The Zombie Meme Moment
Title: The Zombie Meme Moment
Author: heidi8
Recipient: lisabird
Rating: PG
Summary: The Official Winchester Zombie Plan. Sort of.
LookUnderTheBed.blogspot.com
October 15, 2005 20:45:08 PST
Tags: Blog-versary, zombies, meme
Four years ago today, I got my first account on Blogger.com. I've stuck around through the Zotob worm and spambots (garlic's no help in keeping them away), and of course, the Google transition - I think the ads that they match with the topics I'm posting on are sometimes unexpected, so let me take a moment to reiterate that salt is good protection against ghosts and demons, but there's too many gaps between the grains if you lay popcorn around your desk, and your roommate might thing that you're really messy, not that you're trying to keep the restless spirit of the suicidal student who had your room last year from fucking around with your computer. Don't try it - it won't work.
Speaking of the ads, click on a link or two when you're done reading. I've got an interview coming up in two weeks, and I could really use a new suit, or at least a tie. The link to Lulu.com is now live, and you can purchase the collection of columns and posts through June of 2005 for $14.95.
Last post had a few questions about zombies, which I haven't posted about since the week after Halloween back in 2003. Zombie issues always seem to come up this time of year. I've posited that it's because of the conflation of the harvest and the transition to the end of the calendar year, the shortening days and residual pagan worship modalities, but it could also be the fact that people tend to get into costumes and then get drunk on Halloween, especially on college campuses, and can, the morning after, be mistaken for zombies.
As a tangent, people who die on Halloween while dressed in stupid costumes do remain in those costumes after their deaths, and are stuck wearing them until they figure out their unfinished business and move on someone finally salts and cremates them, so think about that before you opt to wear the fake doctor's-office robe with the fake ass sticking out the back. Do you really want to wear that for all eternity? I've seen it, and it isn't pretty, so remember guys - only costume sober!
I pulled a list from my analog archives of five things to keep in mind when you're confronted with a zombie. Print it, clip it, laminate it and carry it in your wallet.
1. First - when dealing with zombies, take a minute to determine which type of zombie you are dealing with. There hasn't been a zombie virus in North America since at least the 1500s, and in general, a person cannot become a zombie unless he or she is already dead. That doesn't mean you want to touch it or get bitten by one, because their considerable strength makes it a simple project for one to kill you.
2. If the undead in question is non-corporeal, it's a ghost, not a zombie. Find the body, cremate it with liberal application of salt, and eliminate the threat that way. Do not apply the salt directly to the mouth, because if said zombie was created using the Haitian methods favored by the bokor, it is likely that salt will return the zombie's consciousness, resulting in a very angry, very sentient, very strong zombie who presumes you are the cause of his current predicament.
3. Empty coffins are generally signs of zombification of the corpse. Examine the inside and outside of the coffin for unexpected markings. Generally, the only markings you should expect to see inside a coffin are the decedent's name and date of death, and the manufacturer's name. Anything that looks like ancient Greek, Latin or Aramaic should give you cause for concern. Be careful when photographing any writings or drawings, as the zombie in question might consider this a personal affront. Copying the markings onto a blank page in a book can be just as risky, as you may be replicating an incantation, spell or charm. If you don't actually know how to read the markings you're copying, don't do it. That's why I never try to copy something in Japanese or Nordic - I'm not familiar enough with those languages to know what I'm writing, and I don't want to cast a spell unless I am 100 % sure I know what I'm doing.
4. There are no documented sightings of zombies driving cars, riding bikes or horses, or on roller-blades. If you can drive a car, or ride a bike or horse, or balance on roller-blades, avoid clearing out any zombie-infested area yourself, and trust in the professionals.
5. If you're crazy enough to try to annihilate the zombie on your own, you can use the trial-and-error method to determine which approach is best.
There are at least sixty three documented methods of destroying a zombie, but I haven't tested any of them personally. Documented research indicates that you can't waste a zombie with a head-shot. Body shots (no, not those kinds of body shots) don't work either. Decapitation should make it impossible for the head of the zombie to do any further damage, and may provide you with enough time to take further precautionary or destructive measures. A flame-thrower should damage the corpse enough to slow it down; as soon as the zombie is supine, continue incineration until the body has been reduced to ashes. Unfortunately, even with a high-temperature fire, this process could take three or more hours - more if the body is damp, and less if the body is already saturated with gasoline or another flammable liquid. Do not add additional fuel to the fire during the burning process, as the flames could light the stream of fluid and incinerate you.
Complete destruction of the brain - including the brain stem and cerebellum - should stop a zombie's movements. Do not worry about whether the zombie is still sentient while in ash-and-dust form, or once you've turned its brain into powder and mixed it with salt. If you spend too much time philosophizing about the mental state of the already-dead you will lose focus from the important part of your mission - escaping with your life, your limbs and all of your brain intact.
Linkspam that might help:
Baby's First Portable Blowtorch
Zombie Outbreak Survival Kit (Worth it for the barrier tape, which you can put around a grave you're working on. It might be enough to convince the authorities that you're really there on important, official, secret government business, and give more credibility to the fake ID you flashed at them when they came to ask why you're digging up a grave. If it doesn't persuade them that you're there on legitimate business, it will slow them down as they try to either duck under it or climb over it to get to you, thus giving you time to escape. Yes, that does mean that you're leaving them by a grave while an angry zombie is on the loose, and you should feel some guilt about that, shouldn't you?)
I did promise a meme:
Author: heidi8
Recipient: lisabird
Rating: PG
Summary: The Official Winchester Zombie Plan. Sort of.
LookUnderTheBed.blogspot.com
October 15, 2005 20:45:08 PST
Tags: Blog-versary, zombies, meme
Four years ago today, I got my first account on Blogger.com. I've stuck around through the Zotob worm and spambots (garlic's no help in keeping them away), and of course, the Google transition - I think the ads that they match with the topics I'm posting on are sometimes unexpected, so let me take a moment to reiterate that salt is good protection against ghosts and demons, but there's too many gaps between the grains if you lay popcorn around your desk, and your roommate might thing that you're really messy, not that you're trying to keep the restless spirit of the suicidal student who had your room last year from fucking around with your computer. Don't try it - it won't work.
Speaking of the ads, click on a link or two when you're done reading. I've got an interview coming up in two weeks, and I could really use a new suit, or at least a tie. The link to Lulu.com is now live, and you can purchase the collection of columns and posts through June of 2005 for $14.95.
Last post had a few questions about zombies, which I haven't posted about since the week after Halloween back in 2003. Zombie issues always seem to come up this time of year. I've posited that it's because of the conflation of the harvest and the transition to the end of the calendar year, the shortening days and residual pagan worship modalities, but it could also be the fact that people tend to get into costumes and then get drunk on Halloween, especially on college campuses, and can, the morning after, be mistaken for zombies.
As a tangent, people who die on Halloween while dressed in stupid costumes do remain in those costumes after their deaths, and are stuck wearing them until they figure out their unfinished business and move on someone finally salts and cremates them, so think about that before you opt to wear the fake doctor's-office robe with the fake ass sticking out the back. Do you really want to wear that for all eternity? I've seen it, and it isn't pretty, so remember guys - only costume sober!
I pulled a list from my analog archives of five things to keep in mind when you're confronted with a zombie. Print it, clip it, laminate it and carry it in your wallet.
1. First - when dealing with zombies, take a minute to determine which type of zombie you are dealing with. There hasn't been a zombie virus in North America since at least the 1500s, and in general, a person cannot become a zombie unless he or she is already dead. That doesn't mean you want to touch it or get bitten by one, because their considerable strength makes it a simple project for one to kill you.
2. If the undead in question is non-corporeal, it's a ghost, not a zombie. Find the body, cremate it with liberal application of salt, and eliminate the threat that way. Do not apply the salt directly to the mouth, because if said zombie was created using the Haitian methods favored by the bokor, it is likely that salt will return the zombie's consciousness, resulting in a very angry, very sentient, very strong zombie who presumes you are the cause of his current predicament.
3. Empty coffins are generally signs of zombification of the corpse. Examine the inside and outside of the coffin for unexpected markings. Generally, the only markings you should expect to see inside a coffin are the decedent's name and date of death, and the manufacturer's name. Anything that looks like ancient Greek, Latin or Aramaic should give you cause for concern. Be careful when photographing any writings or drawings, as the zombie in question might consider this a personal affront. Copying the markings onto a blank page in a book can be just as risky, as you may be replicating an incantation, spell or charm. If you don't actually know how to read the markings you're copying, don't do it. That's why I never try to copy something in Japanese or Nordic - I'm not familiar enough with those languages to know what I'm writing, and I don't want to cast a spell unless I am 100 % sure I know what I'm doing.
4. There are no documented sightings of zombies driving cars, riding bikes or horses, or on roller-blades. If you can drive a car, or ride a bike or horse, or balance on roller-blades, avoid clearing out any zombie-infested area yourself, and trust in the professionals.
5. If you're crazy enough to try to annihilate the zombie on your own, you can use the trial-and-error method to determine which approach is best.
There are at least sixty three documented methods of destroying a zombie, but I haven't tested any of them personally. Documented research indicates that you can't waste a zombie with a head-shot. Body shots (no, not those kinds of body shots) don't work either. Decapitation should make it impossible for the head of the zombie to do any further damage, and may provide you with enough time to take further precautionary or destructive measures. A flame-thrower should damage the corpse enough to slow it down; as soon as the zombie is supine, continue incineration until the body has been reduced to ashes. Unfortunately, even with a high-temperature fire, this process could take three or more hours - more if the body is damp, and less if the body is already saturated with gasoline or another flammable liquid. Do not add additional fuel to the fire during the burning process, as the flames could light the stream of fluid and incinerate you.
Complete destruction of the brain - including the brain stem and cerebellum - should stop a zombie's movements. Do not worry about whether the zombie is still sentient while in ash-and-dust form, or once you've turned its brain into powder and mixed it with salt. If you spend too much time philosophizing about the mental state of the already-dead you will lose focus from the important part of your mission - escaping with your life, your limbs and all of your brain intact.
Linkspam that might help:
Baby's First Portable Blowtorch
Zombie Outbreak Survival Kit (Worth it for the barrier tape, which you can put around a grave you're working on. It might be enough to convince the authorities that you're really there on important, official, secret government business, and give more credibility to the fake ID you flashed at them when they came to ask why you're digging up a grave. If it doesn't persuade them that you're there on legitimate business, it will slow them down as they try to either duck under it or climb over it to get to you, thus giving you time to escape. Yes, that does mean that you're leaving them by a grave while an angry zombie is on the loose, and you should feel some guilt about that, shouldn't you?)
I did promise a meme: