I close my eyes and bleed this empty heart of all that longs to die
Who: Himura Tomoe
What: A person can only bottle their emotions for so long until they finally break.
Where: Mostly in her own head... ending at the Bitches Brew Bar
Rating: G...?
When: Evening January 13th
Note: Continued here for open interaction.
Tomoe had been fooling herself almost completely ever since her arrival in Death City. But then again, she had been fooling herself for a long time. She had suffered two major losses in her life and she had not been able to cope with either. When her mother died she had been forced at the age of nine into the role almost immediately, and the stress of caring for an infant as well as running a household had stolen any ability she had of grieving. She had suppressed her emotions then out of sheer necessity and when Kiyosatto Akira was killed that was the only way she knew how to deal with the feelings that followed…
But nothing… absolutely nothing could have prepared her for trying to cope with her own death. From the moment she woke she had tried to deal with it the same as she always had: to internalize it. To seal it off. To hide it. But it was too all-encompassing… and the sheer number of levels of loss that accompanied it made it impossible. She had lost everything. Everything she’d ever known, every dream she ever had, any familiarity or sense of comfort by being brought to this strange place and time. She’d lost her family… and any hope of learning what happened to them, of seeing them again save for them being brought into the war themselves. She’d even lost her husband, despite him being right there.
Kenshin’s presence was as much a solace as a hindrance. For all the pain it had relieved it only brought about more of a different sort, so much that while she didn’t want to distance herself from him… she did. He was a walking, breathing reminder of the fact that she was gone. Of the fact that she had been left behind and everything had marched on without her. That was the way it should be. There was no question about it.
But she wasn’t supposed to be there to watch it as though she weren’t physically there herself.
She had known it was as such from the first few moments they’d interacted. He couldn’t look at her with anything but horror, and even though that had changed and lessened, even though she knew she wasn’t just a nightmare-memory to him now… she couldn’t forget that face. And she couldn’t forget what had happened when he had been exposed to the madness wavelength. Her voice had driven him further away and it only solidified what she already knew. She didn’t even need to see his reactions to know she had no real place anymore, at least not the place that she wanted… or needed.
He had left her alone on her first night there. That had been as telling as anything else. He’d left her alone in the hospital after the attack. Of course that was as much her fault as anyone’s. That was the front she’d always put up. It was the same front that caused Kiyosatto to leave her for Kyoto, after all. But any other reaction would have been pointless, if not cruel of her. She had done what was right, and even if she hadn’t… she could see the outcome in the end.
So she pushed him away… because even if she hadn’t… he would have pulled away completely eventually. It may have taken him weeks, even months to so, but it would have happened. There was no point drawing it out. At least that way one of them could be happy. It was a role she was used to. She hid her suffering for the sake of the family. Even when the family… was no longer hers…
She had fooled herself into thinking she would be alright because she knew it was the right thing to do, and at first… it had worked. The recuperation after her injury had taken enough of her time and focus, and the surprising attention that Kaoru had given her had even held it back for a short time… but that was the thing about time, it would erode temporary bandages.
And ‘doing the right thing’ didn’t change actually fix anything. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t give her any sort of purpose in this undesired ‘second chance’. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t change the fact that she was lost and alone. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t help her grieve anything.
And having Kenshin come to her to tell her that he was indeed moving forward and planning to speak with Kaoru… She had thought it was settled weeks ago. She had all but given her blessing then for him to move on. There was a part of her that understood why he felt the need to speak with her first, to avoid blind-siding her perhaps in public… but it didn’t really matter. Her mental state was as fragile as a house of cards, and the upsurge of emotion was enough to make them fall.
She held it in until he left her, sealing everything off with a wall of ice so thick that he could probably feel it despite the inability to read ki--but it was still better that way. Better that he thought her cold or angry than to see her fall apart. The same old trap… She had gone on to work, trying desperately to lose herself in the tasks at hand and likely seaming to have a bladed tongue with the way her words cut at anyone who spoke to her, until she had finally abandoned her shift two hours early when she felt her threads unraveling too quickly for her to hold them in place with any decency.
She didn’t know what to do anymore, not that she ever had in the first place. All that she had done up to then was just what she had to do in order to survive… but survival wasn’t enough now. As she walked back toward Casualty Communal it was more apparent than ever. It was as though there was a vice slowly squeezing the air from her chest, and unseen weight pulling on every muscle in her body. Her skull seemed to pound with pressure she couldn’t identify and with every step she took it felt as though she was physically drowning.
The last time she had been in this state… she had abandoned everything and ran away to Kyoto… But there was significantly less room to run here… and no purpose, misguided as it may have been, to give her a direction to run in…
She stopped, fifty yards from the building itself, staring at it vacantly. Why was she even bothering to return to it? The alien room she stayed in was of no comfort… if anything the emptiness of it only served to make it worse. She had been avoiding its solitude for weeks so what was the point now…? And so she turned, walking aimlessly much like she had the day she had arrived and feeling just as lost as she had then. If not more so.
Whether she meant to or not, she eventually wandered into the red light district. Even in western clothing she looked out of place, too conservatively dressed in the calf-length wool skirt and long sleeved sweater amid the women dressed for the area, but that didn’t matter and she certainly didn’t care. She vaguely noted the names of the establishments she passed, stopping before one in particular… She stood on the sidewalk for the longest time, her thoughts all but a muted buzz in the back of her mind by now… and finally she entered the building… chose a seat, and when she was approached by the wait staff she spoke in a dull, numb tone.
"Chilled sake, please."
What: A person can only bottle their emotions for so long until they finally break.
Where: Mostly in her own head... ending at the Bitches Brew Bar
Rating: G...?
When: Evening January 13th
Note: Continued here for open interaction.
Tomoe had been fooling herself almost completely ever since her arrival in Death City. But then again, she had been fooling herself for a long time. She had suffered two major losses in her life and she had not been able to cope with either. When her mother died she had been forced at the age of nine into the role almost immediately, and the stress of caring for an infant as well as running a household had stolen any ability she had of grieving. She had suppressed her emotions then out of sheer necessity and when Kiyosatto Akira was killed that was the only way she knew how to deal with the feelings that followed…
But nothing… absolutely nothing could have prepared her for trying to cope with her own death. From the moment she woke she had tried to deal with it the same as she always had: to internalize it. To seal it off. To hide it. But it was too all-encompassing… and the sheer number of levels of loss that accompanied it made it impossible. She had lost everything. Everything she’d ever known, every dream she ever had, any familiarity or sense of comfort by being brought to this strange place and time. She’d lost her family… and any hope of learning what happened to them, of seeing them again save for them being brought into the war themselves. She’d even lost her husband, despite him being right there.
Kenshin’s presence was as much a solace as a hindrance. For all the pain it had relieved it only brought about more of a different sort, so much that while she didn’t want to distance herself from him… she did. He was a walking, breathing reminder of the fact that she was gone. Of the fact that she had been left behind and everything had marched on without her. That was the way it should be. There was no question about it.
But she wasn’t supposed to be there to watch it as though she weren’t physically there herself.
She had known it was as such from the first few moments they’d interacted. He couldn’t look at her with anything but horror, and even though that had changed and lessened, even though she knew she wasn’t just a nightmare-memory to him now… she couldn’t forget that face. And she couldn’t forget what had happened when he had been exposed to the madness wavelength. Her voice had driven him further away and it only solidified what she already knew. She didn’t even need to see his reactions to know she had no real place anymore, at least not the place that she wanted… or needed.
He had left her alone on her first night there. That had been as telling as anything else. He’d left her alone in the hospital after the attack. Of course that was as much her fault as anyone’s. That was the front she’d always put up. It was the same front that caused Kiyosatto to leave her for Kyoto, after all. But any other reaction would have been pointless, if not cruel of her. She had done what was right, and even if she hadn’t… she could see the outcome in the end.
So she pushed him away… because even if she hadn’t… he would have pulled away completely eventually. It may have taken him weeks, even months to so, but it would have happened. There was no point drawing it out. At least that way one of them could be happy. It was a role she was used to. She hid her suffering for the sake of the family. Even when the family… was no longer hers…
She had fooled herself into thinking she would be alright because she knew it was the right thing to do, and at first… it had worked. The recuperation after her injury had taken enough of her time and focus, and the surprising attention that Kaoru had given her had even held it back for a short time… but that was the thing about time, it would erode temporary bandages.
And ‘doing the right thing’ didn’t change actually fix anything. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t give her any sort of purpose in this undesired ‘second chance’. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t change the fact that she was lost and alone. ‘Doing the right thing’ didn’t help her grieve anything.
And having Kenshin come to her to tell her that he was indeed moving forward and planning to speak with Kaoru… She had thought it was settled weeks ago. She had all but given her blessing then for him to move on. There was a part of her that understood why he felt the need to speak with her first, to avoid blind-siding her perhaps in public… but it didn’t really matter. Her mental state was as fragile as a house of cards, and the upsurge of emotion was enough to make them fall.
She held it in until he left her, sealing everything off with a wall of ice so thick that he could probably feel it despite the inability to read ki--but it was still better that way. Better that he thought her cold or angry than to see her fall apart. The same old trap… She had gone on to work, trying desperately to lose herself in the tasks at hand and likely seaming to have a bladed tongue with the way her words cut at anyone who spoke to her, until she had finally abandoned her shift two hours early when she felt her threads unraveling too quickly for her to hold them in place with any decency.
She didn’t know what to do anymore, not that she ever had in the first place. All that she had done up to then was just what she had to do in order to survive… but survival wasn’t enough now. As she walked back toward Casualty Communal it was more apparent than ever. It was as though there was a vice slowly squeezing the air from her chest, and unseen weight pulling on every muscle in her body. Her skull seemed to pound with pressure she couldn’t identify and with every step she took it felt as though she was physically drowning.
The last time she had been in this state… she had abandoned everything and ran away to Kyoto… But there was significantly less room to run here… and no purpose, misguided as it may have been, to give her a direction to run in…
She stopped, fifty yards from the building itself, staring at it vacantly. Why was she even bothering to return to it? The alien room she stayed in was of no comfort… if anything the emptiness of it only served to make it worse. She had been avoiding its solitude for weeks so what was the point now…? And so she turned, walking aimlessly much like she had the day she had arrived and feeling just as lost as she had then. If not more so.
Whether she meant to or not, she eventually wandered into the red light district. Even in western clothing she looked out of place, too conservatively dressed in the calf-length wool skirt and long sleeved sweater amid the women dressed for the area, but that didn’t matter and she certainly didn’t care. She vaguely noted the names of the establishments she passed, stopping before one in particular… She stood on the sidewalk for the longest time, her thoughts all but a muted buzz in the back of her mind by now… and finally she entered the building… chose a seat, and when she was approached by the wait staff she spoke in a dull, numb tone.
"Chilled sake, please."