Mission Voyager (Part Seven)

[soulmatecest]

-Part Seven-
(Jared)

Here’s the thing: Jared has really been trying to not get too comfortable with Jensen, in his house. Some days have passed since first he decided to step outside of his room, and things have been a little less tense ever since. Jared is still not sure what to make out of Jensen’s supposed help, but he guesses that staying locked in the room isn’t going to do him any good. While he wants to believe the shifter won’t call the hunters-or Collectors, whatever, that name sounds even more creepy in Jared’s head-and won’t hinder him as soon as Jared feels strong enough to leave, but it’s hard to trust one of them after all this time of fearing them. He’s going to go along with it but not put his guard down. Jensen says he won’t do anything bad but there’s no way Jared can be sure. The important part is that as soon as he gets better, he’s gone. Jared keeps repeating that to himself day after day, especially when he’s around Jensen. He’s not staying any longer than he has to. Living under the same roof with a shifter is insane, but right now is a necessity. So Jared will play along for as long as is necessary.

But after that, he’s gone.

Jensen keeps insisting on making sure Jared is eating properly, has been cooking all their meals so they have them together. No more weird liquid that tastes like salt and sugar for Jared. He feels guilty about eating like this while his friends back the factory starve themselves and can barely get bread and water It feels like some kind of betrayal, eating at the table with one of the shifters that ended life how they knew it. But Jared takes to heart what Jensen said: it’s a necessity to get better and try and find them. It’s not because he wants to, it’s because he has to.

The shifter keeps checking on Jared’s health every now and then, making sure he’s truly getting better and giving him some shots to make sure Jared doesn’t get sick again. It takes them a whole day of Jensen offering him different things in exchange of Jared letting him administer the injections, with Jared barricading behind the couch and swearing he’s not getting a shot of some weird space medicine he doesn’t know of. Jared finally gives up when Jensen offers him to let him go over all the books in the house, and if he doesn’t like any of them, Jensen will bring him more from the library. Jared hasn’t read anything in such a long time, and the sudden fantasy of perhaps getting to read The Lord of The Rings or Harry Potter makes him give up.

It turns out it wasn’t such a good deal. Most the books Jensen has are all about medicine. Big surprise, the healer only wants to read doctor books. Jared shoots Jensen a betrayed glare while he passes the pages of the tenth book that talks about nothing but the human body, rubbing his forearm even if the shot didn’t hurt at all. To be fair, they would be more painful when he would get them from a human nurse back in the day. But he’s not giving Jensen the satisfaction of letting him know that.

“Would you stop that?” Jensen chuckles from the opposite end of couch, reading one of the books Jared already classified as boring as hell. “I know that the shots don’t hurt.”

“You don’t know anything,” Jared mumbles, clutching the book with a huff. The more time he spends around Jensen, the more he realizes he really is a smartass, even if the shifter insists on not knowing what that means. Jared is going to have to give him a lesson in slang, or it won’t be any fun to rub into his face how much of a smartass Jensen is.

After all the books in the house end up being nothing but medicine galore, Jared asks if he can use the TV or Jensen he has any movies lying around. Jensen is more than glad to provide, teaching Jared how to activate the TV with his voice as he shows him the stack of movies he has waiting in the living room.

But it also turns out that everything shifters do is a drag, even what they pass on television their shows are full of their peace and love ideals. Their versions of sports are ridiculous. They play soccer without keeping a score and everyone wins for trying, all the players get medals at the end for participating. The opposite teams celebrate when the other does as well, congratulating them and praising their good job. Jared doesn’t think he has ever seen something so fucking boring in his life. Jensen seems to enjoy it deeply though, which causes a laugh attack in Jared until his stomach is hurting and he’s tearing up. He doesn’t remember laughing that much in a long time. The fact that Jensen doesn’t get for the life of him why Jared finds their version of all sports so boring makes it even funnier.

The movies are even worse. They are all about happy from start to finish. No drama, no conflict, nothing. They are all happy stories, love stories, family stories. Two hours of everyone being happy and helping each other without a single discussion or problem. Jared falls asleep during two of them and asks Jensen if he doesn’t have any human movie around. Turns out he does, but they are only a couple of old Disney movies. Apparently all the other human-made movies are banned because of their violent content.

“So, if someone dies in a movie, you don’t keep it?”

“Not if they are murdered. Natural death is understandable, but killing sends out a bad message.”

Jared groans, falling back into the couch and looking at the ceiling as Mary Poppins plays in the background. Unbelievable.

“That’s ridiculous! Following that logic you can’t even keep Bambi around because his mom gets shot by a hunter.”

“Who’s Bambi?” Jensen asks, giving Jared that confused yet curious stare that appears every time Jared makes a human reference on Jensen’s face. Jared can’t even make fun of it considering he’s a sucker for every detail Jensen can tell him about shifters.

“A deer whose mom dies because a hunter shoots her in the woods. It’s a kid’s movie.”

“That’s what you make your kids watch?” Jensen asks, horrified, making Jared chuckle and shrug.

“Hey! It’s a life lesson about how life is fragile and you can lose what you love the most at any moment,” If Jared thinks about it, that damn well applied to him. His mom got shot when Jared was a kid. He always hated that movie, but for personal reasons. Jared hated being Bambi.

“That’s a human lesson. Nobody would do that among shifters.” Jensen huffs, still trying to wrap his head around the idea of making little kids watch that. “Humans are so strange.”

“Oh, we’re strange?” Jared asks, amused, sitting back on the couch and crossing his arms over his chest. “Really, mister we-work-for-free?”

Shifters think humans are a bunch of barbaric assholes, Jared knows that by now. They think they are too dangerous, too evil, all the bad things in the damn universe. Yet, even if humans are horrible, shifters are fascinated by everything humans used to do. They find all their jobs incredibly amusing. Jared doesn’t understand how a creature can travel through space only to want to clean the streets. Jensen says it’s different on every planet and shifters like everything they are able to do on Earth. They all love their jobs and they all do it for free, which blows Jared mind. Jensen doesn’t have to pay for anything. He got this place for free when he got to Earth-which turns out didn’t used to belong to any human before, the house was new and nobody had moved in yet, which makes Jared feel better about living there-just like he got his car once he passed a driver’s test. He gets food for free at the store, he can travel for free if he wants to. And he works for free at a hospital as a healer.

Jared can’t believe it, but Jensen insist it’s all for the community. They work for each other and they are happy to do so. Jensen would never dare to charge anyone for helping them cure their illnesses. He’s happy to make someone feel better, just as other shifters are happy working was waiters at restaurants or being cab drivers for the shifters who are too nervous to drive. They get everything for free so they do everything free in return, all to help the others. They are all the same, they are all equals, and they all care for one another like a big family. They are not greedy so they never take more food than they need from stores and they are not selfish so they don’t use other shifters’ kindnesses for their benefit.

“Well, look at you with your perfect little society,” Jared mumbles as they eat popcorn, watching one of Jensen’s movies. A shifter one. Because shifters work at everything humans did-at least the normal jobs, nobody is out there working as a hitman-even at being actors of boring movies with no drama. “Doesn’t it give you the chills sometimes? Aren’t you a bit suspicious?”

“Of what?” Jensen doesn’t seem to get it, now more concentrated on their talk than the movie. He’s the alien who travels through space and yet he always seems interested in their talks. It feels so strange. Jared is just a human. He can’t be that interesting.

“Well, everyone always being happy and perfect. I’m sure it must be tiring to be just alright all the time,” Jared tries to explain, eyeing Jensen. “Someone being nice all day, all the time, no matter what sounds almost creepy. Don’t you think they might snap sometime?”

Jensen seems more confused by this than anything Jared has said before.

“No. Absolutely not, nobody would ever snap or anything. There’s nothing wrong with keeping away all the bad emotions that will only hurt you and others.”

“So you’re telling me you have never been mad in your life?” Jared asks, clearly suspicious. “Ever? That’s impossible.”

“Of course I have been a little annoyed every now and then. But nothing that harsh,” Jensen takes the coffee from the table in front of them, giving it a long sip. Another thing Jared doesn’t get about Jensen is how he can drink his coffee burning hot and without a single spoon of sugar. “Not to the levels of anger humans get to. Not murdering anger,”

“Oh, come on! That’s ridiculous, not all humans get to the point of murdering anger either,” Jared says, shaking his head. “I have never been so mad I killed someone, you know? I’m aware that everything we have done here doesn’t give us the best credit about not all humans being bad. But we aren’t.”

“The thing is that all humans could potentially do bad things if given the circumstances.”

“And so can you,” Jared argues immediately. Yes, he guesses if pushed to an extreme everyone would become violent. Chad would have never shot that shifter if the situation wouldn’t have called for it, he didn’t even used guns for anything else than going hunting with his dad before. His best friend wouldn’t have shot a random person just because. It’s all relative. Shifters see the world in black and white when Jared is sure you can see it in a certain gray scale.

“No, we can’t. Shifters can’t do any bad no matter what. We’re not like humans.”

“That’s bullshit,” Jared groans in return, a little pissed off. It doesn’t help that during those discussions only Jared gets irritated while Jensen remains perfectly calm. It doesn’t prove the point that humans are way more volatile than shifters. But still. Bullshit.

“No, it’s not,” Jensen gives him a little smile, taking a sip of his coffee. “We’re simply different.”

“Yes, yes. Humans are monsters and shifters are perfect, yadda yadda,” Jared shakes a hand in the air, tired of hearing that over and over again. “But that’s only because you have lived in your perfect little bubble all along. If shifters were pushed to the limit,  you all would snap like any other human would. It’s natural. Everyone can get to that point.”

Jensen clicks his tongue, setting the coffee back on the table. Jared smiles to himself, proud that he’s at least getting a bit under Jensen’s skin. Their discussions are mostly about what they disagree about as species and it’s somehow fun to debate. Jensen seems to be right, which can become annoying, so Jared likes when he says things that he can tell leaves Jensen thoughtful. It could be nice if he could at least convince Jensen that not all humans are killers in the process.

It kind of bothers him that Jensen would even see him like that, too.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” Jensen says at last. “I doubt we would react like a human during a dangerous situation. We would never use violence as an answer.”

“Well, I didn’t shoot you that night, did I?” Jared throws back, arching both eyebrows. “Reacting like a human would have been shooting you, right? And I didn’t do it. Which shows not all of us are like your kind thinks.”

There’s a long silence after that, making Jared wish he hadn’t brought that up. So far none of their silences felt awkward, for some reason Jensen seems to be one to enjoy silence and never presses Jared to keep on talking, waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to speak up whenever he wants to. This time it’s different. Jensen has his cup midair, eyes fixed on Jared’s face as Jared looks away, trying to hide his face behind his bangs. From all the things they have discussed so far, the day Jared broke into the house is not one of them.

“Why didn’t you?” Jensen asks at last, and even if he’s trying to seem as calm as always, Jared has been used to his voice and his face from days of only interacting around him. He can hear the change in Jensen’s voice. He wants to know the answer more that he’s showing.

“I’m-” Jared nibbles on his lower lip, playing with his hands nervously. Maybe it’s a bad idea to tell Jensen. Sure, so far he has been nice and hasn’t done anything bad to him, which is basically a miracle considering what shifters usually do with humans. But what if something happens. Jensen promised not to call the Collectors but what if.

If Jared tells him the reason he didn’t shoot him that night, all his possibilities of ever having any self-defense are gone. He has eavesdropped on Jensen a couple times when he thinks Jared’s asleep. Slipping out of his room and tip-toeing to Jensen’s door when he hears him talking to someone else. The two times it has happened, it had been with someone called Danneel. Jensen had explained earlier that he has something called an accommodator but Jared still doesn’t get the concept of what that is. Jensen has only spoken twice with Danneel these days and it’s been about work and Jensen’s health. That’s it. He has kept his word of not telling a soul about Jared being there.

He looks up again, finding Jensen watching him intently. There’s that worry on his face again. The same he had when Jared tried to snatch the pills from him, the one he had when Jared refused to take any food at first. Like he cares. Jared understands for what Jensen has told him about shifters that they basically love everything in the universe, they care for everyone and all that stuff that Jared still finds kind of fake and sketchy. Jared doesn’t know if Jensen caring for him specifically is remarkable at all or if he simply cares for everything and everyone he has ever met.

“I have been wondering ever since that night,” Jensen fills in the silence, surprising Jared. “Why didn’t you shoot me? Why did you look so scared? I have been living longer than you can imagine, and nobody ever looked at me the way you did that night.”

“I’m scared of shifters,” Jared whispers in return and he watches Jensen’s face shift into a pained expression just for a second. “They took away the rest of my family, they took away my home and my friends. They made me lose everything I had left. I’m scared of being taken away day and night. For more than two years I couldn’t think of anything else but that. You say shifters are pacifists but they have made my life a living hell.”

Maybe it’s not fair to talk to Jensen like that, not when he has been helping him for days now. But he wanted to know, so there’s the answer. Jared has at least the courtesy to change the pronouns from you to they so Jensen doesn’t feel as targeted.

“And I’m-I’m afraid of guns,” He adds after Jensen does nothing but stay silent. He looks down again, pretending to be too fascinated by his nails. What does it matter? Even if Jensen decided to betray his word, which is not likely so far, Jared has no idea where the rifle is. He breathes in deep, feeling his nose tingle and his eyes fill up. “Because one of those took away my mom.”

Jensen makes a noise in front of him, something that sounds like the intake of a sharp breath, probably horrified about this new detail about what humans are capable of, just like he has been about everything else.

“Y-Yeah, because humans… we’re not fucking perfect like you shifters, you know?” Jared whispers, closing his hands into fists. “Because you’re right there. There was evil and bad people all around before you got here. And I should know that better than anyone.”

How many times has he cried in front of Jensen so far? Jared is pathetic. But it doesn’t matter. He has never been ashamed to cry because of his mom. And that’s not going to change because some alien from another galaxy is there.

“And sure, for you it’s just another proof that humans are monsters. It’s just another thing you can think about when you try to list the reasons why taking over Earth was for the best,” Jared looks up, cleaning the tears from his cheeks as he stares into Jensen’s eyes. Now that he’s close enough and Jared can really pay attention to them, they are not exactly the color of Sherri’s eyes. They seem alike, but Jensen’s are much clearer. “For you it’s just another horrible thing a human did, but for me it’s everything. It changed everything for me. It was my mom.”

Sherri was all the friends Jared could never make when he was little except for Chad. Sherri would lay on the pillows under Jared’s blanket fort and read to him. She would look for monsters under Jared’s bed and bake him his favorite cookies when he was feeling sad. She knew when Jared needed a hug and knew how to tickle Jared better than anyone. She made Jared smile with just being there. She made him feel safe whenever he was scared. And someone took her away from Jared and his dad and his brother and sister just because they wanted to sneak into the house to steal some money and their new TV. It was different to lose his dad and Jeff and Megan from how he lost his mom. But for Jensen it’s all the same. Jared can talk and talk and he’s not going to get how this feels because to him humans are nothing but monsters that need to be locked down for ever.

“And you probably don’t even get it,” Jared whispers, still keeping eye contact with Jensen, who hasn’t said a word. “You and your perfect society with only goodness. You don’t know what it’s like to get someone you love so much being taken away from you like that.”

He stands up, suddenly mad and frustrated that he even started talking about this. He doesn’t like to discuss this with anyone in the first place. Jared had always felt they will ever understand. Nobody was there, nobody else got her last kiss or her last smile. Nobody heard it happen and still hoped to hear her voice calling their names. And now Jensen-he’s going to understand even less. He doesn’t get human suffering because he’s not even a human in the first place. Jared has been talking with him watching movies together, slowly getting used to Jensen’s company and also forgetting at moments that no matter how much he looks and behaves like human, he’s not one of them.

“You don’t understand what it feels to know you will never see them again because someone killed them like they were nothing,” Jared groans, rubbing the tears away from his face once again. Jensen is up on his feet too, standing in front of Jared and still saying nothing. Jared is crying his eyes out and he has nothing to say. Of course not. He doesn’t get it. “Like they weren’t good and sweet and would sing to me at night when I couldn’t sleep. You think me and every other human are walking garbage, but my mom wasn’t! And she was still killed while I was hiding in the closet waiting for her to come back, but you don’t know-”

He feels a sudden pull on his arm and the next moment he has his face pressed into the space between Jensen’s neck and his shoulder along with Jensen’s arms around his waist. Jared let’s out a surprised gasp, eyes widening as he feels the sudden warmth coming from Jensen’s hug, who uses his arms to gently press Jared even closer to him.

Two days ago they had discussed human closeness. The touching, the reaching out, the physical contact. Jensen has said he wasn’t used to it yet. He saw it in romantic movies and read it in books about love. Shifters don’t express their love with their bodies, rather with their feelings and actions. They show they love one another by caring, helping and being there when needed. When morphing into other bodies after travelling to different planets they have learned each species’ way of showing their emotions, all different and special. But none like humans do. Holding hands, stroking someone’s face, hugging. It’s all new and different and Jensen admitted he wasn’t always comfortable doing it with other shifters, arguing it felt strange to embrace someone, pushing into their personal space and using their bodies to show they cared instead of words.

And now he has his arms around Jared’s back and is holding him close, not moving away even if Jared hasn’t hugged him back. For a second, something in Jared’s head tells him to pull away, tell Jensen to not touch him. But he also knows he doesn’t want that. The contact feels nice, it has the effect of making him feel better almost instantly. Jared is a touchy person, has always been. He likes all the things Jensen doesn’t get from romantic movies. The light touches, fingers tangling together. The kisses.

Jensen hugs him and Jared doesn’t want to pull away. It doesn’t matter what Jensen is. All Jared wants to is lean into the touch, tears still sliding down his cheeks. So, he does. Jared presses his face against Jensen’s shoulder and lets out another sob. He doesn’t wrap his arms around Jensen but he doesn’t need to. Jensen gets it, holding Jared even tighter than before as Jared cries bitterly.

“You’re right. I don’t know.” Jensen mumbles close to his ear, one of the hands on Jared’s back slowly rubbing up and down. Jared hides his face into Jensen’s neck, sniffing. There goes all efforts of not trying to get close or comfortable to Jensen. Jared just quite literally sent that  promise to hell.

Fuck. Who gives a shit. Jared really needs the comfort.

“I’m sorry, Jared,”

He nods, body so close to Jensen’s he can almost feel his heart beating in his chest. “It’s fine. It’s not your fault.”

How could it be? Jensen is not one to blame over his mother’s death or the fact that Jared doesn’t trust anyone to talk about the topic. He has always felt this way, this is not only about Jensen being a shifter. Jared has always thought that nobody could ever get the infinite pain he feels in the middle of his chest whenever he thinks about Sherri.

“Well, I’m still sorry,” Jensen insist and Jared smiles a little bit, feeling his tears fall on Jensen’s shirt. “I’m so sorry it happened in the first place. I’m sorry you have to deal with a pain I can’t even begin to imagine.”

Shifters care for everything and everybody. But Jared thinks maybe Jensen doesn’t have to care this much. Doesn’t have to care to the point of always trying to make Jared feel better and worrying about him this much.

Jared closes his eyes and for a second hopes it’s true. For a moment thinking that Jensen cares because it’s Jared and not because it’s in his nature actually makes the pain in his chest ache a little bit less.

“Thank you, Jensen.”

It could be Jared’s imagination, but he thinks that after he says his name out loud for the first time, Jensen’s heart rate speeds up a little bit.

-

The line has been crossed. Jared knows that, Jensen knows that. There’s no going back from there. The invisible space that kept them apart was broken the moment Jared over-shared one of the most important things in his life and Jensen offered the physical comfort he didn’t understand but knew Jared needed. It’s done. Jared can’t behave the same after hugging the shifter and crying in his arms.

Absolute offense to the human race: Jared can’t pretend to dislike the enemy anymore. And to add insult to injury? Jared doesn’t even consider him an enemy anymore.

He’s just Jensen now.

The best part of all of it must be Jensen not tip-toeing around Jared or pretending that it never happened in the first place. Jared always hated whenever anyone who knew him would act like he needed to be treated like he was about to break after he expressed any feeling over losing his mom. Jensen straight up asks him the next morning how he’s feeling and if he wants to talk about it more or to let it go. He wasn’t behaving any different or talking to Jared like he was a scared animal. Maybe one of the good things about shifters is that they don’t behave like humans. Perhaps that not always so bad.

The two of them being so different also helps with the fact that being inside the house all day doesn’t become incredibly boring. Jensen always has something to ask Jared and the feeling is mutual. Jensen is an alien and Jared gets to sit down and ask him whatever question about the universe, advanced technology and anything he wants. How many humans ever had such an opportunity? Maybe Jared is the only one. Sometimes he feels like the stories he has in return for Jensen are not as interesting. You can’t compare Jensen telling him about living on a planet completely covered in water and basically being a goddamn merman to Jared’s high school years.

Yet somehow Jensen seems fascinated by lockers and band practice. Are shifters honestly that into everything humans do? Sure, they don’t care for the bad parts, but come on. Hearing Jared talk about the time he won a trophy in a spelling contest can’t be that amazing.

“There’s no way you can make remember all the words I had to spell. I barely remember the whole thing,” Jared groans, lying down on the couch as Jensen cooks them lunch.

All the windows are closed and currently projecting the image of a nice summer day on the beach outside. Turns out the windows are some kind of screen too and you can change the view to whatever you want. They just tint black on the outside when activated, helping Jared to stay hidden away from Jensen’s neighbors. He discovered just days ago that his room did have windows all along, but Jensen had used the screen version to make them seem like they were also part of the wall and nobody could see the sick human lying down on the bed.

“I have told you many stories with all the details you wanted.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because your stories are actually good stories. We’re talking about a stupid spelling contest when I was younger.” If Jared could fly to Venus and turn into whatever the fuck they have there he would remember every single detail too.

“I don’t think is stupid. You won, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but it was years ago.”

“So?”

Jared sits up, finding Jensen leaning on the kitchen counter and looking at him, head tilted to the side while the soup boils on the stove.

“Well, things you did as a kid don’t seem to matter once you grow up.” Jared shrugs, not sure how to explain it any better. “You know, everybody won something when they were little. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not everybody,” Jensen corrects, frowning for a second. “I didn’t. Nobody I met before on more than ten planets ever did. You’re the first creature in the universe I ever knew who did that.”

“Well, yeah, because they don’t have spelling contests on Mars.”

“Exactly. But they do have them here on Earth. And you won one of them, that’s amazing. Don’t you see it, Jared?” Jensen asks and he looks actually surprised about whatever he’s talking about. Jared shakes his head in return. “You did that. All you have done until now, the combination of things you have lived, only you have done it all that way. There’s nobody else like you in the vastness of this galaxy and all the others around us. You are unique, Jared. I think everything you are is a big deal.”

Jared blinks, staring back at Jensen as he feels a weird knot in his throat, face starting to burn. He well knows shifters don’t see things the same, of course, but... Alright. Jared never had anyone say something like that to him. He opens and closes his mouth, feeling his face heat up even more. He’s unique? Everything he does is a big deal?

“You do know you are like walking inspirational poster, do you?”

Jensen frowns. “I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean.”

“Do you tell that kind of stuff to everyone you bump into?”

“Not everybody, just to the humans,” Jensen replies after a heartbeat, raising both eyebrows and shrugging at the same time. Jared smiles, big and proud, nodding along.

“Oh look, someone is getting better with his sarcasm. Good for you!”

“After travelling through the universe, learning sarcasm is sure my biggest accomplishment.” Jensen answers back with a similar smile, making Jared laugh and throw his head back, falling onto the couch once again.

“I have created a monster,” He chuckles, shaking his head. Explaining things like slang to Jensen, the meaning of curse words and beyond had been a little frustrating at the start, but nothing paid off like teaching him to use and detect sarcasm. As the smartass Jared sensed Jensen is, he was quite quick on picking up that one.

“Good to know I taught you the wonders of outer space and the stars while you teach me spoken mockery,” Jensen clicks his tongue from the kitchen and Jared laughs some more. “Humans.”

“Yeah, yeah. You don’t have to worry much. As soon as this terrible human is healthy and can leave, you won’t have to deal with such a monster ever again,” Jared waits, hands behind his head, expecting Jensen to come up with another smart answer in return. But he doesn’t. There’s nothing after Jared’s last comment, which makes him open his eyes again and sit up, expecting to find Jensen leaning on the counter like before. Instead, he’s facing the stove and away from Jared, stirring the soup and staying dead silent.

“Jensen?”

There’s no answer.

Biting his lower lip, Jared lays down on the couch again, staring at the fake view of the ocean outside the window, breeze making the leafs of the palm trees wave in the air.

For the first time since they have started to eat together, Jensen doesn’t say a word during the entire meal.

| Part Eight |