguish between any of them anymore.
Wait
“Not yet,” he’d whispered to Donghae, “not yet, we have to … we have to wait,” because Hyukjae wasn’t ready yet, and waiting was the only thing he could do.
Change
Something like this, something as big, as wrong, as against the laws of God as this, was sure to make everything change - Hyukjae didn’t know if it was a change to welcome, or a change to flee from.
Command
“Thou shalt not” most of them started in a similar way, telling him not to, telling him it was wrong, telling him to forget what it was he felt and move on - but doing that was like trying to command his blood to flow in the other direction, and Hyukjae just didn’t have that power.
Hold
When he sees Donghae’s tears, all Hyukjae wants to do is enfold him in his arms and hold him close; it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he’s the very cause of those tears.
Need
“Hyukjae, you don’t understand,” Donghae’s words come out in a warm rush of air against the side of his neck, and Hyukjae has to stop himself from trembling at the shiver this gives him; “I need you.”
Vision
All Hyukjae sees at night as he stares wide-eyed at his dark ceiling is Donghae’s face, that familiar smile of his slowly fading away into darkness and Hyukjae has to stifle his guilty tears, he doesn’t want to wake his roommate up.
Attention
Donghae didn’t realise it, but Hyukjae always paid careful attention to every detail of his friend, from the way that his eyes would no longer turn up with the rest of his smile to how his voice had this almost monotone ring to it lately; and Donghae also didn’t realise how seeing all of this made Hyukjae worry.
Picture
A picture was supposed to paint a thousand words, but Hyukjae only wanted one, and he couldn’t find it.
Fool
Hyukjae wondered if telling Donghae “no” was the most foolish thing he had ever done; Heechul definitely seemed to think so, as he bitterly spat the word out to him one morning.
Mad
It wasn’t often Hyukjae ever saw Donghae mad, but that evening, that one particular evening, he had seen his friend even more than mad at him, and knowing that he had done it made Hyukjae ache with guilt.
Child
“You are such a child,” Donghae spat at him, practically seething, “trying to run and hide from the truth like this - it isn’t a game, Hyukjae, this is real, just like my feelings for you, why don’t you just grow up and admit the truth to yourself?”
Now
Hyukjae had had no words for Donghae then, but he could think of a couple now: “I’m sorry.”
Shadow
Something had happened to Donghae, some kind of shade had come down and covered the brightness in his eyes, some kind of shadow had settled over his once warm smile and seeing this made Hyukjae shiver and wonder just what he’d done to his friend.
Hide
“Don’t hide your feelings,” was the advice Sungmin gave him one day; Hyukjae hadn’t asked for it, hadn’t even told Sungmin what was going on, but his friend seemed able to interpret his behaviour lately, and only smiled softly at Hyukjae as he continued, “everything’s a lot easier once you accept them.”
Hunger
Where had it come from, this sudden, insatiable hunger Hyukjae had for something that he wasn’t supposed to have or even want; where had this desire for Donghae come from?
Fortune
Why had this happened to him, why was he fated to stumble and fall and be turned away, when all he had ever done was try to do everything right as it should be; why did he have to fall in love?
Safe
Nowhere had Hyukjae ever felt himself so secure and protected as he felt when Donghae held him tightly in his arms; not even the embrace of his faith had ever made him feel as safe as Donghae did.
Ghost
Often, lately, Hyukjae’s dreams were haunted by the ghost of Donghae’s words, “why can’t you just accept it like I have - I love you, Hyukjae.”
Book
He tried to read it the other day, he tried to put everything else, everything wrong, out of his mind and settle into what used to be a safe haven for him; but as Hyukjae had stared down at the familiar words, he had come to the realisation that even his Bible could no longer provide him with what he was looking for - he was lost.
Eye
A sudden revulsion, a wave of absolute guilt filled Hyukjae, and he was sure the eye of Judgement was upon him, weighing him up and preparing to cast him away into the flames of Hell; that was when he woke up, in the middle of the night, sweating and shivering, with the incredible urge to vomit.
Never
“When, Hyuk, when,” Donghae whispered, clutching at Hyukjae’s arms as he stared up into his face, voice almost pleading, and the only answer Hyukjae could give him was “never,” when really all he wanted to say was, “now, right now.”
Sing
Hyukjae finds himself thinking one day as he hears Donghae singing that he has the voice of an angel; the comparison strikes him as funny and he can’t help but laugh; he’s fallen in love with an angel.
Sudden
There are lips, suddenly and without warning, pressing demandingly against his own.
Stop
“Donghae,” Hyukjae gasps, forcefully pushing the younger boy away, “Donghae stop.”
Time
Time, so they say, is supposed to heal all wounds; Hyukjae wonders how much time it will take to heal the wounds he’s inflicted upon Donghae.
Wash
‘Unclean’ is the word that comes to mind, ‘dirty’, ‘impure’; the taste of Donghae lingers in his mouth, the feel of Donghae’s fingers lingers on his skin, and Hyukjae thinks he can almost see the dirty impressions they leave on him; the water can’t be hot enough as he tries to wash the evidence of sin away, but water can’t purge the feelings he holds inside.
Torn
Hyukjae has never felt so torn and mixed up and confused in his life, he always knew exactly what he was aiming for and what he wanted, success, and of course eventually that perfect wife and their perfect 2.4 children, but he can’t stop thinking about Donghae’s smile and Donghae’s touches and Donghae’s lips pressed against his own, and suddenly Hyukjae doesn’t know what he wants anymore, torn between what he wants, and what he thinks he wants.
History
When he can’t sleep at night, Hyukjae remembers times he and Donghae have spent together, the things they’d done, the fun things, the stupid things, the tiring things, the embarrassing things, the wrong things, and these thoughts help keep him awake at night.
Power
“You can decide for yourself, Hyukjae,” Donghae had said to him one day, “you’re the only one who has the power to decide how you feel and what you want.”
Soul
He knew already, with sudden clarity one night, that his soul was no longer destined for Heaven.
Goodbye
Hyukjae whispered words almost silently to himself, his eyes closed as he knelt, hands clasped together, in the church, whispering out his final goodbye to everything he used to believe in; there was no turning back now.
Bother
“I don’t mean to bother you, hyung, but …” Donghae trails off, smiling almost shyly at him, and Hyukjae opens his blanket and holds out his arms to his friend, whispering softly into the darkness, “you’re never a bother, Donghae.”
God
“I don’t want to lose God,” he whispered into the darkness, his voice trembling as he admitted his fear, and Donghae was silent beside him, but Hyukjae felt a warm squeeze of fingers around his own and sighed.
Wall
He had a dream that night were he was backed up against a wall, pressed tightly against it by something he couldn’t see, and the only way he could move was left or right, but he couldn’t see what was in either direction, all Hyukjae knew was that one way was good, and one way was bad, and when he woke up he wondered why he couldn’t just move forward instead.
Naked
Seeing Donghae naked, laying in his bed, open and willing and hoping, seemed to finally clear all the fog of doubt from Hyukjae’s mind; he could see everything he ever wanted right in front of him.
Drive
Finally seeing things clearly, seeing Donghae, Hyukjae is filled with this desire that he never wanted to admit he had, but now knew he couldn’t resist, and Donghae’s warm smile and soft words urge him on.
Harm
”I’ve hurt you, so bad, Hae,” Hyukjae’s voice cracks slightly as he whispers the words into the darkness, “I don’t know if I could ever make it up to you.”
Precious
“You mean so much to me,” Hyukjae hoped it wasn’t too late, that he hadn’t already damaged everything beyond repair, and the smile Donghae gave him told him that things could be okay; in losing one thing, Hyukjae had gained another.
Believe
“I’ve lost it,” Hyukjae tells him, “I’ve lost my faith, I’ve lost God,” he wants to cry, because he loves Donghae, so much, but the idea he’s lost something that meant so much to him still hurts; but Donghae tells him softly, “I believe people can build their own heaven, Hyuk,” and with that familiar smile back in place and a warm squeeze of fingers, Hyukjae can feel Donghae saying, “we’ll build ours together.”
- end -