Saiyuki (Gonou/Kanan)
Title: A Garden Enclosed
Author:
aonekosama
Rating: R
Warnings: Incest
Word count: 3011
A/N: Talking about last minute... Few. Thank you
flyagainhero and
khar_muur for listening to my complaints concerning this piece. ^^
For prompt: Saiyuki, Gonou/Kanan - Incest, First time - getting over the taboo
A Garden Enclosed
* * *
"A garden enclosed..."
Yes, that's exactly what she is to me, Gonou thought, his fingers stroking absently the pages of the book he was holding, his bare feet tapping the smooth, old floor. Something I can't touch, something I shouldn't touch. Something I should not even want to touch. She is not mine, and it's wrong to want her to be. It's wrong to want her. But sometimes I can't help but wonder, if...
Light footsteps on the gravel outside startled him. A shadow swished by the window, then there was rustle of paper and a small thump. Gonou lifted his gaze to see the doorknob turn and bright afternoon sunlight spill in from the opening doorway. There was rustle again and Kanan stepped in, carrying a large brown paper bag on her arms. She kicked the door shut and lowered the bag onto the small kitchen counter.
"Welcome home, Kanan." Gonou smiled at her from his seat at the small table beside a window. He made to get up, but Kanan waved at him to stay put.
"Don't bother, I can put these away myself." She lifted vegetables and other groceries out of the bag and into the cupboards, the hem of her pale blue summer dress fluttering around her legs as she moved. One narrow shoulder strap slid off her shoulder and she absently corrected it, the motion so automatic and easy she must have been used to it falling.
"You're home early." And you seem so distant again today.
"Well..." She laughed, but Gonou could hear she wasn't really that happy. "Mrs. Huan from the store was home ill today, so I had no-one to stay and chat with. And you're home early, too."
"Yes. The children behaved so well today I let them out early and told them to go play while it's still warm and sunny."
"And look at you, sitting here inside with your nose buried in a book!" She smiled fondly and waved her finger at Gonou in mock disdain.
He grinned sheepishly. "You're right. I should have gone outside to read."
Kanan laughed and walked over to him, kicking away her shoes along the way.
"What are you reading?" She took hold of the book and lifted it to see its cover. "The Bible?" She looked at Gonou, puzzled. "I thought you said you think it's not worth the attention it gets. You said you were happy you never needed to study that book again."
"Hmm? Oh, well... I still think that way." He smiled at her reassuringly. "I just wanted to look something up."
"From the Book of Solomon?" Kanan seemed to be happy with his explanation and was now just curious.
"There was a verse stuck in my head and I wanted to see how it went."
"What verse was it?"
"Hmm, let's see..." Gonou leafed through the pages while Kanan leaned against his right shoulder, one arm wrapped loosely around the left.
A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.
But I can't say that, it'll sound funny and all kinds of wrong, and you'll be upset.
"Ah, here." Gonou cleared his throat and read.
"Come, my beloved,
Let us go forth to the field;
Let us lodge in the villages.
Let us get up early to the vineyards;
Let us see if the vine has budded,
Whether the grape blossoms are open,
And the pomegranates are in bloom."
He finished, but Kanan bent closer to the book and read the next sentence aloud: "There I will give you my love." Her voice was soft and there was a tremor in it Gonou had never heard before.
She took the book from his hands and put it on the table, then lifted his hands away and sat on his lap, crumpling up his only good pants. Before Gonou had time to react with more than a confused smile, she had placed a small, chaste kiss on his lips.
"I want to do it, Gonou." She looked at him with dead seriousness, and for a moment Gonou could just stare back.
"What?" he finally managed weakly.
"It's not 'what?', dear," she scolded gently, but there was something hard and determined in her expression. "It's either 'I want it, too' or 'I don't want to'." She combed his hair away from his eyes with delicate fingers. "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."
Gonou closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of her cool fingers against his temple, then drew a deep breath and opened them again. "I know." He took hold of Kanan's hand and lifted it away. "But..."
She kissed him. It was barely a real kiss, not much more than Kanan pressing her mouth, lips slightly parted, to his, but Gonou was pushing her away before he even realized he was doing so.
"Don't..." Oh god, please, I can't. I can't, I can't.
"Why not?" Kanan asked, placing her left hand on his chest and straightening her back. Gonou half expected to be slapped, but she just studied his face like she could be able to see all the answers written on his skin. "We've kissed before."
"Yes, but..." Gonou closed his eyes again, desperately searching his mind for... anything. Yes, but it was secretly in the night, and we've never talked about it afterwards, since it wasn't supposed to be real kissing, it was... something else. I thought it was something else. "I can't," he finally managed, not knowing what else to say.
"Why?" Kanan sounded only a little hurt and determined to hear the answer. She started to stroke his hair again, and Gonou couldn't find the strength to push her hand away.
"It's not..." Gonou sighed and resigned to saying the easiest answer. "You're my sister."
"I'm a woman, too."
"Yes, but..." I know. I know, and you're beautiful, and I want you, but... She was tracing the curve of his ear with her fingers. "I can't. Even if I'd want to, I can't. We can't. It's not wise." Kanan's hand stilled.
"You said you loved me," she said slowly. Gonou forced his eyes open and expected to see her eyes filled with tears. Instead there was a hint of a smile.
"I know," Gonou said, puzzled. "I do, I love you more than anything and I'd marry you if I could, but..."
"I want you." She bent to kiss his forehead, then his nose, then his lips. "I know it's wrong and sinful and all that, but I can't help it."
"Kanan, please... It's not even that it's forbidden what's important, it's that... you need to think of yourself."
"I am thinking of myself." Her hands were under his white shirt, she had somehow tucked the hem free from the waist of his pants and she was tracing small patterns on Gonou's skin with her fingertips, just like she sometimes did when they lay close together in bed at night, waiting for sleep.
"No, I mean..." Gonou placed his hands firmly on her arms. "You said you'd love to have children some day and I... you can't have... not with me." Although I'd want nothing as much. "But you'll find someone, who..."
Kanan made a small, disapproving tut and bent to nuzzle his neck, her hands sliding away from his belly and up to open the buttons closest to his throat. "I don't want that someone, I want you." Gonou thought he heard her sigh softly. "Even if I have give that up."
More buttons were being opened. I should push her away, Gonou thought helplessly. I should, I should, I should. Kanan shifted in his lap and he had to close his eyes tight and bite his lip to keep from grinding himself against her. Oh. Now she must have felt me. Now she knows for sure that I...
He felt her weight shift and then she wasn't there in his lap anymore. There were footsteps, then a soft bang, then more footsteps, this time going to the bedroom and then back. And then soft lips on his, and this time Kanan was tracing his bottom lip with her tongue, something they had never done before, and to Gonou it felt like the world was spinning around and he was drowning. He grabbed Kanan's waist and held on, not being able to pull her close but not wanting to push her away, either.
"Come on, silly..." she murmured against his lips, "I know you want this." She tugged his arms and Gonou stood up, she tugged some more and they were taking small steps towards the bedroom, his hands still on her waist and her hands around his neck. Gonou wasn't sure whether it was Kanan or himself who was shaking, but when he looked at her he realized something. She's terrified that her courage might fail her if she stops to think about this for too long. There was still time, he would only need to push her away for long enough, to say no a few times more. If I could just...
"But the people in the village," Gonou stopped and said the first thing that came to his mind. "What will they say if we just continue living together like this?"
Kanan looked at him like he was insane. And I probably am, he thought, almost laughing at the idea. Then she smiled, a little too brightly, and tugged them into motion again. "I don't care. And," her legs hit the edge of their old, wooden bed, still unmade from that morning, "it's not that uncommon for siblings to live together."
The bed made a small thunk as Kanan sat down. One of the legs was shorter than the other three, but they were both so accustomed to the sound that they hardly heard it anymore. His shirt was hanging open and she placed small kisses all over his stomach.
Then a thought struck Gonou, and he wasn't quite sure whether he should feel relieved or disappointed. "Kanan..." he said quietly, seizing his last argument, "I don't have any condoms." He felt his cheeks flush. Nothing like this was supposed to happen, after all. I wasn't planning on anything like this, and I couldn't see myself needing them with... anyone else, either. "And we can't... not without. You could..."
"I have. I bought some, yesterday."
"You...?" Gonou blinked. "Yesterday? But... what did they..." Oh gods, what were you thinking? "Did they say something at the store?"
She slid her hands up and down his sides. "They asked me if they were for you?"
He swallowed. "... what did you say?"
"I said that I was sorry, but it really was none of their business." A mischievous smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Gonou laughed nervously. "Now they think we're total perverts." And we are. I am. I don't have any excuses left, and I do want this, gods help me.
"We are," she agreed, squirming backwards on the bed and pulling him down with her and into a passionate, if not a little sloppy kiss.
Gonou pushed his arms under and around Kanan and shifted her, accompanied by small ka-thunk, so that their legs weren't hanging outside the bed anymore. What should I do? I don't want to disappoint you. He bent his head to kiss along her collarbone. But if I'm totally honest with myself, I have very little idea of what to do to make you feel good. He felt like an illiterate fool. He slid his hands up along her sides and made to pull one of the straps over her shoulder, but Kanan shifted impatiently under him.
"Ah, no... leave that." When Gonou looked uncertain, she added: "You don't need to do anything. Not today." Her hands were at his fly and she sounded breathless. "Just take you pants off."
"But..." I thought you wanted us to... make love, properly. I thought... "I thought..." He made to still her hands.
"That's next time, Gonou." Kanan smiled and kissed him, and it all left him puzzled enough that she was able to open his pants and start tugging them down. After that it only made sense to help her remove them completely. I could still stop, he thought, you would understand. But when he opened his mouth to say it, Kanan looked up at him and whispered: "Now I just want to know what it's like to have you in me," and the words caught up in his throat and wouldn't come out.
"Are you sure?" But he didn't stop her from stripping him off his underwear. "Because sometimes you don't make much sense to me." He felt naked and ashamed. Kanan laughed breathlessly at his words, wriggled out of her panties and dropped them off the bed. She still had her long dress to cover most of her, even if it had ridden up to expose her thighs. Gonou only had a crumpled white shirt left.
"I'm sure." Her voice trembled and there were patches of colour high on her cheeks. "Here." She pressed an unopened condom on his hand.
"Ah, um. Would you mind... not looking while I put this on?"
Kanan smiled and bit her lip and laid back on the bed, closing her eyes.
Gonou fumbled the condom on place with shaky hands. This is still so wrong. I should just stop. He turned to look at her, laying there like the very image of yet unspoiled beauty. And he was about to... Swallowing hard he lowered himself over Kanan and touched her thigh hesitantly.
"What's wrong?" Kanan had opened her eyes and was looking questioningly up at him.
"Nothing," he managed, shifting closer. "But you'll need to guide me a little here." Kanan nodded and slipped her hand between their bodies, sliding her dress higher and lifting her knees. Gonou looked down at her from shaky arms, catching her eyes for a split second and... Oh. Oh gods. Now I understand. You're as scared right now as I am.
With the first shallow thrust he heard Kanan draw sharply breath, and she wrapped both her arms around his back, squeezed tightly and whispered a small: "Ouch."
"Does it hurt?" Gonou had trouble breathing right and his heart was beating too fast. "Do you... need me to stop?"
"Yes..." Kanan shut her eyes tightly when Gonou pushed in again, a little further this time. "And no. I heard it's supposed to... nh, to hurt a little on the first... time."
"I'm sorry." Gonou wondered if he should still stop for a moment, but then Kanan shifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist, and Gonou found himself slowly thrusting even further in and after that he really didn't have enough willpower left not to pull out and thrust in again. The old, thin sheets felt silky soft and they crumpled under his sweaty palms, and the bed rocked on its unbalanced legs with every thrust, making a soft ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunk in time with his hips. He found a hole in the sheet and thought absently, I have to remember to mend this before it gets too large, but none of these things bothered Gonou or threatened to break his concentration as much as the quiet, accusing voice in the back of his head. You shouldn't. This is wrong. You shouldn't.
A curious sound made Gonou slow down and open his eyes. Kanan was laughing. There were tears in her eyes and she was laughing fit to burst.
Gonou stopped moving and looked at her, confused. "What's funny?"
Kanan took a glimpse at his befuddled expression and laughed even harder, her arms squeezing his back with surprising force and the muscles in her stomach trembling. "The... the bed..." she finally panted, "it's that... sound."
Gonou, to his great surprise, found himself grinning at her. "Do you mean..." he thrust gently and the bed went ka-thunk once more, "...this?" He laughed out loud when Kanan succumbed to a giggling fit and couldn't answer.
"Something needs to be done," he concluded, when Kanan had calmed down enough to be able to let go of his back. She nodded. "I think a small roll of paper could do the trick," he said, carefully easing out of her. "I'll be right back."
Gonou felt slightly silly, walking around the small house with only a white shirt on, but he waved these thoughts to the back of his head. He found some of his old class plans and stuffed them under the shortest leg. Kanan smiled at him and kissed his neck when he sat on the bed and tried to see if it would still rock.
"That's my knight in shining armour." She took his face between her hands and kissed him.
"I hope you bought more than one condom." Gonou smiled shyly at her when she let him go, glancing down. "Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes."
Kanan had to guide him in again, and she even said: "Ouch," and winced a little, but she insisted he wouldn't stop. She slipped her arms under his shirt and pressed her nails on his back, and Gonou tried to count to ten after that but failed, and he repeated over and over again: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," against her neck as he came.
"Gonou?" Kanan was absently stroking his hair when they lay in the twisted and a little bloody sheets afterwards. "What was the verse you were really looking for?"
Gonou laughed, surprised and sheepish. You caught me there. "Am I that transparent?"
"Only to me, I hope."
Gonou kissed her head and whispered:
"A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.
But I don't think that's really accurate anymore."
"It is, in a way." Kanan took his hand and placed a kiss on his palm. "I'm closed and sealed to anyone but you."
* * *
Author:
aonekosama
Rating: R
Warnings: Incest
Word count: 3011
A/N: Talking about last minute... Few. Thank you
flyagainhero and
khar_muur for listening to my complaints concerning this piece. ^^
For prompt: Saiyuki, Gonou/Kanan - Incest, First time - getting over the taboo
A Garden Enclosed
* * *
"A garden enclosed..."
Yes, that's exactly what she is to me, Gonou thought, his fingers stroking absently the pages of the book he was holding, his bare feet tapping the smooth, old floor. Something I can't touch, something I shouldn't touch. Something I should not even want to touch. She is not mine, and it's wrong to want her to be. It's wrong to want her. But sometimes I can't help but wonder, if...
Light footsteps on the gravel outside startled him. A shadow swished by the window, then there was rustle of paper and a small thump. Gonou lifted his gaze to see the doorknob turn and bright afternoon sunlight spill in from the opening doorway. There was rustle again and Kanan stepped in, carrying a large brown paper bag on her arms. She kicked the door shut and lowered the bag onto the small kitchen counter.
"Welcome home, Kanan." Gonou smiled at her from his seat at the small table beside a window. He made to get up, but Kanan waved at him to stay put.
"Don't bother, I can put these away myself." She lifted vegetables and other groceries out of the bag and into the cupboards, the hem of her pale blue summer dress fluttering around her legs as she moved. One narrow shoulder strap slid off her shoulder and she absently corrected it, the motion so automatic and easy she must have been used to it falling.
"You're home early." And you seem so distant again today.
"Well..." She laughed, but Gonou could hear she wasn't really that happy. "Mrs. Huan from the store was home ill today, so I had no-one to stay and chat with. And you're home early, too."
"Yes. The children behaved so well today I let them out early and told them to go play while it's still warm and sunny."
"And look at you, sitting here inside with your nose buried in a book!" She smiled fondly and waved her finger at Gonou in mock disdain.
He grinned sheepishly. "You're right. I should have gone outside to read."
Kanan laughed and walked over to him, kicking away her shoes along the way.
"What are you reading?" She took hold of the book and lifted it to see its cover. "The Bible?" She looked at Gonou, puzzled. "I thought you said you think it's not worth the attention it gets. You said you were happy you never needed to study that book again."
"Hmm? Oh, well... I still think that way." He smiled at her reassuringly. "I just wanted to look something up."
"From the Book of Solomon?" Kanan seemed to be happy with his explanation and was now just curious.
"There was a verse stuck in my head and I wanted to see how it went."
"What verse was it?"
"Hmm, let's see..." Gonou leafed through the pages while Kanan leaned against his right shoulder, one arm wrapped loosely around the left.
A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.
But I can't say that, it'll sound funny and all kinds of wrong, and you'll be upset.
"Ah, here." Gonou cleared his throat and read.
"Come, my beloved,
Let us go forth to the field;
Let us lodge in the villages.
Let us get up early to the vineyards;
Let us see if the vine has budded,
Whether the grape blossoms are open,
And the pomegranates are in bloom."
He finished, but Kanan bent closer to the book and read the next sentence aloud: "There I will give you my love." Her voice was soft and there was a tremor in it Gonou had never heard before.
She took the book from his hands and put it on the table, then lifted his hands away and sat on his lap, crumpling up his only good pants. Before Gonou had time to react with more than a confused smile, she had placed a small, chaste kiss on his lips.
"I want to do it, Gonou." She looked at him with dead seriousness, and for a moment Gonou could just stare back.
"What?" he finally managed weakly.
"It's not 'what?', dear," she scolded gently, but there was something hard and determined in her expression. "It's either 'I want it, too' or 'I don't want to'." She combed his hair away from his eyes with delicate fingers. "I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."
Gonou closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of her cool fingers against his temple, then drew a deep breath and opened them again. "I know." He took hold of Kanan's hand and lifted it away. "But..."
She kissed him. It was barely a real kiss, not much more than Kanan pressing her mouth, lips slightly parted, to his, but Gonou was pushing her away before he even realized he was doing so.
"Don't..." Oh god, please, I can't. I can't, I can't.
"Why not?" Kanan asked, placing her left hand on his chest and straightening her back. Gonou half expected to be slapped, but she just studied his face like she could be able to see all the answers written on his skin. "We've kissed before."
"Yes, but..." Gonou closed his eyes again, desperately searching his mind for... anything. Yes, but it was secretly in the night, and we've never talked about it afterwards, since it wasn't supposed to be real kissing, it was... something else. I thought it was something else. "I can't," he finally managed, not knowing what else to say.
"Why?" Kanan sounded only a little hurt and determined to hear the answer. She started to stroke his hair again, and Gonou couldn't find the strength to push her hand away.
"It's not..." Gonou sighed and resigned to saying the easiest answer. "You're my sister."
"I'm a woman, too."
"Yes, but..." I know. I know, and you're beautiful, and I want you, but... She was tracing the curve of his ear with her fingers. "I can't. Even if I'd want to, I can't. We can't. It's not wise." Kanan's hand stilled.
"You said you loved me," she said slowly. Gonou forced his eyes open and expected to see her eyes filled with tears. Instead there was a hint of a smile.
"I know," Gonou said, puzzled. "I do, I love you more than anything and I'd marry you if I could, but..."
"I want you." She bent to kiss his forehead, then his nose, then his lips. "I know it's wrong and sinful and all that, but I can't help it."
"Kanan, please... It's not even that it's forbidden what's important, it's that... you need to think of yourself."
"I am thinking of myself." Her hands were under his white shirt, she had somehow tucked the hem free from the waist of his pants and she was tracing small patterns on Gonou's skin with her fingertips, just like she sometimes did when they lay close together in bed at night, waiting for sleep.
"No, I mean..." Gonou placed his hands firmly on her arms. "You said you'd love to have children some day and I... you can't have... not with me." Although I'd want nothing as much. "But you'll find someone, who..."
Kanan made a small, disapproving tut and bent to nuzzle his neck, her hands sliding away from his belly and up to open the buttons closest to his throat. "I don't want that someone, I want you." Gonou thought he heard her sigh softly. "Even if I have give that up."
More buttons were being opened. I should push her away, Gonou thought helplessly. I should, I should, I should. Kanan shifted in his lap and he had to close his eyes tight and bite his lip to keep from grinding himself against her. Oh. Now she must have felt me. Now she knows for sure that I...
He felt her weight shift and then she wasn't there in his lap anymore. There were footsteps, then a soft bang, then more footsteps, this time going to the bedroom and then back. And then soft lips on his, and this time Kanan was tracing his bottom lip with her tongue, something they had never done before, and to Gonou it felt like the world was spinning around and he was drowning. He grabbed Kanan's waist and held on, not being able to pull her close but not wanting to push her away, either.
"Come on, silly..." she murmured against his lips, "I know you want this." She tugged his arms and Gonou stood up, she tugged some more and they were taking small steps towards the bedroom, his hands still on her waist and her hands around his neck. Gonou wasn't sure whether it was Kanan or himself who was shaking, but when he looked at her he realized something. She's terrified that her courage might fail her if she stops to think about this for too long. There was still time, he would only need to push her away for long enough, to say no a few times more. If I could just...
"But the people in the village," Gonou stopped and said the first thing that came to his mind. "What will they say if we just continue living together like this?"
Kanan looked at him like he was insane. And I probably am, he thought, almost laughing at the idea. Then she smiled, a little too brightly, and tugged them into motion again. "I don't care. And," her legs hit the edge of their old, wooden bed, still unmade from that morning, "it's not that uncommon for siblings to live together."
The bed made a small thunk as Kanan sat down. One of the legs was shorter than the other three, but they were both so accustomed to the sound that they hardly heard it anymore. His shirt was hanging open and she placed small kisses all over his stomach.
Then a thought struck Gonou, and he wasn't quite sure whether he should feel relieved or disappointed. "Kanan..." he said quietly, seizing his last argument, "I don't have any condoms." He felt his cheeks flush. Nothing like this was supposed to happen, after all. I wasn't planning on anything like this, and I couldn't see myself needing them with... anyone else, either. "And we can't... not without. You could..."
"I have. I bought some, yesterday."
"You...?" Gonou blinked. "Yesterday? But... what did they..." Oh gods, what were you thinking? "Did they say something at the store?"
She slid her hands up and down his sides. "They asked me if they were for you?"
He swallowed. "... what did you say?"
"I said that I was sorry, but it really was none of their business." A mischievous smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Gonou laughed nervously. "Now they think we're total perverts." And we are. I am. I don't have any excuses left, and I do want this, gods help me.
"We are," she agreed, squirming backwards on the bed and pulling him down with her and into a passionate, if not a little sloppy kiss.
Gonou pushed his arms under and around Kanan and shifted her, accompanied by small ka-thunk, so that their legs weren't hanging outside the bed anymore. What should I do? I don't want to disappoint you. He bent his head to kiss along her collarbone. But if I'm totally honest with myself, I have very little idea of what to do to make you feel good. He felt like an illiterate fool. He slid his hands up along her sides and made to pull one of the straps over her shoulder, but Kanan shifted impatiently under him.
"Ah, no... leave that." When Gonou looked uncertain, she added: "You don't need to do anything. Not today." Her hands were at his fly and she sounded breathless. "Just take you pants off."
"But..." I thought you wanted us to... make love, properly. I thought... "I thought..." He made to still her hands.
"That's next time, Gonou." Kanan smiled and kissed him, and it all left him puzzled enough that she was able to open his pants and start tugging them down. After that it only made sense to help her remove them completely. I could still stop, he thought, you would understand. But when he opened his mouth to say it, Kanan looked up at him and whispered: "Now I just want to know what it's like to have you in me," and the words caught up in his throat and wouldn't come out.
"Are you sure?" But he didn't stop her from stripping him off his underwear. "Because sometimes you don't make much sense to me." He felt naked and ashamed. Kanan laughed breathlessly at his words, wriggled out of her panties and dropped them off the bed. She still had her long dress to cover most of her, even if it had ridden up to expose her thighs. Gonou only had a crumpled white shirt left.
"I'm sure." Her voice trembled and there were patches of colour high on her cheeks. "Here." She pressed an unopened condom on his hand.
"Ah, um. Would you mind... not looking while I put this on?"
Kanan smiled and bit her lip and laid back on the bed, closing her eyes.
Gonou fumbled the condom on place with shaky hands. This is still so wrong. I should just stop. He turned to look at her, laying there like the very image of yet unspoiled beauty. And he was about to... Swallowing hard he lowered himself over Kanan and touched her thigh hesitantly.
"What's wrong?" Kanan had opened her eyes and was looking questioningly up at him.
"Nothing," he managed, shifting closer. "But you'll need to guide me a little here." Kanan nodded and slipped her hand between their bodies, sliding her dress higher and lifting her knees. Gonou looked down at her from shaky arms, catching her eyes for a split second and... Oh. Oh gods. Now I understand. You're as scared right now as I am.
With the first shallow thrust he heard Kanan draw sharply breath, and she wrapped both her arms around his back, squeezed tightly and whispered a small: "Ouch."
"Does it hurt?" Gonou had trouble breathing right and his heart was beating too fast. "Do you... need me to stop?"
"Yes..." Kanan shut her eyes tightly when Gonou pushed in again, a little further this time. "And no. I heard it's supposed to... nh, to hurt a little on the first... time."
"I'm sorry." Gonou wondered if he should still stop for a moment, but then Kanan shifted her legs and wrapped them around his waist, and Gonou found himself slowly thrusting even further in and after that he really didn't have enough willpower left not to pull out and thrust in again. The old, thin sheets felt silky soft and they crumpled under his sweaty palms, and the bed rocked on its unbalanced legs with every thrust, making a soft ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-thunk in time with his hips. He found a hole in the sheet and thought absently, I have to remember to mend this before it gets too large, but none of these things bothered Gonou or threatened to break his concentration as much as the quiet, accusing voice in the back of his head. You shouldn't. This is wrong. You shouldn't.
A curious sound made Gonou slow down and open his eyes. Kanan was laughing. There were tears in her eyes and she was laughing fit to burst.
Gonou stopped moving and looked at her, confused. "What's funny?"
Kanan took a glimpse at his befuddled expression and laughed even harder, her arms squeezing his back with surprising force and the muscles in her stomach trembling. "The... the bed..." she finally panted, "it's that... sound."
Gonou, to his great surprise, found himself grinning at her. "Do you mean..." he thrust gently and the bed went ka-thunk once more, "...this?" He laughed out loud when Kanan succumbed to a giggling fit and couldn't answer.
"Something needs to be done," he concluded, when Kanan had calmed down enough to be able to let go of his back. She nodded. "I think a small roll of paper could do the trick," he said, carefully easing out of her. "I'll be right back."
Gonou felt slightly silly, walking around the small house with only a white shirt on, but he waved these thoughts to the back of his head. He found some of his old class plans and stuffed them under the shortest leg. Kanan smiled at him and kissed his neck when he sat on the bed and tried to see if it would still rock.
"That's my knight in shining armour." She took his face between her hands and kissed him.
"I hope you bought more than one condom." Gonou smiled shyly at her when she let him go, glancing down. "Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes."
Kanan had to guide him in again, and she even said: "Ouch," and winced a little, but she insisted he wouldn't stop. She slipped her arms under his shirt and pressed her nails on his back, and Gonou tried to count to ten after that but failed, and he repeated over and over again: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," against her neck as he came.
"Gonou?" Kanan was absently stroking his hair when they lay in the twisted and a little bloody sheets afterwards. "What was the verse you were really looking for?"
Gonou laughed, surprised and sheepish. You caught me there. "Am I that transparent?"
"Only to me, I hope."
Gonou kissed her head and whispered:
"A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.
But I don't think that's really accurate anymore."
"It is, in a way." Kanan took his hand and placed a kiss on his palm. "I'm closed and sealed to anyone but you."
* * *