Conversations in the Library, for Ashley [Somberballad]
Title: Conversations in the Library
Written for: Ashley, Somberballad, Somberballad
Request:I'd like a story about Hermione and the romantic feelings she goes through with Harry, who seems to show no interest in her. // You can take it from there where you like...he can like, he can hate her...he can be uncomfortable with her...just want to be friends... // Yes, I want there to be angst! The romance is up to you.
Rating:PG
Characters/Pairings: Harry/Hermione
Hermione sat in the library, alone. She was always alone these days, or so it seemed. With NEWTs fast approaching-only four months away now-she was doing her level best not to panic, but it seemed as though no one else felt the way she did.
Ron had never been interested in school, not really. So she wasn’t at all surprised that he wasn’t joining her in the library on a regular basis, but she would have appreciated a little acknowledgment from him once in awhile. She thought she ought to be used to his taking her for granted by now, but it was no use. He always managed to make up for it, though. He was a good friend and she was glad to have him.
Harry, of course, was completely wrapped up in his still fruitless search for Horcruxes. Hermione knew that she shouldn’t think of it as ‘his’ search. It was their search, hers and his and Ron’s. She helped as much as she could, but she was honestly terrified about her exams and they consumed her thoughts. Ron at least was helping. He considered it far more interesting than any subject offered at Hogwarts.
Harry didn’t take her for granted, not so much as Ron did. But she wanted more than simple acknowledgment from him. When Hermione was with Harry, her whole being lit up. She could be convinced to do the most irrational things when she caught the slightest glimpse of his endearing smile or his vibrant eyes. He was, for all his failings, the best person she knew and she loved him, with everything she had.
But she couldn’t think about Harry, not now. She was attempting to study. Glancing back down at the page in front of her, Hermione continued to read. The properties of a considerable number of poisons are such that even when one applies the principles of-
“Here you are, Hermione! Honestly, you’ve been spending more time here than in your own common room!” Harry flopped down in the chair next to her, dropping his bag on the table with a loud thud. Hermione stifled her smile at the joy of seeing him and instead gave him a stern glance, which he ignored.
“Of course I’ve been spending time here! What with NEWTs coming up and your-“ she dropped her voice “Horcruxes, I have my hands full!” Her tone was harsher than she felt, a cover to keep the tenderness from her voice.
“They aren’t my Horcruxes!” he exclaimed indignantly. “And besides, NEWTs are four months away. Come on, let’s go for a walk, get out of the castle.” She hesitated. “Please?” he asked, giving the smile she never could never resist. She shrugged and nodded, thinking that at if she were to be alone, it would be better to be alone with Harry.
“Great, I’ll run and get Ron and meet you by the doors in a few minutes, alright?” Hermione nodded again and waved him off, looking down to conceal her disappointment. So much for being alone with Harry. Perhaps she should have said something, let a little of her pleasure in being near him show. Didn’t she owe it to him to be honest? For one of the first times in her life, Hermione didn’t know. It was quite frustrating.
A few weeks later, Hermione found herself in a similar situation in the library. Books were spread all around her, she had a quill in her hand and a parchment half covered in notes in front of her, and she was thinking about Harry.
He’d been distant lately, she realized. No doubt the situation was stressful for him. That was no reason to push his friends away, however. Even Ron had noticed and mentioned something to her, going so far as to seek her out at one of her solitary evenings in the library. Hermione had only shrugged, pleased that Ron was confiding in her. She was tired of being lonely. Yet here she was again, alone in the library.
“Hermione.” Harry was across from her. She’d been so wrapped up in her thoughts she hadn’t even noticed his approach. “Really, Hermione, you’ve been so out of it! Got a lot on your mind, have you?” She was startled to hear Harry echo back her own thoughts about him. Then again, they’d always understood each other fairly well.
“Yes, Harry, I have a lot on my mind.”
“More than usual? I mean, I know NEWTs are ‘practically on top of us,’”he used her own words from dinner the previous night, “and we aren’t making any progress on...the other thing, but Ron isn’t acting like this and he has Quidditch on top of everything else. So something else must be bothering you.” Harry leaned back, clearly feeling triumphant about this piece of deduction.
Hermione’s heart leapt. This was the chance she’d been looking for! An opportunity to tell Harry everything she’d been feeling, to try to make him understand, to see if he felt the same way.
“Well, to be honest, there is something.” She paused, unsure how exactly to continue. She’d never professed her love to anyone before, and it was clearly not as easy as it seemed in books.
“Harry! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Ginny came up to them, a deceptively pleasant smile on her face. From the answering look of shame and horror on Harry’s, they were supposed to be doing something together and he had forgotten. “Hi, Hermione, I haven’t seen you in ages. Could I borrow Harry for a bit? Then you and I should talk, it’s been a long time.” Hermione had no choice but to nod. Ginny grasped Harry’s arm and lifted him straight out of his chair, steering him away.
Hermione groaned inwardly. How could she have forgotten about Ginny? The other girl was supposed to be her friend. Although her relationship with Harry was over, there was still a lot of tension between the two, and Hermione suspected that there were unresolved issues. From the look of things, Harry was avoiding talking about them. Ginny wouldn’t stand for that. The last time the two had talked, Ginny had told Hermione that she was over Harry, but that she wished she could have gotten more closure, a better reason for ending it. Hermione wasn’t sure if she could believe her.
The following evening, Hermione sat at her usual table in the library. She was as alone as ever, though other seventh years had taken to using the library as well. Mostly Ravenclaws, though a few dedicated Hufflepuffs were present as well. At least she wasn’t alone in worrying about exams. Still, though, knowing that none of the others in the room cared to sit with her served only to highlight her loneliness.
It was Arithmancy that night, something the boys couldn’t have helped her with anyway. She couldn’t help but wish that they’d keep her company at least.
Those thoughts wouldn’t get her anywhere, though. Self-pity never achieved an Outstanding NEWT. Hermione bent her head over her textbook, searching for the answer to the sample problem set by Professor Vector. Ten minutes later, she still hadn’t found it. But someone else had found her.
“Hello, Hermione. Hard at the studying, I see. You need a break?” Ginny was smiling truly pleasantly as she took the seat across from Hermione. “I brought you a chocolate frog!” Ginny slid it surreptitiously over the table after glancing around to determine that Madam Pince wasn’t anywhere near them. Hermione, in her fragile state, was extraordinarily touched by this gesture of friendship and actually had to force the tears from her eyes.
“Thanks, Ginny, chocolate is just what the doctor ordered. Do you want a leg?” Ginny shook her head.
“I guess this is the point where I admit to having an ulterior motive,” Ginny grinned. “I wanted to talk to you about Harry. Do you have a few minutes?” A stab of fear shot through Hermione. Did Ginny know? Or worse, had she decided she still wanted Harry? Hermione knew she could never compete with Ginny.
“Of course, Ginny. What’s on your mind?” The younger girl sighed.
“Harry and I had a long talk last night, but I think I did all the talking. He’s just so closed up, I can’t get through to him. Last year, I would just have kissed him and he would have caved, but I obviously can’t do that now, and I don’t want to. I can’t go there again. Being with Harry is like being on drugs, I think. He’s completely intoxicating, but he eats away at you. It’s hard enough just being his friend.” Hermione nodded. Harry did have that effect on people. “Anyway. Do you know what’s bothering him?”
“I don’t have any idea,” Hermione said, somewhat untruthfully. As far as she knew, Ginny didn’t know about the Horcruxes or the prophecy. “I mean, NEWTs are getting us all down, and the Quidditch team isn’t doing terribly well, and he’s been having a hard time without Dumbledore around, and there are reports of new deaths every day and I know he considers that partially his fault for not having already killed Voldemort, but...”
“But that’s been there all year,” Ginny filled in.
“Yes.”
“I’m just afraid that he’s going to push everyone away again. I’m not in love with him anymore, but I do love him and I worry about him. He won’t tell me anything. He’s got some stupid notion of chivalry in his head, like I need protecting from the big, bad world. It’s flattering at times, but it’s infuriating. Do you think he’ll talk to you?”
“I don’t truthfully know. I had been thinking that I need to try, though. Even Ron’s noticed.” Ginny’s eyes widened, even as she smiled.
“Well then, the situation must be worse than I thought. I’d really appreciate it, Hermione, even though I know you’re not doing it for me.” Hermione’s head shot up and she looked into Ginny’s disingenuous brown eyes. Nothing was revealed there, but Hermione was almost certain that the redhead knew, or at least suspected.
“Yes, I’m doing it for Harry. I’ll talk to him and let you know if he tells me anything.” Hermione smiled, hoping it didn’t look as forced as it felt.
“Thanks. Well, I’ve got my own homework to do, so I’ll leave you to your studying,” Ginny said brightly, rising and waving at a few of the others in the library before leaving. Hermione sighed. She’d wanted to talk to Harry, but now she was really backed into a corner. Ginny wouldn’t let it go; it wasn’t in her nature. It would have been so much easier if she didn’t have all these confused emotions.
Hermione cared for Harry, of course, the same way she cared for Ron. She was often exasperated with him, frequently furious with him, constantly amazed by him and not necessarily in a positive way, and always affectionate towards him. She felt all that for Ron, too. There was something else with Harry.
Ginny had put it quite well, actually. He was intoxicating, in both the positive and negative sense of the word. Hermione was completely caught up in him; he consumed her thoughts. She worried about him, of course, but it was more than that. She was afraid to admit it, but it was possible she was in love with him. She didn’t want to be.
Love was something she wasn’t ready for. Hermione was terrified of ruining their friendship, though he and Ginny and she and Ron hadn’t had much difficult moving from friends to more and then back to friends. It just wasn’t the same thing, somehow. She and Harry were different. It was inexplicable, but it was there. Despite that, she wanted Harry so much it scared her.
That, Hermione suddenly realized, was all she was ever going to feel unless she talked to him. Fear. She was afraid of losing him, but she was afraid of herself when she thought about him. But this was Harry, and if he knew he was causing her to be afraid, he’d be furious with both her and himself. It couldn’t go on. She would talk to him. Soon.
Resolved, Hermione bent her head to her work again and finished the rogue Arithmancy problem in a matter of minutes.
A week later, Hermione still hadn’t talked to Harry. She’d felt alone for weeks, but suddenly, it seemed as though she couldn’t be alone. Every time she thought she’d finally secured a few minutes for the two of them, someone interrupted. It was frequently Ron, and Hermione couldn’t be angry with him for spending time with his friends. But it wasn’t always Ron, and Hermione was frustrated. In desperation, because she suddenly felt unreasonably overcrowded, she’d returned to the library, alone, to get some work done. It worked like a charm. There were people at every table, but none of them so much as looked at her.
Hermione wondered briefly what on earth was wrong with her. She had been unhappy without company, wishing people cared enough to seek her out, and then they did, and she was still unhappy. It was completely irritating. If she delved a little deeper, she knew it would come down to the fact that she wanted to be with Harry, and only Harry.
With classic good timing, the object of all her thoughts appeared beside her, taking the seat without saying anything. Hermione didn’t say anything either, taking a few moments to revel in being alone with him, not talking, not thinking, not worrying. Just being.
Then she broke the silence.
“Harry, we need to talk,” she said quietly, striving to sound assertive, but not demanding.
“Are you breaking up with me, Hermione?” He grinned cheekily at her. She swatted his arm lightly. “Okay, okay. What are we talking about?”
“Any number of things, I suppose. For starters, though, is anything bothering you? I mean, aside from the obvious things I already know about? You’ve been walking around like you have this huge weight on your shoulders, and even Ron’s noticed, and I just worry about you so much, I need to know what’s wrong.” Hermione rattled it all out quickly, avoiding meeting his eyes even though part of her wanted to look at him.
“Hermione, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yes, I have a lot on my mind, but there’s nothing you don’t know about.” She fixed him with a piercing stare, picked up from Professors Snape and McGonagall. He opened his mouth, looking indignant, and then closed it, shaking his head slightly. “Have you been talking to Ginny? She keeps trying to get this out of me, and I just can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone.”
“Harry! I don’t really agree with your ideas of keeping Ginny in a nice safe box, but you can’t possibly treat Ron and me the same way! You need to get this off your chest, whatever it is!”
“No, I don’t! I know you think it’s something of vital importance to the Order or whatever, but it’s not! There’s nothing I can do about it, and nothing you or especially Ron can do about it, so just let it go!” He glared at her moodily. Hermione glared right back, though she felt a corner of her mouth turn up. Once, Harry yelling at her would have intimidated her to no end and she would have given in instantly. Not now.
“Harry! You listen to me! If this doesn’t have anything to do with...anything else...then that’s even more of a reason to talk about it! You have enough on your plate! Please, just tell me I’ll try to help you work through it! Please.” What had started out as a reprimand turned into a plea, and Hermione was angry with herself for it. She had meant to force it out of him. Pleas would have no effect. To her surprise and pleasure, this one did.
“Fine! You want to know what’s bothering me? It’s something so stupid and trivial, considering the situation in the world right now, that I’m even more bothered that it’s bothering me.” He stared down at the table and muttered, “I fancy this girl. And I know nothing can come of it.”
Hermione was speechless. She felt the breath go out of her in a great gasp, leaving a physical void inside of her. Harry wanted someone else. Her head was spinning and she felt dizzy. She’d been all set to confide her feelings for Harry after he unburdened himself to her, and he wanted someone else. It felt like it took all of her strength to ask the inevitable question.
“Who is she?”
Harry just shook his head miserably.“I’m not going to tell you. It wouldn’t make any difference.”
“It might, Harry! Do you have any idea how fanciable you’ve become? Especially since your relationship with Ginny. Just about any girl would be completely smitten if she knew you fancied her. Unless she was a Slytherin, perhaps,” Hermione added as an afterthought. “Oh, Harry! She’s not a Slytherin, is she?”
“Of course not!” he spat defensively. “She’s one of the best people I know, and she’s so smart, and so kind. She’s just wonderful, and it doesn’t matter if she likes me too, I can’t be with her.”
“Harry? I don’t understand. Why can’t you be with her?” It struck Hermione suddenly how strange it was for them to be having this conversation. While she and Harry had talked about almost everything during their friendship, the only girl they’d ever discussed was Cho, and that only because Harry was so clueless she’d taken pity on him. He heaved a sigh.
“Did Ginny ever tell you why I broke up with her?” Hermione shook her head. Ginny had mentioned a few things, enough for Hermione to piece it together, but she’d never come out and said it. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with her anymore. At the time, I wanted to be with her more than anything. It was because we were going to go off on this great Horcrux hunt, and I didn’t want Voldemort to use her to get to me. Our relationship was too close as it was, I didn’t want to get even closer. I was falling in love, and I had to stop it. I didn’t want Voldemort to get to her.”
“Harry, you idiot! Ginny is in no less danger now than she was when the two of you were together! Her whole family is! It’s got nothing to do with you!” At his glare, she amended, “Well, yes, it does, but not like you think. They’re considered blood traitors, you know. They’d have been targeted even if you hadn’t spent the last six summers with them.”
“Okay then. Assuming that’s true-and I’m not saying it is-then this other girl would certainly be in danger for being with me ”
“Oh, Harry. Anyone in this school could be targeted to get to you. You shouldn’t let that stop you from living your life. If you like this girl, you should let her know. It’s eating away at you, can’t you see?” It broke Hermione’s heart to give him that advice, but she wanted so much to see him happy.
“Hermione, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he said quietly. “And neither would she,” Harry added quickly. “I just can’t.” Pity overwhelmed Hermione. He looked so pathetic.
“Fine, Harry. Whatever you want. I wish you could trust me with this, but I suppose I understand. Now, I’ve got to get back to my homework.” In truth, tears were threatening to pour from her eyes at any moment, and she didn’t want Harry to see them. She looked down and aimlessly shuffled the parchment on the table.
“Bloody hell,” Harry swore softly. Hermione jerked her head up. Harry rarely swore; it must have been even worse than she thought.
“It’s you, Hermione. And you don’t like me that way, and even if you did, we couldn’t do that to Ron and you’re in enough danger as is, I won’t put you in more trouble than you’re already in for being my best friend.” Harry got up quickly and turned to go. Hermione was almost too stunned to move. Almost.
“Wait! Harry! I’m the girl you’ve been talking about?” She grabbed his arm desperately to keep him from running from her. He nodded curtly, staring defiantly at the floor. She almost fainted with happiness, struggling to find the words. Finally, she decided that there weren’t any. She took a step toward him and stood on her toes, kissing his lips softly.
Hermione pulled away almost as quickly as she had initially moved toward him. Now she was the one looking resolutely at the floor. She could feel Harry’s shock radiating off of him-but then, she was already so in tune with his emotions that she couldn’t be certain if the contact had enhanced that or not. She was certain that her lips felt like they’d been branded and she was still a little unstable. No kiss had ever affected her that way.
Harry kept silent and eventually the suspense got the better of her. She looked straight up into his eyes and raised an eyebrow. “Well? Are you going to say anything?” He shook his head. Hermione was floored. He didn’t have anything to say? Was she that terrible a kisser? She opened her mouth to protest but he shook his head again, sharply, and raised a hand to hold her off. What seemed like hours later, but was probably less than five minutes, he spoke.
“Thank you for that, Hermione. And I realize I’m probably insulting you by saying that, but I really mean it.” He paused and ran a hand through his hair nervously, his face full of regret. “Look. What just happened was incredible. Better than I ever imagined it could be, really. But it can’t happen again. I meant what I said before. You and Ron had that thing and so this,” he gestured between them, “would be awkward. And yes, you are in danger from being my friend. But being my girlfriend would make you an even greater target-even more so than Ron-and I couldn’t handle the guilt of that, not to mention the pain if Voldemort were to somehow get a hold of you. Maybe I’m being selfish, but if that kiss was any indication, if we’re...together...I would care about you a thousand times more, because you’d let me. I’d let me and believe me, whatever it looks like, I’m not letting me right now. I can’t go through that. Everyone I care about gets hurt, and the more I care, the more it hurts. I’m sorry, Hermione. I can’t.”
“Harry-“
“No. I can’t. If things were different, then I’d be with you in a heartbeat. But as it is, I can’t. I just can’t. You have to respect that. Please.”
Hermione didn’t say anything. What could she say?
Harry walked away slowly, as if he wasn’t certain he was supposed to be doing it, but he had made up his mind. He walked through the library door and he did not look back.
Hermione blinked away tears-she didn’t want to cry all over the books covering the table. Wiping her eyes, she stood up and put the books and parchment into piles briskly. “Okay,” she said softly. “Okay. He was honest. I was honest. And now I know. And now I can hope. Tomorrow is another day.” Then Hermione, too, left the library. She didn’t look back.
A/N: I'm sorry about the Gone With the Wind line at the end there. I really couldn't resist.
Written for: Ashley, Somberballad, Somberballad
Request:I'd like a story about Hermione and the romantic feelings she goes through with Harry, who seems to show no interest in her. // You can take it from there where you like...he can like, he can hate her...he can be uncomfortable with her...just want to be friends... // Yes, I want there to be angst! The romance is up to you.
Rating:PG
Characters/Pairings: Harry/Hermione
Hermione sat in the library, alone. She was always alone these days, or so it seemed. With NEWTs fast approaching-only four months away now-she was doing her level best not to panic, but it seemed as though no one else felt the way she did.
Ron had never been interested in school, not really. So she wasn’t at all surprised that he wasn’t joining her in the library on a regular basis, but she would have appreciated a little acknowledgment from him once in awhile. She thought she ought to be used to his taking her for granted by now, but it was no use. He always managed to make up for it, though. He was a good friend and she was glad to have him.
Harry, of course, was completely wrapped up in his still fruitless search for Horcruxes. Hermione knew that she shouldn’t think of it as ‘his’ search. It was their search, hers and his and Ron’s. She helped as much as she could, but she was honestly terrified about her exams and they consumed her thoughts. Ron at least was helping. He considered it far more interesting than any subject offered at Hogwarts.
Harry didn’t take her for granted, not so much as Ron did. But she wanted more than simple acknowledgment from him. When Hermione was with Harry, her whole being lit up. She could be convinced to do the most irrational things when she caught the slightest glimpse of his endearing smile or his vibrant eyes. He was, for all his failings, the best person she knew and she loved him, with everything she had.
But she couldn’t think about Harry, not now. She was attempting to study. Glancing back down at the page in front of her, Hermione continued to read. The properties of a considerable number of poisons are such that even when one applies the principles of-
“Here you are, Hermione! Honestly, you’ve been spending more time here than in your own common room!” Harry flopped down in the chair next to her, dropping his bag on the table with a loud thud. Hermione stifled her smile at the joy of seeing him and instead gave him a stern glance, which he ignored.
“Of course I’ve been spending time here! What with NEWTs coming up and your-“ she dropped her voice “Horcruxes, I have my hands full!” Her tone was harsher than she felt, a cover to keep the tenderness from her voice.
“They aren’t my Horcruxes!” he exclaimed indignantly. “And besides, NEWTs are four months away. Come on, let’s go for a walk, get out of the castle.” She hesitated. “Please?” he asked, giving the smile she never could never resist. She shrugged and nodded, thinking that at if she were to be alone, it would be better to be alone with Harry.
“Great, I’ll run and get Ron and meet you by the doors in a few minutes, alright?” Hermione nodded again and waved him off, looking down to conceal her disappointment. So much for being alone with Harry. Perhaps she should have said something, let a little of her pleasure in being near him show. Didn’t she owe it to him to be honest? For one of the first times in her life, Hermione didn’t know. It was quite frustrating.
A few weeks later, Hermione found herself in a similar situation in the library. Books were spread all around her, she had a quill in her hand and a parchment half covered in notes in front of her, and she was thinking about Harry.
He’d been distant lately, she realized. No doubt the situation was stressful for him. That was no reason to push his friends away, however. Even Ron had noticed and mentioned something to her, going so far as to seek her out at one of her solitary evenings in the library. Hermione had only shrugged, pleased that Ron was confiding in her. She was tired of being lonely. Yet here she was again, alone in the library.
“Hermione.” Harry was across from her. She’d been so wrapped up in her thoughts she hadn’t even noticed his approach. “Really, Hermione, you’ve been so out of it! Got a lot on your mind, have you?” She was startled to hear Harry echo back her own thoughts about him. Then again, they’d always understood each other fairly well.
“Yes, Harry, I have a lot on my mind.”
“More than usual? I mean, I know NEWTs are ‘practically on top of us,’”he used her own words from dinner the previous night, “and we aren’t making any progress on...the other thing, but Ron isn’t acting like this and he has Quidditch on top of everything else. So something else must be bothering you.” Harry leaned back, clearly feeling triumphant about this piece of deduction.
Hermione’s heart leapt. This was the chance she’d been looking for! An opportunity to tell Harry everything she’d been feeling, to try to make him understand, to see if he felt the same way.
“Well, to be honest, there is something.” She paused, unsure how exactly to continue. She’d never professed her love to anyone before, and it was clearly not as easy as it seemed in books.
“Harry! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Ginny came up to them, a deceptively pleasant smile on her face. From the answering look of shame and horror on Harry’s, they were supposed to be doing something together and he had forgotten. “Hi, Hermione, I haven’t seen you in ages. Could I borrow Harry for a bit? Then you and I should talk, it’s been a long time.” Hermione had no choice but to nod. Ginny grasped Harry’s arm and lifted him straight out of his chair, steering him away.
Hermione groaned inwardly. How could she have forgotten about Ginny? The other girl was supposed to be her friend. Although her relationship with Harry was over, there was still a lot of tension between the two, and Hermione suspected that there were unresolved issues. From the look of things, Harry was avoiding talking about them. Ginny wouldn’t stand for that. The last time the two had talked, Ginny had told Hermione that she was over Harry, but that she wished she could have gotten more closure, a better reason for ending it. Hermione wasn’t sure if she could believe her.
The following evening, Hermione sat at her usual table in the library. She was as alone as ever, though other seventh years had taken to using the library as well. Mostly Ravenclaws, though a few dedicated Hufflepuffs were present as well. At least she wasn’t alone in worrying about exams. Still, though, knowing that none of the others in the room cared to sit with her served only to highlight her loneliness.
It was Arithmancy that night, something the boys couldn’t have helped her with anyway. She couldn’t help but wish that they’d keep her company at least.
Those thoughts wouldn’t get her anywhere, though. Self-pity never achieved an Outstanding NEWT. Hermione bent her head over her textbook, searching for the answer to the sample problem set by Professor Vector. Ten minutes later, she still hadn’t found it. But someone else had found her.
“Hello, Hermione. Hard at the studying, I see. You need a break?” Ginny was smiling truly pleasantly as she took the seat across from Hermione. “I brought you a chocolate frog!” Ginny slid it surreptitiously over the table after glancing around to determine that Madam Pince wasn’t anywhere near them. Hermione, in her fragile state, was extraordinarily touched by this gesture of friendship and actually had to force the tears from her eyes.
“Thanks, Ginny, chocolate is just what the doctor ordered. Do you want a leg?” Ginny shook her head.
“I guess this is the point where I admit to having an ulterior motive,” Ginny grinned. “I wanted to talk to you about Harry. Do you have a few minutes?” A stab of fear shot through Hermione. Did Ginny know? Or worse, had she decided she still wanted Harry? Hermione knew she could never compete with Ginny.
“Of course, Ginny. What’s on your mind?” The younger girl sighed.
“Harry and I had a long talk last night, but I think I did all the talking. He’s just so closed up, I can’t get through to him. Last year, I would just have kissed him and he would have caved, but I obviously can’t do that now, and I don’t want to. I can’t go there again. Being with Harry is like being on drugs, I think. He’s completely intoxicating, but he eats away at you. It’s hard enough just being his friend.” Hermione nodded. Harry did have that effect on people. “Anyway. Do you know what’s bothering him?”
“I don’t have any idea,” Hermione said, somewhat untruthfully. As far as she knew, Ginny didn’t know about the Horcruxes or the prophecy. “I mean, NEWTs are getting us all down, and the Quidditch team isn’t doing terribly well, and he’s been having a hard time without Dumbledore around, and there are reports of new deaths every day and I know he considers that partially his fault for not having already killed Voldemort, but...”
“But that’s been there all year,” Ginny filled in.
“Yes.”
“I’m just afraid that he’s going to push everyone away again. I’m not in love with him anymore, but I do love him and I worry about him. He won’t tell me anything. He’s got some stupid notion of chivalry in his head, like I need protecting from the big, bad world. It’s flattering at times, but it’s infuriating. Do you think he’ll talk to you?”
“I don’t truthfully know. I had been thinking that I need to try, though. Even Ron’s noticed.” Ginny’s eyes widened, even as she smiled.
“Well then, the situation must be worse than I thought. I’d really appreciate it, Hermione, even though I know you’re not doing it for me.” Hermione’s head shot up and she looked into Ginny’s disingenuous brown eyes. Nothing was revealed there, but Hermione was almost certain that the redhead knew, or at least suspected.
“Yes, I’m doing it for Harry. I’ll talk to him and let you know if he tells me anything.” Hermione smiled, hoping it didn’t look as forced as it felt.
“Thanks. Well, I’ve got my own homework to do, so I’ll leave you to your studying,” Ginny said brightly, rising and waving at a few of the others in the library before leaving. Hermione sighed. She’d wanted to talk to Harry, but now she was really backed into a corner. Ginny wouldn’t let it go; it wasn’t in her nature. It would have been so much easier if she didn’t have all these confused emotions.
Hermione cared for Harry, of course, the same way she cared for Ron. She was often exasperated with him, frequently furious with him, constantly amazed by him and not necessarily in a positive way, and always affectionate towards him. She felt all that for Ron, too. There was something else with Harry.
Ginny had put it quite well, actually. He was intoxicating, in both the positive and negative sense of the word. Hermione was completely caught up in him; he consumed her thoughts. She worried about him, of course, but it was more than that. She was afraid to admit it, but it was possible she was in love with him. She didn’t want to be.
Love was something she wasn’t ready for. Hermione was terrified of ruining their friendship, though he and Ginny and she and Ron hadn’t had much difficult moving from friends to more and then back to friends. It just wasn’t the same thing, somehow. She and Harry were different. It was inexplicable, but it was there. Despite that, she wanted Harry so much it scared her.
That, Hermione suddenly realized, was all she was ever going to feel unless she talked to him. Fear. She was afraid of losing him, but she was afraid of herself when she thought about him. But this was Harry, and if he knew he was causing her to be afraid, he’d be furious with both her and himself. It couldn’t go on. She would talk to him. Soon.
Resolved, Hermione bent her head to her work again and finished the rogue Arithmancy problem in a matter of minutes.
A week later, Hermione still hadn’t talked to Harry. She’d felt alone for weeks, but suddenly, it seemed as though she couldn’t be alone. Every time she thought she’d finally secured a few minutes for the two of them, someone interrupted. It was frequently Ron, and Hermione couldn’t be angry with him for spending time with his friends. But it wasn’t always Ron, and Hermione was frustrated. In desperation, because she suddenly felt unreasonably overcrowded, she’d returned to the library, alone, to get some work done. It worked like a charm. There were people at every table, but none of them so much as looked at her.
Hermione wondered briefly what on earth was wrong with her. She had been unhappy without company, wishing people cared enough to seek her out, and then they did, and she was still unhappy. It was completely irritating. If she delved a little deeper, she knew it would come down to the fact that she wanted to be with Harry, and only Harry.
With classic good timing, the object of all her thoughts appeared beside her, taking the seat without saying anything. Hermione didn’t say anything either, taking a few moments to revel in being alone with him, not talking, not thinking, not worrying. Just being.
Then she broke the silence.
“Harry, we need to talk,” she said quietly, striving to sound assertive, but not demanding.
“Are you breaking up with me, Hermione?” He grinned cheekily at her. She swatted his arm lightly. “Okay, okay. What are we talking about?”
“Any number of things, I suppose. For starters, though, is anything bothering you? I mean, aside from the obvious things I already know about? You’ve been walking around like you have this huge weight on your shoulders, and even Ron’s noticed, and I just worry about you so much, I need to know what’s wrong.” Hermione rattled it all out quickly, avoiding meeting his eyes even though part of her wanted to look at him.
“Hermione, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yes, I have a lot on my mind, but there’s nothing you don’t know about.” She fixed him with a piercing stare, picked up from Professors Snape and McGonagall. He opened his mouth, looking indignant, and then closed it, shaking his head slightly. “Have you been talking to Ginny? She keeps trying to get this out of me, and I just can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone.”
“Harry! I don’t really agree with your ideas of keeping Ginny in a nice safe box, but you can’t possibly treat Ron and me the same way! You need to get this off your chest, whatever it is!”
“No, I don’t! I know you think it’s something of vital importance to the Order or whatever, but it’s not! There’s nothing I can do about it, and nothing you or especially Ron can do about it, so just let it go!” He glared at her moodily. Hermione glared right back, though she felt a corner of her mouth turn up. Once, Harry yelling at her would have intimidated her to no end and she would have given in instantly. Not now.
“Harry! You listen to me! If this doesn’t have anything to do with...anything else...then that’s even more of a reason to talk about it! You have enough on your plate! Please, just tell me I’ll try to help you work through it! Please.” What had started out as a reprimand turned into a plea, and Hermione was angry with herself for it. She had meant to force it out of him. Pleas would have no effect. To her surprise and pleasure, this one did.
“Fine! You want to know what’s bothering me? It’s something so stupid and trivial, considering the situation in the world right now, that I’m even more bothered that it’s bothering me.” He stared down at the table and muttered, “I fancy this girl. And I know nothing can come of it.”
Hermione was speechless. She felt the breath go out of her in a great gasp, leaving a physical void inside of her. Harry wanted someone else. Her head was spinning and she felt dizzy. She’d been all set to confide her feelings for Harry after he unburdened himself to her, and he wanted someone else. It felt like it took all of her strength to ask the inevitable question.
“Who is she?”
Harry just shook his head miserably.“I’m not going to tell you. It wouldn’t make any difference.”
“It might, Harry! Do you have any idea how fanciable you’ve become? Especially since your relationship with Ginny. Just about any girl would be completely smitten if she knew you fancied her. Unless she was a Slytherin, perhaps,” Hermione added as an afterthought. “Oh, Harry! She’s not a Slytherin, is she?”
“Of course not!” he spat defensively. “She’s one of the best people I know, and she’s so smart, and so kind. She’s just wonderful, and it doesn’t matter if she likes me too, I can’t be with her.”
“Harry? I don’t understand. Why can’t you be with her?” It struck Hermione suddenly how strange it was for them to be having this conversation. While she and Harry had talked about almost everything during their friendship, the only girl they’d ever discussed was Cho, and that only because Harry was so clueless she’d taken pity on him. He heaved a sigh.
“Did Ginny ever tell you why I broke up with her?” Hermione shook her head. Ginny had mentioned a few things, enough for Hermione to piece it together, but she’d never come out and said it. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with her anymore. At the time, I wanted to be with her more than anything. It was because we were going to go off on this great Horcrux hunt, and I didn’t want Voldemort to use her to get to me. Our relationship was too close as it was, I didn’t want to get even closer. I was falling in love, and I had to stop it. I didn’t want Voldemort to get to her.”
“Harry, you idiot! Ginny is in no less danger now than she was when the two of you were together! Her whole family is! It’s got nothing to do with you!” At his glare, she amended, “Well, yes, it does, but not like you think. They’re considered blood traitors, you know. They’d have been targeted even if you hadn’t spent the last six summers with them.”
“Okay then. Assuming that’s true-and I’m not saying it is-then this other girl would certainly be in danger for being with me ”
“Oh, Harry. Anyone in this school could be targeted to get to you. You shouldn’t let that stop you from living your life. If you like this girl, you should let her know. It’s eating away at you, can’t you see?” It broke Hermione’s heart to give him that advice, but she wanted so much to see him happy.
“Hermione, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” he said quietly. “And neither would she,” Harry added quickly. “I just can’t.” Pity overwhelmed Hermione. He looked so pathetic.
“Fine, Harry. Whatever you want. I wish you could trust me with this, but I suppose I understand. Now, I’ve got to get back to my homework.” In truth, tears were threatening to pour from her eyes at any moment, and she didn’t want Harry to see them. She looked down and aimlessly shuffled the parchment on the table.
“Bloody hell,” Harry swore softly. Hermione jerked her head up. Harry rarely swore; it must have been even worse than she thought.
“It’s you, Hermione. And you don’t like me that way, and even if you did, we couldn’t do that to Ron and you’re in enough danger as is, I won’t put you in more trouble than you’re already in for being my best friend.” Harry got up quickly and turned to go. Hermione was almost too stunned to move. Almost.
“Wait! Harry! I’m the girl you’ve been talking about?” She grabbed his arm desperately to keep him from running from her. He nodded curtly, staring defiantly at the floor. She almost fainted with happiness, struggling to find the words. Finally, she decided that there weren’t any. She took a step toward him and stood on her toes, kissing his lips softly.
Hermione pulled away almost as quickly as she had initially moved toward him. Now she was the one looking resolutely at the floor. She could feel Harry’s shock radiating off of him-but then, she was already so in tune with his emotions that she couldn’t be certain if the contact had enhanced that or not. She was certain that her lips felt like they’d been branded and she was still a little unstable. No kiss had ever affected her that way.
Harry kept silent and eventually the suspense got the better of her. She looked straight up into his eyes and raised an eyebrow. “Well? Are you going to say anything?” He shook his head. Hermione was floored. He didn’t have anything to say? Was she that terrible a kisser? She opened her mouth to protest but he shook his head again, sharply, and raised a hand to hold her off. What seemed like hours later, but was probably less than five minutes, he spoke.
“Thank you for that, Hermione. And I realize I’m probably insulting you by saying that, but I really mean it.” He paused and ran a hand through his hair nervously, his face full of regret. “Look. What just happened was incredible. Better than I ever imagined it could be, really. But it can’t happen again. I meant what I said before. You and Ron had that thing and so this,” he gestured between them, “would be awkward. And yes, you are in danger from being my friend. But being my girlfriend would make you an even greater target-even more so than Ron-and I couldn’t handle the guilt of that, not to mention the pain if Voldemort were to somehow get a hold of you. Maybe I’m being selfish, but if that kiss was any indication, if we’re...together...I would care about you a thousand times more, because you’d let me. I’d let me and believe me, whatever it looks like, I’m not letting me right now. I can’t go through that. Everyone I care about gets hurt, and the more I care, the more it hurts. I’m sorry, Hermione. I can’t.”
“Harry-“
“No. I can’t. If things were different, then I’d be with you in a heartbeat. But as it is, I can’t. I just can’t. You have to respect that. Please.”
Hermione didn’t say anything. What could she say?
Harry walked away slowly, as if he wasn’t certain he was supposed to be doing it, but he had made up his mind. He walked through the library door and he did not look back.
Hermione blinked away tears-she didn’t want to cry all over the books covering the table. Wiping her eyes, she stood up and put the books and parchment into piles briskly. “Okay,” she said softly. “Okay. He was honest. I was honest. And now I know. And now I can hope. Tomorrow is another day.” Then Hermione, too, left the library. She didn’t look back.
A/N: I'm sorry about the Gone With the Wind line at the end there. I really couldn't resist.