"This Ruined Puzzle"
Part: 13/?
Pairing: Derek/Addison
Rating: R
Authors: Hannah & Sarah.
Description: Derek decides to fight for his marriage. Set Season 2.
Summary: Individual therapy and a night out with the friends.
Disclaimer: Not ours.
A/N: Hi! We are still writing this, shocking right? While we apologize for the delays in turnaround, you should know it's because it's not the holidays anymore. First, we are both back at school, and second, you cannot be in a good mood to write this. At all. Ever. So here Addison is kind of still reeling from her discovery, and Derek. He's just being Derek. We hope you enjoy it. And we promise to try and get the next chapter out before next Christmas!
~~~~~~~~~~~
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me in front of our friends.
...
My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations
And I know that I should let go
But I can't
And every time we fight I know it's not right
Every time that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget
But I can't
- Kate Nash, "Foundations"
~~~~~~~~~~~
The answering machine flashes as Addison creeps in the door at ten to two. She considers pushing the button for a second as she shrugs off her coat hanging it on the same peg she always does, but her brain automatically tells her it might wake Derek. She scoffs at herself as she slips off her pumps, jamming her index finger into the button with force causing it to bleep to life. He certainly isn’t home because he‘s quickly reverted back to sleeping on the lumpy hospital beds. But then again, he’s probably heard she’s been staying at the hospital a lot this week too so he could just be asleep in the guest bed so they aren’t forced to share the same air space for more than an hour at a time.
The voice of Dr. Klein reverberates through the hallway as Addison runs a hand through her tangled hair. The doctor informs them she’s concerned that they both missed their last appointment this week. The ever-present people pleasing side of her cringes when she hears the note of disappointment in the other woman’s voice but she rolls her eyes and shakes the thought from her head. Why should she be the one feeling guilty about it? No she’s sick of feeling guilty for everything, it‘s such an exhausting constant state. And after the guilt comes the anger, a little late but usually making an appearance.
That’s why she couldn’t care less when she turns on the kitchen lights and the kettle, which begins its mild whistling as Savvy’s voice echoes down the hallway on the next message. Addison smiles at the familiar tone secretly pleased that someone somewhere remembers she is a fully functioning person with feelings and the like. The kind of person that doesn’t take well to lies.
As Savvy delivers the details of a potential get together for the two married couples, Derek stretches and makes his way out of the living room having fallen asleep on the couch again. Wincing at the light he yawns loudly as the answering machine’s tone dies out.
“Oh.” Addison says abruptly turning towards him as his shadow falls under the kitchen lighting. “I didn’t realize you were here.” She adds flatly dropping two slices of bread into the toaster. The smile elicited by Savvy’s voice disappearing upon seeing her groggy looking husband. His hair all off to one side and he has one sock missing but he’s still Derek and he’s still cute and she isn’t sure which fact she hates more.
“I was sleeping on the couch.” Derek yawns again, selecting a mug from the cupboard and lets it join hers on the counter as the kettle begins to whistle at fever pitch. “Was that Sav?” He asks as she busies herself with the pots on the draining board.
“Yeah, she wants to know if we want to go out with her and Weiss tomorrow night for a few drinks.” She answers twisting the dishcloth in the already dry glass. The conversation is like all others since their last therapy session, polite, informal, strained. She never called him out and he never offered to explain. It’s easier this way, it hurts but it’s easier.
“But I’ll just tell her you have a surgery or something.” She continues on as she puts the now clean glass away in its designated cupboard. There’s no point asking him anymore, there’s always something he’d rather be doing. Even if they are supposed to be trying she knows his heart isn’t in it. She tells herself that he needs more time and that’s what gets her through the long nights, the nights where she is curled up on the edge of the bed with the sheets wrangled into her long, delicate fingers praying to feel his warmth next to hers for just a second where they aren‘t at each other‘s throats. All she needs is some sign, some indication that she isn’t making the second biggest mistake of her life every day.
“Why assume I don’t want to go?” Derek asks as he reaches into the refrigerator for the milk and butter for her toast. He falls into the comfortable schedule and mindlessly reaches for a butter knife and pulls her bread from the appliance.
“I just…” she turns collecting the next item from the drainer, “It’s easier that way isn’t it? “ She’s not so sure anymore. She’s not sure of anything anymore, least of all herself. “You don’t actually want to go, I do. So I’ll make up an excuse for you. It’s not a big deal, I‘ve been doing it for years.” She throws in passively watching him squirm.
It’s the way she does it; it presses a button in him. Maybe it’s because they are both tired and that combined with the undeniable tension that has been under the surface for the past week makes him want to kick back and rebel against every assumption. “Well I do want to go.”
“Fine. We are meeting them for drinks downtown at 8.” She answers dropping the towel to the side and taking the plate now holding the toast he has buttered and the tea that has been made from the side and disappearing upstairs. A sense of achievement washes through her for finally getting the last word.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day rolls around pretty quickly and drugged from sleep they both make their way to the hospital separately. Surgeries crawl along and babies make their way into the world just like any other day. It’s all the same boring routine. The gossip is still predominant and she turns a blind cheek because she’d rather waste her energy on saving her marriage than correcting everyone all day long.
And just like any other day her guilt complex kicks in around lunch and she reschedules that appointment she missed so that by 3pm she is sitting in Dr. Klein’s office picking at her finger nails as she stares at the floor. The receptionist smiles and asks if she would like to wait a few more minutes for her still absent husband. Addison smiles politely but declines graciously. If he wanted to be here he would be here by now. So when the doctor calls her name she stands swiftly and moves effortlessly into the office, or so it appears, but it takes effort, a great deal of effort to keep those feet jutting out in motion.
It takes effort to breathe now.
“So Addison how are things? I haven’t seen you in a week.”
“I know, I’m sorry, emergency surgeries. Babies don’t understand that they have appointments.” She smiles covering the lie that she hadn’t the heart to return to the scene of the crime before. Dr. Klein nods as if she understands. The other woman definitely sees through the lie, but doesn’t address it. She’s still getting paid for the appointments they’ve missed, so really she’s not going to call it, for now at least.
“And Derek how is he?”
“Good, great, fine. I guess.”
“You guess?”
“We erm…we haven’t really seen a lot of each other. It’s been a busy week.” She gestures a sweeping motion hoping to gain confidence as they trudge along.
“I see. And will he be joining us today?”
“I doubt it.” Addison shakes her head looking back down at the fingernail she is absently picking at again in reaction to her apprehension and shame. The tiny droplet of blood from her torn cuticle bubbles to the surface and she pulls her hand away before she does more damage. One can’t have mangled hands pulling babies into the world. “In fact,” she starts unable to finish the sentence without another deep breath, “In fact, I don’t think he’ll be joining us again.”
“Did you have a disagreement?”
“No, no, no. Nothing like that. I just…I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I just-” she starts exasperated that the woman hasn’t worked it out for herself, “Last session, you asked him why he was here. He said it was because he loved me. He lied.”
“Did he say that directly?”
“No, but I’ve lived with the man for over a decade. I know when it’s a hollow statement.” It almost hurts more to say out loud than to think every second of every day.
“So that’s it for you? You’re done?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to keep pushing on for. “She shakes her head trying to keep the tears from falling.
“What has happened here Addison is that you have grown apart. It happens in the best of marriages. But it’s not irreversible. A little bit of work, on both sides and you can learn who the other one is again. Don’t you want that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Okay, so you want to fight and obviously it would be better if Derek were here to ask him his view…but let’s say you both agree, that what you once had, what you are trying to get back is worth the fight. How do you suggest you go about that?”
“Well…I…We need to talk. I mean we talk now but generally about work, or ‘Can you pass the milk’ sort of thing. It would help if we were in the same room for more than an hour. And I know I need to work on it just as much as Derek…It‘s just feeling awfully one sided and lonely these days, you know?” She gasps finishing off and leaning back into the chair with her fingers laced so tightly together that her knuckles rub and ache in white protest.
“That’s good. That’s very good, you need to communicate and obviously you need to be together for that. How do you think Derek will respond?”
“I don’t know, I mean…Our friend called yesterday- Savvy. She wants us to go out with her and her husband tonight. I didn’t think he’d want to go but…apparently he does.” Addison blinks as she replays the conversation, “I just…it’s something we would have done. Before. And…I…I don’t understand why he wants to even be with me if he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“I think that’s a question for Derek.” Dr. Klein smiles sympathetically.
“But how can I ask him when he won’t even look at me!” She nearly shouts and then reprimands herself before the therapist gets a chance. “Sorry, I shouldn’t…I lost control there for a second.”
“It’s okay to be frustrated and upset by the situation.” She tries calming the redhead.
And suddenly she shuts down. They‘ve crossed her comfort zone and it‘s time to go. “I know. I know that but- I should go right? I mean, I’m wasting your time sitting here and talking about couple’s therapy without the other half of the couple. I should go.” She stands and looks at the pictures begging silently for someone to stop her for once.
“You can stay. It doesn’t have to been exclusively couple’s therapy today. I tell you what, let’s talk about wherever the wind takes us, okay?”
She sniffles a little as the older woman reaches for a tissue and presses it into her palm. Short of having an emotional breakdown, however embarrassing, she isn’t sure what to talk about. They sit silently for a full minute, Addison watching the people outside of the window, Dr. Klein watching Addison.
“God, how did I screw this all up? I always screw everything up.” She whispers to the glass pane trying not to cry again.
“There are two people in a marriage Addison.”
“If I wouldn’t have slept with him, if I could’ve just stopped- damn it.” She fails though trying valiantly with the sobs and tries to laugh but instead comes out with a choking sound leaving way for the warm salty liquid. She keeps her face from her therapist, eyes trained to the busy pedestrians outside.
“Tell me about what was happening before the affair Addison.” She reaches for her pen and prepares herself.
“Nothing.” Is the quiet reply.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. It was like the entire world was moving around me and there I was just trying to get my husband to talk to me outside of work, trying to get him to notice me when I wasn’t needed for a consult, we were just going through the motions…a whole lot of nothing. Every, “I love you.” was hollow, every kiss habitual. Nothing.”
“Okay. Was the affair an accident do you think or did you do it on purpose?”
She takes a second with the answer because she never really thought about it that way. “He was there. He was just there and Derek wasn’t and I missed him, you know? I missed him so much but every time I told him that he’d tell me I was ridiculous or being clingy…we changed. I don‘t even think he likes me anymore…as a person regardless of my indiscretions.”
“People change, they evolve, and they grow but that doesn‘t mean we stop liking them all together. Now about…” She flips through her notes, “…about Mark. He was a good friend?”
“Derek’s best friend. His brother basically. I’m so stupid…” She bites her lip and watches the hotdog vendor on the street corner get mobbed in the early dinner crowd. “I shouldn’t have done that. We would’ve been okay, if I just wouldn’t have-”
“It’s a done deal now so there’s no point in wasting your time thinking about it like that. You can’t go back in time. You have to let it go, you have to be ready to move on too or this won’t work.”
She drops her voice to a decibel above a whisper and turns around with her dried tear tracks and congested nose. “He told me the other day he was a bad husband, he said he wished he was better. What does that mean?”
“I think that means he wishes he was a better husband to you. What do you think it means?”
She scuffs her heels against the carpet and turns back to the window crossing her arms over her chest. “I think it means he wishes he was better for him, not for the sake of our marriage, not for me, just that he wishes he was better at it.” When the intent is removed from the quest it loses everything and it cuts deeper than she’s ever known.
“Could be. Why do you say that?”
“He doesn’t like to be bad at things, anything. He’s always the best.” She explains simply.
“Do you like to be bad at things?”
“No.” She answers immediately.
“I don’t think anyone does. Would it be the worst thing in the world if he actually cared for you and wanted to be better at it for you?”
“No.”
“Addison sit please.” She points to the chair and waits. “I think you’re afraid. That’s natural, to be afraid to let him in again. There’s obviously been a lot of hurt through the years on both of your accounts and letting someone back in is never easy. You’re keeping him at an arm’s length because it’s safe there. You know what to predict, what to say, what not to say because if he says he doesn’t love you anymore, like you believe, then you don’t want to hear it. But what’s worse than that is you don’t actually think you’re worthy of being loved anymore.”
The jargon rolls of Addison’s brain and she opens her mouth in response but shuts it again quickly. “You think that what you did was so repulsive that this entire situation falls squarely on your shoulders, is that a fair assessment?”
“I guess, I mean I know we weren’t fine before but I…I-.”
“You feel guilt, remorse and pain and it’s understandable but this behavior you’ve adapted to? It’s only going to cause more problems. You’re asking for what you’re getting because you think you deserve it and the punishment needs to end today. Someone has to take a leap here. Someone has to end the cycle. You have to let him love you, if he chooses. You have to know you’re worthy of having him still and right now I look at you and I see someone who is not only terrified of what’s to come but terrified of them self and that‘s no way to go about life.”
For a half a second Addison thinks the woman is off her reservation but slowly it starts to sink in and then she’s fidgety and uncomfortable because she was just read like a book and no one has been in this deep for years. “Ok.”
“Ok?”
“Ok, I’m screwed up. I get it.” She shrugs nonchalantly and presses a smile onto her red stained lips.
“It’s about more than that Addison. You have to be taking steps too, not just pressing your relationship forward. Everyone falls off the bandwagon. We all need a little reminder sometimes to love ourselves and to remember who we are. I think you and Derek should go out tonight. Reconnect. Spend time outside of the hospital, outside of the house and focus on having a good time. Focus on one another and how happy you can still make each other even though it feels like the world is crashing down. And if you’re feeling particularly brave maybe talk a little. I’m not saying it won’t be painful, and I’m not saying it will be a quick fix but it can be done. Have some faith.”
Addison’s not a woman of faith. She, like many other doctors, believes in what she knows, what she can see, what she feels. There was a faith there long ago, instilled in her childhood but it grew apart from her being and now as an adult she almost misses the sense of unity and warmth that believing in a higher power can have.
Believing in anything, really, would be a nice change.
“Ok.” She nods again and gulps back the onslaught of emotion, at least until she can get to the elevator.
“You’re a good person in a bad situation, you need to know that.” Dr. Klein smiles and continues, “Well, I think that’s it for us today. I’ll see you two on Monday and I want a full report. Just remember, don’t make it awkward and forced, keep it light, and enjoy yourselves until you can take that next step. Might be tonight, might be next week.”
“Right.”
“Good work today Addison. See you next week.” Dr. Klein drops her eyes down and begins making notes as Addison shuffles her purse onto her shoulder and dashes outside the small room of uncertainty and conflict. Once safely capsulated in the metal she lets approximately thirty seconds of emotional laden sobbing happen before straightening her skirt, wiping her cheeks and heading home for the sure to be eventful night out.
~~~~~~~~~~
After quietly letting herself in the front door Addison did some hasty detective work to discover the neither was Derek home nor had he been there in the recent past. She dropped her purse on the kitchen counter, skipped past the stupid answering machine knowing full well that there was no explanation from her husband on it and tip toed upstairs to find something better to wear out.
Her fingers flitted through outfit after outfit until she gave up and decided to go with picking the shoes first. Her eyes scanned up and down the closet looking for something perfect, not that it would matter, Derek wouldn’t see her even if she was out dancing naked.
His eyes are permanently displaced from her.
Finally settling on good old fashioned red pumps she makes her way out of the house, this time stopping to face her demons in the answering machine. Two messages later she learned that she needed to get her car serviced at some point and that Dr. Klein was just as anxious as she was this afternoon to see them on Monday. She checks her cell phone for the hell of it and sees nothing before clicking her way out of the damn door where she stood months ago rain soaked and feeling like the world had ended.
She was mistaken, the world spins madly on, she only wishes it would stop.
She hears Savvy long before she sees her pining her husband up against the bar table in a compromising position so Addison marches to the bar ignoring all other patrons and orders a martini. The first one gets gulped back zealously because she needs it and because alcohol consumption is a must when your best friend thoroughly plans on dragging your dancing challenged ass out onto the floor at least one. She finishes the second one before feeling someone, presumably inadvertently, brushing up against her leg and placing their hands on the bar trying to get the pushy server’s attention.
Suddenly there is warmth spreading through her and she blames the alcohol before she realizes that she knows those hands and that body. She looks up and views Derek with already foggy eyes. “You’re late.” She murmurs like it will make any difference.
“Actually I’ve been here.” He points to the table now being stolen by a rowdy group of college guys. “Hello, can I get some service down here!” He shouts to the short woman behind the counter who makes Addison another drink and replaces the empty glass leaving nothing behind for Derek. “Great, she hates me too.”
He’s kind of had one of those days where you just want to either crawl in a hole and die or jump back into bed, or an on call bed, and sleep away the whole event with promises of better things to come with the new sunrise. Two bumbling interns, one almost lawsuit, three very angry family members and the onslaught of more gossip than he cared to know about have landed him tired, cranky and very much just wanting to get the night over with no matter how much he said he wanted to be here. He only wanted it because she didn’t expect it and from the looks of it still can’t believe he has materialized before her eyes.
“Maybe we can start a club.” She mutters to her drink before realizing what she has said and looking around for Savvy to save her.
“Yeah, you would.” He smirks back finally receiving a full glass of core warming scotch. He follows her gaze to their friends who are worse then the twenty-somethings around them about keeping their hands to themselves. Addison chides herself for thinking that she and Derek used to be a little like that, if only a fraction and she misses that tiny bit. The one that kept his hand on her back guiding her through a crowd or her arm looped through his. Derek feels his stomach quell while watching them and knows he used to like to touch his ex-girlfriend all the time like that. He takes another drink and pushes the thoughts away. Meredith is in Seattle not New York and this was his choice. His fucking choice not that it matters in the slightest.
“You made it!” Savvy shouts over the growing crowd. They do the weird hug, half man pat thing for greetings and then pull up chairs and all take a seat. “I’m so happy to see you guys together. When Addie told me you guys were working it out I just knew. I had a good feeling. You guys are meant to be together.” She pauses, “To Addison and Derek!” She screeches, clearly way ahead on the drinking curve and tosses her glass into the air. They clink producing fake smiles and looking past one another to avoid eye contact.
“I’m going to go grab more drinks.” Weiss announces and makes a rapid departure. They affect the atmosphere; poison the air with their unhappiness and tension.
“So Addie how are all the babies?”
“Good.” She smiles.
“Derek how are all the brains?”
“Good.” A lie. Oh well, no one cares how his day went.
“And I still get to sue people, let’s celebrate.” She grins and tosses her hair over the back of the chair making an effort to be especially talkative, trying to at least liven up her friend.
“To Savvy!” Addison announces and finishes off the little drink she has while letting her eyes dart around rapidly for Weiss and her liquid salvation. Maybe if she gets completely plastered it won’t be as awkward.
“Wait, what are we “To Savvying” for?” Weiss asks nearly losing his balance and spilling everything. “And I totally guessed on what the drinks were. Better than nothing.” Derek grabs at what he is guessing is his and sips ardently.
“Because she sues people.” Addison speaks up before falling silent with her lips on the rim of the glass again.
“Ok, dancing time. I’m all liquored up.” Savvy proclaims and grabs Addison’s hand before she can even set down her glass.
Turning to look back over her shoulder she whispers, “Wish me luck.”
“Luck.” They chorus as Derek clucks his tongue on the roof of his mouth and looking back at the bar.
“Alright, out with it man.” Weiss jabs at his shoulder and waits. If anything it will be an interesting story, at best it will be nothing more than nonsense and at worst it will be exactly what he thinks. He rolls his eyes as Derek shies away from the task and waits for the fate to spill out of his mouth and onto the table.
~~~~~~~~~~
Derek spoke slowly, skipping huge chunks of things proclaiming himself the victim and Addison the villain and there was some sort of sick vindication when Weiss told him he was a better man for working it out, for staying put and trying. But the problem is that his good friend doesn’t know the whole story and if he did, well he certainly wouldn’t be praising Derek and indiscreetly shooting horrible looks at the long legged red head jiving away. The ending point of his sob story to the spot where he is right now, clutching his wife’s arm on the side of the street, are a little hazy but Addison remembers enough for both of them anyway. She always does.
It’s hard to look like she’s enjoying herself when all she really wants to do is wallow. But Addison is nothing if not a master when it comes to instilling the belief that everything will be alright to those around her. It’s what she does it for a living. It’s just a pity she can’t convince herself. But the alcohol helps and she lets herself loosen up a little bit as Savvy keeps hold of her hand and twirls beneath it when she lets out a raucous laugh. The sway and grind and giggle and for a second Addison forgets why life is so damn awful; for just a moment Addison feels like Addison again, awkward and stumbling, slightly tipsy but still smiling and she’s missed that.
There are several glances back at the table where their respective husbands sit and Weiss waves at his wife never once taking his eyes from her. Derek on the other hand seems content in staring at the bottom of his glass. And it could have been the alcohol and the final realization that he was just here to prove a point to himself and the rest of the world, or his continued complacent ignorance that reigned supreme; but something set a fire in Addison’s belly. It burned quietly, unrushed, steadily growing. Every time Weiss smiled at Sav and every time his face lit up when Derek’s was glued to the wood in front of him Addison wanted to scream.
So when the attractive looking and oh-so very young guy bumped into her spilling the remnants of her beverage onto the crowded floor and then offered to buy her another, Addison shot a glance back at Derek who was still off in his own little world and made a decision. She smiled with her best wicked grin, answering, “Sure why not?” and taking the hand he offered her to lead her through the crowds to the bar, leaving Savvy somewhat astonished.
The chances were Derek wasn’t watching, what did a little harmless flirting matter? And even if he was she doubted it would get any kind of reaction from him, and if it did well, that was just a bonus. She shook his hand when he introduced himself as Tom, and proceeded to order another martini. She nodded pretending to listen when he talked about something or other, all the while intentionally playing with the olive, watching his eyes wander over her. That felt good. She wasn’t as unattractive as her husband made her feel, and the want was clear in this Tom guy’s eyes, and that felt even better. She was starting to think that maybe she wasn’t insane and that men actually were still interested in her (if only for her body) just not Derek. And suddenly she didn’t know which felt worse, the fact that Derek was genuinely (and admittedly understandably) uninterested or that this guy in front of her with stick straight short hair wanted nothing more than to fuck her up against the bar counter.
When he said something remotely funny she tossed her head back in a laugh running a hand through her hair, as she resumed eye contact with the younger man. She was going to have to settle for momentary happiness because it was all the world was dealing out. Somewhere between the second or third gulp of the martini she had stopped watching the table that Savvy had returned to. When Derek appeared at her side, laying a hand on her bare shoulder she was more than surprised. The mere contact of his light fingers seemed to burn her skin and she whipped around to face him. There was a placid smile on his face and his eyes betrayed him.
He held his hand out to the other man, “Hi, I’m Dr. Derek Shepherd, her husband. And you are?” The other man managed a response before making his exit.
“What do you think you are doing?” Derek hissed the moment he left turning to face his indignant wife.
“Oh what do you care?” Addison exploded pushing past him. She reached the table collecting her coat and bag, she kissed Savvy’s cheek and quickly making her own apologies about not feeling well and stating that they should do it again sometime soon. It was a blatant lie, but she was way past caring about keeping up any kind of pretense anymore and the alcohol certainly wasn’t helping the situation.
She fled before Derek even returned to the table.
~~~~~~~~~~
And now, now they’re here. Ten feet from their home where Derek finally managed to catch up to Addison’s surprisingly quick pace and tightened a hand around her forearm, threatening to not ever let go. He twists her skin unknowingly and she winces behind the alcohol induced stupor. As she breaks free, her heel catches in the stupid sidewalk and forces her stumbling into his arms. She steps back immediately checking her balance, straightens the collar on her coat and marches past him proudly fumbling with her house keys.
“We have to talk about this.” He proclaims as soon as they both make their way inside and she’s dropped her keys onto the table and kicked out of the red shoes that make her calves look amazing, the ones that Derek used to love and no longer even sees.
“Why bother?” She waves him off and floats into the kitchen to find more alcohol to speed the process of getting to sleep. She contemplates actually not needing the pills hidden in her side of the nightstand for once and puts a death grip on the short clear glass before locating the good scotch.
“We are supposed to talk about things.” He reminds her and takes the bottle away intent on at least not having to listen to her vomiting half way through the night.
“We…” She motions to the space between them, “…never talk about anything. Haven’t for a long time so if you’ll excuse me, I have some drinking to do.”
“This is what you drug me out here for! To watch you drown in alcohol and to torment me by letting every guy in the city hit on you! Fuck this, fuck you. I don’t need this. I had a life in Seattle. I left it all for you!” Anger has hit critical mass and again maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s just finally time to have is out with her.
“Yeah,” she snorts, “you left Meredith. I’m so, so sorry Derek. I thought for one crazy half-a-second that you wanted your marriage. Clearly I was wrong.” She tips the glass from side to side letting the amber goodness slosh about.
“It’s not about Meredith!” And he has no idea who he is trying to kid.
“And it’s not about Tom.”
“Who is Tom?” He asks incredulously and swipes the bottle from her hand and takes a long sip without a cup just to piss her off. Instead she drops her own into the sink and steals the bottle back taking a long gulp.
“The kid at the bar.”
“How could you do that?”
“Do what?” She asks batting her eyelashes innocently and watching him wiggle and grow just slightly more agitated. It’s a disgusting sort of pleasing to still have some affect over him, no matter good or bad. “He spilled my drink and wanted to buy me a new one. I was letting him be chivalrous, that’s all, though I am surprised you lifted your eyes from your glass tonight to notice.”
“You were flirting with him, embarrassing me in front of our friends!”
She stops, narrows her eyes and drops her voice to a seething whisper. “No, you know what’s embarrassing Derek? The way you make me relive that night whenever we see someone we know. You’re the good guy, I’m the whore or whatever it is you love to call me, who cheated on you and for just once it would be really nice if someone wasn’t looking at me like that…you already do it enough for everyone.”
He bites his tongue and stares back imploringly. “Embarrassing Derek is having a husband who would rather pick at the tabletop than once look up and see his wife while our friends try and show us a good time. Embarrassing is fighting to the death for the most ridiculous sham of a marriage because you aren’t a big enough person to realize and accept that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. That’s what embarrassing is. Goodnight.” She stands mostly unaffected by the alcohol because it takes quite a bit for her to be making up words and doing cartwheels and heads out in search of the stairs leaving the scotch on the carpet where they both came to a rest on the living room floor.
~~~~~~~~~~
She rushed out of the house the next morning with sunglasses, an unavoidable hangover and feeling more emotionally drained than anything else. What she didn’t know was that Derek spent the night in the hall listening to her cry staring at the stupid picture on the end table that he still has no idea about. For seven hours he tried to place it and he’s got nothing. What he realized, last night when he couldn’t actually stand up and go in his own room to hold the woman he has been with for over a decade, is that he can not readily recall doing anything with Addison in the last few years and that is just a few missing files short of a big fucking disaster.
He was certain this was her fault, every last penny in the cracked piggybank was hers…or was it his? Was he actually contributing more than he thought? Certainly he’s not the world’s greatest husband or even the world’s best man but he wasn’t the one who cheated, at least not first, and he didn’t do it with her best friend. He did it with a stranger that neither one of them ever has to see again.
“Derek, glad you made it.” Dr. Klein smiles over her nameplate and watches him carefully pace the floor. “Addison said she wouldn’t be in today so I am a little surprised to see you.”
He walks. Heel to toe slowly trekking his way to hell. Shoes carefully wearing out the carpet, feet protesting at the end of their day. She talks and he ignores her carefully placing his thoughts in a row, trying to think of the right words to say to convey the message. “I don’t remember anything.” He admits quietly to no one.
“Remember last night? Addison had mentioned that you two were thinking about going out-”
“Oh, she happened to slip that in, did she? Well what else did she say?”
“Nothing you should be concerned with. Derek have a seat, please…so we can start.”
He doesn’t sit. He paces. Back and forth behind the two chairs that should be occupied by people working on their marriage not just one guy who is absolutely terrified of the picture that is slowly beginning to take shape in his head. The pieces of the puzzle are sliding into place and it looks a little like the painting his five year old niece drew for him last year for Christmas. “I sat last night. In the hall. I sat in the stupid hall.” He huffs, “And I stared at a picture for close to seven hours…and you know what I know?”
“No.” She states cautiously waiting for his fury.
“I know that I don’t have the first clue as to when or where that picture was taken, and I’m in it. Standing next to Addison, hell I’m touching her. I have my fucking arm wrapped around her waist and she’s leaning into me in this dress that I’ve never seen before…what is that? What do you do with that?”
“What do you want to do with it?”
“I want to throw it out the window because it’s driving me insane.” He states like a mere afterthought, like it should be the first thing on everyone’s mind because this problem, this thing that is merely growing between the two of them is more suffocating than he ever imagined it could be.
“Or you could just ask Addison when it was taken and then you’ll know and maybe remember.” She offers with a shrug and watches him wring his hands into dizzying knots.
“I don’t want to know, I just want it to go away. I want everything to go away so we can go back to where we were and…” He trails off working his way to the window, doing unwittingly, the very same thing Addison had done a few days before. Dr. Klein smirks and then writes as he continues. “And…we just can’t. We don’t connect, it’s not there anymore or something and I don’t know what that means and whether or not…I mean, is it worth it? How do I know that she’s not going to get naked with every Tom and Mark in this city while I’m at work? How do I know that? How do you trust someone again after they’ve done that to you?” His voice falters and his words are angry but his tone even. He’s been giving a lot of thought to the whole thing.
“Do you love her?” And it’s more of jumping off point for conversation than anything else but she’d be lying if she said that her patients weren’t at least a little entertaining and she’s curious about this pair. How these two could get so bogged down in the trenches that they can’t even see how very similar they still are; how much they blatantly still care for one another?
They’re too hell bent on being right and fighting until it’s shredded nails on torn flesh and there’s nothing to cling to but a running trickle of red slippery blood.
He looks back briefly, thoughts tumbling carelessly from side to side and says the one thing he still knows to be true, “I love Meredith.”
~~~~~~~~~
14. Oh, isn't it making you lose your mind?
Pairing: Derek/Addison
Rating: R
Authors: Hannah & Sarah.
Description: Derek decides to fight for his marriage. Set Season 2.
Summary: Individual therapy and a night out with the friends.
Disclaimer: Not ours.
A/N: Hi! We are still writing this, shocking right? While we apologize for the delays in turnaround, you should know it's because it's not the holidays anymore. First, we are both back at school, and second, you cannot be in a good mood to write this. At all. Ever. So here Addison is kind of still reeling from her discovery, and Derek. He's just being Derek. We hope you enjoy it. And we promise to try and get the next chapter out before next Christmas!
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You'll go along with and then drop it
And you humiliate me in front of our friends.
...
My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations
And I know that I should let go
But I can't
And every time we fight I know it's not right
Every time that you're upset and I smile
I know I should forget
But I can't
- Kate Nash, "Foundations"
~~~~~~~~~~~
The answering machine flashes as Addison creeps in the door at ten to two. She considers pushing the button for a second as she shrugs off her coat hanging it on the same peg she always does, but her brain automatically tells her it might wake Derek. She scoffs at herself as she slips off her pumps, jamming her index finger into the button with force causing it to bleep to life. He certainly isn’t home because he‘s quickly reverted back to sleeping on the lumpy hospital beds. But then again, he’s probably heard she’s been staying at the hospital a lot this week too so he could just be asleep in the guest bed so they aren’t forced to share the same air space for more than an hour at a time.
The voice of Dr. Klein reverberates through the hallway as Addison runs a hand through her tangled hair. The doctor informs them she’s concerned that they both missed their last appointment this week. The ever-present people pleasing side of her cringes when she hears the note of disappointment in the other woman’s voice but she rolls her eyes and shakes the thought from her head. Why should she be the one feeling guilty about it? No she’s sick of feeling guilty for everything, it‘s such an exhausting constant state. And after the guilt comes the anger, a little late but usually making an appearance.
That’s why she couldn’t care less when she turns on the kitchen lights and the kettle, which begins its mild whistling as Savvy’s voice echoes down the hallway on the next message. Addison smiles at the familiar tone secretly pleased that someone somewhere remembers she is a fully functioning person with feelings and the like. The kind of person that doesn’t take well to lies.
As Savvy delivers the details of a potential get together for the two married couples, Derek stretches and makes his way out of the living room having fallen asleep on the couch again. Wincing at the light he yawns loudly as the answering machine’s tone dies out.
“Oh.” Addison says abruptly turning towards him as his shadow falls under the kitchen lighting. “I didn’t realize you were here.” She adds flatly dropping two slices of bread into the toaster. The smile elicited by Savvy’s voice disappearing upon seeing her groggy looking husband. His hair all off to one side and he has one sock missing but he’s still Derek and he’s still cute and she isn’t sure which fact she hates more.
“I was sleeping on the couch.” Derek yawns again, selecting a mug from the cupboard and lets it join hers on the counter as the kettle begins to whistle at fever pitch. “Was that Sav?” He asks as she busies herself with the pots on the draining board.
“Yeah, she wants to know if we want to go out with her and Weiss tomorrow night for a few drinks.” She answers twisting the dishcloth in the already dry glass. The conversation is like all others since their last therapy session, polite, informal, strained. She never called him out and he never offered to explain. It’s easier this way, it hurts but it’s easier.
“But I’ll just tell her you have a surgery or something.” She continues on as she puts the now clean glass away in its designated cupboard. There’s no point asking him anymore, there’s always something he’d rather be doing. Even if they are supposed to be trying she knows his heart isn’t in it. She tells herself that he needs more time and that’s what gets her through the long nights, the nights where she is curled up on the edge of the bed with the sheets wrangled into her long, delicate fingers praying to feel his warmth next to hers for just a second where they aren‘t at each other‘s throats. All she needs is some sign, some indication that she isn’t making the second biggest mistake of her life every day.
“Why assume I don’t want to go?” Derek asks as he reaches into the refrigerator for the milk and butter for her toast. He falls into the comfortable schedule and mindlessly reaches for a butter knife and pulls her bread from the appliance.
“I just…” she turns collecting the next item from the drainer, “It’s easier that way isn’t it? “ She’s not so sure anymore. She’s not sure of anything anymore, least of all herself. “You don’t actually want to go, I do. So I’ll make up an excuse for you. It’s not a big deal, I‘ve been doing it for years.” She throws in passively watching him squirm.
It’s the way she does it; it presses a button in him. Maybe it’s because they are both tired and that combined with the undeniable tension that has been under the surface for the past week makes him want to kick back and rebel against every assumption. “Well I do want to go.”
“Fine. We are meeting them for drinks downtown at 8.” She answers dropping the towel to the side and taking the plate now holding the toast he has buttered and the tea that has been made from the side and disappearing upstairs. A sense of achievement washes through her for finally getting the last word.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day rolls around pretty quickly and drugged from sleep they both make their way to the hospital separately. Surgeries crawl along and babies make their way into the world just like any other day. It’s all the same boring routine. The gossip is still predominant and she turns a blind cheek because she’d rather waste her energy on saving her marriage than correcting everyone all day long.
And just like any other day her guilt complex kicks in around lunch and she reschedules that appointment she missed so that by 3pm she is sitting in Dr. Klein’s office picking at her finger nails as she stares at the floor. The receptionist smiles and asks if she would like to wait a few more minutes for her still absent husband. Addison smiles politely but declines graciously. If he wanted to be here he would be here by now. So when the doctor calls her name she stands swiftly and moves effortlessly into the office, or so it appears, but it takes effort, a great deal of effort to keep those feet jutting out in motion.
It takes effort to breathe now.
“So Addison how are things? I haven’t seen you in a week.”
“I know, I’m sorry, emergency surgeries. Babies don’t understand that they have appointments.” She smiles covering the lie that she hadn’t the heart to return to the scene of the crime before. Dr. Klein nods as if she understands. The other woman definitely sees through the lie, but doesn’t address it. She’s still getting paid for the appointments they’ve missed, so really she’s not going to call it, for now at least.
“And Derek how is he?”
“Good, great, fine. I guess.”
“You guess?”
“We erm…we haven’t really seen a lot of each other. It’s been a busy week.” She gestures a sweeping motion hoping to gain confidence as they trudge along.
“I see. And will he be joining us today?”
“I doubt it.” Addison shakes her head looking back down at the fingernail she is absently picking at again in reaction to her apprehension and shame. The tiny droplet of blood from her torn cuticle bubbles to the surface and she pulls her hand away before she does more damage. One can’t have mangled hands pulling babies into the world. “In fact,” she starts unable to finish the sentence without another deep breath, “In fact, I don’t think he’ll be joining us again.”
“Did you have a disagreement?”
“No, no, no. Nothing like that. I just…I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I just-” she starts exasperated that the woman hasn’t worked it out for herself, “Last session, you asked him why he was here. He said it was because he loved me. He lied.”
“Did he say that directly?”
“No, but I’ve lived with the man for over a decade. I know when it’s a hollow statement.” It almost hurts more to say out loud than to think every second of every day.
“So that’s it for you? You’re done?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to keep pushing on for. “She shakes her head trying to keep the tears from falling.
“What has happened here Addison is that you have grown apart. It happens in the best of marriages. But it’s not irreversible. A little bit of work, on both sides and you can learn who the other one is again. Don’t you want that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Okay, so you want to fight and obviously it would be better if Derek were here to ask him his view…but let’s say you both agree, that what you once had, what you are trying to get back is worth the fight. How do you suggest you go about that?”
“Well…I…We need to talk. I mean we talk now but generally about work, or ‘Can you pass the milk’ sort of thing. It would help if we were in the same room for more than an hour. And I know I need to work on it just as much as Derek…It‘s just feeling awfully one sided and lonely these days, you know?” She gasps finishing off and leaning back into the chair with her fingers laced so tightly together that her knuckles rub and ache in white protest.
“That’s good. That’s very good, you need to communicate and obviously you need to be together for that. How do you think Derek will respond?”
“I don’t know, I mean…Our friend called yesterday- Savvy. She wants us to go out with her and her husband tonight. I didn’t think he’d want to go but…apparently he does.” Addison blinks as she replays the conversation, “I just…it’s something we would have done. Before. And…I…I don’t understand why he wants to even be with me if he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“I think that’s a question for Derek.” Dr. Klein smiles sympathetically.
“But how can I ask him when he won’t even look at me!” She nearly shouts and then reprimands herself before the therapist gets a chance. “Sorry, I shouldn’t…I lost control there for a second.”
“It’s okay to be frustrated and upset by the situation.” She tries calming the redhead.
And suddenly she shuts down. They‘ve crossed her comfort zone and it‘s time to go. “I know. I know that but- I should go right? I mean, I’m wasting your time sitting here and talking about couple’s therapy without the other half of the couple. I should go.” She stands and looks at the pictures begging silently for someone to stop her for once.
“You can stay. It doesn’t have to been exclusively couple’s therapy today. I tell you what, let’s talk about wherever the wind takes us, okay?”
She sniffles a little as the older woman reaches for a tissue and presses it into her palm. Short of having an emotional breakdown, however embarrassing, she isn’t sure what to talk about. They sit silently for a full minute, Addison watching the people outside of the window, Dr. Klein watching Addison.
“God, how did I screw this all up? I always screw everything up.” She whispers to the glass pane trying not to cry again.
“There are two people in a marriage Addison.”
“If I wouldn’t have slept with him, if I could’ve just stopped- damn it.” She fails though trying valiantly with the sobs and tries to laugh but instead comes out with a choking sound leaving way for the warm salty liquid. She keeps her face from her therapist, eyes trained to the busy pedestrians outside.
“Tell me about what was happening before the affair Addison.” She reaches for her pen and prepares herself.
“Nothing.” Is the quiet reply.
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. It was like the entire world was moving around me and there I was just trying to get my husband to talk to me outside of work, trying to get him to notice me when I wasn’t needed for a consult, we were just going through the motions…a whole lot of nothing. Every, “I love you.” was hollow, every kiss habitual. Nothing.”
“Okay. Was the affair an accident do you think or did you do it on purpose?”
She takes a second with the answer because she never really thought about it that way. “He was there. He was just there and Derek wasn’t and I missed him, you know? I missed him so much but every time I told him that he’d tell me I was ridiculous or being clingy…we changed. I don‘t even think he likes me anymore…as a person regardless of my indiscretions.”
“People change, they evolve, and they grow but that doesn‘t mean we stop liking them all together. Now about…” She flips through her notes, “…about Mark. He was a good friend?”
“Derek’s best friend. His brother basically. I’m so stupid…” She bites her lip and watches the hotdog vendor on the street corner get mobbed in the early dinner crowd. “I shouldn’t have done that. We would’ve been okay, if I just wouldn’t have-”
“It’s a done deal now so there’s no point in wasting your time thinking about it like that. You can’t go back in time. You have to let it go, you have to be ready to move on too or this won’t work.”
She drops her voice to a decibel above a whisper and turns around with her dried tear tracks and congested nose. “He told me the other day he was a bad husband, he said he wished he was better. What does that mean?”
“I think that means he wishes he was a better husband to you. What do you think it means?”
She scuffs her heels against the carpet and turns back to the window crossing her arms over her chest. “I think it means he wishes he was better for him, not for the sake of our marriage, not for me, just that he wishes he was better at it.” When the intent is removed from the quest it loses everything and it cuts deeper than she’s ever known.
“Could be. Why do you say that?”
“He doesn’t like to be bad at things, anything. He’s always the best.” She explains simply.
“Do you like to be bad at things?”
“No.” She answers immediately.
“I don’t think anyone does. Would it be the worst thing in the world if he actually cared for you and wanted to be better at it for you?”
“No.”
“Addison sit please.” She points to the chair and waits. “I think you’re afraid. That’s natural, to be afraid to let him in again. There’s obviously been a lot of hurt through the years on both of your accounts and letting someone back in is never easy. You’re keeping him at an arm’s length because it’s safe there. You know what to predict, what to say, what not to say because if he says he doesn’t love you anymore, like you believe, then you don’t want to hear it. But what’s worse than that is you don’t actually think you’re worthy of being loved anymore.”
The jargon rolls of Addison’s brain and she opens her mouth in response but shuts it again quickly. “You think that what you did was so repulsive that this entire situation falls squarely on your shoulders, is that a fair assessment?”
“I guess, I mean I know we weren’t fine before but I…I-.”
“You feel guilt, remorse and pain and it’s understandable but this behavior you’ve adapted to? It’s only going to cause more problems. You’re asking for what you’re getting because you think you deserve it and the punishment needs to end today. Someone has to take a leap here. Someone has to end the cycle. You have to let him love you, if he chooses. You have to know you’re worthy of having him still and right now I look at you and I see someone who is not only terrified of what’s to come but terrified of them self and that‘s no way to go about life.”
For a half a second Addison thinks the woman is off her reservation but slowly it starts to sink in and then she’s fidgety and uncomfortable because she was just read like a book and no one has been in this deep for years. “Ok.”
“Ok?”
“Ok, I’m screwed up. I get it.” She shrugs nonchalantly and presses a smile onto her red stained lips.
“It’s about more than that Addison. You have to be taking steps too, not just pressing your relationship forward. Everyone falls off the bandwagon. We all need a little reminder sometimes to love ourselves and to remember who we are. I think you and Derek should go out tonight. Reconnect. Spend time outside of the hospital, outside of the house and focus on having a good time. Focus on one another and how happy you can still make each other even though it feels like the world is crashing down. And if you’re feeling particularly brave maybe talk a little. I’m not saying it won’t be painful, and I’m not saying it will be a quick fix but it can be done. Have some faith.”
Addison’s not a woman of faith. She, like many other doctors, believes in what she knows, what she can see, what she feels. There was a faith there long ago, instilled in her childhood but it grew apart from her being and now as an adult she almost misses the sense of unity and warmth that believing in a higher power can have.
Believing in anything, really, would be a nice change.
“Ok.” She nods again and gulps back the onslaught of emotion, at least until she can get to the elevator.
“You’re a good person in a bad situation, you need to know that.” Dr. Klein smiles and continues, “Well, I think that’s it for us today. I’ll see you two on Monday and I want a full report. Just remember, don’t make it awkward and forced, keep it light, and enjoy yourselves until you can take that next step. Might be tonight, might be next week.”
“Right.”
“Good work today Addison. See you next week.” Dr. Klein drops her eyes down and begins making notes as Addison shuffles her purse onto her shoulder and dashes outside the small room of uncertainty and conflict. Once safely capsulated in the metal she lets approximately thirty seconds of emotional laden sobbing happen before straightening her skirt, wiping her cheeks and heading home for the sure to be eventful night out.
~~~~~~~~~~
After quietly letting herself in the front door Addison did some hasty detective work to discover the neither was Derek home nor had he been there in the recent past. She dropped her purse on the kitchen counter, skipped past the stupid answering machine knowing full well that there was no explanation from her husband on it and tip toed upstairs to find something better to wear out.
Her fingers flitted through outfit after outfit until she gave up and decided to go with picking the shoes first. Her eyes scanned up and down the closet looking for something perfect, not that it would matter, Derek wouldn’t see her even if she was out dancing naked.
His eyes are permanently displaced from her.
Finally settling on good old fashioned red pumps she makes her way out of the house, this time stopping to face her demons in the answering machine. Two messages later she learned that she needed to get her car serviced at some point and that Dr. Klein was just as anxious as she was this afternoon to see them on Monday. She checks her cell phone for the hell of it and sees nothing before clicking her way out of the damn door where she stood months ago rain soaked and feeling like the world had ended.
She was mistaken, the world spins madly on, she only wishes it would stop.
She hears Savvy long before she sees her pining her husband up against the bar table in a compromising position so Addison marches to the bar ignoring all other patrons and orders a martini. The first one gets gulped back zealously because she needs it and because alcohol consumption is a must when your best friend thoroughly plans on dragging your dancing challenged ass out onto the floor at least one. She finishes the second one before feeling someone, presumably inadvertently, brushing up against her leg and placing their hands on the bar trying to get the pushy server’s attention.
Suddenly there is warmth spreading through her and she blames the alcohol before she realizes that she knows those hands and that body. She looks up and views Derek with already foggy eyes. “You’re late.” She murmurs like it will make any difference.
“Actually I’ve been here.” He points to the table now being stolen by a rowdy group of college guys. “Hello, can I get some service down here!” He shouts to the short woman behind the counter who makes Addison another drink and replaces the empty glass leaving nothing behind for Derek. “Great, she hates me too.”
He’s kind of had one of those days where you just want to either crawl in a hole and die or jump back into bed, or an on call bed, and sleep away the whole event with promises of better things to come with the new sunrise. Two bumbling interns, one almost lawsuit, three very angry family members and the onslaught of more gossip than he cared to know about have landed him tired, cranky and very much just wanting to get the night over with no matter how much he said he wanted to be here. He only wanted it because she didn’t expect it and from the looks of it still can’t believe he has materialized before her eyes.
“Maybe we can start a club.” She mutters to her drink before realizing what she has said and looking around for Savvy to save her.
“Yeah, you would.” He smirks back finally receiving a full glass of core warming scotch. He follows her gaze to their friends who are worse then the twenty-somethings around them about keeping their hands to themselves. Addison chides herself for thinking that she and Derek used to be a little like that, if only a fraction and she misses that tiny bit. The one that kept his hand on her back guiding her through a crowd or her arm looped through his. Derek feels his stomach quell while watching them and knows he used to like to touch his ex-girlfriend all the time like that. He takes another drink and pushes the thoughts away. Meredith is in Seattle not New York and this was his choice. His fucking choice not that it matters in the slightest.
“You made it!” Savvy shouts over the growing crowd. They do the weird hug, half man pat thing for greetings and then pull up chairs and all take a seat. “I’m so happy to see you guys together. When Addie told me you guys were working it out I just knew. I had a good feeling. You guys are meant to be together.” She pauses, “To Addison and Derek!” She screeches, clearly way ahead on the drinking curve and tosses her glass into the air. They clink producing fake smiles and looking past one another to avoid eye contact.
“I’m going to go grab more drinks.” Weiss announces and makes a rapid departure. They affect the atmosphere; poison the air with their unhappiness and tension.
“So Addie how are all the babies?”
“Good.” She smiles.
“Derek how are all the brains?”
“Good.” A lie. Oh well, no one cares how his day went.
“And I still get to sue people, let’s celebrate.” She grins and tosses her hair over the back of the chair making an effort to be especially talkative, trying to at least liven up her friend.
“To Savvy!” Addison announces and finishes off the little drink she has while letting her eyes dart around rapidly for Weiss and her liquid salvation. Maybe if she gets completely plastered it won’t be as awkward.
“Wait, what are we “To Savvying” for?” Weiss asks nearly losing his balance and spilling everything. “And I totally guessed on what the drinks were. Better than nothing.” Derek grabs at what he is guessing is his and sips ardently.
“Because she sues people.” Addison speaks up before falling silent with her lips on the rim of the glass again.
“Ok, dancing time. I’m all liquored up.” Savvy proclaims and grabs Addison’s hand before she can even set down her glass.
Turning to look back over her shoulder she whispers, “Wish me luck.”
“Luck.” They chorus as Derek clucks his tongue on the roof of his mouth and looking back at the bar.
“Alright, out with it man.” Weiss jabs at his shoulder and waits. If anything it will be an interesting story, at best it will be nothing more than nonsense and at worst it will be exactly what he thinks. He rolls his eyes as Derek shies away from the task and waits for the fate to spill out of his mouth and onto the table.
~~~~~~~~~~
Derek spoke slowly, skipping huge chunks of things proclaiming himself the victim and Addison the villain and there was some sort of sick vindication when Weiss told him he was a better man for working it out, for staying put and trying. But the problem is that his good friend doesn’t know the whole story and if he did, well he certainly wouldn’t be praising Derek and indiscreetly shooting horrible looks at the long legged red head jiving away. The ending point of his sob story to the spot where he is right now, clutching his wife’s arm on the side of the street, are a little hazy but Addison remembers enough for both of them anyway. She always does.
It’s hard to look like she’s enjoying herself when all she really wants to do is wallow. But Addison is nothing if not a master when it comes to instilling the belief that everything will be alright to those around her. It’s what she does it for a living. It’s just a pity she can’t convince herself. But the alcohol helps and she lets herself loosen up a little bit as Savvy keeps hold of her hand and twirls beneath it when she lets out a raucous laugh. The sway and grind and giggle and for a second Addison forgets why life is so damn awful; for just a moment Addison feels like Addison again, awkward and stumbling, slightly tipsy but still smiling and she’s missed that.
There are several glances back at the table where their respective husbands sit and Weiss waves at his wife never once taking his eyes from her. Derek on the other hand seems content in staring at the bottom of his glass. And it could have been the alcohol and the final realization that he was just here to prove a point to himself and the rest of the world, or his continued complacent ignorance that reigned supreme; but something set a fire in Addison’s belly. It burned quietly, unrushed, steadily growing. Every time Weiss smiled at Sav and every time his face lit up when Derek’s was glued to the wood in front of him Addison wanted to scream.
So when the attractive looking and oh-so very young guy bumped into her spilling the remnants of her beverage onto the crowded floor and then offered to buy her another, Addison shot a glance back at Derek who was still off in his own little world and made a decision. She smiled with her best wicked grin, answering, “Sure why not?” and taking the hand he offered her to lead her through the crowds to the bar, leaving Savvy somewhat astonished.
The chances were Derek wasn’t watching, what did a little harmless flirting matter? And even if he was she doubted it would get any kind of reaction from him, and if it did well, that was just a bonus. She shook his hand when he introduced himself as Tom, and proceeded to order another martini. She nodded pretending to listen when he talked about something or other, all the while intentionally playing with the olive, watching his eyes wander over her. That felt good. She wasn’t as unattractive as her husband made her feel, and the want was clear in this Tom guy’s eyes, and that felt even better. She was starting to think that maybe she wasn’t insane and that men actually were still interested in her (if only for her body) just not Derek. And suddenly she didn’t know which felt worse, the fact that Derek was genuinely (and admittedly understandably) uninterested or that this guy in front of her with stick straight short hair wanted nothing more than to fuck her up against the bar counter.
When he said something remotely funny she tossed her head back in a laugh running a hand through her hair, as she resumed eye contact with the younger man. She was going to have to settle for momentary happiness because it was all the world was dealing out. Somewhere between the second or third gulp of the martini she had stopped watching the table that Savvy had returned to. When Derek appeared at her side, laying a hand on her bare shoulder she was more than surprised. The mere contact of his light fingers seemed to burn her skin and she whipped around to face him. There was a placid smile on his face and his eyes betrayed him.
He held his hand out to the other man, “Hi, I’m Dr. Derek Shepherd, her husband. And you are?” The other man managed a response before making his exit.
“What do you think you are doing?” Derek hissed the moment he left turning to face his indignant wife.
“Oh what do you care?” Addison exploded pushing past him. She reached the table collecting her coat and bag, she kissed Savvy’s cheek and quickly making her own apologies about not feeling well and stating that they should do it again sometime soon. It was a blatant lie, but she was way past caring about keeping up any kind of pretense anymore and the alcohol certainly wasn’t helping the situation.
She fled before Derek even returned to the table.
~~~~~~~~~~
And now, now they’re here. Ten feet from their home where Derek finally managed to catch up to Addison’s surprisingly quick pace and tightened a hand around her forearm, threatening to not ever let go. He twists her skin unknowingly and she winces behind the alcohol induced stupor. As she breaks free, her heel catches in the stupid sidewalk and forces her stumbling into his arms. She steps back immediately checking her balance, straightens the collar on her coat and marches past him proudly fumbling with her house keys.
“We have to talk about this.” He proclaims as soon as they both make their way inside and she’s dropped her keys onto the table and kicked out of the red shoes that make her calves look amazing, the ones that Derek used to love and no longer even sees.
“Why bother?” She waves him off and floats into the kitchen to find more alcohol to speed the process of getting to sleep. She contemplates actually not needing the pills hidden in her side of the nightstand for once and puts a death grip on the short clear glass before locating the good scotch.
“We are supposed to talk about things.” He reminds her and takes the bottle away intent on at least not having to listen to her vomiting half way through the night.
“We…” She motions to the space between them, “…never talk about anything. Haven’t for a long time so if you’ll excuse me, I have some drinking to do.”
“This is what you drug me out here for! To watch you drown in alcohol and to torment me by letting every guy in the city hit on you! Fuck this, fuck you. I don’t need this. I had a life in Seattle. I left it all for you!” Anger has hit critical mass and again maybe it’s the alcohol or maybe it’s just finally time to have is out with her.
“Yeah,” she snorts, “you left Meredith. I’m so, so sorry Derek. I thought for one crazy half-a-second that you wanted your marriage. Clearly I was wrong.” She tips the glass from side to side letting the amber goodness slosh about.
“It’s not about Meredith!” And he has no idea who he is trying to kid.
“And it’s not about Tom.”
“Who is Tom?” He asks incredulously and swipes the bottle from her hand and takes a long sip without a cup just to piss her off. Instead she drops her own into the sink and steals the bottle back taking a long gulp.
“The kid at the bar.”
“How could you do that?”
“Do what?” She asks batting her eyelashes innocently and watching him wiggle and grow just slightly more agitated. It’s a disgusting sort of pleasing to still have some affect over him, no matter good or bad. “He spilled my drink and wanted to buy me a new one. I was letting him be chivalrous, that’s all, though I am surprised you lifted your eyes from your glass tonight to notice.”
“You were flirting with him, embarrassing me in front of our friends!”
She stops, narrows her eyes and drops her voice to a seething whisper. “No, you know what’s embarrassing Derek? The way you make me relive that night whenever we see someone we know. You’re the good guy, I’m the whore or whatever it is you love to call me, who cheated on you and for just once it would be really nice if someone wasn’t looking at me like that…you already do it enough for everyone.”
He bites his tongue and stares back imploringly. “Embarrassing Derek is having a husband who would rather pick at the tabletop than once look up and see his wife while our friends try and show us a good time. Embarrassing is fighting to the death for the most ridiculous sham of a marriage because you aren’t a big enough person to realize and accept that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. That’s what embarrassing is. Goodnight.” She stands mostly unaffected by the alcohol because it takes quite a bit for her to be making up words and doing cartwheels and heads out in search of the stairs leaving the scotch on the carpet where they both came to a rest on the living room floor.
~~~~~~~~~~
She rushed out of the house the next morning with sunglasses, an unavoidable hangover and feeling more emotionally drained than anything else. What she didn’t know was that Derek spent the night in the hall listening to her cry staring at the stupid picture on the end table that he still has no idea about. For seven hours he tried to place it and he’s got nothing. What he realized, last night when he couldn’t actually stand up and go in his own room to hold the woman he has been with for over a decade, is that he can not readily recall doing anything with Addison in the last few years and that is just a few missing files short of a big fucking disaster.
He was certain this was her fault, every last penny in the cracked piggybank was hers…or was it his? Was he actually contributing more than he thought? Certainly he’s not the world’s greatest husband or even the world’s best man but he wasn’t the one who cheated, at least not first, and he didn’t do it with her best friend. He did it with a stranger that neither one of them ever has to see again.
“Derek, glad you made it.” Dr. Klein smiles over her nameplate and watches him carefully pace the floor. “Addison said she wouldn’t be in today so I am a little surprised to see you.”
He walks. Heel to toe slowly trekking his way to hell. Shoes carefully wearing out the carpet, feet protesting at the end of their day. She talks and he ignores her carefully placing his thoughts in a row, trying to think of the right words to say to convey the message. “I don’t remember anything.” He admits quietly to no one.
“Remember last night? Addison had mentioned that you two were thinking about going out-”
“Oh, she happened to slip that in, did she? Well what else did she say?”
“Nothing you should be concerned with. Derek have a seat, please…so we can start.”
He doesn’t sit. He paces. Back and forth behind the two chairs that should be occupied by people working on their marriage not just one guy who is absolutely terrified of the picture that is slowly beginning to take shape in his head. The pieces of the puzzle are sliding into place and it looks a little like the painting his five year old niece drew for him last year for Christmas. “I sat last night. In the hall. I sat in the stupid hall.” He huffs, “And I stared at a picture for close to seven hours…and you know what I know?”
“No.” She states cautiously waiting for his fury.
“I know that I don’t have the first clue as to when or where that picture was taken, and I’m in it. Standing next to Addison, hell I’m touching her. I have my fucking arm wrapped around her waist and she’s leaning into me in this dress that I’ve never seen before…what is that? What do you do with that?”
“What do you want to do with it?”
“I want to throw it out the window because it’s driving me insane.” He states like a mere afterthought, like it should be the first thing on everyone’s mind because this problem, this thing that is merely growing between the two of them is more suffocating than he ever imagined it could be.
“Or you could just ask Addison when it was taken and then you’ll know and maybe remember.” She offers with a shrug and watches him wring his hands into dizzying knots.
“I don’t want to know, I just want it to go away. I want everything to go away so we can go back to where we were and…” He trails off working his way to the window, doing unwittingly, the very same thing Addison had done a few days before. Dr. Klein smirks and then writes as he continues. “And…we just can’t. We don’t connect, it’s not there anymore or something and I don’t know what that means and whether or not…I mean, is it worth it? How do I know that she’s not going to get naked with every Tom and Mark in this city while I’m at work? How do I know that? How do you trust someone again after they’ve done that to you?” His voice falters and his words are angry but his tone even. He’s been giving a lot of thought to the whole thing.
“Do you love her?” And it’s more of jumping off point for conversation than anything else but she’d be lying if she said that her patients weren’t at least a little entertaining and she’s curious about this pair. How these two could get so bogged down in the trenches that they can’t even see how very similar they still are; how much they blatantly still care for one another?
They’re too hell bent on being right and fighting until it’s shredded nails on torn flesh and there’s nothing to cling to but a running trickle of red slippery blood.
He looks back briefly, thoughts tumbling carelessly from side to side and says the one thing he still knows to be true, “I love Meredith.”
~~~~~~~~~
14. Oh, isn't it making you lose your mind?