A Way With Words - Chapter 49

[soulan]

December 31st, 1988

When Ennis returned to work three days before New Year's Eve, Tina informed him that his back page essay about coming out, scheduled for the March issue,  had been postponed.

"A feature story for April came in really long," she explained, "and Mark decided to cut out part of it and have the writer rework that bit for the March back page. And anyway, it makes more sense to run an essay about coming out for the October issue, since National Coming Out day is on the 11th." She smiled at him. "So you have at least another six months to work on it!"

"But by that time he'll already be out to everybody," Don said. "Right, Ennis?"

Dana stuck her head through the door. "Ha. It never ends."

"How'd your folks take it?" Don asked him when they had their office to themselves again.

"I only told my sister," he said. "She was okay with it." He saw no point in explaining that she'd already guessed. "There was some other family stuff going down and it didn't seem like the best time to drop the H bomb on the rest of them."

His mother had been dismayed to hear that Kathy and her family were moving even further away, but she didn't seem as upset as his sister had predicted. On the other hand, he had overheard KE make a snide remark to his wife about Massachusetts' Congressional delegation. If his brother had said it in front of him he probably would have come out right then and there -- at least, he hoped so. But the conversation occurred in another room. He wondered if Kathy was more worried about KE's reaction than their mother's.

"So now you won't even be able to take the easy way out by sending them a copy of the magazine in March," Don said.

"I guess not," Ennis mumbled. Nothing had changed, it seemed.

But of course, something had changed. As he was flipping through the mail on his desk Friday morning, the knot that had been in his stomach since leaving for Kansas suddenly pulled tighter. He stared at the postcard of the night cityscape of Singapore. It was postmarked December 23rd, exactly one week earlier.

I arrive ok in Singapore, I will fly to Colombo tomorrow.

Remember my promise. N.U.K.

What did the initials stand for? He must know, otherwise Kaj wouldn't have added them. He mentally scanned through their conversations, but there were so many… He was interrupted by a call from Jack, who wanted to know when and where to meet the next day, New Year's Eve. There was to be a parade in the afternoon, did Ennis want to go see that? Then go out to eat? Walk around and watch the street performances? He'd bought the badges that would get them into the free concerts indoors, and a program of what was on. When it was all over, they could walk back to the Common to watch the fireworks.

All that walking around. He just wanted to lie down and replay in his mind all the times he'd spent with Kaj. There hadn’t actually been that many days, after Kaj moved to Toronto. Ennis reckoned that if he concentrated, he could remember exactly how they'd spent every minute together and recall all their conversations. He glanced at his watch -- in about six more hours he could do just that.

He told Jack he wasn't interested in the parade. It was going to be very cold. Could they just meet up for pizza somewhere and pick something from the program to go see? Jack sounded a bit deflated, but agreed to Ennis' suggestion to meet at Downtown Crossing station, where the Orange Line and the Red Line intersected underneath Filene's.

When Ennis caught sight of him standing in front of the department store window, the first thing he noticed was that Jack hadn't shaved in a few days. The dark stubble outlining his jaw was striking next to the scarlet muffler around his neck. He was wearing a very long black coat, but without the red Converse sneakers that were usually paired with one. Young guys had taken to those big old coats early in the fall, most of them obviously from Goodwill. Ennis hadn't been interested because of their length, which made riding a bike dangerous if not impossible. Now everybody was wearing them -- you could find rack upon rack of them in any department store. Jack looked good in it, Ennis thought. It made him look even taller. His own pea coat was from Dollar-a-Pound in Cambridge, and he had to admit it did look like it had been pulled from a heap of jackets on a warehouse floor. He shrugged his shoulders self-consciously, as if the movement could magically smooth the wrinkles and repair the ripped lining. Kaj's postcard crackled in his shirt pocket. He reflexively put his hand to his chest, and felt a flash of longing soften the hard ball of worry he'd carried around all week.

Jack smiled broadly when he saw Ennis.  "Hey. I'm starving. Guess we should go up to Tremont Street to eat. Nothing good is open down here."

Washington Street was bright with Christmas lights and glowing storefronts, though all the shops were closed, and few people were on the street. The crowds were a block away on the Common.

They walked up Winter Street, and when they'd almost reached Tremont, a small sign on a door between two shops caught Ennis' attention and he stopped to read it. TREMONT TEA ROOM - PSYCHIC READINGS 2ND FLOOR. A red arrow pointed up, and through the glass he could see a staircase.

"You know that place?" Jack asked.

"Not really. A few people from work went there and got their tea leaves read. Or tarot cards, or something." He looked at Jack and almost added that he'd heard that Lureen had gone as well.

Lureen's identity as his co-worker and Jack's ex-wife had become accepted as common knowledge between them, but Ennis wasn't sure how. He suspected it happened the night he got drunk at the Colorado Public Library and Jack talked about his past, confident that Ennis would remember nothing the next day.

He frowned at a sliver of memory that passed through him and said, "Didn't you go to law school around here?"

"Yeah, Suffolk is just around the corner."

"Didn't you say you went to a... um, a bathhouse in this area?" He was guessing that was why the image of Jack in a bath with a man had come to him. He'd heard about those places and couldn't imagine setting foot in one. But he was curious. "Where is it?"

Jack turned away. "There aren't any left, Ennis," he said over his shoulder. "They all burned down."

Ennis stood still watching Jack stride toward the Common, a long black column with a red slash near the top. He fumbled inside his jacket for the postcard and patted it once. Remember my promise. A sour brew of worry and desire clogged his throat. He felt helpless; all he could do was wait. That must have been the way they all felt when… There was no test in 1984, when Jack first came to Boston. All you could do was wait and worry.

He caught up with Jack at the light. As they waited for the red light to change to green, Jack turned to him and said, "Do you want to see where it was?" and before Ennis could reply he began walking quickly down Tremont, toward Boylston. Ennis followed, slowing as they passed Jack's Joke Shop, where a couple was looking at the window crowded with masks and novelty items. But the real Jack was moving too quickly for him to linger over memories.

He felt embarrassed striding next to Jack and asking stupid questions like, Who burned them down? How many were there? and getting only shrugs by way of reply. When he asked how many Jack had gone to, the answer was "One." How many times? "Thr- twice."

Jack turned left onto Boylston, away from the lights and music, and immediately the street was seedier. Then they were on Washington, at the edge of the Combat Zone.

"I saw a hooker walking a lion cub on a leash on this block once, right in the middle of the day," Jack commented.

Before Ennis could think of a response, they'd turned another corner. They edged by a knot of streetwalkers not exactly bundled against the cold who didn't even unfold their arms as they half-heartedly hailed them. A ragged man gripping a sloshing champagne bottle staggered past, mumbling Happy New Year. Another turn and then Jack stopped at the entrance to an alley. He pointed down it at a door boarded up with plywood. The frame was charred black.

"The approach was grim," Jack said after a moment, "but it was okay inside. The first time I went in, I was terrified, even though I wasn't alone." His lips twitched. "I was used to being stared at, but this was something else."

A dozen questions rose in Ennis' mind, but Jack turned away and they walked back the way they came.

The Common wasn't crowded with people yet, but there was a lot to look at. The Christmas lights were still up of course, and people who had been in the parade were strolling around in crazy costumes. It had snowed a few days after Christmas and the temperatures had remained below freezing since then, so the ground between the paths was still white, brightening the area. In the place called the Frog Pond, which was just a big concrete wading pool with a fountain in the middle that was turned on in the summer, artists were carving huge, elaborate ice sculptures as in previous years. Colored lights were positioned near each one, making them glow blue or purple or yellow or red or green. Ennis stopped to watch a man wielding a chainsaw on a block of ice.

"I love what they do with these lights," Ennis said.

Jack chuckled. "You really are queer."

"Huh?"

"You look so happy wandering around in this fantasyland. I bet your family's Christmas tree looked fabulous last week, thanks to you."

"Kathy and the kids did the decorating!"

"But you were the art director, right?"

Ennis jammed his fists deeper in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. "If that's what you wanna call it."

"Yeah, that's what I call it. All those musicals you love - a dead giveaway."

Ennis frowned at him in confusion. "What're you talking about?"

Then Jack was facing him, unwinding his red scarf and smiling. "Here, you look so cold," he said. "I can't believe you didn't even wear gloves." Now the scarf was around Ennis' neck, Jack's black-gloved hands fumbling beneath his chin, tucking it under his collar. "In the bar when you were so drunk, you told me all about those movies you watched as a kid. The Wizard of Oz, Oliver. How you knew all the songs and sang them in your room."

He felt the heat radiating from his face; his pulse begin to pound in his ears. Thank god they were standing next to a red light so Jack couldn’t tell how furiously he was blushing. At Christmas when Kathy had put on a video of The Wizard of Oz for the kids, she’d smiled too knowingly at him when he led the singing of ‘Over the Rainbow’, shutting him up. Later, she'd shown him an envelope full of old pin-ups from teen fan magazines that she'd saved after taking them down from her bedroom walls.

"I used to catch you staring at this one," she’d said, showing him the one of Jack Wild as the Artful Dodger. "Remember how you used to listen to my cast recording constantly? I'd hear you singing ‘Consider Yourself’ in the bath."

He hadn't forgotten about that, but he'd never read anything into it. He gently pushed Jack's hands away and unwound the scarf. "You look better in red than me. And I'm not cold."

The expression on Jack's face as he handed the scarf back reminded him of something. "Hey, remember when we were both looking at that little memorial to John Lennon in City Hall Plaza last year? You seemed to freak out when you looked at the muffler I was wearing."

"Did I? I don't remember that," Jack said as he turned away. "Let's go to Charles Street and find something to eat."

"I… I  remember exactly where I was the night John Lennon was shot. At the Rathskeller. In Kenmore Square." The abrupt shifts in Jack's mood rattled Ennis; he couldn't stop himself from dredging up this bad memory.

"I know where it is." Jack was walking fast again. "I was in a gay bar in Dallas that night."

They continued in silence down the path running parallel to Beacon Street. Ennis paid no attention to the couples passing them until he heard a woman say his name. It was Tina.

"What déjà vu," she exclaimed. "I saw you both down here last year. When you were waiting in line for that comedy show in the church on Arlington Street," she added when Jack looked at her blankly.

"That was Joe," Ennis said. "This is Jack."

"I’m sorry," she said to Jack. "You look a lot like him." She nudged Ennis with her elbow and grinned. "Tall, dark and handsome is your type, I see." She clapped her hand over her mouth, glancing back and forth between them. "Oops. The guy last year was just a friend, right?"

"So is Jack," Ennis replied.

Tina grabbed her companion's arm and pressed her forehead against his shoulder while he looked at Ennis and Jack with a bemused expression. "Oh god, just forget we met!" she exclaimed. "See you on Monday."

"I should meet this guy Joe," Jack said when they were walking again. “Since he seems to make such a strong impression on people.”

That seemed unlikely to happen, if Ennis could help it. “Now I’m really hungry, too. Let’s go,” he mumbled.

At the corner of Beacon and Charles they dashed across the street on the yellow light. When they got to the opposite corner, they met Don and Randy just walking up.

"Jack!" Randy said in surprise. "What a small world! I didn't know you knew Ennis." She turned to Don. "Jack's a paralegal where I work."

"He's the guy who brought Ennis home shit-faced," Don said.

"Oh…" Randy smiled uncertainly at Jack. "I… I thought I noticed a change in you lately."

"I thought I told you Ennis' boyfriend is an Indian guy in Canada," Don said. Then he glanced at Jack. "Uh oh-"

Ennis remembered in time that Jack wasn't out at the law firm and simply said Jack was a friend. But he himself seemed to be out to Randy after all. He wondered how she thought Jack had changed.

"Anyway, Kaj is from Sri Lanka," he corrected, "not India. Though he's a Tamil and they originally migrated to northern Sri Lanka from Tamil Nadu in southern India centuries ago. All the Tamils I mean, not his family."

Don rolled his eyes. "Right. I should know that by now."

"Randy's moving in with Don," Ennis explained to Jack. "In, what, just a few hours?"

"We finally finished clearing out her apartment today,” Don said. “Ennis can stay for the breaking-in period. I’m gonna be just as glad to have a gay guy in the house for a while, so she has a shoulder to cry on when I complain about the new curtains she wants to put up."

"I think we'll get on just fine," Randy said, smirking at Don.

"I know you two will, it's me I'm worried about. Ow!"

"It was nice to meet you," Jack said as the light turned green and other revelers began to cross the street. "We're going to grab a pizza and then go to a concert."

“Have fun,” Randy said as she took Don’s arm. “See you next year.”

They found a pizza place on the far end of Charles Street, just before the T station. It was crowded, but a couple was just leaving as they walked in; Jack went straight to the small round table they’d vacated and sat down.

“You go order,” he said. “Anything’s fine with me.”

As Ennis stood in line, he took the postcard from his pocket. N.U.K. Ever since Jack had mentioned musical movies, a memory had been stirring just out of reach. He flipped quickly through the mental index cards he’d begun compiling the night before of the individual days he’d spent with Kaj in Toronto. He paused at one: the two of them sitting on the couch, watching a Bollywood musical. Why do they say I love you in English instead of Tamil? Because Nann unnai kathalikiren is too long.

“That must be a fantastic pizza, the way you’re smiling,” Jack said with a grin as Ennis carried it to the table in one hand, clutching two Coke cans in the other.

“That’s because I just figured something out.”

He sat down and took the card from his shirt pocket.

“I got a postcard from Kaj today. Look, Singapore,” he said, flashing the photo of a beach at Jack. “He sent it before getting on a flight to Colombo. He ended it with N U K and all day I’ve been trying to figure out what it meant.”

Jack flipped the tab on his Coke and took a sip, then eased a slice from the with-everything pizza. “So what does it mean, then?” he asked.

“Oh, uh… it’s the initials for… for three words in Tamil,” Ennis stammered. He looked down at the pizza and chose a slice for himself.

"What three words?” Jack asked.

Ennis carefully took a bite of pizza and chewed a moment, before looking at Jack, who was staring back at him, his jaw slowly working.

He swallowed and cleared his throat. “In Tamil movies, lovers say I love you in English because the Tamil phrase for that is so long. Nann… unnai… kathalikiren. So… N U K. That’s short for it. For the Tamil words.”

“Right.”

“Look, I know you think he’s not coming back.” That had been Jack’s take on the situation when Ennis had told him about Kaj’s travel plans the last time they’d met at the Colorado Public Library. “But he also wrote, Remember my promise. He promised over and over to return. I believe him.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll come back, Ennis. With a wife. But don’t worry,” Jack said, patting Ennis’ forearm, “I’ll keep lending you my car so you can drive up there a couple times a year and go camping with him on that island you liked so much.”

“Fuck you.”

Jack just shrugged and started on another slice while Ennis scowled at his own. Maybe he got fucked over, but I know that Kaj meant it.

They chewed in silence for a few minutes, until Jack fished the First Night program out of his coat pocket and unfolded it.

“There anything you wanna- “

“Whatever. You choose.”

“Tell you what, let’s go to this concert at the Boston Conservatory. The Klezmer Conservatory Band. You have to pay five bucks more but- ”

“Didn’t think you liked classical music,” Ennis grumped.

Jack sniggered, then looked up from the program. “You’d be surprised at the things I like.”

Ennis waved his hand at the pizza left on tray. “I guess you don’t like the pizza I ordered ‘cause you didn’t even finish your second slice.”

“I wasn’t as hungry as I thought. Ready to go?”

Once they were outside again, Ennis hunched his shoulders. “Shit, it’s really freezing now.”

“Well, I offered you my scarf but you didn’t like the color,” Jack said. “If you’re too cold to walk we can take the Green Line to Symphony.”

Ennis grumbled that he’d be alright, but when they reached the corner of Arlington and Boylston ten minutes later, Jack headed straight for the subway entrance. It was just as well, because the concert had already started when they arrived. And it wasn’t classical music, either, to Ennis’ dismay. He’d been looking forward to just closing his eyes and shuffling through his memories of Kaj, but the crazy shit the dozen musicians were playing was too raucous to tune out. And he couldn’t understand any of the lyrics the woman fronting the band was singing.

“We schlepped all the way over here to listen to German?” he muttered irritably.

Jack hissed, “It’s Yiddish.”

“Well, I don’t know a word of that either.”

Jack’s laugh was harsh and loud. Ennis couldn’t understand why he was being such an asshole.

After a while, he reluctantly found himself getting into the lively music. Not that he would give Jack the satisfaction by showing it, so he stopped tapping his foot. Then it occurred to Ennis that Jack might have suggested this concert precisely because he thought that he wouldn’t like it.  So he raised his hands and clapped in time along with the rest of the audience.

“You liked it then, huh?” Jack asked him as they filed out of the auditorium.

Two hours later as he listened alone in his bedroom to the faint explosions coming from the harbor, Ennis wished he’d just replied, “Not bad,” instead of joking that the music had given him a headache.  Maybe then he and Jack would have wandered toward the Common to wait for the fireworks, instead of going their separate ways.

Jack was a good but troubled friend. When Kaj came back - if he came back - and Ennis had a better idea of what was in his future - or not in it - maybe he’d probe a little more, see if Jack would retell his story. But not in a bar.

A performance by the Klezmer Conservatory Band in the late 80s in Boston:

Click to view

Chapter 49b >>