fic: in the days after
Title: in the days after
Author breebree16
Character(s)/Pairing: Dean/Lisa
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, just borrowed
Summary: Dean's life adjustments after "Swan Song", needless to say, spoilers.
Author's Note: xposted at dean_lisa_love
Lisa holds him while he cries; in the door way, against the frame. His strong arms tight around her body, so tight, just wanting to be connected to something, anything, to be tethered, his face buried in the crook of her shoulder. She runs her fingers over his hair, just listening, just letting him get it out. Her heart aches for him.
He doesn’t say much, anything really. All she gets out is something like 'Sammy'.
"It'll be okay," she tries to tell him, but she feels in his embrace that it won't be.
~
Ben knows better than to come downstairs yet. He heard Dean's voice, ran to the window to see the Impala in the driveway, but with almost silence and the door still wide open, he knows not to come down yet. He sits on the top stair and listens, mostly soft crying and his mother's soothing voice.
It's not until the door closes and heavy booted foot steps (Lisa never wears shoes inside) slowly move to the kitchen. The sound of the refrigerator, the sizzling of boiled water spill over. Lisa apologizes and cleans it up.
Ben takes a breath and goes down stairs, pretends to be surprised when he sees Dean sitting at the table. His eyes are sad, and heavy; he's eleven and knows that something isn't right.
But Dean tries to put on a smile. "Hey, buddy," he says. For weeks after Dean had left two years before, Ben had anxiously waited for his return. He didn't need Lisa to confirm it, at nine he knew that the man with the cool car and old leather jacket was his father. But he says nothing as he moves across the table to give him a quick hug, then goes back to his seat.
Dinner is quiet, Dean doesn't really eat, just drinks his beer. He stares absently at the table, the nicks, the spot where Ben had carved his initials the year before, a stain from paint.
"You okay?" Lisa asks, knowing the answer.
"Yeah," he says and moves to the side.
~
For weeks Dean gets up when the sun rises and sits on the hood of the car, watching the sky change colors. He's there when Ben comes out the front door for school. The first day he didn't say anything, the second they nodded at each other and the third Dean said "Have a nice day, okay?"
Dean starts to have a routine after that day. He gets up when Ben gets up, goes down to the kitchen and makes coffee, then toast, first for himself then for Ben after the boy commented about breakfast. "You can't just make breakfast for yourself," he tells Dean.
Fair enough.
Toast in the mornings, sometimes an egg. He starts to make sure that Ben remembered his home work and has lunch money. With Ben at school, Lisa at work, Dean starts doing things around the house.
He fixes the screen door, the leaky faucet in the downstairs bathroom. Lisa's car stops working, but he finds the problem in the engine, slides under the car to reassemble it. Busy stuff to keep his mind off things. He sees Sam constantly, out of the corner of his eye, in the shadows. Mostly in his dreams. But he doesn't say anything about it.
He sleeps on the couch, because when he dreams and sees Sam, he doesn't go back to sleep, so he stays up and watches infomercials until Ben comes down for breakfast.
~
Two months later he finds a job on the outskirts of the city, a small mechanic's shop. They don't care about proper IDs and stuff when they see the impala roll up to the station and watch him pick out parts from the junkyard, assemble them back in the car all in one day.
He works four days a week, then every other Saturday. Him and Ben leave at the same time in the mornings; Dean still makes breakfast, makes sure Ben is on time. He gets home after Ben and Lisa, right when the sun is setting, normally sweaty, dirty. Lisa makes him change his clothes before sitting on the couch, but she always smiles when she says it. He goes up to shower and change; when he's done he smells dinner.
At the table Ben does his homework, Dean pours himself a drink. Lisa watches him, but says nothing. Not yet. Ben asks for help sometimes, mostly in math.
"Sorry, kid," Dean says. Sammy was the math whiz.
They eat dinner, Dean is on his second drink. They talk about their day, normal stuff. Ben puts his dishes in the sink afterwards, is allowed to watch TV or play video games. Sometimes
Dean plays with him while Lisa puts the food away. Tonight the game he plays is something with zombies. Dean laughs in his mind. This isn't what real zombies are like, but Ben is having fun and Dean is too. Once he realizes he is though, there's a sinking in his gut and he looses his luster for it.
"Dude, pay attention! They're getting you!" Ben exclaims.
He fiddles with the buttons, saves himself. "Sorry." He's done after that round, promises to play tomorrow.
"I'll be in the garage," he tells them. He takes his glass and leaves.
Lisa watches quietly. The slouch in his shoulders, the ice clinking in his glass.
Ben tries to start a new game. "Can you play that upstairs?"
"Mom-"
"Wasn't a real question," she states dismissively. He does as he's told. Lisa finishes the kitchen.
~
He sits in the car with his drink, runs his fingers over the carved initials in the dash. SW is all neat and proper while DW is crooked, sloppy even though he's the older one. He does this when he starts to feel happy, locks himself away to wallow.
He looks in the review mirror, sometimes half expecting Cas to appear in the back seat with news, but nothing.
He's in the car for about an hour before heading inside, glass empty, ice chewed and swallowed. Lisa's on the couch, legs curled under hear, leaning on an arm. Some show about a hospital; its not Dr. Sexy, so he doesn't care much.
"Hey," she says as he puts his glass in the sink. "Come sit with me."
She does this sometimes, mostly after his little visits to the garage. He always does, sinking into the couch. Tonight she takes a dare and leans over in his direction, her head on his shoulder. He sucks air through his teeth, quietly, fluttered hearted.
Normally he avoids being this close to her, unwilling to give in, to let her be there. They watch the show, it ends and its time for her to go to bed.
"Good night," she says, getting up, rounding the couch. As she does, he reaches out, lightly curling his fingers around her narrow wrist. She stops, looking down at him looking up at her. Sad eyes, heavy, his lips parted as if he'll say something. But he doesn't, lets her go.
"Night."
~
Still come the nightmares. He twitches in his sleep, rolls around, once rolled off the couch, almost hit his head on the coffee table. Sometimes he thinks that Cas has come to him, but it's just a dream, not the real thing. Cas is busy in heaven right now.
Sammy is there, there are always two of him. One that's falling into the Pit, or getting stabbed, or shot. The other Sam just stands there, watching, never angry, but just watches Dean fail over and over again.
~
Sometimes he thinks about leaving, about breaking his promise to Sam because sometimes he just can't stand it. When its a bad day, when he gets bombarded at work and can't fix something, when Lisa yells at him for leaving his crap all over the living room and when Ben pesters him about demons and salt and changelings again.
He thinks of just packing up and driving away, breaking Sam out of hell had to be easier to deal with than this. But then he sits in the car with his drink, thinks of Sam, hears his brother's voice repeat over and over again: 'you pray that Lisa's stupid enough to take you in and live a normal life'. So he comes back in, says sorry to Lisa and picks up his things, teaches Ben how to draw a devil's trap when Lisa goes up for bath.
~
Six months for him, sixty years in Hell for Sam, but Dean is thinking less and less of it. He's occupied, he's busy. No word from Cas, but a voice mail from Bobby.
He takes Ben to baseball practice, stays to watch, cheers him on. The other parents comment on how good Ben is, how much the two of them look alike, but he doesn't pay any mind.
He plays catch with Ben in the backyard while Lisa is cooking dinner, sometimes teaches him some self defense moves. "Don't let your mom see you doing this stuff." He explains.
"Yeah, yeah."
After Ben goes to bed one night, and they're watching TV, Lisa kisses him, soft at first, lightly on the lips. He thinks of pulling back and away; just because he promised Sam he'd stay here, doesn't mean he had to be fully happy, but she smells so nice, and the memories of their wild, 'bendy' weekend come rushing back, flooding his mind, pushing everything away.
They make quiet love on the couch, with their clothes mostly on, in case Ben comes down stairs. He kisses her deeply, keeps his hand on her hip bone; she squeezes his shoulder, noticing a burned scar on it, tugs at his hair.
When their done he lays on top of her, his head on her chest, heaving. "Let's go to bed," she says.
He does, and he sleeps without a night mare, with her arm around his waist.
~
Finally Cas speaks to him in his dream. "It's all right to be happy, Dean," he tells.
"Can't be happy with out Sam."
"But you are."
"Dammit, Cas."
~
Dean drives Ben to school when it gets cold out, when the morning sky is gray and sometimes you can smell snow on the air. Ben is all excited that first day when Dean puts coffee in a mug and motions the boy over.
Dean gets chills when he looks over at Ben in Sam's seat; holding an iPod in his hands, moving his finger over the dial, quite the familiar scene. He tries to make conversation. "What do you got on there?"
Ben shrugs. "AC/DC. Zeppelin."
Dean grins. "Good choices."
The kid rolls his eyes as if to say 'duh', goes back to shuffling. There's a sinking in his gut and Dean almost stops the car, but it's only five minutes to school. There some of the kids stop to look at this awesome car that's pulling up. A few of the moms eye Dean, smile at him.
"Be good," Dean says.
"Yeah." Ben gets out, slams shut the door. Another wave in his gut as he watches. Dean's not stupid; he's noted the similarities between him and Ben, even Sammy and Ben. The slouch in his walk, furrowed brow, even the pursed lips when Ben’s annoyed, but he's not going to bring it up to Lisa.
Ben suddenly turns back, coming to Dean's side, leaning on the window. "Are you going to be here to pick me up?" Secretly Ben's always afraid he'll come home one day and Dean will be gone.
"Yeah, yeah I'll be here buddy." He'll leave work a few hours early.
"'Kay." He jogs back up the stairs to his friends.
Dean starts up the car and speeds away.
~
Another dream, this time it's not Castiel, but Sam's there. They sit on a bench at a park, the park down the street where Dean takes Ben to throw the football. In his head he screams about waking up, get up dean you ass, get up, but he doesn't, he just sits, afraid, sad.
"What are you doing here?" Dean asks.
Sam shakes his head, he's still in the same clothes he died in. "Just popping in."
There is a lovely scene that's unfolding in front of them. A perfect image, life. Lisa pushing a baby in a swing, Ben playing with an RC car on the sidewalk.
"You've got a nice life, Dean."
He shakes his head. "Not without you."
Sam laughs; Dean misses this. "You'll see. Mom and Dad say 'hi'."
There's the sound of flapping wings and when Dean turns his head, Sam is gone.
~
After work, and shower, Dean's on the couch drinking a beer, watching TV. Lisa is making dinner, talking about this chick in one of her classes, Ben does his homework.
He finishes his beer and walks to the kitchen, puts the bottle in the bid for recycling. While Lisa is reaching over the stove he comes up behind her, kisses her cheek. They're not affectionate around Ben; she's not sure where things are going. He sleeps in her bed, they have sex.
Her spine freezes and she tries to keep on like nothing's happened. "What's that for?"
He shrugs. "Felt like it."
She smiles, blushes. "Help me set the table?"
"Sure."
Author breebree16
Character(s)/Pairing: Dean/Lisa
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, just borrowed
Summary: Dean's life adjustments after "Swan Song", needless to say, spoilers.
Author's Note: xposted at dean_lisa_love
Lisa holds him while he cries; in the door way, against the frame. His strong arms tight around her body, so tight, just wanting to be connected to something, anything, to be tethered, his face buried in the crook of her shoulder. She runs her fingers over his hair, just listening, just letting him get it out. Her heart aches for him.
He doesn’t say much, anything really. All she gets out is something like 'Sammy'.
"It'll be okay," she tries to tell him, but she feels in his embrace that it won't be.
~
Ben knows better than to come downstairs yet. He heard Dean's voice, ran to the window to see the Impala in the driveway, but with almost silence and the door still wide open, he knows not to come down yet. He sits on the top stair and listens, mostly soft crying and his mother's soothing voice.
It's not until the door closes and heavy booted foot steps (Lisa never wears shoes inside) slowly move to the kitchen. The sound of the refrigerator, the sizzling of boiled water spill over. Lisa apologizes and cleans it up.
Ben takes a breath and goes down stairs, pretends to be surprised when he sees Dean sitting at the table. His eyes are sad, and heavy; he's eleven and knows that something isn't right.
But Dean tries to put on a smile. "Hey, buddy," he says. For weeks after Dean had left two years before, Ben had anxiously waited for his return. He didn't need Lisa to confirm it, at nine he knew that the man with the cool car and old leather jacket was his father. But he says nothing as he moves across the table to give him a quick hug, then goes back to his seat.
Dinner is quiet, Dean doesn't really eat, just drinks his beer. He stares absently at the table, the nicks, the spot where Ben had carved his initials the year before, a stain from paint.
"You okay?" Lisa asks, knowing the answer.
"Yeah," he says and moves to the side.
~
For weeks Dean gets up when the sun rises and sits on the hood of the car, watching the sky change colors. He's there when Ben comes out the front door for school. The first day he didn't say anything, the second they nodded at each other and the third Dean said "Have a nice day, okay?"
Dean starts to have a routine after that day. He gets up when Ben gets up, goes down to the kitchen and makes coffee, then toast, first for himself then for Ben after the boy commented about breakfast. "You can't just make breakfast for yourself," he tells Dean.
Fair enough.
Toast in the mornings, sometimes an egg. He starts to make sure that Ben remembered his home work and has lunch money. With Ben at school, Lisa at work, Dean starts doing things around the house.
He fixes the screen door, the leaky faucet in the downstairs bathroom. Lisa's car stops working, but he finds the problem in the engine, slides under the car to reassemble it. Busy stuff to keep his mind off things. He sees Sam constantly, out of the corner of his eye, in the shadows. Mostly in his dreams. But he doesn't say anything about it.
He sleeps on the couch, because when he dreams and sees Sam, he doesn't go back to sleep, so he stays up and watches infomercials until Ben comes down for breakfast.
~
Two months later he finds a job on the outskirts of the city, a small mechanic's shop. They don't care about proper IDs and stuff when they see the impala roll up to the station and watch him pick out parts from the junkyard, assemble them back in the car all in one day.
He works four days a week, then every other Saturday. Him and Ben leave at the same time in the mornings; Dean still makes breakfast, makes sure Ben is on time. He gets home after Ben and Lisa, right when the sun is setting, normally sweaty, dirty. Lisa makes him change his clothes before sitting on the couch, but she always smiles when she says it. He goes up to shower and change; when he's done he smells dinner.
At the table Ben does his homework, Dean pours himself a drink. Lisa watches him, but says nothing. Not yet. Ben asks for help sometimes, mostly in math.
"Sorry, kid," Dean says. Sammy was the math whiz.
They eat dinner, Dean is on his second drink. They talk about their day, normal stuff. Ben puts his dishes in the sink afterwards, is allowed to watch TV or play video games. Sometimes
Dean plays with him while Lisa puts the food away. Tonight the game he plays is something with zombies. Dean laughs in his mind. This isn't what real zombies are like, but Ben is having fun and Dean is too. Once he realizes he is though, there's a sinking in his gut and he looses his luster for it.
"Dude, pay attention! They're getting you!" Ben exclaims.
He fiddles with the buttons, saves himself. "Sorry." He's done after that round, promises to play tomorrow.
"I'll be in the garage," he tells them. He takes his glass and leaves.
Lisa watches quietly. The slouch in his shoulders, the ice clinking in his glass.
Ben tries to start a new game. "Can you play that upstairs?"
"Mom-"
"Wasn't a real question," she states dismissively. He does as he's told. Lisa finishes the kitchen.
~
He sits in the car with his drink, runs his fingers over the carved initials in the dash. SW is all neat and proper while DW is crooked, sloppy even though he's the older one. He does this when he starts to feel happy, locks himself away to wallow.
He looks in the review mirror, sometimes half expecting Cas to appear in the back seat with news, but nothing.
He's in the car for about an hour before heading inside, glass empty, ice chewed and swallowed. Lisa's on the couch, legs curled under hear, leaning on an arm. Some show about a hospital; its not Dr. Sexy, so he doesn't care much.
"Hey," she says as he puts his glass in the sink. "Come sit with me."
She does this sometimes, mostly after his little visits to the garage. He always does, sinking into the couch. Tonight she takes a dare and leans over in his direction, her head on his shoulder. He sucks air through his teeth, quietly, fluttered hearted.
Normally he avoids being this close to her, unwilling to give in, to let her be there. They watch the show, it ends and its time for her to go to bed.
"Good night," she says, getting up, rounding the couch. As she does, he reaches out, lightly curling his fingers around her narrow wrist. She stops, looking down at him looking up at her. Sad eyes, heavy, his lips parted as if he'll say something. But he doesn't, lets her go.
"Night."
~
Still come the nightmares. He twitches in his sleep, rolls around, once rolled off the couch, almost hit his head on the coffee table. Sometimes he thinks that Cas has come to him, but it's just a dream, not the real thing. Cas is busy in heaven right now.
Sammy is there, there are always two of him. One that's falling into the Pit, or getting stabbed, or shot. The other Sam just stands there, watching, never angry, but just watches Dean fail over and over again.
~
Sometimes he thinks about leaving, about breaking his promise to Sam because sometimes he just can't stand it. When its a bad day, when he gets bombarded at work and can't fix something, when Lisa yells at him for leaving his crap all over the living room and when Ben pesters him about demons and salt and changelings again.
He thinks of just packing up and driving away, breaking Sam out of hell had to be easier to deal with than this. But then he sits in the car with his drink, thinks of Sam, hears his brother's voice repeat over and over again: 'you pray that Lisa's stupid enough to take you in and live a normal life'. So he comes back in, says sorry to Lisa and picks up his things, teaches Ben how to draw a devil's trap when Lisa goes up for bath.
~
Six months for him, sixty years in Hell for Sam, but Dean is thinking less and less of it. He's occupied, he's busy. No word from Cas, but a voice mail from Bobby.
He takes Ben to baseball practice, stays to watch, cheers him on. The other parents comment on how good Ben is, how much the two of them look alike, but he doesn't pay any mind.
He plays catch with Ben in the backyard while Lisa is cooking dinner, sometimes teaches him some self defense moves. "Don't let your mom see you doing this stuff." He explains.
"Yeah, yeah."
After Ben goes to bed one night, and they're watching TV, Lisa kisses him, soft at first, lightly on the lips. He thinks of pulling back and away; just because he promised Sam he'd stay here, doesn't mean he had to be fully happy, but she smells so nice, and the memories of their wild, 'bendy' weekend come rushing back, flooding his mind, pushing everything away.
They make quiet love on the couch, with their clothes mostly on, in case Ben comes down stairs. He kisses her deeply, keeps his hand on her hip bone; she squeezes his shoulder, noticing a burned scar on it, tugs at his hair.
When their done he lays on top of her, his head on her chest, heaving. "Let's go to bed," she says.
He does, and he sleeps without a night mare, with her arm around his waist.
~
Finally Cas speaks to him in his dream. "It's all right to be happy, Dean," he tells.
"Can't be happy with out Sam."
"But you are."
"Dammit, Cas."
~
Dean drives Ben to school when it gets cold out, when the morning sky is gray and sometimes you can smell snow on the air. Ben is all excited that first day when Dean puts coffee in a mug and motions the boy over.
Dean gets chills when he looks over at Ben in Sam's seat; holding an iPod in his hands, moving his finger over the dial, quite the familiar scene. He tries to make conversation. "What do you got on there?"
Ben shrugs. "AC/DC. Zeppelin."
Dean grins. "Good choices."
The kid rolls his eyes as if to say 'duh', goes back to shuffling. There's a sinking in his gut and Dean almost stops the car, but it's only five minutes to school. There some of the kids stop to look at this awesome car that's pulling up. A few of the moms eye Dean, smile at him.
"Be good," Dean says.
"Yeah." Ben gets out, slams shut the door. Another wave in his gut as he watches. Dean's not stupid; he's noted the similarities between him and Ben, even Sammy and Ben. The slouch in his walk, furrowed brow, even the pursed lips when Ben’s annoyed, but he's not going to bring it up to Lisa.
Ben suddenly turns back, coming to Dean's side, leaning on the window. "Are you going to be here to pick me up?" Secretly Ben's always afraid he'll come home one day and Dean will be gone.
"Yeah, yeah I'll be here buddy." He'll leave work a few hours early.
"'Kay." He jogs back up the stairs to his friends.
Dean starts up the car and speeds away.
~
Another dream, this time it's not Castiel, but Sam's there. They sit on a bench at a park, the park down the street where Dean takes Ben to throw the football. In his head he screams about waking up, get up dean you ass, get up, but he doesn't, he just sits, afraid, sad.
"What are you doing here?" Dean asks.
Sam shakes his head, he's still in the same clothes he died in. "Just popping in."
There is a lovely scene that's unfolding in front of them. A perfect image, life. Lisa pushing a baby in a swing, Ben playing with an RC car on the sidewalk.
"You've got a nice life, Dean."
He shakes his head. "Not without you."
Sam laughs; Dean misses this. "You'll see. Mom and Dad say 'hi'."
There's the sound of flapping wings and when Dean turns his head, Sam is gone.
~
After work, and shower, Dean's on the couch drinking a beer, watching TV. Lisa is making dinner, talking about this chick in one of her classes, Ben does his homework.
He finishes his beer and walks to the kitchen, puts the bottle in the bid for recycling. While Lisa is reaching over the stove he comes up behind her, kisses her cheek. They're not affectionate around Ben; she's not sure where things are going. He sleeps in her bed, they have sex.
Her spine freezes and she tries to keep on like nothing's happened. "What's that for?"
He shrugs. "Felt like it."
She smiles, blushes. "Help me set the table?"
"Sure."