Jack's Slash - Chapter 1 - the beta email
Jack sent me his first chapter a month early. I pretty much gave up on correcting his spelling and grammar. I'm letting him rely on Spellcheck and if he's happy with no underlines then I'll just let be. He had a couple interesting things to say in his email, though, so I thought I'd share it with you.
From: "Jack Twist"
Date: November 20, 2008 7:24:48 AM CHT
To:
Subject: Re: Re: My story
>>Hey look, I know its not Xmas only Thanksgiving but still you must have
>>the day off so maybe you have some time to read this chapter 1. (I can't
>>think of a name for it so I'm just gone a call this story Jack's Slash.) I want
>>a put this on my journal to see if anybodys gone a read it or even like it. I
>>use the spell check and there are no under lines but I have a question
>>about a couple words. Is there a word for feeling mixed up about something,
>>like when you want to do something but also don't want to? Also how do
>>you say something or somebody is not normal but with one word? I tried
>>unnormal and unormal and disnormal and keep getting under lines.
>>
>>
>>Jack
>
>
>Jack, I'm speechless. This is even weirder than my own stories! (BTW you're
>a week early. Thanksgiving is next week. You've been away too long. And
>it's not even a holiday where I live. I'm using valuable work time to reply to this.)
>I'm not going to mark this up because it would be unreadable and would
>probably discourage you from continuing. But I know the readers will be indulgent
>with you (a word meaning you can get a way with anything because they love you)
>so just post it as is, except for a few things:
>
>- In the very beginning where Jack is watching Ennis in the side view mirror, it
>sounds like his very eyeballs roll out of his head and that Ennis himself is lying
>on the mirror. You must change that.
>
>Also, in this sentence:
>
>One a the clowns was a damn good one cause he managed to distract the bull long
>enough even though he looked like he dreamed all night a stomping a man.
>
>It sounds as though it's the clown who dreams of stomping a man. Actually, now that
>I read the rest of that part, it could well be the clown who's as dangerous as the bull.
Well I think I will leave it like that to confuse folks.
>
>- In this part:
>
>"...two arms he knew well were wrapped round him and a moan pushed out a
>his throat but didn't get far cause a the familiar mouth and tongue that were on
>his. They were propped against the truck cab and winding round each other like
>strands a barb wire as they sucked and licked..."
>
>It sounds like the mouths and tongues were the ones propped against the truck
>and twining together like barbed wire, not you and the man. Instead of beginning
>the second sentence with "They", use something like "Jack and the guy".
>
>- When a character says something, even if it's a complete sentence, you have to
put a comma at the end of it instead of a period if you follow it with an attribution
>(he said for instance). For example:
>
>"Might a known you'd a fucked up and got sent down early," his father said in an
>angry voice.
>
>You don't have put a comma if there's a question mark or an exclamation point,
>though:
>
>"So which is it are you mad at me for bein here or for leavin?" Jack yelled right in
>his face.
>
>
>It's interesting how you transformed the exchange with Jimbo here. I think I have
>an idea about your plans for him. ;)
>
Maybe you don't believe me but I was not tryin a pick him up. I was just feelin lonely
for some company, just to talk. Jimbo was a guy you'd never think was a clown, he
wasn't the least bit funny and in fact was real intense bout his work. He reminded me
a Ennis that way and right away I got that sinkin feelin that always hit me in the gut
when somethin made me think a him. I decided to talk to him anyhow cause I was
grateful after all since I was lucky to get away with just a pain in my leg in the spring.
If he hadn't been so good I wouldn't of been able to get work on Brokeback. So I went
over and tried to buy him a beer, and I did tell the bartender Jimbo was the best rodeo
clown around cause it was true. He didn't want a take my money, guess people were
doin that all the time. I was just tryin a be friendly and then somethin happened I aint
sure what. I was smilin at him and sometimes I just didnt get it, how a guy can take a
smile wrong. I wasn't thinkin I wanted to do anythin with him. I just wanted to have a
drink and talk but maybe what I had with Ennis up there turned drinkin and talkin into
somethin confusin once I got back down to earth and had to deal with other guys. Jimbo
just kinda shut down and told me to save my money and then shoved off. Man I was a
mess a feelings then, pissed off at the bartender who tried to be nice, feelin fucked over
by a guy I didnt care about fuckin at all. So that's why I wrote it that way cause that's the
way I meant for it to go with him.
>
>
>I hope you're not expecting me to deal in any way with that unfinished fic. It's nobody's
>business but hers. ;)
>
Oh well too bad. Its really Ennis here whose so upset that Jack is stuck in LA.
>
>
>The words you want are 1) ambivalent and 2) abnormal
>
>How's Paul?
He decided not to make salad dressing cause he don't want a compete with his old company
but he's gone a make maranade instead. He's gone a call it "Paul's Undressing for Meat." You
will never guess who thought that name up. My own Ma! I was shocked as hell but Paul was
ROFL. I don't know whats got into her lately.
Read Chapter 1 of Jack's Slash: http://jacknasty1.livejournal.com/744.html
Warning: Do not read with food in your mouth.
Note to non-Americans: Jack makes a reference to a bull named Elmer and a glue factory. The most popular brand of glue in the States is called "Elmer's" and has a bull logo (from when glue was made from hooves).