Embers (part one) [Kingdom Hearts, Axel/Roxas/Naminé, R]

[syvia]

Title: Embers (Part One)
Author/Artist: syvia
Rating: R
Warnings: Adult language, situations
Word Count: 10743 (and counting)
Summary: If you want the story of a Nobody- ask the Nobody himself.
Prompt: - Kingdom Hearts, Axel/Roxas/Naminé: Warmth/companionship - "Whenever I'm with them, I feel like I have my heart back."
Author's Notes: My betas are awesome, *introduces you again to osmandias and crimsoncookie* and they keep encouraging me as well as slapping me over the head when I need it. :D


Maybe you think this started with Roxas.

Which shows you know jack shit about Nobodies.

We don't start things.

We are the leftovers of other people's shit. People's wars, people's abuse, people's curiosity. We don't start things.

We finish them.

The Heartless started it.

Once upon a time some inky black bug siezured across a world and tore out this heart and some asshole named Lea died.

Let me tell you- it fucking hurt.

Along came Axel.

Not that I called myself Axel as soon as I dropped into being.

I woke up and I could remember everything- my clothes were bloody, my chest ached like I could still feel the little bastard's claws in my ribcage. No wound, but I knew where it had been. I could still feel it.

Never really got rid of that feeling either.

Seemed useless to just sit there. I was in the middle of the city, ripped clothes, stuck, confused, watching things disappear under wave after wave of Darkness. I got up and to the side of the street just before a mob of screaming people began to shove past and I stood there, wondering why I didn't care. Didn't care that they were screaming, didn't care they were about to die, didn't care that I was in danger from them or the Heartless or the whole city going to hell around me. Heartless skittered right past, ignored me- they'd already torn out the tastiest bit and had better things to munch on.

They left me behind- everyone worried about other things. I couldn't work up enough energy to freak out, chase after them, whatever. None of it seemed important. I'd lost something.

I had to find it. So I started walking.

Walked through the streets, past all kinds of panic and violent shit. I didn't mind the fires- never have. At one point I stood near one- got closer, and it didn't feel the same. I reached out, ready to pull back again, ready to protect myself. There's always been something in me that wanted to burn... something that kept me from burning up. I've never had a sunburn. Ever. I don't tan ether, but those are the breaks. Fire could cause pain, but I could touch it longer than most before it started to hurt. That had changed. I got my skin as close to the fire as I normally could. It was fire- like fire always was. But I was different.

I stuck my hand in it- felt it burning all over but not me, like there was nothing there to burn. I stepped closer. My shirt sleeve caught on fire, burned upward. I didn't give a shit. I stepped into the damn fire and felt it all around me, hot, hungry. My clothes burnt to ash but not my skin or fingernails or even hair and I didn't feel a damn thing.

I didn't know then that I'd get really familiar with that song and dance.

The fact that I took time to loot a store for something else to wear- that I tried on the clothes instead of grabbing the first thing I saw- should have clued me in. I thought about it a little. It did occur to me that I should have been a screaming maniac like the rest of the people out in the streets. I just... didn't have it in me.

Once dressed, I went back to searching. I walked- when I got hungry and there was some convenient place, I stopped in for a burger, a bottle of beer, whatever was there- whatever I decided. I was hungry but not for anything in particular.

It was a big city. Did I mention that? Walked all damn night and still didn't get out of it. At some point I got tired of walking, sat down in the middle of the street to watch it burn.

Beautiful sight.

Not having a heart is a double-edged sword, when ya' think about it. I sat down, watched the destruction- couldn't get the full impact, but if I'd had a heart, I would have been running and screaming, not watching at all, see?

I don't know how long I watched before I realized I was being watched by a very large man in a very large coat.

"Hey," I said, because it's fun to do what people don't expect. People expect you to ask who they are- what's going on- all that cliché shit in books and television.

"Good evening," the guy said, like a fucking vampire or something just as melodramatic. His outfit was wrong for that gig, I thought. Somewhere down the street I could hear glass breaking and a woman's scream.

"Is it?" I smirked even though it really wasn't that funny. I'm just ironic that way.

"For some."

It's not that Lexaeus is Mr. Cryptic- he's just concise. Also polite. I shrugged.

"You've got a point." I didn't stand up, and he didn't sit down. I think he would have come closer, except he already had to crane his hood to look at me. "So... you go by the theater on fifth? Double feature every Saturday."

"This world is going to fall." His voice is deep like mountains are huge and like I said, he's concise. Doesn't waste words. He might have a sense of humor, but I've never heard him tell a joke. He doesn't bother. "Even now I can feel the earth breaking apart."

"Wow," I said, deadpan, "so this day gets better."

"You can wait here for it to be devoured by Darkness, or come with me."

He said it like those were the only two options- like the possibility wasn't even there that I might survive that and end up somewhere else. Not that I would have figured that out. At the time, it didn't occur to me. I thought about my family, thought about everything around me.

Then I thought about calling this guy a moron. Fall. Sounded ridiculous. Worlds didn't fall, they orbited. Every grade-school kid knew that. The world spins around the sun, eventually the sun burns up and everyone fries. When I was still a kid, I hoped it would happen when I was alive to see it.

Be careful what you wish for.

Didn't get my wish anyway- death by Darkness sucked.

I didn't think, right then that it was possible to leave. That world didn't have any way to travel through space- the idea that people could was unproven theory. I didn't believe him. So I gave him a lazy grin, got to my feet and brushed the concrete dust off my ass. Didn't worry about not being able to see his face- didn't worry that he was talking like a crazy person. The rest of the world had gone insane and I was pretty damn sure I'd gone with it.

"Sure," I drawled. "When do we leave?"

He stepped up to me and it was only then I realized just how abnormally huge he was. Dropped a hand like a small boulder around half my upper arm. Then I was blind- tried to pull away. I felt cold- like I'd felt with the Heartless all around me, and I remembered them stabbing, tearing. I wanted to fight but I didn't have a weapon. My hands burst into flame. Then we were somewhere else- I was still blind, but everything was white instead of black and he let me go.

Now, I've never been stupid, but I sure as hell have been ignorant. I wouldn't actually believe that I was on another world until they showed me the huge fucking heart-shaped moon in the sky, but that would come later.

I pulled away from Lexaeus, blinking and my hands burning (yes, it was weird, but I wasn't worried about it)- hit a wall and stayed there like I was stuck. If I had to fight, it was good to have my back against something. I kept blinking, hands up, listened to the muttering going on around me.

"Curious reaction," and the owner of the voice didn't sound happy, kinda like ice cracking when you dropped it into hot soup. Oh, he and I were going to get along great- I could tell.

"Number V, welcome back."

I could see a little better- a bunch of guys in the same outfit as my giant helper, who was pulling down his hood. The face was just as rocky as his voice sounded. The rest of them already had their hoods down. Turned out that I wasn't blind- and it wasn't bright... okay it was bright, but it was also white, all over. Made looking at the Elders almost a relief.

The second voice was smooth when it spoke again, smooth and too soft, like that irritating telemarketer calling you up right in the middle of dinner and acting like they've been your best friend since you were still young enough to take naked baths with other people and not notice their genitals. It would take me a long time to realize that voice failed to piss me off because of the lack-of-heart, instead of me being so bad-ass and in control that I could ignore it.

It still sounded wrong, made me wary. Worse when he turned and looked right at me- and what a time to get my sight back- smiled.

Xemnas could shrivel a man's balls with that smile. Seriously. Another reason to be happy about losing your heart.

Hah.

"Welcome to the Organization, Number VIII."

Roxas doesn't come next. He doesn't even come soon- there are about three years and five Nobodies between me and him. But yeah, it's mostly boring.

I'll give you a recap;

Meet Xemnas, almighty fucking Superior. Except he's not almighty- he just does a really good job of making you think he knows it all. He doesn't fuck any of the staff, so far as I know, and he'd be a lot less dangerous if it were only his attitude that was superior.

Meet Xigbar, second in command. Quick mouth, quick trigger finger, attitude, acts like his jokes are funnier than they really are. Except how the hell should I know? Even when I had a heart, my sense of humor wasn't normal. Don't let the one eye fool ya- he's got good aim. Better than he should have.

Xaldin, number three (do ya see the pattern I'm working here?). The man with a dozen pointy objects. Both ends of each spear count- commit that to memory. If he looks happy, it's a good idea to run. Now most of the Organization will fuck with your head- it's in the job description- and Xaldin isn't the best at it... but he's the one who looks like he anticipates it. He smiles, you're just about to feel the pain.

Meet Vexen... on second thought don't meet him. Don't meet any of them. You'll live longer.

Anyway, Vexen. Ice, needles, and that's when he's getting to know you. He's a scientist- all the Elders are/were/are scientists, but that's Vexen's end-all. You need him for something, he's in the labs. But you learn damn quick not to need him for anything. He prefers not to be bothered, and you go into the labs, he retaliates by signing you up for at least one examination. Said exam usually results in a temporary loss of clothing.

Lexaeus, mister big himself. Yeah- I've already covered this guy, but for all that he's taller than everyone else, he doesn't look down on people. More irony?

Zexion would be the one who's better at mindfuck. He's more creative and more subtle, and he doesn't start gloating about what he's done until after there's no way to reverse it. He'll smile and smile and be polite and all of a sudden he's got your mental balls in a sling and he's starting to twist. Everyone's better off that he doesn't have a heart to enjoy it and go out looking for victims.

Those are the Elders. Heads of the Organization, scientists-turned-Nobodies, mommy, daddy and both sets of grandparents over everyone else. Don't ever ask which ones are the women. Although seriously- Zexion and Lexaeus had a married-couple thing going.

It's not like I was anyone really important back on my world- middle-class kid with a bigger appreciation for fire than most. Guy starting in the work force, held a job in the corporate world a little better than the rest because I knew how to play the back-biting back-stabbing game, but I did it as little as possible. I saved it for the important shit, so people who hadn't been on the receiving end thought they could trust me- didn't warn anyone else- right up until they felt the knife in their backs.

Point is, I was used to taking orders until I saw a way to get ahead. I wasn't used to being hauled up and whisked away into la-la land and forced to join someone's Super Secret club just because I had a harder time dying than the rest of the population. Oh don't let them fool you- it's force. Sure, you're asked all nice and polite, there's all that talk about loss of hearts and it's so tragic and you scratch (all of) our backs we'll (possibly) scratch yours. They talk a good game, but in the end, where else can you go? I'd just gotten pulled off my world by a smoky black cloud and a guy in a big leather jacket. I didn't know where I was, I didn't know how to get out, and they smiled and stared and told me they didn't have hearts and neither did I.

Not that I found any of it upsetting. It explained the ache in my chest. It explained why I just couldn't react the right way to anything going on around me.

Okay, that was sarcasm, kids. No, I didn't believe them.

Skepticism is healthy and I'm a bit healthier than most. What they said made sense in a crazy, impossible kind of way, but you stay safer if you assume everyone's got an angle. That way you take what you hear with a grain of salt, and you don't get so caught up in belief that you ignore things to contradict it. I figured I was in shock- I figured any minute now the false calm would wear off and I'd have a nervous breakdown, or even wake up from the nightmare.

Fuck. I'd still love to wake up.

Either way I listened and nodded and didn't believe. Not that they tried to convince me. I got knowing looks, smirks, little 'you'll learn' glances and when they asked I said 'Sure, I'll be in your club. No girls allowed, right?' because at that point there wasn't a better option.

That didn't mean I wasn't going to watch for one.

The only other member at the time was Saїx- Xemnas' devoted flunky and all around ass-kicker. He's usually mellow, collected- but like it comes from knowing he could rip your throat out if you started to annoy him. Because he could. Number seven, first Neophyte.

If the Organization were a company, Xemnas would be the president. Xigbar would be the vice president, and everyone else three-through-six would be partners. All the little Neophytes are assistants. Go-fers. Grunts. Some more favored than others, yeah, but the point is- the people higher than you own your ass.

Some of the Organization to come after me would have serious problems with that position. Not used to having a row of assholes sitting on high and controlling their lives. It would work against them; not realizing until too late how badly those assholes, as a unified front, could fuck up your shit.

I figured out pretty quickly that there was a difference between us and them and entertained the idea that Saїx and I had common ground- maybe we'd get along because of it. I didn't entertain it for long, so the idea got bored and left. I blame my missing heart. Nobodies don't cling to each other because they want friends or fuckbuddies or anything like a human relationship. Nobodies cling to other Nobodies for the sole purpose of keeping their memories up and existing.

You might notice me repeating myself in this story. Get used to it. Nobodies do that. The second one of us loses the memories of what we were- what we had- is the second we turn into one of those little white Dusks running around everywhere.

The void in their heads, matching their chests, is what does it- and it's why very, very few of us have ever been stupid enough to face off against Xemnas. Void is his 'element'. It's what he commands- what he does. Nothingness, reducing things to nothing. He doesn't take what made you survive losing your heart- he takes what kept you individual, what gave you personality. The strength of memory that keeps you looking and feeling mostly human.

When you stare into the face of that spell, you back the fuck down.

That's what I learned over the next three years. How to deal with my new boss, his partners, a lot of shit about not having a heart and how it redefines everything we do- 'how close the threat of dissolution looms' and what you have to do to keep from fading. Other worlds, how to walk through Darkness, how to twist fire and make it into a weapon. So, not all bad. Most of it annoying. Believe it or not, it helps to have a job.

Yes, burning down worlds and creating interesting new Heartless is a job. I didn't say it was a good job, but it's a job.

Or would you rather I did it as a hobby?

It gives you a sense of routine, somewhere to go, something to accomplish- because Xemnas can say 'we're collecting hearts to make Kingdom Hearts. When Kingdom Hearts is finished, we can exist fully and completely.' He can say that- and does. Frequently. Which is just great for him. But the rest of us- well, me anyway- need smaller goals. Actions to perform and tasks to complete and shit to do so we aren't just sitting around and contemplating our non-lives.

I'm not like Demyx. I don't delude myself. I know- now, having had time to think about it and get used to being what I am- I don't have a heart. Or if it's not exactly my heart that's missing, something sure as hell is. Something that makes me not work right- that puts this fucking nagging unending ache right under my ribcage.

Because, see... I don't care.

I drop into worlds, ruin people's lives, end them, burn houses down with the people screaming inside as the lucky ones die from smoke inhalation. I've sliced up warriors who fought, cursing me for killing their families. I've slaughtered whole races and watched their worlds crumble into darkness.

I remember the face of an old man I killed- the first one I'd killed with weapons instead of fire. I remember he slumped against me as he died and I still had him by the collar, his blood running down my arm and a little into my sleeve. His eyes were brown- looked gold in the fire light and he stared at me as he bled out. I remember it was warm.

I remember thinking- he was harmless. Just trying to get out of the house- just trying to survive. Didn't put up a fight. Looked so shocked when he died. It's a human life, and now it's over. I remember thinking- this is a shame, a waste.

I remember the house falling down around me because I was so focused on trying to convince myself of that.

Right now, thinking about it, I know I should feel remorse, or guilt or something. I mean- a moral person doesn't do those things. Moral people don't steal from other people, they don't destroy, they don't kill. They have respect for other lives... or they don't want to have to deal with the emotional shit that'll result from doing those things. I think about that and you know how I feel?

Exactly.

We'll fool ya though. Anyone in the Organization looks human enough to pretend that they are. It's how we blend in with the populations we're about to decrease. It's how we interact with the ones we aren't. It's how we communicate with each other- set boundaries. Most of all- it's how we stay. Remember being human so we'll still know how to do it once we finally get our hearts back, maybe. Remember being human so we stay what we are, definitely. But in the back of our heads- it's all fake. All an act. But it's a damn good act- and it keeps us going.

Demyx came next- and he pretends he's still human. He's better at gaining trust than I am- than most of us are. He acts silly, kind of a spaz, and tries to convince himself that he has a heart, by trying to convince everyone else. He's more dangerous than he looks because people fall for it. Turn your back on the ocean and you'll get your feet knocked out from under you.

Then Luxord, because every Organization needs that swanky asshole who likes to gamble, right? Another mindjob, but he treats everything like a game. Doesn't mean you don't have to take him seriously, but he's not always out for blood. Problem is, like you'd expect- he's got a hell of a poker face. You never know when he's playing for keeps.

Marluxia's the one who had the most trouble adjusting. Whoever he used to be- he didn't take orders from anyone, or he did and resented the hell out of it. I got the sense early on that he was in charge somewhere- was used to getting his way. Not like the spoiled brats I had for brothers- like the corporate sharks I used to work for. He'd twist you around to get what he wanted and make you think it was your decision. He was Number XI but he never acted like it.

Larxene- here to break all the rules by being the first (and only, but that's later) woman in the Organization. Bitch and a half and proud of it. Another mindjob, another one who smiles about it. She's sharp, good for a laugh- as fake as it is. She's too sweet, too malicious and too smug about it- over the top.

She gets carried away- like an old guy talking too loud as overcompensation for his own deafness.

But that's a Nobody for ya.

Twelve of us then- working, fighting, fucking with each other's heads, each in our own special ways. Had to. Had to get a reaction- prove your own damn existence to yourself. You bitch about each other, you spar, you tease, you get the shit beaten out of you if you go too far. You get threats, you give 'em.

But no one gives a shit.

It's empty gestures that don't mean jack, except if we stopped we'd most likely stop caring enough that we'd fade. Then we'd never get our hearts back. Xemnas keeps the apathy from spiraling out of control by threatening to Dusk us for the big shit and even that reminds us that, oh wait- yeah, we do want to keep existing.

There's a lot we do out of need- survival instinct.

The Elders have suggested that's the only thing left to us. No emotions but a drive to keep going- a need to find something that'll fill the emptiness, stop that damn ache.

So we bitch more, take more risks, have more sex- better when it's with a human, they react without effort- eat, drink and fucking pretend to be merry because we're already dead, kill more, fight more.

Good example of what you do when you're that motivated to survive. Me, I was a city kid with a nice family and only a little experience kicking the shit out of people who gave me a hard time in school. The firepower was new. That kind of thing was normal in my world. Not widespread, but normal. Still, I'd never done it.

So it's not like I joined the Organization knowing how to kick ass. But. If you want to survive, you fucking learn. I had more experience than I have time to talk about on and off the worlds we were tearing down. Xemnas wanted his toy soldiers to survive and bring him more hearts. So we got training, and we got practice, and we got backup during missions until we could be trusted not to get our asses ripped apart.

Meet my teachers; necessity, invention, and Xaldin.

The Organization specializes in a trial-by-fire method of training.

Ha. Ha-hah.

They toss you into a fight against someone with every fucking advantage over you and say 'have fun'.

No, seriously- that is what Xigbar said.

Xaldin summoned his cavalcade of lances and told me to pick a weapon.

"Where did those come from," I asked, "hammer-space?"

He smirked. No clue if he got the reference or not. "If you wish to defend yourself, you will find out."

So we danced around the room for a while- he came after me seriously enough to draw blood, but not like he was trying to kill me and I had time to think- I sure as hell had time to play with fire and attack him with it, but fire doesn't work against the wind. Well no, I take that back. It works just fine. In the wind's favor.

I couldn't win that way- got desperate enough to need something else. I latched onto the idea of a pair of wind and fire wheels (chakrams for anyone who doesn't feel like listening to Xigbar make lame jokes about popping a wheelie) my uncle had bought who-knew where and hung on his wall. I remembered them- wanted them, maybe.

Heat flared just beside my hands- flames, then molten metal, then something that was just cool enough to touch. Xaldin backed off when he got the reaction he'd been working at and we both looked at them.

"Very pretty," he said. "Now use them."

Use them? Fucking use them- I barely knew what they were. I'd never touched the ones on my uncle's wall, much less knew how to use them.

But if you want to survive, you learn- or you experiment until you make something up. I made up all kinds of shit on my own time and in the practice ring, including a flaming-chakram-to-the-fucking-head attack. When the Elders sent me to train up Marluxia he absolutely loved it.

Remember that- it'll be relevant later.

No, Roxas isn't next.

Well, sort of yes, sort of no. See, when I got to the Castle that Never Was, adjacent to the City that Never Was, all situated in the World that Never was (I never did figure out who names everything in that place but it's proof that someone's sense of irony survived), they had a heart-shaped moon they called Kingdom Hearts. It was fairly huge.

Now, it's bigger.

It was around back then and hearts kept adding to it; the Mouse King running around with his mighty-mighty Keyblade. Then Heartless activity started picking up a few years later and we got Luxord, Marluxia and Larxene inside of four months. You could see the size difference from week to week. When the change was visible day-by-day, we had new players and a second Keyblade Master to pay attention to.

That would be Sora.

Not that I knew much. When it started to be relevant, he was added to the list of 'people to watch out for'. Not that I was told much about that either-

"A group of life-forms from various worlds have allied themselves with Darkness and are causing elevated levels of Heartless activity. Should you cross paths with one of them, do not hinder their plans- observe and report their intent. On many worlds, they are doing our work for us."

and

"If ya see a guy that looks like Xemnas with freaky hair and a darker complexion, run the fuck away."

and then

"There is another Keyblade Master moving about the Worlds. He travels with two warriors from Disney Castle and works to stop the Heartless calling itself 'Ansem'. If you see him, set a few Heartless in his path, but not enough to overwhelm him. He does our work even better than the King."

So I did. Saw him on Agrabah. Cute kid- more than a little naive and kinda clumsy with the Keyblade, but he was a quick study. Have to be when you've got Fat Bandits popping up every five seconds.

That was me- I admit it. 'M not sorry and I never will be.

The Organization does gossip like little old ladies do knitting and when Sora started making waves, it was pretty much all about him. The Elders muttered about his heart, Vexen was practically smacking his lips at the thought of getting him under a knife- maybe a few choice bits under a microscope. Saїx would ask about his style of fighting and Larxene would listen in- both of them itching for a go but not about to do it without permission.

Marluxia smiled, and it was obvious he had an Idea. Usually Ideas in this game are bad for any number seven or higher but he said,

"Just imagine how progress could accelerate if we controlled the Keyblade."

"Aww," I said, "you got a case of blade envy, Marluxia?"

Larxene stroked a hand down his arm and joined in like she had a habit of doing, "How silly," and she leered, "when yours is so much bigger."

He looked at me like he was trying to make me uncomfortable. I smirked, mostly to myself, because it didn't work, but it would have. "One need not hold a sword to wield it."

Even then he was looking for an angle- looking for a way to get more power. Approaching people and making nice, poking around for allies. I'd stopped looking for a way out long before Marluxia came along, but I never realized it until I saw him doing the same thing. Maybe it was because he was still young- still thinking like a human. Maybe it was more about his personality and some kind of delusion that he could run things better than Xemnas. Maybe his Dusks fawned on him, how the fuck should I know? I'd never had aspirations of command.

I'd found my niche in the Organization between Demyx' delusions of feeling and Saїx' obedient brutality. I knew how things worked, knew how to make them work for me and knew how to work around when I needed to. I knew when to back down and when to push an issue. I understood the Elders and I could obey them without giving the unquestioning loyalty Saїx did. I'd taught myself how to fight and when I was given a job, I got it done.

Well fuck, when I put it that way, it's no wonder Marluxia treated me like a chick he was trying to talk into bed.

That's something else that'll be relevant later.

Let me tell you about the Realm of Darkness.

Shit doesn't stay in one place there, but there's a lot of it. People, places, objects fall in and out of it all the time. Makes it easier to move through and not get stuck. It's like a river of tar that hangs out in mid-air.

What? I never said all my metaphors were genius.

When you travel through Darkness, you go in one side of the river and come out the other. Now, you move through quick and hard and some Darkness will stick to you, but you'll get out again easy. You stay inside, you can still move, but it depends on how strong you are how far you can move- and how long before the Darkness drags you down and suffocates you. That's the way it is for a human.

Hearts are pulled under more quickly than people and pop out again as Heartless. It takes a Keyblade to pull the Darkness off again and free the heart, which goes to Kingdom Hearts.

Nobodies have an easier time- it's like the tar can't cling to us because we're 'not really there'. We move through like it's water, and we can stick around as long as we want. So can the Heartless.

So can... other things.

But like I said- water. It moves, it twists, and sometimes it's easy to get lost in. When you use a portal, you have to know your destination at the start. The realm of Darkness doesn't have landmarks or street signs. If it did, they'd be wrong- or they'd always be changing. Even if something can survive in Darkness, even if it stays perfectly still, the realm itself moves it around. I found a beach one time- whole fucking beach right in the middle of the Darkness- water, sand, rock formations and a little moon. Sleepy little place, nice for a break. I had to stick around for a few hours to fix the look of it in my mind before I left. I knew I'd never find it again if I didn't take a portal directly there.

That's why, when I had patrol duty and found the Castle- even though it was fucking huge and visible from a long ways off, I got there and I stayed there. I didn't go back to Never Was to report- it could have taken weeks to find the damn thing again- I sent a Dusk to tell Xemnas and took a walk around the outside.

Orange walls, green towers sticking out in every direction that didn't look like they'd hold a pixie upright. Odd even by the standards I'd gotten used to- which is saying a lot.

I walked, looked, loitered around the front door for a while before I called a squad of my own Dusks to look around the inside. My Assassins. They were people like I was a person, but they can't remember it as well. Still- they're around, they need a purpose. They decide to borrow mine and take a shape that looks a lot like my chakrams in flexible pieces. Like they're making themselves into my weapons. The relationship is weird. It's not like I made them or have any feelings for them. They follow me around, expect me to give them direction. They're useful. It works.

The name wasn't ironic then- just what they were. They hid, came up to you silent, cut you down from behind before you ever realized they were there. They always took out their target- even if they went down too. That wasn't ironic either, back then.

So they scouted. I stood around and waited for something to happen. Maybe they'd find something, maybe they wouldn't. Eventually someone back at the Castle would respond.

Eventually someone did. I turned around and saw three portals, three hooded figures coming out. You don't have to know the Organization by build if you're in it. You get used to the feel of them- the smell, a little. There's not a World in the universe where I wouldn't feel Vexen moving towards me. Our powers are too different- too antagonistic. Saїx and Marluxia flanked him. One of my Dusks draped itself over my shoulder.

The Superior was not there, Liege. We sought the next Highest.

I've never been sure if they're so attuned to me that I don't have to talk, or if I'm talking without words when I order the Assassins around. Either way, it zipped off into the castle's open door to meet up with it's peers and report.

"I'm flattered, Vexen. Never seen you bring so many guests to one of my parties."

"It no longer is your party, Number VIII." Vexen did have his issues, rank being the biggest.

"Oh, I'd never dream of ordering you around." I bowed a little, heard him scoff and waited for them to go in before me. Vexen took it as his due, Saїx was there to enforce him, and I never gave Marluxia my back. Neither did anyone else with more sense than pride. I didn't know what one-through-three were doing if Vexen was the highest number at the castle. Xemnas didn't leave home that often.

The castle didn't look like much on the inside- white walls, white doors, white floors and white ceilings. Blank wall opposite the door, up staircase on one side of the room, down staircase on the other side.

My Dusk came back, swam through the floor and ignored the glare Vexen was giving it when it reported to me instead of him.

Heartless abide. Nothing more, Liege.

"Fine," Vexen said. "Axel, take Marluxia and investigate the upper floors. Saїx," and he took the stairs.

I smirked at Marluxia. "Shall we?"

Halfway up the first staircase, he wanted to chat.

"What do you think of this place?"

I glanced at him, staring at me, smiling a little. "I dunno. Looks like home. Same great scenery, same decor." I smirked back and didn't think much of it.

"Perhaps it could be home," he said.

"Thinking of moving out?"

"I think the Organization would gather hearts more effectively if there were more than one seat of control."

Three guesses who he thought should have the other seat.

"You think so?" I asked, softly, like I was actually considering the idea.

"I think there are... improvements that could be made," and he didn't say to what. "Perhaps another castle would allow those improvements the chance to be implemented, and when it is revealed how effective they are, the change could spread."

I grunted. "Call it an experiment and maybe you'll get the Elders to go along with it." Tossing out words, like I always did- but Marluxia's gaze sharpened and I thought about pulling my wheels 'Just in case the Heartless showed up.'

We looked in every room, on every floor, and didn't find a damn thing but white, and more white. The whole place was blank, like it just got here, or it had been waiting.

Then we got to the top of the castle.

"Can we say waste of time? There's nothing here," I said.

Marluxia was standing by one of the walls, arm stretched out with his hand on it. He kept petting it like an animal or one of those flowers he seemed to make for shits and giggles.

"Oh no," he said, staring at it. "There is a great deal of potential."

He sounded like he was talking to himself, not to me, but I don't mind listening in.

"I can feel it beneath my hand, aware... the roots sown in Darkness and growing out, responsive to my power."

This from the guy who talked to plant life- who could also command plant life. I smiled, was about to say something. Then I turned around, drawing my weapons, heard Marluxia pulling his scythe. Something had just dropped in on us and it wasn't Heartless.

It was a girl.

Little thing, lying on the floor with her eyes closed. Seemed like she was sleeping. I didn't think we're going to need the weapons for this one. Barefoot with a little white sundress, young-looking. Reminded me of a china doll my sister had- cute and breakable.

"She appeared within the castle," Marluxia said.

I could have said how obvious that was, or that I'd been standing right there when it happened, so of course I already knew that. But he brought up a good point. She hadn't come in to the castle like we did. She had appeared.

"New arrival." I put the wheels of fiery death away and walked over to her. Marluxia made some kind of noise that was almost a word, but never got there. He wasn't the most interesting one in the room anymore. I knelt beside the girl- checked her pulse, which was a little pointless, but it confirmed she didn't have one. Two fingers on her neck, then she shifted, putting her cheek under my hand- then her hand on mine. Probably looking for warmth.

I heard Marluxia's boots on the floor but I wasn't paying attention. Then a portal opened.

"Xemnas wants ya, flame-kit. We've got a new recruit in Twilight Town."

That was different. Two Nobodies turning up close together? Xigbar gave Marluxia a long look and I turned to see what he was staring at. 'It' was Marluxia with his scythe still out, acting like a threat, almost ready to attack. He didn't look any safer when he put the weapon away.

"We've got a new recruit here," I told Xigbar. I stood up, took my hand away and smirked a little- she tried to keep holding it. I turned to face Marluxia and Xigbar walked over to the girl. He was glaring at me. For the first time in a very long time, I knew I was a moron. What had I said, just a little while ago? That's right- I don't give Marluxia my back. Some skinny little kid in a white dress pops up and what do I do?

It was like that random bruise you find two days after you banged your hip on the edge of the table. You didn't pay much attention when it happened, but later you notice it's there and have to really think to figure out where the hell you got it.

"Go on, kid," Xigbar said. He was looking at the girl, but if Marluxia caught him out it was his own ass- and I didn't know why I was thinking about it. Still watching XI, I took the portal.

I knew Twilight Town- everyone did. It sits on the edge of Darkness without any signs of Heartless upheaval and makes for an easy crossing. It's one of those 'Last Chance Saloon' deals you'd see in stories about people taking a trip into the wasteland. If it had a sign, it would say 'Last Signs of Humanity'.

The portal dropped me into the courtyard in front of some abandoned mansion run by who-knew-what rich old recluse that didn't seem to live there anymore. Xemnas was standing there with a kid- little, just as doll-like as the girl. Prettiest eyes I'd ever seen with not a damn thing in them.

"Axel," the kid spoke first, "Number VIII, the Flurry of Dancing Flames."

I blinked, smirked at him, glanced at Xemnas and back. "What, did you memorize it?"

No facial reaction, but he answered quick enough. "I might as well. I don't have anything else." His voice was just as dead as the eyes.

"Really?" His face looked like someone I'd seen before, but I couldn't remember who.

"His name is Roxas," the Superior put a hand on the kid's shoulder, smiling. "You will show him around Twilight Town. Acquaint him with the intricacies of the Somebodies. I will send for you when it is time to return."

It wasn't like his name was hard to decode. Didn't take much effort to figure out why Xemnas wanted Roxas out of Never Was until after he talked to the rest of the Organization either.

"Sure," I smirked for them. "Why not?"

You ask a kid as goody-goody as the Keyblade Master, even without a heart, to do our kind of work, and you're gonna stir up moral issues. If the kid didn't remember anything, that was good. Xemnas wouldn't need threats or blackmail- Roxas was just as lost as the rest of us- more than, if he didn't have memories.

But if he didn't have memories, how the fuck was he stable in the first place?

Xemnas left and I did what we usually do in a new situation that had basis in my past. Fell back on memory.

You'd think a Nobody would be able to change their behavioral patterns easier than somebodies. Humans get stuck in a rut- they deal with this situation this way and they refuse to switch around, no matter what shit is or isn't getting done. Familiarity or something- because they don't just stick with the things they like. Boring and unpleasant shit can be your rut just as easy. Nobodies stick to theirs just as hard- harder sometimes- because we're, say it with me, 'keeping our memories strong'. It's easier to start a new pattern, but without caring whether the patterns are good or bad or about whatever emotions the damn things should be producing, why the fuck would we bother?

That's another thing that's easier for the younger Nobodies. The more human you act, the more you can change.

Yeah, I told you I'd repeat myself. Remember that and you won't be as surprised next time.

So what did I do? I sent a Dusk to Never Was with my coat and gloves- matching the kid in his 'birthday outfit'. Xemnas would give him the uniform or not, later. Right now the kid was supposed to watch humans. You walk into a typical group of somebodies with a black leather coat and you're the one who's gonna be watched. I look slightly less conspicuous in black pants and a shirt. Lots of compliments on the boots.

I had two brothers and a sister back home- all younger. They'd been going through the 'sullen teenager, no one understands me' thing when they died. Roxas wasn't sullen, but the silence was close enough.

"You're too blank."

He turned to me. Still blank.

"Look kid, I know you don't feel it-" I smirked, "because I don't either. But you have to have some facial expression. Watching people is good," I waved a hand vaguely towards the passers-by, "keep it up. But after you get a handle on what they're doing, do it."

Still blank. This called for more inventive measures. I dropped a hand on his shoulder and pulled him into one of the novelty shops we were strolling past. Two aisles of hair-care products into the store I found the mirrors, grabbed one and wrapped Roxas' hand around it.

"This is you. Look how cute you are."

He blinked. "Cute?"

A reaction at last. Not an emotional one, but at least he was talking.

"Let's start with that," I said. Kid was gonna get the basics of acting human and he was going to get them now. The child-face with the robot-expression was a crime against sanity. Besides- the Nobody Face was a good intimidation tactic. If he wore it all the time people would get used to it and it'd lose the shock value.

"Now you can react any way you want- but most boys your age get told they're cute, they get annoyed. Example-" I half-glared at him, twisting my lips like I was sucking on a lemon. "Now you try it," I said, holding the expression.

The kid's lips twitched a little.

"Look at your face in the mirror and match what I'm doing," I said, still grimacing.

It didn't take him long to get his forehead to furrow the right way and we stood there 'glaring' at each other. One of the clerks approached us.

"Sir?"

"That," I told Roxas, pointing at her, "is nervous."

Roxas followed my finger, dropped the grimace and started to copy the clerk. She blinked. Roxas looked at her change in expression and glanced at me.

"She didn't hold it long enough."

"Now she's confused," I offered.

Roxas stared at her again, then started to copy confusion, his eyes darting from the clerk to the hand-mirror and back again. I waited until he seemed to have gotten it, tapped him on the shoulder.

"Next one-" then to the clerk I said, "Acting lessons."

Her brow smoothed and her mouth made an 'o' as she nodded.

"That one when you understand what was confusing."

Roxas tried to copy it while the clerk switched again.

"Amusement," I said off-hand and, "how much for the mirror?"

I paid, hung the bag they'd offered around Roxas arm and steered him through the streets of Twilight Town as he made faces at himself. We got plenty of reactions- all good examples. It was still obvious he had to stop, remember what the expression looked like, and mimic it. Still, progress.

"It's not just about acting like somebodies," I explained. "It's making them do things. Watch." I stopped us beside an ice-cream cart. There was a girl working it, looked a little younger than I do. I leered at her and she blushed, grinned.

"Hey," I said it in a drawl and the blush got worse. "You wanna help us out? My friend's never had ice-cream before- no clue what he'd like the taste of," I shifted my weight, leaning a little closer to her. "Maybe you could suggest something."

The chick stuttered a couple of suggestions before letting us have five bars for the price of two.

"If I'd talked to her like I did the woman in the hair place," I explained after we'd left the cart, "we wouldn't have gotten free ice cream. Alter the delivery and you get different results."

He still looked blank, pulled a bar from the new bag on his arm. He felt it all over like he was checking for bugs. Finally opened it. Then he smelled it, poked it, pinched it in his fingers till it melted. Licked them off, smelled it some more, shoved the end of the bar in his mouth.

He was a baby. A baby that knew how to walk and talk, but was oblivious as fuck. He was an innocent- and not the pansy, white-wearing pious-ass idiotic version of innocence. He... didn't know anything.

I could imagine what some of the others would do to him and it wouldn't be pretty.

Might be entertaining though.

I stopped him at the corner of the street, just before it went into the Sandlot. The local riff-raff was stirring up trouble with the rest of the riff-raff.

"Here you've got all different types of reactions in one place," I said, flipping a hand at them. The kid in the ratty ski-cap was picking a fight with the shorter, violent blond. Again. I'd seen this exchange almost every time I'd come to Twilight Town. Blond-kid's friends stood behind him, worried. The girl tried to calm things down, the chubby kid made jokes and asked if they couldn't just go do something else. On the other side, ski-cap sneered and kept trying to pick a fight. The muscle-head grinned like a moron and repeated choice phrases from ski-cap's speech. The other girl stood and looked a little bored. Sometimes she backed up ski-cap. The boy in the big hat looked nervous and ready to run at a moment's notice.

I explained all of it to Roxas and let him watch. The argument- shouting match which eventually wound up a Struggle thing- went on for a while.

"Should I act like one of them?"

I smirked. "I dunno. What do you think?"

"Most of them are weak. That one," he pointed at ski-cap, "provokes because he knows the other one can't beat him." Ski-cap was gloating at his fallen opponent. The blond hurt when he got up, it was obvious, but he picked himself off the ground and glared. Roxas glanced at me, then back at the kids. "They aren't fighting about anything important."

That's a Nobody's way of thinking- and an animal's. If you aren't fighting for survival, why bother? If you are fighting for survival (working for a reaction counts- remember that we have to fight off apathy) you fight to the death and you kick the other guy's ass. Sometimes metaphorically, but- yeah.

"So what would you do?"

"I'd ignore him unless he started something."

"What if he did start something?" I asked.

His expression was still dead, but his voice had something in it, "I'd win."

I nodded. "Show me."

He glanced at me, put down his bags and went for a walk. Now I had meant for him to show me. By fighting me.

I thought about calling him back- wouldn't want to get the Superior's new toy roughed up the first day, right? But I'd seen the Keyblade Bearer fight. He wasn't half bad. He was way better than ski-cap boy. Roxas shouldn't be any worse. I grabbed the bags, pulled out one of the slightly melted ice cream bars and moved closer to watch the fun.

Roxas strode up, ignored the staring and took the bat from the blond's hand.

"Out of my way," he said, and proceeded to ignore the kid.

Ski-cap sneered. "Another loser enters the ring."

The blond looked angry. "I don't need help-"

"Hayner!" his friends grabbed him, pulled him out of range.

Roxas handed ski-cap's ass to him in under five minutes. I know- I timed him. Could have done it faster, but it looked like he was getting the feel of the bat- like he was used to something different. Made sense. But- I watched him watching the kid- like he was studying for a test. I smirked. By the end of the fight, Roxas was grimacing, smirking, grunting softly with the effort of a particularly violent thrust. The test was blending in with the somebodies and Roxas had gone out for some field research.

He still kinda sucked at faking emotions.

He kicked ass with a struggle bat.

Roxas didn't stick around for conversation. When ski-cap was down, he stepped back, watched the kid's friends run up to help him. He waited until it was obvious they didn't want a rematch and turned to leave.

I applauded, ice-cream stick between my teeth. "You wanted a souvenir?" I asked, pointing at the bat. He looked at it like he'd forgotten he was holding it.

"Hey, he can have it if he wants," the blond kid limped over with his friends trying to help him. "It's not like I can fight him for it."

"But it should be mounted on the wall," the chubby kid said grandly. "With a glass case and a plaque that says 'This is the Struggle Bat that knocked Seifer Almasy on his butt.'"

"I'll have the memory," the blond kid grinned. "That's enough."

They stood there smiling and waited for some kind of response. Roxas didn't know what kind to give, so he stood there and stared at them. Kid still needed to work on a default expression other than the Nobody Face. I waited until the natives started to squirm a little.

"Well, Roxas, what do you say?" I smirked.

We'd had this talk. I wondered how long it would take him to either start glaring like a normal kid would, or he didn't have to be prompted.

"Thanks," he said flatly. They nodded- a little too quickly.

I got up, saluted the kids and walked off. Roxas followed. I heard the chubby boy's voice behind us, softly enough that he wasn't trying to be heard.

"Maybe he's not all there."

It was worth a laugh, so I did.

The struggle bat didn't fit into the bag with the hand mirror. We tried anyway. One ice cream and a few more examples of social interaction later, Roxas stopped in the middle of the street and stared at the clock tower in the center of the city.

"You wanna go up there?"

He just looked at me. I smirked, shook my head and glanced around before opening a portal.

"See, kid," I put a hand on his shoulder, steered him into the Darkness and followed. Our exit point was the upper ledge at the back of the tower. "Something you should know about the Organization is they want a reaction. It's a good idea to give them one."

"Why?"

No worry, no defensiveness. He was just looking for info.

"Because they'll push harder if you don't." I kept my hand on his shoulder, kept walking around the ledge until we got to the front. Then he started walking on his own- moved to the center and stood, staring at the sunset.

As sunsets go, Twilight Town has one of the better ones- but it goes on all day. Loses the effect. You couldn't have told Roxas that. He stared like it was the first beautiful thing he'd ever seen. I took a seat.

After a while I grabbed his wrist and pulled until he did too. The bags clinked between us and I fished out the last two ice cream bars. I passed one to him, unwrapped the other.

"Just like you don't wanna start a fight unless you've got a reason, you don't wanna let one start because you ignored someone that wanted your attention."

He was looking at me. Maybe he was listening.

"Look," I said, "what did Xemnas tell you?"

I felt a Dusk hanging around- reached out for it. We weren't being called back yet, but since we were out of the heart-filled public, the lesser Nobodies would come close- in case we wanted them. I sent it for my coat. The tower was as good a place as any to end the day, chat with the kid and wait. I worked on the ice cream.

Roxas was thinking and I waited for him to answer me. He pulled the edges of the wrapper apart, slow and methodical, seemed to be checking how it was put together. When he finally picked up the bar, I took the wrapper. I crumpled both of ours in my hand and lit them on fire. Roxas blinked, squinted at the flames and stared at me. New info. Something else to memorize.

He had no memories and no heart.

Why the fuck wasn't he like the rest of the little Dusks?

He kept staring. "He told me I have no heart. He said 'a new you'. He asked me if I wanted to understand..."

Not much. Not anything concrete. "There are thir- fourteen, of us. Twelve in the Organization, I don't know much about the other kid, and you're the newest. We don't have hearts, but supposedly if we collect enough of them, it'll build a new world. We go there... new hearts will be there waiting for us- replace what we lost."

Roxas ate his ice cream. Now that I think back... that bar was probably Sea-Salt. Maybe it's my fault he got obsessed with the flavor.

I've done worse.

"They'll want you to join," I said. Not that I knew it for sure, but Xemnas was flakey- not an idiot. A Keyblade Master's Nobody would be useful, strong as the heart had to be to own a weapon like that. Roxas had skills. If Xemnas didn't make the offer (and why the hell not- he'd pulled me in) I'd argue for the kid.

"Okay."

I blinked, looked at him. He'd finished the ice cream and kept turning the stick over in his fingers. "Just like that?" Meanwhile I'd joined the Organization with less intro than Roxas was getting. He looked at me. I had to grin- he looked confused and it was nearly convincing. I scratched my head a little. "Look- are you thinking about any of this before you answer?"

He stuck with confused. Anything was better than the blank look.

"Xemnas said I should do what you told me to," he said.

Well, if he was going to be in the Organization, "Okay. Yeah. Following orders is a good idea. Some of the others will make you pay for it if you don't- but you gotta use your head, make your own decisions. When someone gives you an order, think 'Gee, is this a good idea?'"

This would liven things up around the Castle. The last thing we needed was another mindless go-fer. If the kid started making waves, it would unbalance people, shake them up, divert attention. All good things if you could use them.

Not that I had plans, but I'd realized that same day that I'd had plans and lost them at some point. Maybe it was time to make new ones.

That was another trick Xemnas used to keep us in line- get everyone comfy in their ruts, used to obeying whatever he said like good little Nobodies. Then the Organization ran itself. He didn't have to worry about anyone stepping out of line, doing things he didn't want them to, not following orders.

But where was the fun in that?

When I was younger, my sister went around blurting out all kinds of shit my parents didn't want their party guests to know. Really great when your five-year-old walks up to your next-door neighbor and says 'mommy thinks your dog is ugly and doesn't like him for pooping in our yard'.

Well, I remember thinking it was funny.

I didn't expect Roxas to understand discretion. Hell, he couldn't hold a facial expression for five minutes- what did he know about secrets? How was he supposed to know that if Larxene ordered him to drop an explosive in Vexen's lab, he should either tell her to fuck off or do it and then run away?

I grinned because Roxas wasn't experienced enough to know it meant trouble. I wondered if Xemnas realized he had pretty much handed me a stick of dynamite without bothering to say 'hold this, but don't light it'.

No reason to hold back. I decided to light the fuse and see how long it burned.

"Look- I said it before. The Organization likes a reaction. Some of them like fucking around with others and you're not gonna be an exception. Some of them will want to use you to fuck around with other members. But that can get you into more trouble when you do what they say than it will if you tell them to go fuck themselves."

"How do I know what to do?"

"Pay attention," I said. "Ask questions. Remember that there's a pecking order and even though you're at the bottom, the higher the number telling you what to do, the more important it is to do it. So if Xigbar ever tells you to separate a bowl of candy by color and Marluxia tells you to kill some Heartless-"

Roxas blinked. "Sort the candy?"

"Sort the candy," I nodded.

I'm part of an evil Organization. Literally. What the fuck do you expect?

"Most important thing is to pay attention to them and how they act around each other- think about what it means. If you don't get it, come and ask me."

More fun. Maybe the kid would start to think for himself or follow my direction. Whichever, as long as it was entertaining.

The Dusk got back with my clothes- dropped them on the ledge beside me. I pulled on the gloves, stood up and shrugged on my coat. Roxas stared at the Dusk. I couldn't hear anything but it swam through the air and wriggled in front of him, staring back, maybe. They stayed like that until the Dusk looked up, heard something I didn't, and disappeared.

"Another thing," I said. "You're too literal."

I explained the fine art of sarcasm until a Dusk showed up with another coat and orders to report back. Roxas took it, stood up and let the coat unfold. I poked a finger into his shoulder.

"You put it on, Xemnas is gonna assume you're joining up. Think about it."

It was a joke. Like Xemnas would let him get away. Like he had somewhere else to go. Like he didn't want his heart back- even if he somehow didn't understand why he wanted it or what he was missing because he didn't have it. The tiniest, most idiotic Dusk knows that it wants its heart back and some of them don't have two memories to rub together.

Maybe he was just doing what I'd told him- like he'd do what everyone else told him. Maybe I was wasting my time. But he paused and stared out at Twilight Town's sunset.

He was still staring as he put on the coat.

~~~

Part Two