Don’t Lie to Me (The True Lies Remix)
Don’t Lie to Me (The True Lies Remix) (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Xander/Anya, PG13)
Summary: Xander and Anya have a conversation.
Rating: PG 13. Mild offensive language.
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Spoilers: I’ll play it safe. “Hell’s Bells”
Original story/author: “Remorse”, by Spiralleds
***
Xander walked into the Magic Box and made the bell ding. Anya glanced up, still waiting on a customer. Xander tapped his heel impatiently. The guy tried to hang around after the sale was finished, flirting with Anya, but finally got the message when Xander cleared his throat and glared at the guy. “Do you mind? I want to talk to my fiancé here.”
The guy glared back at him, but left quickly. There was a lot of glaring going around, because Anya was also glaring at him. “Xander, you can’t treat my customers like that, or they will leave, and not come back. And that means they won’t spend their money here. And that means I don’t get to have their money. I want their money, Xander. I like having their money.”Her voice turned into a whine. “Why don’t you want me to have their money?”
Xander ignored the glare and the questions. “Uh, Ahn?” He tried to figure out the best way to approach the subject and decided to take the direct route. “Do you have any idea why the cash machine ate my ATM card?”
She glanced up and went back to balancing the books. “Were you using the one down on 34th and Vine? I keep telling you it’s possessed. Why don’t you believe me?”
“No, I wasn’t at that one. I was outside of Blockbuster, wanting to rent ‘True Lies’ for you, since you love it so much.” He supposed he should be afraid that his fiance liked action movies even more than he did, but he wasn’t complaining. “And because you said that you finally figured out who Dana reminds you of, and you won’t tell me.” Who Dana reminded them of had been driving him nuts for a few years, and her nuts for a few months, since she’d first seen the movie.
Her mouth was set in a stubborn line. “I still say the ATM was possessed.”
Possessed ATM machines wouldn’t be the weirdest things they’d dealt with. That should point out how freaky their lives were. And the freakiest part was that he didn’t even notice how not normal their lives were. “No, this is old fashioned laws of supply and demand. Specifically, insufficient funds are at work here. Why do we have insufficient funds?”
She pouted. “You promised to refrain from use of financial terms during business hours. I can’t afford to keep closing the shop during business hours, while we have sex, and you refuse to do anything unless I close down, and that means that I have to deal with things -”
He interrupted her before he lost sight of his reasons for coming in. “I’m serious, Anya. Return to sender, funds unknown. Why are the funds unknown?” Anya pretended to study her nails. “Do you think that the pink works for me, or should I go with the orange next time? Does it clash with my hair?”
He shook his head. “You know better than to ask me questions about nails. The only thing I know is that Sally Hanson’s Hard as Nails make them stronger so that you don’t break nails while staking vampires. And I only know that because Buffy used to talk about it all the time. Why are the funds unknown?”
She shrugged. “What makes you think I know, anyway?”
“An?”
Anya looked up, irritated. “Oh, all right. Yes. It was me. Are you happy now?”
No. He still wanted answers. “Where did it go? Did you cash it out again? I thought we got past that manual counting fetish.”
“Mmm-hmm, but it feels so good.” She murmured, closing her eyes.
He sighed again. “Anya. The money. Where is it?”
She changed tactics. “WHen I tell you, I think you will agree that it was the fault of a demon with a tremendous power of suggestion. Do you remember the other night when I found sleep elusive because the register was off by 27 whole cents? I discovered a few days later that Willow stole the money to buy a soda. She quickly said that she would pay it back immediately, and she promised to never do it again. All of your friends are thieves, Xander. Anyway, the television was on and this woman with blonde frizzy hair, she should use better conditioner, it would really fix that problem, and she had a squeaky voice, and she explained that for 80 cents a day -”
Realization hit him. “You sent all the money in our checkbook to Sally Struthers!” Needless to say, he wasn’t happy about it.
She shot him an irritated look. “Yes, but let me explain. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of how lucky I am to have lost my vengeance job here instead of a third world country, or a socialist one, you know, they tax half your income. The thieves. Then I felt awful for feeling pleased that I am here, that I can run a place that makes such a great profit margin, and I have you.” Anya smiled at him, and Xander gave her a half smile in return before he could stop himself. Her smile disappeared. “It was like someone dropped a heavy blanket on my thoughts and grabbed my heart and squeezed it until all the blood was out of it. Then I wrote a check and I felt light and warm. Like a... a... a cat that ate the canary.” Her eyes lit up. “Finally, that phrase makes so much more sense!”
He sighed. “Honey, I know Sally Struthers, and Sally is no demon.”
She shot him another irritated look. “I’m not done yet. For a week, every time I’d look at the check registry, I’d feel good.” She started to pout. Xander could feel a headache begin to grow right behind his eyeballs. “But then that feeling faded away. I tried to cancel the check this morning, but that demon had already cashed it. She must be a very powerful demon to exert such control over my mind.”
He shook his head. “Nope, not a demon.”
She challenged him strongly. “Well, how do you explain what I did, if she’s not a demon?”
Xander shrugged. “Pretty sure you took a trip on the good old toll road of guilt with a brief stop at the altruism way station of life.”
Anya wrinkled her nose. “What in the world are you talking about? Toll road? ISn’t that one of those things that you have to pay when you drive on the highways? Way station? What’s that?” Her eyes widened. “Guilt? Guilt! Oh, yuck! It feels like this? No wonder religion works so well. You know what this means? The next thing will be remorse for my vengeance demon days. And then more guilt. And then I’ll pay more! THis is so not fair!”
His own eyes widened. “You mean you’ve never experienced remorse over the things you did as a demon? Even after you became a human again?” He tried to wrap his mind around it.
She averted her eyes quickly. “Of course I have. I’m not a demon.” The lie showed up like a flat note of discord.
He’d accepted her past. He knew the types of things she’d done, even if he didn’t want to hear about it.
He’d assumed that she’d felt guilty over it. Didn’t know why he’d come to that conclusion, but he had.
This was going to throw a big old monkey wrench in their wedding plans.
END
Summary: Xander and Anya have a conversation.
Rating: PG 13. Mild offensive language.
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Spoilers: I’ll play it safe. “Hell’s Bells”
Original story/author: “Remorse”, by Spiralleds
***
Xander walked into the Magic Box and made the bell ding. Anya glanced up, still waiting on a customer. Xander tapped his heel impatiently. The guy tried to hang around after the sale was finished, flirting with Anya, but finally got the message when Xander cleared his throat and glared at the guy. “Do you mind? I want to talk to my fiancé here.”
The guy glared back at him, but left quickly. There was a lot of glaring going around, because Anya was also glaring at him. “Xander, you can’t treat my customers like that, or they will leave, and not come back. And that means they won’t spend their money here. And that means I don’t get to have their money. I want their money, Xander. I like having their money.”Her voice turned into a whine. “Why don’t you want me to have their money?”
Xander ignored the glare and the questions. “Uh, Ahn?” He tried to figure out the best way to approach the subject and decided to take the direct route. “Do you have any idea why the cash machine ate my ATM card?”
She glanced up and went back to balancing the books. “Were you using the one down on 34th and Vine? I keep telling you it’s possessed. Why don’t you believe me?”
“No, I wasn’t at that one. I was outside of Blockbuster, wanting to rent ‘True Lies’ for you, since you love it so much.” He supposed he should be afraid that his fiance liked action movies even more than he did, but he wasn’t complaining. “And because you said that you finally figured out who Dana reminds you of, and you won’t tell me.” Who Dana reminded them of had been driving him nuts for a few years, and her nuts for a few months, since she’d first seen the movie.
Her mouth was set in a stubborn line. “I still say the ATM was possessed.”
Possessed ATM machines wouldn’t be the weirdest things they’d dealt with. That should point out how freaky their lives were. And the freakiest part was that he didn’t even notice how not normal their lives were. “No, this is old fashioned laws of supply and demand. Specifically, insufficient funds are at work here. Why do we have insufficient funds?”
She pouted. “You promised to refrain from use of financial terms during business hours. I can’t afford to keep closing the shop during business hours, while we have sex, and you refuse to do anything unless I close down, and that means that I have to deal with things -”
He interrupted her before he lost sight of his reasons for coming in. “I’m serious, Anya. Return to sender, funds unknown. Why are the funds unknown?” Anya pretended to study her nails. “Do you think that the pink works for me, or should I go with the orange next time? Does it clash with my hair?”
He shook his head. “You know better than to ask me questions about nails. The only thing I know is that Sally Hanson’s Hard as Nails make them stronger so that you don’t break nails while staking vampires. And I only know that because Buffy used to talk about it all the time. Why are the funds unknown?”
She shrugged. “What makes you think I know, anyway?”
“An?”
Anya looked up, irritated. “Oh, all right. Yes. It was me. Are you happy now?”
No. He still wanted answers. “Where did it go? Did you cash it out again? I thought we got past that manual counting fetish.”
“Mmm-hmm, but it feels so good.” She murmured, closing her eyes.
He sighed again. “Anya. The money. Where is it?”
She changed tactics. “WHen I tell you, I think you will agree that it was the fault of a demon with a tremendous power of suggestion. Do you remember the other night when I found sleep elusive because the register was off by 27 whole cents? I discovered a few days later that Willow stole the money to buy a soda. She quickly said that she would pay it back immediately, and she promised to never do it again. All of your friends are thieves, Xander. Anyway, the television was on and this woman with blonde frizzy hair, she should use better conditioner, it would really fix that problem, and she had a squeaky voice, and she explained that for 80 cents a day -”
Realization hit him. “You sent all the money in our checkbook to Sally Struthers!” Needless to say, he wasn’t happy about it.
She shot him an irritated look. “Yes, but let me explain. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of how lucky I am to have lost my vengeance job here instead of a third world country, or a socialist one, you know, they tax half your income. The thieves. Then I felt awful for feeling pleased that I am here, that I can run a place that makes such a great profit margin, and I have you.” Anya smiled at him, and Xander gave her a half smile in return before he could stop himself. Her smile disappeared. “It was like someone dropped a heavy blanket on my thoughts and grabbed my heart and squeezed it until all the blood was out of it. Then I wrote a check and I felt light and warm. Like a... a... a cat that ate the canary.” Her eyes lit up. “Finally, that phrase makes so much more sense!”
He sighed. “Honey, I know Sally Struthers, and Sally is no demon.”
She shot him another irritated look. “I’m not done yet. For a week, every time I’d look at the check registry, I’d feel good.” She started to pout. Xander could feel a headache begin to grow right behind his eyeballs. “But then that feeling faded away. I tried to cancel the check this morning, but that demon had already cashed it. She must be a very powerful demon to exert such control over my mind.”
He shook his head. “Nope, not a demon.”
She challenged him strongly. “Well, how do you explain what I did, if she’s not a demon?”
Xander shrugged. “Pretty sure you took a trip on the good old toll road of guilt with a brief stop at the altruism way station of life.”
Anya wrinkled her nose. “What in the world are you talking about? Toll road? ISn’t that one of those things that you have to pay when you drive on the highways? Way station? What’s that?” Her eyes widened. “Guilt? Guilt! Oh, yuck! It feels like this? No wonder religion works so well. You know what this means? The next thing will be remorse for my vengeance demon days. And then more guilt. And then I’ll pay more! THis is so not fair!”
His own eyes widened. “You mean you’ve never experienced remorse over the things you did as a demon? Even after you became a human again?” He tried to wrap his mind around it.
She averted her eyes quickly. “Of course I have. I’m not a demon.” The lie showed up like a flat note of discord.
He’d accepted her past. He knew the types of things she’d done, even if he didn’t want to hear about it.
He’d assumed that she’d felt guilty over it. Didn’t know why he’d come to that conclusion, but he had.
This was going to throw a big old monkey wrench in their wedding plans.
END