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shikishinobiand
morriganscrowfor sporking chapters 24 - 27! I've got to make two posts because LJ won't let me post it in one.
Chapter 24: Sirius Black
Inside the Shrieking Shack, the whole place was covered with dust. Someone forgot to pay the housemaid again! The only thing showing any signs of recent activity was the drag marks from an open trapdoor. From the trapdoor, Harry and Hermione poked their heads out to look at where they had arrived. Cue traveling/arriving music.
“We're in the Shrieking Shack, aren't we?” Hermione asked Harry, looking around. Well done Hermione. Your powers of observation are a credit to you, aren't they? Harry followed the drag marks that led upstairs.
“Come on,” Harry whispered, leading the way up the stairs. Follow me, and you'll be, in a world of terror and of nightmares.
From somewhere above them, they could hear Ron yelling in pain and for help. Ron is such a wuss. If he'd gone up against the Basilisk, he would have fainted on the spot and been snake food. Climbing the stairs as quickly as they could, they came to an open door, where the drag marks led in. We wonder if it is a trap?
“Ron!” Harry cried out, seeing his friend lying on the floor clutching his leg injury.
“Ron, you okay?” Hermione demanded, feeling some relief that her friend wasn't dead. Because the yelling and the screaming in pain wasn't a sure enough sign. But Harry didn't share her relief. Could it be trap?
“The dog. Where is it?” He asked Ron in a state of urgency. It couldn't possibly be a trap.
“It's a trap!” *blink blink* Well, what do you know? Who'da thunk it? Ron stammered. He then pointed past Harry and Hermione to somewhere behind them. “He's the dog. He's an Animagus.” Your loss of the more useful form of nouns known as names is not helping the situation Ron. Looking around, Harry and Hermione followed a trail of dog footprints in the dust with their eyes until they stopped at a pair of shoes. The person wearing them was hiding poorly behind the door to the room, which was missing a good portion of its lower self. We wonder if the directors did this on purpose to build suspense? Can we just say how much it sucked? The door slammed shut to reveal none other than Sirius Black. Like we said, even without reading the books, you know Sirius is going to be there. His long, dark hair lay in filthy tangles down his neck and his face was obscured by a tatty, dirty beard. While Gary Oldman did a fine job in the part of Sirius, we would like to point out some major casting flaws. The Marauders/Snape/Malfoy etc, would only be in their mid 30's to early 40's at the most. So why are people ten to thirty years older cast? A look of pure hatred on his face. I don't like you children. A face that had sunk like the Titanic with age, suffering and malnourishment. Clearly the cuisine in Azkaban needs improvement. He started walking forwards towards Harry. Hermione jumped in between them, holding Harry to her back while facing Sirius. Wait for it - Steve Kloves' obsession with Emma Watson/Hermione and his tendency to fap as he writes, sees some of Ron's best lines, illustrating his courage and commitment to Harry, stripped from him, and given to the aforementioned Emma. Kloves is clearly a fangirl, probably has an altar to Emma/Hermione set up in his office, and, we expect, a blow-up doll modified to look like her, on which he relieves himself whenever he's overcome with writer's block.
“If you want to kill Harry, you have to kill us too! But I want him to give me anal sex as my last request.” Hermione said, doing her best to be brave.
“No, only one will die get fucked up the arse tonight.” Sirius stated as he continued to advance on them.
“Then it'll be you,” Harry snarled, throwing Hermione off and charging at Sirius. Are you sure about this Harry? Before Sirius had a chance to react, Harry had grabbed him and thrown him to the floor. He fumbled Moody would have cuffed him over the back of the head for not having his wand in easy reach in his jacket and took out his wand, pointing it straight at Sirius' forehead. There was a moment's pause, then Sirius started to laugh snarled “Not fast enough, boy! Do it again!” *Slaps Harry in the head* “As my old Auror teacher said, 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' Now try that again.” *smacks Harry upside the head again* “Put that wand away and pull it out again...DO IT AGAIN!” *After several attempts, Harry's quick draw technique satisfies Sirius and the story continues*
“Are you going to kill fuck me, Harry?” he asked, still laughing.
Just then, the door burst open and a voice called out 'Expelliarmus' before Harry had a chance to defend himself. ”I told you Harry, 'CONSTANT FUCKING VIGILANCE'” Sirius yelled.
Looking around, he saw Professor Lupin standing in the doorway, breathing heavily. Harry, now disarmed, looked at Professor Lupin, wondering what would happen next. A number of people could guess what we would like to happen, but we doubt it will, considering the movie rating is only PG.
With a simple movement of his head, Lupin indicated he wanted Harry to get off Sirius and back away. Lupin could now do what he had been waiting to do for years. Unarmed, Harry complied. He felt someone pull at him from behind, only to find it was Hermione. "Come on Harry, if they are going to have fun, why don't we?"
“Well, well, Sirius. Looking rather ragged, aren't we?” Lupin asked, his "wand" pointed at the man on the floor. Many twisted and naughty images arise from that! “Finally the flesh reflects the madness manwhore within.” Lupin continued, getting closer to a full length hard on.
“Well, you'd know all about the madness manwhore within, wouldn't you Remus?” Sirius answered back. There was a pause as Lupin considered what Sirius had said. It had been a long time since he'd had Sirius on the the floor at his “wand point”...and he intended to enjoy it He then withdrew his wand and put a hand out to help Sirius to his feet. Then, much to almost everyone's surprise and our delight, the two men hugged each other.
“I found him.” Whispered Sirius more to himself than to Lupin.
“I know,” Lupin replied Soothing his partner.
“It's him.” Sirius continued, sounding more hoarse with each passing second. One fast kiss that happened off camera and Sirius has no tonsils left.
“I understand,” Lupin replied, trying to keep his friend under control. He's been celibate for 12 years. What do you expect?
“Let's kill him!” Sirius said, sounding very excited about the idea of sex after murder.
“NO!” Screamed a voice. The two men looked around to see it was Hermione who had spoken. “I trusted you,” she said to Lupin. “And all this time, you've been his fuckfriend.” Lupin looked at her with darkened eyes, wondering just how much did she know. The more you ask, the more embarrassed you'll be.
“He's a werewolf!” Hermione said to Harry and Ron, “That's why he's been missing classes. He's being doing it doggie style, literally, with Sirius.” Lupin let go of Sirius completely and started to advance slowly on Hermione.
“How long have you known?” Lupin asked.
“Since Professor Snape set the essay and Harry got the map.” Hermione answered, backing up a little bit.
“Well, well, well three holes in the ground Hermione. You really are the brightest and most nosy witch of your age, I've ever met.” Lupin complimented her, smiling lightly.
“Enough talk Remus.” Sirius interrupted. “Come on, lets kill him and then fuck.”
“Wait.” Lupin demanded.
“I DID MY WAITING. I've been so sexually deprived I could just explode<” Sirius said, getting very agitated with the delays. “Twelve years of it. In Azkaban. It isn't like Muggle jail. They don't let you get buggered in Azkaban.” He finished. Lupin looked defeated. He took Harry's wand from his hand which we never saw him take off the floor in the first place and passed it to Sirius, who snatched it up.
“Very well. Kill him.” He said as the wand left his hand. “But wait one more minute.” He said, putting a hand up. “Harry has the right to know why After all, he's only thirteen, and seeing two men fucking like crazed weasels in front of him is bound to be a tad emotionally scarring.” He finished.
“I know why!” Harry interjected. “You betrayed my parents and killed Kenny, you bastard!” He said, stepping forward. “You're the reason they're dead.” Harry sounded both enraged and heartbroken what a tough break, but it is going to be quick and that he had no defense from his own demise except Hermione the human shield and Ron the wimpy throw-away sidekick.
“No Harry, it wasn't him.” Lupin said. “Somebody did betray your parents, but it was somebody whom, until quite recently, I believed to be dead.” Harry didn't wait for Lupin to finish. Such impatient behavior!
“Who was it then?” Harry asked in a hurry.
“Peter Pettigrew!” Sirius answered. “And he's in this room! Right now!” Sirius continued in maddening tones. “Come out, come out, Peter. Come out and play. I wanna pway Wing-Awound-A-Wosey!" Sirius called out jumping up and down in a childish tantrum.
“Expelliarmus.” Snape said. Sirius was suddenly disarmed. He turned to face the professor standing in the door. Everyone looked at Snape in complete awe. ”Aaaaww.” We said 'Awe.' A.W.E. “Oooooo” That's better.
“Vengeance is sweet like chocolate frogs." Snape said, looking at Sirius, his wand pointed straight at him.
“How I hoped I'd be the one to catch you acting as childish as a three-year-old in day care.” He smiled evilly.
“Severus...” Lupin said, stepping towards Snape, but backed up quickly when the wand was pointed at him.
“I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend into the castle for kinky gay fun. And now, here's the proof. Well, I don't have proof on the sex part yet, but we will get there eventually,” Snape said, his tone becoming more overjoyed by the moment.
“Brilliant Snape,” Sirius said. “Once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind genitals to the task and as usual has come out with the wrong conclusion time to orgasm.” Sirius continued as he stepped towards Snape, almost within arms reach. “Now if you'll excuse me, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to...” Sirius was cut off by Snape's wand jabbing into his throat. We wish we knew what he had to say, because it could have been rather saucy
“Give me a reason.” Snape said in a challenging tone. “I beg you!” You beg for what, exactly?
“Severus don't be a fool,” said Lupin, trying to get close enough to try and sort the situation out.
“He can't help it, it's habit by now.” Sirius answered, trying to look at Snape and Lupin at once.
“Be quiet.” Lupin said.
“Be quiet yourself Remus.”
“Ah, look at you two...” Snape cut in, “Quarreling like an old married couple.” At this point, Lupin stepped forward and hooked Sirius by the arm. “Excuse me Severus, I need to have a word with the wife.” Before Snape could respond, Sirius was yanked out from under Snape's wand and pulled aside. After some heated whispering, Lupin brought Sirius back and Snape put his wand back in Sirius' neck.
“Thanks Severus.” Lupin said. He returned to his position.
Sadly, Steve decided to cut this, due to his dislike for Sirius and Lupin being together. Goddess JKR would have kept it in as well, but she decided not to get fans too excited too early.
“Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set?” Because it isn't the same as a potions set? Sirius asked, noticing Lupin had backed out of the situation after having rudely rained on Snape's parade. Snape jabbed even harder with the wand.
“I could do it, you know?” Yes, there are a lot of things you could do Snape, but which one of those things could you do here? He sneered. “By why deny the Dementors? because they suck... literally. They're so longing to see you.” Snape looked at his old school rival. “Do I detect a flicker of fear? You tell us and we will henceforth, know. Oh yes, a Dementor's kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. So start imagining and we will move the plot along. It is said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.” He said. We have visions of Snape sitting there holding his eyes open with his fingers while Sirius gets smooched by a Dementor.
“Severus please...” Sirius began, but suddenly the wand was withdrawn and pointed towards the open door. And this wasn't a good time to kick him over, tackle him to the floor and get the wand away from him?
While Snape's attention was withdrawn, Harry sneaked his hand around Hermione's back and slowly took her wand from her pocket and gave her bum a quick squeeze for Steve, since he was not on screen. Ron, noticing, moved Hermione's arm a little, so Harry could reach it more easily and making what Harry was doing more obvious.
“After you.” Snape snapped at Sirius, he then turned his attention to Harry, Ron and Hermione and inclined his head, telling them to leave. We suppose saying it would lower your status as a human being, wouldn't it? Harry then stepped forward extending the wand. Snape had one moment to realize what was about to happen before he heard Harry yell 'Expelliarmus' and he went flying backwards into a dusty, moth-eaten old four-poster bed. He then fell unconscious with the top part of the frame falling in on him. Pardon our noticing, but in book 5 and 6, Snape can read Harry's mind like an open book. So he surely would have seen it all coming and summoned a magical shield to deflect the spell. But since we aren't well informed enough about Snape at the present time, this was left out of canon, both book and movie.
We would also like to point out that it is from this point on that 'Expelliarmus' stops having its disarming effect as much as having its knock-back effect. The two spells are completely different. If you wish to knock someone over, the best spell is 'Flippendo.' Now, if Steve had played the games or even better, READ THE BOOKS he would have known these wonderful facts. But, as we all know, that is not the case.
Harry pointed his wand at Sirius. We wonder if he is getting tired of this? All these wands pointed in his direction and no one is casting any spells. Surely he could snatch a wand off someone before they bespell him?
Chapter 25: Peter Pettigrew. A tribute to our local and convenient Vold-E-Mart
“Harry, what did you just do?” Ron asked. Did the sudden crashing noises wake you up from your lack of lines? If you said yes, we are not surprised.
“You attacked a teacher!” Hermione said, absolutely horrified. Correction: he tried to DISARM the teacher, but Snape (somehow) went flying, wand still in hand (as far as we can tell).
“Tell me about Peter Pettigrew.” Harry demanded of Sirius while ignoring his friends. Such charming behavior. But we suppose it is premature revenge for the next movie.
“He was at school with us, we thought he was our friend.” Well that was a silly thing to do, wasn't it? Sirius began to explain.
“No. Pettigrew's dead. You killed him.” Harry said, turning his attention back to Sirius.
“No he didn't.” Lupin said, stepping between Harry and Sirius. “I thought so too, until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map.” Lupin explained. We want to know why the Twins had never seen Peter on the map before. After all. Scabbers had been around for a while.
“The map was lying then.” Harry said, trying to think of another reason why the map would show a dead person. Either because 1)It is their ghost or 2) The person faked his own death. Surely these thoughts crossed your mind Harry?
“The map never lies.” Sirius said. “Pettigrew is alive. And he's right there.” He continued, pointing to Ron. A long time in Azkaban makes you aim a little badly, doesn't it? I mean he missed the rat before and now he can't even point in a straight line.
“Me?” Ron asked in complete disbelief. “He's mental!”
“No, not you.” Sirius said, trying to contemplate why someone of his age would think that. Probably because Ron isn't the world's fastest thinker. “Your rat!” He snapped.
“Scabbers has been in my family for...” Ron began.
“Twelve years?” Sirius asked. “Curiously long life for a common garden rat? I have a diploma in rat biology. He's missing a toe isn't he?” Sirius continued, speaking rather quickly.
“So what?” Ron asked. Even from a canon point of view, we wonder why Ron doesn't make 2+2=4 faster. Harry told Ron all of the preceding events of Peter etc, at least in the book and off camera (again!)
“All they could find of Pettigrew was his...” Harry started.
“Finger!” Sirius said, interrupting. “The dirty coward should have a bath, as it has been years since he cut it off so everyone would think he was dead! And then he transformed into a rat.” Completely removing the Marauders and their time spent together as animals as well as the fact the four of them made the map and so on. For your big fat information Steve, you would have known Peter was an Animagus if you.... you get the point by now. Sirius explained, rounding onto the curled up form of Ron.
“Show me!” demanded Harry, his wand still pointed at Sirius. His arm must be ready to drop off by now. Looking rather pleased with the idea, Sirius looked at Harry for a moment, then leaned forward and tried to take the rat away from Ron, but Ron held onto him. Ron, its a rat, not your genitals.
“Give it to him Ron.” Harry said calmly but firmly. Like Ron is going to listen.
'What are you trying to do to him?” Ron asked, near hysterics. Ron, your sense of hearing and comprehension needs mass work. I went to Vold-E-Mart and brought you a few clues and a hint. Please use them when the plot takes the correct turns. “Scabbers!” He cried out in a pitiful plea for his pet back.”Leave him alone.” He noticed he was being held back by Harry. “Get off me.” Ron snapped. Looking back at Sirius, who had gone over to a dusty old piano to cast the spell, Ron tried once more to get some reason.
“What are you doing?” Ron asked.
Placing the struggling rat on the piano, Sirius and Lupin fired their spells at the now fast moving rat. Missed him by a whisker. Their spells missed and made the piano play some rather flat notes. Come on now, he only has nine toes. Still shooting spells, the rat managed to dodge each one as he fled down the piano and across the floor. He jumped to try and get through a hole in the wall, but a spell hit him and he turned into a human. This small amount of action first reminded me of 'Batman' (Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson) and the fight in the Cathedral. Jammed in the wall, the man looked around, his hands still in a rat-like pose, and his teeth sticking out over his lower lip. His hair was dark blond, balding and his face was very ratlike. We wonder why?
Snip: Ripped out of the wall.
“Remus?” He asked. “Sirius? My old friends.” He tried to make a sudden run for it, but Sirius and Lupin blocked his way. That was a very childish plan, Peter. Surely you can do better? Looking around, he saw a very shocked Ron, Hermione, and then he set eyes on Harry. Fresh meat!
“Harry.” He said, coming closer. “Look at you. Here's a mirror to do so. You look so much like your father, James. I think Harry knows his father's name. We were the best of friends...” Peter was almost on top of Harry which is not a healthy mental image at this point when Sirius jumped forward pointing a wand at him.
“How dare you speak to Harry!” He snarled. Peter withdrew in fear and ran. He got behind the piano and was cornered by Sirius on one end and Lupin on the other. Once again Peter, your ideas for escape plans fail. But, Vold-E-Mart can sell you magical escape kits for a few sickles.
“How dare you talk about James in front of him.” Sirius snapped.
“You sold James and Lily to Voldemort didn't you?” Lupin snapped, his wand now aimed at Peter as well. Well if they weren't having human trade-in sales down at Vold-E-Mart, then he might have left them alone.
“I didn't mean to.” Peter sniveled. ”But I really needed a life and it took 2 parents and a child to get one. The Dark Lord. You have no idea the weapons stock he possesses. The bargains he waves in front of you.” Peter said in a half threatening, half frightened tone. He pointed at Sirius. “Ask yourself Sirius. What would you have done purchased?” Peter said, very demanding. “What would you have done given up for a life?”
“I WOULD'VE DIED kidnapped rather than hand over my friends!” Sirius snapped at Peter, causing him to back away. Seeing his only hope for escape, Peter dived under the piano and ran for the door.
“I would have died kidnapped rather than betray sell my friends.” He yelled at Peter. Harry stepped in front of the door. Peter grabbed him and then started whispering in his ear.
“Harry! James wouldn't have wanted me killed. I think in the after life he would. Your Dad, he would have speared me a punch in the face beforehand. He would have shown me Mercy...” Peter was dragged off Harry and thrown to the floor. Sirius and Lupin stood over him.
“You should have realized Peter...” Sirius said, snarling in Peter's face, “that if Voldemort didn't kill you then we would. Together.” Sirius got ready to cast his spell when he was suddenly interrupted.
“NO!” Harry yelled out. Sirius and Lupin stopped. Lupin looked back at Harry.
“Harry, this man... has no life, we aren't really making much of a difference at all.” Lupin began.
“I know what he is and what he lacks.” Harry cut him off. “But we'll take him to the castle Vold-E-Mart,” He finished.
“Bless you boy.” Came Peter's voice. He started crawling towards Harry, “Bless you.” He reached out to hug Harry, but Harry stepped back
“Get off!” he snapped doing a very good impression of Draco. Peter fell to the floor. “I said we'd take you to the castle Vold-E-Mart. After that, the Dementors store owners can have you. I've heard some of the things they do to the people who are traded in. Do you know what they do to those people?" Peter sat up, sniveling in his rat-like way. He then cringed and cried out at the thought of being given to the Dementors store owners.
shikishinobiand
morriganscrowfor sporking chapters 24 - 27! I've got to make two posts because LJ won't let me post it in one.
Chapter 24: Sirius Black
Inside the Shrieking Shack, the whole place was covered with dust. Someone forgot to pay the housemaid again! The only thing showing any signs of recent activity was the drag marks from an open trapdoor. From the trapdoor, Harry and Hermione poked their heads out to look at where they had arrived. Cue traveling/arriving music.
“We're in the Shrieking Shack, aren't we?” Hermione asked Harry, looking around. Well done Hermione. Your powers of observation are a credit to you, aren't they? Harry followed the drag marks that led upstairs.
“Come on,” Harry whispered, leading the way up the stairs. Follow me, and you'll be, in a world of terror and of nightmares.
From somewhere above them, they could hear Ron yelling in pain and for help. Ron is such a wuss. If he'd gone up against the Basilisk, he would have fainted on the spot and been snake food. Climbing the stairs as quickly as they could, they came to an open door, where the drag marks led in. We wonder if it is a trap?
“Ron!” Harry cried out, seeing his friend lying on the floor clutching his leg injury.
“Ron, you okay?” Hermione demanded, feeling some relief that her friend wasn't dead. Because the yelling and the screaming in pain wasn't a sure enough sign. But Harry didn't share her relief. Could it be trap?
“The dog. Where is it?” He asked Ron in a state of urgency. It couldn't possibly be a trap.
“It's a trap!” *blink blink* Well, what do you know? Who'da thunk it? Ron stammered. He then pointed past Harry and Hermione to somewhere behind them. “He's the dog. He's an Animagus.” Your loss of the more useful form of nouns known as names is not helping the situation Ron. Looking around, Harry and Hermione followed a trail of dog footprints in the dust with their eyes until they stopped at a pair of shoes. The person wearing them was hiding poorly behind the door to the room, which was missing a good portion of its lower self. We wonder if the directors did this on purpose to build suspense? Can we just say how much it sucked? The door slammed shut to reveal none other than Sirius Black. Like we said, even without reading the books, you know Sirius is going to be there. His long, dark hair lay in filthy tangles down his neck and his face was obscured by a tatty, dirty beard. While Gary Oldman did a fine job in the part of Sirius, we would like to point out some major casting flaws. The Marauders/Snape/Malfoy etc, would only be in their mid 30's to early 40's at the most. So why are people ten to thirty years older cast? A look of pure hatred on his face. I don't like you children. A face that had sunk like the Titanic with age, suffering and malnourishment. Clearly the cuisine in Azkaban needs improvement. He started walking forwards towards Harry. Hermione jumped in between them, holding Harry to her back while facing Sirius. Wait for it - Steve Kloves' obsession with Emma Watson/Hermione and his tendency to fap as he writes, sees some of Ron's best lines, illustrating his courage and commitment to Harry, stripped from him, and given to the aforementioned Emma. Kloves is clearly a fangirl, probably has an altar to Emma/Hermione set up in his office, and, we expect, a blow-up doll modified to look like her, on which he relieves himself whenever he's overcome with writer's block.
“If you want to kill Harry, you have to kill us too! But I want him to give me anal sex as my last request.” Hermione said, doing her best to be brave.
“No, only one will die get fucked up the arse tonight.” Sirius stated as he continued to advance on them.
“Then it'll be you,” Harry snarled, throwing Hermione off and charging at Sirius. Are you sure about this Harry? Before Sirius had a chance to react, Harry had grabbed him and thrown him to the floor. He fumbled Moody would have cuffed him over the back of the head for not having his wand in easy reach in his jacket and took out his wand, pointing it straight at Sirius' forehead. There was a moment's pause, then Sirius started to laugh snarled “Not fast enough, boy! Do it again!” *Slaps Harry in the head* “As my old Auror teacher said, 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' Now try that again.” *smacks Harry upside the head again* “Put that wand away and pull it out again...DO IT AGAIN!” *After several attempts, Harry's quick draw technique satisfies Sirius and the story continues*
“Are you going to kill fuck me, Harry?” he asked, still laughing.
Just then, the door burst open and a voice called out 'Expelliarmus' before Harry had a chance to defend himself. ”I told you Harry, 'CONSTANT FUCKING VIGILANCE'” Sirius yelled.
Looking around, he saw Professor Lupin standing in the doorway, breathing heavily. Harry, now disarmed, looked at Professor Lupin, wondering what would happen next. A number of people could guess what we would like to happen, but we doubt it will, considering the movie rating is only PG.
With a simple movement of his head, Lupin indicated he wanted Harry to get off Sirius and back away. Lupin could now do what he had been waiting to do for years. Unarmed, Harry complied. He felt someone pull at him from behind, only to find it was Hermione. "Come on Harry, if they are going to have fun, why don't we?"
“Well, well, Sirius. Looking rather ragged, aren't we?” Lupin asked, his "wand" pointed at the man on the floor. Many twisted and naughty images arise from that! “Finally the flesh reflects the madness manwhore within.” Lupin continued, getting closer to a full length hard on.
“Well, you'd know all about the madness manwhore within, wouldn't you Remus?” Sirius answered back. There was a pause as Lupin considered what Sirius had said. It had been a long time since he'd had Sirius on the the floor at his “wand point”...and he intended to enjoy it He then withdrew his wand and put a hand out to help Sirius to his feet. Then, much to almost everyone's surprise and our delight, the two men hugged each other.
“I found him.” Whispered Sirius more to himself than to Lupin.
“I know,” Lupin replied Soothing his partner.
“It's him.” Sirius continued, sounding more hoarse with each passing second. One fast kiss that happened off camera and Sirius has no tonsils left.
“I understand,” Lupin replied, trying to keep his friend under control. He's been celibate for 12 years. What do you expect?
“Let's kill him!” Sirius said, sounding very excited about the idea of sex after murder.
“NO!” Screamed a voice. The two men looked around to see it was Hermione who had spoken. “I trusted you,” she said to Lupin. “And all this time, you've been his fuckfriend.” Lupin looked at her with darkened eyes, wondering just how much did she know. The more you ask, the more embarrassed you'll be.
“He's a werewolf!” Hermione said to Harry and Ron, “That's why he's been missing classes. He's being doing it doggie style, literally, with Sirius.” Lupin let go of Sirius completely and started to advance slowly on Hermione.
“How long have you known?” Lupin asked.
“Since Professor Snape set the essay and Harry got the map.” Hermione answered, backing up a little bit.
“Well, well, well three holes in the ground Hermione. You really are the brightest and most nosy witch of your age, I've ever met.” Lupin complimented her, smiling lightly.
“Enough talk Remus.” Sirius interrupted. “Come on, lets kill him and then fuck.”
“Wait.” Lupin demanded.
“I DID MY WAITING. I've been so sexually deprived I could just explode<” Sirius said, getting very agitated with the delays. “Twelve years of it. In Azkaban. It isn't like Muggle jail. They don't let you get buggered in Azkaban.” He finished. Lupin looked defeated. He took Harry's wand from his hand which we never saw him take off the floor in the first place and passed it to Sirius, who snatched it up.
“Very well. Kill him.” He said as the wand left his hand. “But wait one more minute.” He said, putting a hand up. “Harry has the right to know why After all, he's only thirteen, and seeing two men fucking like crazed weasels in front of him is bound to be a tad emotionally scarring.” He finished.
“I know why!” Harry interjected. “You betrayed my parents and killed Kenny, you bastard!” He said, stepping forward. “You're the reason they're dead.” Harry sounded both enraged and heartbroken what a tough break, but it is going to be quick and that he had no defense from his own demise except Hermione the human shield and Ron the wimpy throw-away sidekick.
“No Harry, it wasn't him.” Lupin said. “Somebody did betray your parents, but it was somebody whom, until quite recently, I believed to be dead.” Harry didn't wait for Lupin to finish. Such impatient behavior!
“Who was it then?” Harry asked in a hurry.
“Peter Pettigrew!” Sirius answered. “And he's in this room! Right now!” Sirius continued in maddening tones. “Come out, come out, Peter. Come out and play. I wanna pway Wing-Awound-A-Wosey!" Sirius called out jumping up and down in a childish tantrum.
“Expelliarmus.” Snape said. Sirius was suddenly disarmed. He turned to face the professor standing in the door. Everyone looked at Snape in complete awe. ”Aaaaww.” We said 'Awe.' A.W.E. “Oooooo” That's better.
“Vengeance is sweet like chocolate frogs." Snape said, looking at Sirius, his wand pointed straight at him.
“How I hoped I'd be the one to catch you acting as childish as a three-year-old in day care.” He smiled evilly.
“Severus...” Lupin said, stepping towards Snape, but backed up quickly when the wand was pointed at him.
“I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend into the castle for kinky gay fun. And now, here's the proof. Well, I don't have proof on the sex part yet, but we will get there eventually,” Snape said, his tone becoming more overjoyed by the moment.
“Brilliant Snape,” Sirius said. “Once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind genitals to the task and as usual has come out with the wrong conclusion time to orgasm.” Sirius continued as he stepped towards Snape, almost within arms reach. “Now if you'll excuse me, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to...” Sirius was cut off by Snape's wand jabbing into his throat. We wish we knew what he had to say, because it could have been rather saucy
“Give me a reason.” Snape said in a challenging tone. “I beg you!” You beg for what, exactly?
“Severus don't be a fool,” said Lupin, trying to get close enough to try and sort the situation out.
“He can't help it, it's habit by now.” Sirius answered, trying to look at Snape and Lupin at once.
“Be quiet.” Lupin said.
“Be quiet yourself Remus.”
“Ah, look at you two...” Snape cut in, “Quarreling like an old married couple.” At this point, Lupin stepped forward and hooked Sirius by the arm. “Excuse me Severus, I need to have a word with the wife.” Before Snape could respond, Sirius was yanked out from under Snape's wand and pulled aside. After some heated whispering, Lupin brought Sirius back and Snape put his wand back in Sirius' neck.
“Thanks Severus.” Lupin said. He returned to his position.
Sadly, Steve decided to cut this, due to his dislike for Sirius and Lupin being together. Goddess JKR would have kept it in as well, but she decided not to get fans too excited too early.
“Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set?” Because it isn't the same as a potions set? Sirius asked, noticing Lupin had backed out of the situation after having rudely rained on Snape's parade. Snape jabbed even harder with the wand.
“I could do it, you know?” Yes, there are a lot of things you could do Snape, but which one of those things could you do here? He sneered. “By why deny the Dementors? because they suck... literally. They're so longing to see you.” Snape looked at his old school rival. “Do I detect a flicker of fear? You tell us and we will henceforth, know. Oh yes, a Dementor's kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. So start imagining and we will move the plot along. It is said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.” He said. We have visions of Snape sitting there holding his eyes open with his fingers while Sirius gets smooched by a Dementor.
“Severus please...” Sirius began, but suddenly the wand was withdrawn and pointed towards the open door. And this wasn't a good time to kick him over, tackle him to the floor and get the wand away from him?
While Snape's attention was withdrawn, Harry sneaked his hand around Hermione's back and slowly took her wand from her pocket and gave her bum a quick squeeze for Steve, since he was not on screen. Ron, noticing, moved Hermione's arm a little, so Harry could reach it more easily and making what Harry was doing more obvious.
“After you.” Snape snapped at Sirius, he then turned his attention to Harry, Ron and Hermione and inclined his head, telling them to leave. We suppose saying it would lower your status as a human being, wouldn't it? Harry then stepped forward extending the wand. Snape had one moment to realize what was about to happen before he heard Harry yell 'Expelliarmus' and he went flying backwards into a dusty, moth-eaten old four-poster bed. He then fell unconscious with the top part of the frame falling in on him. Pardon our noticing, but in book 5 and 6, Snape can read Harry's mind like an open book. So he surely would have seen it all coming and summoned a magical shield to deflect the spell. But since we aren't well informed enough about Snape at the present time, this was left out of canon, both book and movie.
We would also like to point out that it is from this point on that 'Expelliarmus' stops having its disarming effect as much as having its knock-back effect. The two spells are completely different. If you wish to knock someone over, the best spell is 'Flippendo.' Now, if Steve had played the games or even better, READ THE BOOKS he would have known these wonderful facts. But, as we all know, that is not the case.
Harry pointed his wand at Sirius. We wonder if he is getting tired of this? All these wands pointed in his direction and no one is casting any spells. Surely he could snatch a wand off someone before they bespell him?
Chapter 25: Peter Pettigrew. A tribute to our local and convenient Vold-E-Mart
“Harry, what did you just do?” Ron asked. Did the sudden crashing noises wake you up from your lack of lines? If you said yes, we are not surprised.
“You attacked a teacher!” Hermione said, absolutely horrified. Correction: he tried to DISARM the teacher, but Snape (somehow) went flying, wand still in hand (as far as we can tell).
“Tell me about Peter Pettigrew.” Harry demanded of Sirius while ignoring his friends. Such charming behavior. But we suppose it is premature revenge for the next movie.
“He was at school with us, we thought he was our friend.” Well that was a silly thing to do, wasn't it? Sirius began to explain.
“No. Pettigrew's dead. You killed him.” Harry said, turning his attention back to Sirius.
“No he didn't.” Lupin said, stepping between Harry and Sirius. “I thought so too, until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map.” Lupin explained. We want to know why the Twins had never seen Peter on the map before. After all. Scabbers had been around for a while.
“The map was lying then.” Harry said, trying to think of another reason why the map would show a dead person. Either because 1)It is their ghost or 2) The person faked his own death. Surely these thoughts crossed your mind Harry?
“The map never lies.” Sirius said. “Pettigrew is alive. And he's right there.” He continued, pointing to Ron. A long time in Azkaban makes you aim a little badly, doesn't it? I mean he missed the rat before and now he can't even point in a straight line.
“Me?” Ron asked in complete disbelief. “He's mental!”
“No, not you.” Sirius said, trying to contemplate why someone of his age would think that. Probably because Ron isn't the world's fastest thinker. “Your rat!” He snapped.
“Scabbers has been in my family for...” Ron began.
“Twelve years?” Sirius asked. “Curiously long life for a common garden rat? I have a diploma in rat biology. He's missing a toe isn't he?” Sirius continued, speaking rather quickly.
“So what?” Ron asked. Even from a canon point of view, we wonder why Ron doesn't make 2+2=4 faster. Harry told Ron all of the preceding events of Peter etc, at least in the book and off camera (again!)
“All they could find of Pettigrew was his...” Harry started.
“Finger!” Sirius said, interrupting. “The dirty coward should have a bath, as it has been years since he cut it off so everyone would think he was dead! And then he transformed into a rat.” Completely removing the Marauders and their time spent together as animals as well as the fact the four of them made the map and so on. For your big fat information Steve, you would have known Peter was an Animagus if you.... you get the point by now. Sirius explained, rounding onto the curled up form of Ron.
“Show me!” demanded Harry, his wand still pointed at Sirius. His arm must be ready to drop off by now. Looking rather pleased with the idea, Sirius looked at Harry for a moment, then leaned forward and tried to take the rat away from Ron, but Ron held onto him. Ron, its a rat, not your genitals.
“Give it to him Ron.” Harry said calmly but firmly. Like Ron is going to listen.
'What are you trying to do to him?” Ron asked, near hysterics. Ron, your sense of hearing and comprehension needs mass work. I went to Vold-E-Mart and brought you a few clues and a hint. Please use them when the plot takes the correct turns. “Scabbers!” He cried out in a pitiful plea for his pet back.”Leave him alone.” He noticed he was being held back by Harry. “Get off me.” Ron snapped. Looking back at Sirius, who had gone over to a dusty old piano to cast the spell, Ron tried once more to get some reason.
“What are you doing?” Ron asked.
Placing the struggling rat on the piano, Sirius and Lupin fired their spells at the now fast moving rat. Missed him by a whisker. Their spells missed and made the piano play some rather flat notes. Come on now, he only has nine toes. Still shooting spells, the rat managed to dodge each one as he fled down the piano and across the floor. He jumped to try and get through a hole in the wall, but a spell hit him and he turned into a human. This small amount of action first reminded me of 'Batman' (Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson) and the fight in the Cathedral. Jammed in the wall, the man looked around, his hands still in a rat-like pose, and his teeth sticking out over his lower lip. His hair was dark blond, balding and his face was very ratlike. We wonder why?
Snip: Ripped out of the wall.
“Remus?” He asked. “Sirius? My old friends.” He tried to make a sudden run for it, but Sirius and Lupin blocked his way. That was a very childish plan, Peter. Surely you can do better? Looking around, he saw a very shocked Ron, Hermione, and then he set eyes on Harry. Fresh meat!
“Harry.” He said, coming closer. “Look at you. Here's a mirror to do so. You look so much like your father, James. I think Harry knows his father's name. We were the best of friends...” Peter was almost on top of Harry which is not a healthy mental image at this point when Sirius jumped forward pointing a wand at him.
“How dare you speak to Harry!” He snarled. Peter withdrew in fear and ran. He got behind the piano and was cornered by Sirius on one end and Lupin on the other. Once again Peter, your ideas for escape plans fail. But, Vold-E-Mart can sell you magical escape kits for a few sickles.
“How dare you talk about James in front of him.” Sirius snapped.
“You sold James and Lily to Voldemort didn't you?” Lupin snapped, his wand now aimed at Peter as well. Well if they weren't having human trade-in sales down at Vold-E-Mart, then he might have left them alone.
“I didn't mean to.” Peter sniveled. ”But I really needed a life and it took 2 parents and a child to get one. The Dark Lord. You have no idea the weapons stock he possesses. The bargains he waves in front of you.” Peter said in a half threatening, half frightened tone. He pointed at Sirius. “Ask yourself Sirius. What would you have done purchased?” Peter said, very demanding. “What would you have done given up for a life?”
“I WOULD'VE DIED kidnapped rather than hand over my friends!” Sirius snapped at Peter, causing him to back away. Seeing his only hope for escape, Peter dived under the piano and ran for the door.
“I would have died kidnapped rather than betray sell my friends.” He yelled at Peter. Harry stepped in front of the door. Peter grabbed him and then started whispering in his ear.
“Harry! James wouldn't have wanted me killed. I think in the after life he would. Your Dad, he would have speared me a punch in the face beforehand. He would have shown me Mercy...” Peter was dragged off Harry and thrown to the floor. Sirius and Lupin stood over him.
“You should have realized Peter...” Sirius said, snarling in Peter's face, “that if Voldemort didn't kill you then we would. Together.” Sirius got ready to cast his spell when he was suddenly interrupted.
“NO!” Harry yelled out. Sirius and Lupin stopped. Lupin looked back at Harry.
“Harry, this man... has no life, we aren't really making much of a difference at all.” Lupin began.
“I know what he is and what he lacks.” Harry cut him off. “But we'll take him to the castle Vold-E-Mart,” He finished.
“Bless you boy.” Came Peter's voice. He started crawling towards Harry, “Bless you.” He reached out to hug Harry, but Harry stepped back
“Get off!” he snapped doing a very good impression of Draco. Peter fell to the floor. “I said we'd take you to the castle Vold-E-Mart. After that, the Dementors store owners can have you. I've heard some of the things they do to the people who are traded in. Do you know what they do to those people?" Peter sat up, sniveling in his rat-like way. He then cringed and cried out at the thought of being given to the Dementors store owners.