Bravado (ch. 3)
Title: Bravado
Author: spokes_man/shigai
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: AU, romance, drama
Length: 3/3 + epilogue
Rating: NC-17
Word count for this chapter: 9.394
Beta: guu_dammit
Banner: guirotic
Summary: Yunho dreams of being a dancer. He studies at the Korean University of Arts with his close friends, and enjoys a normal life of time killing schedules and cinnamon spiced coffees.
Eveything is well until Changmin's hyung, an aspiring film director that goes by the name of Jaejoong, comes back from Paris, for he claims he must film Yunho at whatever cost.
Not only does he claim he must film Yunho, he also doesn't miss the chance to make a move on him whenever he can.
month 3
January 1st. Mostly sunny. 5ºC by day, -6ºC by night. Jaejoong arrives home in the first hours of the day, takes out his clothes, dives into his bed and sleeps for most of the day. Wakes up with a major hangover. Doesn't eat more than an orange. Goes back to sleep.
January 2nd. Mix of clouds and sun. 3ºC by day, -9ºC by night. It snows that night. Jaejoong doesn't do much. Wakes up late, takes a shower, eats some cereals while surfing the TV. Checks his iPhone 4 32GB and sees some twitter alerts and a couple of mails. Check, check. None from Yunho. 'He's still dead? Poor thing'. He gets dressed, goes to work, comes back home late and sleeps.
January 3rd. Snow. -7ºC by day, -12ºC by night. Jaejoong wakes up late, takes a shower and drinks a boiling cup of coffee. Checks his iPhone 4 32GB, some twitter alerts, some e-mails. None from Yunho. He frowns; it's been 2 days without news from the dancer already. He goes to work, tries to call Yunho during his break but gets no answer. On his way back home, he calls Changmin. They decide to meet the next day. Jaejoong freezes his ass off walking back home, takes a boiling bath and fails at trying not to jerk off, remembering the kisses, the touches, the moans of the dancer. Then goes to sleep, restless.
January 4th. Snow. -9ºC by day. Jaejoong damns his luck.
He meets with Changmin at 12 pm at Gwanghwamun station, exit #2. The taller man is jumping from feet to feet while taking pics of the far away snow-covered palace with his Blackberry.
"Hey, sorry, am I late?" Jaejoong steps next to the younger, who turns to look at him.
"Ah, hyung! Not at all, I arrived earlier. Shall we go?"
"Sure, but you lead. I don't know that place." Jaejoong sinks his face under the huge grey wool scarf he is wearing. Changmin chuckles, and starts walking.
They keep mostly silent on the way to the restaurant, since the air is freezing and the place is close by, so they can perfectly wait to talk. They cross the huge avenue, walking past the Sejong Center for the Performing Arts, walk south until they turn right on a small street, and enter the small half-hidden restaurant.
An old woman greets them, and they decide to sit as far away from the door as possible. The place is cozy, small, and feels warm and comfortable. There's a lot of businessmen eating already, since this restaurant is located in the business area of the city, and it's famous for its wonderful Samgyetang. They take off their jackets, gloves, scarfs and beanies, and sit down after ordering two bowls of chicken soup. Jaejoong sighs comfortably.
"Finally, I start to feel my fingers again."
"Haha, yes, it's damn cold outside today. If I lose a limb, I'll blame you for making me get out of home today," Changmin grabs some raddish kimchi from the variety of banchans just brought to their table and eats it.
"You ungrateful kid, I'm sure you were dead bored at home!" Jaejoong frowns, grabbing some kimchi himself.
"No way! I was enjoying a self imposed cicle of Scorsese's films!"
"I am more important than Scorsese himself. I'll be more famous than him in the future, so enjoy the normalcy we can have now," the wine haired man smirks, chewing his food, and Changmin snorts.
"And why did such an important film maker require the presence of a mediocre best boy like me?"
Their dishes arrive right at that moment, and both smell it hungrily, eyes closed in delight.
"Aaah, it's been ages since I've eaten a good samgyetang! Let's dig in!" the younger man grabs the spoon and, blowing the boiling contents a couple of times, slurps happily, humming in bliss. Jaejoong chuckles while munching a piece of chicken coated with salt and pepper. "Well, talk, talk!"
"Hmmm it's just... have you seen Yunho this days? Or talked to him?"
Changmin stops with the spoon halfway towards his mouth, and looks at Jaejoong with a deadpan face.
"... what?"
Jaejoong fidgets with his chopsticks.
"You called me, met me, and came all the way here to ask me about Yunho hyung? Seriously?" Changmin eats the soup while shaking his head, "Why don't you just call him?"
"I already did, what do you think! But he doesn't answer, and he didn't reply any tweet back or anything..."
"Well, he's been half dead all these days, for all I know," Changmin doesn't stop eating for more than a couple of seconds, not even for talking.
"Really? You've talked to him?" Jaejoong leans forward on the table, metal chopsticks forgotten in his hand while chicken pieces are cooling on the small dish next to the soup bowl.
"Just once, really, on the... 2nd I think. I called to make sure he was alive...," the younger man grabs a piece of chicken with his chopsticks inside the bowl, and expertly rips the backbone and throws it in the small bin on the table, "You know, he was completely dead when I had to drag him back home after the club."
"Really? That bad?"
"That bad? No, more. Yunho hyung doesn't drink often because he is obsessed with his body health and whatnot, but when he drinks... gods, he's a sewer!" Changmin looks directly to the older man's eyes, and Jaejoong chuckles.
"A sewer."
"Yep. And when I found him in the bahtroom he was mumbling nonsense, and more off than on. It was HELL to bring him back to his place, since he wasn't even able to walk. Horrible, I tell you. He better be glad I was there, because if not he wouldn't have remembered the code of his door. It already happened to him, did he ever tell you?" Changmin smirks.
"No, never," Jaejoong shakes his head, and slurps spoonful after spoonful of delicious thick ginseng soup.
"Well, ask him, I'm sure he would love to tell you about it," the younger man eats the chicken pieces that were cooling on the small dish outside of the bowl. "So, that's it. He was a mess, threw up more than a couple of times..."
"He did? Oh my god, poor thing...," Jaejoong feels quite bad, thinking he 'abandoned' the wasted dancer without helping him. But if he had stayed there, he knew he would have continued kissing and touching the other. And that was a no no in the state they were that night.
"Yep, he was seriously bad. I stayed with him at his place that night, and when I saw he was only suffering the biggest hangover of his life the next day, I went back home." Changmin eats the last pieces of chicken left in his bowl, "Then called him at night to check again, and he said he felt like dying but he would survive. Haven't talked to him since then."
Jaejoong keeps silent, and proceeds to finishing his soup and chicken, while the youngest enjoys the last spoonfuls of his soup.
While they finish eating, they talk about other random things (like how Changmin enjoyed every little second of Yoochun dead drunk dancing suggestively with the ugliest girl in the whole club, and Junsu yodeling to the bar-men), walk to a nearby 4 floors Starbucks building, and keep on talking about this or that while enjoying the warmth of the cafe.
"Well, even if he doesn't answer you, you'll see him the day after tomorrow," Changmin leans back on the comfy couch once his coffee has been finished and abandoned on the low table.
"Yeah, I know...," Jaejoong doesn't meet the other's gaze, and keeps playing with the straw and the beverage.
"... ok, what happened that night?"
The red haired man looks at the youngest's eyes surprised.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Aha, you stutter. Spill it all, Jaejoong-sshi!" Changmin crosses his long and thin legs and leans himself forward, elbow resting on his crossed leg, chin resting on his fist.
"Nothing happened....," the older man looks outside the windows, and sips the last drops of his coffee.
"Kiim Jaeejooong," Changmin singsongs while he pokes the other's knee with his index finger, "spill it, spill it!! You're blushing! And now you're smiling like an idiot! Oh my god, did you confess your eternal love to Yunho hyung??"
"What!? No!!" Jaejoong slaps the taller's hand away from him, "Nobody confessed anything. We just.... kind of..... made out?" He whispers, shyly.
"WHAT!!?? YOU MADE Ougfglggg," Jaejoong throws himself forward, covering the taller man's mouth, while being completely flustered.
"Shut up shut up!!" He lets the other go, and Changmin laughs.
"This is so funny, gods! So you made out..."
He receives a murdering glare from the older man, but he just shakes his hand dissmesively, "and he hasn't called you, or contacted you in any way, right?"
"... right," Jaejoong finds himself pouting. And Changmin laughs louder. "It's not funny!"
"Ah, sorry hyung, but you two are just... really, I've seen dramas with less of a plot than your story. Well, don't worry too much. He was dead, I told you, and we graduate in a couple of months, and he's going nuts with his final dance. Surely he's been training completely disconected from the world. Not the first time he does it."
"Really?" There's a little hope in Jaejoong's voice.
"Really. Maybe he even thinks he dreamt it!" Changmin laughs again, "Just go to him on the first day, and talk to him, and tell him it was real and you want more, and everything will work perfectly."
Jaejoong sighs, but smiles without noticing it. He can't wait to meet Yunho, and make things work perfectly, as Changmin said.
They say their goodbyes and Jaejoong takes the subway back home. He rubs his hands together, frozen even with gloves, and looks at Seoul's city lights through the window. He can't wait to see Yunho the day after tomorrow, and he hides his smile under his scarf.
January 5th. Snow. -3ºC by day. -14ºC by night. Jaejoong checks his iPhone 4 32GB, sighs when he sees there's still no news from Yunho, but smiles and sends him another tweet, telling how much he looks forward to meet again tomorrow. Takes a shower, goes to work, and spends the rest of the day complaining to his co-workers of the damn cold. He sleeps deeply that night.
January 6th. Mostly sunny. 2ºC by day. Classes start again.
Jaejoong walks, hands in the pockets of his padded black jacket, red wool beanie down on his head. It's a little less cold than other past days, but still way too much for him, a spring creature. Some classmates wave at him and talk to him for some seconds, asking about his free days, new year, the final project, and that kind of stuff. Jaejoong smiles and answers politely, glad to be back in the university. He sees Junsu running after someone, who happens to be Changmin, so he decides to walk to them.
"Morning, gentlemen," he says. Catching up to them, he pats their backs.
"Jae hyung! Good morning," Junsu replies cheerfully, "How have you been? Haven't seen you since new year's eve!"
"I've been too busy, really," sighing dramatically, he turns towards the taller of the three, "and how have you been, dearest boy?"
"Fine in general, except for a day a hyung of mine decided to annoy me...," Changmin winks teasingly, and Jaejoong slaps his shoulder.
"How could you... oh! There's Yunho!" Jaejoong can feel his heart beating out of his chest. How is Yunho going to react when seeing him? Will he be shy? Will he stutter? Will he even remember at all? Jaejoong gulps nervously, and hears Changmin chuckling next to him.
"Just go already, hyung. Yunho hyung isn't going to bite you... even if you maybe would like that?"
"You idiot, shut up," Jaejoong mumbles, and somehow thinks that he's probably red. Junsu's smirk confirms his suspicions. Damn Jung Yunho, making him blush like a highschool girl! He smiles despite himself, and hurries his steps towards the oblivious dancer, walking before them.
"Hey!" Jaejoong pats Yunho's shoulder and smiles broadly when the other looks surprised back at him, "finally you show yourself! I thought you died or something, not answering my tweets or anything..." He winks humorously, but Yunho only stares at him, turns his head and keeps on walking. Jaejoong grabs his arm, "Hey hey, wait! What's up? Are you-?"
Yunho shakes his arm out of the wine haired man's hold.
"Leave me alone already," the taller man keeps on walking, and Jaejoong stands frozen for a couple of seconds. When his mind screams to him that Yunho is getting away, he moves and catches up again with the dancer.
"What the hell Yunho? What's the matter with you now?"
"With me? What's the matter with YOU," Yunho turns and stabs a finger at Jaejoong's chest, who's bewildered and doesn't understand anything.
"What the hell? What did I do now?"
"What is seriously wrong with you, Jaejoong?" Yunho's voice is powerful and angry, and Jaejoong can feel his heart beating out of his chest from pure nervousness, "What do you want with me? You flirt, then you stop, then you play with me, then you want to be friends, then you... I don't understand it anymore, I don't understand you!"
"What!? What are you accusing me of exactly?" He can feel himself getting angry under the other's wild glare.
"Of being a damn player! And I'm tired of this game, Jaejoong, I'm tired of these headaches!"
"You're tired?? What the HELL Yunho? I'm the one who doesn't understand you!"
"Well, perfect then, isn't it? Just walk away and leave me alone," Yunho turns around, intent on continuing his way to his first class, but Jaejoong sees red. He sees all the people looking at them, he sees the dancer's back, he thinks on what he feels, what he's done for the other, and thinks on how everything has turned into another missunderstanding. He is tired, too, he feels it is unfair. And so he grabs Yunho's shoulder and turns him, full rage painted on his face.
"Don't you dare turn your back on me, Jung Yunho!"
"What? Playing the almighty now?" The glare Yunho sends to him is so full of restrained anger that it takes the breath out of the shorter man.
"What the fuck, Yunho? What's your problem all the time? You should send me instructions on how to handle you, because I swear I'm going crazy trying to understand it!"
Yunho snorts, full of indignation.
"Could say the same, you know? You should tell me if you're seriously interested in something, or just want to play around," Yunho crosses his arms on his chest, and he looks too tall, too angry, too intimidating.
"Why are you telling this now!? I don't get it!" Jaejoong cries in frustration.
"Hey, what's up here?" Changmin's voice reaches the barista's ears, and he turns towards the taller man with a lost expression.
"Changmin, can you please ask Yunho what the hell is up with him? Cause I seriously don't get it".
"Everything is okay, Min, I'm just telling this boy here to leave me alone once and for all. I dont' want to be part of his games anymore," Yunho shakes his hand dissmisevely, and Jaejoong can't hold it anymore.
"THIS BOY? You call me this boy after everything that's happened between us?"
"Oh? And what is it that happened between us, Jaejoong? That you lured me like a vixen making me think you wanted something with me, to just leave me once you were tired?" Yunho spits with all his rage right in front of Jaejoong's face, hot breath against hot breath.
"I... WHAT? When have I done that??"
"Every fucking second? What, you're so used of playing with everybody that you don't notice when you do it anymore??" And that's what makes it. Before Jaejoong can think or process anything anymore, his fist is already connecting with Yunho's face, and Yunho is already falling backwards to the ground. But he doesn't feel remorse at all when Yunho's enraged glare meets his own; the dancer is back on his feet, and they are exchanging punches here and there.
He feels the taller man grabbing his scarf, tugging him forwards, punching his jawline. He answers by kicking the dancer's long legs, making him fall to the ground, and jumping on him. He punches Yunho's face once, twice, before Yunho stops his fist in middair and rolls them, forcing the barista to be the one underneath and receiving horribly painful blows on his cheeks, jawline, chin.
"I hate you! I fucking hate you!" Yunho is repeating again and again, everytime a punch connects with the barista's face. Jaejoong doesn't know where the pain is coming from anymore.
"What the hell, hyung!?" He hears a voice, and feels someone stopping Yunho and tearing him up, away from himself. Then he feels someone helping him sit up.
"Are you ok, Jae?" He opens one eye, painfully, and sees Junsu looking at him with concern, and Changmin holding Yunho a few meters away, talking with him. Yunho still looks enraged, ready to punch the life out of him at any second.
"What the hell...," he whispers, seriously not understanding how everything has turned into this.
"You stay away from me, Kim Jaejoong!" He looks back up at Yunho, who's bleeding, and yelling, and angry; but most of all, he looks hurt. Deeply hurt. And close to cry. "I've had it with you playing with my feelings, just stay away from me!" The dancer shakes Changmin's hold, grabs his bag and stomps his way to the faculty building. Changmin hurries after him, looking back pitifully at Jaejoong as if asking for forgiveness.
Junsu helps him to stand up and cleans his clothes from the ground's dust. A crowd is still looking at him, surely gossiping and, as he sees some mobile phones in their hands, tweeting about the 'exciting fight'. He can imagine photos and videos already flowing around. He watches Yunho disappear inside the building and feels his heart crack. So, this is it? Has he done everything so wrong? He thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he would be happy with Yunho in the end. How could he be so wrong?
"Can you help me to get to the subway, Junsu? I don't feel like going to class anymore."
"Of course, hyung."
Glad that Junsu doesn't try to convince him otherwise, or talk about it to him, he leans on the singer's shoulder and limps his way back to the subway. With every step he feels his heart heavier and heavier. So this is how it ends. Even before starting, it ends. I will never have Yunho. I will never be with him. He's sure now, what hurts the most in his beaten up body, is his heart.
Changmin hurries and catches up with Yunho right when the older is entering the restrooms. He follows in one second after, and closes the door behind himself.
"What was all that about hyung?? Why suddenly beat up Jaejoong when he was only...," he trails off when he hears Yunho sniffing, and walks close to him to find the taller man rubbing at his eyes angrily. "Hyung..."
"Leave me alone, please."
Changmin feels overwhelmed by the ammount of pain in his hyung's voice, but does as the older asks him to do, walking out of the bathroom.
Going his way down the hallway, he can't avoid replaying the events over and over in his head, thinking about why it had to happen like this. He didn't know Yunho was feeling so upset. Yes, the older man was in a bad state after new year's eve, but he didn't know it was this bad. Jaejoong looked so hopeful when they met the other day... He made a mental note not to forget to go to Jaejoong's place and talk to the oldest of them all.
Laying around, that's what Jaejoong's been doing for days already. He's gone from the bed to the couch, and from the couch to the bed, just doing the necessary trips to the bathroom and the kitchen for essential necessities. He hasn't gone to class since the fight, not wanting to walk around with a black and blue face and a broken lip. Damn Yunho...
Jaejoong groans again when the name crosses his mind. He's trying hard to not think about the other, because it only brings pain and headaches. He feels like shit, not sure if he has to be offended and infuriated, or sad and guilty. A mix of both is what's driving him mad, in the first place. How can he be so unlucky? The first time he really falls in love, he manages to mess it all up. He's confused Yunho so much that the dancer has lost any faith in him. And the worst thing is, he isn't even conscious of confusing Yunho. Maybe he is just not made for serious relationships? As much as he is infatuated (in love, really, but he finds it hard to say now) with the dancer, maybe he is just not cut up for the normal kind of relationships? Sighing, he continues with the job at hand.
He's been getting all the 'Yunho stuff' together, to try and get rid of it. Yes, he's arrived to the conclusion that the best is to just forget about this all. Yunho will be happier, and he will be happier, and life will continue its normal course. Easy said, really. He's having a hard time everytime he looks at what's inside one of his burnt DVDs and a gorgeous dancing Yunho appears on the screen of his Mac laptop (he's too coward to check what's burnt on the DVDs on his big screen. A too big image of Yunho would probably crumble his world right now). The process repeats everytime: he gets a non labelled DVD, puts it in his Macbook air, waits for the auto play to start, swallows nervously and then fights hard to stop himself from sobbing miserably when another Yunho scene appears on the screen. Why did he have to film so much of the other, really?
His heart stops when he's playing the 5th DVD. This is The DVD, the one he's worked on, the one he's edited. He made an assembly of his favorite scenes, and even put a song that fit the mood at that moment (meaning, a very deep and 'I'm so in love' song). He stops the video in a hurry and stays like that, eyes closed, hand over the keyboard, breath held and a tight and painful knot in his throat. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to end like this? He feels so much for the other man, so much...
The doorbell going off wakes him from his state, and he frowns, seriously considering just ignoring it, until the annoying sound comes again, and again, faster every time. Groaning, he stands up and stomps towards the door, opening it in one fast movement.
"Who the hell?"
"Hey hyung, surprise!" A smirking Changmin appears, finger still on the doorbell button. Jaejoong groans and walks into the studio, knowing that trying to stop Changmin would be useless. He hears the door closing, and Changmin getting his shoes off. Once he's sitting down on the couch in front of the Macbook again, Changmin enters the living room.
"What are you doing here, Min?"
"Came to check on you. How are you doing?" Changmin sits next to him, scrutinizing what Jaejoong is sure are his black and yellow spots and bruised lip.
"Awesome." He doesn't even bother to sound sarcastic.
"Mmm... may I ask what really happened?" Jaejoong groans again. "C'mon hyung, you were so wow in love and telling me how you made out and how you wanted to meet him and talk, and then suddenly you both just... beat the crap out of each other. Why?"
"I would like to know that, too," the wine haired boy sighs and leans back on the couch.
"What, you don't know why you suddenly punched Yunho's face?"
Jaejoong raises his head and looks up at the younger boy, gaping.
"Was I the one who punched first??"
"... yes?" Changmin looks at him as if he's gone mad, and Jaejoong covers his face with one hand and groans in frustration. "You didn't know you were the one who started?"
"It just... everything was a mess, and Yunho was saying such cruel things, and I got mad.... agh, really." Sighing again, he feels Changmin patting his shoulder.
"Well, you'll have to talk to him and ask for forgiveness...."
"No way I'm doing that."
Changmin looks back at him, alarmed, and opens his mouth to say something, but Jaejoong raises a hand in front of the youngest's face and stops him from doing so, "Look Minnie, I am over my limits already. This looks like it can't work! Follow the signs, one after another we've only messed everything up. I'm not cut for this, it's obvious, I can't do this 'loving' thing at all."
"Don't be an idiot now!"
"But! I also don't want to forgive Yunho. I've been wrong, sure, but he's not made it easier, you know? He's been so... touchy all the time, like I couldn't be myself around him without him being hurt or missunderstanding or..."
Changmin gives him a knowing glare, and Jaejoong just sighs again.
"I know it's been difficult, but you sure can understand it all, right, hyung? You both are from totally different worlds. He's conservative and hasn't had it easier with his sexuality, he's the familiar type who listents to his parents, and has had a hard time accepting he had to defy them. And you? You're open, you're wild, you're happy being who you are and proud of it. You are a player and you like people who likes to play too. It's normal you both collided, give it time and..."
"No, Changmin, you just said it. We're from different worlds." Jaejoong whispers, the pain too raw closing his throat, his voice husky.
"But that doesn't mean..."
"No, really, it just can't be any other way. We will just hurt each other again and again." He gulps, and feels the youngest's pitiful glance, but he knows he can't do any other thing right now. This is the best, for everybody. He has to forget Jung Yunho. "Minnie, can you do me a favor?"
"... sure." He knows the taller man has heard the trembling on his voice, the strained pain and the held tears, and he's grateful Changmin doesn't say anything about it.
"Can you please... get rid of this?" He pushes the eject button on his DVD player to get the DVD out, and hands it to Changmin, "I don't care what you do with it, I just... I worked on this and, it means a lot to me and... I can't just destroy it, but I don't want it around, so, please..."
"Sure hyung, don't worry." Changmin grabs the dvd and surrounds Jaejoong's shoulders with one arm, giving him a short hug. "You know you can count on me for anything, right?"
"Right," Jaejoong breathes deeply, and prays for the knot in his throat to go away once and for all.
When he calms down he offers some tea to Changmin, and they both try to talk about other things for a while, until it's obvious that Jaejoong isn't in the mood for anything, and Changmin decides it's better to just let the other rest. With promises of checking on him again soon, he walks towards the front door, and puts his boots on. Turning around, he looks at the older man with a sad smile.
"Don't look at me in such a pitiful way. Nobody died, here."
"Sure, hyung. But, can I remind you of something you said not that long ago?" There's that small smile on Changmin's lips, and Jaejoong knows he's not going to like what he's going to hear. Gulping, he nods his head.
"Go ahead."
"You said you wouldn't stop until Yunho hyung was yours." Jaejoong takes a deep breath, and swears his heart is not functioning right now. "I really admired you at that moment. Don't change your heart so fast, ok? Think about it." He only manages a small nod before the youngest walks out the door, waving at him.
Jaejoong just walks up to his room, listless, lays face down on his bed, and tries harder than ever to stop the tears wanting to break free from his eyes. He has made his decision, he's not going to be weak about it now. This is not a fast change of heart, this is the correct choice... right? He would have never imagined love could hurt so much. He will pray to never fall again.
Bare feet on the cold tiles of the floor, head resting on the table, Yunho sits crouching in front of it, arms thrown over the table carelessly. He looks like a lifeless body who just fell in that position. And somehow, he feels like that too.
He's been going to classes normally; he couldn't allow himself to miss any of them now that he was so close to graduating. Sure, basically it all consisted in dancing rehearsals, but his final project was a difficult one and he couldn't mess it up now. Even when feeling like crap, like he actually does.
He hasn't seen a glimpse of Jaejoong at all during the last days. One side of him is happy about it: avoiding conflict was something good. Another was worried sick and sad. Is the barista okay? Did he punch him too hard? Is he feeling betrayed? Hurt? Is he suffering as much as Yunho himself is? Sighing, he gives a sideway glance to his bag, resting against the couch on the floor. Changmin aproached him at school that morning and gave him a DVD without any label or instruction, and just told him to 'watch it and understand it', walking away, leaving the dancer dumbfounded.
He stretches his hand, grabs his bag and rummages for a while until he finds the DVD case. Standing up, he walks up to his TV system and turns the DVD player on, inserts the disk in, turns the TV on and walks backwards to sit on his couch, eyes glued on the screen. Right when he sits down, the images appear on the flat plasma.
The first thing he sees is a close up of his face. His eyes are closed, and he is breathing deeply, in concentration. It's weird to see himself on TV, and he doesn't know what to make of it. Why did Changmin give him this? Who did this to begin with? Before he can think of anything else, music starts playing. The eyes of the him in the TV screen open, and he starts to dance.
Soft accoustic guitar chords, no percussion, no other instrument, and then a husky and whispering voice. Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt, Still a little hard to say what's going on... Scenes are changing, he's sometimes dancing to classical music, other's he's smiling while doing a faster tempo dance. He's talking with people, he's smiling, he's drying his face with a towel, drinking water... Still a little bit of your song in my ear, Still a little bit of your words I long to hear, You step a little closer to me, So close that I can't see what's going on... The song is deep, the voice is full of feelings, desperation, longing. Love. Yunho gulps as the images changes and he sees the biggest rendition to himself he could ever imagine. And he knows, he just knows who's done this. He can imagine the other, sitting at his work room, editing the images, adding the music, smiling in triumph once he was satisfied with the result. He can see the other sneaking during his rehearsals to film him, running around not wanting to be caught, hiding behind doors and under desks just to be caught, and then laughing. That rich laughter, that wonderful sound.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
Yunho gulps. How did he miss all this? How didn't he notice this? He feels like crying, like yelling, like punching himself. How could he be so blind?
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
He loves Jaejoong. He loves him to the point it hurts. He loves him to the point he's become a blind idiot who can't see what's in front of him. Jaejoong DOES love him. Yes, the other is different to himself, so different that it's scary, but that doesn't change the fact that Jaejoong feels something for him. This video, this song... so many feelings put in there that make Yunho shiver.
He feels like an idiot. He loathes himself. He's been so blind towards the other, guarding himself egotistically against possible pain, not even wanting to think about the possibility of the other having true feelings. And he punched the other... Oh gods, he's beaten the hell out of Jaejoong!
Standing up, he rushes to his bag and grabs his cell phone, and desperately presses the touch screen until he finds the number he needs, and calls. A few rings later, he hears how the other side answers, but he doesn't let the other talk.
"Changmin! I'm an idiot! What should I do??"
"... yes, hello hyung. You're an idiot, yes, and I think there's no solution for it."
"Min, this is serious! I'm... I've just watched the DVD you gave me and... Gods Changmin, I love him, I love him and I've punched him and I've treated him like crap and..."
"Hey hey hyung, calm down!" Changmin sighs and talks more calmly, trying to send some of this calm to his hysterical hyung. "You should go and see him."
"How? How can I go to him after everything I've done?" Yunho is desperate, not really knowing what to do.
"Ah, stop being drama queens, really, it's annoying. Go to him, talk to him, solve this like adults, for god's sake! And don't bother talking to me again until you're both happy in love or I will seriously kick your balls once and for all."
Before Yunho can say anything else, Changmin hungs up on him. The dancer sighs, Changmin is right, but what can he do? How can he make Jaejoong forgive him? How can he even approach the other when it's clear Jaejoong doesn't want to be approached?
He opens his eyes widely. He knows. He knows exactly what to do.
Running up to his room, he grabs a sport bag and starts throwing in all the stuff he thinks he's going to need. Then he runs to his laptop, plugs in his iPod touch and downloads Damien Rice's album from Soribada. Getting himself dressed while the files download into his iPod, he looks at himself at the mirror and flinches. There's a long cut along his lower lip, he has a black eye and another bruise on his left cheek. Well, nothing to do about it now. When the songs are ready and loaded in his iPod, he unplugs it, puts on a jacket and nike shoes, grabs the sports bag and runs out of his place. He wishes and prays for the older man to be at home.
The doorbell going off distracts Jaejoong from his 'doing nothing' plan. He stands up and walks towards the door, sure that he's going to find Changmin, or Junsu, or Yoochun at the other side, people who came to check on him more than once already in the past days. Not even looking into the peephole, he opens the door while scratching his head, ready to complain about late hour visits. But his words die before they can leave his mouth.
In front of him there's Yunho. Serious, biting his lip, looking at Jaejoong from under worry-furrowed eyebrows. His hands hold a strap of a sports bag that's hanging from one of his shoulders, knuckles gone white from holding it too tight. What to do, what does he want, why is he here?
"Can I... come in?"
Jaejoong's going to say no. He's going to close the door in the other's face and just walk back to the couch and not care about anything. But he sees the broken lip, he sees the bruises on Yunho's face. He sees the sparkle on the dancer's eyes. And sighing, he opens the door and walks back into his studio, biting his own lip in nervousness.
"Thanks."
He turns and sees Yunho just standing there, at the entrance of his living room. They stay silent for a while, Yunho staring at the floor, Jaejoong trying to decipher what the hell the dancer was doing back in his life so soon.
"What do you want?" Yunho flinches at the older's tone, Jaejoong notices it. But he feels no regret at all.
"Umm well... I want to... I want to appologize." He looks directly into Jaejoong's eyes, and Jaejoong chuckles in annoyance, trying to cover the shiver those eyes are giving him.
"This is nonsense Yunho..."
"No, Jae, listen to me!" Yunho takes a couple of steps towards Jaejoong, and the latter feels like running away to his room and hiding uder the covers of his bed. But he has to be strong. He needs to play the part.
"No, Yunho, you listen. We're just hurting each other all the time, and it's tiring..."
"Please Jaejoong, just forgive me and we could...," Yunho is pleading, and Jaejoong is having a hard time keeping with his resolution right now.
"I'm tired Yunho. And I know you are too. Our faces are full of bruises because we're both tired." Yunho bits his lips and looks at the floor, and Jaejoong smiles sadly. "You see, it's better if we..."
"Film me," Yunho looks up directly at Jaejoong's eyes again, and there's strength in there, and so much feeling, that Jaejoong feels the air knocked out of him.
"W-what?"
"Film me. Dancing. I'll let you." Yunho steps forwards, small step after small step, and Jaejoong laughs out of nervousness.
"A little late for that, Yunho, even if I do appreciate it."
"Just film me, now," Yunho walks closer to him, pushes him back and Jaejoong falls on the couch, yelping out of surprise.
"Yunho! What the hell?"
"Shh!" The taller man opens the sport bag and takes out his iPod touch, throwing it into Jaejoong's lap, "Connect that, please. And here, your camera." The dancer gives the speechless man his Sony HD camera that was resting on the coffee table just seconds before. Jaejoong just looks at him dumbfounded. "C'mon, do so!" As if woken up, Jaejoong turns and connects the iPod to the sound system next to the couch he's been thrown onto. He hears Yunho rummaging around, asking him if he can move the table and moving it before getting an answer, and Jaejoong is completely lost, not understanding what's happening at all.
"Ok, the iPod's on, now what..."
Before he can finish talking, he turns and sees Yunho next to him. The dancer is shirtless and barefoot. He grabs the iPod and starts searching for the song he wants, while Jaejoong can't avoid himself from studying the taller man. His side has some dark bruises, and a part of his left arm is scratched, probably from when Jaejoong threw him to the concrete of the campus ground. He winces in pain and guilt.
"Done, are you ready?" Yunho looks back at him, and Jaejoong can feel himself blushing, so he looks down, ignoring the dancer in front of him. "Jaejoong. Turn on your camera."
"Why? I don't want to film you now." He knows he's sulking, but he's not going to back down on his decision. ...Is he? Biting his lip, he looks up at Yunho, and regrets it instantly. Yunho is looking at him in a way he can't describe. Yunho has never looked at him like that. It makes him feel self conscious, naked. As if the taller man knows everything about him, as if he could read him like an open book. Maybe he can? Maybe he knows Jaejoong is struggling with himself, fighting this sudden urge of standing up and kissing the other man senseless.
"Don't film me then. But watch me. And hear me. And understand it." Yunho presses the screen of the iPod touch and walks to the center of his living room.
Soft acoustic guitar chords fill the space, and Jaejoong inhales sharply. This is... this is the song he used for his DVD. How can Yunho... why...? Yunho starts moving, slowly, carefully, as if unraveling his long limbs from a tight knot. As if liberating himself. A hand covering his eyes is lifted, as if he had been blind but could see clearly now, and Yunho looks deeply into Jaejoong's eyes for a few seconds, before he turns, following the soft tempo of the song.
Jaejoong gulps painfully. Yunho is too beautiful, too perfect. And there he is, dancing in his living room to the song the film maker himself chose, to the song that described his feelings perfectly at the moment he edited the DVD. He knows Changmin has given the dancer the DVD, but somehow he can't feel mad about it. Yunho is there, after all, dancing to that song. Just for him. Just for his forgiveness. An overwhelming warm feeling fills him, and he feels it curling up from his toes, knotting itself in his belly. This is it, right? He's not missunderstanding it this time, right? Yunho isn't there only for his forgiveness. Yunho is there to make him understand his feelings. Without words, doing what he's best at, telling Jaejoong how he feels with his body, with his dance. He feels goosebumps all over his limbs, and he feels elated, ecstatic. Happy. Scared shitless, but happy.
The song ends, and Yunho just stands there, breathing fast. The dance wasn't a fast one, but he moved each and every one of his muscles in a tiring rhythm. They just stand there, looking at each other, silentily.
"I hope you can forgive me, Jaejoong." Yunho keeps trying to control his breath, and somehow Jaejoong thinks he's having a harder time than normally because the dancer is just that nervous.
"...I don't know Yunho."
"C'mon, you're the easy going out of the two of us. Don't let me down now." Jaejoong sees how a small smile forms in Yunho's lips, and he thinks on how he missed seeing the other smile. Or talk. Or dance. Or just seeing the other, in general. He sighs.
"You just drive me crazy, Yunho. I really don't know how to handle you."
"The feeling is mutual, then." Yunho walks up to him, and sits next to him on the couch. Jaejoong flinches at the proximity, and curses his nerves for making him act like a schoolgirl in love. Then he scolds himself too, for hitting too close to home with the comparison. "Look, this has been all too complicated for me, but I want you to understand how I feel. Will you listen to me?" Yunho looks at the wine haired man hopefully, and Jaejoong can only nod.
"Go ahead."
"Ok," Yunho takes a deep breath, "Well, you see, when you appeared I was stunned." Jaejoong raises an eyebrow at him. "Really! You're just... well, you're just gorgeous."
Jaejoong shivers, remembering new year's eve, and the restroom, and how Yunho had whispered those exact words huskily at him. Bad timing remembering this now, he tells himself. "And I truly felt like an idiot next to you. Like 'beauty and the beast', you know?"
"... you serious?" Yunho nods effusively. "You're an idiot"
"That I won't deny, I'm here appologizing to you for something, after all. Well, resuming. You're awesome, gorgeous, amazing, funny, smart, wonderful..."
"Ok ok, ok, I get it!" Jaejoong knows he is blushing deeply, and hates the small smile on Yunho's face.
"I've liked you since the beginning, Jaejoong." The future film maker looks sharply at Yunho, and only finds sincerity in the other's eyes. "A lot, I've liked you a lot since the beginning. But you intimidated me, being so open, so friendly, so direct. At the beginning I was scared of this flirting and I knew I didn't want a 'game' with you. I wanted more."
Jaejoong gulps, his heart on his throat.
"But then, why..."
"Let me finish," Yunho puts a hand on Jaejoong's thigh, and keeps on giving the older a warm smile, "So I'm an idiot as I said, and I thought you didn't want anything serious with me, only some groping and fast sex and that's all."
"That's not true!" Yunho looks at him, surprised at the outburst. "Well, maybe at the beginning it was. You're hot like hell, damn, how could I not want it?" Yunho blushes, and Jaejoong feels his confidence growing, "But then I got to know you better, and... and you're awesome, Yunho. You're nice, caring, funny, smart... you're perfect." He feels Yunho fidgeting on his thigh, and smiling he covers the other's hand with his own.
"But then why did you stop at the club?"
"Isn't it obvious? I just told you I don't want only sex with you." Yunho looks wide-eyed at him, and Jaejoong delights on how the other's eyes shine brighter, how his cheeks get redder.
"I don't want only that with you either," Yunho nods his head, and puts his other hand over Jaejoong's one, "I want... I want everything with you, I want..."
"Okay, okay, calm down," Jaejoong chuckles and blushes under Yunho's intense glare and the dancer's thumb caressing his knuckles. "We're too different, Yunho. Would something between us work?"
"..." Yunho looks down for a second, but looks back up at him with eyes full of determination. "We could try it." Jaejoong laughs. For the first time in long days, he laughs.
"We could try it? That's your answer?"
"Yes. I mean, sure, we're different, and we've already had a lot of problems even before being together, but... but I love you." Jaejoong gasps. His heart has beaten out of his chest already, now he is sure. "I love you and I can control and change how I am to adapt myself to you better," Yunho looks so serious, so determined, and so desperate at the same time. Jaejoong smiles warmly and caresses Yunho's bruised cheek with his free hand.
"I love you too." The film maker wishes his cam was on to record the dancer's expression right at that moment. Pricelessly speechless.
"You do." It is not a question.
"I do. And I can also change for the sake of us working."
Yunho looks positively speechless and close to breaking down and cry for some seconds, but he finally just shows a wide, bright smile. A contagious one, since Jaejoong ends up smiling too.
"Ok, so... we try?"
"We try," Jaejoong nods.
"... we're a couple?"
"Yes, we are," Jaejoong chuckles. Yunho's insecurity is so cute to watch. With a small yelp of euphoria, Yunho launches himself forward and hugs Jaejoong tight against himself. Jaejoong laughs and slaps Yunho's back, overwhelmed at his feelings and at the warmth from Yunho's naked chest surrounding him.
"I'm so, I'm... oh gods, I love you," Yunho keeps on hugging the other tighter, and Jaejoong starts pleading for his life. When Yunho finally lets him go, Jaejoong smiles warmly, caressing the taller man's arms, where goosebumps are running on the naked skin.
"We really have to compromise, ok, Yunho? I want this to work." Yunho nods effusively. "You won't doubt me anymore, and you will be more secure, right?"
"Sure. And you won't flirt anymore with anybody else, right?" Jaejoong chuckles.
"I'll try."
"HEY!!"
With Yunho slapping his shoulder in good spirits, Jaejoong feels like he can fly. He finds it funny that not even one hour ago he was sulking, heartbroken and hating the world. Blaming Jung Yunho with every swearing word he could remember. And now? Now he's laughing, with the perfect dancer close to him, trying to make him confess how much he loves the dancer again. Can this really work? Can two people so different really work together? Well, nobody will know if they don't try. And Jaejoong is willing to try. With all his might.
The air is cold. The stage feels inmense around him, in the auditorium's complete silence. Yunho breathes deeply, steadily, keeping his nerves in check. Suddenly a spotlight falls over himself, and the heartbroken melody of the piano and the violin fills the empty air.
Tchaikovsky, Piano trio in A minor. Pezzo elegiaco. Moderato.
Yunho is standing in the middle of the stage, in nothing but black short tight pants. Barefoot. Only himself, bared against the world, to express with his movement the majestuosity of this piece. Fast variations of tempo, from sad notes to extasied ones. Yunho runs, double pirouette, Rond de jambe, grand jeté, fouette en tournant. His technique is precise, perfect to every last detail. He doesn't miss one step, he doesn't mess one finger. His expression follows the melodies, now deep, profound, now exalted, hopeful. It is a difficult routine for a difficult and long piece, more than nineteen minutes of extreme technique display. But he's been training hard for this, he's been preparing for this practically his whole life.
Only himself with the music. Only his muscles to express his feelings. Only his emotions to understand the music.
He feels exhausted when the last sad compasses of the beautiful piece resound on the auditorium. He's sweating, his legs feeling like jelly, his stomach a tight knot of anticipation. He looks down to where the judges are sitting, talking between them. Nobody clapped, nobody cheered. Only silence accompanies him. He looks up to the back row of the audience seats, and sees a lonely figure sitting there, hands covering his mouth, and Yunho smiles, imagining his boyfriend biting his nails in nervousness. He is glad Jaejoong is there with him, he can feel the support and the love.
Before he can think about anything else, one of the judges calls his name, and he feels he suddenly can't swallow anymore.
"We didn't know if you were a genius or a fool for choosing such a difficult and long piece to perform. We heard about your talent and wanted to check if it was true." Yunho gulps again. His future depends on this, his life, his dream, depend on these words. He feels he can fall to the floor at any second. "Well, boy, you've made sure we checked it was real." Yunho blinks in confusion, too nervous to understand. "It's been ages since we've seen someone as good as you. You have raw talent, way beyond our expectations. Congratulations. You will make it big out there." The judge smiles, the other judges clap. He's just standing there, dumbfounded, until he hears an excited yell from the back row, and he wakes up. Jumping down the stage, he walks up to the judges and shakes their hands effusively, practically crying and making a fool out of himself. The judges just laugh and congratulate him again, grabbing their papers and proceeding to walk out of the auditorium. Yunho hears running steps, and turns right in time to grab a flying Kim Jaejoong jumping into his arms.
"Oh my god, Yunho, oh my god!!" Yunho just laughs and holds Jaejoong closer to him, euphoric and high with success and happiness.
"I did it," he whispers.
"You did it!!" Jaejoong leans back and slaps Yunho's shoulder, and the latter chuckles seeing the brigthness and wetness on Jaejoong's eyes. "You were, I am, this... oh my god!!" He hugs Yunho tightly again, the dancer laughing merrily. "I'm so glad I filmed all of this, I would have never forgiven myself if I could never watch it again!"
"You should thank me, I'm the one who gave you permission."
"I would have killed you if you hadn't," the film maker answers in full seriousness. The dancer only laughs louder. "So, you're an official dancer now, huh?"
"Yes, I am," Yunho saids proudly, and loves the feeling of knowing it truth.
"My boyfriend is a dancer... how sexy is that?" Yunho chuckles.
"Well, my boyfriend is a film maker. That sounds much sexier to me."
"That's just because you're thinking we can film some porn together." Yunho bursts out laughing, and Jaejoong laughs along with him. "We should go and tell the others!"
"Yes, we should."
"And we should go and celebrate that we're all finished succesfully!"
"Yes, we should."
"And you should stop looking at me like that, or I'm going to kidnap you, take you back home, and make that porn film we've just mentioned become a reality. You're half naked, sweating, and disheveled... don't tempt me more." Yunho smirks, leans down and kisses the shorter man deeply.
It's been a perfect month and a half. Hectic, what with having to get ready for their final projects and all. Yunho spent more than half of the time rehearsing, and Jaejoong filming him and then editing what he got (Yunho gave him permission to use him as the dancer for his film). They haven't had much time to be together as a couple, but in fact it was all for the better. During that time, they got used to the new situation. Yunho had time to think things calmly, to not feel so insecure all the time, to start believing in himself and Jaejoong, and to believe they were together. He had time to see Jaejoong wasn't really checking anybody else out, wasn't flirting at all. When someone approached him with such intentions, Jaejoong just politely refused them, sometimes even pointing out he was already taken. When Yunho asked him about it, Jaejoong just told him that 'he didn't feel the need to flirt at all. He felt loved enough by the dancer himself'. Yunho still feels elated with it.
They've progressed slowly, but with strong steps. They are more comfortable than ever together, and share everything. Sometimes they argue, sometimes they disagree, but they have learnt to talk it through and solve it. They know how to listen to the other, how to understand the other. They know each other better than anybody else. Better than they know themselves.
They break the kiss appart, and Jaejoong is flushed, smiling, and dreamy eyed, and Yunho falls a little more in love with him. Caressing his forehead, relishing in the soft bangs falling over the gorgeous man's eyes, he smiles warmly. Sure of himself. Loved. Happy, truly, for the first time in his life.
"Let me get dressed and we can go meet the others, ok?" Yunho whispers lovingly.
"Mmm, such a pity."
"Do you want me to walk half naked around the campus? Cause I can and..."
"Nonono!!" Jaejoong shakes his head effusively, "You have too many fangirls, and this is mine only." He hugs Yunho's torso posesively, and Yunho chuckles.
"Then let me go get dressed, ok?" Jaejoong nods, and Yunho walks up the stage and to the backstage to grab the bag with his clothes.
He smiles to himself while getting dressed when he hears Jaejoong humming the melody of the song he has just danced. Walking out to the stage, he finds the autumn colored man resting against a seat, checking the video he has just taken. Yunho sighs, feeling like the luckiest man in the world. Jaejoong looks up at him, and smiles. Yes. He is the luckiest man in the world.
"Shall we go?" Jumping down the stage, he puts an arm around Jaejoong's shoulders and kisses his cheek.
"Wherever you want."
And Yunho believes him. Because he's never going to doubt anymore.
FIN.
________
a/n: Yes, this is the last chapter! But there's going to be an epilogue that I'm sure you all will like ;P *points to the rating of this fic XD* I'll update it asap! ^^
I'll write the proper 'this was hard and I want to thank' note at the epilogue ;P
And I hope you find this fic, cause I'm not crossposting it at detox for reasons you all can imagine but I won't be talking about :)
Thanks for all the wonderful comments, I seriously need to sit down and answer you all ;_; stressing life sucks! XD
♥
Author: spokes_man/shigai
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: AU, romance, drama
Length: 3/3 + epilogue
Rating: NC-17
Word count for this chapter: 9.394
Beta: guu_dammit
Banner: guirotic
Summary: Yunho dreams of being a dancer. He studies at the Korean University of Arts with his close friends, and enjoys a normal life of time killing schedules and cinnamon spiced coffees.
Eveything is well until Changmin's hyung, an aspiring film director that goes by the name of Jaejoong, comes back from Paris, for he claims he must film Yunho at whatever cost.
Not only does he claim he must film Yunho, he also doesn't miss the chance to make a move on him whenever he can.
month 3
January 1st. Mostly sunny. 5ºC by day, -6ºC by night. Jaejoong arrives home in the first hours of the day, takes out his clothes, dives into his bed and sleeps for most of the day. Wakes up with a major hangover. Doesn't eat more than an orange. Goes back to sleep.
January 2nd. Mix of clouds and sun. 3ºC by day, -9ºC by night. It snows that night. Jaejoong doesn't do much. Wakes up late, takes a shower, eats some cereals while surfing the TV. Checks his iPhone 4 32GB and sees some twitter alerts and a couple of mails. Check, check. None from Yunho. 'He's still dead? Poor thing'. He gets dressed, goes to work, comes back home late and sleeps.
January 3rd. Snow. -7ºC by day, -12ºC by night. Jaejoong wakes up late, takes a shower and drinks a boiling cup of coffee. Checks his iPhone 4 32GB, some twitter alerts, some e-mails. None from Yunho. He frowns; it's been 2 days without news from the dancer already. He goes to work, tries to call Yunho during his break but gets no answer. On his way back home, he calls Changmin. They decide to meet the next day. Jaejoong freezes his ass off walking back home, takes a boiling bath and fails at trying not to jerk off, remembering the kisses, the touches, the moans of the dancer. Then goes to sleep, restless.
January 4th. Snow. -9ºC by day. Jaejoong damns his luck.
He meets with Changmin at 12 pm at Gwanghwamun station, exit #2. The taller man is jumping from feet to feet while taking pics of the far away snow-covered palace with his Blackberry.
"Hey, sorry, am I late?" Jaejoong steps next to the younger, who turns to look at him.
"Ah, hyung! Not at all, I arrived earlier. Shall we go?"
"Sure, but you lead. I don't know that place." Jaejoong sinks his face under the huge grey wool scarf he is wearing. Changmin chuckles, and starts walking.
They keep mostly silent on the way to the restaurant, since the air is freezing and the place is close by, so they can perfectly wait to talk. They cross the huge avenue, walking past the Sejong Center for the Performing Arts, walk south until they turn right on a small street, and enter the small half-hidden restaurant.
An old woman greets them, and they decide to sit as far away from the door as possible. The place is cozy, small, and feels warm and comfortable. There's a lot of businessmen eating already, since this restaurant is located in the business area of the city, and it's famous for its wonderful Samgyetang. They take off their jackets, gloves, scarfs and beanies, and sit down after ordering two bowls of chicken soup. Jaejoong sighs comfortably.
"Finally, I start to feel my fingers again."
"Haha, yes, it's damn cold outside today. If I lose a limb, I'll blame you for making me get out of home today," Changmin grabs some raddish kimchi from the variety of banchans just brought to their table and eats it.
"You ungrateful kid, I'm sure you were dead bored at home!" Jaejoong frowns, grabbing some kimchi himself.
"No way! I was enjoying a self imposed cicle of Scorsese's films!"
"I am more important than Scorsese himself. I'll be more famous than him in the future, so enjoy the normalcy we can have now," the wine haired man smirks, chewing his food, and Changmin snorts.
"And why did such an important film maker require the presence of a mediocre best boy like me?"
Their dishes arrive right at that moment, and both smell it hungrily, eyes closed in delight.
"Aaah, it's been ages since I've eaten a good samgyetang! Let's dig in!" the younger man grabs the spoon and, blowing the boiling contents a couple of times, slurps happily, humming in bliss. Jaejoong chuckles while munching a piece of chicken coated with salt and pepper. "Well, talk, talk!"
"Hmmm it's just... have you seen Yunho this days? Or talked to him?"
Changmin stops with the spoon halfway towards his mouth, and looks at Jaejoong with a deadpan face.
"... what?"
Jaejoong fidgets with his chopsticks.
"You called me, met me, and came all the way here to ask me about Yunho hyung? Seriously?" Changmin eats the soup while shaking his head, "Why don't you just call him?"
"I already did, what do you think! But he doesn't answer, and he didn't reply any tweet back or anything..."
"Well, he's been half dead all these days, for all I know," Changmin doesn't stop eating for more than a couple of seconds, not even for talking.
"Really? You've talked to him?" Jaejoong leans forward on the table, metal chopsticks forgotten in his hand while chicken pieces are cooling on the small dish next to the soup bowl.
"Just once, really, on the... 2nd I think. I called to make sure he was alive...," the younger man grabs a piece of chicken with his chopsticks inside the bowl, and expertly rips the backbone and throws it in the small bin on the table, "You know, he was completely dead when I had to drag him back home after the club."
"Really? That bad?"
"That bad? No, more. Yunho hyung doesn't drink often because he is obsessed with his body health and whatnot, but when he drinks... gods, he's a sewer!" Changmin looks directly to the older man's eyes, and Jaejoong chuckles.
"A sewer."
"Yep. And when I found him in the bahtroom he was mumbling nonsense, and more off than on. It was HELL to bring him back to his place, since he wasn't even able to walk. Horrible, I tell you. He better be glad I was there, because if not he wouldn't have remembered the code of his door. It already happened to him, did he ever tell you?" Changmin smirks.
"No, never," Jaejoong shakes his head, and slurps spoonful after spoonful of delicious thick ginseng soup.
"Well, ask him, I'm sure he would love to tell you about it," the younger man eats the chicken pieces that were cooling on the small dish outside of the bowl. "So, that's it. He was a mess, threw up more than a couple of times..."
"He did? Oh my god, poor thing...," Jaejoong feels quite bad, thinking he 'abandoned' the wasted dancer without helping him. But if he had stayed there, he knew he would have continued kissing and touching the other. And that was a no no in the state they were that night.
"Yep, he was seriously bad. I stayed with him at his place that night, and when I saw he was only suffering the biggest hangover of his life the next day, I went back home." Changmin eats the last pieces of chicken left in his bowl, "Then called him at night to check again, and he said he felt like dying but he would survive. Haven't talked to him since then."
Jaejoong keeps silent, and proceeds to finishing his soup and chicken, while the youngest enjoys the last spoonfuls of his soup.
While they finish eating, they talk about other random things (like how Changmin enjoyed every little second of Yoochun dead drunk dancing suggestively with the ugliest girl in the whole club, and Junsu yodeling to the bar-men), walk to a nearby 4 floors Starbucks building, and keep on talking about this or that while enjoying the warmth of the cafe.
"Well, even if he doesn't answer you, you'll see him the day after tomorrow," Changmin leans back on the comfy couch once his coffee has been finished and abandoned on the low table.
"Yeah, I know...," Jaejoong doesn't meet the other's gaze, and keeps playing with the straw and the beverage.
"... ok, what happened that night?"
The red haired man looks at the youngest's eyes surprised.
"W-what do you mean?"
"Aha, you stutter. Spill it all, Jaejoong-sshi!" Changmin crosses his long and thin legs and leans himself forward, elbow resting on his crossed leg, chin resting on his fist.
"Nothing happened....," the older man looks outside the windows, and sips the last drops of his coffee.
"Kiim Jaeejooong," Changmin singsongs while he pokes the other's knee with his index finger, "spill it, spill it!! You're blushing! And now you're smiling like an idiot! Oh my god, did you confess your eternal love to Yunho hyung??"
"What!? No!!" Jaejoong slaps the taller's hand away from him, "Nobody confessed anything. We just.... kind of..... made out?" He whispers, shyly.
"WHAT!!?? YOU MADE Ougfglggg," Jaejoong throws himself forward, covering the taller man's mouth, while being completely flustered.
"Shut up shut up!!" He lets the other go, and Changmin laughs.
"This is so funny, gods! So you made out..."
He receives a murdering glare from the older man, but he just shakes his hand dissmesively, "and he hasn't called you, or contacted you in any way, right?"
"... right," Jaejoong finds himself pouting. And Changmin laughs louder. "It's not funny!"
"Ah, sorry hyung, but you two are just... really, I've seen dramas with less of a plot than your story. Well, don't worry too much. He was dead, I told you, and we graduate in a couple of months, and he's going nuts with his final dance. Surely he's been training completely disconected from the world. Not the first time he does it."
"Really?" There's a little hope in Jaejoong's voice.
"Really. Maybe he even thinks he dreamt it!" Changmin laughs again, "Just go to him on the first day, and talk to him, and tell him it was real and you want more, and everything will work perfectly."
Jaejoong sighs, but smiles without noticing it. He can't wait to meet Yunho, and make things work perfectly, as Changmin said.
They say their goodbyes and Jaejoong takes the subway back home. He rubs his hands together, frozen even with gloves, and looks at Seoul's city lights through the window. He can't wait to see Yunho the day after tomorrow, and he hides his smile under his scarf.
January 5th. Snow. -3ºC by day. -14ºC by night. Jaejoong checks his iPhone 4 32GB, sighs when he sees there's still no news from Yunho, but smiles and sends him another tweet, telling how much he looks forward to meet again tomorrow. Takes a shower, goes to work, and spends the rest of the day complaining to his co-workers of the damn cold. He sleeps deeply that night.
January 6th. Mostly sunny. 2ºC by day. Classes start again.
Jaejoong walks, hands in the pockets of his padded black jacket, red wool beanie down on his head. It's a little less cold than other past days, but still way too much for him, a spring creature. Some classmates wave at him and talk to him for some seconds, asking about his free days, new year, the final project, and that kind of stuff. Jaejoong smiles and answers politely, glad to be back in the university. He sees Junsu running after someone, who happens to be Changmin, so he decides to walk to them.
"Morning, gentlemen," he says. Catching up to them, he pats their backs.
"Jae hyung! Good morning," Junsu replies cheerfully, "How have you been? Haven't seen you since new year's eve!"
"I've been too busy, really," sighing dramatically, he turns towards the taller of the three, "and how have you been, dearest boy?"
"Fine in general, except for a day a hyung of mine decided to annoy me...," Changmin winks teasingly, and Jaejoong slaps his shoulder.
"How could you... oh! There's Yunho!" Jaejoong can feel his heart beating out of his chest. How is Yunho going to react when seeing him? Will he be shy? Will he stutter? Will he even remember at all? Jaejoong gulps nervously, and hears Changmin chuckling next to him.
"Just go already, hyung. Yunho hyung isn't going to bite you... even if you maybe would like that?"
"You idiot, shut up," Jaejoong mumbles, and somehow thinks that he's probably red. Junsu's smirk confirms his suspicions. Damn Jung Yunho, making him blush like a highschool girl! He smiles despite himself, and hurries his steps towards the oblivious dancer, walking before them.
"Hey!" Jaejoong pats Yunho's shoulder and smiles broadly when the other looks surprised back at him, "finally you show yourself! I thought you died or something, not answering my tweets or anything..." He winks humorously, but Yunho only stares at him, turns his head and keeps on walking. Jaejoong grabs his arm, "Hey hey, wait! What's up? Are you-?"
Yunho shakes his arm out of the wine haired man's hold.
"Leave me alone already," the taller man keeps on walking, and Jaejoong stands frozen for a couple of seconds. When his mind screams to him that Yunho is getting away, he moves and catches up again with the dancer.
"What the hell Yunho? What's the matter with you now?"
"With me? What's the matter with YOU," Yunho turns and stabs a finger at Jaejoong's chest, who's bewildered and doesn't understand anything.
"What the hell? What did I do now?"
"What is seriously wrong with you, Jaejoong?" Yunho's voice is powerful and angry, and Jaejoong can feel his heart beating out of his chest from pure nervousness, "What do you want with me? You flirt, then you stop, then you play with me, then you want to be friends, then you... I don't understand it anymore, I don't understand you!"
"What!? What are you accusing me of exactly?" He can feel himself getting angry under the other's wild glare.
"Of being a damn player! And I'm tired of this game, Jaejoong, I'm tired of these headaches!"
"You're tired?? What the HELL Yunho? I'm the one who doesn't understand you!"
"Well, perfect then, isn't it? Just walk away and leave me alone," Yunho turns around, intent on continuing his way to his first class, but Jaejoong sees red. He sees all the people looking at them, he sees the dancer's back, he thinks on what he feels, what he's done for the other, and thinks on how everything has turned into another missunderstanding. He is tired, too, he feels it is unfair. And so he grabs Yunho's shoulder and turns him, full rage painted on his face.
"Don't you dare turn your back on me, Jung Yunho!"
"What? Playing the almighty now?" The glare Yunho sends to him is so full of restrained anger that it takes the breath out of the shorter man.
"What the fuck, Yunho? What's your problem all the time? You should send me instructions on how to handle you, because I swear I'm going crazy trying to understand it!"
Yunho snorts, full of indignation.
"Could say the same, you know? You should tell me if you're seriously interested in something, or just want to play around," Yunho crosses his arms on his chest, and he looks too tall, too angry, too intimidating.
"Why are you telling this now!? I don't get it!" Jaejoong cries in frustration.
"Hey, what's up here?" Changmin's voice reaches the barista's ears, and he turns towards the taller man with a lost expression.
"Changmin, can you please ask Yunho what the hell is up with him? Cause I seriously don't get it".
"Everything is okay, Min, I'm just telling this boy here to leave me alone once and for all. I dont' want to be part of his games anymore," Yunho shakes his hand dissmisevely, and Jaejoong can't hold it anymore.
"THIS BOY? You call me this boy after everything that's happened between us?"
"Oh? And what is it that happened between us, Jaejoong? That you lured me like a vixen making me think you wanted something with me, to just leave me once you were tired?" Yunho spits with all his rage right in front of Jaejoong's face, hot breath against hot breath.
"I... WHAT? When have I done that??"
"Every fucking second? What, you're so used of playing with everybody that you don't notice when you do it anymore??" And that's what makes it. Before Jaejoong can think or process anything anymore, his fist is already connecting with Yunho's face, and Yunho is already falling backwards to the ground. But he doesn't feel remorse at all when Yunho's enraged glare meets his own; the dancer is back on his feet, and they are exchanging punches here and there.
He feels the taller man grabbing his scarf, tugging him forwards, punching his jawline. He answers by kicking the dancer's long legs, making him fall to the ground, and jumping on him. He punches Yunho's face once, twice, before Yunho stops his fist in middair and rolls them, forcing the barista to be the one underneath and receiving horribly painful blows on his cheeks, jawline, chin.
"I hate you! I fucking hate you!" Yunho is repeating again and again, everytime a punch connects with the barista's face. Jaejoong doesn't know where the pain is coming from anymore.
"What the hell, hyung!?" He hears a voice, and feels someone stopping Yunho and tearing him up, away from himself. Then he feels someone helping him sit up.
"Are you ok, Jae?" He opens one eye, painfully, and sees Junsu looking at him with concern, and Changmin holding Yunho a few meters away, talking with him. Yunho still looks enraged, ready to punch the life out of him at any second.
"What the hell...," he whispers, seriously not understanding how everything has turned into this.
"You stay away from me, Kim Jaejoong!" He looks back up at Yunho, who's bleeding, and yelling, and angry; but most of all, he looks hurt. Deeply hurt. And close to cry. "I've had it with you playing with my feelings, just stay away from me!" The dancer shakes Changmin's hold, grabs his bag and stomps his way to the faculty building. Changmin hurries after him, looking back pitifully at Jaejoong as if asking for forgiveness.
Junsu helps him to stand up and cleans his clothes from the ground's dust. A crowd is still looking at him, surely gossiping and, as he sees some mobile phones in their hands, tweeting about the 'exciting fight'. He can imagine photos and videos already flowing around. He watches Yunho disappear inside the building and feels his heart crack. So, this is it? Has he done everything so wrong? He thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he would be happy with Yunho in the end. How could he be so wrong?
"Can you help me to get to the subway, Junsu? I don't feel like going to class anymore."
"Of course, hyung."
Glad that Junsu doesn't try to convince him otherwise, or talk about it to him, he leans on the singer's shoulder and limps his way back to the subway. With every step he feels his heart heavier and heavier. So this is how it ends. Even before starting, it ends. I will never have Yunho. I will never be with him. He's sure now, what hurts the most in his beaten up body, is his heart.
Changmin hurries and catches up with Yunho right when the older is entering the restrooms. He follows in one second after, and closes the door behind himself.
"What was all that about hyung?? Why suddenly beat up Jaejoong when he was only...," he trails off when he hears Yunho sniffing, and walks close to him to find the taller man rubbing at his eyes angrily. "Hyung..."
"Leave me alone, please."
Changmin feels overwhelmed by the ammount of pain in his hyung's voice, but does as the older asks him to do, walking out of the bathroom.
Going his way down the hallway, he can't avoid replaying the events over and over in his head, thinking about why it had to happen like this. He didn't know Yunho was feeling so upset. Yes, the older man was in a bad state after new year's eve, but he didn't know it was this bad. Jaejoong looked so hopeful when they met the other day... He made a mental note not to forget to go to Jaejoong's place and talk to the oldest of them all.
Laying around, that's what Jaejoong's been doing for days already. He's gone from the bed to the couch, and from the couch to the bed, just doing the necessary trips to the bathroom and the kitchen for essential necessities. He hasn't gone to class since the fight, not wanting to walk around with a black and blue face and a broken lip. Damn Yunho...
Jaejoong groans again when the name crosses his mind. He's trying hard to not think about the other, because it only brings pain and headaches. He feels like shit, not sure if he has to be offended and infuriated, or sad and guilty. A mix of both is what's driving him mad, in the first place. How can he be so unlucky? The first time he really falls in love, he manages to mess it all up. He's confused Yunho so much that the dancer has lost any faith in him. And the worst thing is, he isn't even conscious of confusing Yunho. Maybe he is just not made for serious relationships? As much as he is infatuated (in love, really, but he finds it hard to say now) with the dancer, maybe he is just not cut up for the normal kind of relationships? Sighing, he continues with the job at hand.
He's been getting all the 'Yunho stuff' together, to try and get rid of it. Yes, he's arrived to the conclusion that the best is to just forget about this all. Yunho will be happier, and he will be happier, and life will continue its normal course. Easy said, really. He's having a hard time everytime he looks at what's inside one of his burnt DVDs and a gorgeous dancing Yunho appears on the screen of his Mac laptop (he's too coward to check what's burnt on the DVDs on his big screen. A too big image of Yunho would probably crumble his world right now). The process repeats everytime: he gets a non labelled DVD, puts it in his Macbook air, waits for the auto play to start, swallows nervously and then fights hard to stop himself from sobbing miserably when another Yunho scene appears on the screen. Why did he have to film so much of the other, really?
His heart stops when he's playing the 5th DVD. This is The DVD, the one he's worked on, the one he's edited. He made an assembly of his favorite scenes, and even put a song that fit the mood at that moment (meaning, a very deep and 'I'm so in love' song). He stops the video in a hurry and stays like that, eyes closed, hand over the keyboard, breath held and a tight and painful knot in his throat. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to end like this? He feels so much for the other man, so much...
The doorbell going off wakes him from his state, and he frowns, seriously considering just ignoring it, until the annoying sound comes again, and again, faster every time. Groaning, he stands up and stomps towards the door, opening it in one fast movement.
"Who the hell?"
"Hey hyung, surprise!" A smirking Changmin appears, finger still on the doorbell button. Jaejoong groans and walks into the studio, knowing that trying to stop Changmin would be useless. He hears the door closing, and Changmin getting his shoes off. Once he's sitting down on the couch in front of the Macbook again, Changmin enters the living room.
"What are you doing here, Min?"
"Came to check on you. How are you doing?" Changmin sits next to him, scrutinizing what Jaejoong is sure are his black and yellow spots and bruised lip.
"Awesome." He doesn't even bother to sound sarcastic.
"Mmm... may I ask what really happened?" Jaejoong groans again. "C'mon hyung, you were so wow in love and telling me how you made out and how you wanted to meet him and talk, and then suddenly you both just... beat the crap out of each other. Why?"
"I would like to know that, too," the wine haired boy sighs and leans back on the couch.
"What, you don't know why you suddenly punched Yunho's face?"
Jaejoong raises his head and looks up at the younger boy, gaping.
"Was I the one who punched first??"
"... yes?" Changmin looks at him as if he's gone mad, and Jaejoong covers his face with one hand and groans in frustration. "You didn't know you were the one who started?"
"It just... everything was a mess, and Yunho was saying such cruel things, and I got mad.... agh, really." Sighing again, he feels Changmin patting his shoulder.
"Well, you'll have to talk to him and ask for forgiveness...."
"No way I'm doing that."
Changmin looks back at him, alarmed, and opens his mouth to say something, but Jaejoong raises a hand in front of the youngest's face and stops him from doing so, "Look Minnie, I am over my limits already. This looks like it can't work! Follow the signs, one after another we've only messed everything up. I'm not cut for this, it's obvious, I can't do this 'loving' thing at all."
"Don't be an idiot now!"
"But! I also don't want to forgive Yunho. I've been wrong, sure, but he's not made it easier, you know? He's been so... touchy all the time, like I couldn't be myself around him without him being hurt or missunderstanding or..."
Changmin gives him a knowing glare, and Jaejoong just sighs again.
"I know it's been difficult, but you sure can understand it all, right, hyung? You both are from totally different worlds. He's conservative and hasn't had it easier with his sexuality, he's the familiar type who listents to his parents, and has had a hard time accepting he had to defy them. And you? You're open, you're wild, you're happy being who you are and proud of it. You are a player and you like people who likes to play too. It's normal you both collided, give it time and..."
"No, Changmin, you just said it. We're from different worlds." Jaejoong whispers, the pain too raw closing his throat, his voice husky.
"But that doesn't mean..."
"No, really, it just can't be any other way. We will just hurt each other again and again." He gulps, and feels the youngest's pitiful glance, but he knows he can't do any other thing right now. This is the best, for everybody. He has to forget Jung Yunho. "Minnie, can you do me a favor?"
"... sure." He knows the taller man has heard the trembling on his voice, the strained pain and the held tears, and he's grateful Changmin doesn't say anything about it.
"Can you please... get rid of this?" He pushes the eject button on his DVD player to get the DVD out, and hands it to Changmin, "I don't care what you do with it, I just... I worked on this and, it means a lot to me and... I can't just destroy it, but I don't want it around, so, please..."
"Sure hyung, don't worry." Changmin grabs the dvd and surrounds Jaejoong's shoulders with one arm, giving him a short hug. "You know you can count on me for anything, right?"
"Right," Jaejoong breathes deeply, and prays for the knot in his throat to go away once and for all.
When he calms down he offers some tea to Changmin, and they both try to talk about other things for a while, until it's obvious that Jaejoong isn't in the mood for anything, and Changmin decides it's better to just let the other rest. With promises of checking on him again soon, he walks towards the front door, and puts his boots on. Turning around, he looks at the older man with a sad smile.
"Don't look at me in such a pitiful way. Nobody died, here."
"Sure, hyung. But, can I remind you of something you said not that long ago?" There's that small smile on Changmin's lips, and Jaejoong knows he's not going to like what he's going to hear. Gulping, he nods his head.
"Go ahead."
"You said you wouldn't stop until Yunho hyung was yours." Jaejoong takes a deep breath, and swears his heart is not functioning right now. "I really admired you at that moment. Don't change your heart so fast, ok? Think about it." He only manages a small nod before the youngest walks out the door, waving at him.
Jaejoong just walks up to his room, listless, lays face down on his bed, and tries harder than ever to stop the tears wanting to break free from his eyes. He has made his decision, he's not going to be weak about it now. This is not a fast change of heart, this is the correct choice... right? He would have never imagined love could hurt so much. He will pray to never fall again.
Bare feet on the cold tiles of the floor, head resting on the table, Yunho sits crouching in front of it, arms thrown over the table carelessly. He looks like a lifeless body who just fell in that position. And somehow, he feels like that too.
He's been going to classes normally; he couldn't allow himself to miss any of them now that he was so close to graduating. Sure, basically it all consisted in dancing rehearsals, but his final project was a difficult one and he couldn't mess it up now. Even when feeling like crap, like he actually does.
He hasn't seen a glimpse of Jaejoong at all during the last days. One side of him is happy about it: avoiding conflict was something good. Another was worried sick and sad. Is the barista okay? Did he punch him too hard? Is he feeling betrayed? Hurt? Is he suffering as much as Yunho himself is? Sighing, he gives a sideway glance to his bag, resting against the couch on the floor. Changmin aproached him at school that morning and gave him a DVD without any label or instruction, and just told him to 'watch it and understand it', walking away, leaving the dancer dumbfounded.
He stretches his hand, grabs his bag and rummages for a while until he finds the DVD case. Standing up, he walks up to his TV system and turns the DVD player on, inserts the disk in, turns the TV on and walks backwards to sit on his couch, eyes glued on the screen. Right when he sits down, the images appear on the flat plasma.
The first thing he sees is a close up of his face. His eyes are closed, and he is breathing deeply, in concentration. It's weird to see himself on TV, and he doesn't know what to make of it. Why did Changmin give him this? Who did this to begin with? Before he can think of anything else, music starts playing. The eyes of the him in the TV screen open, and he starts to dance.
Soft accoustic guitar chords, no percussion, no other instrument, and then a husky and whispering voice. Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth, Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt, Still a little hard to say what's going on... Scenes are changing, he's sometimes dancing to classical music, other's he's smiling while doing a faster tempo dance. He's talking with people, he's smiling, he's drying his face with a towel, drinking water... Still a little bit of your song in my ear, Still a little bit of your words I long to hear, You step a little closer to me, So close that I can't see what's going on... The song is deep, the voice is full of feelings, desperation, longing. Love. Yunho gulps as the images changes and he sees the biggest rendition to himself he could ever imagine. And he knows, he just knows who's done this. He can imagine the other, sitting at his work room, editing the images, adding the music, smiling in triumph once he was satisfied with the result. He can see the other sneaking during his rehearsals to film him, running around not wanting to be caught, hiding behind doors and under desks just to be caught, and then laughing. That rich laughter, that wonderful sound.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
Yunho gulps. How did he miss all this? How didn't he notice this? He feels like crying, like yelling, like punching himself. How could he be so blind?
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
He loves Jaejoong. He loves him to the point it hurts. He loves him to the point he's become a blind idiot who can't see what's in front of him. Jaejoong DOES love him. Yes, the other is different to himself, so different that it's scary, but that doesn't change the fact that Jaejoong feels something for him. This video, this song... so many feelings put in there that make Yunho shiver.
He feels like an idiot. He loathes himself. He's been so blind towards the other, guarding himself egotistically against possible pain, not even wanting to think about the possibility of the other having true feelings. And he punched the other... Oh gods, he's beaten the hell out of Jaejoong!
Standing up, he rushes to his bag and grabs his cell phone, and desperately presses the touch screen until he finds the number he needs, and calls. A few rings later, he hears how the other side answers, but he doesn't let the other talk.
"Changmin! I'm an idiot! What should I do??"
"... yes, hello hyung. You're an idiot, yes, and I think there's no solution for it."
"Min, this is serious! I'm... I've just watched the DVD you gave me and... Gods Changmin, I love him, I love him and I've punched him and I've treated him like crap and..."
"Hey hey hyung, calm down!" Changmin sighs and talks more calmly, trying to send some of this calm to his hysterical hyung. "You should go and see him."
"How? How can I go to him after everything I've done?" Yunho is desperate, not really knowing what to do.
"Ah, stop being drama queens, really, it's annoying. Go to him, talk to him, solve this like adults, for god's sake! And don't bother talking to me again until you're both happy in love or I will seriously kick your balls once and for all."
Before Yunho can say anything else, Changmin hungs up on him. The dancer sighs, Changmin is right, but what can he do? How can he make Jaejoong forgive him? How can he even approach the other when it's clear Jaejoong doesn't want to be approached?
He opens his eyes widely. He knows. He knows exactly what to do.
Running up to his room, he grabs a sport bag and starts throwing in all the stuff he thinks he's going to need. Then he runs to his laptop, plugs in his iPod touch and downloads Damien Rice's album from Soribada. Getting himself dressed while the files download into his iPod, he looks at himself at the mirror and flinches. There's a long cut along his lower lip, he has a black eye and another bruise on his left cheek. Well, nothing to do about it now. When the songs are ready and loaded in his iPod, he unplugs it, puts on a jacket and nike shoes, grabs the sports bag and runs out of his place. He wishes and prays for the older man to be at home.
The doorbell going off distracts Jaejoong from his 'doing nothing' plan. He stands up and walks towards the door, sure that he's going to find Changmin, or Junsu, or Yoochun at the other side, people who came to check on him more than once already in the past days. Not even looking into the peephole, he opens the door while scratching his head, ready to complain about late hour visits. But his words die before they can leave his mouth.
In front of him there's Yunho. Serious, biting his lip, looking at Jaejoong from under worry-furrowed eyebrows. His hands hold a strap of a sports bag that's hanging from one of his shoulders, knuckles gone white from holding it too tight. What to do, what does he want, why is he here?
"Can I... come in?"
Jaejoong's going to say no. He's going to close the door in the other's face and just walk back to the couch and not care about anything. But he sees the broken lip, he sees the bruises on Yunho's face. He sees the sparkle on the dancer's eyes. And sighing, he opens the door and walks back into his studio, biting his own lip in nervousness.
"Thanks."
He turns and sees Yunho just standing there, at the entrance of his living room. They stay silent for a while, Yunho staring at the floor, Jaejoong trying to decipher what the hell the dancer was doing back in his life so soon.
"What do you want?" Yunho flinches at the older's tone, Jaejoong notices it. But he feels no regret at all.
"Umm well... I want to... I want to appologize." He looks directly into Jaejoong's eyes, and Jaejoong chuckles in annoyance, trying to cover the shiver those eyes are giving him.
"This is nonsense Yunho..."
"No, Jae, listen to me!" Yunho takes a couple of steps towards Jaejoong, and the latter feels like running away to his room and hiding uder the covers of his bed. But he has to be strong. He needs to play the part.
"No, Yunho, you listen. We're just hurting each other all the time, and it's tiring..."
"Please Jaejoong, just forgive me and we could...," Yunho is pleading, and Jaejoong is having a hard time keeping with his resolution right now.
"I'm tired Yunho. And I know you are too. Our faces are full of bruises because we're both tired." Yunho bits his lips and looks at the floor, and Jaejoong smiles sadly. "You see, it's better if we..."
"Film me," Yunho looks up directly at Jaejoong's eyes again, and there's strength in there, and so much feeling, that Jaejoong feels the air knocked out of him.
"W-what?"
"Film me. Dancing. I'll let you." Yunho steps forwards, small step after small step, and Jaejoong laughs out of nervousness.
"A little late for that, Yunho, even if I do appreciate it."
"Just film me, now," Yunho walks closer to him, pushes him back and Jaejoong falls on the couch, yelping out of surprise.
"Yunho! What the hell?"
"Shh!" The taller man opens the sport bag and takes out his iPod touch, throwing it into Jaejoong's lap, "Connect that, please. And here, your camera." The dancer gives the speechless man his Sony HD camera that was resting on the coffee table just seconds before. Jaejoong just looks at him dumbfounded. "C'mon, do so!" As if woken up, Jaejoong turns and connects the iPod to the sound system next to the couch he's been thrown onto. He hears Yunho rummaging around, asking him if he can move the table and moving it before getting an answer, and Jaejoong is completely lost, not understanding what's happening at all.
"Ok, the iPod's on, now what..."
Before he can finish talking, he turns and sees Yunho next to him. The dancer is shirtless and barefoot. He grabs the iPod and starts searching for the song he wants, while Jaejoong can't avoid himself from studying the taller man. His side has some dark bruises, and a part of his left arm is scratched, probably from when Jaejoong threw him to the concrete of the campus ground. He winces in pain and guilt.
"Done, are you ready?" Yunho looks back at him, and Jaejoong can feel himself blushing, so he looks down, ignoring the dancer in front of him. "Jaejoong. Turn on your camera."
"Why? I don't want to film you now." He knows he's sulking, but he's not going to back down on his decision. ...Is he? Biting his lip, he looks up at Yunho, and regrets it instantly. Yunho is looking at him in a way he can't describe. Yunho has never looked at him like that. It makes him feel self conscious, naked. As if the taller man knows everything about him, as if he could read him like an open book. Maybe he can? Maybe he knows Jaejoong is struggling with himself, fighting this sudden urge of standing up and kissing the other man senseless.
"Don't film me then. But watch me. And hear me. And understand it." Yunho presses the screen of the iPod touch and walks to the center of his living room.
Soft acoustic guitar chords fill the space, and Jaejoong inhales sharply. This is... this is the song he used for his DVD. How can Yunho... why...? Yunho starts moving, slowly, carefully, as if unraveling his long limbs from a tight knot. As if liberating himself. A hand covering his eyes is lifted, as if he had been blind but could see clearly now, and Yunho looks deeply into Jaejoong's eyes for a few seconds, before he turns, following the soft tempo of the song.
Jaejoong gulps painfully. Yunho is too beautiful, too perfect. And there he is, dancing in his living room to the song the film maker himself chose, to the song that described his feelings perfectly at the moment he edited the DVD. He knows Changmin has given the dancer the DVD, but somehow he can't feel mad about it. Yunho is there, after all, dancing to that song. Just for him. Just for his forgiveness. An overwhelming warm feeling fills him, and he feels it curling up from his toes, knotting itself in his belly. This is it, right? He's not missunderstanding it this time, right? Yunho isn't there only for his forgiveness. Yunho is there to make him understand his feelings. Without words, doing what he's best at, telling Jaejoong how he feels with his body, with his dance. He feels goosebumps all over his limbs, and he feels elated, ecstatic. Happy. Scared shitless, but happy.
The song ends, and Yunho just stands there, breathing fast. The dance wasn't a fast one, but he moved each and every one of his muscles in a tiring rhythm. They just stand there, looking at each other, silentily.
"I hope you can forgive me, Jaejoong." Yunho keeps trying to control his breath, and somehow Jaejoong thinks he's having a harder time than normally because the dancer is just that nervous.
"...I don't know Yunho."
"C'mon, you're the easy going out of the two of us. Don't let me down now." Jaejoong sees how a small smile forms in Yunho's lips, and he thinks on how he missed seeing the other smile. Or talk. Or dance. Or just seeing the other, in general. He sighs.
"You just drive me crazy, Yunho. I really don't know how to handle you."
"The feeling is mutual, then." Yunho walks up to him, and sits next to him on the couch. Jaejoong flinches at the proximity, and curses his nerves for making him act like a schoolgirl in love. Then he scolds himself too, for hitting too close to home with the comparison. "Look, this has been all too complicated for me, but I want you to understand how I feel. Will you listen to me?" Yunho looks at the wine haired man hopefully, and Jaejoong can only nod.
"Go ahead."
"Ok," Yunho takes a deep breath, "Well, you see, when you appeared I was stunned." Jaejoong raises an eyebrow at him. "Really! You're just... well, you're just gorgeous."
Jaejoong shivers, remembering new year's eve, and the restroom, and how Yunho had whispered those exact words huskily at him. Bad timing remembering this now, he tells himself. "And I truly felt like an idiot next to you. Like 'beauty and the beast', you know?"
"... you serious?" Yunho nods effusively. "You're an idiot"
"That I won't deny, I'm here appologizing to you for something, after all. Well, resuming. You're awesome, gorgeous, amazing, funny, smart, wonderful..."
"Ok ok, ok, I get it!" Jaejoong knows he is blushing deeply, and hates the small smile on Yunho's face.
"I've liked you since the beginning, Jaejoong." The future film maker looks sharply at Yunho, and only finds sincerity in the other's eyes. "A lot, I've liked you a lot since the beginning. But you intimidated me, being so open, so friendly, so direct. At the beginning I was scared of this flirting and I knew I didn't want a 'game' with you. I wanted more."
Jaejoong gulps, his heart on his throat.
"But then, why..."
"Let me finish," Yunho puts a hand on Jaejoong's thigh, and keeps on giving the older a warm smile, "So I'm an idiot as I said, and I thought you didn't want anything serious with me, only some groping and fast sex and that's all."
"That's not true!" Yunho looks at him, surprised at the outburst. "Well, maybe at the beginning it was. You're hot like hell, damn, how could I not want it?" Yunho blushes, and Jaejoong feels his confidence growing, "But then I got to know you better, and... and you're awesome, Yunho. You're nice, caring, funny, smart... you're perfect." He feels Yunho fidgeting on his thigh, and smiling he covers the other's hand with his own.
"But then why did you stop at the club?"
"Isn't it obvious? I just told you I don't want only sex with you." Yunho looks wide-eyed at him, and Jaejoong delights on how the other's eyes shine brighter, how his cheeks get redder.
"I don't want only that with you either," Yunho nods his head, and puts his other hand over Jaejoong's one, "I want... I want everything with you, I want..."
"Okay, okay, calm down," Jaejoong chuckles and blushes under Yunho's intense glare and the dancer's thumb caressing his knuckles. "We're too different, Yunho. Would something between us work?"
"..." Yunho looks down for a second, but looks back up at him with eyes full of determination. "We could try it." Jaejoong laughs. For the first time in long days, he laughs.
"We could try it? That's your answer?"
"Yes. I mean, sure, we're different, and we've already had a lot of problems even before being together, but... but I love you." Jaejoong gasps. His heart has beaten out of his chest already, now he is sure. "I love you and I can control and change how I am to adapt myself to you better," Yunho looks so serious, so determined, and so desperate at the same time. Jaejoong smiles warmly and caresses Yunho's bruised cheek with his free hand.
"I love you too." The film maker wishes his cam was on to record the dancer's expression right at that moment. Pricelessly speechless.
"You do." It is not a question.
"I do. And I can also change for the sake of us working."
Yunho looks positively speechless and close to breaking down and cry for some seconds, but he finally just shows a wide, bright smile. A contagious one, since Jaejoong ends up smiling too.
"Ok, so... we try?"
"We try," Jaejoong nods.
"... we're a couple?"
"Yes, we are," Jaejoong chuckles. Yunho's insecurity is so cute to watch. With a small yelp of euphoria, Yunho launches himself forward and hugs Jaejoong tight against himself. Jaejoong laughs and slaps Yunho's back, overwhelmed at his feelings and at the warmth from Yunho's naked chest surrounding him.
"I'm so, I'm... oh gods, I love you," Yunho keeps on hugging the other tighter, and Jaejoong starts pleading for his life. When Yunho finally lets him go, Jaejoong smiles warmly, caressing the taller man's arms, where goosebumps are running on the naked skin.
"We really have to compromise, ok, Yunho? I want this to work." Yunho nods effusively. "You won't doubt me anymore, and you will be more secure, right?"
"Sure. And you won't flirt anymore with anybody else, right?" Jaejoong chuckles.
"I'll try."
"HEY!!"
With Yunho slapping his shoulder in good spirits, Jaejoong feels like he can fly. He finds it funny that not even one hour ago he was sulking, heartbroken and hating the world. Blaming Jung Yunho with every swearing word he could remember. And now? Now he's laughing, with the perfect dancer close to him, trying to make him confess how much he loves the dancer again. Can this really work? Can two people so different really work together? Well, nobody will know if they don't try. And Jaejoong is willing to try. With all his might.
The air is cold. The stage feels inmense around him, in the auditorium's complete silence. Yunho breathes deeply, steadily, keeping his nerves in check. Suddenly a spotlight falls over himself, and the heartbroken melody of the piano and the violin fills the empty air.
Tchaikovsky, Piano trio in A minor. Pezzo elegiaco. Moderato.
Yunho is standing in the middle of the stage, in nothing but black short tight pants. Barefoot. Only himself, bared against the world, to express with his movement the majestuosity of this piece. Fast variations of tempo, from sad notes to extasied ones. Yunho runs, double pirouette, Rond de jambe, grand jeté, fouette en tournant. His technique is precise, perfect to every last detail. He doesn't miss one step, he doesn't mess one finger. His expression follows the melodies, now deep, profound, now exalted, hopeful. It is a difficult routine for a difficult and long piece, more than nineteen minutes of extreme technique display. But he's been training hard for this, he's been preparing for this practically his whole life.
Only himself with the music. Only his muscles to express his feelings. Only his emotions to understand the music.
He feels exhausted when the last sad compasses of the beautiful piece resound on the auditorium. He's sweating, his legs feeling like jelly, his stomach a tight knot of anticipation. He looks down to where the judges are sitting, talking between them. Nobody clapped, nobody cheered. Only silence accompanies him. He looks up to the back row of the audience seats, and sees a lonely figure sitting there, hands covering his mouth, and Yunho smiles, imagining his boyfriend biting his nails in nervousness. He is glad Jaejoong is there with him, he can feel the support and the love.
Before he can think about anything else, one of the judges calls his name, and he feels he suddenly can't swallow anymore.
"We didn't know if you were a genius or a fool for choosing such a difficult and long piece to perform. We heard about your talent and wanted to check if it was true." Yunho gulps again. His future depends on this, his life, his dream, depend on these words. He feels he can fall to the floor at any second. "Well, boy, you've made sure we checked it was real." Yunho blinks in confusion, too nervous to understand. "It's been ages since we've seen someone as good as you. You have raw talent, way beyond our expectations. Congratulations. You will make it big out there." The judge smiles, the other judges clap. He's just standing there, dumbfounded, until he hears an excited yell from the back row, and he wakes up. Jumping down the stage, he walks up to the judges and shakes their hands effusively, practically crying and making a fool out of himself. The judges just laugh and congratulate him again, grabbing their papers and proceeding to walk out of the auditorium. Yunho hears running steps, and turns right in time to grab a flying Kim Jaejoong jumping into his arms.
"Oh my god, Yunho, oh my god!!" Yunho just laughs and holds Jaejoong closer to him, euphoric and high with success and happiness.
"I did it," he whispers.
"You did it!!" Jaejoong leans back and slaps Yunho's shoulder, and the latter chuckles seeing the brigthness and wetness on Jaejoong's eyes. "You were, I am, this... oh my god!!" He hugs Yunho tightly again, the dancer laughing merrily. "I'm so glad I filmed all of this, I would have never forgiven myself if I could never watch it again!"
"You should thank me, I'm the one who gave you permission."
"I would have killed you if you hadn't," the film maker answers in full seriousness. The dancer only laughs louder. "So, you're an official dancer now, huh?"
"Yes, I am," Yunho saids proudly, and loves the feeling of knowing it truth.
"My boyfriend is a dancer... how sexy is that?" Yunho chuckles.
"Well, my boyfriend is a film maker. That sounds much sexier to me."
"That's just because you're thinking we can film some porn together." Yunho bursts out laughing, and Jaejoong laughs along with him. "We should go and tell the others!"
"Yes, we should."
"And we should go and celebrate that we're all finished succesfully!"
"Yes, we should."
"And you should stop looking at me like that, or I'm going to kidnap you, take you back home, and make that porn film we've just mentioned become a reality. You're half naked, sweating, and disheveled... don't tempt me more." Yunho smirks, leans down and kisses the shorter man deeply.
It's been a perfect month and a half. Hectic, what with having to get ready for their final projects and all. Yunho spent more than half of the time rehearsing, and Jaejoong filming him and then editing what he got (Yunho gave him permission to use him as the dancer for his film). They haven't had much time to be together as a couple, but in fact it was all for the better. During that time, they got used to the new situation. Yunho had time to think things calmly, to not feel so insecure all the time, to start believing in himself and Jaejoong, and to believe they were together. He had time to see Jaejoong wasn't really checking anybody else out, wasn't flirting at all. When someone approached him with such intentions, Jaejoong just politely refused them, sometimes even pointing out he was already taken. When Yunho asked him about it, Jaejoong just told him that 'he didn't feel the need to flirt at all. He felt loved enough by the dancer himself'. Yunho still feels elated with it.
They've progressed slowly, but with strong steps. They are more comfortable than ever together, and share everything. Sometimes they argue, sometimes they disagree, but they have learnt to talk it through and solve it. They know how to listen to the other, how to understand the other. They know each other better than anybody else. Better than they know themselves.
They break the kiss appart, and Jaejoong is flushed, smiling, and dreamy eyed, and Yunho falls a little more in love with him. Caressing his forehead, relishing in the soft bangs falling over the gorgeous man's eyes, he smiles warmly. Sure of himself. Loved. Happy, truly, for the first time in his life.
"Let me get dressed and we can go meet the others, ok?" Yunho whispers lovingly.
"Mmm, such a pity."
"Do you want me to walk half naked around the campus? Cause I can and..."
"Nonono!!" Jaejoong shakes his head effusively, "You have too many fangirls, and this is mine only." He hugs Yunho's torso posesively, and Yunho chuckles.
"Then let me go get dressed, ok?" Jaejoong nods, and Yunho walks up the stage and to the backstage to grab the bag with his clothes.
He smiles to himself while getting dressed when he hears Jaejoong humming the melody of the song he has just danced. Walking out to the stage, he finds the autumn colored man resting against a seat, checking the video he has just taken. Yunho sighs, feeling like the luckiest man in the world. Jaejoong looks up at him, and smiles. Yes. He is the luckiest man in the world.
"Shall we go?" Jumping down the stage, he puts an arm around Jaejoong's shoulders and kisses his cheek.
"Wherever you want."
And Yunho believes him. Because he's never going to doubt anymore.
FIN.
________
a/n: Yes, this is the last chapter! But there's going to be an epilogue that I'm sure you all will like ;P *points to the rating of this fic XD* I'll update it asap! ^^
I'll write the proper 'this was hard and I want to thank' note at the epilogue ;P
And I hope you find this fic, cause I'm not crossposting it at detox for reasons you all can imagine but I won't be talking about :)
Thanks for all the wonderful comments, I seriously need to sit down and answer you all ;_; stressing life sucks! XD
♥