Just another fanfic Sunday
The fact that there's a total eclipse of the moon on Wednesday is just a coincidence, I assure you.
Title: Total Eclipse of the Heart
Author: Katzedecimal
Rating: we'll call it T for Teen for intense emotional stuff that Disney doesn't think little kids should know about.
Characters: Brainiac 5, Sister Andromeda
Era: post-Zero Hour
Summary: He wouldn't be Brainiac 5 if he didn't have at least one breakdown in his life.
Morning. Unfamiliar bed. Unfamiliar aromas. Body contact, breasts pressing against my back - must be Laurel. Querl cracked one eye open, I'd be worried if it was Cosmic Boy. He turned over and looked up into Laurel's sleeping face, watching the scuttle of dreams beneath her closed lids, then skootched up into kissing range. He brushed his lips lightly across hers, watching as this produced a large eye movement, her gold lashes fluttering against her cheeks. "Laurel..." he whispered against her mouth. She whiffled and smacked her lips and he smiled. Sleeping Laurels were fun to play with. He kissed her forehead lightly and snuggled against her shoulder.
The planet Durla: Six billion years to create, six minutes to destroy. The planet and its people were still recovering from the war that had devastated them and left them defenseless, easy prey for the predators of the universe. Centuries of exploitation and persecution had left the Durlans as fearful of other races as the other races were of the Durlans. During the conflict with the Dark Circle, Sister Andromeda had been sent here, a xenophobe among xenophobes. She had enjoyed her work so much, she had elected to stay after her official mission had ended. The parallels to the Durlan Legionnaire, Chameleon, were not lost to Querl.
She had come back to pick up some things and to tell her companions that she'd be away for training. Querl had gone with her, curious about the place. For the most part, it was desolate, still showing the scars of its nuclear holocaust. In some areas the technology was disconcertingly primitive, a stark contrast to the spaceports. Querl had gotten used to showering with water during his sojourn in the 20th Century, but he hadn't liked it; he just didn't feel clean. Still, if this was where Laurel was happy, he could always install a proper shower.
"...whrrrm?"
Querl looked up to see Laurel's eyes flickering open. "Good morning," he chuckled.
"...mrn'ng.." She yawned and looked around blearily, then snuzzled his hair and sighed. He was so warm and smelled so nice, like musky green tea, and his hair was so silky and fine. She whiffled it with her breath, not quite awake. Querl sighed, quietly rapturous in the simple, intimate contact. That something so basic could be so satisfying... "You sleep okay?" Laurel asked, sounding slightly more coherant.
"Better than I can ever remember. You?"
"Same. I seem to be sleeping better with you near me."
"Perhaps my snoring serenades you," he chuckled.
"Nah. You don't snore. ...much. My ex snored like a chainsaw. There's serious sleep apnea in his future."
Querl arched an eyebrow, "As in fatality?"
Laurel thought about it. "Possibly. I don't wish him dead but I do wish him ill; I'm not that enlightened. Last I'd heard, they'd given him my sister."
"Was he that brutal to you?" Querl asked very softly.
"Yes."
Hrm. "I could perform a creative rearrangement of his organs," he suggested, "Nothing fatal. He could have to urinate out his nose and eat through his anus." Laurel burst out laughing, causing jiggles in close proximity. "Oh no! An earthquake! Grab something and hold on!"
"Ah!! ...Hey, where'd you go?"
"'m n h'r."
"Are you sure that's safe?"
"M' prefiouf br'n if fec'rely pfadded." Laurel laughed again. "Ahhh! Aft'rfockf!!"
"Have you got enough oxygen in there?"
"'M liffing on l'v."
"Is that very sustaining?"
"Moft affuredly. It giff'f me all m'nn'r 'f fitality."
"oooOOOOOooooo...! But is that vital? I've heard one can live without it."
Querl pulled his face out of Happy Valley and looked cogitative. "Not according to the Legion of Super Hormones," he said, "But their data is unreliable and needs to be tested under proper scientific conditions."
"That sounds like a long-term project."
"I anticipate life-long."
"Then we'd better get started..."
* * * *
Alright, perhaps water showers aren't so terrible after all, Querl thought, flipping his wet hair back from his forehead. He picked up the tea tray and carried it into Laurel's study.
"Mmm, thanks. And thanks for breakfast, too."
Querl smiled and stroked her damp hair, "You're welcome. I think I could get used to this."
"So could I," Laurel smiled, "And the others here respect privacy a heck of a lot better than the Legionnaires do."
"It's only a few of them, really, but yes, it is a relief." Querl noticed the collection of holophotos that were arrayed about Laurel's desk and shelves, "May I look?"
"Mm? Oh yes, sure. This'll take me a few minutes," she turned back to the holo of instructions she was recording. Querl looked through the photos of fellow nuns, various friends including M'Onel, Lyle and Chameleon. What intrigued him, of course, was the large number of holos of himself.
Most of them were from his pre-upgrade days, he noted with some nostalgia. Some were posed, but many were candid shots, snapped by Lyle or Rond or some other anonymous holographer. Several shots of Koko jumping at his face, more's the pity. One of him, distracted by Laurel's passage, about to fry himself with hydrofluoric acid. And, to his surprise, several shots where he actually looked happy. Strange, he hadn't thought he ever was happy, before his upgrade. "Interesting."
"Hm?"
"I was just observing that you have few images from after my upgrade."
"Ah..... no. I don't."
"Did you not receive any? I notice you have some that are comparatively recent..." he trailed off, a little alarm bell starting to ring. "...You don't like it."
Laurel didn't look at him. She sat back, arms across her chest, chewing her lip as she thought about what to say. I don't want to get into this, it's only going to hurt both of us, she thought, Anyways it's over, it's past, he's himself again, mostly. Mostly. She sighed, knowing that 'mostly' was the problem, and made a decision. she just prayed he trusted her enough to take it. "The Anomaly changed you. You weren't 'you' anymore. You were someone else entirely."
The softly spoken words cut like icicles. Querl stared at her in horrified disbelief. "But... the Anomaly changed me for the better!" he protested, "For the first time I was able to interact with people and not be concerned about rejection or scorn. People liked me, Laurel. I was able to talk to the other Legionnaires--talk to anybody--and be accepted as more than a brain with green skin."
"It destroyed your personality," Laurel replied softly, "It changed you so drastically, it was like you'd been lobotomised." She looked down at her toes and whispered, "I often wondered if that's what those things on your face had done to you."
He shook his head vigorously. "You don't understand. If I didn't have these--" he touched the implant on his left cheek, "I would be forced to feel everything. All the time. There's a constant clamor in my head. So many distractions...so many things to think about, to feel about. I can't control them all at once. Not by myself."
"You were managing before you got them," she pointed out.
"By being a cold-hearted bastard and keeping everyone at arm's length."
Laurel smiled, "And now you've come full circle. Now you're a warm-hearted bastard who keeps everyone at arm's length." She looked up at him, then stood up and leaned against her desk and took his hands.
She was only saying what he himself had been thinking for some time. He'd admitted to Gates that he wasn't entirely comfortable with the mental make-over that the Anomaly had given him, but he hadn't allowed himself to face the points that Laurel was voicing. Very, very quietly, he whispered, "I'm afraid of what I might do without them. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of them. They're a crutch, and the longer I depend on them, the more lost I'll be without them."
Laurel nodded. This was thin ice, and she knew he had to feel his way along it. If she tried to tip the balance one way or the other, the ice would crack. "That happened once, though, didn't it."
Querl shuddered, "Oh, yes. While we were attending a useless and pompous ceremony, all technology in Metropolis ceased functioning, including our flight rings and my implants. I nearly went insane on the spot. No, I did go insane. Umbra had to slap me back to reality, quite literally."
Laurel shook her head, "She couldn't have done that if you were truly insane. That's not how insanity works. You brought yourself back, she said. Counting pi, which I must say is so utterly 'Brainiac' it hurts. You couldn't have done that if you were genuinely insane. Querl, you didn't snap; you snapped back." She plucked a branch of pussy willow from a nearby vase and applied pressure to its tip, bending it back. It bent and bent and bent and bent nearly double, but wouldn't break. And when she let go....
Querl folded his arms and looked away, "They're personality suppressors. I know that."
"And yet you kept them, even knowing what they were doing to you, to your mind."
"What do you want from me?" He was shivering now and knew that he was lashing out because she was right. She was hitting everything he'd been avoiding thinking about, with regard to his implants.
She looked puzzled, "You asked why I didn't have any images of you from after your upgrade; I'm answering. I don't have any because the one who came out of the Anomaly wasn't the one I loved." She pushed her hair out of her face with a sigh, "I thought you were gone forever. I thought the Anomaly had... 'killed' you. But then you started coming back."
"I started 'coming back', as you put it, after my mother tried to kill me!" he snarled.
"By electrocuting you through your implants."
Querl fell silent. He hadn't thought of that... no, he had, but he hadn't admitted it to himself, wouldn't allow himself to consider it - that his mother might have damaged the suppressors and allowed his natural personality to start seeping through. "When they failed..."
"If they were suppressing you, your mind would fight that. Grife, a human mind will fight back, a Daxamite mind will fight, there's no way your mind wasn't fighting back against all that pressure, and winning. Then the pressure wasn't there anymore.."
"And I went insane, Laurel!"
"No, you did not. Insanity doesn't work that way, it's organic, and you know that. You've got ninety-three doctorates-"
"..one hundred fourteen now.."
"-including medicine and psyche. You know that insanity doesn't work like that." Querl said nothing. He knew, and he hadn't allowed himself to think about that, either. He felt her take his hands again and let her draw him near. "I'm afraid those things are keeping you dependant on them," she said softly.
"For what purpose?"
"I don't know," she admitted, "I don't know why the Anomaly changed us. It took me ages to shake off its effects and I still haven't fully explored the powers that it gave me. I don't want to. The more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that the Anomaly wasn't benevolent."
"You were the one who led us to it," he said defensively.
"I know," she said simply, "But you didn't see it coming either. If Mr. 12th-Level Intelligence didn't spot it as a trap, I can hardly blame myself for not seeing it either."
Querl felt his blood go cold. "....Trap?"
"All of us who were brought into the Anomaly - you, me, Kinetix, Gates, Umbra and M'Onel - we all had problems fitting into the group. We didn't do the group-mind thing, we stayed independant thinkers. We were the ones most likely to think for ourselves. The Anomaly changed that for reasons of its own, and we still don't know what purpose it had in doing so. But the way it rewrote you and practically erased Kinetix, I don't think it was good. My fear is that those implants have been keeping you dependant on them by making you afraid."
"And you'd prefer I removed them."
She shook her head, "I'm not trying to make you do anything. You're recovered and you're 'you' again, so it's fine. You asked a question which doesn't have a good answer. I could take the easy way out, but you've always been honest with me; I can't be any less honest with you. If they're that important to you, then there's no argument. Just remember, I love you, not your implants."
He pressed his face against her shoulder. "My life has been much more comfortable with artificially enhanced social skills," he admitted softly, "But...I need you more. The thought of you being disappointed in me, or dissatisfied in any way...it's more than I can bear."
She hugged him tighter, "I'm not disappointed and I'm not dissatisfied. I fell in love with you when you were a cold-hearted bastard who kept everyone at arm's length, and I love you now, when you're a warm-hearted bastard who keeps everyone at arm's length."
"But you loved me best the way I really am," Querl whispered wonderingly, "That's something nobody has ever done before."
"That's not quite true either," Laurel replied softly, "I bet I can name six other people who'd tell you you don't need artificial enhancements for them to love you." Querl snorted, disbelieving. She counted off on her fingers, "Lyle, Rond, Imra, Ayla, Gates and Mr. Brande."
Querl jerked back and stared at her, mouth agape. "Considering that you've been absent for so long, your assessment shows remarkable accuracy. If you limit the choices to actual Legionnaires, substitute Chameleon and Umbra for Rond and Brande."
"I wondered about Chameleon, yes. Umbra is... not much of a surprise, after what you told me. However, Rond and Mr. Brande should not be discounted. They've known you longer than anyone in the Legion." She chuckled, "Mr. Brande just loves you. He talks about you like you were his favorite grandson."
"He only loves me for my mind," Querl demurred, "...I suppose I have more friends than I truly believed."
"Friends who've accepted you no matter what you threw at them. And defended you. And care about you to let you know when you really *have* crossed the line. And all of them felt that way before you got the implants," Laurel said softly, brushing his bangs back, "It might not be a wide social net, but it's a deep one."
Querl turned away. He was shaking and running with sweat, though his limbs felt like ice. He felt nauseated and on the verge of tears. He'd had his implants for years and never let himself question what they were doing or why. He never let himself question the drastic change in his personality, even though Doctor Gym'Ll had had conniptions about it. He never let Doctor Gym'Ll perform the scans that might have revealed what the implants were doing. He never let himself see the possible connections between his mother's electrocuting his implants and the subsequent re-emergence of his natural personality. He'd recognised, and admitted to Gates, that he wasn't sure he wanted the empathy that the implants induced in him... yet he still clung to them. A holoimage caught his eye, of himself and Rond on Talos, wearing their Very Serious Scientist expressions and giving each other bunny-ears. He closed his eyes, trying to shut it out, then wondered why.
He was dimly aware of Laurel crossing the room and placing a sign on the door before closing it. 'In session' or something, probably. 'Dealing with 12th Level basketcase.' Sprock her, she's uncanny. What is she, part-Titanian or something? It's like she reads my mind, but she finds all the things I don't want anyone to know. ...including me. Mother sprocking Andromeda... no wonder they're making her a saint. She's right. She's right and it's all things that I should have been concerned about, I should have considered all of it and I didn't... wouldn't... What the sprock am I so afraid of?? The answer welled up from deep within and he pushed it away. That's ridiculous. Am I that much of a child, to be afraid of losing all my friends? Am I that afraid of.. of me? The answer rose, bubbling up through the years of being feared and excluded, called a freak, left to robots, kicked off-world and thrown to the U.P.'s monkeys, meeting his forebears and seeing what they'd become, erupting with a force that brought him gasping to his knees, YES!!
..sprock, it's begun already and I haven't even turned them off! he thought as waves of terror washed over him, It's no wonder everybody's afraid of me. Even my name, 'Brainiac', I might as well hang a sign around my neck saying 'I'm going to go crazy and kill a lot of people some day, just so you know.' 'Hello, my name is Brainiac 5, you killed my whatever, prepare to die.' Grife, I can't turn them off, I can't, everybody'll hate me again...
"What am I, chopped liver?" Querl's eyes snapped open. Lyle? No.. grife, that sounded real. Auditory hallucination? Maybe I am losing it. Or maybe I'm just trying to tell myself something. Great, now I'm channelling Laurel. He became aware of Laurel's heartbeat next to his ear, her arms around him. This is ridiculous! He closed his eyes and concentrated.
There was no external sign until he opened his eyes and looked into her face - then she could see what he had done. ...bends and bends and bends until you let go, and then it snaps back hard. Grife, Querl, what have you been doing to your self? She sat crosslegged on the rug and pulled him into her lap. "I love you," she whispered, "Just hang onto that. I love you."
Querl clung to her, face buried against her shoulder, all but screaming as his tears soaked her shirt. It seemed to go on endlessly, but eventually the howling sobs subsided to choked gasps. He struggled to speak, his voice breaking. He swallowed hard and tried again. "There is nothing I would not do for you. Nothing I would not attempt to do even if I were certain of failure. What I feel for you...it's so much bigger than I am. I can't hold it all inside me." He laughed suddenly, then bit down on it. "It's so much bigger than me."
"Tell me."
He drew back from her and raised his face, unashamedly wet with tears. His eyes glowed like emeralds in full sunlight. "Saying I love you isn't enough," he rasped, "The first time I saw you it was like...it was like being the first man who discovered what fire was. I couldn't look away from you. I wanted to burn you into my memory and carry you with me always. I loved you before I knew what love was."
Laurel sighed, "I was such a bitch. I always wondered why you carried such a torch for me, for so long."
"I can't deny that baser instincts likely played a part," Querl chuckled, "But it wasn't just your beauty that attracted me. You were as out of place as I was, especially in the early days, and you didn't want to be there any more than I did."
"No, I didn't," she admitted, then half-smiled, "You made it bearable, even though I didn't show it very well."
"You were better than you knew. I could see it, I could see your attitude changing, I began to hope--if you could change, maybe so could I. Then...then you 'died.'" His face crumpled and the tears started fresh.
Laurel sighed ruefully, "I didn't know for months that Violet had told everyone I'd died."
"It felt like life had blown a hole through me. I was walking around, I was functioning after a fashion, but part of me I'd never known existed was gone. Everything was gray. Lifeless. Nothing could fill the void in me."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that. But at the time, I didn't know."
"I understand that," he said, nodding eagerly, "I don't blame you for any of it. When you came back...it was like someone opened a door and the light came pouring back in. Everything was sharp and clear again." He was smiling big now. "I'd never been so happy, but I didn't know how to express it." Laurel's smile was touched with sadness as she brushed the tears off his cheeks - she knew what happened to that happiness. "And then--" His voice broke again and he cleared his throat, "You left again. I wouldn't even try to stop you. If I could have told you everything, everything I was feeling...if I could have even asked to go with you...but I couldn't. I just couldn't. The words wouldn't come."
She looked regretful, "I was.. hoping you'd ask me why.... I would have told you why.. all of it, everything. It hurt that you just dismissed me. For a long time, I thought you didn't want me anymore."
"I...never...stopped...wanting...you." Each word was rough with emphasis, "I could sooner stop my own heart." He swallowed hard. He seemed to be a bit more in control now, she noticed. "And then you joined a nunnery. That was a bit of a surprise." He laughed sharply, suddenly and she grinned. "And then the Anomaly happened...and then the Blight happened...and then everyone thought I was dead along with half the Legion...never a dull moment, really." Another bitter bark of a laugh. "But I never forgot about you."
"I was sent to work here on Durla and I had the breakthrough I was searching for, the one even the Anomaly couldn't give me."
"The best place to look for answers is inside yourself."
Laurel reached out to cup his cheek. "Listen to yourself," she said softly.
Querl stared at her for several minutes, then looked away. "Grife," he muttered, pressing a hand to his forehead, "I'm getting a headache... Are we done yet?"
"Come here," she said and lightly pressed her hand against his forehead. The Anomaly had given her strange energy-manipulating powers and she'd found she could sometimes manipulate the body's electromagnetic fields. A tension headache caused by emotional stress, that wasn't difficult. Her palm warmed as her power signalled nerves, causing muscles to relax, easing the pain.
"Dilation of the cranial blood vessels and dissipation of muscle tension. That's one way to cure a headache."
"That's generally what causes a stress headache," she smiled.
"I'm sure you perform this service for all the semi-psychotic geniuses with severe emotional developmental problems you encounter."
"Oh quite," she giggled.
"I did try to warn you, you know. I'm difficult to deal with when I'm off my meds." He tapped the now-inert implant on his cheek.
Laurel feigned surprise, "Are you? I hadn't even realized."
"I'd hit you for that if I wouldn't break my hand," Querl half-smirked.
Laurel grinned and shook her head, "Honestly, Querl, you're not difficult to deal with. Not for me, not after what else I've had to deal with. Now unmedicated schizophrenic Durlans, that's difficult." Querl looked so surprised she had to giggle. "And you got nothin' on Daxamite PMS, I'm just sayin'."
"I thought you were like that all the time," Querl smirked, wiping his face. He was feeling more contained now and the terror was gone. He wondered if Laurel were right about that too, about it being induced. "I suppose I have some decisions to make."
"Maybe give it a month," Laurel suggested, "Give yourself a month to get used to being unsuppressed. Your brain's been fighting under a lot of pressure; it'll take some time to settle out."
"I suppose that's wise," he sighed.
"Wisdom comes from self," Laurel grinned, "They're on the same points of the Stars of Valor."
"Do you ever stop nunning?"
"Do you ever stop Brainiacing?" She giggled and hugged him, "How are you feeling now?"
"Better, I suppose. Less like an exploding star, as Umbra put it."
"Good," she smooched his forehead, "I think what you need right now is a cup of tea, a nap, and another shag, in that order."
Querl laughed, "You're the expert. My education in the metaphysical areas is sorely lacking, so I cannot dispute your prescription."
They went out to the kitchen, startling a Durlan in traditional robes. Laurel spoke a few words in Durlan then switched back to Interlac, "This is Lior, one of the l'ri-an here. She doesn't speak much Interlac." The Durlan regarded Querl for a moment, then shifted into the 'friendly orange alien' form favoured by her kind when meeting outworlders.
"And my Durlan is atrocious," Querl said in that language. "You don't have to do that on my account," he told Lior, who looked startled, "One of my friends is Durlan. I'm quite accustomed to the natural Durlan form and this is your homeworld."
Lior inclined her head. "Your accent is strange. Welcome." She turned to look at Laurel, "Are we still gaming tonight, Sister Andromeda?"
"Yes!"
Querl looked mildly interested, "What sort of game? Your order continues to defy established assumptions about nuns, so I presume you don't mean bingo."
"Bingo?! Nooooooo - GURPS."
"What?!" Querl's jaw dropped and a grin spread over his face, "You play GURPS?"
"Yeah," Laurel grinned, "I usually play clerics and mages, occasionally warriors. And Sparks."
"Sparks?! How do you know about... wait, of course, how else - Lyle."
"That's what we're playing tonight. You want in?"
Querl grinned, "Hy'm dere, sveethot!"
And special aww-inspiring bonus pic by EmbyQuinn
Title: Total Eclipse of the Heart
Author: Katzedecimal
Rating: we'll call it T for Teen for intense emotional stuff that Disney doesn't think little kids should know about.
Characters: Brainiac 5, Sister Andromeda
Era: post-Zero Hour
Summary: He wouldn't be Brainiac 5 if he didn't have at least one breakdown in his life.
Morning. Unfamiliar bed. Unfamiliar aromas. Body contact, breasts pressing against my back - must be Laurel. Querl cracked one eye open, I'd be worried if it was Cosmic Boy. He turned over and looked up into Laurel's sleeping face, watching the scuttle of dreams beneath her closed lids, then skootched up into kissing range. He brushed his lips lightly across hers, watching as this produced a large eye movement, her gold lashes fluttering against her cheeks. "Laurel..." he whispered against her mouth. She whiffled and smacked her lips and he smiled. Sleeping Laurels were fun to play with. He kissed her forehead lightly and snuggled against her shoulder.
The planet Durla: Six billion years to create, six minutes to destroy. The planet and its people were still recovering from the war that had devastated them and left them defenseless, easy prey for the predators of the universe. Centuries of exploitation and persecution had left the Durlans as fearful of other races as the other races were of the Durlans. During the conflict with the Dark Circle, Sister Andromeda had been sent here, a xenophobe among xenophobes. She had enjoyed her work so much, she had elected to stay after her official mission had ended. The parallels to the Durlan Legionnaire, Chameleon, were not lost to Querl.
She had come back to pick up some things and to tell her companions that she'd be away for training. Querl had gone with her, curious about the place. For the most part, it was desolate, still showing the scars of its nuclear holocaust. In some areas the technology was disconcertingly primitive, a stark contrast to the spaceports. Querl had gotten used to showering with water during his sojourn in the 20th Century, but he hadn't liked it; he just didn't feel clean. Still, if this was where Laurel was happy, he could always install a proper shower.
"...whrrrm?"
Querl looked up to see Laurel's eyes flickering open. "Good morning," he chuckled.
"...mrn'ng.." She yawned and looked around blearily, then snuzzled his hair and sighed. He was so warm and smelled so nice, like musky green tea, and his hair was so silky and fine. She whiffled it with her breath, not quite awake. Querl sighed, quietly rapturous in the simple, intimate contact. That something so basic could be so satisfying... "You sleep okay?" Laurel asked, sounding slightly more coherant.
"Better than I can ever remember. You?"
"Same. I seem to be sleeping better with you near me."
"Perhaps my snoring serenades you," he chuckled.
"Nah. You don't snore. ...much. My ex snored like a chainsaw. There's serious sleep apnea in his future."
Querl arched an eyebrow, "As in fatality?"
Laurel thought about it. "Possibly. I don't wish him dead but I do wish him ill; I'm not that enlightened. Last I'd heard, they'd given him my sister."
"Was he that brutal to you?" Querl asked very softly.
"Yes."
Hrm. "I could perform a creative rearrangement of his organs," he suggested, "Nothing fatal. He could have to urinate out his nose and eat through his anus." Laurel burst out laughing, causing jiggles in close proximity. "Oh no! An earthquake! Grab something and hold on!"
"Ah!! ...Hey, where'd you go?"
"'m n h'r."
"Are you sure that's safe?"
"M' prefiouf br'n if fec'rely pfadded." Laurel laughed again. "Ahhh! Aft'rfockf!!"
"Have you got enough oxygen in there?"
"'M liffing on l'v."
"Is that very sustaining?"
"Moft affuredly. It giff'f me all m'nn'r 'f fitality."
"oooOOOOOooooo...! But is that vital? I've heard one can live without it."
Querl pulled his face out of Happy Valley and looked cogitative. "Not according to the Legion of Super Hormones," he said, "But their data is unreliable and needs to be tested under proper scientific conditions."
"That sounds like a long-term project."
"I anticipate life-long."
"Then we'd better get started..."
* * * *
Alright, perhaps water showers aren't so terrible after all, Querl thought, flipping his wet hair back from his forehead. He picked up the tea tray and carried it into Laurel's study.
"Mmm, thanks. And thanks for breakfast, too."
Querl smiled and stroked her damp hair, "You're welcome. I think I could get used to this."
"So could I," Laurel smiled, "And the others here respect privacy a heck of a lot better than the Legionnaires do."
"It's only a few of them, really, but yes, it is a relief." Querl noticed the collection of holophotos that were arrayed about Laurel's desk and shelves, "May I look?"
"Mm? Oh yes, sure. This'll take me a few minutes," she turned back to the holo of instructions she was recording. Querl looked through the photos of fellow nuns, various friends including M'Onel, Lyle and Chameleon. What intrigued him, of course, was the large number of holos of himself.
Most of them were from his pre-upgrade days, he noted with some nostalgia. Some were posed, but many were candid shots, snapped by Lyle or Rond or some other anonymous holographer. Several shots of Koko jumping at his face, more's the pity. One of him, distracted by Laurel's passage, about to fry himself with hydrofluoric acid. And, to his surprise, several shots where he actually looked happy. Strange, he hadn't thought he ever was happy, before his upgrade. "Interesting."
"Hm?"
"I was just observing that you have few images from after my upgrade."
"Ah..... no. I don't."
"Did you not receive any? I notice you have some that are comparatively recent..." he trailed off, a little alarm bell starting to ring. "...You don't like it."
Laurel didn't look at him. She sat back, arms across her chest, chewing her lip as she thought about what to say. I don't want to get into this, it's only going to hurt both of us, she thought, Anyways it's over, it's past, he's himself again, mostly. Mostly. She sighed, knowing that 'mostly' was the problem, and made a decision. she just prayed he trusted her enough to take it. "The Anomaly changed you. You weren't 'you' anymore. You were someone else entirely."
The softly spoken words cut like icicles. Querl stared at her in horrified disbelief. "But... the Anomaly changed me for the better!" he protested, "For the first time I was able to interact with people and not be concerned about rejection or scorn. People liked me, Laurel. I was able to talk to the other Legionnaires--talk to anybody--and be accepted as more than a brain with green skin."
"It destroyed your personality," Laurel replied softly, "It changed you so drastically, it was like you'd been lobotomised." She looked down at her toes and whispered, "I often wondered if that's what those things on your face had done to you."
He shook his head vigorously. "You don't understand. If I didn't have these--" he touched the implant on his left cheek, "I would be forced to feel everything. All the time. There's a constant clamor in my head. So many distractions...so many things to think about, to feel about. I can't control them all at once. Not by myself."
"You were managing before you got them," she pointed out.
"By being a cold-hearted bastard and keeping everyone at arm's length."
Laurel smiled, "And now you've come full circle. Now you're a warm-hearted bastard who keeps everyone at arm's length." She looked up at him, then stood up and leaned against her desk and took his hands.
She was only saying what he himself had been thinking for some time. He'd admitted to Gates that he wasn't entirely comfortable with the mental make-over that the Anomaly had given him, but he hadn't allowed himself to face the points that Laurel was voicing. Very, very quietly, he whispered, "I'm afraid of what I might do without them. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of them. They're a crutch, and the longer I depend on them, the more lost I'll be without them."
Laurel nodded. This was thin ice, and she knew he had to feel his way along it. If she tried to tip the balance one way or the other, the ice would crack. "That happened once, though, didn't it."
Querl shuddered, "Oh, yes. While we were attending a useless and pompous ceremony, all technology in Metropolis ceased functioning, including our flight rings and my implants. I nearly went insane on the spot. No, I did go insane. Umbra had to slap me back to reality, quite literally."
Laurel shook her head, "She couldn't have done that if you were truly insane. That's not how insanity works. You brought yourself back, she said. Counting pi, which I must say is so utterly 'Brainiac' it hurts. You couldn't have done that if you were genuinely insane. Querl, you didn't snap; you snapped back." She plucked a branch of pussy willow from a nearby vase and applied pressure to its tip, bending it back. It bent and bent and bent and bent nearly double, but wouldn't break. And when she let go....
Querl folded his arms and looked away, "They're personality suppressors. I know that."
"And yet you kept them, even knowing what they were doing to you, to your mind."
"What do you want from me?" He was shivering now and knew that he was lashing out because she was right. She was hitting everything he'd been avoiding thinking about, with regard to his implants.
She looked puzzled, "You asked why I didn't have any images of you from after your upgrade; I'm answering. I don't have any because the one who came out of the Anomaly wasn't the one I loved." She pushed her hair out of her face with a sigh, "I thought you were gone forever. I thought the Anomaly had... 'killed' you. But then you started coming back."
"I started 'coming back', as you put it, after my mother tried to kill me!" he snarled.
"By electrocuting you through your implants."
Querl fell silent. He hadn't thought of that... no, he had, but he hadn't admitted it to himself, wouldn't allow himself to consider it - that his mother might have damaged the suppressors and allowed his natural personality to start seeping through. "When they failed..."
"If they were suppressing you, your mind would fight that. Grife, a human mind will fight back, a Daxamite mind will fight, there's no way your mind wasn't fighting back against all that pressure, and winning. Then the pressure wasn't there anymore.."
"And I went insane, Laurel!"
"No, you did not. Insanity doesn't work that way, it's organic, and you know that. You've got ninety-three doctorates-"
"..one hundred fourteen now.."
"-including medicine and psyche. You know that insanity doesn't work like that." Querl said nothing. He knew, and he hadn't allowed himself to think about that, either. He felt her take his hands again and let her draw him near. "I'm afraid those things are keeping you dependant on them," she said softly.
"For what purpose?"
"I don't know," she admitted, "I don't know why the Anomaly changed us. It took me ages to shake off its effects and I still haven't fully explored the powers that it gave me. I don't want to. The more I've thought about it, the more I'm convinced that the Anomaly wasn't benevolent."
"You were the one who led us to it," he said defensively.
"I know," she said simply, "But you didn't see it coming either. If Mr. 12th-Level Intelligence didn't spot it as a trap, I can hardly blame myself for not seeing it either."
Querl felt his blood go cold. "....Trap?"
"All of us who were brought into the Anomaly - you, me, Kinetix, Gates, Umbra and M'Onel - we all had problems fitting into the group. We didn't do the group-mind thing, we stayed independant thinkers. We were the ones most likely to think for ourselves. The Anomaly changed that for reasons of its own, and we still don't know what purpose it had in doing so. But the way it rewrote you and practically erased Kinetix, I don't think it was good. My fear is that those implants have been keeping you dependant on them by making you afraid."
"And you'd prefer I removed them."
She shook her head, "I'm not trying to make you do anything. You're recovered and you're 'you' again, so it's fine. You asked a question which doesn't have a good answer. I could take the easy way out, but you've always been honest with me; I can't be any less honest with you. If they're that important to you, then there's no argument. Just remember, I love you, not your implants."
He pressed his face against her shoulder. "My life has been much more comfortable with artificially enhanced social skills," he admitted softly, "But...I need you more. The thought of you being disappointed in me, or dissatisfied in any way...it's more than I can bear."
She hugged him tighter, "I'm not disappointed and I'm not dissatisfied. I fell in love with you when you were a cold-hearted bastard who kept everyone at arm's length, and I love you now, when you're a warm-hearted bastard who keeps everyone at arm's length."
"But you loved me best the way I really am," Querl whispered wonderingly, "That's something nobody has ever done before."
"That's not quite true either," Laurel replied softly, "I bet I can name six other people who'd tell you you don't need artificial enhancements for them to love you." Querl snorted, disbelieving. She counted off on her fingers, "Lyle, Rond, Imra, Ayla, Gates and Mr. Brande."
Querl jerked back and stared at her, mouth agape. "Considering that you've been absent for so long, your assessment shows remarkable accuracy. If you limit the choices to actual Legionnaires, substitute Chameleon and Umbra for Rond and Brande."
"I wondered about Chameleon, yes. Umbra is... not much of a surprise, after what you told me. However, Rond and Mr. Brande should not be discounted. They've known you longer than anyone in the Legion." She chuckled, "Mr. Brande just loves you. He talks about you like you were his favorite grandson."
"He only loves me for my mind," Querl demurred, "...I suppose I have more friends than I truly believed."
"Friends who've accepted you no matter what you threw at them. And defended you. And care about you to let you know when you really *have* crossed the line. And all of them felt that way before you got the implants," Laurel said softly, brushing his bangs back, "It might not be a wide social net, but it's a deep one."
Querl turned away. He was shaking and running with sweat, though his limbs felt like ice. He felt nauseated and on the verge of tears. He'd had his implants for years and never let himself question what they were doing or why. He never let himself question the drastic change in his personality, even though Doctor Gym'Ll had had conniptions about it. He never let Doctor Gym'Ll perform the scans that might have revealed what the implants were doing. He never let himself see the possible connections between his mother's electrocuting his implants and the subsequent re-emergence of his natural personality. He'd recognised, and admitted to Gates, that he wasn't sure he wanted the empathy that the implants induced in him... yet he still clung to them. A holoimage caught his eye, of himself and Rond on Talos, wearing their Very Serious Scientist expressions and giving each other bunny-ears. He closed his eyes, trying to shut it out, then wondered why.
He was dimly aware of Laurel crossing the room and placing a sign on the door before closing it. 'In session' or something, probably. 'Dealing with 12th Level basketcase.' Sprock her, she's uncanny. What is she, part-Titanian or something? It's like she reads my mind, but she finds all the things I don't want anyone to know. ...including me. Mother sprocking Andromeda... no wonder they're making her a saint. She's right. She's right and it's all things that I should have been concerned about, I should have considered all of it and I didn't... wouldn't... What the sprock am I so afraid of?? The answer welled up from deep within and he pushed it away. That's ridiculous. Am I that much of a child, to be afraid of losing all my friends? Am I that afraid of.. of me? The answer rose, bubbling up through the years of being feared and excluded, called a freak, left to robots, kicked off-world and thrown to the U.P.'s monkeys, meeting his forebears and seeing what they'd become, erupting with a force that brought him gasping to his knees, YES!!
..sprock, it's begun already and I haven't even turned them off! he thought as waves of terror washed over him, It's no wonder everybody's afraid of me. Even my name, 'Brainiac', I might as well hang a sign around my neck saying 'I'm going to go crazy and kill a lot of people some day, just so you know.' 'Hello, my name is Brainiac 5, you killed my whatever, prepare to die.' Grife, I can't turn them off, I can't, everybody'll hate me again...
"What am I, chopped liver?" Querl's eyes snapped open. Lyle? No.. grife, that sounded real. Auditory hallucination? Maybe I am losing it. Or maybe I'm just trying to tell myself something. Great, now I'm channelling Laurel. He became aware of Laurel's heartbeat next to his ear, her arms around him. This is ridiculous! He closed his eyes and concentrated.
There was no external sign until he opened his eyes and looked into her face - then she could see what he had done. ...bends and bends and bends until you let go, and then it snaps back hard. Grife, Querl, what have you been doing to your self? She sat crosslegged on the rug and pulled him into her lap. "I love you," she whispered, "Just hang onto that. I love you."
Querl clung to her, face buried against her shoulder, all but screaming as his tears soaked her shirt. It seemed to go on endlessly, but eventually the howling sobs subsided to choked gasps. He struggled to speak, his voice breaking. He swallowed hard and tried again. "There is nothing I would not do for you. Nothing I would not attempt to do even if I were certain of failure. What I feel for you...it's so much bigger than I am. I can't hold it all inside me." He laughed suddenly, then bit down on it. "It's so much bigger than me."
"Tell me."
He drew back from her and raised his face, unashamedly wet with tears. His eyes glowed like emeralds in full sunlight. "Saying I love you isn't enough," he rasped, "The first time I saw you it was like...it was like being the first man who discovered what fire was. I couldn't look away from you. I wanted to burn you into my memory and carry you with me always. I loved you before I knew what love was."
Laurel sighed, "I was such a bitch. I always wondered why you carried such a torch for me, for so long."
"I can't deny that baser instincts likely played a part," Querl chuckled, "But it wasn't just your beauty that attracted me. You were as out of place as I was, especially in the early days, and you didn't want to be there any more than I did."
"No, I didn't," she admitted, then half-smiled, "You made it bearable, even though I didn't show it very well."
"You were better than you knew. I could see it, I could see your attitude changing, I began to hope--if you could change, maybe so could I. Then...then you 'died.'" His face crumpled and the tears started fresh.
Laurel sighed ruefully, "I didn't know for months that Violet had told everyone I'd died."
"It felt like life had blown a hole through me. I was walking around, I was functioning after a fashion, but part of me I'd never known existed was gone. Everything was gray. Lifeless. Nothing could fill the void in me."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that. But at the time, I didn't know."
"I understand that," he said, nodding eagerly, "I don't blame you for any of it. When you came back...it was like someone opened a door and the light came pouring back in. Everything was sharp and clear again." He was smiling big now. "I'd never been so happy, but I didn't know how to express it." Laurel's smile was touched with sadness as she brushed the tears off his cheeks - she knew what happened to that happiness. "And then--" His voice broke again and he cleared his throat, "You left again. I wouldn't even try to stop you. If I could have told you everything, everything I was feeling...if I could have even asked to go with you...but I couldn't. I just couldn't. The words wouldn't come."
She looked regretful, "I was.. hoping you'd ask me why.... I would have told you why.. all of it, everything. It hurt that you just dismissed me. For a long time, I thought you didn't want me anymore."
"I...never...stopped...wanting...you." Each word was rough with emphasis, "I could sooner stop my own heart." He swallowed hard. He seemed to be a bit more in control now, she noticed. "And then you joined a nunnery. That was a bit of a surprise." He laughed sharply, suddenly and she grinned. "And then the Anomaly happened...and then the Blight happened...and then everyone thought I was dead along with half the Legion...never a dull moment, really." Another bitter bark of a laugh. "But I never forgot about you."
"I was sent to work here on Durla and I had the breakthrough I was searching for, the one even the Anomaly couldn't give me."
"The best place to look for answers is inside yourself."
Laurel reached out to cup his cheek. "Listen to yourself," she said softly.
Querl stared at her for several minutes, then looked away. "Grife," he muttered, pressing a hand to his forehead, "I'm getting a headache... Are we done yet?"
"Come here," she said and lightly pressed her hand against his forehead. The Anomaly had given her strange energy-manipulating powers and she'd found she could sometimes manipulate the body's electromagnetic fields. A tension headache caused by emotional stress, that wasn't difficult. Her palm warmed as her power signalled nerves, causing muscles to relax, easing the pain.
"Dilation of the cranial blood vessels and dissipation of muscle tension. That's one way to cure a headache."
"That's generally what causes a stress headache," she smiled.
"I'm sure you perform this service for all the semi-psychotic geniuses with severe emotional developmental problems you encounter."
"Oh quite," she giggled.
"I did try to warn you, you know. I'm difficult to deal with when I'm off my meds." He tapped the now-inert implant on his cheek.
Laurel feigned surprise, "Are you? I hadn't even realized."
"I'd hit you for that if I wouldn't break my hand," Querl half-smirked.
Laurel grinned and shook her head, "Honestly, Querl, you're not difficult to deal with. Not for me, not after what else I've had to deal with. Now unmedicated schizophrenic Durlans, that's difficult." Querl looked so surprised she had to giggle. "And you got nothin' on Daxamite PMS, I'm just sayin'."
"I thought you were like that all the time," Querl smirked, wiping his face. He was feeling more contained now and the terror was gone. He wondered if Laurel were right about that too, about it being induced. "I suppose I have some decisions to make."
"Maybe give it a month," Laurel suggested, "Give yourself a month to get used to being unsuppressed. Your brain's been fighting under a lot of pressure; it'll take some time to settle out."
"I suppose that's wise," he sighed.
"Wisdom comes from self," Laurel grinned, "They're on the same points of the Stars of Valor."
"Do you ever stop nunning?"
"Do you ever stop Brainiacing?" She giggled and hugged him, "How are you feeling now?"
"Better, I suppose. Less like an exploding star, as Umbra put it."
"Good," she smooched his forehead, "I think what you need right now is a cup of tea, a nap, and another shag, in that order."
Querl laughed, "You're the expert. My education in the metaphysical areas is sorely lacking, so I cannot dispute your prescription."
They went out to the kitchen, startling a Durlan in traditional robes. Laurel spoke a few words in Durlan then switched back to Interlac, "This is Lior, one of the l'ri-an here. She doesn't speak much Interlac." The Durlan regarded Querl for a moment, then shifted into the 'friendly orange alien' form favoured by her kind when meeting outworlders.
"And my Durlan is atrocious," Querl said in that language. "You don't have to do that on my account," he told Lior, who looked startled, "One of my friends is Durlan. I'm quite accustomed to the natural Durlan form and this is your homeworld."
Lior inclined her head. "Your accent is strange. Welcome." She turned to look at Laurel, "Are we still gaming tonight, Sister Andromeda?"
"Yes!"
Querl looked mildly interested, "What sort of game? Your order continues to defy established assumptions about nuns, so I presume you don't mean bingo."
"Bingo?! Nooooooo - GURPS."
"What?!" Querl's jaw dropped and a grin spread over his face, "You play GURPS?"
"Yeah," Laurel grinned, "I usually play clerics and mages, occasionally warriors. And Sparks."
"Sparks?! How do you know about... wait, of course, how else - Lyle."
"That's what we're playing tonight. You want in?"
Querl grinned, "Hy'm dere, sveethot!"
And special aww-inspiring bonus pic by EmbyQuinn
