I-I have to go somewhere for a moment... That was just too hot to ignore! Thank you for this because it was so much more than I thought it could be when I came up with the prompt!
Well done Irvine/Squallvivaine3July 1 2007, 18:06:28 UTC
Nice job! That was funny and hot and in character... yummy!
...naked as the day he was born - and any day he could manage since.
Yep, that's Irvine, hedonist to the core ^_^
“Fix the bed, Kinneas.”
One sleepy blue eye regarded Squall, half hidden between dark lashes. “I’m not done messing it up yet.”
Oh Squall. So oblivious.
I just have one small twitch with your narrative flow: Irvine's half-opened eyes focused lazily on Squall, his expression curling slowly from intent to pleased, a smile working lazily over his features. Squall pulled harder on his handful of ponytail.In the first paragraphs it sounds like Squall is standing at the door, or maybe across the room, watching Irvine on the bed (throwing the books would impl a distance between). Then in this paragraph he's suddenly tugging Irvine's hair without having moved. I'm not sure of the physical location aspect here. If Irvine's propped against the pillows which are squashed against the wall, how did Squall grab his ponytail while thinking that Irvine doesn't know he's
( ... )
Re: Well done Irvine/SquallcognomenJuly 1 2007, 22:30:00 UTC
Teleportation! ...
That is a gaping narrative flaw. I swear I had him move across the room - .... in this handwritten paragraph that is taped to my computer with the clear indication to add it to the fic. >_<
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-whimper-
I-I have to go somewhere for a moment... That was just too hot to ignore! Thank you for this because it was so much more than I thought it could be when I came up with the prompt!
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...naked as the day he was born - and any day he could manage since.
Yep, that's Irvine, hedonist to the core ^_^
“Fix the bed, Kinneas.”
One sleepy blue eye regarded Squall, half hidden between dark lashes. “I’m not done messing it up yet.”
Oh Squall. So oblivious.
I just have one small twitch with your narrative flow:
Irvine's half-opened eyes focused lazily on Squall, his expression curling slowly from intent to pleased, a smile working lazily over his features. Squall pulled harder on his handful of ponytail.In the first paragraphs it sounds like Squall is standing at the door, or maybe across the room, watching Irvine on the bed (throwing the books would impl a distance between). Then in this paragraph he's suddenly tugging Irvine's hair without having moved. I'm not sure of the physical location aspect here. If Irvine's propped against the pillows which are squashed against the wall, how did Squall grab his ponytail while thinking that Irvine doesn't know he's ( ... )
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That is a gaping narrative flaw. I swear I had him move across the room - .... in this handwritten paragraph that is taped to my computer with the clear indication to add it to the fic. >_<
I shall fix it presently.
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thank you for writing and sharing.
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never imagined him with Squall but... you make this pair so real!
thank you for the scene )))
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