A quick(ish) thought about Sam and his state of mind lately - 8.1 spoilers
The first time I watched the new episode, I'd never been so mad at Sam. I think that's true for a lot of us... But then I started thinking.
First, I noticed (and I may be wrong, but this is how it appears from what I've seen) that it's the Sam girls ESPECIALLY who are mad at him. You'd think it would be the other way, right? After all, it's Dean he abandoned. I myself am slightly more of a Dean girl, but I still love Sam. And I think we're mad at him because we love him. Because we love his stubbornness, his incredible strength, and his tendency to never give up even when he probably should.
But this is not the first time he's been in that state of mind. And the other time wasn't even that long ago. In 7.17, Sam gave up on his own life.
"If we don't find something---"
"Then I'll die... Dean we knew this was coming."
Of course, he bounced back from that, right? Right? I don't think so.
It's hard to get past being that low. Some part of it stays with us---I think anyone who's been there would say that. And just because Sam acted fine in 7.18 and beyond, it doesn't mean he was. This is Sam we're talking about. He doesn't like to show vulnerability, even if he's more inclined to talk about his feelings than Dean is. He's never let on when something's deeply wrong with him---think the beginning of Hallucifer, demon blood, even Jess (I had a hard time liking Sam the first time I saw season 1 mostly because I failed to see how much he was hurting over her. And I didn't see it because he kept it inside. Because that's the way he is.) I also didn't quite buy that "I'm okay" line in 7.18.
No, I don't think it's Hallucifer. It may not have even been hell. I think more likely it was just the remnants of being in that state of mind where you're ready to die, and not because there's some reason for it, like the end of season 5---that was the exact opposite kind of ready. I don't mean he was suicidal, although honestly, if you said he actually was I might be a little surprised, but not very, and if you made a convincing case I'd believe you. But he certainly gave up. He BROKE past any point we've ever seen Sam break.
They call it breaking for a reason. When a part of a person breaks, it often takes them some time to put it back together, if they ever do---and I've seen them not.
Alright, fine. But giving up on his own life isn't the same as giving up on Dean's. These are the Winchesters, they die for each other all the time. (I'm putting that line in my quotes or something. I can't believe I just typed that.) Anyway, to that, I'm just going to say that it's the state of mind that's given up, rather than anything to do with lack of value for his own life---I think at that point, actually, he did value his life, which is one part of what makes it different from Swan Song. And yes, he values Dean. A lot. But I think he was afraid to hope. I think he couldn't bear the idea of being let down. I think he felt like he didn't have the strength to find out he couldn't get Dean back---and that's why he didn't try.
(I have more thoughts on the new episode here, but it's mostly word-vomit and fangirling, so if you're interested you can take a look, but not for those who want something that's actually presentable.)
I'd love to hear your thoughts. ♥