You'll take your crack!fic and like it!
This is what I write after I've touched the back of the Mickey Mouse sticker.
The finished version of this story is here. It contains a couple extra jokes than this version.
The Quest for the Krypt Key
by Laurel (Sailorhathor)
Fandom: Supernatural
Chapters: One-shot
Rating: Rated R for language and adult humor
Dates: Written in two hours in February 2007. And it shows!
Word Count: 2,133
Summary: The Yellow-Eyed Demon hires a familiar character to kill the Winchesters.
Warning: HUMOROUS CHARACTER DEATH! Crack!fic. Complete and total crack!fic. Lots of Jo bashing. Joking hint of Sam/Dean. The Sammy girls might be a little miffed with me too after this one. Sorr-eeeee!
Author's Notes: Written for Marishna's Deathficathon. My prompt was #10: Falling Piano. This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever written, and I used to write stories about Def Leppard and Bon Jovi running around haunted houses when I was 11!
The devil and the Yellow-Eyed Demon went down to Georgia, found nothing of note, and came back to Hell. One day, they were lazing around on red satin pillows, drinking fruity tropical drinks and shooting the shit, when the Yellow-Eyed Demon complained, "Man, I sure wish I could get rid of those Winchesters. They've been a boil on my ass for too long."
"Yeah, boils on the ass. Those are itchy." The Devil grinned over how many boils he could inflict on the asses of a random group of do-gooding nuns.
Yellow-Eyed Demon, who really needed to get a shorter name to type, put on the puppy dog eyes (which was easy, since he was currently possessing a golden retriever) and laid his head on the Devil's shoulder. "Would you help me take care of them? Please, please, pretty pweeeeeease?"
"Well... I do know a guy who'd be perfect for that job..." the Devil mused. "It could be fun. Let me just call him in."
A minute later, a mangy-looking coyote sped in on rocket skates. He wore a necklace with an orange bird's foot hanging from it and nothing else. (Coyotes rarely wear clothes, especially cartoon ones.) The coyote crashed into the wall, flattening against it like a furry pancake. The Yellow-Eyed Demon laughed like a child (which sounded pretty funny coming out of the muzzle of a dog). Once the coyote pulled himself together and dusted himself off, he introduced himself.
"Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. You have a job for me, Mr. Demon?"
The Demon (not the one from that movie called The Demon, but some other demon - wasn't Cameron Mitchell cool?) brightened up with fond recognition. "Aren't you the same coyote who was always trying to kill that damned roadrunner?"
Wile E. played with the orange bird foot hung around his neck. "Killed, Mr. Demon. Killed."
Yellow-Eyed Demon danced on his front paws. "Yay! You got 'im, you got 'im! Good for you!"
The Devil chewed on a piece of fried hellhound with a sigh. "Can we get on with some new deaths, please? I'm growing bored."
Panting happily, Yellow-Eyed Demon said to the coyote, "Yes, I have a job for you, Mr. Coyote. Your targets: Sam and Dean Winchester."
A random Satanic minion poked her head into the picture. "Dunt-dunt dah-daaaaah!" she cried.
*****
Sam awakened that morning from another one of his visions, gasping and holding his head. The noise that he was making awoke Dean. "Sam? Are you okay?"
Making a sour face, Sam replied, "No. I just had a dream vision. They always give me awful headaches, remember?"
"Of course I remember, you moody bitch." Dean sat up and wrapped the covers around himself. While he spoke, he stood and crossed to the window, opening the curtains. Two girls around the age of twenty had their faces pressed up against the glass. They were wearing T-shirts that read "Fangirl." They squee'ed when they saw Dean. "What was the vision about?"
Sam scowled. "It was about Dad. He told me that it might be my destiny to become evil, and that if it happened, I would have to be killed."
Dean started slowly and sexily rubbing the covers over his ass. The Fangirls squealed. "Well, we knew that already."
"I know. I guess Dad just wanted some cheap screentime. Anyway, he went on and on about saving the world from my destiny while swinging a knife at me." Sam got up and flexed in front of the Fangirls. They ignored him, continuing to stare at Dean's ass.
Dean laughed. "Oh, Dad always was so playful like that, wasn't he? Remember when he taught you to change your own diapers?"
Sam scowled again. "I try not to."
"I thought you were in the 'Dad was so cool' camp now?" Dean turned around and put on an expression of ecstasy, licking his big dick-sucking lips and stroking his chest.
The Fangirls swooned.
Shrugging, Sam looked sad (or maybe constipated). "I am..."
"You're not acting like it. You really are a moody guy, aren't you?" Dean reached out and touched Sam's arm very lightly. The Fangirls went crazy, jumping up against the window and yelling words of encouragement. "Why don't you just chill out, bro?"
"I don't feel like it," Sam said, looking down at the floor sadly.
The Fangirls went, "Awwww..." and pouted, mooning over him.
Sam grinned.
Dean just shrugged it off. Or rather, he shrugged the sheet off, revealing he was butt nekkid. The Fangirls screamed and lost all ability to be coherent. "It's cool, Sammy. I bet it was just a dream."
Suddenly, Dean tripped over his own dick and fell on top of Sam on the bed. "Oh, excuse me." He tried to get up, but had a lot of trouble with it. He and Sammy rolled all over each other on the bed, each trying to disentangle himself from the other. They made sex noises and apologized a lot. The Fangirls looked like they might pop a vein in reaction.
"Dean, just put your feet on the floor and stand up. Mmmmm!" Sam moaned.
"I'm trying, dude. Oooooh. Maybe this will help." He humped Sam's hip profusely.
"Nnnnno, that doesn't seem to be working..."
The door to the hotel room burst open and in ran Jo Harvelle. The Fangirls booed. She looked around the room, which was made to look like the set of "Sesame Street."
"This is the weirdest room you guys have had yet," Jo commented. "I don't even want to know what you wanted this room for."
Dean stood up. "Oh. Hey, Jo."
Jo's eyes widened. "Now I see. Snuffleupagus!"
Not knowing whether Jo wanted him or found him disgusting this week, Dean started to get dressed. The Fangirls made sounds of disappointment. "What are you doing here, Jo?"
She struck a badass pose. "I'm a hunter, remember? I'm on a case, and I need your help."
Dean just scoffed. "You're a hunter, sure. I keep forgetting what a freak you are," he said sarcastically.
"I am a freak." To prove it, Jo added, "I have a KNIFE collection."
"Pfft." Dean rolled his eyes. "Start collecting Furbies that you dress up in army uniforms and tutus and THEN ask me if you're a freak."
She sighed. "Do you want to help me with this case or not?"
"What's it all about?" Sam asked. He saw Jo and Dean looking at him. "I haven't had a line for a while."
"There is a legend of a magickal item that can save the world from the Evil Sammich. It is called the Krypt Key," Jo explained. "I'm trying to find it."
"How do we find this thing?" asked Dean.
"The legend says it is hidden away in the body of a geeky television writer with a head shaped like a pear," she said.
"Wow... that won't be easy to find," lamented Sam. "But if it can save the world, we should help Jo look for it."
Dean looked down at Sam, sitting on the edge of the bed, and they locked eyes. "You think if you can find this thing, it will change your destiny."
Sam nodded back. "What if it's my salvation, Dean?"
They just looked at each other meaningfully. A sign popped up from behind the bed that read, "Woobie Brother Bonding Moment!"
The Fangirls cooed.
"Alright. We'll help Jo find the Krypt Key. But first, you should probably get out of your Scooby Doo footie pajamas."
Sam whined. "I don't feel like it!"
*****
Jo shared her meticulously stapled file on what she knew about the Krypt Key. "Wow, Jo... this is some pretty impressive stapling. Did Ash do this?" Dean asked.
"No!" Jo suddenly kicked his ass, something she had never done before and would probably never do again. "I did it! I did the badass stapling!"
Dean got back up, wiping blood from orifices only the Fangirls knew he had. "Okay, okay, sheesh. We shouldn't have any problem finding the thing with all this information. Good job, I guess."
"You guess?" Jo gave him a wedgie.
"Wow are you an inconsistent character. At least I'm always a horny pig!"
Dean, Sam, and Jo stepped out onto the pavement in front of the hotel's front door, unaware that Wile E. Coyote had set a trap for them. Hundreds of feet above hung a large grand piano, suspended from a rope. It was one of the coyote's favorite methods of murder. It was how he had finally gotten that damn roadrunner.
When he saw Sam, Dean, and Jo emerge from the hotel, he frantically began cutting the rope. "They'll never see this coming. I'm such a geeeenius."
Jo was too busy kicking Dean in the shins to notice the falling piano. Sam couldn't have seen it even if he looked up because of his Benji bangs hanging in his eyes.
"Will you stop kicking me, you canon Mary Sue?!" Dean moved to one side. "I'm just going to stand over here for a while."
"But I suddenly like you again." Jo cuddled up to him, being a dick tease.
Dean heard a cartoonish, high-pitched whistle. "What is that?" He was the only one to look up.
The piano barreled down through the sky. Sam was standing right under it.
"NO!" screamed Dean. Everything began to move in slow motion. Even the Fangirls, who looked on and gasped. "Saaaaaam, looooook ooooooout!"
Sam looked up, but couldn't see anything because of those aforementioned emo!bangs. "Whaaaaat?"
Hoping to cushion the impact even a little, Dean picked up Jo and threw her in the way of the falling piano. SQUISH! With a sound like a hundred mullet rock guitarists falling off a bridge, the piano landed on Jo and Sam. TWAAAANG!
The Fangirls screamed. "No! Sammy! And YAY, Jo was crushed!"
Dean ran to his brother's side. He tried to push the piano off Sam's squashed body, but it was too heavy to move. Dean shoved some blood-soaked blonde hair off Sam's chest (where did that come from? oh who cares) and cradled his brother's head on his lap. He choked back tears. "Sam... Sammy... hold on. Just hold on. Help is on the way. Oh yeah, maybe I better call 911..."
"It's no use, Dean," choked Sam. He spit up some blood. The Fangirls started to weep. "I'm a goner."
"Don't talk like that! Winchesters never say die!"
"That's the Goonies, Dean..."
"Oh, yeah. Well Winchesters don't die, man."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Mom and Dad are both dead. Granny Winchester keeled over just last week. And Dad's sister - "
"Just shut up, dude. You're going to survive this! Just hold on until help gets here, okay?" Dean's bottom lip quivered ever so slightly.
The Fangirls squealed. "He's wibbling!"
"Dean... I love you, man..." Sam said. His eyelids fluttered.
"Don't do that, Sam! Don't you leave me! You're all I've got left." Dean began to cry.
The Fangirls went into a tailspin.
"I'm sorry, Dean. But at least we don't have to worry about my evil destiny anymore. Goodbye, brother."
Dean shook Sam hard. "Don't you leave me! Live, damn it, liiiiiive!"
With a final sputtering cough, Sam uttered, "I don't feel like it," and died.
*****
In the aftermath, Dean thought he saw a mangy coyote running away from the scene. The finding of that coyote would be his new mission in life. That and retrieving the Krypt Key. Couldn't forget that. Oh, and tracking down the Yellow-Eyed Demon.
"I've got some work to do," Dean said to himself as he stood across the street from where the paramedics were scraping Sammy and some sort of odd blonde-haired residue off the cement. As he struck a badass pose, he turned to the Fangirls. "Did you hear that throwback ref to the pilot, girls?"
They all squealed. "Of course we did!"
He did that cute thing where he wiped at his eye with the back of his hand just for good measure. Then Dean pivoted around and headed for the Impala, stalking along with a sudden wind blowing at his clothes, making him look cool as shit. "All these years, and we never did it... that never made sense... and now it's too late. When I find the Krypt Key, I'm going to beat the shit out of him for never letting me hug my brother."
The Fangirls clapped and hooted.
For no apparent reason, Dean drove the Impala up on top of a hill, got out, and stood up there, looking out over the city with an intense, hotass expression. "I will avenge your death, Sammy. ... And Dad's. ... And Mom's. ... And Jess's. Damn, am I going to be busy."
The End
This plot made no sense! Tell the people!
The finished version of this story is here. It contains a couple extra jokes than this version.
The Quest for the Krypt Key
by Laurel (Sailorhathor)
Fandom: Supernatural
Chapters: One-shot
Rating: Rated R for language and adult humor
Dates: Written in two hours in February 2007. And it shows!
Word Count: 2,133
Summary: The Yellow-Eyed Demon hires a familiar character to kill the Winchesters.
Warning: HUMOROUS CHARACTER DEATH! Crack!fic. Complete and total crack!fic. Lots of Jo bashing. Joking hint of Sam/Dean. The Sammy girls might be a little miffed with me too after this one. Sorr-eeeee!
Author's Notes: Written for Marishna's Deathficathon. My prompt was #10: Falling Piano. This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever written, and I used to write stories about Def Leppard and Bon Jovi running around haunted houses when I was 11!
The devil and the Yellow-Eyed Demon went down to Georgia, found nothing of note, and came back to Hell. One day, they were lazing around on red satin pillows, drinking fruity tropical drinks and shooting the shit, when the Yellow-Eyed Demon complained, "Man, I sure wish I could get rid of those Winchesters. They've been a boil on my ass for too long."
"Yeah, boils on the ass. Those are itchy." The Devil grinned over how many boils he could inflict on the asses of a random group of do-gooding nuns.
Yellow-Eyed Demon, who really needed to get a shorter name to type, put on the puppy dog eyes (which was easy, since he was currently possessing a golden retriever) and laid his head on the Devil's shoulder. "Would you help me take care of them? Please, please, pretty pweeeeeease?"
"Well... I do know a guy who'd be perfect for that job..." the Devil mused. "It could be fun. Let me just call him in."
A minute later, a mangy-looking coyote sped in on rocket skates. He wore a necklace with an orange bird's foot hanging from it and nothing else. (Coyotes rarely wear clothes, especially cartoon ones.) The coyote crashed into the wall, flattening against it like a furry pancake. The Yellow-Eyed Demon laughed like a child (which sounded pretty funny coming out of the muzzle of a dog). Once the coyote pulled himself together and dusted himself off, he introduced himself.
"Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. You have a job for me, Mr. Demon?"
The Demon (not the one from that movie called The Demon, but some other demon - wasn't Cameron Mitchell cool?) brightened up with fond recognition. "Aren't you the same coyote who was always trying to kill that damned roadrunner?"
Wile E. played with the orange bird foot hung around his neck. "Killed, Mr. Demon. Killed."
Yellow-Eyed Demon danced on his front paws. "Yay! You got 'im, you got 'im! Good for you!"
The Devil chewed on a piece of fried hellhound with a sigh. "Can we get on with some new deaths, please? I'm growing bored."
Panting happily, Yellow-Eyed Demon said to the coyote, "Yes, I have a job for you, Mr. Coyote. Your targets: Sam and Dean Winchester."
A random Satanic minion poked her head into the picture. "Dunt-dunt dah-daaaaah!" she cried.
*****
Sam awakened that morning from another one of his visions, gasping and holding his head. The noise that he was making awoke Dean. "Sam? Are you okay?"
Making a sour face, Sam replied, "No. I just had a dream vision. They always give me awful headaches, remember?"
"Of course I remember, you moody bitch." Dean sat up and wrapped the covers around himself. While he spoke, he stood and crossed to the window, opening the curtains. Two girls around the age of twenty had their faces pressed up against the glass. They were wearing T-shirts that read "Fangirl." They squee'ed when they saw Dean. "What was the vision about?"
Sam scowled. "It was about Dad. He told me that it might be my destiny to become evil, and that if it happened, I would have to be killed."
Dean started slowly and sexily rubbing the covers over his ass. The Fangirls squealed. "Well, we knew that already."
"I know. I guess Dad just wanted some cheap screentime. Anyway, he went on and on about saving the world from my destiny while swinging a knife at me." Sam got up and flexed in front of the Fangirls. They ignored him, continuing to stare at Dean's ass.
Dean laughed. "Oh, Dad always was so playful like that, wasn't he? Remember when he taught you to change your own diapers?"
Sam scowled again. "I try not to."
"I thought you were in the 'Dad was so cool' camp now?" Dean turned around and put on an expression of ecstasy, licking his big dick-sucking lips and stroking his chest.
The Fangirls swooned.
Shrugging, Sam looked sad (or maybe constipated). "I am..."
"You're not acting like it. You really are a moody guy, aren't you?" Dean reached out and touched Sam's arm very lightly. The Fangirls went crazy, jumping up against the window and yelling words of encouragement. "Why don't you just chill out, bro?"
"I don't feel like it," Sam said, looking down at the floor sadly.
The Fangirls went, "Awwww..." and pouted, mooning over him.
Sam grinned.
Dean just shrugged it off. Or rather, he shrugged the sheet off, revealing he was butt nekkid. The Fangirls screamed and lost all ability to be coherent. "It's cool, Sammy. I bet it was just a dream."
Suddenly, Dean tripped over his own dick and fell on top of Sam on the bed. "Oh, excuse me." He tried to get up, but had a lot of trouble with it. He and Sammy rolled all over each other on the bed, each trying to disentangle himself from the other. They made sex noises and apologized a lot. The Fangirls looked like they might pop a vein in reaction.
"Dean, just put your feet on the floor and stand up. Mmmmm!" Sam moaned.
"I'm trying, dude. Oooooh. Maybe this will help." He humped Sam's hip profusely.
"Nnnnno, that doesn't seem to be working..."
The door to the hotel room burst open and in ran Jo Harvelle. The Fangirls booed. She looked around the room, which was made to look like the set of "Sesame Street."
"This is the weirdest room you guys have had yet," Jo commented. "I don't even want to know what you wanted this room for."
Dean stood up. "Oh. Hey, Jo."
Jo's eyes widened. "Now I see. Snuffleupagus!"
Not knowing whether Jo wanted him or found him disgusting this week, Dean started to get dressed. The Fangirls made sounds of disappointment. "What are you doing here, Jo?"
She struck a badass pose. "I'm a hunter, remember? I'm on a case, and I need your help."
Dean just scoffed. "You're a hunter, sure. I keep forgetting what a freak you are," he said sarcastically.
"I am a freak." To prove it, Jo added, "I have a KNIFE collection."
"Pfft." Dean rolled his eyes. "Start collecting Furbies that you dress up in army uniforms and tutus and THEN ask me if you're a freak."
She sighed. "Do you want to help me with this case or not?"
"What's it all about?" Sam asked. He saw Jo and Dean looking at him. "I haven't had a line for a while."
"There is a legend of a magickal item that can save the world from the Evil Sammich. It is called the Krypt Key," Jo explained. "I'm trying to find it."
"How do we find this thing?" asked Dean.
"The legend says it is hidden away in the body of a geeky television writer with a head shaped like a pear," she said.
"Wow... that won't be easy to find," lamented Sam. "But if it can save the world, we should help Jo look for it."
Dean looked down at Sam, sitting on the edge of the bed, and they locked eyes. "You think if you can find this thing, it will change your destiny."
Sam nodded back. "What if it's my salvation, Dean?"
They just looked at each other meaningfully. A sign popped up from behind the bed that read, "Woobie Brother Bonding Moment!"
The Fangirls cooed.
"Alright. We'll help Jo find the Krypt Key. But first, you should probably get out of your Scooby Doo footie pajamas."
Sam whined. "I don't feel like it!"
*****
Jo shared her meticulously stapled file on what she knew about the Krypt Key. "Wow, Jo... this is some pretty impressive stapling. Did Ash do this?" Dean asked.
"No!" Jo suddenly kicked his ass, something she had never done before and would probably never do again. "I did it! I did the badass stapling!"
Dean got back up, wiping blood from orifices only the Fangirls knew he had. "Okay, okay, sheesh. We shouldn't have any problem finding the thing with all this information. Good job, I guess."
"You guess?" Jo gave him a wedgie.
"Wow are you an inconsistent character. At least I'm always a horny pig!"
Dean, Sam, and Jo stepped out onto the pavement in front of the hotel's front door, unaware that Wile E. Coyote had set a trap for them. Hundreds of feet above hung a large grand piano, suspended from a rope. It was one of the coyote's favorite methods of murder. It was how he had finally gotten that damn roadrunner.
When he saw Sam, Dean, and Jo emerge from the hotel, he frantically began cutting the rope. "They'll never see this coming. I'm such a geeeenius."
Jo was too busy kicking Dean in the shins to notice the falling piano. Sam couldn't have seen it even if he looked up because of his Benji bangs hanging in his eyes.
"Will you stop kicking me, you canon Mary Sue?!" Dean moved to one side. "I'm just going to stand over here for a while."
"But I suddenly like you again." Jo cuddled up to him, being a dick tease.
Dean heard a cartoonish, high-pitched whistle. "What is that?" He was the only one to look up.
The piano barreled down through the sky. Sam was standing right under it.
"NO!" screamed Dean. Everything began to move in slow motion. Even the Fangirls, who looked on and gasped. "Saaaaaam, looooook ooooooout!"
Sam looked up, but couldn't see anything because of those aforementioned emo!bangs. "Whaaaaat?"
Hoping to cushion the impact even a little, Dean picked up Jo and threw her in the way of the falling piano. SQUISH! With a sound like a hundred mullet rock guitarists falling off a bridge, the piano landed on Jo and Sam. TWAAAANG!
The Fangirls screamed. "No! Sammy! And YAY, Jo was crushed!"
Dean ran to his brother's side. He tried to push the piano off Sam's squashed body, but it was too heavy to move. Dean shoved some blood-soaked blonde hair off Sam's chest (where did that come from? oh who cares) and cradled his brother's head on his lap. He choked back tears. "Sam... Sammy... hold on. Just hold on. Help is on the way. Oh yeah, maybe I better call 911..."
"It's no use, Dean," choked Sam. He spit up some blood. The Fangirls started to weep. "I'm a goner."
"Don't talk like that! Winchesters never say die!"
"That's the Goonies, Dean..."
"Oh, yeah. Well Winchesters don't die, man."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Mom and Dad are both dead. Granny Winchester keeled over just last week. And Dad's sister - "
"Just shut up, dude. You're going to survive this! Just hold on until help gets here, okay?" Dean's bottom lip quivered ever so slightly.
The Fangirls squealed. "He's wibbling!"
"Dean... I love you, man..." Sam said. His eyelids fluttered.
"Don't do that, Sam! Don't you leave me! You're all I've got left." Dean began to cry.
The Fangirls went into a tailspin.
"I'm sorry, Dean. But at least we don't have to worry about my evil destiny anymore. Goodbye, brother."
Dean shook Sam hard. "Don't you leave me! Live, damn it, liiiiiive!"
With a final sputtering cough, Sam uttered, "I don't feel like it," and died.
*****
In the aftermath, Dean thought he saw a mangy coyote running away from the scene. The finding of that coyote would be his new mission in life. That and retrieving the Krypt Key. Couldn't forget that. Oh, and tracking down the Yellow-Eyed Demon.
"I've got some work to do," Dean said to himself as he stood across the street from where the paramedics were scraping Sammy and some sort of odd blonde-haired residue off the cement. As he struck a badass pose, he turned to the Fangirls. "Did you hear that throwback ref to the pilot, girls?"
They all squealed. "Of course we did!"
He did that cute thing where he wiped at his eye with the back of his hand just for good measure. Then Dean pivoted around and headed for the Impala, stalking along with a sudden wind blowing at his clothes, making him look cool as shit. "All these years, and we never did it... that never made sense... and now it's too late. When I find the Krypt Key, I'm going to beat the shit out of him for never letting me hug my brother."
The Fangirls clapped and hooted.
For no apparent reason, Dean drove the Impala up on top of a hill, got out, and stood up there, looking out over the city with an intense, hotass expression. "I will avenge your death, Sammy. ... And Dad's. ... And Mom's. ... And Jess's. Damn, am I going to be busy."
The End
This plot made no sense! Tell the people!