(no subject)
Author: Dirtyzebra2005
Title: Biological Imperative
Chapter: 1--- Denial
Rating: T-M
Summary: Infidelity causes one to go through stages of Coping. The first is Denial.
Author's Notes: OMG, I have no idea where this came from, but it's a total take off from what I usually write. This was hard to write. WARNINGS: This is not fluff. There's a lot of angst and adult situations to deal with.
She stared at him with disdain across the expanse of the tiny quarters that they shared. She dipped her head low and shook, trying to get the words he’d just let lapse from his lips into the air. The words hit her ears like a ton of bricks, and yet had not crawled their way up her synapses. She blinked slowly, and every time she tried to form a coherent sentence, she would open her mouth and then close it again, not finding the exact words to say.
He, however, looked austere and calm, almost like a placid lake, nothing rippling underneath. But much like a lake there was a tiny battle raging below. Little quirks of his facial muscles told her that he was in just as much shock as she was. He wanted to say something to her, wanted to rush across the room and demonstrate his feelings of sorrow and anguish. He would only do so if she invited it. Finally, when it seemed as if the silence was going to suck them both in, she spoke words of ice.
“When?” she asked, it was a simple enough question. And one that he was fully prepared to answer. He was good with times and dates.
“Three months, 2 weeks, 4 days ago,” he said the dates and every word of it broke his heart.
“You were only a month into your planet-side visit? How nice of you to wait so long,” she said, sarcasm and bile dripping from every word.
“Nyota…” he started, she put up her hand for him to stop.
“I ask the questions, you don’t get to talk until I get my answers,” her voice was calm, but laced tension. He nodded, following her instructions; only answering the questions she posed.
“Who?”
“Nurse Chapel,” his voice was hoarse and raspy.
“Where?”
“On Rivas 12, we spent almost every night together after that first night, sometimes in her quarters and sometimes in mine.” A hitch in her breath caused him to pause in his speaking. She was shaking and clutching her heart, and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes and starting to fall.
“Why?” she finally asked.
“It was the biological imperative that we discussed many times before,” he said with a swallow.
“Pon Farr? I thought you were given hormone hypos for that?”
“They did not work,” he hung his head down low.
“And fucking Chapel did?”
“Nyota…”
“Answer the question, Spock.”
“I am not dead, the answer should be apparent.” It was the way he delivered things that tore her apart. He could seem so cold and distant, especially in this moment where he needed to seem repentant and contrite. She knew him well enough that he was torn inside, but she needed to see these emotions, she needed to see his regret. At this moment, all Nyota saw was the same Spock that was always present. It wasn’t just that he’d cheated on her, though that was the main portion. It was that she knew this was going to haunt them both for a time to come. Even if she could forgive Spock for his biological imperative and overly stimulated hormones, she knew that he would never be able to forgive himself.
They’d spend months talking about Pon Farr. They had a plan should he ever be susceptible. After months of chiding, she’d finally gotten him to go to McCoy and together Spock and the good Doctor came up with a series of hypo shots that would effectively control Spock’s hormones during his Pon Farr. Apparently, this was a failure. Biology always ruled over chemistry apparently. Even if she could get the thought of him and Chapel sharing a bed over the course of three months while he was planet-side, she didn’t know if she had the strength to help him forgive himself. She didn’t know if she could look at him at the moment.
“Are you bonded with her?” Nyota asked.
“No, we are not bonded.”
“Did you try to meld with her?” she was shocked by his silence. He didn’t dare look at her. His inaction gave her the answer.
“Get out,” she said, cradling her head in her hand.
“Nyota… please.”
“Get. Out.” Her voice rose a bit, though strangled trying to fight the tears.
“Surely, you do not mean to end our link,” Spock could feel his very essence cracking apart. And suddenly, Nyota broke. She turned upon him, her eyes filled with fury.
“End our link?! I can barely stand to look at you! Now, if you don’t get out of here right now, I am going to call security. Now get out! Get out! Get out!!!” The tears were streaming hot down her face. He did as she asked, stopping to look at the small woman that he’d betrayed before him.
“Nyota… I apologize for any pain that I’ve caused you. I can only try to regain your trust.” The door shut quickly behind him. He walked slowly down the hallway towards the common room, thinking about the events that had led up to this very moment.
4 months prior:
Spock was packing for his three month planet-side exploration on Rivas 12. He was going to lead a science mission while the Enterprise continued its explorations elsewhere. Rivas 12 was especially important to the Federation because of its mineral rich minds. It was up to Spock and his team: Nurse Chapel, Ensign Davis, and Ensign Marques to do a full planetary exploration and report back to the Enterprise with a full briefing of the benefits and costs of setting up a mining colony on Rivas 12.
As he was packing, a pair of warm arms snaked around his middle and held him tightly. Spock allowed himself to smile as he felt her small body press against his back.
“This behavior does not lend to my preparations for my mission.”
“Good. I don’t want you to go,” Nyota said. He turned to face her in the grasp, looking down and cupping her cheek.
“It is only three months, Nyota.”
“We’ve never been apart, Spock.”
“I realize that this is difficult…”
“Spock, this is more than difficult. What if you start going thru Pon Farr. The Enterprise will be days, maybe even weeks away from you. It’s dangerous, for you and the others.”
“I have the hormone hypos for that. They should work adequately to sedate my Pon Farr, should the need arise. I am a Starfleet officer; there is always danger, even here, with you, on this ship. You know this, Nyota,” he responded, and she started to chuckle.
“I sound foolish don’t I?” he knew the question to be rhetorical.
“You sound like… my Nyota,” he leaned down and kissed both of her eyes and then her cheeks, and then her lips. The kiss was soft and broke quickly, as he pulled her into an embrace. They held one another in silence, their breathing the only sound in the room.
“Mr. Spock, your presence is requested on the bridge for immediate deployment in 20 minutes,” said the sound of Kirk’s voice over the intercom. They broke their embrace, and Spock walked over to the intercom to acknowledge.
“I need to finish.”
“I know,” she said, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss him again, “I’ll see you on the bridge.”
Spock’s feet and mind carried him to the quarters of his Captain. He made his presence known and was given permission to enter. Kirk could tell that there was something amiss with his first officer, but Spock’s face remained stoic that it was always too difficult to assess his moods.
“Hey Spock, what brings you by?” Kirk said, motioning for Spock to sit.
“Captain, I have done something wrong,” Spock said, sitting and slumping as much as Kirk had ever seen him slump. It was the equivalent of upright and back in a coach seat on an airplane. Kirk’s brow furrowed and he sat down in front of Spock in an equally comfortable chair. This had to be something serious.
“What is it?”
“I have betrayed Nyota with an indiscretion with another woman,” Spock said the words so staccato and broken that Kirk almost thought that he was a robot. Kirk inhaled and exhaled deeply, ran his hand thru his hair, and stood. Kirk gathered two glasses from his shelf and also the Andorian brandy that he was fond of. It was laced with a bit of chocolate. Spock’s Vulcan and human side would have a chance to forget some of this anguish. He poured Spock a drink and himself, and sat down.
“That is bad,” Kirk said, taking a sip of the brandy and watching as Spock drank the whole glass, “So what are you going to do?”
“She wants me to leave our shared quarters.”
“Well, that’s to be expected. But you love her, right?”
“I…I…” Kirk rolled his eyes and clapped Spock on his back.
“This is going to be difficult,” Kirk said, “you can stay here until we can find you some suitable quarters.”
“Thank you, Captain.” Kirk poured Spock another drink. They shared three more glasses, until they both decided that it was time to retire. During meditation, as the alcohol, chocolate and regret pulsed thru his veins, Spock dreamt of better times.