Growing up gay part # 2 Coming Out
I spoke, as requested, about how to create a gay-positive atmosphere to support kids and teens growing up who may be gay. This is always a big thing for me because I think that gay kids and teens are incredibly vulnerable
The next part (also requested) is naturally, what to do when someone comes out to you as gay.
Firstly I’d say go to the inestimable Plaid Adder’s site and look for her extremely good guide on a Straight person’s Guide to Gay Etiquette. It is both funny and informative
I will not repeat it here because most of what is covered there is just so universally useful. I will, however, add things from my own experience and thoughts. I also won’t talk about the “experienced outcomer” since Plaid Adder covers it AND if someone like me is coming out to you then there’s little need to protect or shelter me and we’re generally tough enough to deal with the badness out there. However, I WILL say do NOT assume someone is experienced just by their age. There are 19 year olds out there who have been out to all and sundry for years just as there are 70 year olds who are just now cracking the closet door. I would say assume your outcomer is inexperienced unless it is obvious they are not.
Preamble aside:
The overriding rule, I think is: Be positive
Don’t be fake and ridiculous. You don’t need to do the “YAY HOMO!” dance. You don’t have to call in cheerleaders. You don’t have to act like you’ve just won the lottery. BUT this is a positive thing. This is a good thing. This is time to make it abundantly clear that you are happy and wonderful.
Any doubts you have about homosexuality? Yeah NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Any concerns you have about homophobia? NOT NOW! Worried that your child will now never give you a grandchild - SHUT UP AND DEAL. NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Seriously, I can’t emphasise this enough. There can be no negative here - NOT NOW. No matter how important you think it is, or how much it matters this is NOT THE TIME. You need to be sincerely happy, supportive and positive without a single HINT of a reservation.
Is this hard? Well it’s nothing compared to what that gay person is going through coming out to you. When a gay person comes out to you (especially an inexperienced one) they are incredibly vulnerable, afraid, worried and putting their heart and mental well being in your hands because they value you enough that they need you to know. That is a huge responsibility and a massive complement. It is an immense gesture of trust and friendship. Treat it with the respect and honour it deserves.
REMEMBER: When a gay person is coming out, especially if they’re only just coming out, calm, logical, coldly objective thought is NOT HAPPENING. They are likely thinking of the 101 horrible things that can go wrong here. No matter how obviously pro-gay you think you are, the poor gay person coming out is going to be horribly thinking of the worst. And it’s not always unjustified - the first person I came out to was my best friend - we grew up together, I never imagined he’d be hostile. And he responded by planting his fist on my jaw. I repeat - that outcomer is worried and half expecting a hostile, negative reaction. Don’t feed that, don’t imply even slightly that being gay is a bad thing. Don’t make them think you’re smiling to be polite while internally you are screaming “save me Jesus from the evil homo!”
That’s the main point, I think - but there are some important don’ts growing from that.
DON’T:
Talk about homophobia. Positive, remember? Even if you want to shout out that you’ll be there with them defending them against all and sundry. This is not the time to remind the outcomer that there are no small number of people who want them dead. ESPECIALLY if you’re going to say something like “I wish you weren’t gay, you’re going to be harrassed by arseholes” because you are suggesting being gay is a BAD THING (not rational thinking mode, remember?) By all means talk about homophobia LATER and make it clear you’ve got their back - but not now.
Be dismissive. Sure it may seem great to take the pressure off by saying “It doesn’t matter” it does matter very much to gay people. Don’t deflate one of the biggest moments of their lives (if anything you’re showing how very much you do not get it). Do not try to change the subject or move on quickly. Sure, you may think you’re normalising the experience and acting like being gay is normal and mundane - but what it sounds like is you’re trying to AVOID the subject.
Ask personal questions. Questions are good. Asking about their sex life etc isn’t. Unless you have that kind of very close relationship, the chances are if they’re only just getting round to telling people they’re gay, they’re not ready to discuss the nitty gritty of their romantic, emotional and sexual lives. Sure, do it later - enjoy some eye candy together if possible :). But not now. Now will just make a hard, awkward moment into a hard, awkward and embarrassing moment.
Ask “who knows/who can I tell.” The first isn’t your business and can look like pressure to tell certain people. The second answer is “no-one.” No. Really. They get to choose who knows and who doesn’t and they get to do the coming out. Not you. You do not out someone. Ever (I realise there is some political debate about outing closeted homophobic politicians which is another issue. Regardless - if you’re STRAIGHT then I don’t think even that possible opt out applies). This is a part of their life that they need to control.
Say you already know. Even if you do. Plaid Adder says this very well, but like the above, the gay person needs to feel in control over this. Don’t act ridiculously shocked, especially if you aren’t - but they need at least the illusion that this is under their control. Considering the hate and the violence out there, that’s not exactly surprising.
Tell them you’ll keep their secret. Ooooh, that surprised you didn’t it? :) This is complicated - but if someone says “I’m gay” and your response is “I won’t tell anyone” then you’re making it pretty obvious that you think they should keep is hidden and you regard it as having being let in to some big dark secret. That’s not positive! That’s not affirming! Positive positive positive guys! Sure, if they ask you reassure them, even make it clear you won’t tell anyone without their consent - but it’s not a big shameful secret or an inconvenient skeleton to push into the closet
Bring up a stereotype. Not even if you think it’s funny. If your response to the words “I’m a lesbian” is “hey you can help me put up shelves then!” or to “I’m gay” is “great, I need someone to go shopping with!” then please stop and rethink. Stereotypes are damaging. Even if you think that you’re diffusing the situation and using humour to make it clear you're fine - trying to force your friend into a narrow stereotyped box doesn’t help. You are telling them they have to act a certain way in order to be gay (my previous point about ‘doing it wrong‘ applies). You are telling them you expect them to change now you know they’re gay. You are telling them your relationship will change and you will treat them differently now you know they’re gay. Don’t - they’re the same person they always have been. You just know more about them now
It’s not about you. REALLY not
Some people need reminding about this so much it hurts. Some people are so stuck in their own lives that they can even make a friend coming out all about them. So let’s address this for the sake of the poor GBLTs out there who need one of the biggest and hardest moments of their lives to be about them:
“But I believe homosexuality is wrong! My religion/religious leader/politician/invisible pink unicorn says so!”
First of all - grow up and do some thinking and stop absorbing the dogma of hate - but that‘s another post.
Secondly - your friend needs you. Your friend is so fragile, so vulnerable right now - what you do now can leaves scars on them that can last for years, if not the rest of their lives. If, later, when they‘re stronger and more secure, you feel the need to distance yourself from them or even give them extremely unwanted and unhelpful lectures then that’s your business - they’re probably better off without you, to be honest. BUT, if you have even the slightest shred of humanity in you then you will NOT do this when an inexperienced, fragile gay person is coming out to you. Seriously, don’t, because that is evil.
Why did they keep this secret from me? Don‘t they love me/trust me/do they think I‘m a bigot?
Unless you are or have been a closeted gay person you do not even begin to understand what it’s like. You do not understand the fear, the pain, the agony of self-realisation. Believe me when I say they had damn good reason. Do not make this beautiful act of trust about your hurt fee-fees.
But anal sex is yucky!
Are they bending you over against a wall and reaching for the lube? No? Then why the hell is your opinion on anal sex - or any perceived “gay” sex (and, really, you need to widen your horizons a little) even remotely relevant here?!
For parents: But I want grandchildren!
Firstly, being gay doesn’t mean childless. Secondly are you willing to crush your child’s emotional well being and leave mental scars that will take years to fade is ever because you want a baby to dandle on your knee? You’re a parent - if your child is coming out to you then this is most certainly a time to show that UNCONDITIONAL and UNRESERVED love that a parent is supposed to show a child because you, more than anyone else in the whole world, have the power to rip out that kid’s heart. Don’t. Please. Don’t.
For Parents: “It’s because I didn’t breast feed/was working too much/let her play with action man!”
Firstly: No-one is 100% sure what causes being gay, but there are more studies pointing to homosexuality being inherent than there are about left or right handedness.
Secondly: It doesn’t matter WHY your child is gay - you child is gay. Now. And that’s not going to change.
Thirdly: If you’re looking for something to blame, you’re implying being gay is a bad thing. Don’t do that to them. You have the potential to do more damage to them than anyone else in the world. Don’t.
I can’t think of anything else right now. But I know a lot of GBLT people read my journal - anything else to add? :)
ETA: linkies fixed
The next part (also requested) is naturally, what to do when someone comes out to you as gay.
Firstly I’d say go to the inestimable Plaid Adder’s site and look for her extremely good guide on a Straight person’s Guide to Gay Etiquette. It is both funny and informative
I will not repeat it here because most of what is covered there is just so universally useful. I will, however, add things from my own experience and thoughts. I also won’t talk about the “experienced outcomer” since Plaid Adder covers it AND if someone like me is coming out to you then there’s little need to protect or shelter me and we’re generally tough enough to deal with the badness out there. However, I WILL say do NOT assume someone is experienced just by their age. There are 19 year olds out there who have been out to all and sundry for years just as there are 70 year olds who are just now cracking the closet door. I would say assume your outcomer is inexperienced unless it is obvious they are not.
Preamble aside:
The overriding rule, I think is: Be positive
Don’t be fake and ridiculous. You don’t need to do the “YAY HOMO!” dance. You don’t have to call in cheerleaders. You don’t have to act like you’ve just won the lottery. BUT this is a positive thing. This is a good thing. This is time to make it abundantly clear that you are happy and wonderful.
Any doubts you have about homosexuality? Yeah NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Any concerns you have about homophobia? NOT NOW! Worried that your child will now never give you a grandchild - SHUT UP AND DEAL. NOW IS NOT THE TIME. Seriously, I can’t emphasise this enough. There can be no negative here - NOT NOW. No matter how important you think it is, or how much it matters this is NOT THE TIME. You need to be sincerely happy, supportive and positive without a single HINT of a reservation.
Is this hard? Well it’s nothing compared to what that gay person is going through coming out to you. When a gay person comes out to you (especially an inexperienced one) they are incredibly vulnerable, afraid, worried and putting their heart and mental well being in your hands because they value you enough that they need you to know. That is a huge responsibility and a massive complement. It is an immense gesture of trust and friendship. Treat it with the respect and honour it deserves.
REMEMBER: When a gay person is coming out, especially if they’re only just coming out, calm, logical, coldly objective thought is NOT HAPPENING. They are likely thinking of the 101 horrible things that can go wrong here. No matter how obviously pro-gay you think you are, the poor gay person coming out is going to be horribly thinking of the worst. And it’s not always unjustified - the first person I came out to was my best friend - we grew up together, I never imagined he’d be hostile. And he responded by planting his fist on my jaw. I repeat - that outcomer is worried and half expecting a hostile, negative reaction. Don’t feed that, don’t imply even slightly that being gay is a bad thing. Don’t make them think you’re smiling to be polite while internally you are screaming “save me Jesus from the evil homo!”
That’s the main point, I think - but there are some important don’ts growing from that.
DON’T:
Talk about homophobia. Positive, remember? Even if you want to shout out that you’ll be there with them defending them against all and sundry. This is not the time to remind the outcomer that there are no small number of people who want them dead. ESPECIALLY if you’re going to say something like “I wish you weren’t gay, you’re going to be harrassed by arseholes” because you are suggesting being gay is a BAD THING (not rational thinking mode, remember?) By all means talk about homophobia LATER and make it clear you’ve got their back - but not now.
Be dismissive. Sure it may seem great to take the pressure off by saying “It doesn’t matter” it does matter very much to gay people. Don’t deflate one of the biggest moments of their lives (if anything you’re showing how very much you do not get it). Do not try to change the subject or move on quickly. Sure, you may think you’re normalising the experience and acting like being gay is normal and mundane - but what it sounds like is you’re trying to AVOID the subject.
Ask personal questions. Questions are good. Asking about their sex life etc isn’t. Unless you have that kind of very close relationship, the chances are if they’re only just getting round to telling people they’re gay, they’re not ready to discuss the nitty gritty of their romantic, emotional and sexual lives. Sure, do it later - enjoy some eye candy together if possible :). But not now. Now will just make a hard, awkward moment into a hard, awkward and embarrassing moment.
Ask “who knows/who can I tell.” The first isn’t your business and can look like pressure to tell certain people. The second answer is “no-one.” No. Really. They get to choose who knows and who doesn’t and they get to do the coming out. Not you. You do not out someone. Ever (I realise there is some political debate about outing closeted homophobic politicians which is another issue. Regardless - if you’re STRAIGHT then I don’t think even that possible opt out applies). This is a part of their life that they need to control.
Say you already know. Even if you do. Plaid Adder says this very well, but like the above, the gay person needs to feel in control over this. Don’t act ridiculously shocked, especially if you aren’t - but they need at least the illusion that this is under their control. Considering the hate and the violence out there, that’s not exactly surprising.
Tell them you’ll keep their secret. Ooooh, that surprised you didn’t it? :) This is complicated - but if someone says “I’m gay” and your response is “I won’t tell anyone” then you’re making it pretty obvious that you think they should keep is hidden and you regard it as having being let in to some big dark secret. That’s not positive! That’s not affirming! Positive positive positive guys! Sure, if they ask you reassure them, even make it clear you won’t tell anyone without their consent - but it’s not a big shameful secret or an inconvenient skeleton to push into the closet
Bring up a stereotype. Not even if you think it’s funny. If your response to the words “I’m a lesbian” is “hey you can help me put up shelves then!” or to “I’m gay” is “great, I need someone to go shopping with!” then please stop and rethink. Stereotypes are damaging. Even if you think that you’re diffusing the situation and using humour to make it clear you're fine - trying to force your friend into a narrow stereotyped box doesn’t help. You are telling them they have to act a certain way in order to be gay (my previous point about ‘doing it wrong‘ applies). You are telling them you expect them to change now you know they’re gay. You are telling them your relationship will change and you will treat them differently now you know they’re gay. Don’t - they’re the same person they always have been. You just know more about them now
It’s not about you. REALLY not
Some people need reminding about this so much it hurts. Some people are so stuck in their own lives that they can even make a friend coming out all about them. So let’s address this for the sake of the poor GBLTs out there who need one of the biggest and hardest moments of their lives to be about them:
“But I believe homosexuality is wrong! My religion/religious leader/politician/invisible pink unicorn says so!”
First of all - grow up and do some thinking and stop absorbing the dogma of hate - but that‘s another post.
Secondly - your friend needs you. Your friend is so fragile, so vulnerable right now - what you do now can leaves scars on them that can last for years, if not the rest of their lives. If, later, when they‘re stronger and more secure, you feel the need to distance yourself from them or even give them extremely unwanted and unhelpful lectures then that’s your business - they’re probably better off without you, to be honest. BUT, if you have even the slightest shred of humanity in you then you will NOT do this when an inexperienced, fragile gay person is coming out to you. Seriously, don’t, because that is evil.
Why did they keep this secret from me? Don‘t they love me/trust me/do they think I‘m a bigot?
Unless you are or have been a closeted gay person you do not even begin to understand what it’s like. You do not understand the fear, the pain, the agony of self-realisation. Believe me when I say they had damn good reason. Do not make this beautiful act of trust about your hurt fee-fees.
But anal sex is yucky!
Are they bending you over against a wall and reaching for the lube? No? Then why the hell is your opinion on anal sex - or any perceived “gay” sex (and, really, you need to widen your horizons a little) even remotely relevant here?!
For parents: But I want grandchildren!
Firstly, being gay doesn’t mean childless. Secondly are you willing to crush your child’s emotional well being and leave mental scars that will take years to fade is ever because you want a baby to dandle on your knee? You’re a parent - if your child is coming out to you then this is most certainly a time to show that UNCONDITIONAL and UNRESERVED love that a parent is supposed to show a child because you, more than anyone else in the whole world, have the power to rip out that kid’s heart. Don’t. Please. Don’t.
For Parents: “It’s because I didn’t breast feed/was working too much/let her play with action man!”
Firstly: No-one is 100% sure what causes being gay, but there are more studies pointing to homosexuality being inherent than there are about left or right handedness.
Secondly: It doesn’t matter WHY your child is gay - you child is gay. Now. And that’s not going to change.
Thirdly: If you’re looking for something to blame, you’re implying being gay is a bad thing. Don’t do that to them. You have the potential to do more damage to them than anyone else in the world. Don’t.
I can’t think of anything else right now. But I know a lot of GBLT people read my journal - anything else to add? :)
ETA: linkies fixed