SHIP WARS: TEAM CRACKSHIP: PROMPT 3 ENTRY
Title: Mother of Invention
Ship: Scotty/Keenser
Author: imasupermuteant
Rating: NC--Spock 17
Warnings: Perversion of Terry Prachett dialogue, Crack (of course)
Disclaimer: We don't own them... Yet.
It takes no more than three weeks on Delta Vega with no company but that of his small, rock-like best friend, before Scotty begins going mad from a lack of sex. Truly, deeply insane.
“I may start hallucinating any minute.” He growls to Keenser as they work on another highly-developed transporter module which will never be put into use, “You'll have to shoot me before I start eatin' pieces of the holographics array.”
Keenser rolls his eyes at this because even before they were exiled to Delta Vega (and Keenser knows exactly who to blame for that) Scotty didn't get laid all that often. Keenser would know, seeing as he had played "wingman" to his gregarious friend on more than one occasion.
There's an awkward pause for both of them after Keenser suggests that they should try sex... Sex together, seeing as both of them have already tried sex separately (but that's really not the point). At first Scotty laughs. Then he shouts a little.
After over a month of no sex, Scotty decides to reconsider his position. Keenser tries hard not to gloat.
It takes Scotty and Keenser a few tries before they get the whole sex thing figured out. Mostly it's because Scotty is used to having sex with women (human women) and because Keenser is a little on the craggy side.
“I'm naturally craggy.” Keenser mumbles at one point while Scotty is rubbing hydrogen peroxide over his scratched up genitals, “I don't see why I should polish.”
“Ye better start polishing, mate, or there won't be anything left o' me wee lad before we get the deed done.”
So, Keenser polishes a little (and boy was that an eerie sight) and Scotty fiddles with the replicator until it produces the sort of moisturizing lubricant that (according to his theories) will provide them with just the right amount of soft slickness to make intercourse something less than painful.
After carefully considering the large amount of incredibly rough, pointy parts on Keenser's body, Scotty decides that his new lubricant should not only be applied to Keenser's cock (which is ridiculously large, proportionally) but all over so as to prevent any further accidents. He starts by squeezing a bit of the stuff onto his hands and then rubbing it across Keenser's body, but in this case the usual lube-adage of “a little goes a long way” doesn't seem to be working.
It's easy enough for Scotty to rig a container large enough for him to fill it with lube and then dunk Keenser in it. He has a good enough time holding his naked, would-be lover upside down by the ankles and dipping him in the stuff. It's only a few minutes before the both of them are covered in lube and laughing their asses off and the floor is slippery and Scotty ends up on his back with Keenser, naked and sliding, on top of him.
If ever Scotty had thought that sex with his best friend and occasional footstool (Keenser's good at sitting still) would be strange and awkward, he now knows that it is hilarious and fun.
Scotty also discovers that with enough lubrication, Keenser is not pointy so much as ridged for his pleasure
They fuck around for quite a while before getting down to actual fucking. Kissing is interesting because Keenser doesn't have lips so much as rough protrusions, but soon enough he's gotten used to it and they're kissing while Scotty brings his hands down to Keenser's cock and slides his hand across it and Keenser is moaning in a way that Scotty was pretty sure he thought was impossible.
They agree that Scotty should be the one to prepare himself since Keenser's fingers are quite a bit like bumpy knives when you get down to it, so Scotty ends up in possibly the most embarrassing situation of his life, preparing himself with ridiculously slick fingers while Keenser watches him with his beady little eyes and slowly jerks himself off.
Keenser's got a tiny body, but he makes up for it in sheer power. Soon enough he's got Scotty kneeling on the floor, elbows on the ground and ass in the air, his legs spread to accommodate Keenser's standing form as Keenser plows into him hard. Stars burst in Scotty's vision and he's cursing and groaning and saying “fuck yeah” at every opportunity.
Keenser doesn't really make any noise but Scotty can almost hear the self-satisfied twitch of his eyeballs.
They're slick, slicker than Scotty has ever had the opportunity to be, and Keenser is fucking him hard with his ridged cock and Scotty really hasn't experienced anything like this since he tried out his sister's Orion-built vibrating dildo back in high school.
Keenser can't reach around to touch Scotty's cock so when he begins feeling his orgasm building, he does it himself, taking himself in hand as Keenser begins fucking harder and faster.
“Mmrph.” Keenser comes just seconds before Scotty, his eyes twitching like crazy and something sticky and faintly acidic oozing between Scotty's thighs.
Scotty comes just seconds later, groaning into his arm.
They both lie there, in a puddle of lube, for a moment as they catch their collective breath. But soon enough, the remnants of Keenser's come start to itch something awful, and then it starts to burn, and Scotty decides to run and a have a quick and thorough sonic shower before they realize just how allergic he is to Keenser's unique ejaculate.
On the plus side, Scotty is no longer on the verge of hallucination, and Keenser is far more relaxed than someone practically made of rock should be, and the floor is covered in super-slippery gunk which makes for a fantastic slip-n-slide.
And in a few days when Scotty can't figure out the next step on the warp-stabilizer project and Keenser is really starting to get cold, they have another bucket of what Scotty's beginning to call “love-potion number nine” on hand and this time Keenser's wearing a condom.
Ship: Scotty/Keenser
Author: imasupermuteant
Rating: NC--Spock 17
Warnings: Perversion of Terry Prachett dialogue, Crack (of course)
Disclaimer: We don't own them... Yet.
It takes no more than three weeks on Delta Vega with no company but that of his small, rock-like best friend, before Scotty begins going mad from a lack of sex. Truly, deeply insane.
“I may start hallucinating any minute.” He growls to Keenser as they work on another highly-developed transporter module which will never be put into use, “You'll have to shoot me before I start eatin' pieces of the holographics array.”
Keenser rolls his eyes at this because even before they were exiled to Delta Vega (and Keenser knows exactly who to blame for that) Scotty didn't get laid all that often. Keenser would know, seeing as he had played "wingman" to his gregarious friend on more than one occasion.
There's an awkward pause for both of them after Keenser suggests that they should try sex... Sex together, seeing as both of them have already tried sex separately (but that's really not the point). At first Scotty laughs. Then he shouts a little.
After over a month of no sex, Scotty decides to reconsider his position. Keenser tries hard not to gloat.
It takes Scotty and Keenser a few tries before they get the whole sex thing figured out. Mostly it's because Scotty is used to having sex with women (human women) and because Keenser is a little on the craggy side.
“I'm naturally craggy.” Keenser mumbles at one point while Scotty is rubbing hydrogen peroxide over his scratched up genitals, “I don't see why I should polish.”
“Ye better start polishing, mate, or there won't be anything left o' me wee lad before we get the deed done.”
So, Keenser polishes a little (and boy was that an eerie sight) and Scotty fiddles with the replicator until it produces the sort of moisturizing lubricant that (according to his theories) will provide them with just the right amount of soft slickness to make intercourse something less than painful.
After carefully considering the large amount of incredibly rough, pointy parts on Keenser's body, Scotty decides that his new lubricant should not only be applied to Keenser's cock (which is ridiculously large, proportionally) but all over so as to prevent any further accidents. He starts by squeezing a bit of the stuff onto his hands and then rubbing it across Keenser's body, but in this case the usual lube-adage of “a little goes a long way” doesn't seem to be working.
It's easy enough for Scotty to rig a container large enough for him to fill it with lube and then dunk Keenser in it. He has a good enough time holding his naked, would-be lover upside down by the ankles and dipping him in the stuff. It's only a few minutes before the both of them are covered in lube and laughing their asses off and the floor is slippery and Scotty ends up on his back with Keenser, naked and sliding, on top of him.
If ever Scotty had thought that sex with his best friend and occasional footstool (Keenser's good at sitting still) would be strange and awkward, he now knows that it is hilarious and fun.
Scotty also discovers that with enough lubrication, Keenser is not pointy so much as ridged for his pleasure
They fuck around for quite a while before getting down to actual fucking. Kissing is interesting because Keenser doesn't have lips so much as rough protrusions, but soon enough he's gotten used to it and they're kissing while Scotty brings his hands down to Keenser's cock and slides his hand across it and Keenser is moaning in a way that Scotty was pretty sure he thought was impossible.
They agree that Scotty should be the one to prepare himself since Keenser's fingers are quite a bit like bumpy knives when you get down to it, so Scotty ends up in possibly the most embarrassing situation of his life, preparing himself with ridiculously slick fingers while Keenser watches him with his beady little eyes and slowly jerks himself off.
Keenser's got a tiny body, but he makes up for it in sheer power. Soon enough he's got Scotty kneeling on the floor, elbows on the ground and ass in the air, his legs spread to accommodate Keenser's standing form as Keenser plows into him hard. Stars burst in Scotty's vision and he's cursing and groaning and saying “fuck yeah” at every opportunity.
Keenser doesn't really make any noise but Scotty can almost hear the self-satisfied twitch of his eyeballs.
They're slick, slicker than Scotty has ever had the opportunity to be, and Keenser is fucking him hard with his ridged cock and Scotty really hasn't experienced anything like this since he tried out his sister's Orion-built vibrating dildo back in high school.
Keenser can't reach around to touch Scotty's cock so when he begins feeling his orgasm building, he does it himself, taking himself in hand as Keenser begins fucking harder and faster.
“Mmrph.” Keenser comes just seconds before Scotty, his eyes twitching like crazy and something sticky and faintly acidic oozing between Scotty's thighs.
Scotty comes just seconds later, groaning into his arm.
They both lie there, in a puddle of lube, for a moment as they catch their collective breath. But soon enough, the remnants of Keenser's come start to itch something awful, and then it starts to burn, and Scotty decides to run and a have a quick and thorough sonic shower before they realize just how allergic he is to Keenser's unique ejaculate.
On the plus side, Scotty is no longer on the verge of hallucination, and Keenser is far more relaxed than someone practically made of rock should be, and the floor is covered in super-slippery gunk which makes for a fantastic slip-n-slide.
And in a few days when Scotty can't figure out the next step on the warp-stabilizer project and Keenser is really starting to get cold, they have another bucket of what Scotty's beginning to call “love-potion number nine” on hand and this time Keenser's wearing a condom.