08 ⦗breathe me⦘
exo,
yixing centric, xinglu
n; i am so weird im sorry i have a lot of feelings about my life sighs will beta when i'm sober
sleep was uninvited. there was no room for it on his bed, which was already too crowded with sheets and thoughts and memories that he couldn't simply get rid of. he just lay with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling, listening to his own heartbeat take different rhythms whenever he tried to follow one.
yixing had always been too light, too lost. he had always been too quiet, his words nothing but a mere echo, and too distant; his eyes too blurry to be read.
there were times when he just blinked the light away, staring at his own fingers - too thin, too delicate - and waited for the moment he started to vanish, as if he was made of dust and dirt the wind could carry and swipe away. he did not vanish, though he could feel himself get lighter every day.
not this time again, he thought, and shrugged. one day more, one day less, it was no difference. it was just not that day.
when he met lu han, he guessed things wouldn't be affected. he would drift away unnoticed and the boy with curious eyes wouldn't bother in asking about him again. they would just greet each other, ("this is lu han", zitao had eagerly said. "and lu han, this is yixing. he's not very talkative, though." the raven haired boy had helpfully added.) say goodbye, and probably never see each other again.
yixing had learned that things were better that way. he knew how to slip away from people, never allowing them to walk past the thin and persistent walls around him, and he believed it was better that way.
however, lu han managed to bump into him rather often, with his eye blinding smile and his soft melodic voice. "it's like fate wants us to stick together." he had joked, but yixing couldn't understand how that would be possible. he offered a polite smile before walking away from lu han. lu han always smiled at him like an old tree smiles at the unforgiving time and yixing was growing tired of the odd wave of emotions that involved him.
yixing had always been too thin, too breakable. his strong features could not hide the weakness his eyes portrayed, nor the fear that slept behind his pupils every so often. he had always been too delicate, too soft. his skin was paper thin and fragile could be read on it under the dim street lights.
the ashtray was always too full, too worried, but the fridge never complained about the lack of food it had. the coffee maker was broken, and there was only one bottle of water left. yixing was always too careless, too sleepy and tired but unable to close his eyes nevertheless. it was a vicious cycle.
lu han, for reasons yixing couldn't comprehend, noticed things about him. things people would surely overlook or place under wrong labels ("he's just weird or something."), lu han noticed them all with no effort.
"why are you so afraid of people?" he had asked him one day, startling yixing out of his blank thoughts. yixing had no intention to answer though his mind had moved off its axis, and things were getting kind of ugly in there. "are you afraid of attachment?" lu han insisted, despite yixing's obvious resolve to ignore him.
no, yixing thought later, sprawled on his naked mattress. no, i'm not afraid of attachment..
he ignored why, but lu han had this very comforting aura that made yixing's knotting nerves calm down a little. there was something about the unending glistening of his eyes that made yixing sink pretty deep into them and thoughtlessly let his mind get lost in them.
when lu han held his hand and reassuringly smiled at him, yixing mumbled: "i'm not afraid of you."
always too lonely, too selfless; yixing had always been the one to end up wounded and hurt. he always ended in pieces, parts of himself scattered everywhere. he was broken beyond repair, and whenever he thought a scar would fade and disappear, it came back to life. he learned that scars never disappear, they just gain strength and dig deeper into one's skin.
lu han took his breath away and replaced it with his own, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer, as if to prevent yixing from crumbling down in front of him. lu han's naked chest was warm against his and the way lu han made his way between his thighs wasn't experienced nor careful, but yixing found himself trusting and sighing breathlessly in lu han's ear, letting his skin remember the way lu han's fingertips trailed and traced little paths on it.
yixing thought about the scars in his body and the way they seemed to cover all of him, decorating him in an ugly manner, and turned rigid under lu han's body.
"yixing? is everything okay?"
no, he wanted to say, it's not okay. it has never been and it will never be okay, but he stared at lu han's hopeful eyes and his prettily flushed cheeks and thought it didn't really matter, whether things were okay or not.
"kiss me." yixing breathed against lu han's parted lips.
just don't break me,, he thought, shutting his eyes tight and letting himself fall deeper and deeper, until he was unable to see his way back. just don't break me.
yixing centric, xinglu
n; i am so weird im sorry i have a lot of feelings about my life sighs will beta when i'm sober
sleep was uninvited. there was no room for it on his bed, which was already too crowded with sheets and thoughts and memories that he couldn't simply get rid of. he just lay with his eyes open, staring at the ceiling, listening to his own heartbeat take different rhythms whenever he tried to follow one.
yixing had always been too light, too lost. he had always been too quiet, his words nothing but a mere echo, and too distant; his eyes too blurry to be read.
there were times when he just blinked the light away, staring at his own fingers - too thin, too delicate - and waited for the moment he started to vanish, as if he was made of dust and dirt the wind could carry and swipe away. he did not vanish, though he could feel himself get lighter every day.
not this time again, he thought, and shrugged. one day more, one day less, it was no difference. it was just not that day.
when he met lu han, he guessed things wouldn't be affected. he would drift away unnoticed and the boy with curious eyes wouldn't bother in asking about him again. they would just greet each other, ("this is lu han", zitao had eagerly said. "and lu han, this is yixing. he's not very talkative, though." the raven haired boy had helpfully added.) say goodbye, and probably never see each other again.
yixing had learned that things were better that way. he knew how to slip away from people, never allowing them to walk past the thin and persistent walls around him, and he believed it was better that way.
however, lu han managed to bump into him rather often, with his eye blinding smile and his soft melodic voice. "it's like fate wants us to stick together." he had joked, but yixing couldn't understand how that would be possible. he offered a polite smile before walking away from lu han. lu han always smiled at him like an old tree smiles at the unforgiving time and yixing was growing tired of the odd wave of emotions that involved him.
yixing had always been too thin, too breakable. his strong features could not hide the weakness his eyes portrayed, nor the fear that slept behind his pupils every so often. he had always been too delicate, too soft. his skin was paper thin and fragile could be read on it under the dim street lights.
the ashtray was always too full, too worried, but the fridge never complained about the lack of food it had. the coffee maker was broken, and there was only one bottle of water left. yixing was always too careless, too sleepy and tired but unable to close his eyes nevertheless. it was a vicious cycle.
lu han, for reasons yixing couldn't comprehend, noticed things about him. things people would surely overlook or place under wrong labels ("he's just weird or something."), lu han noticed them all with no effort.
"why are you so afraid of people?" he had asked him one day, startling yixing out of his blank thoughts. yixing had no intention to answer though his mind had moved off its axis, and things were getting kind of ugly in there. "are you afraid of attachment?" lu han insisted, despite yixing's obvious resolve to ignore him.
no, yixing thought later, sprawled on his naked mattress. no, i'm not afraid of attachment..
he ignored why, but lu han had this very comforting aura that made yixing's knotting nerves calm down a little. there was something about the unending glistening of his eyes that made yixing sink pretty deep into them and thoughtlessly let his mind get lost in them.
when lu han held his hand and reassuringly smiled at him, yixing mumbled: "i'm not afraid of you."
always too lonely, too selfless; yixing had always been the one to end up wounded and hurt. he always ended in pieces, parts of himself scattered everywhere. he was broken beyond repair, and whenever he thought a scar would fade and disappear, it came back to life. he learned that scars never disappear, they just gain strength and dig deeper into one's skin.
lu han took his breath away and replaced it with his own, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer, as if to prevent yixing from crumbling down in front of him. lu han's naked chest was warm against his and the way lu han made his way between his thighs wasn't experienced nor careful, but yixing found himself trusting and sighing breathlessly in lu han's ear, letting his skin remember the way lu han's fingertips trailed and traced little paths on it.
yixing thought about the scars in his body and the way they seemed to cover all of him, decorating him in an ugly manner, and turned rigid under lu han's body.
"yixing? is everything okay?"
no, he wanted to say, it's not okay. it has never been and it will never be okay, but he stared at lu han's hopeful eyes and his prettily flushed cheeks and thought it didn't really matter, whether things were okay or not.
"kiss me." yixing breathed against lu han's parted lips.
just don't break me,, he thought, shutting his eyes tight and letting himself fall deeper and deeper, until he was unable to see his way back. just don't break me.