Crack from Charybdis: Muse on the Warpath
Muse on the Warpath
Dedicated to: dragonladyk, emily_anne
Special Thanks to: classics_lover
From his seat, Theo!muse watched in amusement as Elizabeth!muse briskly walked through the doors looking very much like an angry bull. She pushed the muses Murtogg and Mullroy out of her way. And Theo!muse could not hold back his guffaws as the muses James and Andrew practically leapt out of her path. One had to admire the spirit that possessed Elizabeth!muse once her temper was riled.
After a moment, however, Theo!muse’s amusement faded to give way to an acute fear as he realized where Elizabeth!muse’s feet took her. And, as she approached the weapons rack, Theo!muse wondered whether, instead of keeping his seat, it would be more advisable to flee the room. The look on her face told him that she was out for blood.
Had she learned of sprkysage’s plan to write an AU fic that killed-off James and paired her with Andrew? Theo!muse wondered to himself, fearing for the life of the hapless author.
He recalled how, long ago, Elizabeth!muse, despite her truce with Andrew, made it inescapably clear that she would do the author a great harm if ever she paired her with him.
No, Theo!muse concluded. The author would never mistreat muses.
Theo!muse turned his attention back to Elizabeth!muse, who was wildly sharpening one of the exquisite swords belonging to James!muse--- bloodlust still shining in her eyes. There could only be one that could truly inspire such bloodlust within the girl who usually preferred to use wits over violence.
“What did she do now?” Theo!muse asked.
“Who?” Andrew!muse asked.
“The Carmichael girl?” James!muse ventured tentatively as a guess.
“No,” Theo!muse shot back at them with a hiss that he hoped Elizabeth!muse did not hear. “Only the one with The Jaw of Doom can light fire to that temper.”
“DO NOT MENTION HER!!!!” Elizabeth!muse bellowed, brandishing the sword--- inexpertly and quite clumsily, it seemed to Theo!muse.
Though, the unpredictable way she was flailing the sword around, she was bound to take someone’s head off with the weapon. Theo!muse did not want to accidentally lose an ear, eyeball, or limb. So he inched his way slowly toward the door before speaking again.
“How has the horrible girl wronged you, now?” he asked, once he felt that he was a safe distance away from the oscillating sword.
“She is no ‘girl,’” Elizabeth!muse said, slicing clean through a wooden chair. “She is a horse--- a horse that does not know when to be quiet, forever neighing nonsense and stupidity.”
As Theo!muse noticed that Andrew!muse and James!muse were crawling on the floor, trying to put a safe distance between their bodies and Elizabeth!muse’s sword, he bit his cheeks to keep from letting loose the reflexive chuckle that might well end his life.
“What did the horse say?” Theo!muse asked, hoping to talk down Elizabeth!muse’s temper.
“I'm 21 now and I'm onto very different things, but it's fun to try to invest Elizabeth with some rebellious spirit. But what I'm doing in 'Atonement' is very different. I mean, she is a grown-up woman!” Elizabeth!muse said vapidly and condescendingly, using an accent which modified her voice in such a way that made her sound like she had plums in her cheeks. Theo!muse was suddenly beset with the urge to rip his ears from his head.
He looked down to find James!muse and Andrew!muse holding the sides of their heads in pain. Apparently, they were similarly affected by Elizabeth!muse’s imitation of The Jaw. He was about to speak when Elizabeth!muse continued.
“If I come across as anything less than a grown woman, it is not my fault!” Elizabeth!muse spat. “I may not be perfect, but I am not the capriciously childish whore she would have the masses of people believe me to be! She and that quartet of lecherous fools are the reason that your fans feel the need to verbally abuse my character. And she is the reason that I even have the horrible qualities that she implies that I have shackled her with.”
And, with sword in tow, Elizabeth!muse charged the doorway.
Theo!muse quickly dove out of her way and, when she passed him, he scrambled to his feet. He helped his two compatriots up from the floor. Then, he quickly scurried to catch up with the incensed female muse, looking over his shoulder to make sure that the other two naval muses were following. The scene threatened to get ugly, and he believed that, should it be necessary, Elizabeth!muse should have her fellow muses to rescue her should The Jaw have a stunt woman or an explosives team to protect her.
*_*_*
Marianne!muse watched as the three blood-covered muse-boys walked through the doorway. Of the three naval officers, the only one whose face was not covered completely by blood was the face belonging to Theo!muse. However, seeing how his features had been rearranged in a frozen expression of shock made her wish that his face had been obscured by a thick glaze of blood.
“She’s finally done it then?” Marianne!muse asked. “Has she killed the girl?”
“She’s killed a girl, yes,” Andrew!muse said.
“She didn’t go insane and kill our author?” Marianne!muse asked bluntly.
“No, she did not,” James!muse answered. “Nor did she kill the object of her unadulterated loathing.”
“Is she dead?!!” Marianne!muse asked in alarm.
“No,” Theo!muse said, sounding like it took great effort for him to speak. “But that she lives is a miracle.”
“I am afraid that I do not understand,” Marianne!muse said.
“You should have seen it!” Andrew!muse said excitedly. “It was truly a sight to be seen--- particularly from an untrained girl.”
“You see, there were arrows flying through the air,” Theo!muse interjected.
“Arrows?”
“Looking for that diva nemesis of hers, we stumbled into the Middle Ages,” Andrew!muse said. “There were Romans and there were Picts.”
“Arrows went flying through the air,” James!muse said, animated and enthused. “And Elizabeth, with no sense of technique and flailing about like a marionette without strings, waves the sword through the air. By luck alone, she sliced through every arrow that came flying toward us.”
“She then charged the camp of blue people as if propelled by the special powers of The Mythic Sue,” Theo!muse continued. “She was convinced that she would find the diva-girl in their ranks--- as the scene we had just stumbled upon looked to be some fantastical imagining done by The ‘Great’ Pyromaniac.’”
“Lo, and behold, in the very center of the camp, and under a glowing light that appeared to shine from nowhere, Elizabeth found a girl with a face resembling a horse, lips protruding in the manner of a fish, and blue color smothered all over her face,” James!muse said, wearing a satisfied smirk.
“And without a word,” Andrew!muse said, his voice oozing with awe, “Elizabeth marched up to the girl and used the sword to draw and quarter her. When she was done, she picked up the head, and threw it toward the Romans who were, themselves, charging the camp.”
“Blood from the head went flying everywhere,” Theo!muse said with a shudder.
“Though, once the Romans realized what was being thrown at them, the lot of them went running in the other direction!” James!muse exclaimed with much amusement.
“The camp of blue people then started to throw the other bits of her body at the Romans,” Andrew!muse said. “Some even attached pieces of the body to their arrows before shooting them at the Romans.”
“And even more blood went flying through the air,” Theo!muse said, flatly.
“It was not until the end of the battle that Elizabeth bothered to explain to the blue people why she brutally maimed the woman who appeared to be their leader,” James!muse said, bowing his head slightly.
“Whilst the woman may have looked a great deal like Elizabeth’s defamer,” Andrew!muse said, “She was decidedly someone else.”
“Elizabeth murdered and mutilated the muse, Lady Gweneviere !” Theo!muse shouted.
“Tsk, tsk, Theo,” James!muse chided. “Murder is a very strong word to use--- particularly since it is entirely possible for the blue people to resurrect the woman.”
“They need only find every piece of her mutilated body,” Andrew!muse said.
Simultaneously, all four muses shuddered.
“Where is Elizabeth now?” Marianne!muse asked, despite the fact that she feared the answer.
“Still looking for her defamer,” James!muse answered.
“I hope she finds her,” Marianne!muse said. “It would be such a terrible shame for Elizabeth to mistakenly mutilate Jennifer Ehle.”
The three male muses groaned and pelted her with their bloodied hats.
Author's Note:
An exoskeleton of this piece had been rattling around in my brain-- first inspired by the NDL fic "Saving the World One Sue at A Time" (author unknown). What pushed me to actually write this fic was the quote that you see linked in the actual body of this piece...
That, and I wanted to write something to cheer up emily_anne-- she knows why. (Though, it took me so long to finish this, that she probably doesn't need cheering up anymore.) And I also (a really long time ago-- over two years now) promised to write something completely crack!tastic for dragonladyk... It took me a while, but I did it.
Special thanks to classics_lover who beta'd this.
Feedback, constructive criticism, and any general comments about the piece are both welcome and highly encouraged...
Dedicated to: dragonladyk, emily_anne
Special Thanks to: classics_lover
From his seat, Theo!muse watched in amusement as Elizabeth!muse briskly walked through the doors looking very much like an angry bull. She pushed the muses Murtogg and Mullroy out of her way. And Theo!muse could not hold back his guffaws as the muses James and Andrew practically leapt out of her path. One had to admire the spirit that possessed Elizabeth!muse once her temper was riled.
After a moment, however, Theo!muse’s amusement faded to give way to an acute fear as he realized where Elizabeth!muse’s feet took her. And, as she approached the weapons rack, Theo!muse wondered whether, instead of keeping his seat, it would be more advisable to flee the room. The look on her face told him that she was out for blood.
Had she learned of sprkysage’s plan to write an AU fic that killed-off James and paired her with Andrew? Theo!muse wondered to himself, fearing for the life of the hapless author.
He recalled how, long ago, Elizabeth!muse, despite her truce with Andrew, made it inescapably clear that she would do the author a great harm if ever she paired her with him.
No, Theo!muse concluded. The author would never mistreat muses.
Theo!muse turned his attention back to Elizabeth!muse, who was wildly sharpening one of the exquisite swords belonging to James!muse--- bloodlust still shining in her eyes. There could only be one that could truly inspire such bloodlust within the girl who usually preferred to use wits over violence.
“What did she do now?” Theo!muse asked.
“Who?” Andrew!muse asked.
“The Carmichael girl?” James!muse ventured tentatively as a guess.
“No,” Theo!muse shot back at them with a hiss that he hoped Elizabeth!muse did not hear. “Only the one with The Jaw of Doom can light fire to that temper.”
“DO NOT MENTION HER!!!!” Elizabeth!muse bellowed, brandishing the sword--- inexpertly and quite clumsily, it seemed to Theo!muse.
Though, the unpredictable way she was flailing the sword around, she was bound to take someone’s head off with the weapon. Theo!muse did not want to accidentally lose an ear, eyeball, or limb. So he inched his way slowly toward the door before speaking again.
“How has the horrible girl wronged you, now?” he asked, once he felt that he was a safe distance away from the oscillating sword.
“She is no ‘girl,’” Elizabeth!muse said, slicing clean through a wooden chair. “She is a horse--- a horse that does not know when to be quiet, forever neighing nonsense and stupidity.”
As Theo!muse noticed that Andrew!muse and James!muse were crawling on the floor, trying to put a safe distance between their bodies and Elizabeth!muse’s sword, he bit his cheeks to keep from letting loose the reflexive chuckle that might well end his life.
“What did the horse say?” Theo!muse asked, hoping to talk down Elizabeth!muse’s temper.
“I'm 21 now and I'm onto very different things, but it's fun to try to invest Elizabeth with some rebellious spirit. But what I'm doing in 'Atonement' is very different. I mean, she is a grown-up woman!” Elizabeth!muse said vapidly and condescendingly, using an accent which modified her voice in such a way that made her sound like she had plums in her cheeks. Theo!muse was suddenly beset with the urge to rip his ears from his head.
He looked down to find James!muse and Andrew!muse holding the sides of their heads in pain. Apparently, they were similarly affected by Elizabeth!muse’s imitation of The Jaw. He was about to speak when Elizabeth!muse continued.
“If I come across as anything less than a grown woman, it is not my fault!” Elizabeth!muse spat. “I may not be perfect, but I am not the capriciously childish whore she would have the masses of people believe me to be! She and that quartet of lecherous fools are the reason that your fans feel the need to verbally abuse my character. And she is the reason that I even have the horrible qualities that she implies that I have shackled her with.”
And, with sword in tow, Elizabeth!muse charged the doorway.
Theo!muse quickly dove out of her way and, when she passed him, he scrambled to his feet. He helped his two compatriots up from the floor. Then, he quickly scurried to catch up with the incensed female muse, looking over his shoulder to make sure that the other two naval muses were following. The scene threatened to get ugly, and he believed that, should it be necessary, Elizabeth!muse should have her fellow muses to rescue her should The Jaw have a stunt woman or an explosives team to protect her.
*_*_*
Marianne!muse watched as the three blood-covered muse-boys walked through the doorway. Of the three naval officers, the only one whose face was not covered completely by blood was the face belonging to Theo!muse. However, seeing how his features had been rearranged in a frozen expression of shock made her wish that his face had been obscured by a thick glaze of blood.
“She’s finally done it then?” Marianne!muse asked. “Has she killed the girl?”
“She’s killed a girl, yes,” Andrew!muse said.
“She didn’t go insane and kill our author?” Marianne!muse asked bluntly.
“No, she did not,” James!muse answered. “Nor did she kill the object of her unadulterated loathing.”
“Is she dead?!!” Marianne!muse asked in alarm.
“No,” Theo!muse said, sounding like it took great effort for him to speak. “But that she lives is a miracle.”
“I am afraid that I do not understand,” Marianne!muse said.
“You should have seen it!” Andrew!muse said excitedly. “It was truly a sight to be seen--- particularly from an untrained girl.”
“You see, there were arrows flying through the air,” Theo!muse interjected.
“Arrows?”
“Looking for that diva nemesis of hers, we stumbled into the Middle Ages,” Andrew!muse said. “There were Romans and there were Picts.”
“Arrows went flying through the air,” James!muse said, animated and enthused. “And Elizabeth, with no sense of technique and flailing about like a marionette without strings, waves the sword through the air. By luck alone, she sliced through every arrow that came flying toward us.”
“She then charged the camp of blue people as if propelled by the special powers of The Mythic Sue,” Theo!muse continued. “She was convinced that she would find the diva-girl in their ranks--- as the scene we had just stumbled upon looked to be some fantastical imagining done by The ‘Great’ Pyromaniac.’”
“Lo, and behold, in the very center of the camp, and under a glowing light that appeared to shine from nowhere, Elizabeth found a girl with a face resembling a horse, lips protruding in the manner of a fish, and blue color smothered all over her face,” James!muse said, wearing a satisfied smirk.
“And without a word,” Andrew!muse said, his voice oozing with awe, “Elizabeth marched up to the girl and used the sword to draw and quarter her. When she was done, she picked up the head, and threw it toward the Romans who were, themselves, charging the camp.”
“Blood from the head went flying everywhere,” Theo!muse said with a shudder.
“Though, once the Romans realized what was being thrown at them, the lot of them went running in the other direction!” James!muse exclaimed with much amusement.
“The camp of blue people then started to throw the other bits of her body at the Romans,” Andrew!muse said. “Some even attached pieces of the body to their arrows before shooting them at the Romans.”
“And even more blood went flying through the air,” Theo!muse said, flatly.
“It was not until the end of the battle that Elizabeth bothered to explain to the blue people why she brutally maimed the woman who appeared to be their leader,” James!muse said, bowing his head slightly.
“Whilst the woman may have looked a great deal like Elizabeth’s defamer,” Andrew!muse said, “She was decidedly someone else.”
“Elizabeth murdered and mutilated the muse, Lady Gweneviere !” Theo!muse shouted.
“Tsk, tsk, Theo,” James!muse chided. “Murder is a very strong word to use--- particularly since it is entirely possible for the blue people to resurrect the woman.”
“They need only find every piece of her mutilated body,” Andrew!muse said.
Simultaneously, all four muses shuddered.
“Where is Elizabeth now?” Marianne!muse asked, despite the fact that she feared the answer.
“Still looking for her defamer,” James!muse answered.
“I hope she finds her,” Marianne!muse said. “It would be such a terrible shame for Elizabeth to mistakenly mutilate Jennifer Ehle.”
The three male muses groaned and pelted her with their bloodied hats.
Author's Note:
An exoskeleton of this piece had been rattling around in my brain-- first inspired by the NDL fic "Saving the World One Sue at A Time" (author unknown). What pushed me to actually write this fic was the quote that you see linked in the actual body of this piece...
That, and I wanted to write something to cheer up emily_anne-- she knows why. (Though, it took me so long to finish this, that she probably doesn't need cheering up anymore.) And I also (a really long time ago-- over two years now) promised to write something completely crack!tastic for dragonladyk... It took me a while, but I did it.
Special thanks to classics_lover who beta'd this.
Feedback, constructive criticism, and any general comments about the piece are both welcome and highly encouraged...